The Facts of Life - Season 2, Episode 9

"As soon as I move this hand away, there's a
pretty good chance that gossip will
uncontrollably spill out."

"Gossip"
Original airdate: 1/21/1981

Episode summary: Tootie's popularity at Eastland surges after she starts an unfounded rumor that Mrs. Garrett has a drinking problem.

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Recap: Blair is gabbling excitedly about the upcoming field trip to Manhattan. She says she can't wait to shop at Bloomingdales again - but Mrs. Garrett tut tuts her and reminds her that this is supposed to be a cultural trip, not a shopping spree. Tootie interjects and asks if anyone wants to play Monopoly, but Blair dismissively retorts, "Not now. Too busy for children's games." Tootie looks put out and stalks off. Jo arrives with the Sunday New York Times, and Nancy (as in, Nancy who got fired as a permanent cast member after Season 1) rushes in and asks for the Entertainment section. When Tootie asks her if she'd like to play Monopoly, she declines and says she has to do something about her dull hair before she meets up with Roger in New York, 'cause apparently he expects it to shine. I can't even fathom why she's still dating that dinkwhistle. Tootie tries to gain attention by abruptly announcing that she heard some hot gossip about the headmaster, Mr. Harris, then blurts out, "He wears a toupee!" Mrs. Garrett frowns and tells her that spreading gossip isn't nice, but then looks intrigued by the tantalizing tidbit. Jo shrugs and says, "Everyone knows Harris wears a rug" and Blair agrees it's old news. Jo tells Tootie, "You'll have to try a little harder, kid" and Tootie indignantly retorts, "I'm not a kid." She rails that just 'cause she's not going along on their "dumb, boring trip to New York"...then pauses and stares pleadingly at Mrs. Garrett and asks, "Why can't I gooo?!" so Mrs. Garrett explains that the trip is only for students in the upper grades. 

"I know a secret you don't know: Headmaster Harris wears a toupee!"

"Anyone could see that rug a mile away."

"Really? I thought it blended in well with his natural hair."

Natalie enters the room, also declines to play Monopoly with Tootie, then needlessly models the new jeans she plans to wear during the New York trip. Tootie wails, "You're going too?!" so Natalie explains that she scored an invitation 'cause she's writing an article for the school paper about the UN. After Jo, Blair, and Natalie head upstairs, Mrs. Garrett offers to fix Tootie a snack of milk and cookies. As they amble into the kitchen, Tootie complains that she's tired of being treated like a child and having no one pay any attention to her. Mrs. Garrett half-heartedly assures her she'll be older before she knows it...and Tootie grumbles that she's not in the mood for milk and cookies and exits the kitchen. Mrs. Garrett informs Howard the Cook that she has to go into town for an eye exam 'cause she needs new glasses, and that she's already dreading having those awful cold drops on her eyeballs. Mmm hmm..

Tootie heads upstairs with her Monopoly game, hears Jo and Blair talking inside the bedroom, and brazenly eavesdrops at the door. Inside, Blair is telling Jo she needs her to do her a favor while they're in New York: she's planning to sneak out of the hotel on Saturday night and needs someone to cover for her in case Mrs. Garrett comes 'round for a head count. Jo agrees to cover for her and adamantly promises she'd never squeal. Blair then needlessly explains that Roger - as in, Nancy's Roger - offered to take her to the ballet to see Mikhail Baryshnikov perform. Jo's appalled that Blair would go after her friend's boyfriend, but Blair explains that it's not Roger she's after, it's Baryshnikov. Out in the hallway, Nancy catches Tootie eavesdropping, and Tootie pretends she was about to enter the bedroom, which they both then do. Blair immediately shuts down all talk of Roger and pretends that she and Jo have been discussing fashion, 'cause yeah that seems probable. Nancy rails to everyone about how pissed off she is at Roger, since apparently he just canceled their weekend plans because he's allegedly stuck visiting relatives. Blair suddenly gets up and says she promised Jo she'd help her tune up her motorcycle, 'cause yeah that seems probable...and she and Jo beat a hasty retreat. 

"Roger's taking me to the ballet to see Baryshnikov."

"OMG! How fast and to whom can I blab this tantalizing gossip?!"

