The Facts of Life - Season 4, Episode 14

"We'll do our best to keep the stress of being a surrogate mother to four teenagers to a minimum this episode."

"Under Pressure"
Original airdate: 1/19/1983

Episode summary: When the Facts gals learn that Mrs. Garrett suffers from high blood pressure, they try to shield her from any and all stress...which ends up stressing her out more than she'd otherwise be.

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Recap: Mrs. Garrett tells the girls she just had her yearly physical, and that she's in good health except for her chronically high blood pressure. In other words, she's a ticking time-bomb. She says that clogged arteries run in her family, but that hopefully she'll be OK as long as she takes her medication and avoids an excessive amount of aggravation. Speaking of aggravation, she grumbles about how stupid Mr. Parker always makes her plan his wife's birthday party around this time of year, and that he always asks her at the last minute [and for some reason she doesn't have the spine to just tell him to plan the dumb thing himself]. Blair asks her if it's really part of her job description to plan birthday parties for the idiot headmaster's wife, and she snarks, "Since when does that matter?" then huffily retreats upstairs. Tootie remarks to the girls that Mr. Parker has no right to impose on their beloved Mrs. Garrett in such a dickish manner, and Natalie concurs and says she's concerned about her blood pressure problems 'cause often there are no symptoms for this silent killer. She suggests they all do their part to make Mrs. Garrett's life as stress-free as possible, and the other three gals solemnly bob their heads in agreement.

Mrs. Garrett is in her room, going through her monthly bills when the gals bring her a snack, flowers, and a Hawaii poster. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion and goes, "What gives?" so they tell her it's their best attempt to keep her happy and relaxed so she doesn't suddenly keel over from a stroke or heart attack. Mrs. Garrett says she has no time for relaxation 'cause she's too busy trying to sort out her monthly bills. A few seconds later, she starts screeching incoherently, then explains that she just came across a notice from the bank telling her she's delinquent on her car payment. And instead of making a mental note to get to the bank at her earliest convenience and sort out the matter like a reasonable adult might, she gets herself worked up so she's at high panic level and shrieks, "What am I going to doooooooo?!" Blair gives her a hard face smack (sorry, that was me projecting) and offers to take care of the bank problem for her, and Mrs. Garrett agrees 'cause it'll free her up to concentrate on how best to tell pushy Mr. Parker to go pee up a rope if he asks her for the umpteenth time to plan his wife's birthday party. Jo urges her to go for a walk, smell the roses, and think happy thoughts...and she gently chides them for spouting bumper sticker slogans.  

"Oh my GODDDDDDD!! I just got a notice about a delinquent car payment from the bank!!"

"Allow me to make the problem far worse."

Mr. Parker enters the kitchen and asks Tootie and Natalie if they've seen Mrs. Garrett - and Natalie says she has, then comes right out and asks him if he's planning to dump the planning of his wife's birthday party on her again. He's like, "Uh, yeah. How'd you know?" so Natalie cheekily asks him if he never feels left out from all the party planning, as if he had no part of it (hee!)...and he says no and explains that he's such a self-serving dickwad that he always takes full credit for it. Natalie sits him down and tells him he should probably be doing his own party planning, and Tootie concurs and points out that it would probably mean more to his wife if he (and not a hapless Eastland employee) was the one behind the planning. Mr. Parker mulls that over, decides that - yep - he should probably plan his own wife's birthday party, and rethink the need for this woman to have an elaborate birthday party thrown for her every year.

"Only a shady dickwad would let his employee plan his wife's birthday party and then take full credit for it."

"You raise a fair point."

