The Facts of Life - Season 6, Episode 14

"Looks like your one-woman play gets off to a shittastic start."

"Me and Eleanor"
Original airdate: 1/2/1985

Episode summary: Tootie writes a one-woman play about Eleanor Roosevelt, and is in denial for most of the episode about how shitty her writing is.

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Recap: Mrs. Garrett gets off the phone and shrieks, "I got it!!" ... and by it she means a catering/hosting gig for the upcoming after-theatre-awards-ceremony-party. She giddily points out that the exposure could mean more business for Edna's Edibles, then decides she's going to need to hire a big strong man to help out with lifting heavy boxes, etc. during the prep for the party. Natalie promptly writes up a 'man wanted' sign, which hastily gets posted on the front door. Seems like a somewhat vague way to recruit for temporary employment, but OK.

Natalie tells Tootie she has a brilliant idea for a one-woman play for Tootie to perform at the theatre awards competition: a long, rambling monologue by a woman trapped in a barrel. When she explains that it's an avant-garde type idea that one could describe as 'a metaphor for life', Tootie makes an ew face and says she absolutely hates the idea.

A prepubescent boy enters the store, introduces himself as Andy Moffett, and tells Jo he's responding to the 'man wanted' ad...and preemptively says that what he lacks in size and muscularity he makes up for in smarts and a strong work ethic. He implores Jo to hire him 'cause he'll do absolutely anything, and Jo smirks at his desperation and jokes, "Can I have your phone number?" Andy happily obliges and says he really needs this job 'cause he's saving up for his first date, and Jo's like, "Er, OK..?" and steers him into the kitchen to introduce him to Mrs. Garrett.

"I'm strong and capable, despite not having finished growing yet."

"You're probably the best prospect we're going to attract, so consider yourself hired."

Tootie tells Natalie she wants to write her own play for this year's theatre awards competition and hopes she isn't offended. Natalie shrugs amiably and says she's A-OK with that, and Tootie's like, "Yay!" and scampers upstairs to get started on her literary masterpiece.

Andy holds open the Edna's Edibles door while Jo and Blair struggle to carry a heavy box and large sack of potatoes inside the store. When it dawns on Andy that he's not actually performing the 'man wanted' duties he was hired for, he offers to carry the stuff into the kitchen...and the Facts gals gush about what a great addition to the cast he'll be. Jo looks over the contract that Mrs. Garrett signed with the theatre company and points out that she's only earning 50 cents per pastry...and when Mrs. Garrett's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?!", Blair tells her to chillax 'cause she negotiated the contact in such a way that she'll make up for that shortfall by overcharging on champagne and napkins.

Tootie informs Natalie that she finished writing a one-woman play about Eleanor Roosevelt and would like her to read it over and offer her opinion. Natalie starts reading, quickly decides she doesn't want Tootie hovering over her while she reads, and beats a hasty retreat to the bedroom. 

Natalie sneaks into the kitchen and tells Blair, Jo, and Mrs. Garrett that she read Tootie's play and thinks it's by far the worst thing she's ever read. Blair advises her to avoid hurting Tootie's feelings and just say she looooved it, while Mrs. Garrett urges her to be diplomatic but honest. A few seconds later, Tootie enters the kitchen and excitedly asks Natalie what she thought of her play, and Natalie candidly says that while she loved the title and the non-plot structure, the rest of it was the shits.

"It was the worst piece of crap I've ever had the displeasure of reading."

"By crap you mean magnificent, right?"

​After the commercial break, Natalie says that the play's dialogue needs a whole lot of polishing 'cause of how stilted and downright stupid it is. Tootie contorts her face into a poutish expression before snarking that she's taking her play to Jo and Blair to see if they're willing to offer a more favorable opinion of her shittastic writing abilities.

As Tootie and Natalie help Mrs. Garrett prepare food for the theatre party, Tootie bitchily accuses Natalie of being jealous of her for writing a terrific play on her own. When Jo and Blair enter the room, Tootie asks them what they thought of her play, and Jo wisely says she hasn't read it yet, while Blair breezily replies that she loooooved it. Tootie shoots Natalie a smug grin and flounces out, and Natalie sourly thanks Jo and Blair for making her look like the bad guy. Blair retorts that she should have expected an angry reaction from Tootie 'cause she told her something she didn't want to hear.  

Tootie is rehearsing her grisly play for the theatre competition that evening, and Natalie claps loudly, says she re-read the play, and is now claiming she looooooves it. Tootie skeptically mulls that over as she holds up two fugly dresses with loud patterns and asks which is more Eleanor Roosevelt...and when Mrs. Garrett points out that Eleanor was the subdued type and probably wouldn't have worn either dress, Tootie rolls her eyes and murmurs to Natalie that clearly Mrs. Garrett doesn't understand theatre folk.

Andy arrives at Edna's Edibles with a crookedly painted White House backdrop for Tootie's one-woman play performance. Natalie blurts out, "It stinks", while Tootie says she loves it despite its obvious hideousness...so then Natalie amends her opinion and says, "It stinks in a good way." LOL. Andy beams happily and tells Tootie he also made some tree cutouts...and once the two are out of earshot, Mrs. Garrett chides Natalie for lying to Tootie's face and pretending to like her play. Natalie points out she's being forced to pretend 'cause Tootie has too thin a skin to grasp the concept of constructive criticism.

"How do you like the crooked set I made for your play?"

"It's ugly and amateurish...which totally fits into the theme of my play."

​Theatre party! As Mrs. Garrett serves hors d'oeuvres to the theatre crowd, she overhears one of the guests skewering Tootie's atrocious play. Blair and Jo circulate around the room, pushing as much champagne and napkins on the guests as possible so that Mrs. Garrett can maximize her earnings...and a few seconds later, Blair pulls Natalie aside and tells her that everyone is mocking Tootie for the unintentionally hilarious Eleanor Roosevelt spectacle they just witnessed.

Natalie finds Tootie sulking in a corner 'cause of how suitably mortified she is by how hard the audience laughed during her death scene. LOL. She says she now fully realizes how terrible her play is - then rails at Natalie for revising her original opinion of the dreck and telling her it was good. Natalie growls in exasperation and admonishes her for not being more willing to listen to her suggestions, and points out that when she makes it as a famous actress she's going to need a friend who's willing to be brutally honest with her. Tootie mulls that over and grudgingly concurs...and the two raise their glasses of champagne and toast, "To Eleanor!" 

A customer tells Mrs. Garrett that her prepubescent assistant told her she could order a quiche in the shape of the Star of David for an upcoming bar mitzvah...and Mrs. Garrett hastily says, "Can do!", then shoots Andy an appreciative look as she rips up the 'man wanted' sign.

​Looks like the imp is here to stay.

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