The Facts of Life - Season 3, Episode 10

"Thanks for escorting Geri to the
party, Mr. Palmer. I'm recommending
you for the Humanitarian of the Year award."

"Cousin Geri Returns, aka Geri's Romance"
Original airdate: 12/30/1981

Episode summary: Blair gets uneasy when Cousin Geri starts dating an attractive teacher at Bates Academy.

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Recap: The girls are bustling around the cafeteria, gearing up for the Paris themed party that's being hosted at Bates Academy that evening. Mrs. Garrett chides Blair for buying too much food, but Blair tells her they're splitting the cost with the Bates boys. Cousin Geri suddenly ambles in (fuuuuuuuckkkkk) and everyone rushes over to greet her in an over-enthusiastic manner, while Blair smilingly declares, "Excuse me. As a blood relative, I get the first hug." After a full round of hugs has been dispensed, Natalie asks Geri for the latest showbiz gossip, and Tootie excitedly asks, "What's the scoop with Michael Jackson?" [Let's see...he releases Thriller in 1982, and after that everything kind of goes downhill for him.] Mrs. Garrett enters the room and shrieks, "Geri! Our rising star!" and as the two hug, and Mrs. Garrett tells her she's thrilled about her new gig headlining at the Browns Hotel. Yikes, they must really be hard up for entertainment. Blair informs Geri that she won't be able to make her opening night 'cause she's attending a Paris themed party at Bates, and Geri perks up and asks if she can tag along, then explains that there was a mix up with her performance dates at the hotel, which means she doesn't open until Monday. She chirps, "I'm yours for the weekend!" and Blair looks aghast, but pretends she's A-OK with her disabled cousin third-wheeling it with her at a high school party.

After Geri and Mrs. Garrett head to the kitchen for a private coffee klatch, Tootie asks Blair why she's so bummed, so Blair explains that Geri can't go to the party 'cause everyone's going to be paired off. She wails, "She'll feel like an unmatched sock!" Jo suggests finding Geri a date, but Blair says that that could be a problem. Natalie says it shouldn't be 'cause of how cute, funny, and generally awesome Geri is...and Tootie gushingly adds, "And she's met Michael Jackson!" Blair reminds the nitwits that not only is Geri a sanctimonious drip who's far too old to be attending a high school party, she has cerebral palsy, which makes her special. Jo nods and concedes, "I guess CP would make some guys uptight" but Tootie insists they'll just have to find someone as special as Geri is. Blair suggests they hook her up with the senior at Bates who's confined to a wheelchair, and Jo snaps, "Do you hear yourself?" and Natalie has to spell out to Blair that it's insulting to pair up two people solely because they're both handicapped.  

"There's no way Geri can go to that party stag."

"There has to be a solution to the dilemma I just created in my own head."

The French teacher from Bates Academy, Michael Palmer, bursts into the kitchen and asks Mrs. Garrett if he can borrow her punch bowl. I'm pretty sure we're supposed to think he's a total dreamboat with his side-parted, fluffy blonde locks and trim physique. As Mrs. Garrett gets the punch bowl down for him, she introduces him to Geri. He studies her for a few seconds and exclaims, "I know you! You're a comedienne, right?" then says he saw her on the CP telethon and thought she was fantastic. She replies, "Thanks. Maybe next year they'll give me my own Geri's kids" - and the joke just kind of hangs there when the laugh track fails to kick in loud enough. Michael tells Geri he's a UGE fan, and when he learns that she's interested in attending the Paris themed party at Bates, he asks her if she has a date. She goes, "No. Do I need one?" and he schmaltzily replies, "Absolutely. Spending the evening in Paris alone is against the law." He asks her if she'd like to be his date, and she chirps, "That'll be great!"

"You're Geri, the comedienne who likes to joke exclusively about cerebral palsy, right?"

"Bingo! Would you like to hear my latest zinger about the disease?"

Blair announces that she's going to ask her friend Glen to escort Geri to the party, and adds that it will be an excellent opportunity for him to demonstrate his devotion to her. Jo says she highly doubts Geri would want to date one of her dorky friends and points out that he's probably too young for her. Well, d'yuh. Blair wails, "I don't know what to doooo!" and says she may have to bail on the party.

When Michael and Geri enter the cafeteria, Natalie rushes up to Michael to say hello and gushes, "Next semester you're mine" and explains that she's planning on taking his French class. Blair tells Geri she's coming down with something and may have to miss the party, and Geri just kind of shrugs and informs her that she's going with Michael. Blair's all, "Wuh?" then perks up and says she's suddenly feeling much better. Michael announces that he still has a lot to do for the party and bids Geri adieu by kissing her hand. Natalie stretches out her hand in front of him, hoping for a similar kiss, but he just shakes it and beats a hasty retreat. Tootie gets a dreamy look on her face and gushes to Geri, "It's so romantic!" and Blair tells her she just made the catch of the year and waxes on about how suave, intelligent, and charming Michael is - not to mention a total fox. Geri admits she's a little nervous, this being their first date and all, but Blair condescendingly assures her that her evening will be unforgettable.

