Recap: As the girls set up the cafeteria for a special luncheon, Jo shakes her head in dismay and snarls, "All this fuss for some old lady." Mrs. Garrett tut tuts her and tells her that Marie Thornwell isn't just some old lady - she's the oldest living graduate of Eastland. When Natalie says how fascinating she finds this bit of trivia, Jo tells her she should interview the old lady for the school paper. I guess Jo [and the severely continuity-challenged writers] forgot that Natalie was forced to resign from the school paper two episodes ago after writing the faux abortion article...not to mention her termination from the paper two episodes prior to that for expressing her anti-book banning beliefs. Natalie tells Jo she's too busy to do the interview and reminds her that it's her assignment, and Jo grumbles about having to listen to some rich old lady gabble on about how much she's worth...and says she gets enough of that from Blair. Mrs. Garrett tells the girls that Marie is a living legend, and Jo astutely retorts that the only reason anyone at Eastland gives a hoot about this fossil is 'cause she's donating a sizeable chunk o' cash to the school.
Mr. Parker bursts into the room and reminds the girls how important it is to kiss Marie Thornwell's ass throughout her visit, then checks in with Mrs. Garrett to ensure that she made the woman's favorite strudel. A few seconds later, Marie Thornwell arrives at the school (much earlier than expected) and bitches at Mr. Parker for not being in his office. Blair pleasantly remarks to the other Facts gals that this oldest living graduate doesn't look eighty-three, and Marie overhears her and bitchily snaps, "This is what eighty-three looks like!" Mr. Parker tries to steer Marie over to a chair, but she slaps his hand away and says she's perfectly capable of walking. She then recalls her most pleasant memories of Eastland, and points to a corner of the cafeteria and dreamily says she had her first kiss - in 1918 - in that very corner. Mrs. Garrett gently corrects her and says it probably occurred in the old commons, since this cafeteria was built in the 1950s. Marie snappishly insists that the kiss happened where she just said it happened...and Mrs. Garrett agrees with her version of history, apologizes for knowing so little about Eastland, and promises to flagellate herself with a whip later.
Mr. Parker suggests to Marie that she take a nap in Mrs. Garrett's bed...and when Marie sarcastically asks if she's being sent to her room, he says he simply wants to ensure that she's comfortable. Blair politely introduces herself to the bitchy old crow and says she's probably familiar with the rich Warner family - but Marie makes a face and derisively retorts, "No. You must be new money." When Mr. Parker introduces her to the other three Facts gals, Jo blurts out, "I hear you got a lot of money" and asks her how much the school is hitting her up for...and Marie stares back at her with a mixture of horror and incredulity. Mrs. Garrett emerges from the kitchen with a tray of tea and strudel...and after a short snack time, Marie announces that she wants Jo to help her upstairs so she can take a nap.
Jo chides Marie for being so slow walking up the stairs and barks, "My gramma could do it fastuh, and she has a plastic knee!" Badoom bah. Marie gets upset and says she's not accustomed to being dealt with in so rude a manner, and Jo shrugs and says it's the only manner she's got. Marie hands her her plate with the strudel on it, but Jo declines and says, "No thank you, Marie" and Marie shoots her the stink-eye and haughtily says, "Feel free to call me Marie." Jo explains that she finds it too stuffy to use Mr. or Mrs., then asks if she can interview her for the school paper. Marie likes that idea and launches into an over-the-top description of herself when she was a dainty lass of fourteen years. When Jo interrupts her to brusquely remind her that she's supposed to be asking the questions, Marie barks, "Just take notes!" and resumes talking. She gabbles about how wonderful Eastland was in 1918, and that the student body was filled with debutantes and socialites. Jo needlessly chirps, "I'm from the Bronx" and Marie frowns with disdain and asks her what in the hell she's doing here. Jo says she's on a full scholarship, and Marie mocks her attempt to climb out of poverty like the pull yourself up by your bootstraps types she routinely looks down upon. Jo snarks, "Do you have anything against poverty?" and Marie says she doesn't mind it in its proper place. She says, in her day, Eastland did not play host to girls in her "position"...and Jo glares at her and is about to berate her for her cunty snobbery when Mr. Parker suddenly bursts into the room. He says he just popped by the make sure that the nap was going OK, then quickly hustles Jo out of the room before she gets any more tempted to smack the old bird.
