The Facts of Life - Season 3, Episode 21

"I thought there'd be a lot more complimentary stuff in here about me."

"Mind Your Own Business"
Original airdate: 3/24/1982

Episode summary: Natalie gets angry at Blair for reading her diary without permission. Mrs. Garrett is anxiety-ridden about delivering a speech at a dieticians' convention.

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Recap: Blair is pestering Natalie to help her with a chemistry experiment so she can at least get a B+ in the class. Natalie, who's hunched over on her bunk bed, says she's too busy writing her private, innermost feelings in her diary...and this prompts Tootie to wonder aloud if she too should be documenting that kind of thing (nah, you'll just be embarrassed by it years from now). Jo enters the bedroom looking muddy from playing field hockey, and Blair glares at her with disdain and calls the sport barbaric and accuses her of enjoying smashing into other girls. She haughtily says she refuses to play the sport 'cause she's worried about her bone structure, and Jo says she doesn't get her fear about wrecking her face since eventually she'll be getting plastic surgery. Womp womp!

Mrs. Garrett tells the girls she's scheduled to deliver a speech at a dietician's convention in a few days and wants to get their feedback...and when they hear her opening lines, their verdict is: sucks. Natalie announces that it's time to hide her diary key, and everyone rolls their eyes and turns around. She hides the key in a sock inside her trunk, then gives them the all clear. She hands Blair a chemistry textbook to help with her experiment, but Blair anxiously asks her if she can still get some one-on-one time. Natalie's like, "Yeah, yeah...later" and heads downstairs to help Mrs. Garrett prepare supper. Once she's out of earshot, Blair starts raving to Jo about what a wonderful, true friend Natalie is, and says she'd like to get her a special thank you present. She then frowns and says she has no idea what Natalie likes and wishes she knew more about her secret desires...secret desires that are probably written in her diary! That segue way seemed like kind of a giant stretch...but whatever, writers. Tootie sternly reminds her that Natalie's diary is off limits, and then she and Jo head downstairs to help in the kitchen.

Blair tiptoes over to Natalie's side of the room, opens her trunk, and easily finds the diary key. She proceeds to unlock the diary - just as Jo unexpectedly enters the room and catches her in the act. Blair sheepishly blurts out, "It's not what you think!" then decides she doesn't give a rat's ass what Jo thinks and starts leafing through the diary. She comes upon a passage that contains her name, but then frowns as she reads it aloud: Blair is an egotistical, selfish, air-brained witch. She realizes with horror that Natalie wrote that just two days ago and angrily calls her two-faced. Jo points out that a diary is usually filled with temporary feelings about people and situations, then decides she'd rather stay out of it, since it doesn't look as though Natalie wrote anything similarly nasty about her.

"Yep - you caught me red-handed."

"And if I gave any kind of shit about this storyline, I'd be downstairs right now, tattling to Natalie."

Mrs. Garrett is freaking out about the 1,300 people who are expected to attend the dieticians' convention and listen to her speech. She says she got a bunch of joke books from the library to help her come up with some funny one-liners. Not sure why a speech by a dietician needs to be peppered with jokes, but OK. She mentions that the librarian could use a hand cataloguing some new books, and Blair snidely recommends Natalie for the job, since she and the grisly librarian are so much alike. Natalie laughs and says she often calls her Ms. Quasimodo behind her back (and, obviously, in her diary)...so then Blair, who seems to want to out herself for invading Natalie's privacy, refers to herself as "an egotistical, selfish, airbrained witch". Natalie's all, "Wha-a?!" and asks Blair how on earth she cracked the mystery of her diary key's hiding spot...and Tootie nonchalantly informs her that they all know exactly where she hides her key. Blair tells a mortified Natalie that, in her defence, she only sneaked a peek into her private thoughts 'cause she wanted to know what sort of present she might like, but Natalie doesn't buy that dumb explanation and angrily says she's tired of her privacy being invaded. She declares, "I'm making changes!" and storms out of the cafeteria.

