The Facts of Life - Season 5, Episode 24

"Turns out you're the far bigger tool in this marriage, son."

"Joint Custody"
Original airdate: 5/2/1984

Episode summary: Mrs. Garrett is alarmed when her son and daughter-in-law look like they're heading for divorce...and a subsequent division of their assets which include Edna's Edibles.

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Recap: Mrs. Garrett is bustling around Edna's Edibles, making sure everything is in perfect order for an imminent visit from her son/landlord Raymond and his fussy wife Doris. She tells the Facts gals she doesn't much care for her shrew of a daughter-in-law 'cause of how miserable she makes her son's life with her constant criticizing. A few seconds later, Raymond and Doris arrive...and Mrs. Garrett rushes over to give her son a warm hug, then air kisses Doris. Raymond glances around and says the store looks great - but Doris scrunches her face disapprovingly and says she finds the lighting to be too harsh. As Mrs. Garrett stares daggers at her, Blair interjects to politely introduce herself...and then Raymond introduces his wife to the rest of the Facts cast.

Doris remarks that since they had to come to Peekskill for her cousin's wedding, they decided to "kill two birds with one stone" and also drop by Edna's Edibles to see how everything's shaking there...and Mrs. Garrett puts her frowny face on and says she's always hated that expression, and that she's kinda disappointed that she and her store are not the primary focus of their trip. Raymond, meanwhile, notices a plate of his mother's peanut butter croissants sitting on the counter and starts scarfing them down, prompting Doris to snap, "You just ate!", then informs the Facts cast that her gluttonous pig of a husband likes to shovel food into his pie hole at an alarming rate. She shakes her head disapprovingly and mutters, "Look at him. He'll eat anything." Mrs. Garrett pats her son's stomach and points out that he's not exactly a fat person, to which Doris wryly retorts, "You don't see him with his clothes off." Mrs. Garrett shakes off that disturbing visual by quickly offering to take Raymond and Doris on a tour of the store. 

"My son is in perfectly fine shape."

"Please. You could show a movie on his bare backside."

Natalie tells Mrs. Garrett she concurs that Doris is a shrew...but Tootie just shrugs and says she thinks Doris is nice looking, and agrees that the lighting inside Edna's Edibles could be a lot better. Jo snarks that they've been doing fine without Doris' advice - just as Doris storms into the room looking visibly upset. Mrs. Garrett and Raymond rush in after her with Mrs. Garrett earnestly clarifying that she didn't call her stupid...she called her idea of freezing milk stupid. As Raymond scarfs down a few more peanut butter croissants, Doris admonishes his bingeing...and Mrs. Garrett shoots her the stink-eye and bitchily says he can start his diet on Monday. Doris is like, "Whatever" and says she's tired from the wedding and is heading back to the inn now. 

Mrs. Garrett tells Raymond she hates the way Doris constantly picks on him and wishes she wouldn't criticize him in front of her...and Raymond's like, "Right?! She acts like I'm an ogre", then breaks the news that Doris is leaving him. As Mrs. Garrett is all, "Wha-a-a-a-a-a?" at the idea of Doris being the one to call it quits, Raymond says they've tried everything they can think of to work things out, but to no avail. As he moans about how hard it's going to be for him to adjust to living alone - not least 'cause he seems highly unmarriageable for anyone who isn't Doris - Mrs. Garrett urges him to do whatever it'll take to change his wife's mind.

After Raymond leaves for the inn, the Facts gals re-enter the room and admit they were all eavesdropping just now. Jo says she thinks Raymond is way better off without the uppity ball and chain, while Tootie clucks about what a shame their impending divorce is. Blair points out that since Edna's Edibles is in both Doris' and Raymond's names, they'll likely split the asset between them, which means that Mrs. Garrett could lose her store. Jo's like, "Ack!" and urges Mrs. Garrett to find a way to coax the ill-suited couple back together so they can somehow save their shitty marriage.

Mrs. Garrett has prepared a Hawaiian luau themed party for Raymond and Doris, and explains to the Facts gals that the two once vacationed in Hawaii, and that she's hopeful the happy memories of the trip will help spark something resembling romance between them. 

When Raymond and Doris arrive, Doris is admonishing Raymond for the crappy job he did parking the car just now. Jo places a lei around Doris' neck, which prompts her to start sneezing...and when she's served a pina colada, she complains that the drink wasn't made with fresh enough pineapple juice. Raymond explains that Doris is allergic to flowers, then sourly adds that when they vacationed in Hawaii, she forgot to bring her allergy medicine - one reason the vacation sucked so badly. Doris argues that it sucked so badly 'cause he ate so much poi that he threw up...and the two start bickering until Raymond storms upstairs while Doris storms over to the store. 

Mrs. Garrett trails after her daughter-in-law while clutching a bowl of poi and says she doesn't want it to go to waste. Doris tells her she's leaving Raymond...and looks surprised when Mrs. Garrett tells her she planned the Hawaiian luau party in order to help them patch things up. Doris says she always got the feeling she never liked her...and Mrs. Garrett pretends to not have talked trash about her earlier in the episode and says she thinks she's good for Raymond, then urges her to talk to him and sort through their various issues. Doris lets out a bitter guffaw and says that Raymond doesn't so much talk as type out memos...and Mrs. Garrett stares back at her in puzzlement and agrees that that's really weird. Doris explains that the only reason they even went to Hawaii that one time was 'cause Raymond worked out a trade with a travel agency so he could avoid paying taxes...and that he's such an obnoxious, penny-pinching workaholic that the doctor has strongly advised him to get more exercise, lose a few pounds, and take some much needed time off. She puts her sad face on and says she's alone a lot...and that she has a dream of starting a children's boutique - but Raymond won't give her the green light 'cause he considers it too much of a financial risk. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face confusedly and points out that Raymond was more than willing to gamble on the success of Edna's Edibles by buying the building...and Doris wryly says when his mother is involved it's an investment, but when it's his wife, it's a financial risk. 

"I married a self-absorbed freak who issues daily memos to his own wife."

"Who raised that numskull?!"

Jo storms into the store, complaining that Raymond is being an annoying stickler about how she does the accounting for Edna's Edibles. A few seconds later, Raymond breezes into the room and chides Jo for not using the correct shade of blue ink for the books...and as Jo silently fumes, Mrs. Garrett calls him out on being a cheap dickwad of a husband who prefers to squirrel money away rather than make his wife happy by giving her the financing to open a children's boutique. Doris gets in on that action and calls him a lousy husband, and that she's been craving a real vacation. Raymond mulls that over and says he'll try to work out a trade with a travel agency so he can once again avoid paying taxes - but Doris is like, "Just pay the fucking taxes!" and says if he's serious about wanting to work on their marriage, he needs to stop issuing memos, be less of a cheap dickwad, and spend more face time with her. When Raymond points out that he's being asked to change a lot of things about his abysmal personality, Doris promises to dial back her haughty 'tude and be a lot nicer to him. With that settled, Mrs. Garrett's all, "Hurray! Now give me some grandchildren", and jokes that children are tax deductible.

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