The Facts of Life - Season 4, Episode 16

"How dare you sass my drunkard of a brother in front of his passed out friends!"

"Let's Party"
Original airdate: 2/9/1983

Episode summary: Tootie's brother comes to town, and it soon becomes clear that he's an out-of-control boozer who routinely gets behind the wheel after a few too many drinks.

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Recap: Tootie and Natalie are awaiting the arrival of Tootie's brother, Marshall. Tootie gabbles on and on about how super awesome he is and says she's proudly wearing the purple sweater he once gave her as a present. She gushes about how honored she is that he's taking time out of his ski weekend to spend time with her, then decides she also needs to put on the hat and scarf he gave her and rushes upstairs to fetch the items. All of this obnoxious wanking over Saint Marshall can only mean that he has a serious malfunction that Tootie will have no choice but to come to grips with.   

Jo and Mrs. Garrett enter the room, excited about the Chinese cabbage Jo planted, watered, and dug up from the solar greenhouse. Jo is fascinated by the idea of planting a seed and watching something grow out of it, but Blair just rolls her eyes and pokes fun at her enthusiasm. Natalie, who's been stationed near the window, screeches, "Marshall's here!" and Tootie races past her wearing a turquoise hat and scarf. When Marshall enters the room, Tootie, the gals, and Mrs. Garrett gush over him like he's a returning war hero, going so far as to refer to him as "Marshall the Magnificent". When his roommate Paul enters the room, Blair perks up, then bats her eyes and flirtily says, "Why, helloooo" and introduces herself...and the two look instantly smitten with each other. When Tootie invites Marshall to stay for dinner, he tells her that he and Paul have plans...and by plans, he means they've invited a few friends to stop by the motel he and Paul are staying at to sit around and drink themselves silly. He invites Tootie to the drunkfest, and she lights up and squeals, "Yippee!" and happily remarks on how it's the first time he's ever shown the slightest interest in having her attend one of his parties. He grins and says, "Why not? You're all grown up now" and invites the other Facts gals to tag along as well.

"Would you like to come to my motel room and watch me and my buddies get sloshed?"

"Would I ever!"

Motel party time! Blair and Paul chat about their rich families, and Blair is impressed to learn that Paul's dad owns a cable company, which Paul hopes to run one day. Natalie, meanwhile, is chatting it up with a journalism major named George, who pompously tells her she's going to have to be willing to stretch her mind if she even hopes to one day study journalism. When the gals hear the sound of Jo's motorbike in the parking lot, Marshall suggests they play "kamikaze quiz", then explains that it's a drinking game for when an unsuspecting new person enters the room: every time the person asks a question, everyone chugs from their beer (or soda, in the case of the underage gals)...and any time the person asks why? everyone has to chug their entire can. Sounds like a laugh a minute. Sure enough, when Jo enters the room and asks what kind of pizza they ordered, everyone chuckles and takes a drink (without actually answering). Her questions/their drinking goes on for several tedious minutes until Tootie finally explains to a bewildered Jo what in blazes is going on.

Hours later, Marshall, Paul, and George are visibily inebriated, and the Facts gals (minus Jo, who was smart enough to high-tail it out of there on her motorbike) continue to hang around, and they now look bored. Marshall says there's another [drinking] party he wants to go to and offers to drag Tootie and her friends along, but she tells him she promised Mrs. Garrett they'd be home at 10pm. Marshall's like, "Aw come on!" but then offers to give them a lift home, which prompts Blair and Natalie to exchange worried glances. Blair urges Marshall to hand over the keys and jokes that she's always wanted to know what it was like to cruise around in a station wagon - but he snappishly retorts that he's taken psychology courses in college and knows she's only saying that 'cause she thinks he's "a little too bombed to drive" ... and Natalie rolls her eyes and is all, "Well d'yuh." Marshall denies being, in any way, drunk and assures the girls that he's responsible enough to know how much alcohol he can handle. Tootie enables this madness and chirps, "Of course you are" then chides Natalie for embarrassing her brother in front of his passed out friends. She asks Marshall to go start the car and says that she and her friends will be right out...and he's like, "Okay dokay", chugs the rest of his beer, and stumbles out to the parking lot - LOL - and the spectacle of his brazen drunkenness still doesn't appear to ring any alarm bells for Tootie. A distressed Blair moans about how much she regrets not leaving with Jo when she had the chance, and Tootie asks why Jo was in such a hurry to leave. Natalie snaps, "'Cause she's smart!" and Tootie nonsensically retorts that Jo just doesn't know how to have a good time...as if sitting around a motel room and watching her stupid brother and his dickwad friends guzzle beer all evening could be anyone's idea of fun.

When Marshall impatiently honks his horn from the parking lot, Natalie suggests to Blair that they walk back to Eastland...and Tootie accuses her of ruining her visit with Marshall, then whines, "You're supposed to be my friends!" Natalie points out how unfair of her it is to expect them to get into a car with a visibly drunk driver - but Tootie insists that he knows when he's had too much to drive. As Marshall continues to honk the horn (and the other motel guests refrain from yelling at him to stop fucking doing that or they'll shove that horn up his ass), Tootie asks her friends if they're coming, and Blair and Natalie throw all caution and good sense to the wind and agree to let Tootie's drunkard brother ferry them home.

