Recap: Mrs. Garrett remarks that Blair is taking forever getting back from the post office...and a few seconds later, Willis from Diff'rent Strokes (who has a pointless cameo appearance in this episode) is helping Blair carry in a large delivery of boxes she just received in the mail. Blair giddily announces to everyone that she's a CC girl, and Mrs. Garrett goes, "That's fantastic!", then scrunches her face in confusion and says she has no idea what a CC girl is. Blair explains that she's Eastland's sales rep for Countess Calvert Cosmetics and that she aspires to be "the working rich" - like Gloria Vanderbilt and Jackie O. She somehow got the notion that working for a living will be an exhilarating experience, and Mrs. Garrett wryly says that by that logic, she's been exhilarated for twenty-two years. Heh.
Natalie asks Blair how she'll find time to be a CC girl, since she has the busiest social calendar of anyone on campus. Blair says she'll make the time, then pulls out a jar of face cream (or whatever) from one of her boxes and recites the CC motto - dare to be you - while staring intensely into the camera. Jo snidely remarks that her cosmetics are probably just a big pile of goop.
Later, Blair returns to the dorm, bummed that she stood at a campus display counter for two hours and sold zero cosmetics. Jo says the girls at Eastland aren't into all that "phony make up stuff", so Blair explains that her mission is to educate Eastland girls about how outer beauty enhances inner beauty. Plus, she's desperate to get rid of all the makeover kits that are stacked in her room...and, by scripted coincidence, Willis arrives to deliver more of them. Tootie gets wigged out that Willis is in their bedroom, so he tells her it's no big deal and assures her he's been in a girl's room before. He then starts rifling through their laundry basket to needlessly examine their sleepwear...and when he starts laughing at Jo's feet pajamas, she gets snarly and threatens to clip his nuts, so he wisely back pedals and tells her that he thinks feet pajamas are cool, and the two scamper off to play basketball.
Blair moans to Tootie that she can’t seem to sell anything, so Tootie attempts to help out by opening up the sales manual and reading aloud the tips that Countess Calvert has provided to her sales reps:
The manual also suggests enlisting "a walking billboard" because one great makeover can create a major buzz. Natalie suddenly enters the room, and Blair looks over at her, smiles brightly, and chirps, "Natalie!" Tootie makes a wuh? face and goes, "Natalie..?" and a confused Natalie's all, "Wha-at?!" Blair puts her arm around Natalie and says, "Let's talk about your face", refers to it as "wonderful raw material", then tells her she wants to help her reach her full beauty potential. Natalie deadpans, "Haven't I?" so Blair diplomatically tells her there's always room for improvement. Natalie mulls that over and says she'd like to highlight the cheekbones that are currently buried under several inches of pudge, so Blair tells her all the ways she's going to improve her looks and promises that once she's been transformed, they'll head off to Debbie's slumber party. Natalie sadly informs her that she wasn't invited to that party, but Blair says, "You are now" and Natalie beams with excitement at the prospect of hanging with Eastland's A-list crew.
When Blair enters the kitchen, Mrs. Garrett asks her if she's seen Natalie...and Blair grins and replies, "The question is: have you seen Natalie?!" Blair announces that they're about to meet her first Countess Calvert creation, and - ack! - in walks Natalie with several coats of makeup unflatteringly caked on her eyes, cheeks, and lips. Natalie asks Mrs. Garrett what she thinks, and Mrs. Garrett winces and looks aghast...and somehow Natalie and Blair interpret this reaction as a compliment. Tootie looks awestruck by her friend's transformation into a drag queen and goes, "Is that you? You look like a movie star!" - LOL - but Jo looks less impressed and worries that one of her false eyelashes is going to fall into the food. Blair tells everyone that she's been dragging Natalie all over campus, showing off her "walking billboard"...and Natalie interjects to happily report that Blair has made a lot of sales. Mrs. Garrett urges Natalie to hose off her face with soap and water, but Blair explains that Natalie has been advised to cleanse her face with an overpriced Countess Calvert product. The phone rings, and it's a long distance call for Blair, so she rushes off to the lounge to take it...and while that's happening, Mrs. Garrett expresses horror when she hears that Natalie paid an additional $25 for the special cleansing kit. She tells her that she could get the very same benefits by putting cheap food items on her face...or taking a shower. When Blair gets off the phone, she rushes back into the cafeteria to excitedly announce that she just spoke with Countess Calvert...and that Her Royal Stylishness is coming to Eastland to welcome her newest junior beauty ambassador. Woo hoo!
