The Facts of Life - Season 5, Episode 8

"I may jiggle my naughties at other women, but you're the one I want to come home to."

"I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can"
Original airdate: 11/9/1983

Episode summary: Blair is aghast when she learns that her new boyfriend is an exotic dancer.

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Recap: Tootie and Natalie plead really hard with Jo to tell them where she and Blair are taking Mrs. Garrett for her birthday. Jo snarls in her usual snarly way as she cryptically replies, "It's a place" ... then adds that their plans are a surprise, and if she tells them she's worried that they'll blab it all over town - 'cause, yep, I'm sure Peekskillers have nothing better going on in their lives than to wonder where a screechy middle-aged redheaded woman is going to be celebrating her birthday. When Tootie and Natalie continue to beg, "Pleeeeeeease tell us!", Jo throws in the towel on keeping her evening plans the world's most boring secret and reveals that she and Blair are taking Mrs. Garrett to Wedgewoods, a male strip joint. Tootie widens her eyes and opens her mouth in shock...and Jo quickly muzzles her with her hand before she can blurt anything aloud. Tootie then scrunches her face in judgey disapproval and pronounces it tacky to treat men like sex objects, while Natalie takes on a far more cavalier attitude and says she has no problem with objectifying men since it's something they've been doing to women since forever. 

When Mrs. Garrett enters the room, Natalie and Tootie give her a homemade birthday present from both of them: an apron with the caption Quiche me, you fool. Hee...that was surprisingly witty. After that, Blair and her blonde haired boyfriend Cliff arrive and sing Happy Birthday to Mrs. Garrett. Cliff then gives her a birthday card and a single rose while laying it on thick about grateful he is to her for making him so many free lunches lately...on account of he's a med student who's too broke to afford decent food. He asks the gals where Blair and Jo are taking Mrs. Garrett for her birthday, and Tootie and Natalie dissolve into giggles and tauntingly retort, "We know!" - very mature, idiots - and Blair shoots Jo the stink-eye for blabbing their secret plans. Cliff says goodnight to Blair...and Blair asks everyone to turn around so she can have privacy while giving her boyfriend a chaste peck on the cheek. Cliff coos, "Bye, Monkey" ... and once he's out of earshot, the Facts gals tease Blair about Cliff's charming nickname for her, as well as her flushed cheeks whenever she's in his presence.  

After Mrs. Garrett heads upstairs to primp for her mystery night out, [a subconsciously jealous] Jo bitchily asks Blair, "What's the catch?" and points out that Cliff is funny, smart, nice...in other words, not her type at all. Plus, he's not from a rich family and doesn't even own a car. Blair concurs and tells them that Cliff rides the bus, then gushes, "Isn't that cute?" She says that regardless of his current lack of wealth (which is likely temporary, considering he's in med school and will no doubt be a rich doctor one day) she's totes in loooove. Tootie suggests to Blair that she throw a little money Cliff's way - but Blair says she's offered and he won't take it, which, duh...that must have been a stupidly awkward conversation. Jo scrunches her face in puzzlement and says there has to be something wrong with the guy. 

"Why would you, of all people, waste time dating a man who's nice, smart, and hasn't got a penny to his name?"

"What can I say? I've evolved since Season 1."

Jo, Blair, and Mrs. Garrett arrive at Wedgewoods, where barechested hunks wearing suspenders are ambling about, seating horny ladies and taking drink orders. Mrs. Garrett looks around in wonderment at all the hunky testosterone in the room...and blushingly giggles when the buff waiter pretends he needs to see her ID (no doubt 'cause he largely works off of tips). He flirtily recommends a special drink, then returns to the table to present her with a small birthday cake.

Show time! The MC, who's decked himself out in a tuxedo, appears on stage to cheesily introduce the first exotic dancer: Fireman Freddie. The hunky "fireman" then bursts onto the stage and starts sexily gyrating in a yellow raincoat and helmet as the women hoot and holler. Next up is a pantsless cowboy...and Blair hands Mrs. Garrett a stack of dollar bills so she can enjoy slipping them inside the cowboy's g-string. He thanks her by giving her a big smooch (!) ... and Mrs. Garrett, who seems fairly hammered by this point, shriekily screeches, "Hi ho, Silver!" OMFG.

