The Facts of Life - Season 1, Episode 4

"Hmm...this list doesn't say who the
rudest, cheekiest girl at Eastland is."

"I.Q."
Original airdate: 9/14/1979

Episode summary: Tootie finds a confidential list of IQ scores and shows it to the rest of the girls, and soon everyone believes that Nancy is the smartest girl in school...and that Sue Ann is the dumbest.  

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Recap: Mrs. Garrett enters the dorm and remarks on how quiet it is. Natalie, Cindy and Nancy, who are sitting on the couch studying, sshhh her and remind her that it's exam time. Blair and Sue Ann emerge from the kitchen with a gigantic plate of food, and Blair jokes that she now has enough sustenance to hit the books. The rest of the girls descend on the food like a pack of hungry wolves, then scramble upstairs. Nancy asks Sue Ann if she'd help her study, and when Blair snarks at her for being too dependent on Sue Ann, Nancy explains that she considers her her security blanket when it comes to schoolwork. Mr. Bradley enters the dorm, then glances around and asks where everyone is, and Mrs. Garrett tells him they're upstairs studying. She then tells him she's studying for her pilot's licence (a truly scary thought) and says she made the decision to learn how to fly because the idea of soaring thousands of feet in the air scares the crap out of her. Er...OK. Miss Mahoney and her fuzzy 'do enter the room...and she hands Mr. Bradley a copy of tomorrow's history test, along with another envelop that was delivered to her by mistake. He opens it and explains that it's the girls' IQ scores from when they were in grade school, then proudly says they're a smart bunch. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion and asks him how useful this dated info could possibly be, so Mr. Bradley explains that by the fifth grade, kids tend to reach their permanent IQ level. Miss Mahoney agrees and assures Mrs. Garrett that it's all good 'cause the girls never actually see their scores. Tootie suddenly rolls in and crashes into Mr. Bradley - and all the papers he's holding fly out of his hands and scatter onto the floor. She says that the geometry teacher sent her 'cause she needs someone to supervise her class while she takes a pee break. Miss Mahoney says she has to get back to her biology lab and beats a hasty retreat, so Mr. Bradley decides he'll cover the pee break and asks Mrs. Garrett to cover the phones in his office. (Is anyone covering them now??) After they leave, Tootie spots a piece of paper lying on the floor and realizes it's the IQ list. She stares it, her eyes widening dramatically as she quickly deduces which of her classmates is the smartest...and which is the dumbest.

Upstairs, Nancy is having trouble understanding the Louisiana Purchase, so Sue Ann recites from memory a general summary of the acquisition. Tootie suddenly rolls in the room and announces, "I have a secret that none of us is supposed to know!" She brags about knowing who the smartest girl in school is, and Nancy's like, "Duh, it's Sue Ann." Tootie tells her it's definitely not Sue Ann...so then Blair chimes in and says it couldn't possibly be her - since, in addition to her gorgeousness, she has so many other great things going for her. Tootie mockingly agrees and says it's not her, and the laugh track cackles heartily. Tootie reveals that the smartest girl is...wait for it: Nancy! Nancy looks stunned and is all, "Wha-a?!" and doesn't think that could be right. Molly asks Tootie how she could possibly know this, so Tootie explains that she found the IQ list and that it was marked 'confidential'...so naturally she rolled right over to spill the beans and embarrass the low scorers. Everyone crowds around to look at the list, but Tootie orders them to back off and says she'll let them see their own score, one at a time. Cindy and Molly look happy enough with their IQs, while Nancy is shocked by her high number. Natalie sees hers and exclaims that she and Tootie have exactly the same IQ, then shrieks, "I knew we were soul sisters!" and the two grab hands and shake while the laugh track goes wild for what seems like a looong time. Molly grabs the list from Tootie, looks it over, then blurts out, "I can't believe it! Sue Ann has the lowest IQ on the list!" Sue Ann then grabs the list from her, checks her score and looks despondent. She bitterly congratulates Nancy for being so smart, so Nancy tries to assure her that an IQ test they took ten years ago couldn't possibly matter anymore [um...d'yuh], but Sue Ann tears up and wails, "That's easy for you to say!" Molly chirps, "Don't be upset because you're the dumbest girl in school" and then goes off on a stupid tangent about how she once knew someone who was dumber than Sue Ann who now makes his living as a dog-catcher in New Jersey. I'm thinkin' that Molly may not have the lowest IQ of the girls, but she's definitely the rudest and most dickish. Nancy reminds Sue Ann that she's always gotten good grades and assures her that "this IQ thing" isn't going to change anything. Natalie and Tootie then offer to tutor Sue Ann, and Tootie cheekily bellows, "It'll cost you!" which forces me to take back what I just said about Molly, 'cause it's pretty clear that Tootie is at least as equally rude and dickish as she is. Mrs. Garrett enters the room clutching her flight manual and asks Sue Ann if she can help her figure out a math problem, and Sue Ann cries that she came to the wrong person for help, then runs out sobbing. Mrs. Garrett scrunches face in confusion and asks whassup, so Tootie sheepishly hands her the IQ list. She then tries to make a break for it, but Mrs. Garrett stops her, and Tootie correctly assumes she's going to have to roll down to Mr. Bradley's office and face the music.

