The Facts of Life - Season 3, Episode 3

"Would it have killed you to use a condom?"

"A Baby in the House"
Original airdate: 1/11/1981

Episode summary: Former Eastland student Alison drops by for a visit...then takes off and leaves her baby behind.

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Recap: The girls are bustling around the cafeteria, preparing for a visit from Alison, Blair's old BFF and a former Eastland student. Jo grumbles about the elaborate feast they're laying out, and reminds them that when her friend Darlene visited from the Bronx, all she got was a Twinkie. Natalie explains that this is a special occasion 'cause it's the first time Alison has visited them since getting married and having her daughter. Natalie assures Jo she'll love Alison, but Jo highly doubts that 'cause she doesn't normally like Blair's friends...then laughs about Alison getting herself knocked up. Blair indignantly says, "It's not like that" (even though it's exactly like that) and says that Alison's out-of-wedlock pregnancy was socially acceptable 'cause she and her husband David both come from privileged, well educated families. Blair then gets a dreamy look on her face and adds, "Alison has everything: a beautiful baby, a gorgeous husband, and the condo her parents bought her as a wedding present." (Translation: she's an overindulged rich brat who was too dumb to use birth control and then had to have a shotgun wedding to save face.) Tootie reminisces about when Alison used to sneak off to Cooper's Rock to watch the sunrise and cackles, "That was so neat!" LOL. Natalie adds that Alison used to skinny-dip while she was at Cooper's Rock and gushes, "What a pistol!" Blair says it'll be sooo nice to have Alison around around again - but that it's too bad she's married 'cause then she (and not Jo) could have gone on her upcoming double date. Jo shoots her the stink-eye and says, "You don't want me to go, I won't go" so Blair quickly backpedals and says she can't back out now 'cause the double date is at a charity event at the country club. Jo reluctantly agrees, then snarkishly reminds her she's doing her a favor.

Alison arrives at Eastland, carrying her baby in a giant wicker basket. When she sees Blair, she calls out, "Blair-y-pie!" and Blair shrieks, "Ali-kins!" and the two run into each other's arms. Alison greets Mrs. Garrett and says she really wants her banana bread recipe before she leaves...and then everyone oows and aaws over her baby, Emily. Blair gushes about how beautiful Emily is and how fantastic Alison looks, and Alison breezily updates the girls about her fabulous life as a wife and mother. She tells them that David is busy with college and sports, and that she may go back to school once Emily is bit older. She sanctimoniously says, "Right now David's education comes first. It's a long way to med school" and Natalie nods approvingly and smilingly says, "Stand by your man." As everyone chuckles at that anti-feminist sentiment, Alison earnestly insists it's no sacrifice on her end 'cause she loooves being home with Emily...and continues to lay on the bullcack about how much she adores motherhood. 

"David goes to college and enjoys sports while I'm stuck at home taking care of an infant."

"Not that I'm resentful or anything."

Alison, Blair, Tootie, and Natalie are gathered in the bedroom, reminiscing about all the great times they had at Eastland. Blair asks Alison to help her pick out a dress to wear for her double date...and Alison reminds her of the townies they once went out with, and the two laugh about what Neanderthal jerks they were. They change the topic to movies, and Alison says she hasn't even had time to see The Empire Strikes Back - and the girls are all "Wha-a?!" 'cause of what a giant movie freak she is. The girls ignore that subtle red flag and gabble to Alison about how lucky she is to have found her Mr. Right, and lament the fact that they still have to get out there and date. Alison grins broadly and says, "When you've got it, you've got it." She checks her watch and notes that it's after six o'clock and says David doesn't like her driving after dark...and for some reason this prompts Tootie to make a loud swooning noise. The girls offer to walk her to her car, but she declines, hugs them goodbye, and rushes out.

Mrs. Garrett enters the girls' room and goes, "Where's Alison?" so Blair tells her she left an hour ago. Blair asks her if Alison forgot the banana bread recipe she wanted, and Mrs. Garrett looks spacily into the camera and says, "She forgot something else" and then leads them across the hall to her room...and we see that Alison left her baby and the giant wicker basket behind.

​Blair insists to the girls that Alison would not abandon her baby (would, did) and assumes there must be a reasonable explanation. Jo reads the note Alison left, which says: I'm going away. Please take care of Emily. Yep, that definitely sounds like abandonment. Mrs. Garrett enters the room and says she wasn't able to get a hold of Alison's husband, and Blair says he's away for the weekend, hand-gliding, and that her parents are on a snorkeling vacay. (I wonder why these rich people don't hire a nanny.) Blair tells Jo they'd better get ready for their double date - but Mrs. Garrett interjects and asks them what they're planning to do about the baby. Blair stares back at her blankly and goes, "Do..?" LOL. Natalie promises to play with Emily once she's finished studying, but Mrs. Garrett shakes her head disapprovingly and says, "As long as she's in our house, she's our responsibility." Mmm...since the abandonment occurred on school property, I'm pretty sure it's more the administration's problem. Blair says she doesn't have any experience with babies, while Natalie looks put out that her promise to play with the baby once she's done studying wasn't enough of a personal sacrifice. Jo, meanwhile, looks pleased not to have to go on the double date, and Tootie just shrugs indifferently and rhetorically asks, "How much trouble can one little baby be?"

