The Facts of Life - Season 4, Episode 13

"I enjoy smooching Chad, but cuddling with Jo under the same blanket feels really right too."

"Magnificent Obsession"
Original airdate: 1/12/1983

Episode summary: The Facts gals are appalled when Blair gets dissed by her shitty boyfriend.

---

Recap: The Facts gals are bustling around the cafeteria set, working on a Save the Seals campaign for Blair's latest squeeze, a manipulative douchebag named Chad. He arrives at Eastland a few seconds later, gives Blair a smooch that drives the studio audience to excitedly ooooh and ahhh as if they've never seen a fake French kiss before, and thanks the gals for all their help with his Save the Seals paraphernalia. The girls joke that Blair didn't give them much of a choice 'cause she foisted the work upon them, and Blair smilingly credits Chad's philanthropic sensibilities for helping her find her social conscience, and now realizes that rich people don't have to sit idle their entire lives. She gabbles about how Chad's family is deep into politics - and Mrs. Garrett gets a case of momentary turrets when she reminds everyone that Chad's cousin ran for governor, and that his campaign was going smoothly until he was caught with...then abruptly stops talking. I'm guessing it was something along the lines of he was found boning a cheap floozy in a seedy motel. She then makes a dramatic oops face, which…smooth, Edna. Chad looks irked at being publicly reminded of his boorish cousin, quietly recombobulates his brain for a few seconds, and admits that, yep, the tawdry scandal did make it to the front page of the New York Times. Blair tries to squelch the awkwardness by pronouncing that politics is definitely in Chad's future, as is evidenced by him being on the student council at Vassar College. Chad condescendingly calls her adorable for shifting the attention away from his family's scandal, then schmaltzily tells her she looks lovely. As she beams at the compliment, he studies her choice of clothing and asks her if the yellow blouse she's wearing wasn't available in blue...and she looks crestfallen for a few seconds, but then agrees that yellow is definitely not her colour. As Mrs. Garrett grimaces with distaste at the shitty turn the conversation has just taken, Chad remarks on how the putrid yellowness of her blouse "stands out like a wort" 'cause everything else is so perfect. Blair somehow feels buoyed enough by the backhandedness of that compliment to tell Chad about the Save the Streams fundraiser she's planning to attend at the Peekskill Country Club next week and invites him to escort her. He tells her he can't possibly commit to anything that far in advance and gives her a maybe, and Blair profusely thanks him for not giving her an outright no. Chad thanks the girls again for helping out with the Save the Seals rally and exits the cafeteria...and once he's out of earshot, the girls and Mrs. Garrett admonish Blair for acting like such a pathetic doormat and being so ridiculously grateful about the maybe. Blair explains that she was afraid to even ask him to attend the fundraiser and considers herself damn lucky he didn't just blurt out fuck no. The gals are all, "Wha-a-a-at the hell has happened to you?" and Blair stares dreamily into space and replies, "Dunno. Maybe I'm in love for the first time." Mmm...doubtful.

"OMG! Wasn't your politician cousin the one who was caught red handed doinking a hooker in a motel that charges by the hour?"

"Shut up forever, Edna."

Tootie and Natalie are playing chess while Blair anxiously paces the room. Jo snarls that surely she has something better to do than wait around for Chad to call, but Blair just stares back at her blankly and goes, "Like what?" Oh boy. The girls point out that all she ever does these days is fixate on her fucktard of a boyfriend...and when Blair gets all defensive and says he's very important to her, Natalie barks, "He's your whole life!" The pay phone in the lounge rings, so Blair sprints across the room to answer it...and a dismayed Tootie shakes her head and says that Blair hasn't seemed like herself at all this episode. Natalie concurs and says she's gone so far as to throw away all of her yellow clothes, and is even refusing to eat bananas. Jo grumbles that this madness can't possibly last much longer - just as Blair excitedly runs back into the room to announce that Chad has changed his maybe about the Save the Streams fundraiser to a solid yes! Squeal!!! She says she can finally breathe again, which prompts a lot of concerned, judgey looks in her direction.​

Blair is wearing a pretty blue party dress and sitting in a catatonic state in the cafeteria as she waits for Chad to pick her up. He arrives a few seconds later decked out in a fancy three-piece suit and gives Blair another exaggeratedly fake French kiss. He compliments her blonde locks...but once again pulls a compliment reversal by asking her if she's ever considered cutting off all her hair. As Blair stares at him in bewilderment, he smarmily says he's sure that her lovely face could pull off a super short pixie 'do...then shrugs and adds, "If I'm wrong, it'll grow back." That it will, Chad. That it will. Now go home and buzz off your lustrous '80s hair and decide how much you like it when a snide recapper fucks with your head by making unsolicited suggestions about how you need to dramatically change your look.

"You'd look so much better with a really short 'do."

"Consider my trademark blonde locks shorn!"

