The Facts of Life - Season 2, Episode 3

Recap: Jo, Tootie, and Natalie are in the cafeteria lounge area playing Scrabble while Mrs. Garrett hovers over them. Blair arrives, clutching the arm of a vapid looking blonde gnome named Harrison Andrews, who has just transferred to Bates Academy from a school in Switzerland. Blair introduces him to Mrs. Garrett and the three "youngsters" and explains that she and Harrison have known each other since they were children, and that their families have always wanted to merge their two bloodlines. She proceeds to brag about his car, not letting him get a word in edgewise as she gabbles about how it's a cherry red Porsche. Jo perks up at that and asks him if it's turbo-charged, and he says it is, then looks intrigued when she tells him she drives a motorcycle...and is even more intrigued when she announces she has plans later.

Mrs. Garrett, Tootie, Natalie, and Blair exit the scene, and Harrison follows Jo around the cafeteria as she sets the tables for dinner. He asks her what these "plans" are, and she says, "Have a little fun, get a few kicks." He asks her where she's planning to get these kicks, and she says, "The arcade in town." He asks her if she'd like it if he showed up at the arcade, and she shrugs indifferently and says, "It's a public place." He suddenly announces he has to leave and asks her to say goodbye to Blair for him. When Mrs. Garrett stumbles into the room, he schmaltzily kisses her hand and says it was a pleasure meeting her...and she looks more dazzled than she probably should and remarks to Jo what a well mannered young man he is.

Blair makes a grand re-entrance into the cafeteria with a phony smile plastered on her face, but it quickly disappears when Tootie informs her that Harrison left. Blair scrunches her face in annoyance and says she's miffed that Harrison didn't make plans to take her to the Highcrest Country Club cotillion tomorrow night...and it's particularly mystifying because, according to her, he transferred to Bates Academy in order to be closer to her. Mrs. Garrett laughs and says surely the guy didn't move from Switzerland just so he could take her to a cotillion, and Blair is deadpan when she says there's been a precedent set. She says her mother and Harrison's mother lunched together last week and (for some reason) had a discussion about how she and Harrison would attend the cotillion together. She then shakes off any doubt about her irresistibleness to men by smugly declaring that she's sure of two things in life: 1) that she's going to marry money, and 2) that she'll be at the Highcrest cotillion on Harrison's arm tomorrow night.

Later, Tootie and Natalie play Scrabble with Mrs. Garrett, who appears to be quite the competitive word gamer. Blair is sitting on the arm of the couch, looking annoyed and distracted 'cause Harrison still hasn't called to invite her to the cotillion. Blair irritably says she doesn't want to play Scrabble anymore, and Tootie says she's just mad 'cause she got stood up - which Blair hotly denies - and Natalie unhelpfully points out that you can't get stood up if you were never asked out in the first place. Haha! True enough. Jo returns home after spending the evening at the arcade...and when Blair grumps about how stupid the arcade is, Jo tells her that her blonde friend showed up and followed her around all night. She says the only way she could shake him off her leg was by promising to go out with him tomorrow night. Blair's all, "Wha-a?!" and widens her eyes in disbelief. She asks, "He asked you out on a - " but can't get out the word date, and Jo nods and casually says, "Yeah, there's some wing-ding tomorrow night." Blair quickly twigs onto the fact that this wing-ding is the high society cotillion she was counting on attending, and Mrs. Garrett swiftly interjects herself in the conversation and explains to Jo that Blair expected/hoped/thought that she'd be Harrison's date, and has been sitting by the phone all evening, waiting for his call. Jo shrugs amicably and says she'll respect her turf and not take her guy, and Blair chuckles derisively and snarks, "The only thing you can take from me is lessons." She puts her arm on Jo's shoulder, then gets all in her face so she can stare deeply into her eyes...and after a few seconds, Jo knocks her arm away and rebuffs her advance (or whatever the hell that suspiciously non-hetero gesture was supposed to be). Blair tells her she's out of her league at the country club, then snappishly declares, "You've got no business at that cotillion, and you know it!" Jo points out that she was invited, and therefore has more business there than she does. She barks, "Eat your heart out!" and storms out of the room, while Blair stares into space, looking shocked and bewildered.

The next day, Tootie and Natalie gush excitedly about Jo's cotillion debut, while Blair lays despondently on her bed. Mrs. Garrett pops in to check on Blair, who wails about how impossible it is for Jo to take her place at a dance, particularly when it's being held at a snobbish country club. A few seconds later, Jo sweeps into the room wearing a dress so hideously unspeakable - and I'm fully taking into account that this was 1980 - that I can only describe it as an ill-fitting Swiss Miss Oktoberfest costume. Blair derisively refers to the get-up as a "peasant dress" and huffily storms downstairs. Jo tells Mrs. Garrett she's worried that she won't be able to pull off such a fancy dress (please - no supermodel in the world could pull off that dress), then sits down, crosses her legs man-style and reveals the dirty sneakers she's wearing underneath. She sheepishly explains that she doesn't have any dressy shoes, so Mrs. Garrett says she'll lend her a pair from her closet.

