The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 11

Gwen hangin' with her hussy BFF Edna

"We Get Letters"
Original airdate: 11/30/1985

Episode summary: An old friend of Mrs. Garrett's accuses her of having an affair with her late husband. Andy performs as a mime in front of the store's display window.

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Recap: The Fact gals (- Blair, + Andy) are cleaning out crumpled up wads of newspaper that Blair somehow thought was a reasonable idea to feature in the store's display window. Jo grumbles about how this idiocy made it look as if they just toss their trash on the floor, then acknowledges that they're going to have to replace Blair's "newspaper display" with (hopefully) something less stupid. Andy's like, "How about a mime?" ... and no one looks thrilled with that idea - but when Blair returns home and demands to know what happened to her newspaper display, the other Facts gals tell her they have no better idea than to agree with Andy's suggestion of putting a mime in the display window. It's mystifying why they don't simply use the display window as a showcase for whatever dollar store crap generates the most sales.

Jo tells Mrs. Garrett that her old pal Gwen Schafer called and left a message that she's stopping by for a visit tomorrow. Mrs. Garrett squeals happily at the news and tells the gals that she and Gwen used to share everything - everything meaning clothes and boyfriends. Except for Jack, who was Gwen's beloved (late) husband and a major catch.  

Andy is performing his mime skills for the Facts gals...and eventually Natalie complains that his mime-ing is really beginning to annoy her. George Clooney decides that Andy has rehearsed enough...so he picks him up and carries him over to the display window where he can begin to "entertain" passersby.

Mrs. Garrett laments how old she looks and says, in comparison, Gwen somehow manages to look perfect all the time. Blair tells her not to worry 'bout that, and that the perfect people of the world - herself, for example - don't expect regular ugly-folk to live up to their beauty standards. She condescendingly adds, "Just do your best. We understand." LOL.

When Gwen makes her grand entrance, Mrs. Garrett gushes about how much she's missed her and gives her a big hug. Gwen mentions that she booked a hotel room for her stay in Peekskill, and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face disapprovingly and says she's more than welcome to stay with her - but Gwen breezily says it isn't necessary 'cause she's leaving town in the morning. The two seat themselves at the table to begin a much anticipated gossip session and regale the Facts gals with a tale about their younger days when Mrs. Garrett visited Gwen in New York and the secret code they developed: a ribbon on the doorknob meant 'help me!', while beads on the doorknob meant 'don't interrupt; this guy's a keeper'. The problem with the code was that Mrs. Garrett was too much of a dolt to ever get it straight, and one night she barged in on Gwen when she was canoodling a high quality guy. Of course, the secret code was thrown out the window once Gwen hooked up with Jack, a discarded blind date of Mrs. Garrett that she passed along to Gwen...and Gwen smilingly remembers that Jack proposed to her that night by saying, "Edna, will you marry me?" She had replied, "Yes - but my name is Gwen." Womp womp!

"Turns out Edna didn't have the brain power to tell the difference between a ribbon and a string of beads."

"Sad but true."

As Gwen heads back to her hotel to freshen up, George Clooney pops into the room to report that a cheeky (pun intended) passerby is mooning Andy in an effort to get him to crack from his mime impersonation.

Later, Gwen enters Over Our Heads and remarks to Mrs. Garrett how faux impressed she is by all the dollar store shit she and the Facts gals are trying to peddle. Mrs. Garrett tells her that when they were going through the renovation process she would often wonder 'how would Jack rebuild it?', then dreamily recalls how special Jack made her feel after her divorce. Gwen reacts by shooting her the stink-eye and angrily muttering, "You are unbelievable", then sneers at her for giving "the performance of a lifetime". Mrs. Garrett stares back at her in bewilderment and says she has no idea what she's talking about, so Gwen snaps, "Uh, the relationship you had with my husband" and accuses her of being a deceitful hussy for the last fifteen years. She then produces a stack of letters that she (Edna) wrote to Jack and explains that she recently found them when she finally summoned the will to go through Jack's things. Mrs. Garrett insists that the letters are completely innocent - but Gwen growls, "How dare you" and points out that they were all signed 'with much love, Edna'. She then slams the letters on the counter before storming out.

"These letters are proof that you were messing around with my husband."

"Frankly, they're inconclusive at best."

Andy, who was silently mime-ing in the display window during the confrontation, later recounts the ugly scene to George Clooney. George says that while this is clearly none of their business, he's choosing to retain faith that Mrs. Garrett would never mess around with her BFF's husband. A few seconds later, the Facts gals enter the room and ask whassup, so Andy blabs that Gwen just accused Mrs. Garrett of having an affair with her husband and had a stack of "love letters" as proof. Blair mulls that over for a few seconds and decides that, yep, anything's possible, and Natalie wholeheartedly concurs and reminds everyone about how her dickwad of a father was publicly carrying on with his mistress in Season 3. She adds that if Mrs. Garrett really was hitting the sheets with Jack she'd be extremely disappointed - particularly in light of all of Mrs. Garrett's sanctimonious tête-à-têtes over the years about trust and loyalty. 

Natalie enters the store after Mrs. Garrett has closed up and rambles about the terrible day she had, which included learning that someone she deeply admires may have slept with her BFF's husband...then rails that ever since finding out her father cheated on her mother, she now assumes that "the whole world has affairs". Mrs. Garrett insists that that's not true and swears that she was never anything more than close friends with Jack. Natalie stubbornly says she can't quite bring herself to believe that, and Mrs. Garrett snaps, "Then don't!" and says she resents having to justify her non-cheating behavior to her own friends. 

"Is there anything you want to confess to me?"

"I'm going to go with definitely not."

In private, Mrs. Garrett reads over the letters that Jack wrote to her, specifically how much he cherished being alone with his thoughts...and her. Mmm hmm..

Mrs. Garrett summons Gwen for one last drop-in, and Gwen complies and says the only reason she came was 'cause she's curious about what a cheating whore could possibly have to say for herself. Mrs. Garrett reminds Gwen of the night the two of them, plus Jack, went to an opening of one of Jack's New York restaurants...and that during dinner he read aloud one of his poems. Gwen makes a blech face at the memory and recalls that she made it clear to Jack how much of a waste of time she thought writing poetry was and was adamant about not wanting a starving artist for a husband. Unbeknownst to Gwen, in response to her cunty 'tude, Jack continued to write poetry in secret and passed it along to Mrs. Garrett to critique. As Gwen pales and is all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?", Mrs. Garrett points out that no husband and wife can be everything to each other, so she figured 'what was the harm with Jack secretly sharing his poetry with me instead of doing it out in the open and risk getting his soul chipped away at by his unsupportive shrew of a wife?'

Mrs. Garrett produces her box of Jack's letters and hands one of the letters to Gwen, who reads it and is quickly forced to come to the sheepish realization that many of his poems were centered around the deep love he felt for his wife. Mrs. Garrett suggests that, now that the truth has come out, they can gloss over the horrible accusation that was lobbed against her this episode and spend their remaining time blissfully covering as much juicy gossip as possible...and when Gwen smilingly agrees, the two start gabbing in earnest. 

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