The Facts of Life - Season 6, Episode 13

"Control yourselves, fellas."

"Christmas in the Big House"
Original airdate: 12/19/1984

Episode summary: The Facts cast performs a Christmas show for prison inmates.

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Recap: It's Christmastime in Peekskill, and Mrs. Garrett is getting into the spirit of the holiday by giving away free pastries to everyone who steps foot in Edna's Edibles. When Jo chides her for needlessly giving food away, she explains that she's merely following the tradition of her mother, who insisted on giving to the poor - even though they too were poor. Jo's like, "That's nice. Now stop it 'cause it's hurting our bottom line."

Blair breezes into the store and announces that she and her snooty rich friends have decided to put on a Christmas show for the Nickelby Home for Boys, and excitedly gabbles about how the lads are going to get a show they'll never forget. A few seconds later, the snooty rich friends arrive and tell Blair that they booked a jazz band for the after-party, aka after they're done their good deed...and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face disapprovingly and remarks on the unseemliness of spending Christmas partying to jazz music at a country club.   

A few hours later, Blair returns home looking discombobulated. When everyone asks her whassup, she says she just learned that the Nickelby Home for Boys is less a home for boys than it is a prison for grown men - LOL - and that she and her friends are so skeered to perform there that they're going to bail out by telling the assistant warden they're all sick. Jo angrily retorts that convicts (like her dad once was) are people too, and that it's important for them to know that someone on the outside cares about them. Blair points out how cruel it'd be to parade a lovely blonde such as herself in front of a bunch of horny inmates who have zero chance of hooking up with her, and Jo rolls her eyes and challenges her to get out of her comfort zone and come face-to-face with the type of people she's been sheltered from up until now.

"Once those men get a glimpse of my delicate beauty, they aren't going to take kindly to the reality that they can never have me."

"If I can get used to it, so can they."

When the assistant warden arrives to pick up Blair and her snooty pals and give them a ride to the prison, Blair tells him there's been a mixup, namely that they thought the prison was a home for young boys and that they're too skeered to sing and dance in front of a group of hardened criminals. The assistant warden assures her that the men will be well supervised, but Blair firmly says it's a no-go. As the assistant warden nods glumly and shuffles dejectedly towards the door, Mrs. Garrett perkily offers to bring the inmates some Edna's Edibles fruitcake. Jo perks up at that and says she'd be willing to entertain the men by playing Christmas songs on the piano...and then Natalie and Tootie agree to come along and do their best to perform something halfway interesting. Blair's all, "Wha-a-a-a??" at her castmates' sudden interest in entertaining convicts with a Christmas show, and reluctantly agrees to tag along. 

Mrs. Garrett and the gals arrive at the Nickelby prison...and everyone (sans Blair) huddles together to flesh out the content of the impromptu Christmas show.

As Mrs. Garrett plays the piano, Jo and Natalie step onto the stage dressed up as Scrooge and an elf and perform a holiday duet, which the inmates really get into and enthusiastically clap along with. Afterwards, the three run backstage, high five each other for the awesome performance...and then Mrs. Garrett wrings her hands nervously about Act 2: her solo rendition of Oh Holy Night.

"Have a holly jolly Christmas.."

"We'll assume that this is what's been passing for entertainment while we've been locked up."

Edna starts personally greeting each of the inmates before getting snapped at by some of the more impatient inmates to get her ass back on stage and put on a show. With Jo on the piano, Mrs. Garrett belts out Oh Holy Night, and the men woot and cheer appreciatively.

Tootie follows with a festive Christmas medley while decked out in a pretty white dress. When she finishes with a sassy flourish, the inmates cheer and chant, "More! More! More!" and the Facts gals scrunch their faces anxiously at the realization that there is no more show to offer. Blair sighs deeply and offers to perform, sadly conceding, "It's my turn." She somberly shuffles on stage, clasps her hands demurely in front of her, and croaks I'll Be Home For Christmas...which seemed like an insensitive choice to perform for prison inmates, but OK. Jo accompanies her on the piano as the rest of the cast comes out to join them, and the men - who I can only assume are mostly convicts with hearts of gold - sway in their seats and cheerily sing along. LOL.

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