The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 16

"Hello, Johnny? This is Tootie, showbiz's newest starmaker."

"The Agent"
Original airdate: 1/18/1986

Episode summary: Tootie declares herself a talent agent and tries to launch the career of a fledgling comedian who really just seems more interested in pursuing his MBA.

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Recap: Jo brings a batch of newly baked peanut butter cookies into the store and asks Blair to test taste one...and Blair tentatively takes a bite and chews with no seeming ability to swallow the large morsel. Tootie, meanwhile, returns home and rails at Natalie about the terrible review she just got for her latest play performance, and Natalie urges her to use the brutal constructive criticism to better hone her craft. Andy arrives with the mail, which includes a letter from Mrs. Garrett that has her peanut butter cookie recipe enclosed...and it turns out that Jo put 12 cups instead of 1/2 cup of peanut butter into the cookie batter, which seems implausibly stupid to say the least, but OK.

Tootie wonders if maybe she should get into the business end of showbiz and become a talent agent - just as an exuberant looking young man enters the store and flirtily chats her up. When she offers him one of Jo's inedible cookies, he gets into the kind of overacted, cheeseball comedic schtick mode that '80s sitcoms made really painful to watch as he retorts that "real men don't eat cookies" and that he'd rather she offer him something manly, like a hard piece of bread or year-old licorice. He eventually decides on a cup of coffee, jesting about how "real men" only carry dirty money (?). He finally introduces himself as Robert Davis...and after chortling at his [mediocre at best] comedic skills, Natalie tells him he really should pursue a career as a comedian. Robert says he's contemplated that in the past and had a choice to get an MBA and become a rich banker, or go the artistic route and eke out a living as a starving comedian...and [wisely] chose the MBA. Tootie tells him she's just decided to walk away from "the spotlight" after being called out on her shittastic acting abilities - but that he should not do the same because of how naturally funny and talented he is. Robert's like, "Nah, I'm good", then needlessly slips into a schtick about coffee drinking before announcing that he's off to the library. 

"A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are all in a rowboat.."

"You're the funniest man who ever lived."

Tootie tells Natalie it's almost criminal that Robert feels like he should go into something safe like business administration when he clearly has so much raw talent. She decides she's going to take it upon herself to change the course of this complete stranger's life history by running after him and convincing him to pursue a long-shot career as a comedian - just as Jo and Blair emerge from the kitchen with second batch of inedible peanut butter cookies.

Tootie hauls Robert back to Over Our Heads and offers to be his agent...and when he's like, "What the hell do you know about being an agent?", she tells him she has loads of fresh and perky ideas to "package" his image, aka changing his name to something like Bob-O or Rob-O. Robert asks Tootie why she's getting so involved in his life - right?? - so she says it's obvious he has talent and that she "knows people" who could help launch his funnyman career once they've seen him perform in a showcase that she plans to haphazardly throw together inside the store. Robert mulls that over and promises to think about it. 

Tootie gets on the phone and asks the operator for Johnny Carson's number - just as Natalie returns home and reports that she's plastered posters for Robert's upcoming showcase all over town. She raves about what a raging success it's going to be...and when Jo expresses doubt that any of this is a good idea, Blair suggests enforcing "a two cookie minimum" to save them from having to throw the baked dreck into the nearest dumpster.

Later, Tootie is bummed that she can't convince anyone important to attend the show (shocker) and can't seem to book Robert on even the lamest local TV or radio show. She then glances at the newspaper and notices that Jim McCawley, comedy talent coordinator for The Tonight Show, is currently in New York State visiting his parents. She excitedly grabs the phone book and goes straight to M for McCawley.

An enthusiastic crowd has gathered inside Over Our Heads for Robert's comedic showcase, and after stalling long enough "to build excitement", Natalie finally introduces the opening act: Sonny Delveccio, a juggler of produce. As this is happening, a less than thrilled looking Jim McCawley arrives and is greeted by Tootie, who gushes about his ability to spot talent...and he's just like, "Yeah, whatever. I'm here." LOL.

Tootie finds Robert in the living room, suddenly too nervous to go onstage. He tells her he had a shot in a comedy club last year and was unanimously declared not funny, but Tootie breezily says the audience was probably of the dead variety and reminds him he now has a whole new outlook. Natalie pops in to inform Tootie that the juggled food is starting to go bad, and Robert says he's ready to perform and keep his fingers crossed that he doesn't bomb as craptastically as he did last time.

"I was once deemed an unfunny comedian by everyone who saw my act."

"I refuse to acknowledge the reality of your comedic shortcomings."

Robert takes the stage and launches into a schtick that includes making fun of the way people order off of menus, recounting how he was one of the first black kids to enrol in the snooty prep school he attended, and the hilarity of what would happen if uptight rich folk ever tried to perform a rap song. After he wraps it up, the audience woots and cheers - except for Jim McCawley, who's just staring blankly into space, much to the dismay of Tootie. 

Tootie wanders over to Jim and apologizes for the lacklustre reaction he had to her client - but he tells her that, on the contrary, he quite enjoyed the performance. He explains that because he sees dozens of comedians perform every week, he can rarely bring himself to laugh aloud anymore...but insists that he found Robert on the 'somewhat amusing' side. Tootie perks up at that assessment and asks if this could translate to Robert being booked on The Tonight Show, but Jim chuckles heartily and says that Robert's way too green and needs plenty of seasoning before he can even hope to enter the big leagues. When Robert wanders over a few seconds later, Jim tells him he did a terrific job and that he plans to keep an eye on his career - but makes it clear that right now he's nowhere near ready for a coveted spot on Johnny's show. After he exits the store, Robert tells Tootie he's thrilled by that positive-ish review - but she sourly shakes her head and says she's definitely not cut out to be an agent and wants to leap back onto the acting side. Robert's like, "Kewl!", then shows her the dollar tip he got from someone in the audience...and Tootie starts haggling with him about what percentage of that dollar she's entitled to as his agent.

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