The Facts of Life - Season 1, Episode 8

"I'm just happy I don't have to deal
with any penetration issues until Season 9."

"The Facts of Love, aka Sex Education"
Original airdate: 4/4/1980

Episode summary: Mrs. Garrett is tasked by the school board to teach a sex education class to the Eastland girls, but the decision doesn't go over well with the sexually stunted headmaster.

---

Recap: Molly scampers down the stairs and announces to no one in particular that her hormones have just been triggered, and Blair jokingly asks her if she'd like to celebrate with a big party or a small dinner. Mrs. Garrett enters the room, and Tootie blurts out in her annoyingly hammy manner, "Molly's been triggered!" Mrs. Garrett has no idea what the hell she's talking about, so Molly explains, "I've entered puberty." Mrs. Garrett congratulates her on her first menses (I assume that's what we're talking about here??), and says it arrived just in time for the sex education class she'll be teaching them tomorrow. (Wuh? Mrs. Garrett's suddenly a teacher?) Tootie says she too would like to enter puberty and impishly asks, "Where do you sign up?"

Natalie and Cindy scramble down the stairs together. Natalie's gabbling excitedly about how she saw an arm waving in her general direction from a moving vehicle...and because it was a tan, muscular arm, she assumes it was Steve's. (Reminder: Steve is the weird looking delivery guy from the previous episode). Cindy starts to look all hot and bothered, so Natalie sternly reminds her that Steve's arm belongs to her. By scripted coincidence, Steve arrives at the dorm to make a delivery, and Natalie scampers over to him and regales him with a joke: "What's green and red and goes a hundred miles an hour?" Steve stares back at her blankly and grunts, "I dunno" so Natalie delivers the punch line: "A frog in a blender!" and the laugh track goes mental on itself. Cindy reminds Natalie that they're late for class and steers her toward the door. Steve ambles over to Blair and asks her if anyone's around to sign for his delivery, and she tells him that no one's around except for her...and without warning the two cling together and start making out - ack! Mrs. Garrett enters the dorm at that very moment and is shocked at the unexpected sight of their canoodling...and when Blair and Steve sense her presence, they quickly pull away from each other. Steve acts as though he didn't just get caught tonguing Blair, pretends he barely knows her, then awkwardly flees. Blair admits to Mrs. Garrett that she and Steve are dating, then explains that she's been keeping mum about it 'cause she doesn't want to hurt Natalie's feelings. Mrs. Garrett says that's nice and all, but she's pretty sure Natalie knows she's too young for Steve [and nowhere near his league]. She asks Blair about the nature of their relationship, and Blair tells her she's very serious about Steve, but assures her there's been no hanky panky below the neck. 

Mmm...slurrrp...aahhh...

"Hanky panky much?"

"Oh hi, Mrs. Garrett! The delivery boy was just checking my, um, tonsils."

The girls are playing poker and using cookies as poker chips. Sue Ann wonders aloud what Mrs. Garrett is going to be teaching them in her sex ed class, and there's a general consensus that she'll "tell it like it is". Tootie exclaims, "Mrs. Garrett's really been around!" and Mrs. Garrett enters the room at that moment and wryly tells them they can just say she's been married before and leave it at that. Mr. Bradley bursts into the dorm and chides the girls for gambling with cookies (seriously?), then tells Mrs. Garrett he needs to speak with her in private.

The two go out onto the patio, and he shows her the textbook he wants her to use in lieu of actually talking to the girls about sex. Mrs. Garrett reminds him that she's a registered nurse and has taken all the requisite courses - wuh? she's suddenly a teacher and a nurse? - and he says he knows she's qualified and everything, but disagrees with the board for allowing Eastland to include sex education as part of the curriculum. Mrs. Garrett points out that most parents don't teach their kids anything about sex, and that it's kind of a problem 'cause kids always think they know more about sex than they really do. Mr. Bradley ignores all that and snaps, "Well, I don't like it!" and Mrs. Garrett gives him a funny look and asks, "Sex..?" and the two just stare at each other mutely until the laugh track winds down. Mr. Bradley explains that he doesn't want to provoke these girls into thinking about their sexuality while they're students on his watch, then nonsensically points out, "A lot of them are going with boys!" Mrs. Garrett is like, "Well, d'yuh" and says that boys are pretty much all most teenage girls talk about. He reminds her that she'll be teaching a touchy subject to girls of various ages and experience levels, and that because he's an uptight man-child who's totally unsuited to running a girls' school, he finds any discussion that's remotely related to human sexuality extremely unsettling. Mrs. Garrett assures the sexually stunted headmaster that she knows what she's doing when it comes to teaching young girls about the birds and the bees. 

