The Facts of Life - Season 4, Episode 18

"I really don't think you're nun material."

"The Best Sister: Part 2"
Original airdate: 2/23/1983

Episode summary: Jo rethinks becoming a nun after she punches Blair in the face.

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Recap: Jo proudly shows off the piece of pottery she just finished laboring over "with the Good Lord's help" and says she'd like to give it to her mom...and a few seconds later, Tootie gets too near to the thing and clumsily drops it onto the floor, where it shatters into pieces. Jo does her best to refrain from freaking out, while Tootie asks her if she's not going to yell or stomp on her face...and then Natalie interjects and says to Jo, "About this nun business.." and tells her that her decision to follow in the footsteps of Blair's step-sister [aka her friend of three days] and become a nun seems to have come from out of the blue, not to mention it being completely out of character for her. Jo's like, "Not really" and says she used to go to church all the time when she was a kid. A few seconds later, Jo's boyfriend Jason wanders into the cafeteria to report to Jo that he didn't actually have mumps - as was reported in the previous episode - but rather, swollen glands. He apologizes for ruining their college weekend together and hopes she's not mad at him for surprising her by showing up at Eastland without warning. Natalie wryly jokes, "Jo can definitely top that surprise!" - but Jason just ignores that quip and invites Jo out for pizza, then suggests they take his motorbike so she can cling to him real tight from behind. Jo prudishly replies, "No can do" and says she can't do things like that anymore 'cause - surprise! - she's decided, pretty much overnight, to become a nun. Jason stares at her in bewilderment, sheepishly asks, "Was it something I said?"  then decides it's probably best for him to head back to his Yale dorm room and never be heard from again. Natalie asks Jo how she'll cope with never being able to date boys (or dig beneath the undercurrents of her non-hetero attraction to Blair), and Jo says she spoke to the nuns at the retreat about the issue of romance, and they assured her that they have special courses on how to suppress carnal desire. Tootie asks her if she really truly absolutely doesn't ever want to have children, and Jo smiles serenely and says, "You will all be my children." Natalie says that no way is she going to be able to pull off being a nun, given her crusty disposition and the volatile temperament that's been on display in pretty much every episode since her dramatic Season 2 arrival. 

"This whole nun thing is just so completely out of character for you, Jo."

"The writers took a brief detour into implausibility. It happens a lot on sitcoms once they've started running their course."

Blair enters the cafeteria just as Meg and Mrs. Garrett return from tying up some loose ends for Meg in downtown Peekskill. Turns out she donated her car to the convent so the sisters could raffle it off during one of their fundraisers. Jo happily tells Meg that she's decided she too wants to become a nun, and Meg makes an oh dear face and says she should probably spend a few minutes of her time trying to talk her out of that life choice. Jo gabbles on and on about how the retreat was such a revelation and that it's changed her life, but Meg's like, "Whoa, dude" and tells her that devoting one's life to the church shouldn't be a snap decision. Blair snarkishly accuses Meg of being the convent recruiter and ruining hers and Jo's life, but Meg denies trying to recruit anyone and says she simply wants more out of life than charge accounts and country clubs. Blair rails about how she hasn't been home to see her parents in over a year, so Meg explains that last time she was home they locked her in her bedroom so she couldn't return to the convent. Holy fucking crap! Blair doesn't seem at all horrified by the thought of an adult being held captive by her own parents and snarks that she's been brainwashed...and Jo comes to Meg's defence and snappishly tells Blair that there's nothing wrong with a person devoting their life to God. Blair rails about how tired she is of hearing about God, then gets all in Jo's face and yells, "Prove he exists!" Jo gets all in her face and yells at her to shut up...and then Blair screeches, "If there is a God, give me a sign! Show me!" and Jo responds by punching her in the face. Which I can only assume will put to rest the ridiculous notion that Jo could ever be considered suitable nun material.

"Give me a sign that your God is real!"

