The Facts of Life - Season 6, Episode 3

"Ms. Surly, meet Mr. Right."

"Love at First Byte"
Original airdate: 10/17/1984

Episode summary: Natalie submits info on Jo and Blair to a computer dating service to hook them up with "the perfect mates".

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Recap: When Tootie blabs to Mrs. Garrett that Natalie is up to something nefarious this episode, Natalie explains that she's acting all giddy and secretive 'cause she's planning to pepper Jo and Blair with scientifically constructed questions, then submit their responses to a computer dating service that will tabulate the results and match them up with the perfect mates. Tootie rolls her eyes and says she's mostly doing this to prove a thesis for her psychology term paper - but Natalie argues that her only motive is to inject some love and romance in the lives of Jo and Blair, who refuse to publicly acknowledge the non-hetero undercurrents in their friendship that have been crackling just below the surface for the last four seasons. 

Blair and Jo come downstairs, peppering each other with fast facts for an upcoming exam. Natalie pretends to be merely curious about their interests and preferences as she works her way through the list of scientifically constructed questions, then asks Tootie to snap a photo of Jo and Blair for their dating profile and breezily explains that she just wants to finish the roll.

Natalie and Tootie arrive at the computer dating service place to submit Jo's and Blair's completed questionnaires. When a hunky blonde man named Rex Winchester arrives to drop off his questionnaire, Natalie brazenly ogles him and remarks on how surprised she is that such a looker would need a dating service. When the front desk guy steps away to input Jo's and Blair's data into the computer, Natalie steals a glance at Rex's questionnaire and decides it'd be fun to submit her own questionnaire that is closely aligned with Rex Winchester's interests and preferences.

"This computer dating service is little more than a money grab targeting the lonely and gullible."

"I'd be willing to shell out some hard earned cash to be matched up with the hunky blonde who just walked in."

Natalie fibs to Jo and Blair about getting them tickets to a Springsteen concert, while Tootie and Mrs. Garrett engage in a barely developed subplot about Mrs. Garrett coaxing Tootie to be her new bridge partner now that her previous one has moved away.

When the doorbell rings, Natalie tells Jo and Blair she has an even better surprise for them than Springsteen, then says she engaged a computer to match them each up with "the perfect man". She proudly says, "Meet your dream men!" while opening the door to two nondescript looking dorkboys named Doug and Chip. Doug presents a bouquet of flowers to Jo, who looks visibly pissed off...as does Blair when Chip hands her a box of chocolates. Blair asks Mrs. Garrett to give Doug and Chip a tour of Edna's Edibles [presumably so that she and Jo can kill Natalie without witnesses] ... and once they're out of earshot, a still giddy Natalie explains that she's attempting to prove a theory for her psychology term paper that a computer can help humans find love. And that when she fed their data into a computer, out popped Chip and Doug. Jo snaps that she hates flowers, and Blair gets on that bandwagon and snaps that she hates milk chocolate. Natalie says, if it's any comfort, she too has subjected herself to a computer match-up...and a few seconds later, hunky Rex Winchester makes his grand entrance and brags about driving over in his Porsche. Blair whimpers at not being matched with a richer, hunkier male counterpart, then joins forces with Jo to assure Mrs. Garrett - who looks like she's about to settle into one of her solemn-faced chastisements to scold them about their hostile 'tude - that they have no plans to humiliate two innocents like Chip and Doug by rudely bailing on their date.

"We agree with everything you're about to guilt us with in your usual sanctimonious tone."

"Could we go through the motions anyway?"

At the restaurant, Natalie works overtime trying to initiate conversation among the couples, but everyone just stares moodily into space...except Rex, who natters about the salad bar offerings and how it "works" for him. When Chip and Doug escape the table to load up at the salad bar, Blair and Jo complain to Natalie that they're having a shitty time 'cause they don't have anything in common with their dates. Blair tells Natalie it might help if she left, like pronto, and Natalie agrees and orders Rex to take her home. Rex perks up at this development and assumes he has a shot of getting lucky.

When Chip and Doug return from the salad bar, Blair explains that the double date they've all found themselves on was a surprise to her and Jo 'cause Natalie took it upon herself to submit their data so that a computer could match them up with their perfect mates. Doug suggests that since they're all out for the evening, they might as well make the most of it...and when Jo proposes they go Dutch, everyone visibly relaxes and begins engaging in fun banter.

Tootie stares worriedly at Mrs. Garrett, who's playing cards with an imaginary bridge partner. Over on the couch, Rex is prattling to Natalie about how much he hates eating the same food twice in a row, e.g. he will not eat a turkey sandwich at lunch and agree to a turkey enchilada for dinner. As Natalie stares back at him with bored disdain, he suggests they go whitewater rafting this weekend - but she tells him she's all whitewater rafted out and that it's suddenly waaaaay past her bedtime. He takes the hint and promptly leaves, leaving Natalie to wring her hands about her term paper, since it's clear she can't prove that computer dating isn't a disaster. When she wails about having no idea what went wrong, Mrs. Garrett chides her for thinking that love could be "manufactured by a computer".

"I'm also not that wild about eating anything in the poultry family more than four times a week, ya dig?"

"You're an object of deep fascination, Rex."

Jo and Blair return from their double date in good spirits. They tell Natalie that once they got over the awkwardness of being matched up with a couple of dorkboys via computer, they realized that Chip and Doug are actually pretty nice guys. Natalie looks unimpressed and grumbles that nice doesn't equal love, but Blair points out that everyone should be satisfied that she and Jo each made a new friend this evening, in spite of Jo's inherent surliness. Natalie mulls this over and decides she was successful in helping bring about compatible relationships, and points out that friendships are nearly as impactful as romantic hookups. Mrs. Garrett perks up at that notion and says she'd be interested in using scientifically constructed questions to find herself a new bridge partner, then cackles devilishly to herself just before the end credits roll. Weird.

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