"It is all of your responsibility to take care of this child."

"How do you figure? We weren't the ones who had unprotected sex."

In the lounge, Blair is trying to get Emily to stop crying by telling her the story of Princess Blair, but it doesn't work...and Tootie tries to soothe the baby by making whooshing sounds, but this only makes her cry harder. Natalie rushes into the room with a fresh bottle of formula, but then accidentally dumps it on the floor...and Jo barks at her to heat up another one. She then realizes that Emily needs a diaper change, so Tootie goes off in search of something they can use, since Blair ruined the small batch of diapers Alison came with by boiling them (in an effort to sterilize them). Tootie returns to the lounge with Natalie's pillowcase, which has a Shaun Cassidy photo ironed on it - groovy! - and Jo styles the pillowcase diaper so that Shaun Cassidy is on the baby's rump. When Natalie returns with another bottle of formula, she stares at the makeshift diaper and looks dismayed.  

In the middle of the night, Jo tiptoes into Mrs. Garrett's room to look in on the baby...and Mrs. Garrett turns on the light and asks her whassup. Jo tells her she couldn't sleep 'cause she was worried about Emily, and a few seconds later Blair enters the room and says she remains puzzled as to why Alison abandoned her child. Natalie and Tootie stand in the doorway and worriedly ask if the baby's OK, and Mrs. Garrett assures them she's fine. Natalie goes downstairs to heat up another bottle, and Jo informs Blair that Emily just took another dump and needs to be changed. Mrs. Garrett offers to make them some cocoa, then wryly says, "This could be a long night."

The next morning, Mrs. Garrett and the girls are sitting around the cafeteria, exhausted after being awoken by Emily every two hours. Alison suddenly enters the room and sheepishly says, "Hello everybody" and asks how her baby is doing. Jo coldly says she's asleep, and Alison nods and says she knew she was leaving her baby in good hands. Mrs. Garrett asks her where she's been all night, and she says, "Cooper's Rock." She explains that she was about to go pick up Emily, then realized that for the first time in several months she was alone...and the next thing she knew, she was driving around aimlessly. Blair gets irked and snarls, "That's perfect" and says it used to be cute when she'd take off on her little adventures and not tell anyone. She shoots Alison the stink-eye and sneers, "Well it isn't cute anymore. It's irresponsible!" Mrs. Garrett is all, "Whoa...easy Blair" but Blair continues to rail, "What kind of mother are you?!" Alison shoots back, "I'm a good mother!" and insists that Emily is healthy and well taken care of by her...and by her, she means not David, who's busy with college and sports. Blair says she knows that being a mother isn't easy, and Alison snaps, "You don't know, Blair! Your life is school, friends, and dances." She pauses, then sadly says, "I haven't got time for school" and whines about how her friends now have new friends, and that she doesn't see many dances in her future. She bitterly tells the girls that she got a playpen for her seventeenth birthday, then hastily says she doesn't wish Emily hadn't been born; she just wishes she'd been born later. The way responsible people who use birth control would have planned things.  

"You abandoned your baby!"

"I thought you'd find it adorably impulsive."

"In hindsight, I definitely should have looked into some condoms."

Mrs. Garrett comforts Alison while she weeps, cooing about how she's taken on a lot of responsibility at such a young age - even though no one held a gun to her head and forced her to get pregnant at the age of seventeen. She assures Alison that she can still have hopes and dreams (sort of) and that she has her whole life ahead of her. Blair invites her to spend the day at Eastland, but Alison says she has too much to do before David gets back and she should head home. Blair offers to visit her in the city sometime, and suggests they take Emily to the park or go shopping...and Alison likes the sound of that. She then gathers up Emily and all of her baby gear and assures them she'll be OK...and that she really just needed one last look back. She and Blair bid each other adieu by doing the Blair-y-pie/Ali-kins thing again...and then Alison and her baby exit the cafeteria, never to be seen at Eastland again. The girls sit down at a table with Mrs. Garrett, contemplating what they want to do that day. Jo says she'll probably work on her bike, Natalie wants to get caught up on her studying, and Tootie says she's going to a movie. Blair doesn't know what she wants to do, and Mrs. Garrett says, "That's why Sunday is so great - you don't have to do anything." That it is, Mrs. Garrett. That it is.

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