"How 'bout I give you a fist instead?"

Mrs. Garrett gets an ice pack for Blair's jaw while Tootie gigglingly recounts the brazen way Jo just popped her one. Mrs. Garrett sternly says it was an inexcusable act of violence and snaps at Tootie to stop fucking laughing about it. Blair says she's worried about getting a bruise on her face, then grumbles about the way Meg has been influencing her lesbian crush. Mrs. Garrett tells her she seems disproportionately angry about Meg joining a convent and asks her why she's been reacting like such a crazy person...so Blair says she's tired of all the "God talk" that's been thrown around during this implausible two-parter, claims he only exists for the gullible, then dramatically declares, "God is dead!" When Mrs. Garrett is all, "Wha-a?!", Blair explains that God disappointed her the day her parents' divorce became final. Mrs. Garrett's all, "Ahhhh...I finally understand" and coos about how much the divorce devastated her...then points out that the experience has given her the empathy to be the go-to person for other Eastland girls who have family problems they need to talk through. Blair says that's not enough of a reason to suffer heartbreak, and Mrs. Garrett tells her it's also not enough of a reason to take her anger out on Meg. Blair wails, "What kind of liiiiife can she have??" and Mrs. Garrett sternly says, "Her life" and tells Blair that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn't take kindly to people telling her what to do. Blair stares contemplatively into space as she chews on that nugget.

Jo tells Tootie, Natalie, and Meg that she's pretty sure God will forgive her for clocking Blair...and Natalie retorts, "Blair won't" and reminds her that the writers are still forcing the four of them to be roommates in that awful attic room above the cafeteria. Jo says she needs to get some air to mull over punch-gate and leaves the room just as Blair comes back downstairs. She acknowledges to Meg how judgemental she's been about her decision to become a nun, but then in the next breath tells her she took it upon herself to phone her (Meg's) parents to report that she's currently at Eastland...and so they'll probably be arriving any minute now. Meg just shrugs unconcernedly and says she's A-OK talking to the dickwads 'cause she's been praying to God to give her the strength to deal with the cunty way in which they've been reacting to her desire to join the convent. Blair bewilderedly says that she doesn't believe that praying serves any purpose, so Meg explains, "You hope for what you want, you pray to God to do what's best" ... and at this point Blair decides to throw in the towel on her faux outrage and says she's tired of constantly being angry with her. Meg agrees that the relentless sniping has been exhausting - just as Jo enters the room. She stares solemnly at Blair and says, "I hit you", but that she talked it over with God and the two of them decided that since he gave her fists, it was his will that she slug her in the face. Bwahahaha! A horrified Meg cries, "Wha-at?!" and admonishes Jo for using God to justify her shitty behavior. She then explains to Jo that her calling to the church was "more of a hunch than a lightning bolt", and that she's planning to seriously question her decision over the next several years 'cause, yep, she does still have doubts about it from time to time. She tells Jo it's not necessary (or even advisable) to join a convent to prove her love for God, and points out that a person can have a regular type life and still be deeply religious. Blair perks up at that and asks her, by that logic, why she can't just be a teacher who's deeply religious? ... but Meg says that being a nun is the only thing that brings sense and meaning to her life. Blair says she'll try her best to understand that, then concedes that she really just wants her to be happy.

"God commanded me to punch you."

"That's a pretty dicked up thing for a nun wannabe to say."

Blair invites Meg to stay for dinner, and after Meg ambles off to wash up, Blair is left alone with her attacker. Jo apologizes for striking her, and Blair assures her she's fine but not a masochist...so getting a fist in the face was most definitely not a turn-on, despite how secretly attracted she is to her street-smart swagger. Jo promises to never hit her again, then says it's going to be tough when Meg leaves 'cause she's afraid of losing all the fuzzy feelings for the church she developed so suddenly over the past two episodes. Blair solemnly replies, "They won't" ... and that is where this pointless, two-part episode abruptly ends. 

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