The Facts of Life - Season 3, Episode 22

"A flower garden corsage! Every teenage girl's dream."

"The Academy"
Original airdate: 3/31/1982

Episode summary: When Jo's friend Buzz needs a date for a military dance at a nearby academy, she sets him up with Blair.

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Recap: Jo gets a phone call from her friend Buzz Ryan (hey - it's Jimmy Baio!), who attends Stone Military Academy. He tells Jo he needs a date for an upcoming military dance...and when she says she has no interest in going, he's like, "Well d'yuh, I'm looking for someone classy." Haha! By classy, he means a rich and elegant Candice Bergen type...and when Blair happens to sashay into the lounge at that very moment, Jo glances over at her and wryly says, "I might know someone like that." Buzz says he's been telling the other cadets he has a debutante-type girlfriend, so it's important that Jo deliver someone who fits that bill. In exchange, he offers to set her up with his dreamiest cadet friend, and Jo agrees since she needs to "keep an eye on Blair". Mmm hmm. A few seconds later, the Facts girls (who have been eavesdropping from the cafeteria) burst into the lounge and gabble excitedly about also wanting to go to the military dance. Blair smugly guesses that Jo is about to ask her to be her friend's date for the affair, and Jo talks up Buzz and says his dating history includes Gloria Vanderbilt's [non-existent] daughter. Blair looks faux intrigued and says, "Call him"...and then Natalie and Tootie try to get in on that action and beg Jo to rustle up some military school escorts for them as well.

Buzz and his dorky roommates, Chip and Alfred (who end up being Tootie's and Natalie's dates), are busily tidying up their dorm room. Buzz reminds them to back up his lie about Blair Warner being his steady girlfriend just as some guy named Hank hobbles into the room with a cane. He points to his bum foot and tells Buzz he probably won't be able to take Jo to the dance, and Buzz wails, "Who am I going to find now? I can't set up Jo with just anyone." Cadet George Knight, resident dickwad, barges in to needlessly antagonize the boys and boss them around until Major Dorsey arrives to conduct an inspection of the room. The Major notes that the room is dust free, then orders Buzz to hand over his rifle. Hidden inside, he finds what I thought was a joint...but since Major Dorsey doesn't look close to being as wigged out as Mr. Bradley was in Season 1's Dope episode, I'll have to assume it was just a regular cigarette. Major Dorsey sternly reminds Buzz that he needs to remember to follow the rules better, imposes "penalty hours" on him, then stalks off. Buzz accuses George of ratting him out, and George wisely changes the subject and says he was impressed to learn that his girlfriend, Blair Warner, is a rich, well-connected socialite. He then says that he's still looking for a date for the dance and asks Buzz if he could help him out with that, and Buzz offers up Jo and describes her as "a classy type". Chip and Alfred concur and add that Jo - short for Joanna Marie - is Polish royalty (!)...and George perks up at the thought of escorting Princess Joanna od Polska to the dance.  

"Is this what I think it is?"

"If you're thinking it's a harmless herbal cigarette that smells suspiciously like marijuana, then yes..?"

Jo lumbers into the Stone Military Academy ballroom wearing a hideous pink dress with a very wide band of ruffles across the neckline. Damn, the '80s had some fugly fashion trends. She's followed by Blair, who looks elegant in her black gown as she smugly surveys the room. Hank hobbles over to Jo and tells her he was her original date before he hurt his foot...and then George Knight sweeps in, makes a beeline over to Jo, and dorkishly introduces himself as Hank's replacement. Jo barks, "You got a package for me?", and when George hands her the box containing her corsage, she grabs it and looks less than thrilled with her dance partner for the evening.

"It is an honor to meet you, Your Highness."

"Are you gonna gimme that box, or do I have to snatch it outa yuh hands?"

