The Facts of Life - Season 3, Episode 9

"You don't have to rush into dating, Tootie. We have six long seasons ahead to drag that kind of shit out."

"Dear Me"
Original airdate: 12/23/1981

Episode summary: Tootie gets so wigged out when her friends egg her on to date and kiss boys that she invents a boyfriend named Teddy and starts writing love letters to herself.

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Recap: Natalie, Jo, Blair, and (special guest star) Nancy are sitting in the cafeteria with a group of guys from Bates Academy, discussing an upcoming hiking/camping trip. When Tootie enters the room, one of the guys (Zack) visibly perks up and is all, "Hey there, Tootie!" but she rudely ignores him and tells the group that the food nets are ready to go, and explains that it's so the animals can't get at the food while they're out in nature. Jo gets icked out by the idea of being anywhere near wild animals, so Blair assures her she doesn't have to worry, then gushingly reminds her that they'll have big, strong men to protect them (even though they all look like a bunch of dorks). Mrs. Garrett asks Tootie if she can borrow her typewriter...and Tootie says yes and that it's on her desk. As soon as Mrs. Garrett is out of earshot, the gals clump together and giddily make plans to go skinny dipping in the pond during the hiking trip. Considering all the nasty organisms that can live in a pond, that sounds like a gross idea. Tootie makes a face and says it's a little too cold for that, but Natalie grins and says they can skinny dip in their shoes and sweat suits...which is then no longer skinny dipping, but whatever. 

Over in the lounge, Zack tells Tootie that maybe they'll find something during the hike, like old fossils in a cave. Tootie looks puzzled and goes, "Caves..?" and Zack nods and tells her that their hiking trail has lots of big caves nearby...which anything can happen in 'cause they're private and secluded. Subtle, Zack. Tootie says they'll probably be too tired after all their hiking to do much exploring, but Zack stares at her suggestively and retorts, "That's what this trip is all about. Exploring." Tootie abruptly announces that she has to set up the cafeteria for dinner, and when she emerges from the lounge with Zack trailing after her, the Bates guys bust Zack's chops about whether or not he's "ready" for the hike...and Blair, Nancy, and Natalie giggle like twelve year olds. After the guys saunter off, Blair tells Tootie that Zack is totally into her and clearly wants to take her to Cooper's Rock (a teenage make-out haven.) As the girls murmur, "Mmm hmm.." Tootie scrunches her face in irritation and snaps, "Come on, you guys." Blair offers up a detailed description of what it feels like to be kissed by a guy, then closes her eyes and gets a dreamy expression on her face and says, "It turns my insides to tapioca." Nancy chimes in and says that kissing boys makes her insides feel like jello, and Natalie says that for her it's like scrambled eggs. (When the hell has Natalie ever kissed a boy??) Blair tells Tootie she's going to experience the touch of a boy's lips on hers this weekend, then giddily asks, "Can you stand the wait?!" Tootie just shakes her head and stalks off in disgust...so I guess we can take that as a yes. 

"Kissing a boy will make your legs feel like jello.."

"And your insides feel like tapioca.."

"Ooooh...someone get me a cigarette."

Mrs. Garrett reminds the giggling nitwits that she and one of the teachers will be chaperoning the hiking/camping trip - which means there will be no hanky panky allowed. She then reads over the sign-up sheet and tells Tootie she forgot to register for the hike, but Tootie sullenly declares she's not going. Natalie's all, "Wuh?" and Mrs. Garrett urges her to reconsider, but Tootie explains that she can't go 'cause her boyfriend wouldn't like it. Natalie scrunches her face in puzzlement and goes, "What boyfriend?" and Tootie says it's someone they don't know: Teddy Lee Watson from Washington. She says they met at camp last summer and have kept in touch by exchanging love letters...and in those letters Teddy has apparently communicated to her that he gets insanely jealous whenever she's around other guys. (That's usually the first indication that you're dating a future wife beater.) Blair asks Tootie why they've never seen any of these alleged love letters, and Natalie looks miffed that she's been kept out of the loop of her best friend's made-up romance.

Tootie heads up to her bedroom, sits in front of her typewriter, and starts typing a fake love letter to herself.

The next day, Tootie is reading the fake love letter to the girls. "Teddy" reminds her of how jealous he gets about her being near other boys and thanks her for not going on the hike. He "writes" I'm too good for you and don't deserve you and says that being apart from her is torture. Tootie clutches her chest with breathlessness at her faux boyfriend's maniacal words, while Blair nods knowingly and says that every man who's ever loved her has uttered something similar. Natalie asks Tootie for more, so Tootie reads Teddy's sign off: your hunka hunka burning love. As Tootie ambles out of the lounge, Mrs. Garrett follows her and says, "That's some letter" then asks her how serious her faux abusive relationship is. Tootie solemnly replies, "Very" so Mrs. Garrett reminds her that she's very young and hasn't had many (well...any) serious involvements. Tootie says, "Teddy's my first real commitment" then assures Mrs. Garrett that so far their relationship has been limited to letter writing.

"Dear Tootie: If you ever go near another boy, I'll kill you. Love, Teddy."

[sigh] "Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?"

"Your faux boyfriend sounds like a psychopath."

