The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 21

Natalie enjoys a needless game of charades with a kangaroo mascot

"The Candidate"
Original airdate: 3/1/1986

Episode summary: Natalie enters the mayoral race in an effort to expose dishonest amusement park developers. 

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Recap: Blair is hanging up posters promoting the reelection of Peekskill's Mayor Callahan...and when Jo grumbles about how Over Our Heads is starting to look like his campaign headquarters, Blair says she volunteered to help the campaign 'cause she strongly believes in this mayor. Not coincidentally, Tootie is displaying her vast inventory of paraphernalia associated with Howie the Kangaroo and the soon-to-be-constructed Howieland Amusement Park while gushing about what a big Howie fan she is.  

Natalie brags about the recent letter to the editor she submitted to the local paper regarding Howieland and insists on reading it aloud again. She objects to the construction of the theme park in dramatic fashion by accusing the developers of "raping our land" and "blackening our skies" and implies that Mayor Callahan is in the park developers' pocket. A few seconds later, Tootie squeals with excitement when Andy enters the store carrying a ginormous Howie mascot costume.

Natalie reads over the letters she received in response to her editorial, one of which suggests she run for mayor. She decides she likes the sound of that idea despite not being the minimum age one needs to be to run for mayor, having no relevant experience of any kind, and a limited platform of 'I hate amusement parks'. Blair warns that no one is going to take her seriously, and insists that Mayor Callahan would inform the public if the Howieland developers were guilty of any shenanigans. Jo argues that Callahan is a politician and therefore is by default a liar...and Natalie stares contemplatively into space and says she's going to need a campaign slogan.

​Tootie announces that the Howieland fan kits have arrived - oh joy - and predicts they'll make a fortune on the junk. Natalie, meanwhile, is on the phone with a reporter trying to announce her candidacy...and when she can't get the reporter interested, Jo grabs the phone and fibs that Natalie Green's campaign launch will be plenty newsworthy 'cause she plans to mark the occasion by firing herself out of a cannon. LOL.

Blair enters the store with Mayor Callahan, who thanks the Facts gals for generating much needed sales tax revenue by selling their inventory of crap to Over Our Heads customers. Tootie says she hopes they'll have even more to contribute once Howieland brings prosperity to them all, while Natalie tells Callahan she disagrees with him on just about every issue...to which he responds by shaking her hand and schmaltzing about how happy he is to meet her. A cynical Jo warns Natalie he's wanking her just to butter her up, so Natalie snarks at Mayor Callahan that she's nobody's fool, describes Howieland as a fiasco, and vows to get construction of the amusement park shut down. Mayor Callahan argues that the park would be good for the community 'cause of all the tourist dollars it'd bring in, prompting Blair to ask the mayor if he'd be willing to investigate anything that seemed amiss with Howieland. He's like, "Mmm...prolly not" before insisting [not too convincingly] that the theme park developers are on the up and up. He then bids Blair adieu and tells her he'll see her at the Howieland party (the developers are throwing for him), and wishes Natalie good luck with her [hopeless] campaign.

"If something were amiss with Howieland, I'm confident you'd get to the bottom of it."

"That doesn't sound at all like something I could be counted on to do."

Natalie remarks on how shady it is that the Howieland developers are throwing a party for the mayor and takes that as proof that something sinister is going on. She then gets a phone call from a "mysterious" informant who identifies herself as Sore Throat and claims to have dirt on Howieland. She arranges to meet Natalie at Over Our Heads at midnight and orders her to come alone...and Tootie scrunches her face worriedly and warns Natalie she might be putting herself in danger [despite the strong likelihood that Sore Throat is someone very close to them...like the blonde Facts gal who wasn't in the room when the phone rang]. 

At midnight, a nervous Natalie skulks around Over Our Heads and mutters to whoever might be within earshot that she's alone and unarmed. She finds Andy, Tootie, and Jo hiding behind the counter armed with makeshift weapons and orders them to leave 'cause she's pretty sure she's not in any physical danger. Natalie eventually notices that the giant Howie mascot costume is occupied by someone who insists on keeping this inane storyline going by playing a game of charades to communicate her super secret intel. After several painful minutes, Natalie figures out that the mascot is in possession of documents, which Sore Throat pulls out of her front pouch...and Natalie doesn't refrain from asking the mascot why in the hell she couldn't have just handed them over instead of making her endure a pointless game of charades. The documents turn out to be construction plans for Howieland, which the mascot insists Mayor Callahan has not seen and knows nothing about.

Natalie shows the construction plans to Jo, Tootie, and Andy...and the four quickly realize that Howieland is going to be built outside of the city limits, meaning that Peekskill won't benefit from any kind of tourism-related revenue. Tootie declares she's now ashamed to have been a supporter of Howieland...and after the four go upstairs to find a hiding place for the documents, Blair enters the living room wearing the bottom half of the Howie mascot. The live studio audience collectively moans, "Ooooh..?!" as if this revelation could actually qualify as any kind of shocker.

The next day, Natalie announces that she could bypass the age restriction for running for mayor if she's able to get 5,000 signatures on a petition - but Blair pooh poohs that idea and points out that Peekskill already has a good mayor. Natalie insists she'd be a lot more effective at getting the important things done, e.g. abolish speed bumps and walk/don't walk signals, and punish kids in movie theaters who blurt out spoilers. A few seconds later, a gaggle of reporters arrive to cover Natalie's foray into politics...and Jo urges Natalie to be as vague as possible while answering questions so she can save her bombshell about Howieland's construction plans for tonight's televised debate. A bearded reporter asks Natalie why anyone should vote for her, given her lack of experience and zero knowledge of politics, and Natalie pivots to nothingness with a long-winded, nonsensical non-answer, demonstrating that she's at least somewhat politically savvy.

"Why should voters trust an inexperienced mayoral candidate who's barely out of her teens?"

"Let me answer that question with a bucket of verbal diarrhea."

Mayoral debate night! Natalie is preparing her Down With Howieland presentation when Andy brings her her poll numbers, which indicate she has zero chance of winning the election. Blair ambles over and concurs with this projected outcome - just as Natalie drops the bombshell that the Howieland developers are building a logjam ride in Mayor Callahan's backyard. Blair calls the accusation ridiculous, but Natalie insists there's merit to the rumor and that she plans to implicate the mayor in this "scandal" on live TV. 

When Mayor Callahan arrives at the TV station, Blair comes right out and asks him if Howieland is building a logjam ride in his backyard, and he's all, "Wha-a-a?" and denies making any such deal...so Blair rushes over to a bank of pay phone and calls one booth from the adjacent booth and tells Natalie she has a phone call. When Natalie picks up the phone, Blair slips into her Sore Throat persona and tells her that the logjam ride rumor is a lie, then surreptitiously grabs Howieland's construction plans from inside Natalie's purse and runs off.

Mayor Callahan uses his opening statement to announce that his sources have discovered the existence of documents that prove Howieland is going to turn Peekskill into a ghost town...then cleverly credits Natalie's campaign for bringing this information to his attention - before she has a chance of accusing him of stealing the construction plans.

The Facts gals are at home watching election coverage, and Callahan is winning by a landslide. Natalie gets another phone call from Sore Throat insisting that she - and not the Mayor - was the one who stole Howieland's construction plans. She then tells Natalie she shouldn't run for office and reminds her she's wanted to be a writer since she was six...and it finally dawns on Natalie that Sore Throat couldn't possibly be anyone other than Blair. Natalie, Tootie, and Jo wander into the store, find Blair on the phone, and are all 'busted!' ... and Blair sheepishly hands the receiver to Natalie and says, "It's for you." Womp womp!

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