Tootie sympathetically clucks, "Too bad, Nancy" then asks her if she'd like to hang out. Nancy says she needs to find someone to talk to about the Roger situation, and Tootie makes a face and sarcastically retorts, "Thanks." Nancy explains that she'd prefer to talk to someone who's older...but on her way out, Tootie brags that she knows a sleazy secret about Roger. Nancy backs up and demands to know what it is, and that's all it takes for Tootie to spill the beans about how Roger is taking Blair to see Baryshnikov during her trip to New York. Nancy's eyes bug out really far and she overacts - I mean overreacts by shrieking, "I'll kill him! I'll kill her! I'll kill myself!" and then storms out. Tootie smiles smugly and gleefully murmurs, "Blair is in troouu-ble." 

Nancy storms downstairs and accuses Blair of being "a sneaky, slimy man-stealer" for stealing Roger, and Blair wryly says she could steal him, but wouldn't. She openly admits that she accepted Roger's invitation to the ballet, then asks who told her. Nancy says, "A very close friend" then shoves a bucket of ice down Blair's top before storming off. (Nancy does a lot of storming off in this episode.) Jo enters the cafeteria just as Blair is emptying ice cubes out of her bra...and she assumes it was Jo who spilled the beans about her and Roger going to the ballet together. Jo hotly denies squealing, but Blair doesn't buy it and insists she did, so then Jo shoves her fist a few inches from Blair's face and says, "Want to say it again?" Blair wisely says no, then adds that she doesn't want to say anything to her again...ever. After the two storm off in opposite directions, Tootie enters the cafeteria with Natalie, Cindy, and Sue Ann (as in, Cindy and Sue Ann who got fired as permanent cast members after Season 1). Sue Ann is intrigued by Blair's man stealing, and Natalie applauds Tootie for being the source of some awesomely entertaining gossip. Cindy is so impressed by Tootie's blabbing that she invites her to hang with them in her room tonight, and Tootie happily accepts.

Mrs. Garrett returns from her eye appointment and tells Howard that she can't see very well because her eyes are still dilated from the drops the doctor gave her. Howard offers to help her upstairs, but she declines 'cause she has a giant misunderstanding she needs to create in front of Tootie. Mrs. Garrett stumbles into the cafeteria, bumping into things and knocking stuff over. Tootie looks concerned and asks her if she's OK, and Mrs. Garrett squints in Tootie's direction and nonsensically asks her, "Are those twins really you, Tootie?" Tootie scrunches her face in confusion and goes, "One of us is" and Mrs. Garrett mutters that she'd better sit down 'cause she can't see straight. She feels her way to the nearest chair, but accidentally knocks it over. Tootie picks up the chair and remarks on how her behavior reminds her of her Uncle Jerome's boozy antics...and instead of explaining why she's stumbling around like a drunk person, Mrs. Garrett nonsensically marvels, "It's amazing what a couple of drops can do." She announces she's going upstairs to sleep it off...and a few seconds later, Natalie enters the room and sees Tootie chuckling to herself. She tells Natalie that Mrs. Garrett was acting really funny just now, then imitates her "drunkenness". Sue Ann and Cindy then enter the room, and Natalie tells them that Mrs. Garrett was "totally loaded". The girls titter, and Tootie tries to get them to promise not to tell anyone about Mrs. Garrett's faux drinking problem...and Cindy smirks and goes, "Who would we tell?" and by who would we tell? she means we're going to go and tell everyone now.

"Is that you, Tootie? Did you suddenly sprout into twins?"

"Wow. You're really acting weird."

"You remind me of my Uncle Jerome. He was a shameless booze hound."

The headmaster, Mr. Harris, is on the phone...and, yep, he's definitely sporting a rug. Word has spread like wildfire about Mrs. Garrett's drunkenness, and he tells whoever he's talking to that she's a highly respected staff member, then somberly adds, "But if she has a drinking problem, appropriate steps will have to be taken."