"According to this list, Sue Ann is the dumbest dumbass at Eastland!"

"Shit. I really am the dumbassest."

Sue Ann drops by to visit Mrs. Garrett. She apologizes for being rude earlier, then asks her if Tootie's going to be punished for blabbing the IQ scores to everyone. Mrs. Garrett tells her that Tootie has to write I shall not be nosey 500x on the blackboard, then chuckles and says that that should keep the little imp busy for at least a few minutes. Sue Ann starts crying and laments about how she's the dumbest person in school and everyone knows it. Mrs. Garrett shifts the conversation to herself and tells her she's about to fly solo for the first time, then wonders how she should react if Tootie were to suddenly give her a low IQ score. She scrunches her face, makes a WTF gesture, and barks, "So what?!" She reminds Sue Ann that she's an excellent student and assures her, "There's nothing to this IQ thing", but Sue Ann wails that the IQ thing isn't a problem if everybody knows you're at the top of the list. Well...true enough.

"How does it feel knowing everyone thinks you're a silly bubble-head?"

"You get used to it."

Blair peeks over Nancy's shoulder as she studies...and when Nancy notices her, she grabs her books and pulls away. Blair says, "Come on, share your brain", but Nancy complains that people keep bugging her about her smarts and the pressure is getting to her. Blair tells her to be proud to be Number One, but Nancy says she preferred it when people thought Sue Ann was the smartest. Blair fluffs out her hair and says she doesn't get all out of whack when people tell her how gorgeous she is, but Nancy just shoots her the stink-eye and kicks her out of the room.

Later, Nancy is sitting on the couch downstairs, violently turning the pages of one of her textbooks. Sue Ann enters the room and asks her if Miss Mahoney posted the exam results yet, and Nancy bitchily retorts, "What are you asking me for? You've got eyes." Sue Ann tells her to just answer the question since she's the smartest girl in school and all. Nancy wails that she panicked during the exam and pretty much guessed at all the questions, but Sue Ann looks unconvinced and tells her to "come off it" and that everyone knows she's a brain. Nancy gets teary and says she's sick and tired of hearing how high her IQ is, so then Sue Ann starts wailing about how she wishes she had her problem...and then both agree that they liked the way things were before Tootie spilled the beans. Nancy cries, "I can't handle being up there all by myself!" and Sue Ann counters, "It's miserable being down here." Blair enters the dorm, chides the two sourpusses for looking so intense, then loudly claps her hands and says, "Exams come and go...worry lines last forever" then stops to admire herself in the mirror and assure her reflection that it doesn't need to worry about worry lines. Mrs. Garrett enters the room and declares in her sing-songy way that she's off to take her solo flight test. She asks Nancy and Sue Ann to wish her luck, then realizes they're both mutely locked in their respective miseries. She asks them whassup, and they tell her they think they bombed on their history exam...and Mrs. Garrett says she's sure that's not the case. Miss Mahoney enters the room to post the exam results, so Mrs. Garrett asks her to please assure Nancy and Sue Ann that they did fine, but Miss Mahoney gives both girls a somber look and tells them they really stunk it up. Nancy outright failed the exam, and Miss Mahoney says it looked like she guessed at half the answers. She tells Sue Ann she doesn't know where her mind was, then gives the two another disappointed glare before ambling off. Mrs. Garrett says the whole IQ score thing is to blame, but Sue Ann says it would best if she drops out of Eastland...and a second later, Nancy makes the same pronouncement.   

