The Facts of Life - Season 5, Episode 9

"They're like The Lords of Flatbush, but with a lot more discipline."

"Small But Dangerous"
Original airdate: 11/16/1983

Episode summary: The Facts gals and Mrs. Garrett are tormented by a seemingly tough street kid named Kelly.

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Recap: A young Larry Wilmore makes his television acting debut playing a Facts of Life cop who takes a statement from Mrs. Garrett regarding a graffiti complaint. As he writes up the complaint, he urges Mrs. Garrett to keep her doors locked during non-open hours, then leaves to further study the graffiti that some unknown hoodlum spray painted on the store's exterior. Mrs. Garrett wrings her hands worriedly about who she could possibly have offended [no doubt her obnoxious screechiness had a lot to do with it], and then Tootie wrings her hands about the five of them being defenseless women. Blair suggests hiring an armed guard, while Jo boasts about the street cred she earned from her Bronx upbringing and calls graffiti "small potatoes". Mrs. Garrett disagrees and solemnly says that graffiti scares her to death.

A mullet-haired young girl (whose name we soon learn is Kelly) enters the store, and Jo recognizes her as the shoplifter from the Just My Bill episode and bitchily warns her not to try to steal anything. Mrs. Garrett tut tuts Jo for her crankiness and explains to Kelly that they're a bit on edge 'cause of the scary graffiti situation - but Blair interjects and concurs with Jo's bitchitude and tells Mrs. Garrett that Kelly is a shoplifter who once tried to smuggle out a smoked ham under her coat. Kelly swiftly deflects any talk of her shoplifting by gushing over the shiny lustrousness of Blair's blonde hair, a compliment that receives a giddy response from Blair. LOL. Kelly tells Mrs. Garrett she's pretty sure that the Lords of Discipline [a made up street gang loosely based on what I can only assume is The Lords of Flatbush movie that starred the Fonz] were the ones who left their "calling card" on the wall of her building. She calls them the roughest gang in town and gravely adds, "They rule." She offers to have a word with the gang about their vandalism, and Tootie looks impressed at how "connected" Kelly is and asks her if the dudes in this gang are anything like the street toughs in Michael Jackson's Beat It video. (My guess is yes.) Mrs. Garrett declines Kelly's help and says she'd prefer to leave the matter in the hands of the police - but Kelly insists on getting involved and promises to do her best to smooth things over with the Lords.

"I'm sort of like the gang whisperer."

"You really get off on throwing around the bullshit, don't you?"

Kelly returns to the store the next day to report that she spoke with the Lords of Discipline about leaving Edna's Edibles alone. Apparently, they did not take kindly to the request and reacted by chasing her down the street while shouting threats, and Natalie and Tootie buy her implausible nonsense and are all, "Oooh nooo!!" Kelly digresses and asks them how they all know each other, and Tootie proudly tells her they all met at Eastland...and can't bear the thought of not living under the same roof as their former housemother - even in future seasons: when they're all well into their twenties. Kelly looks impressed at the mention of Eastland, then puts her sad face on and says that her mom can't afford to send her to a fancy school like that 'cause she's been out of work, leaving her and her many siblings to live far below the poverty line. Tootie clucks her sympathy and invites her to the movies with her and Natalie - their treat - and Kelly perks up at the prospect of a fun night out with the girls and eagerly accepts. 

Jo enters the store carrying a crumpled garbage can lid, and Blair explains that the Lords of Discipline were the likely culprits. Jo scrunches her face skeptically and says if there were a gang in Peekskill, her "street smarts would be tingling" ... but promises to look into the existence of this pretend gang once she's finished making her deliveries. On her way out, she encounters Kelly entering the store and snidely calls her a smurf...and for whatever reason, Kelly takes great offence to being referred to as an adorable blue cartoon character and directs her disproportionate level of anger towards Blair. She brusquely tells her they have to talk business, identifies herself as one of the gang's "old ladies" (a notable shift from her earlier nonsense), and warns Blair that Edna Edibles' graffiti problems are going to get a whole lot worse unless they start paying her protection money. Blair haughtily calls that extortion...and Kelly turns all menacing and threatens to break every window in the place. When Blair counter-threatens to call the police, Kelly picks up a large jar sitting on the counter and smashes it onto the floor and orders Blair to hand over whatever cash is in the register...and a shaken looking Blair obeys. Kelly warns her that next time she's asked to hand over protection money, she wants her "service with a smile", then smugly exits the store. 

"I have a sixth sense about the existence of street gangs in my orbit."

"Are you as turned on as I am right now?"

Jo returns home a few hours later and boasts about how her "street smarts are humming". She says she got the low-down on the Lords of Discipline...the low-down being that the gang doesn't actually exist. The Facts gals are all, "Wha-a-a-a?" 'cause of how gullible they were to believe Kelly's wild tales, particularly the one about her life of extreme poverty. Blair looks stricken and sheepishly confesses that she handed over $50 from the register to Kelly after she broke a jar and threatened to trash the place. Mrs. Garrett angrily declares that she's reporting the extorting little creep to the police first thing in the morning - but Jo's like, "Easy there, Edna" and says she'll take care of the situation by tracking Kelly down and getting the money back. She starts her search with the local phone book. 

Jo is able to easily track Kelly to her parents' fancy apartment...and when Kelly answers the door and is all, "Wha-at are you doing here?!", Jo glances around at the tacky '80s furniture and expensive stereo system, says it's obvious she's not a member of any gang, and that she's going to have to pay back the $50 she intimidated Blair into handing over. When Kelly chuckles at how easy it was to extort money out of Blair, Jo snarls at her to wipe that smirk off her face and rails at her for hassling her friends. Kelly rails back that she only stole the $50 'cause she was so deeply angry about Jo calling her a smurf...and Jo says that in the future, she needs to air such grievances with her directly. Kelly's like, "Whatever" and says she no longer has the cash, so Jo threatens to hang around her fancy digs until she can scrape it together. Kelly's all, "Noooo! My parents are due home any minute!" - but Jo just glares at her with her hand outstretched. Kelly decides the jig is up, so she pulls the money out of her pants pocket and hands it to Jo...and Jo snappishly orders her to stay far away from Edna's Edibles. As she storms out of the apartment, Kelly stares sadly after her.

"Why do you hate me so much?

"Because your character is a redundant, younger version of me."

Mrs. Garrett and the gals are shocked when Jo tells them about the luxury pad Kelly lives in with her parents. A few seconds later, Kelly enters the store...and everyone shoots her the stink-eye and admonishes her for making fools out of them, however effortless it was for a tiny teenager such as herself to pull off. Jo growls that she's no longer welcome at Edna's Edibles...and when Kelly scrunches her face confusedly and goes, "Why not?", Mrs. Garrett gives her a WTF? stare and reminds her that she stole from them, spray painted graffiti on their building, blamed the vandalism on a made up gang, then bullied Blair into handing over $50. Kelly just kind of shrugs and says she likes hanging out at the store 'cause her parents are the workaholic, neglectful types who are always leaving her alone in the apartment. When Mrs. Garrett snaps that her store isn't a home for wayward girls, Kelly promises to abstain from spray painting graffiti, telling whoppers of lies...and that she'll give people a chance to realize that underneath the layers of her wise ass street talk is a misunderstood Jo-like girl with a heart of gold.

Kelly shyly tells Jo she first became aware of her when she saw her working at a motorcycle shop last year, and was impressed by how efficient she was with her tools and how tough she acted with her male counterparts. She gushingly says she really looks up to her and would like her to function as a mannish role model...and Jo gruffly pretends to mull that over before mumbling, "I guess so."    

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