Blair offers Sue Ann her poker cookie winnings, since she can't afford to gain an ounce if she expects to fit into her tight new jeans. Sue Ann says she has a lot more to worry about than fitting in her jeans, namely Steve. She says he has a reputation as a horndog, then exclaims, "He even dates college girls!" Blair suddenly looks crestfallen and says she didn't know that, but after mulling it over for a few seconds, she shrugs and says it's no big deal. Sue Ann reminds her that girls like them don't put out the way college girls do, so then Blair intimates that maybe her no putting out policy will change after Saturday night. Sue Ann's all, "Wha-a?!" and her eyes bug out really far when Blair tells her she might be open to a little "experimentation". Mmm..

"I'm considering doing some heavy petting with Steve on Saturday night."

"I can see your dirty pillows."

The next day, sex education class is in session. Mrs. Garrett waddles into the room and starts things off by opening the floor to questions. Natalie puts her hand up, tries her hardest not to smile while delivering her lines, and asks, "When do I cave in?" Mrs. Garrett just stares back at her mutely, so she elaborates: "Surrender. Stop saying no. Kiss my innocence goodbye." (It remains unclear to whom Natalie is so earnestly trying to avoid caving in.) Mr. Bradley enters the classroom and dickishly announces to Mrs. Garrett that he's going to observe them as they talk about their sexuality. She immediately gets all discombobulated and asks the girls, "Where were we..?" and Cindy springs up and says, "We were talking about your first time." Mr. Bradley looks perplexed and asks, "First time for what?" then suddenly remembers he's in a sex ed class and goes, "Oooohh.." Sue Ann stands up and sanctimoniously declares that the only man she's ever going to doink is her future husband, so then Blair wryly tells her she'll be the only one waiting until marriage. She insists, "Guys do not wait" then directs her attention to the halfwit headmaster and asks, "Do they, Mr. Bradley?" The girls all turn to stare at him, and he looks bewildered and mutters that they should read the textbook if they want to learn about sex. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in annoyance and tells him that the girls are welcome to ask her anything they want, so Sue Ann gets up again and says that her mom once told her that men are supposed to have more experience than women. Blair's like, "Well that's dumb. Who are they supposed to get their experience with? Tinkerbell?" and Sue Ann swivels her head all judgey-like and snaps, "You'd know that better than I would, Blair" and the rest of the class oohs and awws at her self-righteous sass. Blair once again puts the ball in Mr. Bradley's court and says, "There's a man in the class, let's ask him." Please. That guy is not a man. Case in point: when he's put on the spot by Blair a second time to address the girls' curiosity about the male perspective, he just stares into space like a deer in headlights, then checks his watch and abruptly announces he has to leave.

After he scurries out, Mrs. Garrett tells the girls they should consider when and why they need to think about physical intimacy. Sue Ann says she's in no rush and declares, "Whatever I have to learn, my husband will teach me on my honeymoon." Molly scrunches her face disapprovingly and says she doesn't trust a system where a man knows more than she does, then says she wants to be the one who teaches the man a few tricks in bed. Mrs. Garrett smiles indulgently at that needless revelation and applauds her spunk. Blair then points out the obvious, which is that in order for girls to be able to teach men a few tricks in bed, they need to have experimented a little, and Sue Ann snaps, "Speak for yourself, Blair." Blair somehow resists the urge to smack her and says that everybody knows sex is the most important thing in a marriage, and the girls simultaneously argue about whether or not that's true, blah blah.. Mrs. Garrett yells at them to shut their pie holes, then says it's just as important to be friends in a marriage. Blair asks how you're supposed to know if you're compatible if you haven't "shopped around", and Sue Ann insists she'll somehow "just know", then derisively calls Blair "a comparison shopper". Mrs. Garrett mercifully switches gears and starts babbling about self-esteem, and the girls furiously jot the words in their notebooks. LOL. Mrs. Garrett says that however far they push the sexual envelop, they should do it for themselves...and Sue Ann concurs and bitchily adds, "Yeah! Some girls go too far 'cause they think it's the only way to hold onto a guy." Out of nowhere, Nancy lets out a big sigh and mutters, "Or sometimes they just get worn down by his begging and pleading." Yikes. Sounds like the Nancy/Roger situation requires an episode of its own to fully sort out that dysfunction. Mrs. Garrett urges Nancy to hold firm, then likens sex to poker: pubescent girls are given a big pile of chips when they're too young and foolish to know what to do with them. She advises the girls to keep the stakes low until they have a better idea of what they're doing.

"I plan on being a wildcat in the sack and teaching men what turns me on."

"That's a visual I don't think any of us needed."

After class, Blair asks Sue Ann to cover for her on Saturday night...and by cover she means sign her in if she misses curfew while out with Steve. Tootie, who's standing in the doorway of the classroom, eavesdrops on the conversation and looks upset at the mention of Steve. Sue Ann agrees to cover for Blair and excitedly asks her if Steve is taking her somewhere romantic. That's weird...wasn't Sue Ann sanctimoniously slut-shaming her in front of everyone, like one minute ago? Blair tells her that she and Steve have plans to hang out in his brother's custom van (classy!), and needlessly adds that he calls it his "love machine"...and Sue Ann is so shocked by the nickname that she drops all of her books. She really has issues.