Mrs. Garrett is gaily watering the plants in her room, shriek-singing How Dry I Am? when Mr. Harris drops by. She needlessly tells him her watering can is an old booze bottle, and that it was a lot more fun emptying the first time. He sternly tells her there's an ugly rumor going around, and she assumes it's about his toupee and says they should simply ignore it. He insists it's a serious matter, and therefore he can't allow her to take the girls to New York...but Mrs. Garrett still doesn't get a clue and assures him the girls won't tell anyone in New York [about his toupee] and that he's overreacting. The misunderstandings come to a sudden, merciful end when Mr. Harris blurts out, "I'm concerned about your drinking problem" and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in befuddlement and is all, "Wha-a?!" She admits to having the occasional glass of wine with dinner - and he interjects and says that stories of her recent bender are all over campus. Mrs. Garrett assures him it's utter nonsense, so he asks her if she was stumbling around the cafeteria yesterday, knocking stuff over. She explains that her eyes were dilated after her doctor's appointment, then shows him the prescription she got for her new glasses. Mr. Harris studies it carefully, then apologizes for jumping to the wrong conclusion. He wonders aloud how such an ugly rumor could have started, and Mrs. Garrett mulls that over and recalls that Tootie was the only one who witnessed her stumbling around the cafeteria. She narrows her eyes and murmurs, "Is someone in troouu-ble."

The girls are in the cafeteria, gabbling excitedly about Mrs. Garrett's boozing. Blair says it's hard to believe, since she's never seen Mrs. Garrett drink anything stronger than iced tea. Tootie pretends as though she's had nothing to do with any of this and asks, "Who said she was a drinker?" and Cindy goes, "You did" so Tootie tries to backpedal and says, "I didn't exactly put it that way." Nancy suggests that Mrs. Garrett could probably use some professional help, but Natalie just chuckles and tells Tootie she can look back on this and say this was my finest blab. Mrs. Garrett suddenly enters the room, and the girls fall silent. She asks to speak with Tootie, and Tootie sheepishly gets up and follows her into the kitchen.

Tootie tells Mrs. Garrett not to be mad at her, 'cause it's not her fault that the gossip she simultaneously spread to three other people got out of hand. LOL. Mrs. Garrett puts her serious face on and asks, "What if this so-called drinking problem had gotten me fired? Whose fault would that have been?" and Tootie sullenly insists that she was merely passing along information - but Mrs. Garrett corrects her and says it was misinformation. Tootie asks her what was up with all that stumbling around and bumping into furniture, so Mrs. Garrett snarkishly retorts that if she had asked, she would have known that her drunk-like behavior was due to her eyes being dilated at the optometrist's. Tootie looks relieved that her beloved housemother doesn't have a drinking problem after all, and offers to go spread the good news. Mrs. Garrett stops her and says she's not done being mad at her...and that there's still a lot of anger stewing among the girls: Nancy's not talking to Blair, and Blair's not talking to Jo. Tootie's confused by Blair's anger at Jo, since it was she who blabbed to Nancy that Blair was going out with Roger. She then perks up and says that at least her gossiping made the older girls finally pay attention to her, but Mrs. Garrett points out that her blabbing has only prevented them from ever wanting to confide in or trust her. Tootie acknowledges that she really screwed the pooch with her big mouth during much of this episode, and Mrs. Garrett suggests that she go into the cafeteria and come clean about her gossiping.

"Had you considered the possibility that I could have gotten fired because of your big mouth?"

"No. I was too excited about my sudden rise in popularity among the older girls."

Tootie sheepishly returns to the cafeteria and explains to the girls that while she's been enjoying her sudden rise in popularity, she may have gone overboard on some of her gossip. She informs them that Mrs. Garrett was not actually drunk while she was stumbling around the other day, then explains, "She had her eyeballs diluted." She wants to leave it at that, but Mrs. Garrett forces her to continue, so she admits to Blair that she was the one who told Nancy about Roger inviting her to the ballet. Blair looks livid and shouts, "You sneaky little blabbermouth!" and Jo also gets in on that action and snarls, "I'll get you for this!" Mrs. Garrett declares that Tootie will have to do penance for the damage she did, namely by sealing and putting stamps on 1,000 invitations for the upcoming alumni dance. Mrs. Garrett turns to leave, but assures Tootie they're still friends. Tootie obediently gets started on the envelopes - and when Natalie offers to help, the rest of the girls join in as well...and will probably share a group hug afterwards.

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