After Tootie scurries off, Natalie laments about how her bestie has to live with the pain of separation from her deranged beloved, and Blair regrets treating Tootie like a child for the past few months when, unbeknownst to her, she's been involved in a serious relationship. She suddenly grins and exclaims, "I just had one of my brillllliant ideas!" and tells the girls she wants to arrange for Teddy to fly in for the weekend - so he can surprise Tootie and then go along on the hiking trip. Natalie nods approvingly and says she loooves that idea. These two can't possibly be this gullible and/or stupid, but yet..

Natalie bursts into the bedroom and tells Tootie she's going to want to go on the hike after all. Tootie stonily says she'll be babysitting, so Natalie cheekily retorts, "You'll be busy at Cooper's Rock." She then spills the beans on the secret surprise and tells her that Blair is planning to call Teddy tonight and offer him a plane ticket so he can fly to Peekskill and join them on their hiking trip. Tootie stares back at her in horror and is all, "OMG! OMG! Noooo!!" and somehow Natalie is totally oblivious to her distress.

Mrs. Garrett drops in on Tootie to return her typewriter, and Tootie wails, "What am I going to dooooo?!" She explains that Blair is arranging to fly in Teddy so he can go along on the hike, and Mrs. Garrett says she doesn't like the sound of that. Tootie tells her that as soon as Blair tries to contact Teddy, she'll realize there is no Teddy, and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a?" Tootie explains that she actually did meet a Teddy Lee Watson at camp last summer, but he was just her tennis instructor and didn't much care for her. Shocker. Mrs. Garrett stupidly asks, "What about all those letters?" so Tootie sheepishly confesses to writing them herself. She insists she had to 'cause the other girls are always gabbling about their romances and teasing her about still being a kid. Mrs. Garrett assures her that there's nothing wrong with an immature, undeveloped girl not wanting to date boys, then points out that what she does or doesn't do is no one else's business. She urges Tootie to not to let anyone bully her into telling lies, and Tootie stares contemplatively into space as she mulls that over.

"Mrs. Garrett, I am in trou-bbbble."

"When Blair calls Teddy, she's going to realize that I was lying about having an insanely jealous boyfriend."

"Thank goodness. Now I don't have to give my canned lecture on the dangers of abusive relationships."

Blair, Jo, and Natalie are looking over a supply list that Mrs. Garrett just typed out on Tootie's computer. They laugh about how the F looks like a T (due to some glitch with Tootie's typewriter keys) and Natalie's face suddenly becomes ashen and she mutters, "I don't believe it" and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket that she fished out of the trash earlier. It's Tootie's fake Teddy letter, and - no surprise - this letter has the same F/T problem as Mrs. Garrett's supply list...and the three geniuses deduce that Tootie has been the one writing "Teddy's" love letters. Blair gets irritated and says that Tootie purposely tried to make a fool out of her. Jo wonders aloud why she'd invent a boyfriend, and Natalie wryly replies, "'Cause she doesn't have a real one." After a few seconds of self reflection, they realize that they spend so much time gabbling about boys that they must have driven poor Tootie to manufacture the big lie about the fake Teddy. They stand around for a few seconds wondering what they're going to do about it now...and Jo suggests going just along with Tootie's story and not let on that they know she's been lying. Sounds like an excellent way to quickly wrap up this pointless episode. Blair swears that she's never going to meddle in Tootie's life again, then orders them to shut her up if she ever does...and this prompts Jo to shoot her a gleefully evil grin. 

Tootie gets on the pay phone and asks the operator for the number for a Teddy Lee Watson in Washington, then asks her/him if anyone else has tried to get this number today. I'm guessing the operator tells her to go pee up a rope, 'cause Tootie quickly hangs up...and is startled when she finds Zack suddenly standing in front of her. He tells her he stopped by to drop off some extra lanterns, then says he heard she wasn't coming along on the hike and was bummed 'cause he was hoping she'd go. Tootie snarls, "I'll bet you were" and Zack says he hopes she didn't back out 'cause he was being so pushier earlier. She says his pushiness was the reason, actually, then snarkishly asks him whaddup with that. He tells her that the other guys have been razzing him about getting some action in the caves, so Tootie passes along Mrs. Garrett's sage advice and lectures him about not allowing himself to be bullied into doing stuff. She then abruptly announces that she will go on the hike after all...but that she's not going to tolerate any hanky panky. Zack says he's good with that, then heads out. 

"Please come on the hiking trip, Tootie."

"Only if you promise you're not going to try any hanky panky."

"There was never going to be any hanky panky. Like most insecure boys my age, I'm all talk."

Blair tells Tootie she definitely shouldn't go on the hiking trip, but Tootie says she wants to go after all and that she promised Zack she'd go. Jo asks, "What would Teddy say?" while somehow managing to keep a straight face, and Tootie breezily says she doesn't want Teddy to surprise her by flying in for the weekend and coming along on the hike 'cause they're about to break up. I guess that's the end of that faux coupling.

After Tootie exits the room, ​Blair glares at Natalie and asks her how Tootie knew that she was planning to surprise her by flying in Teddy from Washington. Natalie grins and exclaims, "They're breaking up!" but Jo and Blair continue to stalk toward her, fake menacingly, and ask her again how Tootie knew about the surprise. Natalie holds up her arms in surrender and shrieks, "She dragged it out of me!" and the episode abruptly ends there. Weird.

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