The Facts of Life - Season 2, Episode 8

"You don't need a high school diploma
to cook my meals and bear my children."

"Teenage Marriage, Part 2"
Original airdate: 1/14/1981

Episode summary: Mrs. Garrett and Blair do all they can to prevent Jo and Eddie from running off and getting married.

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Recap: Blair bursts into the cafeteria and asks Mrs. Garrett if she's seen Joe and Eddie in the last couple of hours, but Mrs. Garrett says there's been no sign of either of them. Blair says the two left the restaurant in the middle of dinner, then wails, "It's all my fault!" She informs Mrs. Garrett that the two imbeciles are planning to get married tonight, and Mrs. Garrett tells her she's been trying to reach Jo's mom, but hasn't had any luck. Blair scrunches her face with horror as she has a disturbing visual of married Jo in a few years: living in a tenement with twelve children, while Eddie drinks beer and belches. LOL - that's probably a scarily accurate foreshadowing. Jo suddenly enters the cafeteria and tells Mrs. Garrett she has something to tell her, and Mrs. Garrett motions toward Blair and wryly says she's already heard the big news. Jo stomps over to Blair and snarks at her for insulting Eddie and enlisting her weenie friend Bink to try to convince them that getting married at sixteen is incomprehensibly idiotic. She narrows her beady little eyes and snarls, "You didn't miss a trick" and Blair coldly retorts, "I must have. You're still getting married" and then stalks off. Hee! Tootie scampers over, wishes Jo a happy marriage and hugs her...and Mrs. Garrett stands across the room and stares over at her with a mixture of concern and disdain. Jo acknowledges, "I know you think I'm too young to get married" and Mrs. Garrett stonily replies, "It doesn't matter what I think. You're the one who has to be happy."

"I know you think it's stupid to get married at the age of sixteen."

"Well d'yuh...but if the writers would allow me to not give a rat's ass about your life decisions, I could simply pretend to think it's a brilliant idea."

"Does it count for anything if I think teenage marriage is a good way to go?!"

Eddie peeks around the corner like the scaredy-cat he is and goes, "Smoke cleared yet?" and Natalie rushes over to him, exclaims, "Eddieeeee!" and hugs him tight. She wishes him a wonderful marriage, and Tootie orders him to take good care of their friend. Jo announces that she's going upstairs to fetch her suitcase - and an alarmed Mrs. Garrett asks her if they're leaving right now. Jo says yes, but that they plan to make a detour to West Virginia, since the legal age to marry in that state is sixteen (yikes). Mrs. Garrett urges her to discuss her impending wedding with her mom first, but Jo bitchily snarks, "Let her discuss it with her new boyfriend, Jack" and storms upstairs like the ungrateful bitch she is.
Mrs. Garrett tells Natalie and Tootie that they have to delay Jo until her mom calls...the hope being that she'll be able to talk some sense into her moronic daughter. Natalie's bummed that she didn't have time to get Jo a wedding present...and suddenly Mrs. Garrett gets a brilliant idea: they can stall for time by throwing Jo an impromptu bridal shower! She screeches, "We'll have it right now and keep her here until her mom calls!" By golly - that plan is just crazy enough to work! LOL.. She bellows for Howard the Cook - and when he emerges from the kitchen, she orders him to whip up some refreshments and defrost a cake. A few seconds later, Jo and Eddie enter the room and announce that they're off to get hitched, but Mrs. Garrett tells them they can't leave right now 'cause the girls are planning to throw Jo a bridal shower. She lays it on thick to Jo about how much she wants to give her something she'll remember for the rest of her life, and Jo looks touched and says, "That sounds beautiful." She wants to know if it'll take long, and Mrs. Garrett murmurs, "Just long enough" and screeches for Howard again. He enters the cafeteria carrying a ginormous frozen cake, and when Jo introduces Howard to her fiancé...he gives her a funny look and somehow keeps from laughing at the idiocy of two teenagers becoming engaged. Mrs. Garrett asks Howard to take Eddie to the Chugalug Bar for a bachelor party, then discreetly tells him to keep Eddie there as long as possible. After the menfolk leave, Jo asks Mrs. Garrett if she still thinks she's making a mistake, but Mrs. Garrett pretends to believe that Jo is old enough and wise enough to fully grasp what she's plunging head-first into.

