The Facts of Life - Season 6, Episode 5

This is what a sixth season with no interesting storyline ideas looks like

"Cruisin'"
Original airdate: 10/31/1984

Episode summary: The Facts gals spend Saturday night driving in an endless loop around downtown Peekskill.

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Recap: It's Saturday night, and the Facts gals are riding around Peekskill in Blair's fancy car with Jo in the driver's seat. Blair complains about how lame it is to be cruisin' up and down Main Street and would prefer to go to a movie - but Natalie and Tootie are all into the idea of spending an entire mind-numbing episode cruisin' [without the comforting background noise of a live studio audience laugh track] and ask Jo to crank up the radio so they can sing along. Incidentally, this is the first episode we see of Tootie without her braces.  

Jo says she has no opinion one way or the other about the writers forcing them to spend the episode inside a car and says that in the Bronx, people with nothing better to do ride around the borough at 15 mph. Blair urges Natalie and Tootie to refrain from openly gawking at men with such eager 'we're available for some G rated fun!' expressions, then says that the best way to attract a guy is to appear disinterested. Natalie implores Blair to get into the spirit of their cruisin' - just as Blair spots Cathy, a sorority girl [who harbors a grudge against her for asking out her fiancé to homecoming] and immediately tries to hide herself 'cause she doesn't want Cathy gossiping to anyone that she saw her cruisin' with three gal pals on a Saturday night. Egads!

Tootie gets jazzed when the radio DJ announces a contest to win Abba concert tickets and puts out a trivia question. Tootie bellows, "I know the answer to that!" and asks Jo to pull over before she bursts out of the car and scampers to the nearest phone booth. A few seconds later, she glumly returns after not getting through to the radio station quick enough and snarks that since Natalie borrowed her last dime, she had to resort to asking a bum if he had any spare change. Blair continues to bitch about the inanity of aimlessly driving up and down Main Street, and insists on keeping the car windows closed so they can give other motorists the idea that they're aloof and unattainable....and/or in the process of being transported somewhere. Natalie spots a sexy motorcyclist and giddily shares how turned on she is by a man in leather, then opens her window and screeches, "Hey! Do you need directions?!" - but he just speeds away disinterestedly.

Blair announces that a car filled with classy guys is pulling up beside them...but has to quickly take that back when the guys pull down their pants for a full mooning. Tootie studies the naked bottoms and cackles, "I think I know that ass!" - LOL - while Jo hits the gas and needlessly runs a red light.

"One of those guys could be my soulmate."

"..on whose ass I could bounce quarters off of!"

After the commercial break, Jo pulls into a drive-in for a snack break. After placing their order, they spot a lonely aging redhead parked next to them...and are all, "Ack!" when they realize it's Mrs. Garrett. They cluck sympathetically about how sad and depressed the old girl must be if she's spending her Saturday night cruisin' around Peekskill. Mrs. Garrett eventually notices them parked next to her, screeches hello, and tells them she just had a great night at the movies...then introduces them to the silver-haired fox she's currently on a date with. He gives the shocked gals a perfunctory nod before climbing into the driver's seat and driving off...and a few seconds later, Blair runs into her sorority nemesis again and is newly embarrassed at being seen cruisin' dateless on Saturday night. When the waitress brings them the bill for the drive-in snacks, the gals suddenly realize they don't have enough cash...and Jo proposes they beat a hasty retreat, and return in the morning to pay up.

"Hi girls. Meet my sexy date for the evening."

"We shall take that as an added humiliation."

Jo advises they lay low at a nearby gas station, while Blair worriedly wrings her hands that someone at the drive-in got their license plate and is calling the cops. Tootie gabbles about about badly she wants to participate in the radio contest and starts singing along to You've Lost That Loving Feeling when it starts playing. Blair joins in and stares yearningly at Jo as the two belt out the lyrics together. Mmm hmm..

Tootie scrambles out of the car to try to be the tenth caller in the radio contest, but returns dejectedly when the phone in the nearest booth turns out to be broken. Jo pretends she can't start the car and says the battery must have drained...and Natalie starts freaking out about being trapped in the middle of nowhere - until Tootie calms her down with a face smack. Jo chuckles and says she was just messing with them, and starts up the engine to aimlessly drive somewhere else. [Holy fucking shit, writers.]

Blair lets out a sigh and says she was hoping to meet someone special while cruisin'. Jo tells her she once met a guy while cruisin' in the Bronx...and by met, she means she admired his Trans Am before he took a hard turn off the cruisin' loop and drove off into the night. When Blair suggests they throw in the towel on this wretched boredom and head home, Natalie begs for one more lap around Main Street - just as the radio DJ gives Tootie a shout-out for being the night's most persistent caller. Even though, according to my calculations, she was only able to get through to the radio station once. Tootie shrieks happily, which is where this bizarre episode abruptly ends.

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