On Saturday afternoon, Blair tells Sue Ann she's super excited about her date with Steve and hopes he likes her in her new jeans. Sue Ann prudishly advises her to keep her jeans on 'cause she heard that Steve moves really fast. Tootie rolls in the room, gives Blair the stink-eye, and snarks, "Oh. It's you" and says she thought she'd already left to "steal Natalie's man". Blair explains to the imp that Natalie was never Steve's girl, and reminds her that Natalie is thirteen and Steve is eighteen...so any unholy coupling there would be illegal. She insists that Steve's more like a brother to her, nothing more, but Tootie sneeringly retorts that she knew she'd have some flimsy excuse. Natalie suddenly enters the room and compliments Blair's hair, which was weird, and Tootie gives Blair another stink-eye and calls her Jezebel, then urges Natalie to go upstairs with her. A clueless Natalie shrugs and obediently toddles after her. Sue Ann wishes Blair a good time on her date, then warns her once again to keep her pants on.

Blair and Steve are sitting in the love machine, eating takeout and listening to music. She tells him how super cool the van is, and he says he'd like to show her the back area. Blair's like, "The back..?" and looks hesitant, and an oblivious Steve strips off his jacket and reveals his too-tight t-shirt, which causes the studio audience to hoot and woot. Blair crawls to the back of the van with him, and he hands her a ginormous wrestling medallion and explains that he wants her to wear it always. She raises her eyebrows and repeats, "Always..?" and he's like, "D'yuh" and then starts gabbling about his future ambition: to be the wrestling coach at Peekskill High School. Blair's like, "Whatever" and then leans in to make out...but he abruptly stops the kissing and tells her he wants to discuss their long range plans, which include the two of them going steady. She looks at him in surprise and says that things are great the way they are - plus, she wants to be available to other boys for the two dances coming up, as well as her upcoming summer vacation at a dude ranch. LOL. Steve scrunches his dumb looking face and says, "I'm a little slow" - bwahaha! - "but I think I'm getting the picture." He grumps about how he's getting the polite run-around from her, then accuses her of playing games and not wanting him around for anything permanent. Well duh, isn't Blair, like fifteen years old in this episode?? She looks exasperated and snarks, "Who plans that far?!" and says she just wants them to have a little fun together. He mulls that over for a few seconds, then asks, "That's all you want?" and pushes her down on the floor of the van, then mounts her. She protests, "Stop it!" and the camera abruptly pans out to give viewers an external shot of the van, strongly suggesting that the episode has taken a perilous turn into date rape territory. Yikes.

"Since you're little more than a male bimbo, I thought we'd just have some harmless fun together."

"I may be slow in my head, but I'm sensing that you're not interested in being my steady gal."

Mr. Bradley storms into the dorm and snarls at Mrs. Garrett, "It's all on your head!" She tells him she has no idea what the hell he's talking about, so he informs her that one of their girls is in police custody. The other girls are all, "Wha-a?!" and Mr. Bradley says it's Blair, and that she's OK. Apparently, the police picked her up with some guy and are bringing her home. Natalie says there's no reason to worry, since Steve won't get Blair into any kind of trouble and Tootie's all, "Wha-a?!" when she realizes that Natalie knows about Steve's/Blair's relationship. Natalie nods amiably and says that Steve told her all about their budding romance...and Mr. Bradley finally twigs onto the fact that Steve is the weird looking delivery guy that struts around in too-tight t-shirts "as if everyone's in love with him". Cindy gets a dreamy look on her mug and says, "We are" and then Tootie needlessly adds, "And he's got a vaaaan." 

Blair arrives at the dorm and assures everyone she's OK. Mr. Bradley asks her what happened, and she tells him that she and Steve were parked at "make out mountain", and that Steve got a parking ticket when he tore out of the parking lot after their "talk". (That makes absolutely no sense, but...whatever.) Blair then tells Mr. Bradley he has to vouch for her identity with the police, so he exits the dorm to take care of that. She then tells Mrs. Garrett she was so right when she was talking about self-esteem, pride, and not rushing things...and Mrs. Garrett beams happily and says she's proud of her. Blair says that Steve wanted to take things slow, but when she told him he was too dumb for her to want to go steady with, she says, "He tried to do the wrong thing...and got mad and raced off." By do the wrong thing, I assume she means aggressively manhandle, but who the hell knows where the writers thought they were going when they wrote the last part of that van scene??  Tootie self-centeredly retorts that she's lucky she doesn't have to think about this stuff for several more years. Blair tells Mrs. Garrett she learned something new tonight, which is that she has a lot more to learn...and Mrs. Garrett smiles approvingly and says, "Good! See you in class tomorrow." The two hug, and then Blair rushes over to Natalie and begs for her forgiveness for going out with Steve and not telling her. Natalie assures her there's nothing to forgive, then dramatically flips her hair and says, "I knew he'd be back!" which, considering the date rape implication, was such a weird and nonsensical way to end the episode.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---