Blair brings two rolls of designer toilet paper to decorate the cafeteria for Jo's shower. Ha! That seems ironically appropriate. Jo glares at Blair and snarls, "If she's going to be at this shower, I'm not." Mrs. Garrett tut tuts her and reminds her that they're roommates and friends, but Jo argues that they were friends. Blair assures her bitchy ex-friend she's just there to deliver the decorations and has absolutely no desire to attend her dumb shower.

Mrs. Garrett attempts to cut the cake, but the thing is still too frozen. (Howard maybe should have whipped up some cookies or cupcakes instead of wasting such a large cake for a faux bridal shower that only four girls are attending.) Tootie remarks on how Jo will be a married woman in a matter of hours, and Natalie says that her mom would go berserk if she got married at the age of sixteen. Well, d'yuh. Jo wants to open her gifts so she can get them packed and be on her way, so Mrs. Garrett runs off in search of something reasonably appropriate to wrap up and give to her. Jo opens Tootie's gift, which is a photo album...and from Natalie she gets a blank diary. Apparently, Natalie has nothing exciting enough going on in her life that would warrant being documented in a diary. Blair enters the room and silently hands Jo a large box and clarifies that it's not a gift, just something she's tired of...and Jo opens it and finds a silky pink peignoir. Natalie asks Blair if it's the one she bought at Saks, and Blair nods, then says if Jo insists on doing something as idiotic as getting married at the age of sixteen, she at least wants her to do it in style. Jo remarks that the peignoir is brand new, and Blair says she'd only ever wear it to a slumber party...but it'll be a lot more effective where she's going to unveil it. Eww. Natalie and Tootie cackle and hoot at that disturbing visual, and Jo blushes and sheepishly thanks Blair for the gift. Blair graciously tells her to enjoy her shower and heads toward the door, but Jo invites her to stay and does a surprising fat joke reversal by adding, "You don't take up that much room." Blair smiles and stays.

"Despite your bitchy attitude, here's my gift to you."

"It's a silk peignoir. Please refrain from visualizing me and Eddie on our wedding night."

"Too late!"

Mrs. Garrett returns with the best thing she could scare up to serve as a wedding present: a bible. She tells Jo it'll watch over her, and Jo thanks all of them for the shower and their good wishes. She says it's tough giving up friends, and that she also thinks of them as family. After she rushes upstairs to pack, Jo's mom finally phones back. Mrs. Garrett informs her that Jo is about to leave Eastland to get married...and - uh oh! - a few seconds later, Jo re-enters the cafeteria. She overhears Mrs. Garrett telling her mom that they've been stalling her as long as they can - and Blair tells Mrs. Garrett she'll make sure that Jo doesn't take off...but then whirls around and runs right into her. Oops. Jo narrows her beady eyes at her and snarks that she now realizes what "the phony double date and the fake shower" have been about. Blair tells her the shower wasn't fake, then looks at her beseechingly and pleads, "Can't you see? We're all just trying to help you." Jo barks, "All I can see is that everyone's double crossed me!" Mrs. Garrett begs her to get on the phone with her mom, but Jo just glares at her and growls, "Tell her I left to get married" and storms out.  

"For the umpteenth time, I'm running off to marry Eddie, and there's nothing you or Mrs. G can do to stop me!"

"Message received for the umpteenth time. Incidentally, isn't there a back exit you could've quietly sneaked out of?"

Howard returns from the Chugalug and tells Mrs. Garrett that Eddie and Jo took off on her motorcycle...but no worries, 'cause he directed them to the Ritz Motel for the night due to the extremely cold weather. Mrs. Garrett says she's going to try one last time to talk some sense into Jo, and for some reason Blair insists on tagging along. 

