The Facts of Life - Season 3, Episode 20

"They call me Spots."

"Kids Can Be Cruel"
Original airdate: 3/17/1982

Episode summary: Blair is dismayed when a dinner box charity auction goes awry and she has to go on a date with a pimply outcast.

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Recap: The Facts girls are decorating the cafeteria for a charity event that is to benefit a nonprofit entitled Helping the World Hunger Fund. The way it works is: the Eastland girls prepare box lunches which the Bates Academy boys then bid on, and the winner has dinner with the girl who prepared the box lunch. Blair is packing a faux French gourmet feast in a pretty pink box and brags about how her beau Dink (nope, not a typo) is planning to outbid everyone so he can win her boxed dinner. Tootie reminds her that the auction is supposed to be anonymous, but Blair just giggles and says she described her dinner box to Dink, so he knows to look out for a pink box with a red ribbon tied around it. Clever and subtle. After that, the girls crowd around Blair's slam book, which Jo derisively calls "a poison pen directory". Blair says it's more of an opinion poll, where students can anonymously write whatever horrible things they think of their schoolmates...much like a poison pen directory. Tootie reads a catty entry about an Eastland student, and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in disgust and tells them they're being vicious, not honest. Blair breezily retorts, "Oh tish" and Natalie points out that there's also lots of praise in the slam book. Case in point: she wrote gushy things about a guy she's crushing on named Tim while using the alias #10. She begs the gals not to reveal to Tim that she's #10, which is pretty much a guarantee that she'll soon be outed to her crush as #10.

Dink arrives at Eastland with stereo speakers for the auction. Blair greets Dink, who's a stereotypical male bimbo (a mimbo)...and trailing after him is Tim, who has round fuzzy hair. Tim tells everyone that Rocky Price is on his way over with his tape deck, and Blair makes a blech face and witheringly repeats, "Rocky Price?" Dink jokes that everyone is going to lose their appetite if they have to look at his ugly mug while they eat, and Mrs. Garrett glares at him with disgust and asks who this Rocky Price is. Natalie explains that his name is really Carl Price, and that the Bates guys call him Rocky behind his back 'cause he has a scorching case of acne all over his face. Tootie opens the slam book and read aloud a bunch of other nicknames Carl has been given: Pizza Face, Moonscape, Peanut Cluster. Blair and Natalie roar with laughter, and Mrs. Garrett snaps and says she's had it with the slam book. She tries to grab it away from Tootie, but Tootie maintains her death grip on the dumb thing and refuses to hand it over.

"It says here his real name is Zitty Pimpleson...bwahaha!"

"Did I raise you girls in this cafeteria to be such catty bitches?!"

Carl arrives at Eastland with his tape deck...and, yep, his acne situation is about as grisly as I imagined. Mrs. Garrett greets him with some polite chit-chat...and when he refers to himself as a deadhead, Mrs. Garrett gasps in horror until Blair explains that a deadhead is a fan of the band, The Grateful Dead. When Carl expresses surprise that a vapid tart like Blair would know anything about The Grateful Dead, she tosses her luxurious blonde locks over her shoulder and imperiously pronounces, "The beautiful people know about rock and roll too." Mrs. Garrett steers Carl over to the lounge, where he sets up his tape deck...and then Dink and Tim return with a ginormous speaker. Blair discreetly reminds Dink to bid on the pink dinner box with the red ribbon tied around it, and Dink's like, "I'm on it" and says he ordered the other guys not to bid against him. He asks her what's in the box, and she rattles off the contents in French - jambon, croissant, fromage - and Dink scrunches his face in confusion and says, "Yeah, but what kind of food?" Poor stupid Dink.

After Tim assembles the speakers, Natalie offers to get him a Gatorade and he chirps, "Sure!" Natalie asks Tootie to accompany her to the kitchen to get the drink, then orders her to stay there so she can be alone with Tim.

Dink tells Blair he really likes her slam book...especially Rocky's page, which he describes as brutal - and Blair giggles and goes, "I know." Dink informs Tim that he too has a page, and Tim perks up and goes, "No kiddin'?" Dink tells him that some chick who calls herself #10 thinks he's some kind of god, and Tim scrunches his face in puzzlement and asks who that could be. Blair chuckles and says, "Come on. You know who has a humungous crush on you", but Tim just stares back at her blankly and insists he doesn't and orders her to give him some clues. Blair then completely blows the lid off of Natalie's cover with the following giveaways:

• She's the editor of the school paper
• She packed a dinner box with his favorite snack - jellybeans
• She just left the room with Tootie

Tim, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, has to think it over for a few seconds, then goes, "Ooohh.." Cue Natalie, who returns to the cafeteria to give him his Gatorade. He says, "Thanks, Number Ten" and Natalie's smile remains frozen on her mortified face as she grunts, "Huh?" and glares over at Blair and asks him what he's talking about. Blair just smiles conspiratorially with Dink, and Tim tells Natalie he'd love to bid on her dinner box if he weren't going steady with a girl named Cynthia. Natalie breezily assures him it's no problem, and he thanks her for all the nice stuff she wrote about him in the slam book. Meanwhile, Dink looks at Blair and says, "Pink with a red ribbon, right?" and Blair nods and gushes, "What a memory!"

After Dink and Tim leave, Natalie admonishes Blair for telling Tim about her slam book comments. Blair admits she gave him a few clues and declares it "cute"...but Natalie narrows her eyes and declares war - which, she assures her, won't be cute. She then storms off.