After the party, Blair bursts into the kitchen and tells Mrs. Garrett that she's given Geri a night she'll always remember...and Mrs. Garrett is delighted that everyone had a good time. Blair tells her that Mr. Palmer was magnificent in the thoughtful, attentive way he treated Geri...and that he didn't leave her side all evening - kind of like a regular date. Ouch. Geri arrives a few seconds later with a big smile on her face, and Blair exclaims, "You were the belle of the ball!" Geri says that her budding romance with Michael is kinda like Romeo and Juliet, then tells them that Michael wants to show her the mountains of Sunset Ridge tomorrow. Mrs. Garrett says, "That sounds romantic!" but Blair's all, "Wha-a?" and looks displeased that her date with Mr. Palmer wasn't just a one-time act of charity on his part. After Geri happily floats upstairs, Blair  miserably wails to Mrs. Garrett, "How could he make her fall in love with him?! She's an innocent! He'll break her heart!"

"Geri was the belle of the ball! And Michael was an attentive, polite, and considerate escort."

"Sounds like it ended up being a lot more than the pity date we all secretly assumed it was."

Blair complains to the girls that Mr. Palmer is "a dirty rat" 'cause he had the audacity to show Geri a good time at the Paris themed party and get her used to being treated well by good looking men. The girls all think Mr. Palmer is fantastic, but Blair says she's worried that Geri will mistakenly think that he's as crazy about her as she is about him. Tootie shrugs and says, "Maybe he is" but Blair tells her she's naive, and that she knows his type: a do-gooder who thinks he's doing something noble by dating a handicapped person. She's convinced that as soon as Mr. Palmer realizes what a sanctimonious bore Geri is, he'll dump her like yesterday's news and take up with a woman who has Parkinson's. Tootie and Natalie mull this over and look worried, then agree that Mr. Palmer is a creep after all...while Jo says they should probably ask Geri what she thinks about all this.

Michael arrives at the school with a bouquet of flowers, and Jo rushes upstairs to let Geri know that her new beau is here. Mrs. Garrett tells Michael she heard the party was a success, and he sheepishly hands her the flowers and tells her that her punch bowl got broken. Geri enters the cafeteria and says she's all ready for their day trip, and Michael says, "I hope you also have everything you need for this evening." Blair glares at Michael suspiciously and asks, "What do you mean for this evening?" so Geri explains that they have plans to picnic at Sunset Ridge. Blair grumbles that that sounds dangerous, but Geri gently replies, "Mike will take very good care of me." Ugh. The two lovebirds head out, and Blair urges Jo to go start her motorcycle so they can follow them and spy on their picnic - but Jo's not interested and snaps, "Forget it."

The next day, Blair is nervously pacing the length of the cafeteria and wails, "Why hasn't she come home from her date?" (Heh. Looks like someone got lucky.) Mrs. Garrett points out that it really is none of their business considering that Geri's a grown woman and a guest, but then agrees it would have been nice if she had called. Blair says she's going to start calling the morgues - just as Geri saunters in looking all afterglowy and asks, "Who died?" then grins and adds, "Good morning." Blair snarks, "Good afternoon" and Mrs. Garrett says they're all glad she's OK - but that they were starting to worry. She tells Geri she really put her in a bind last night, and that she was very worried when she didn't return to Eastland. Geri admits that she should have called, but it got too late...and when she thought about calling again, it was too early. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in irritation and retorts, "Well...it was inconsiderate of you" and Geri sheepishly concedes, "I know." That'll teach Geri to cheap out and crash at her cousin's boarding school - instead of booking herself a room at the Browns Hotel, where she can come and go as she pleases without getting hassled. 

"You really disappointed me by not calling."

"Am I grounded? Even though I don't actually live here?"

Blair prefaces the dumb thing she's about to say by telling Geri she's doing this for her own good, then forbids her to ever see Michael Palmer again. Geri admonishes her for treating her like a child, but Blair argues that she knows nothing about men and dating. Geri informs her that she has, in fact, had experience with guys, and has been out on lots of dates...and Blair's all, "Wha-a?" and says she had no idea. Geri says she just assumed there weren't any...which, well, d'yuh. Blair says she doesn't want her to feel like she has to be grateful to Michael for asking her out, and Geri looks indignant and says, "I'm not grateful; he's lucky I went." Blair explains that she doesn't want her to be open to rejection after everything she's been through, so Geri reminds her that when she learned how to roller skate or ride a bike she got hurt...but now she's able to do those things. Mrs. Garrett nods approvingly and grasps Geri's hand and shakes it in a show of support. Geri tells Blair that she wants to experience a full life and experience things just like everyone else...and Blair stares shamefaced at the floor and apologizes, then wonders if she'll ever get her act together. She asks Geri if she's planning to see Michael again, and Geri says they do have plans to go out. Mrs. Garrett looks delighted and urges her to keep seeing him 'cause he's soooo nice. And has awesome hair. Blair jokes that if she ever plans to break Michael's heart, could she please wait until after he's graded her French exam? Womp womp..

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