The Facts of Life - Season 5, Episode 11

"Why would you assume I'd ever want to remarry that dipshit?"

"The Second Time Around"
Original airdate: 12/14/1983

Episode summary: Jo wigs out when she has to face the reality that her parents are not getting remarried.

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Recap: Jo’s parents are hanging with Jo at Edna's Edibles...and Mrs. Garrett gushes to them about what a super awesome store employee Jo is. Jo reminds her parents that they have to leave soon for the dirt bike race she's competing in this afternoon, and Mama Polniazcek wrings her hands about how nervous she always gets whenever Jo enters these races.

Natalie comes downstairs to complain about being set up on another blind date tomorrow night, courtesy of her meddling mother. This prompts Papa Polniazcek to reminisce about how he and Mama Polniazcek met on a blind date...though not really, 'cause apparently they checked each other out at a bowling alley prior to the date and decided why not give it a shot since neither was likely to get themselves hooked up with a higher quality person. Jo looks intrigued, then grins happily at how well her parents have been getting along this episode. Mrs. Garrett suggests to Natalie that she make the blind date a double date to take the pressure off, but Natalie says she's reluctant to subject anyone to a miserable evening with this boy, known only as "Florence's son" ... then swiftly changes her mind when Tootie enters the room to announce how excited she is about getting together with her boyfriend tomorrow night. With that superfluous subplot resolved, Mrs. Garrett offers to give the Polniazceks a quick tour of her kitchen, and this gives Jo a chance to giddily express her girlish glee that her parents are finally not snapping at each other...and takes a giant leap in interpreting this to mean that they're going to get back together and live happily ever after.

"You were the prettiest girl in the bowling alley."

"And you were the loser I was most likely to throw all good sense out the window for and then settle down with."

Jo returns home with her parents with an injured arm after taking a spill during the dirt bike race. Everyone's all, "OMG! What happened?!" so she says she fell during the last leg of the race and sprained her arm. Mama Polniazcek says she's changing her plans and spending the weekend in Peekskill so she can be available to nurse Jo back to health, and Papa Polniazcek likes the sound of that idea and suggests they get a couple of rooms at the local motel so they can unwittingly lead Jo on into thinking they're seriously contemplating the idea of taking a second crack at their shitty marriage. When the two head out to get settled into the motel, Jo rips off the sling on her arm and screeches, "Yippee! I feel great!" and tells the bewildered Facts gals that while she was racing, she noticed her parents were looking cozier than usual...so she decided to fake an accident so that the trauma of caring for their injured, fully grown adult child would bring them even closer together. She happily adds that she's just going to limp around this weekend and let nature takes its course.

"Divorced TV parents always get back together when they have a sick child to fuss over."

"But that's never happened in the history of cheesy sitcoms."

The Polniazceks are back at Edna's Edibles, enjoying the pizza that Mama Polniazcek made for everyone. After dinner, Mama Polniazcek announces that she's heading back to the Bronx, then tells Jo her father's going to hang around longer 'cause he has something important he wants to talk to her about. Jo grins stupidly in anticipation.

The room quickly clears out so that Jo and Papa Polniazcek can talk privately. He stammers about how much he's changed for the better since being in the clink - and when Jo barks at him to spit out the fantastic news, he excitedly tells her he's pretty sure he's getting married again. Jo beams and goes, "Really..?" and assumes he's talking about a marriage re-do with Mama Polniazcek...until he starts talking about his new lady friend Carol, who has a son and daughter in desperate need of a father figure. Jo's smile evaporates, and she's all, "The fuck?" and snarkishly asks him how he could do this to her and Mama Polniazcek. She shriekily accuses him of walking out on them again, yells, "You haven't changed at all!", and storms up to her room. [Warning: this is the first in a long series of storming around that Jo does throughout the rest of the episode.]

"I'm thinking about starting Family 2.0."

"I do not approve of this upgrade."

Jo drops by her ma's apartment 'cause she figured the old gal would need comforting after hearing that her ex-con dipshit of an ex-husband is getting remarried. Mama Polniazcek complains she barely got any sleep last night, 'cause every time Jo hung up on Papa Polniazcek, he'd call her to commiserate. She implores Jo to talk to him, but Jo stubbornly refuses and snarks that she has nothing to say. She asks her ma if she's not devastated by this shocking news, and she's just kind of like, "Meh" ... but admits that she wishes that she had been the first of them to re-hook up with someone new. 

Papa Polniazcek arrives at the Bronx apartment, explains that Natalie blabbed about where he could find her, and says he's so distraught about Jo's reaction to his relationship with Carol that he's thinking about calling off the wedding. Jo perks up and says she likes the sound of that - but Mama Polniazcek chides her for being an obnoxious bully and tells her to grow the fuck up and accept that her father is moving on with his new gal. [OK, that last part was more my reaction to Jo's caustic cuntiness.] Jo sarcastically yells back that, next thing ya know, she's going to be asked to give him away at the wedding. She shrieks, "This is wrong!" and storms out of the apartment. Fuck she's exhausting.

Jo storms all the way back to Peekskill...and when she arrives home, Mrs. Garrett puts her most comforting face on and says she heard about what happened. Jo bitches about the lack of privacy in this household and storms up to her bedroom, finds Blair studying, and snippily bitches about how it would be nice to get the room to herself once in awhile. Blair refrains from telling her prickly roommate to go pee up a rope with her annoying temper tantrummy bullshit and instead amiably gathers up her books and offers to study elsewhere. She asks Jo if she wants to talk about whatever has sparked such an extreme bout of bitchitude this episode, and Jo snaps, "It's none of your business!" - but then proceeds to rail about how her mom is just standing by and allowing her dad to get remarried. Mrs. Garrett interrupts to tell Jo that her dad has just arrived and wants to talk to her, so Jo starts railing about how he's been gabbling on about marrying a strange woman and becoming stepfather to a couple of strange kids who need a father...then tears up and says, "Maybe they do - but why does it have to be miiiiinnnnnne?!" Blair steps in and says that since this is her area of expertise, she assures Jo that it's normal to be jealous of step-siblings and worry that there will be less love from the parent to go around. Jo bristles at the idea of her out-of-whack emotions being considered normal - just as the looming, slouchy form of Papa Polniazcek appears in the doorway.

"Maybe I can fill the love void in your life."

"One of these days I'm just going to stop fighting my non-hetero feelings and take you up on it."

Jo snaps at her father to get out - but Blair argues that it's her room too and he's welcome to stay...but then beats a hasty retreat with Mrs. Garrett. Papa Polniazcek admonishes Jo for acting like such a childish dickwad in lieu of discussing the matter like an adult. Jo snarkishly retorts that it looked like he and Mama Polniazcek were acting all close and cozy this weekend, and Papa Polniazcek concurs and says they've become friends...and that it's no small thing 'cause it took a long time for both of them to get there. When Jo urges him to give their friendship a chance to re-blossom into what would no doubt become an ill-fated remarriage, Papa Polniazcek tells her that the reasons they got divorced haven't changed. Jo tears up and says that when the three of them were hanging out this weekend it felt like they were a family again...and Papa Polniazcek firmly says that while he loves the two of them, they'll never be a family again. Jo weeps as she and her pops position themselves in the 'TV tropey' way that no one in real life ever does: she faces the camera with her face scrunched in distress, while a concerned Papa Polniazcek stands uselessly behind her.

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