The Facts of Life - Season 5, Episode 12

"Pretend I'm a six year old, and just go with it."

"The Christmas Show"
Original airdate: 12/21/1983

Episode summary: Blair's plan to secretly give Jo a monetary Christmas gift backfires...and their non-hetero vibe continues to simmer.

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Recap: Natalie and Tootie are decorating the Edna's Edibles Christmas tree and nattering about how excited they are to head home for the holidays - just as Mrs. Garrett emerges from the kitchen with a giant batch of fruitcakes, shrieking, "Fa la la la la...la la la la!!" Natalie tells Mrs. Garrett she feels guilty that all the Facts gals are abandoning her at Christmas, but Mrs. Garrett assures them she'll be fine, and that she's looking forward to earning some extra cash when she sells off her many fruitcakes. She tells them she hired a young man to help her out...and by young man, she means Old Man Lesseroni, the caretaker of the town's cemetery who was last seen in the Halloween Show episode. Jo bounds into the store to excitedly tell everyone she bought a silk blouse at a huge discount for her long-suffering waitress mom, and then Blair saunters in wearing a gorgeous new coat and imperiously announces that she'll be spending the holidays skiing the slopes of Vail.

Jo gets a phone call from her mom...and after she hangs up she wanders around the store looking unmistakably bummed out. When everyone's all, "Wha-at's wrong?" she breaks the news that her mom decided that idle hands are the devil's workshop, so she's heading to Miami to spend her Christmas holiday slinging hash at her friend's restaurant. Tootie looks aghast and says it's going to suck "being stuck here with Mrs. Garrett" ... and when Mrs. Garrett shoots her an excuse me? glare, she makes a half-hearted effort to back pedal. Blair tells Jo she feels bad about her ruined holiday plans, but Jo breezily insists it's no big deal and that Christmas is just another day.

"There's no gettin' around how badly it's going to suck, being trapped here for the holidays with a shrieky old redhead."

"Well $#%@ you too, Tootie."

When Jo enters the communal bedroom with a basket of laundry, Tootie announces to the gals that she's selling $1.00 raffle tickets for charity. Natalie eagerly buys a ticket...and when Blair generously offers to buy $10 worth of tickets, Jo agrees to shell out a dollar. Tootie says that the winners will be announced later today, but Jo just shrugs and says, "No one ever wins those things" and shuffles out of the room. Once she's fully out of earshot, Blair and Tootie cackle to each other about what a brilliant acting job they just pulled off. When Natalie stares at them in puzzlement and asks what in blazes they're talking about, Blair tells her there's no raffle, and that it was just a ruse to trick Jo into thinking she won the bonus prize: a plane ticket to Miami. They're also relying on Jo not twigging onto what an unbelievable coincidence it is that she won a trip to Miami one day after telling everyone it's where her mom's going to be working over the holidays.

​Mrs. Garrett shriekily complains about how badly the local Merchant's Association botched the advertisement for Edna's Edibles in their newsletter, and is worried that she's not going to be able to sell her fruitcakes. After she leaves to give the association the what-for, Tootie informs Jo that she's the winner of the faux raffle's secret bonus prize. Jo lights up and summons Mr. Lesseroni, 'cause for some reason she decided to give him her ticket. Mr. Lesseroni opens the envelop and looks super excited when he tells everyone he just won a free trip to Miami. Blair scrunches her face in a peeved-like expression and tells him he can't go 'cause the ticket wasn't supposed to be transferable...then decides the jig is up and admits that she bought the plane ticket so that Jo could spend the holidays with her mom. Jo gets irked and snaps, "Forget it. I don't need handouts" and Blair explains that she was merely trying to do something nice for the street-smart tomboy she's been secretly crushing on for years. Jo bitchily retorts, "Rich people do that for poor people" ... and when Tootie says they all felt bad that she didn't have anywhere to spend the holidays, Jo snaps at her to stay the hell out of her bidness.

"I just wanted to do something special for the woman I love."

"This sugar mama dynamic is going to take some getting used to."

Mrs. Garrett is miffed when no one seems interested in buying her fruitcakes...and Mr. Lesseroni returns to the store, dressed up as Santa, and says he also had zero luck peddling the cakes to passersby on the street. Tootie tiptoes over to Jo and tells her she doesn't want to leave for the holidays thinking she's mad at them, and Jo snappishly retorts that she hates handouts, and that Blair's answer to everything is to throw money at the problem. Natalie, meanwhile, expresses worry that her parents might not know how badly she wants a new stereo for Christmas, so Tootie advises that the best course of action would be to sit on the lap of the nearest Santa and make her Christmas wishes known to the universe. Natalie mulls that over and decides 'that sounds just crazy enough to work!', and calls over Mr. Lesseroni. Natalie perches herself on his knee, slips into a little girl's voice, and tells him she really really wants a stereo for Christmas...and the scene actually comes off looking far less creepy than it might easily have. A few seconds later, Mrs. Garrett bursts into the room to screechingly inform Natalie that a package from her parents just arrived.

Natalie runs over to the residence part of the Facts set, tears open the package, and is disappointed to find a new coat...but inside the pocket is a note telling her that her new stereo is waiting for her at home. Hurray! - and way to spoil the Christmas morning surprise, Mama Green. Jo ambles into the room to watch the Facts gals gather their stuff and head out to the train station. They each hug Jo goodbye and wish her a Merry Christmas...and Jo stares after them sadly.

By Christmas Eve, Mr. Lesseroni has resorted to selling off the fruitcakes by telling customers that the ingredients include whiskey. Heh. At closing time, he offers to buy up all the rest so he can give them as gifts to all the lonely men in the nursing home, and Mrs. Garrett gushes, "That sounds like a wonderful idea." He thanks her for hiring him to help out at the store, wishes her and Jo a Merry Christmas, then heads out to go sledding. Mrs. Garrett grins at Jo and asks her if what she thinks of having a hamburger for Christmas Eve dinner, and Jo perks up and says she definitely likes the sound of that.

"How 'bout a special Christmas Eve burger?"

"Extra pickles!"

Jo goes into the living room and puts on some Christmas music...then wanders around and stares wistfully into space. Blair slips in through the front door, quietly says hi, and tells Jo she decided that of all the places to which she could afford to travel for the holidays, she decided there was nowhere she'd rather be than in Peekskill, cuddling next to her in front of the fire...and indulging the non-hetero romantic stirrings she hasn't been able to squelch since the premiere of Season 2. Jo grins and says, "Good choice" and tells Mrs. Garrett she's going to need to put on another burger. Mrs. Garrett exclaims, "Blair!" and looks delighted to be spending Christmas with not one, but two Facts gals, and the three collapse into a happy group hug.

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