Jo asks Natalie how much money she had to cough up for all this goop, so she sheepishly says it costed her a total of $87.43. Everyone's all, "Wha-a?!" and Jo asks her how she plans on paying for it...and Natalie looks over at Tootie with a hopeful expression, but all Tootie has to offer her is a dime. (I'm confused by these girls' perpetual lack of funds. Isn't Eastland supposed to be a swanky school for kids of rich people?) Natalie uses the dime to call her mother and fibs about how she needs $87.43 for an overnight field trip...and her mom buys the fib and agrees to send her a check. When she returns to the cafeteria, Jo and Tootie glare at her all judgey-like, and Tootie tells her how disgusted she is by the "big fat ugly lie" she just told to her mom - as if it's any of her damn business. Natalie says she's only trying to help Blair be a successful saleswoman, then adds, "After all, she is my best friend." Tootie poutishly retorts, "I thought I was your best friend" so Natalie quickly says she's her best younger friend, which made Jo (and me) burst out laughing. Jo and Tootie point out that Blair's only pretending to be her best friend 'cause of all the sales she's getting out of her "walking billboard", but Natalie angrily insists, "We're best friends and we're going to stay that way!" and storms off.
Later, Jo and Tootie complain to Mrs. Garrett that Natalie is upstairs, doing strange things to her face. Mrs. Garrett acknowledges that, yeah, Natalie may have gone a little over the bend with her new makeover, then breezily declares, "But that's Natalie!" She suddenly loses interest in Natalie's wellbeing 'cause she's totes excited about meeting the countess...as is Tootie, who thinks she's very glamorous. Jo, on the other hand, couldn't care less. Mrs. Garrett starts lecturing to the girls about how they are to handle this visit with understated dignity - and suddenly Blair bursts into the cafeteria and screeches, "She's here! She's here! I can't stand it!!" A few seconds later, Zsa Zsa Gabor sweeps into the room and greets everyone with her trademark, "Hallo daahling." Blair drops to her knees to subserviently gush before the woman, and an annoyed Jo hastily lifts her back to her feet. Zsa Zsa looks Jo over and tells her she's a natural beauty with great bone structure, and Jo can't help but be flattered. Blair tells Zsa Zsa that she's Eastland's beauty ambassador and is thrilled to meet her, and Zsa Zsa chuckles in her Zsa Zsa way and says, "Ov course you ahr." Mrs. Garrett steps forward and introduces herself as the school's nutritionist, and Zsa Zsa nods approvingly and says, "You are vat you eat" and tells Tootie (who apparently hates zucchini), "Vegetables vill make you glow."
Zsa Zsa tells Blair she's the perfect girl to represent her at Eastland, and Blair scrunches her face and is like, "I know, right?" She tells Zsa Zsa what an inspiration she's always been to her, and Zsa Zsa cheekily retorts, "I know!" and says that everybody is always admiring how well and frequently she's been married.
Natalie, who's still walking around with her grisly clown face, enters the cafeteria. She sticks her arm toward Zsa Zsa and says, "I'm thrilled" and Zsa Zsa gasps at the sight of her and says, "I am speechless." Blair puts her arm around Natalie and smugly introduces her creation...and Natalie beams and says, "We knew you'd love the results." Zsa Zsa demands to know what they've done to "this poor girl's face" and a still clueless Natalie explains that Blair helped her reach her beauty potential. Tootie interjects and tattles about how much the beauty supplies are costing Natalie, and Mrs. Garrett looks alarmed and is all, "Wha-a?!" Blair explains that she's trying to become a success, so Zsa Zsa explains that makeup should make one look more beautiful, not enter drag queen territory. She then forbids any of them from using her makeup until she can come out with a new line of overpriced products that's geared specifically for young girls.
Zsa Zsa bids everyone adieu by breezily pronouncing, "Stay beautiful and young!" and elegantly sweeps out of the room...and her exit gets a long bout of clapping from the studio audience. Mrs. Garrett marvels about the woman's integrity (seriously?), and Jo snidely snarks, "Not like some people we know." Natalie gets in on that action and gripes about how some people sell you things you can't afford, so Blair sheepishly apologizes and says she was just trying to do something good. Mrs. Garrett gives her a solemn lecture about not stepping on people while climbing up the ladder of success, and Blair hangs her head in shame and says she's learned her lesson and then begs Natalie's forgiveness. Natalie orders her to grovel more, but Mrs. Garrett tut tuts her and says she's not so innocent in this...then points out that she bought the overpriced cosmetics in order to buy Blair's friendship and an undeserved entry into her vast social network. Blair offers to give Natalie a full refund for the makeup kit, and Natalie in turn promises to return the money to her mom. Mrs. Garrett tells Blair that surely she'll be successful in a different entrepreneurial venture, but Blair tells her that she's just going to stick with what she does best: spend money. The laugh track kicks in and roars heartily, underscoring what a weird message that sends to the kids out there.
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