"How badly did we do on the exam?"

"On a scale of one to stink: you both stunk!"

Tootie's in one of the classrooms, writing I shall not be nosey...well, actually she wrote it out twice and is now just putting ditto marks below. Mr. Bradley enters, grins at the precocious little imp, then tells her that ditto marks are not satisfactory and orders her to start over. She slowly turns around, milking the comedic moment for everything she could possibly squeeze out of it, then retorts, "Can I help it if I'm years ahead of my time?" and the laugh track goes berserk. 

"Ditto marks...heehee. You're lucky you are so adorable, you rascally little scamp!"

"I'm trying my hardestest!"

Mrs. Garrett enters the room with Nancy and Sue Ann in tow and tells Mr. Bradley the two want to drop out of Eastland. He's all, "Wuh?!" so Nancy complains that she can't handle the pressure of everyone thinking she's the smartest girl in school, and Sue Ann says she's too dumb to be at Eastland. Mrs. Garrett blames their angst on the IQ debacle, but Mr. Bradley suddenly turns into a complete dick and says it's really no great harm if the girls know their IQ scores. In fact, it's good for the dimwits to know they have a low IQ so they know they have to push harder to do well. He pauses, then stares over at Sue Ann and asks, "I'm not going too fast for you, am I Sue Ann?” Sue Ann, who somehow resists the urge to punch him in the face, gets upset and wails that he’s just as bad as everyone else. She cries that she's ashamed of her IQ and hates that everyone knows what it is...and then Nancy starts wailing that everyone expects too much from her. 

Miss Mahoney enters the classroom and asks whassup, so Mr. Bradley fills her in. Mrs. Garrett suggests to Mr. Bradley that he share his IQ with the girls, and when he says he doesn't remember the number, she challenges him to take the test along with her. Miss Mahoney thinks that's a great idea, and says she just happens to have a copy of an IQ test and could administer it to them right now...and so Mr. Bradley and Mrs. Garrett take their seats and start taking it. Mrs. Garrett looks totally confident...though it really just looks like she's doodling instead of writing legible answers to each question. Mr. Bradley gets nervous and starts to sweat, then tries to look at Mrs. Garrett's paper. He gets frustrated and rattled to the point that he abruptly declares the test is over, then blurts out, "IQ tests don't mean a thing!" and Mrs. Garrett studies him and murmurs, "Mmm...interesting." Mr. Bradley then concedes it's totally possible for a person to do poorly on an IQ test and not be a complete moron, and Mrs. Garrett and Miss Mahoney concur that a high or low IQ score has nothing to do with how smart or successful a person will become in life. Sue Ann and Nancy are finally, mercifully convinced that IQ doesn't matter, and they ask Miss Mahoney if they can retake the history midterm now that they're suddenly no longer angst-ridden. Miss Mahoney says she'd be happy to retest them, and the girls are confident they'll ace it. Nancy predicts she'll get a 95%, and Sue Ann says she'll try for a 96%...and both are happy to have everything settle back to normal.

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