"If you're truly my BFF, you'll agree to be driven home by my inebriated brother."

"You do know there are two other Facts gals I could instantly replace you with as my BFF."

Jo's on the phone with George, who informs her that Marshall left the motel with the Facts gals more than an hour ago. When Mrs. Garrett enters the room and asks whassup, Jo keeps mum about her concerns and tells her that the rest of the gang should be home any minute.

A few minutes later, Blair, Natalie, and Tootie enter the cafeteria looking traumatized. Tootie tells Mrs. Garrett that Marshall had car trouble so they ended up walking home...and a suspicious Jo sends Mrs. Garrett off to the kitchen to make some hot chocolate so she can find out what really happened. She asks them if they got into an accident - and Tootie starts to say no, but Jo doesn't buy it and snarks at her to 'fess up. Blair interjects to blab about how Marshall ran a red light and hit a tree...and Natalie trembles piteously and asks no one in particular why her legs won't stop shaking.

Marshall enters the cafeteria with a bloodied bandage on his forehead. He reports that he finally got the fender pried away from the tires, then scrunches his face confusedly and says he can't figure how it happened. Tootie breezily says it was just an accident and not his fault...but Natalie finally shuts down the idiot enabler and wails, "It was no accident, it was five beers!" Jo snarls at Tootie that things could have turned out far worse, and Tootie sullenly tells her it's over now. Blair warily asks, "Is it?" and points out that Marshall is about to drive himself to party #2. Marshall says he has no plans to continue boozing, and that he's just going to drive himself very slowly back to the motel...while still under the influence, no doubt, since no way have all those beers worked themselves out of his system yet. When Mrs. Garrett emerges from the kitchen with a tray of hot chocolates, she notices Marshall's bandaged forehead and shoots him a suspicious stink-eye...and he sheepishly bids Tootie goodnight and slinks out before he's forced to come under her scrutiny.

Once everyone has cleared the room, Mrs. Garrett asks Tootie what really happened, then says it's pretty obvious that Marshall just had a drinking/driving related accident. Tootie admits that her brother did have a few beers, but continues to remain in denial that he was actually drunk. Mrs. Garrett refuses to buy that load of bullcack 'cause she has an ex-husband who was often "not drunk" after spending the evening drinking endless amounts of beer and then acting like an assclown. She sternly tells Tootie that her douchewad of a brother had no right to take chances with their lives or the lives of the other drivers on the road...and when Tootie still refuses to face reality, Mrs. Garrett points out that since the car her boozing brother has been driving belongs to Mama and Papa Ramsey, they deserve to know the truth about the "accident". Tootie looks alarmed and says if they find out, they'll probably take it away, which would leave Marshall wheel-less for his spring break vacay. Egads! Mrs. Garrett wryly says it probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to not have that guy on the road during spring break, then points out that that by alerting her parents about Marshall's nonchalant attitude about getting behind the wheel after a night of beer guzzling, she could be saving his life. Tootie stares contemplatively into space as she chews on that morsel of wisdom.

Tootie drops by the motel to give Marshall the what-for for driving while drunk. She tells him she's going to tell their parents what happened during this episode, and he's all, "Wha-a? Are you kidding?" and says that their dad will totally freak. Tootie argues that he'll be tough but fair and now thinks it's wrong to not tell him. Marshall mumbles, "It's not that simple" then hangs his head in shame and confesses that a few months ago he was charged with a DUI and really doesn't want a lecture from his father about it...even though clearly the message that he shouldn't drive after he's been drinking hasn't penetrated its way through his thick skull. Paul breezes into the motel room with a six-pack of beer, and Tootie's all, "Wha-a?" and correctly guesses that he and Marshall actually did attend party #2 last night and got themselves drunk all over again. When Marshall weakly insists that beer doesn't make him drunk, Tootie shrieks, "You could have killed us!" and accuses him of acting like a macho jerk who drunkenly lost control of the vehicle. Marshall sheepishly assures her he wouldn't do anything to hurt her, then asks her what she wants him to do. She orders him to call their parents and confess his crimes...and that if he refuses to do it she will, 'cause she doesn't want the burden of being the only one in their family who's worrying about his drinking/driving problem.

"If I tell dad about last night's accident, he'll eventually figure out that I've established a destructive pattern of drinking and driving."

"It's a risk you'll have to take."

Marshall pissily refuses to call his parents, then grabs his bags and heads for the door. A defiant Tootie picks up the phone and makes a collect call to her father...and Marshall puts his bags down, turns around to shoot her a somber look, then decides, "Yep. I'd better face the music about my drinking and driving before the end credits start rolling." He walks over to Tootie, takes the phone from her, and the two hug as he prepares to open up a UGE can of whoop-ass to his father.

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