The MC goes backstage to tell the next performer, a blonde haired man who's sitting with his back to the studio audience, that things are getting wild out there. A few seconds later the man stands up to warm up for his routine...and we see that it's - gasp! - Cliff who, incidentally, looks much more impressive with his bare pecs on display than not.

After the commercial break, Mrs. Garrett continues to have a shriekingly good time. The MC introduces the next dancer - Dr. Love - and Cliff bounds onto the stage with his face partially obscured by a surgical mask. When he starts gyrating sexily and rips off his mask, Blair's face falls and she stares at him with an incredulous, WTF?! expression. Cliff sheepishly stares back at her as she runs out of the bar in disgust...then puts an abrupt end to his sexy dance and flees the stage. 

"I thought you were exclusively my Dr. Love."

"Not on Tuesdays or Thursdays."

Back at Edna's Edibles, Jo tells Blair that learning that your boyfriend is an exotic male dancer isn't the end of the world, then offers to cheer her up with a snack. Blair moans miserably with her head in her hands...and a drunk Mrs. Garrett staggers in and makes a half-hearted effort to spout comforting platitudes at Blair.  

Tootie and Natalie barrel down the stairs, eager to hear how their night at the strip joint went. Mrs. Garrett solemnly tells them they'll talk about it in the morning - but when the two stare confusedly at Blair and ask whassup with her visible distress, she springs up from the couch and blurts out, "Cliff was one of the strippers." Bwahahaha!! As Tootie and Natalie gasp in shock, a sheepish Cliff drops by to explain himself. Blair snidely asks Dr. Love if he's making a house call...and as he stares shamefully at the floor, Mrs. Garrett clears the room so that Blair can berate Cliff in private.

Cliff explains that he took the job at Wedgwoods to help pay for med school - but Blair rails about how angry she is that he didn't tell her, and nonsensically wonders aloud what would have happened if her mother's friends had been partying in Wedgewoods and recognized him?? Cliff apologizes for keeping his exotic dancing secret from her, but she derisively calls him "a hunk of meat" and asks him if he feels dirty when horny women are pawing at him. The way Mrs. Garrett was hornily cackling while stuffing dollar bills into the cowboy's g-string, for example. Cliff explains that he can earn at the club in one night what it would take over a week to earn waiting tables...and since he's a med student, he needs all the study time he can get. Blair continues to look unmoved and bitchily challenges him to go home with rich horny women 'cause he'd prolly make a lot more money gigoloing. She then walks over to the door and glares at him...and he implores her to accept his apology, but she snarls that an apology isn't good enough and that there's nothing more he can say to fix the traumatizing spectacle of seeing him shake his naughties at women for cash. Cliff wails, "I though I meant more to you!" then says he would never throw her away if she made a mistake...but when she just stares back at him stonily, he slinks out looking very sad. 

"What can I say? Horny, drunk women tip really well."

"Fair point."

Three days later, Blair is still  moping about the Cliff-stripping situation. Jo, who's being surprisingly judgey about Cliff's temporary employment choice, rails on and on about how Cliff fooled all of them - until finally Mrs. Garrett barks at her to give it a rest...and to start acting more in character after years of passing herself off as a world-weary Bronxite (Bronxian?) who's supposedly seen it all and wouldn't likely get this wigged out about a med student stripping on the side to get by. She then sternly reminds Jo that the three of them were no better behaved than the other horny women at Wedgewoods: ogling and screeching at hunky young men to take their clothes off. Blair admits that she's been softening on the issue and is confused about whether or not she wants to throw away her chance to get in on the ground floor of hooking up with a future rich doctor. Jo snaps, "You either hate him or you don't" and declares that they hate him. It's unclear to me why Jo feels that any of this is any of her business...and Mrs. Garrett must concur 'cause she tells Jo to put a sock in it and reminds her that it's Blair's relationship, and that she's going to have to decide what she can live with. Jo snarks, "I couldn't live with it" and Mrs. Garrett and Blair refrain from snapping, "No one's asking you to, you sour-tempered prick!!!" Sorry. That was me, yelling at the TV.

A few minutes later, Cliff drops by and tells Blair he's been thinking about their relationship and asks her if she's ready to talk without acting so sanctimoniously judgey. She contritely says she is...and when he holds out his hands, she puts hers inside them and gazes up at him adoringly.

And that's where this quasi very special episode abruptly ends. 

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