Mrs. Garrett, Tootie, Jo, and Natalie are hanging in the lounge, working on a puzzle when a shell-shocked Blair returns home early from the Save the Streams fundraiser. She tells them that upon arriving at the country club, she introduced Chad to her snooty rich friends…and not long after that, he started chatting it up with another girl and left the club with her. Like, left the club with her (!), which meant that poor Blair had to take a cab home. Mrs. Garrett angrily calls that "just plain rude" and reminds Blair that there are way better fish in the sea than this manipulative fuckbag - but Blair's all, "Nooooo! I only want Chad!" and insists that what happened tonight doesn't matter as long as he calls her tomorrow...which is a pretty dicked-up pronouncement to make, even for an infatuated schoolgirl. As Mrs. Garrett and the gals stare at her in horrified bewilderment, Blair moans, "I'll just die if he doesn't call meeeeee!" ​

A day or so later - when Chad still hasn't called - Blair tells the gals that there must be a good explanation for his rude behaviour, other than he's a self-absorbed dickwad who's clearly not that into her. Mrs. Garrett steps forward and sheepishly confesses that Chad actually did call, then passes along the message he left: this weekend he and a group of friends are going skiing in Vermont, and if Blair wants to tag along she should call him before 7:00am. Jo barks, "Don't do it!" and Natalie reminds Blair that Chad's only going to dis her again. Blair's like, "But I loooooove him!" and Mrs. Garrett somehow refrains from giving her a smack to knock some sense back into her and says that their dating situation does not look like love. She adds that she always seems so nervous in Chad's presence, like she’s constantly walking on eggshells. Tootie concurs and implores Blair to blow off the ski trip in the same rude manner he blew her off at the Save the Streams fundraiser, and Blair pretends to concur and says she'll go call Chad right now and decline his invitation. Jo asks her why the hell she'd want to give the manipulative douchebag the courtesy of a phone call, and Natalie agrees and bellows, "Cold turkey!" Blair scrunches her face in misery and says she'll never make it to 7:00am without breaking down and calling him, so Mrs. Garrett urges her to take it one hour at a time until after the fucktard has departed for Vermont. The gals rally around Blair and promise to do everything they can to keep her mind off of being a pathetic doormat.

"The deadbeat called and invited you to tag along on a ski trip with him and his friends."

"Yippee! I would be grateful for the opportunity to tag along!"

Blair is giving Jo a makeover to help keep her mind off of Chad - but Jo doesn't look like she's enjoying having makeup caked all over her face. When Tootie jokingly suggests that Blair give Jo a haircut (‘cause, yep, that tired old ponytail 'do is getting tedious to look at), everyone goes silent at the memory of when Chad had so dickishly urged Blair to experiment with a shorter 'do.   

Blair heads downstairs to the lounge, picks up the phone and stares at it, then thinks better of it and hangs it up again. She wanders over to the kitchen just as Jo appears, wrapped in a bright green blanket. Blair grabs a plate of roast beef leftovers from the fridge and heads back to the lounge...and Jo trails closely behind 'cause clearly she doesn't trust her to not call Chad. Blair pretends she hadn't even considered making such a call, and rolls her eyes and says, "You are soooo suspicious."

Blair natters at Jo about how she thinks about Chad all the time: when she's styling her hair, doing her homework, and taking out the trash - especially then, apparently. Heh...and Jo reads my mind and snidely mutters, "That figures." Blair says she's been rethinking every conversation she's ever had with Chad, then wails, "I didn't know there was so much wrong with me before Chad!" and Jo snorts derisively and snarks, "Maybe there wasn't before Chad."

Hours later, Blair is cuddled under the blanket with Jo, continuing to natter about how she still gets butterflies whenever she thinks about Chad, and that he's different from every other flunky she's dated. Jo points out that Chad is the only boyfriend she's had who didn't completely gush over her perfection, and that maybe his constant, not-so-subtle disapproval of her is what drives her to want to prove herself to him. Blair mulls over that plausible theory, scrunches her face in sudden irritation, and decides it's not Chad's place to tell her she's not perfect. Jo quips, "That's right. It's my place!" and the two laugh and cuddle in each other's arms under the bright green blanket. ​

Blair wakes up, excitedly checks her watch, and squeals happily when she sees that it’s 7:22am. She pokes Jo awake and exclaims, “Wake up! We can go to sleep now!" - bwahahaha! - and tells her they can finally celebrate the fact that Chad is probably long gone. As they're dancing around, happily hugging, the phone suddenly rings...and after glaring at it for a few seconds, Jo’s happy mood disintegrates as she answers it, and sure enough it's Chad. He informs Jo that he and his friends got a late start this morning and that Blair can still come skiing if she still wants. Blair looks intrigued by the last minute offer and tells Jo she really really wants to go. Jo scrunches her face disappointedly as she mutely hands the phone over...and Blair gives it a hard stare, holds it up to her ear for a few seconds, but then decides that Chad is a cold-hearted assbag who doesn't deserve a minute more of her time. And that she liked cuddling under the bright green blanket with Jo a whole lot more than she expected to...mmm hmm. She hangs up the phone…and as she's doing that, she looks over at Jo, who's smiling at her approvingly.

Hurray! 

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---