When Buzz arrives, he and Jo hug warmly and compliment each others' appearance. She introduces him to the rest of the Facts girls...and he looks awed by the sight of Blair, then hands her her corsage. Natalie's date, Alfred, gives her a box containing a gigantic corsage, and she peeks inside and exclaims, "Oh! A gladiola corsage! Stunning!" and shoots Jo a dismayed WTF? look.

Blair tells Buzz she's deeply impressed with his connection to the Vanderbilts, and when Buzz is all, "Wuh?", Jo winks and tells him she bragged to Blair about how he used to date Gloria Vanderbilt's daughter...and that he should stick to that story.

George tells Buzz he now knows that Blair was just a last minute fix-up for him and isn't his girlfriend, and Buzz is like, "Yeah, but we have chemistry" and insists he can make her his girl. George sneers and says, "Dream on", so Buzz puffs out his little chest and needlessly lays out a ridiculous challenge: "What if you saw us making out at 10pm in a car?" George mulls that over and decides he would like to witness that PDA, then saunters off. Once he's safely out of earshot, Buzz buries his face in his hands and wails to his pals, "What am I going to do now?"

Shortly before 10pm, Buzz tells his friends that while he's luring Blair out to the parking lot, they need to keep the rest of the Facts girls occupied. George, meanwhile, urges Major Dorsey to accompany him outside in a few minutes so he can catch Buzz making out with Blair and then bust him for breaking the rules. What a tool. I wonder why he's such a douche to his own peers.

Buzz tells Blair she's "the most luscious thing at the dance", then asks her if Mrs. Garrett leaves the keys in her car. She goes, "Uh, yeah" and he looks faux relieved and says he's been asked to move her car to another area of the parking lot...and was wondering if she'd like to join him while he performs the task. Blair decides she's up for that, and Buzz looks deeply into her eyes and says, "I think you're really special." Natalie, meanwhile, is bored stiff by Alfred and politely rebuffs him when he tries to book another date. Jo stomps into the room with George toddling behind her, apologizing for whatever he did to offend her. He asks her if they can hit the dance floor, but she barks, "Forget it!" then asks Hank if he's able to dance. Hank tosses his cane to George and happily escorts Jo to the dance floor, not limping anymore...and this makes me wonder if he's been faking his foot injury the entire time for no intelligible reason. A miffed George glares after them.

​Blair and Buzz are sitting in Mrs. Garrett's tiny Volkswagen. She tells him she's onto him and knows that his lame story about needing to move the car was just BS. Buzz, who's not quite ready to throw in the towel on getting to first base, says that next to her, Gloria Vanderbilt's daughter is "bow-wow city"...and Blair tells him to cut the shit, 'cause anyone who's in the know about Manhattan's social elite knows that Gloria Vanderbilt only has sons. She asks him why he's been acting like such a phony dickwad all night, and he hangs his head shamefully and says it's the only way he can get anywhere in this world. She softens and tells him that underneath his many layers of bullcack, he's charming, intelligent, and rugged - kind of like a young Bogart, and Buzz perks up and goes, "Really? Bogie?" and is about to lean over and kiss her when they're interrupted by the sound of someone blowing into a bugle.

"You're kinda hot - like a young Bogart."

"Of all the Volkswagens, in all the towns, in all the world, you're sitting in mine...er, Mrs. Garrett's."

A few feet away, Major Dorsey, George, and Mrs. Garrett are staring over at the Volkswagen, trying to determine if any hanky panky is occurring inside. Suddenly, Buzz appears from behind the car and tells Mrs. Garrett that her muffler was mounted incorrectly...so he decided he'd take it upon himself to fix it. Major Dorsey tells Buzz that since he left the dance he has to punish him with more penalty hours, and when Buzz seems fine with that, Blair asks the Major if it'd be OK if she gives Buzz a goodnight kiss in full view of her chaperone. Mrs. Garrett and the Major give their consent, so Buzz yells, "Hey, Knight!" and smooches Blair while a bewildered George watches. Afterwards, Buzz and Blair grin at each other, and Buzz shoots George a smug glare.

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