Jo and Eddie enter a decrepit motel room. He insists on carrying her over the threshold, even though Jo blushingly points out that they won't be married until tomorrow. She opens her suitcase, which appears to contain just her peignoir and her other makeshift wedding gifts. Eddie likes the look of the pink peignoir and urges her to try it on...and she agrees, then remarks on all the tags she has to cut off. One reads "100% silk"...and then a home-made underneath it reads "70% of teenage marriages end in divorce". Haha! Jo starts to prickle up at Blair's audacity, but Eddie urges her to forget about Blair...and everything else except the two of them.

Mrs. Garrett and Blair arrive at the Ritz Motel, and Blair looks around in distaste and says it's a depressingly grungy place to start a honeymoon. The grizzled looking motel clerk comes out, says, "Welcome! No vacancies" then closes the door on them. Mrs. Garrett pounds on the door and explains that they're looking for a couple. The clerk tells her he's busy watching Masterpiece Theater, and after some tedious back-and-forth masquerading as comedy, he reveals that the couple she's looking for is located in the honeymoon suite, which is only distinguishable from the other suites 'cause it contains an ice bucket. It remains unclear how this is helpful in actually locating Jo's/Eddie's room.

Jo emerges from the bathroom in her pink peignoir, and Eddie lights up and says, "Maan...does my bride look classy" and she replies, "Maan...does my groom ever look like a twelve year old." [LOL...OK, those were my words - not Jo's - but Eddie really does look quite pre-pubescent in his dorky blue sailor outfit.] Jo blushingly explains that expensive clothes often make a person look and feel different...and when she twirls prettily, he goes, "Boy, am I lucky." LOL. He invites her to sit down on the bed, then tries to engage in some light petting, but she stops him and says they have to be careful 'cause she doesn't want to wind up pregnant. He's like, "Relaaax. We'll be married tomorrow" but she makes it clear that she has no desire to get preggers even after they're married. She points out that she wouldn't be able to finish high school if she has a baby...plus, there's no way they can afford children. He tells her to stop worrying about money - but she insists on talking about it, then asks him how much he earns. He proudly says, "Five hundred dollars a month", and she mulls that over and decides that that might be workable if she also gets a job. Eddie puffs out his little chest and says, "No way. No wife of mine is going to work." He tells Jo she'll be permitted to spend her days taking care of their apartment and hanging out with the other Navy wives - and Jo looks less than thrilled by that prospect. She tells him she definitely wants to finish high school and then go on to college, but he's all, "Whoa" and explains that since he's in the Navy, they'll probably be moving around a lot. Her face falls and she goes, "We will?" and he breezily assures her she won't be lonely; she'll have their kids to keep her company. She looks horrified and exclaims, "Kids?!" then tells him they have a lot to talk about.

"After we're married, I want to finish high school and then go on to college."

"Instead of that, you can remain uneducated and take care of our many children."

There's a knock on the door, and when Eddie answers it, Mrs. Garrett and Blair spill in, shivering from the cold air. Jo snarks that they have no right to be here, and Mrs. Garrett shriekishly reminds her that she's personally responsible for what happens to her. She informs her that her mom's on her way to Peekskill and that she needs to stay put. Jo insists that her mind's made up, and that she doesn't need anyone running after her like she's a little kid. She says she loves Eddie and that she'll always feel that way about him...then solemnly adds, "Which is why we can't get married right now." Eddie's all, "Wuh?" and Mrs. Garrett lets out a huge sigh of relief, and she and Blair agree to wait outside to let them have a private chat.

Eddie asks whassup, so Jo explains that part of the reason she'd agreed to run off with him and get married was 'cause she was mad at her mom...but she now realizes that it's just not the right time. They both agree that they still love each other...but Eddie suddenly looks troubled and wonders what will happen if something changes between them in the meantime. Jo points out that if that were to happen, then getting married at age sixteen would have been a mistake. Ya think? Eddie absorbs the rejection remarkably well, then puts on his overcoat and tells her he's going to try to catch the midnight bus back to Chicago. The two hug, and he gives her a creepy once-over and says, "You shoore look classy." Jo's eyes start to water...and after he leaves, she bursts into tears. Mrs. Garrett and Blair rush back inside and all three clump together in a group hug. Mrs. Garrett assures her she did the right thing...and Blair concurs, but respectfully requests that the next time she runs off to get married, she should do it during the summer months.

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