"Hint: your admirer is editor of the school paper and her first name rhymes with Shmatalie."

"Batalie? Catalie? Ratalie? Come on, gimme another clue."

The dinner box auction is underway. Carl arrives wearing a tan blazer and high-waisted pants and goes over to Blair to say hey. She looks at him in total disdain and gives him a curt hi. When it's time to auction Blair's dinner box, Dink steps forward and bids $10...then is outbid by Carl, who offers $15. Blair shoots Carl a WTF? stink-eye, and Carl responds by winking at her knowingly. As Carl and Dink try to outbid each other, Carl offers $25, which is more money than Dink has on him. Mrs. Garrett declares Carl as the winner of Blair's pink dinner box - and Carl proudly holds out his arm, waiting for Blair to tuck her hand in it...which she does while looking over at Dink beseechingly and making a fake crying noise. Tootie tells Natalie and Jo she can't believe Blair ended up with Carl - which makes Natalie and Jo cackle gleefully. Carl excitedly tells Blair he's going to play the theme song for Endless Love on his tape deck and rushes off to the lounge. Dink comes over to where Blair's sitting and stares at her in disbelief. He tells her he doesn't get why "Rocky" would want to buy her dinner box, so she gives him a funny look and says, "To have dinner with me, of course" and explains that she has that effect on men. She then glances over at the rest of the Facts gals and notices Natalie's gleeful smirk...then puts two and two together about how this abomination may have occurred. She gets up and storms toward Natalie, who flees to the kitchen. When Blair accuses her of tipping off Carl, Natalie admits that Carl's winning bid on her dinner box is payback for her telling Tim about being #10.

Carl emerges from the lounge and asks Dink and Tim where Blair went, and Dink snarls, "As far away from you as possible." As Carl hangs his head shamefully and looks crestfallen, Dink adds that Blair has no interest in eating dinner with him, and calls him Pizza Face to his pizza-like face. Mrs. Garrett overhears the insult and shoots Dink the stink-eye. Carl tells Dink he doesn't believe it, so Dink asks him if he's ever looked in a mirror...and Carl falls silent. Mrs. Garrett interjects and asks Dink if he really wants to act like a sore loser, and he's like d'yuh and says, "Blair will be the loser if she has to eat with Rocky Horror Show." Mrs. Garrett orders him to knock off the name calling and insists that Carl won the dinner box fair and square - but Carl interjects and goes, "Uh, actually I didn't win fair and square" and confesses that Blair called him at around 5:30pm to tip him off about bidding on the pink dinner box. Dink says that's impossible and informs him that Blair was with him at 5:30pm, and Tim corroborates this version of events. Carl stares into space as he scrunches his face perplexedly and wonders aloud who could have called him. Natalie, who's standing nearby with guilt etched across her face, edges away and tries to nonchalantly join a group of students sitting at a nearby table. This doesn't escape Mrs. Garrett's notice, and she orders Natalie into the kitchen so she can admonish her for cruelly pranking Carl. Natalie explains that she was merely trying to pay Blair back for humiliating her in front of Tim - but Mrs. Garrett points out that Carl is the one who's paying. She then admonishes all the Facts girls (except for maybe Jo) for their general cuntiness and lack of compassion during this episode.

"Hmm...I wonder who could have called me pretending to be Blair."

"Nobody here but us chickens."

Carl tells Blair he now knows that she wasn't the one who called him to tip him off about her boxed dinner...and Natalie steps forward and admits that she was the culprit. She apologizes, and Carl does his best to laugh it off and pretend he knew it was a joke. He says he was just playing along, and that he'd have to be out of his mind to think that an A-list gal like Blair would actually call him up and ask him out. He wryly says, "I'm not exactly Dink Lockwood" and Jo snidely quips, "Be proud." Carl hands Blair her dinner box and heads for the door - but Mrs. Garrett urges him to keep it, and reminds him he paid for it. He just shrugs and says it's OK, since the money's going to charity. He then says he needs to adjust the stereo, and slinks out looking visibly upset. Mrs. Garrett sternly remarks, "There goes one very fine boy" and glares disapprovingly at Blair...and then Tootie sanctimoniously chimes in, "And a very hurt one too." Blair looks at everyone in bewilderment and reminds them that she's also an injured party. Jo grabs the pink dinner box from Blair and says she'll eat with Carl, since he deserves a charming, lovable dinner date - but Blair grabs the dinner box back and says, "He's suffered enough" and announces that she'll be eating with him 'cause she can't stand the thought of anyone thinking that Carl preferred Jo over her.

"Don't you want to eat your boxed dinner?"

"Jambon in a box? I'll pass."

Blair enters the lounge clutching her dinner box, looks over at Carl, then brightly says, "Hi!" He says hi back while looking perplexed. She breezily tells him she's starved and hopes he doesn't mind if she gets started with dinner, then seats herself on the couch and begins unpacking the food. Carl bitterly tells her she must have her charities mixed up - world hunger not Carl Price - but Blair ignores the jab and starts fake giggling about her limp croissant. Carl, who can't seem to stay mad at Blair, laughs along with her...then sits next to her on the couch and starts gabbling about MOMA, his favorite New York museum. Blair is stunned that he even knows what MOMA is and informs her that family members are trustees. They quickly find common ground talking about their favorite exhibits and love of art...and within minutes, Blair rises above being icked out by her dinner companion's pimply complexion and makes an admirable effort to pretend to enjoy their banter.

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