Natalie has created a privacy curtain for her bunk bed out of a bed sheet, and she's written No Trespassing on it to warn her roommates to keep out. She then posts a new set of Privacy Rules on the wall, and Tootie looks dismayed as she reads over the long list, and says she's not sure how she's going to memorize them all. A few seconds later the phone rings, and Blair is about to answer it - but stops short when Natalie reminds her that they're no longer allowed to answer phone calls for each other. A bewildered Tootie asks the obvious: since call display hasn't been invented yet, how the fuckety fuck are they supposed to know who the call is for unless someone picks up the damn phone? With that issue unresolved, Mrs. Garrett enters the room and asks if anyone would like to go clothes shopping with her, 'cause she needs a new outfit for her big speech...and Jo and Tootie agree to accompany her. Mrs. Garrett asks who was on the phone just now, and Blair tells her they have no idea, 'cause none of them had the sense to just answer the fucking thing. Natalie tells Mrs. Garrett that she's the only one they can trust to keep their callers' identities confidential, and Mrs. Garrett tells them how completely idiotic that is, and that she's too busy wringing her hands about her upcoming speech to be their phone operator.

"Rule number four: don't answer anyone else's phone calls."

"Does anyone besides me see any logistical problems with this one?"

A panicked Natalie tells Tootie she can't get into her trunk 'cause she forgot the lock combination, and it's a disaster 'cause she has a paper due tomorrow that's in the trunk. She wails that she's now going to have to write the thing from scratch, and it's all Blair's fault. Mrs. Garrett breezes into the cafeteria to show off the new blouse she bought for the convention. Jo assures her that she looks like a knowledgeable dietician, and the girls give her some last minute ideas for her speech. Just as Mrs. Garrett is about to head out, the phone rings, and the girls all stare at each other mutely, none of them daring to answer it...and finally Mrs. Garrett shrieks, "This is ridiculous!" and runs into the lounge to answer the call. Turns out it's some guy named Paul calling for Blair...and Blair admonishes Mrs. Garrett for blurting out her caller's name in front of the other girls. She would prefer that she write her messages down and hand them to her discreetly, preferably when no one else is around. Mrs. Garrett mutters about how crazy they're driving her, then rushes off to get to her convention.

Blair heads into the kitchen to conduct her chemistry experiment, and Natalie glances at her notes, which she left laying on the counter. She quickly realizes that Blair's formulas are totally out of whack, meaning she's about to inadvertently set off a sulphur dioxide stink bomb. Tootie says they should probably warn Blair, but Natalie points out that Blair would have a major freakout if she knew she had invaded her privacy by looking at her notes without authorization. At that moment, Mrs. Garrett comes rushing back into the cafeteria, yammering about how she forgot her speech (damn this woman's a hot mess)...and when she enters the kitchen we hear a crashing noise, then see a plume of stinky smoke billowing from the kitchen. Blair flees into the cafeteria and cries, "I don't know what went wrong!" and Mrs. Garrett runs out behind her, holding her nose at the putrid smell.

"Gross! It smells like our bathroom after chilli night."

"Chilli and a three bean salad!"

Mrs. Garrett starts panicking about how she's now going to have to shower and change, which will surely make her late for her speech. Natalie suggests that the humor of being a stink bomb victim might amuse her audience, and Mrs. Garrett mulls that over and is like, "Hee! You might be right!" And, thankfully, this is the last we have to hear about her convention/speech.

Blair whines about how impossible it will be for her to get a B+ in chemistry, and Natalie tells her she almost got the experiment right. When Blair asks her how she knows that, Natalie admits to looking at her notes and catching the mistake...and Blair starts to get all huffy about how she didn't step in and say anything, but Tootie chimes in and reminds her about their Privacy Rules. She then says she really really hates following so many nonsensical rules just 'cause Blair read Natalie's diary, and says life would be so much better if they just trusted one another again. Natalie mulls that over and says she'd be willing to amend the rules...but when Tootie suggests just dumping them altogether, Natalie's like, "Yeah, sure. What the hell." She then explains to Blair that she referred to her as an egotistical, selfish, air-brained witch 'cause she (Blair) had just polished her jewelry with her (Natalie's) toothbrush. Blair concedes that she never should have read her diary in the first place, and Natalie is about to dejectedly go upstairs to rewrite her paper when Jo suddenly appears with the paper clutched in her hand. She says she managed to get the lock open - but refuses to say how. Blair asks Natalie if she'd still be willing to help her with her chemistry experiment, and Natalie's like, "Of course!" as though their disagreement, on which the entire episode was based, never ever happened.

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