At the luncheon, Mr. Parker is publicly thanking Marie for her charitable donation when she suddenly interrupts him and says she's changed her mind. Instead of giving Eastland a donation, she's going to leave her entire fortune to Jo from the Bronx. Jo's all, "Wha-a?" and Mrs. Garrett, Tootie, and Natalie woot happily while Blair stares disbelievingly into space.
In the aftermath of Jo being declared Marie Thornwell's sole beneficiary, she's taken to all the fanciest restaurants in the city, along with various other places the rich and aimless tend to congregate. As the Facts gals discuss their friend's sudden good fortune, Jo enters the cafeteria decked out in what can only be described as a frumpy Victorian tea party dress that's about three sizes too big...and she's "accessorized" it with white pantyhose and black Mary Janes. OMFG. Blair deadpans, "Are you looking for the Easter parade?" - bwahahaha! - and Tootie jokingly says she's never seen her in such a lovely get-up. Jo mumbles, "Marie likes it" and says they're dining at Pierre's later, then stopping by a music store to buy her a harp 'cause Marie wants her to take up the instrument. Jo makes it clear that she's only putting up with this humiliating onslaught so she can gift her mother some much needed cash...and will also consider spreading the wealth to her friends. Tootie and Natalie like the sound of that and do their best to suck up.
Blair gleefully announces that she recently spoke to her mother's stockbroker and learned that the Warners are richer than Marie Thornwell. Jo announces that she's going to Marie's place for dinner, then says that since the motorcycle makes the old lady antsy she'll be taking the bus. Tootie frowns disapprovingly and wails, "What's happening to you?" just as Marie arrives unexpectedly. She gives Jo's camouflage jacket and loose-fitting t-shirt and pants a disdainful once-over and says she doesn't like the outfit one bit. She hands her a bag and orders her to change into the uniform of the Ladies of the Colonies club - and Jo laughs and calls it "a snooty club" whose members wear funny looking beanies. She tells Marie she most definitely doesn't belong there, but Marie refers to it as her club and insists that Jo join...and Jo remembers the kind of cash that's at stake and agrees that it's a fantastic idea.
Tootie strenuously objects to Jo joining the snooty club, and lectures her about integrity as though any of this is her business. When Jo confronts Marie and tries to stammer her displeasure at being ordered to join a stuffy girls' club, Marie abruptly announces that she has one more surprise up her sleeve: she wants Jo to move in with her...and has already arranged for a moving company to collect her things. Jo looks horrified at the prospect of living under the same roof as this pushy monster and says she likes living at Eastland and that all of her friends are here. Marie says she can see them during the day, then sternly reminds her that she has much to do to prepare herself for her new life as her human pet.
Tootie chides Jo for having no backbone, and Jo snarks back that she's only selling her soul so she can help her mom.
Mr. Parker enters the cafeteria to inform everyone that he just spoke to Marie's lawyer and learned that she has a habit of regularly changing her will. Apparently she enjoys making impromptu announcements about an unwitting beneficiary, then changes her mind once that person has displeased her. Jo is livid that the old woman dangled her fortune in front of her when it's clear she had no intention of keeping her word. Mrs. Garrett reminds her that no one twisted her arm to go along with this insanity...but then concedes that Marie is a pretty fucked up individual who uses her vast wealth to get love and attention.
Armed with this inside information, Jo strides over to the lounge and tells Marie she's refusing to try on the Ladies of the Colonies uniform and won't be moving in with her. Marie curtly says, "I see" then says she has no choice but to cut her out of her will. Jo says, "I figured" and Marie gets up, says goodbye, and starts shuffling toward the exit. Jo asks her why she's rushing off, and Marie looks at her in surprise and repeats that she's cutting her out of her will. Jo tells her that that doesn't mean they can't hang out anymore [even though the sole reason she was tolerating her shit was the promise of cash], then says she totally digs her pushy stubbornness. Marie perks up at that and invites Jo to come over on Saturday night and watch Lawrence Welk with her, and Jo pretends that that sounds like a super awesome way to spend part of her weekend. She agrees to indulge the old lady by wearing the Ladies of the Colonies beanie, and a delighted Marie says, "See you Saturday!" and gives Jo a quick hug.