The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 22

"I plan to squander my cash windfall as quickly as I received it."

"Big Time Charlie"
Original airdate: 3/29/1986

Episode summary: Jo's father is awarded a cash windfall and blows the entire thing during the course of one episode.

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Recap: Jo is glancing around the living room at the giant flower bouquets her father just had delivered for some unknown reason - just as Tootie enters the room to express concern that Natalie and, more importantly, the camera she loaned her haven't yet returned from Miami. A few seconds later, Natalie walks through the door and gets an earful from Tootie about losing the camera - but Natalie assures her it's in her suitcase, which turns out to be someone else's suitcase she accidentally picked up at baggage claim. Jo advises Natalie to call the airlines to straighten it out - but a sheepish Natalie's all, "No can do" and explains that she threw away her baggage claim ticket.

Papa Polniaczek arrives wearing a fancy new three-piece suit and for some reason has a gold Rolex on each wrist. He announces, "I'm rich" ... and when the Facts gals are all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?", he explains that he won $300,000 in a magazine giveaway, is now referring to himself as a tycoon, and abruptly quit his job so he could manage his unexpected windfall full time. When a phone starts ringing, he opens his briefcase, answers the phone that's installed inside, and approves the purchase of some stocks. After hanging up, he cackles about how much he loooooves having enough dough to invest, then offers to take the Facts gals out to dinner.

"I'm now going by the title tycoon."

"OK. I'll continue to be known as skeptical."

After dinner, Papa Polniaczek rolls his eyes about the pizza dinner he just paid for and says that next time he'd like to treat them to dinner at a swanky place, then asks Blair to recommend some nice rich people restaurants. After Blair, Tootie, and Natalie head upstairs to bed, Papa Polniaczek presents Jo with a top-of-the-line motorcycle helmet. She looks impressed and jokes that it's far nicer than her bike...and when Papa Polniaczek says he could remedy that by buying her a new one, Jo perks up and asks, "How many cylinders?" Papa Polniaczek urges her to come to New York on Friday to check out his new office space, which he's needlessly leasing so he can sit behind a desk in a comfy office chair while making over-the-phone stock purchases...then wonders aloud if he should also go out and buy a Jaguar. Jo's just kind of like, "That all sounds like fun", instead of pointing out that while 300K is a nice windfall, it's not all that much money...and at the stupid rate he's going, there's no way he's not going to burn through it in a matter of days. 

Natalie is on the phone with the airlines trying to get her suitcase back, but it ends up being a lost cause when the person she's talking to learns she threw away her baggage claim ticket. Jo, meanwhile, returns home with several Macy's shopping bags filled with an assortment of kind of the shapeless, oversized sweaters she's been sporting most of this season. She explains to the gals that her father footed the bill 'cause he's trying to make up for all the years he never had any money to give her. She says she hopes he slows down his spending - but in the next scene, a package from ​Papa Polniaczek arrives containing a mink coat and a set of car keys belonging to her brand new convertible.  

"My dad got me this beautiful fur coat."

"It'll go perfectly with your chunky sweater and sneaker collection."

Upstairs in the bedroom, Jo is calculating the various things her father has spent his cash windfall on and figures he's blown close to $120,000 during the course of one week. Blair looks impressed and says, "That beats my record", then reminds Jo that she hasn't even factored in the taxes. Jo groans and says she's going to have to have a talkin' to with her pops about the idiotic, drunken sailor type way he's been spending his newfound cash. 

Andy goes through the suitcase Natalie mistakenly brought home from the airport in an effort to scour clues about who the person is. After staring at what looks like old man clothes for several minutes, he finds a matchbook with a New York City address on it. Natalie and Tootie decide they want to look into it and that they'll go into the city with Jo while she's en route to confront her father.  

Papa Polniaczek is in his new office, tossing paper wads into the trash can, when Jo arrives. He natters about how much he loooooves showering her with expensive gifts, then abruptly confesses, "I lost all the money." When a stunned Jo's all, "Come again?", he explains that, in addition to this leased office and all the needless crap he bought for her earlier this episode, he decided 'why not invest 50K in Florida oranges?', only to promptly lose it all when the crop died due to unforeseen frost. He apologizes to Jo for so quickly reverting back to his default settings as a flat-busted dumbfuck, and Jo just shrugs and reminds him that she's not the fancy sort who, figuratively or literally, likes to dine uptown. She hand over the keys to the convertible and tells him she took the mink coat back - but draws the line at returning the motorcycle helmet and says he's simply going to have to suck up the cost of that cherished item.

"Who would have figured how quickly I'd burn through all that cash?"

"My guess is anyone who's known you for longer than five minutes."

The rest of the Facts gals arrive at Papa Polniaczek's office with what they assume is Natalie's suitcase...and complain that it smells like Raid 'cause the person who had it was having their apartment fumigated. Tootie says she's going to rifle through it to recover her camera, and quickly realizes that it's Wrong Suitcase #2...and Natalie's all, "Wuh?" - but then decides to keep it 'cause the clothes inside are her size and far nicer than anything she owns.

​Whoops!

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