The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 3

"Who knew there wasn't a market for fake, disembodied limbs?"

"Grand Opening"
Original airdate: 9/28/1985

Episode summary: Mrs. Garrett and the Facts gals celebrate the grand opening of their new store, Over Our Heads. 

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Recap: The Facts gals (plus Andy) are putting the final touches on the bright and airy new Over Our Heads store, which is scheduled to open in fifteen minutes. Tootie chides Natalie for not wearing her happy face name tag pin and forcibly pins it onto her lapel - just as Mrs. Garrett arrives with her newly repaired Edna's Edibles sign that she wants to display in her Cookie Corner. Blair announces to everyone that she's eagerly awaiting a shipment from Tina Turner's clothing line, and Mrs. Garrett calms her nerves by taking a tour of the small shop, which includes..

• Tootie's vinyl record collection
• Natalie's unconventional greeting cards
• Jo's assortment of useless crap (e.g. fish pens, fake half limbs, a bendable red squiggly thing)
• Blair's meagre fashion offerings

George Clooney drops by to see if the gals need any help, and Natalie hands him a giant stack of flyers and orders him to hand them out to passersby. George responds by railing about how much he hates it when people put flyers on his windshield, and Natalie's like, "I really don't give a shit, George. Go hand out the flyers."

A weird looking guy decked out in a black bodysuit and dark sunglasses enters the store, and Natalie giddily explains to Mrs. Garrett and the Facts gals that his name is Otto, and that she hired him from an avant-garde gallery in SOHO to needlessly create performance art during their grand opening week. Tootie announces that they're officially ready to open and asks Mrs. Garrett, who's staring over at Otto dismayingly, if she has anything profound to say in order to mark the occasion. When Mrs. Garrett surprisingly declines, Tootie natters about the journey on which they're about to embark...and as she's doing that, ignores a man [whose name we learn is Clark and] who's standing outside their door waving a dollar bill. When she finally allows him to enter, he says he needs change - LOL - but hastily adds that he'd be more than happy to be their first customer by buying a fugly plastic doll for his granddaughter. 

"Picture it: a weird man in a bodysuit, freaking the hell out of our customers."

"We're a tad concerned that this could be the stupidest idea you've ever come up with."

As the day progresses, Blair happily grumbles that her many customers are running her ragged, while Mrs. Garrett is visibly vexed by Otto's loud balloon popping. Two old ladies shuffle in and ask Mrs. Garrett if she has any quiche available...then quickly get disinterested when they're told that the store is no longer Edna's Edibles. Mrs. Garrett urges them to try her chocolate chip cookies - just as Clark returns to report that the fugly plastic doll he just bought is missing an arm. Seems like something someone would have noticed at the point of sale, but OK. Tootie lets him pick out another doll before sending him on his way, while the old ladies try to figure out what in the heck the bendable red squiggly thing in Jo's section is.

Tootie notices a well dressed man enter their store and head straight for the Tina Turner outfits. When she asks if she can help him, he flashes his badge at her and says he's with the New York Department of Investigations. He informs her that there's a problem with the clothing items 'cause apparently Tina Turner never authorized a clothing line. He asks for the bill of sale, which Blair promptly produces, sees that Mrs. Garrett's name is on the receipt, and brusquely tells her he's going to have to haul her downtown for questioning.

The Facts gals sit around, looking bummed, as they worry about what Mrs. Garrett could be enduring right now. Otto, meanwhile, is busying himself by hanging up clothing on a clothesline and reciting bizarre poetry...and Natalie finally admits that, yep, his schtick is total bullshit. Clark returns to complain that doll #2 is missing an eye...and as Tootie wails, "How does this keep happening?!", Natalie stress tests a new one by slamming it atop the counter several times before handing it to Clark. LOL.

Mrs. Garrett returns, says the cops let her off with a warning, but then slapped her with an unpaid parking ticket (courtesy of Jo's negligence). She then tells the gals she's very uncomfortable in this all-over-the-place type store and thinks they should sell it asap. She adds that the store is far too weird for her and that she has a feeling it's not going to be successful...and as she spacily wanders out of the room, Jo concedes that trying to make a go of an ill-thought-out shitty dollar store was always going to be a risky venture.

"We need to sell this shop and finally go our separate ways."

"What about the binding pact we made to never work or live apart, so long as we five shall live?"

The gals shift their grand opening to a going-out-of-business sale, and George Clooney ushers people in off the streets and bellows at them through a blow horn to buy dollar store type crap that no one could possibly need. The two old ladies from earlier return to tell Mrs. Garrett that her cookies were the best cookies they'd ever eaten, and Jo wryly tells Tootie that so far they've made a $500 profit, which proves that they're clearly amazing at shutting down the very business they launched that morning.   

A real estate agent breezes into the store and cheekily offers Mrs. Garrett 50% of what she paid for the property, then condescendingly says that she and her gals clearly got in over their heads (har har!), seeing as how the store is opening and closing on the same day. Jo admonishes him for trying to rip them off [and by them she means Mrs. Garrett's son Raymond, the actual owner of the building], and Mrs. Garrett suddenly decides she's not really ready to throw in the towel on the new business after all. When a customer holds up the bendable red squiggly thing and asks what in blazes it is, Mrs. Garrett decides it's a planter [that can't actually hold soil], and the customer looks delighted and is all, "Sold!" Jo remarks on the sudden twinkle in Mrs. Garrett's eye, which everyone translates to mean that Over Our Heads will be the glue that keeps them all living under the same roof for the foreseeable future.

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