With that mission accomplished, Natalie and Tootie scamper off, and Mrs. Garrett enters the room and says a tentative hello to Mr. Parker. He says, "It's that time of year again", but quickly adds that he's going to take care all the party planning for his wife's birthday, then ambles off to figure out where in blazes the nearest party supply store is located. A put out looking Mrs. Garrett is all, "Wha-a?" ...and when Jo enters the room a few seconds later, she complains about how Mr. Parker dropped her "like a hot potato", declares that she's going to get to the bottom of it, then stomps off. It remains unclear why she didn't just breathe a sigh of relief about no longer being on the hook for Mrs. Parker's party planning and then go about the rest of her day. Blair enters the cafeteria looking shell-shocked...and when Jo asks her whassup, she tells her that she drove Mrs. Garrett's car to the bank to get the monthly payment problem sorted out...but when she came back out of the bank, the car was gone! Jo's like, "Ack!" and the two wring their hands about what this kind of stress will do to Mrs. Garrett's already high blood pressure. 

Blair sheepishly admits that she may have left the car keys dangling in the car door before going into the bank, but adds that she immediately called the police to report the vehicle stolen. Mrs. Garrett breezes into the room and asks Blair how things went at the bank, and she fibs and exclaims, "Terrific!" Mrs. Garrett looks relieved and asks Blair to leave the car keys in her room 'cause she has to go into town later to bring her electric typewriter to the repair shop. Jo looks alarmed and offers to fix the typewriter, and Mrs. Garrett beams and gushes about how helpful they are. After she exits the room, Jo sheepishly tells Blair she knows nothing about fixing typewriters, and Blair says she just hopes the police find the stolen car asap. Tootie and Natalie enter the room and proudly inform Jo and Blair that they were the ones behind guilting Mr. Parker into planning his wife's birthday party this year, and Jo tells them that Mrs. Garrett is annoyed by getting shut out of the party planning and is determined to spend however much time and energy it's going to take to get to the bottom of it.

Mrs. Garrett asks Jo if she's seen Blair and/or her car keys, and Jo tells her the first lie that pops into her head, which is that - surprise! - Blair suddenly decided that her car needed a paint job. Mrs. Garrett mulls over that implausible explanation and says she hopes Blair told the painters that blue is her favorite color. A few seconds later, she runs into Blair in the cafeteria, and Blair decides to come clean and 'fesses up about her car getting stolen. Mrs. Garrett nods and pretends to play along with the non-existent surprise...and when Blair tells her that the car got stolen after she went inside the bank, she breezily tells her there are more important things in life - like one's health, for example - and scampers off shriek-singing.

Mrs. Garrett is setting up the cafeteria tables for dinner when a police officer enters and asks her if she knows who reported a stolen car. Mrs. Garrett goes, "Not me" ... but when the cop describes the make and model of the car, she assumes it had been stolen from the paint shop. The cop looks confused and tells her it was stolen downtown, in front of the bank, and that the theft was reported by a Miss Blair Warner. Mrs. Garrett mumbles that she didn't believe Blair's theft tale, then asks the cop if the car is still the same ghastly shade of yellow. He's like, "Uh, yeah..?" and tells her that the thief ripped off her car radio.  

"We found your stolen car, and yes it's still yellow."

"Is there any chance the police could slap some blue paint on it before it gets returned to me?"

Mrs. Garrett asks Blair why she didn't tell her the truth about her car, and Blair points out that she did...er, eventually. Mrs. Garrett starts shrieking about how the cops found her car - minus the radio - and that she expects honesty and maturity from her girls. An alarmed Tootie reminds her about her high blood pressure and urges her to chillax, and Mrs. Garrett stops her shrieking, looks sheepish, and goes, "Oooh.." and says she's sorry she ever burdened them with her health problems. Natalie and Tootie 'fess up about telling Mr. Parker to back off with his incessant requests to plan his stupid wife's birthday party, and Mrs. Garrett says she worried he had cut her off 'cause she'd done something wrong. She then says that stress can't be completely eliminated from her life, but that she'll have to find a healthier way to cope...which hopefully will longer include shrieking uncontrollably every fucking time a problem arises. The girls concur, and then Jo proudly tells her she fixed her typewriter...but as soon as she plugs it in, all the lights go out. And they all stand mutely in the darkness until someone finally prompts the confused studio audience to applaud so that the end credits can begin rolling.

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