Later that evening, Tootie and Natalie wonder how Jo is doing at the cotillion, while Blair wanders around the bedroom in a depressed fog. Tootie praises her for not succumbing to her anger by kicking and screaming...and a few seconds later, Blair demands to know why Harrison did this to her, then flops onto her bed and starts kicking and screaming. Natalie wryly suggests to Tootie that they smack her, but Blair promptly ends her tantrum and assures them she's fine.

Jo arrives back at the dorm with her hair all disheveled. She quietly slips into Mrs. Garrett's room, and Mrs. Garrett gasps and asks her if she was in an accident. She says no, but that Harrison "had it all planned", meaning he rushed her through the country club, took her out the back door, and onto the ninth green. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion and asks, "Wasn't it too dark to play golf?" and Jo says that a game of golf wasn't what he had in mind. She recounts how he pushed her onto the ground and told her to "get comfortable", and Mrs. Garrett looks shocked and appalled and exclaims, "Harrison?!" Jo calls him a rotten creep, and says she's usually a good judge of character...and thought a guy with his background would behave like a gentleman (right - 'cause privileged teenage boys from wealthy families who have never had to work for anything their whole lives are always such considerate human beings). She asks Mrs. Garrett if she can hang out in her room until the other girls fall asleep 'cause she doesn't want to have to tell them what happened. She then gets all teary and says she was looking forward to an evening of dancing and being treated as though she belonged there. Through her sniffles, she squeaks, "I wanted to make you proud." Mrs. Garrett hugs her and says that Harrison treated her horribly...and praises her for handling the situation with dignity, grace, and class. She then cackles devilishly and says she wishes Jo had hit him with something, and Jo says, "I did!" which explains why one of her shoes is missing.  

Blair is still wracking her tiny brain, trying to figure out why Harrison would prefer Jo over her. She says it can't possibly be because Jo is smarter or prettier than she is, and Tootie blurts out, "Try nicer, Blair." Natalie suggests that maybe Harrison is attracted to Jo because she rides a motorcycle and is therefore adventurous and unpredictable - someone with whom he can rebel. Blair mulls that over and puts on Jo's biker jean jacket and studded leather hat (OMFG)...and when she checks herself out in the mirror, she's stunned by how awesome she looks. Natalie and Tootie, who can no longer hide their growing disinterest in the Harrison/Jo analysis, announce that they're going downstairs for a snack.

The two run into Harrison, who dropped by to return the shoe that Jo tried to stab him in the eye with. Blair ambles downstairs, still wearing Jo's biker jacket and leather hat, and Harrison chuckles and tells her she looks ridic. Blair says that sometimes people need a break from perfection, then brazenly asks him why he got a sudden craving for a "sloppy Joe". It finally dawns on him that she's pissed off 'cause he took Jo to the cotillion and not her, which is confirmed when Blair wails, "How could you take her to the club?!" LOL. He chuckles and says, "I took her behind the club" which totally made me want to punch the cocky dinkwhistle in the face. Meanwhile, Jo has quietly entered the cafeteria and is clandestinely eavesdropping from a few feet away. Blair gives Harrison a narrow squint-eye and is all, "Wha-a?!" so he explains that if he had wanted to spend the evening dancing with a socially acceptable society girl at the country club, he would have taken her...however, tonight he was after a little action on the ninth green. He says Jo seems like the kind of girl who'd be into a roll in the grass, then smarmily says, "After all, I'm only human"...and from across the room, Jo is glaring at him hatefully with her arms crossed. Blair sarcastically asks him if he's too much of a gentleman to sully a debutante type like herself with his animal needs, and he's like, "Exactly! You understand!" He says she's the kind of girl men want in their future...and Blair snarkishly completes the sentiment with, "And Jo's the kind of girl men need in their past." Ah yes, the tired old Madonna-whore complex.

Harrison is startled when Jo snarkily chimes in, and Blair runs over to her and shrieks, "Do something! Take him!" When Jo refuses to budge, Blair lunges toward Harrison, and Jo restrains her until Harrison has scampered off to safety. Jo asks her whassup with her sudden burst of violence, and Blair wails, "He insulted you!" Jo explains that when you come from a poor neighborhood, guys think you're easy...and Blair wryly shares that guys assume the same thing when you're rich. Jo smilingly remarks that it's surprising they'd both have the same problem with guys, and Blair grins and jokes that they should keep this enlightening tidbit between themselves. As the studio audience claps its approval, Blair and Jo awkwardly stare at each other for a few long seconds, then grin stupidly.