The Facts of Life - Season 1, Episode 13

"Golly geezers, but this is some good shit."

"Dope"
Original airdate: 6/11/1980

Episode summary: In this very special season finale, Sue Ann feels pressured to smoke pot to fit in with a popular clique, while Blair looks on disapprovingly...and the shit hits the fan when Tootie and Natalie buy bongs and Tootie explains to Mrs. Garrett that she got the idea when she saw one in the popular girls' dorm room.

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Recap: Blair tells Sue Ann that even though they're BFFs, she's not authorized to tell her "the secret". (That's weird - I thought Sue Ann and Cindy were the big BFFs of the dorm, as evidenced in the Running episode.) Sue Ann promises not to let on to anyone that she knows the secret, so Blair reveals, "I got you into The Group. With me!" Sue Ann giddily retorts, "Fantastic!" but then Blair warns her that Tumpy -  The Group's leader (and no, that wasn't a typo, her name really is Tumpy) - will be dropping by the dorm momentarily to officially admit her into the exclusive clique. Sue Ann asks Blair if it was hard to convince Tumpy to accept her, and Blair says, "Not after I paid them five thousand dollars." Tootie suddenly pops up from behind the couch and exclaims, "Five thousand dollars?!" then looks sheepish at being caught brazenly eavesdropping. She makes up a hammy, nonsensical excuse about why she was crouched behind the couch, blah blah...and Sue Ann finally just tells the obnoxious imp to beat it. Blair tells Sue Ann she was just kidding about the five thousand dollars, and Sue Ann asks her what it'll be like to be in The Group, since the members all seem so "fast and snobby". She asks Blair if they're aware of what a major bumpkin she is, and Blair's like "D'yuh" but then says she stopped short of telling them she's from Kansas City. I guess it'd be too much Midwest wholesomeness for the snotty Eastland crowd to handle. Blair tells her they're meeting in Tumpy's room later, then warns her not to act shocked. Sue Ann scrunches her face and asks her why she'd be shocked, but before Blair can explain, Molly, Natalie, and Cindy enter the room. After Blair loudly shushes Sue Ann, Natalie remarks that ever since Blair became a member of The Group, she's been acting very secretive...but Molly and Cindy don't seem to give much of a rat's ass 'bout that, and the three girls quickly head out. 

Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Bradley enter the dorm as they discuss the possibility of buying a stereo system for the common area. Mr. Bradley says he expects them to play a broad spectrum of music, not just disco, so Mrs. Garrett assures him she'll mix in some classical music in between Bee Gees songs. As Mr. Bradley heads out, he runs into two Eastland students we've never seen before: Tumpy, along with her sidekick, who's played by a young Helen Hunt. Tumpy announces to Sue Ann, "You're one of us!" and when Sue Ann overdramatizes her level of surprise, Tumpy looks over at Blair and wryly asks, "You told her?" and Blair sheepishly nods. Luckily, Tumpy doesn't seem to be too upset over it and tells Sue Ann and Blair, "We'll see you tonight!" and then she and Helen Hunt head out again. Sue Ann asks Blair to explain what she meant when she told her she shouldn't be shocked by The Group, so Blair pulls out lipstick from her purse...only it's not really lipstick, but rather an empty tube she's currently using as a hiding place for a joint. Sue Ann gasps and exclaims, "Mari-" and Blair forcibly shushes her, so she lowers her voice several notches and whispers, "...juana?!!" LOL. A shocked Sue Ann asks Blair if she smokes pot, and Blair says she doesn't; however, pretty much everyone else in The Group is a major pothead. Blair then gets oddly bravado-ish about her pot smoking pals and puts her arm around Sue Ann and tells her, "And tonight, we're part of The Group." Duhn duhn duhn! The scene fades to black with Sue Ann holding the joint in front of her and staring at it concernedly. LOL.

"Good news - I got you in The Group!"

"One thing - don't get all square and uppity when The Groupsters light up their fatties."

Natalie and Tootie report to Mrs. Garrett that Blair and Sue Ann are about to head off to Tumpy's room, better known as "snob city", but Mrs. Garrett's just like, "Whatever" 'cause she's busy looking at catalogues and picking out a stereo to buy for the common room. Blair and Sue Ann come downstairs and head off to Tumpy's, and then Tootie does a hammy one-person schtick, illustrating what it's like to be snooty and in The Group, and everyone hoots and hollers at the tiny girl's sass. Nancy comes downstairs and sourly announces that she has a date with Roger. Mrs. Garrett asks her whassup with her bad mood, so Tootie needlessly interjects and says her sources (meaning her ears from eavesdropping) told her that Nancy is upset because Blair couldn't get her into The Group. Mrs. Garrett cheers her up with a story about when she was once snubbed by a popular clique, and Nancy immediately realizes how silly it all is, and the two go off in search for a flower to put in her hair (like, they really actually do go off in search of a hair flower). Tootie tells Natalie they should start their own exclusive clique - but first they need to find out some of the "secret stuff" the popular girls do. Tootie tells Natalie she already knows the secret knock to get into Tumpy's room and smugly demonstrates it on the coffee table.

Blair and Sue Ann arrive at Tumpy's room, which has fantastic shag carpeting. Tumpy is acting all spacey and slurring her words, as is Helen Hunt...and there's also an extra, who's slumped in a corner of the bed and wasn't given any lines. Sue Ann chirps, "It's great to be part of The Group!" and Tumpy laughs and asks, "Do you do grass?" Sue Ann makes a lame joke about how she knows that the grass she's talking about isn't the same as lawn grass, and the spaced out girls laugh heartily. Tumpy asks Blair for the joint she gave her earlier, so Blair fishes it out of her fake lipstick tube. Helen Hunt suddenly blurts out that she spots a roach, and Blair is all, "Ack!" assuming she's referring to an insect. Tumpy explains that a roach is what's left of a joint, and Blair chuckles and pretends she's all drug savvy and knew that. Helen Hunt moves on from needlessly focusing on the roach and suggests they light the bong [I'm pretty sure so that viewers can get the hang of some popularly used pot lingo], and Sue Ann comes right out and tells The Groupsters that she's not really into smoking marijuana.

Someone does the secret knock, and Tumpy walks over to the door and says it's probably fellow Groupster, Bitsy - but then Tootie unexpectedly rolls in. She looks around the room admiringly and remarks, "So this is how the other half lives." Sue Ann asks her what she's doing here, so she pretends she needs to discuss with them the stereo that Mrs. Garrett wants to buy for the dorm. Tumpy says that Mrs. Garrett is welcome to buy her stereo for $170, and Blair's all, "Wha-a?!" and reminds her that it's a super expensive German stereo her father bought for her. Tumpy puts her arm around Tootie and slurs, "What's money between friends?" so Tootie asks her if this means she's in The Group, but Tumpy says no - she just needs the cash. Tootie spots Helen Hunt's bong on the table, picks it up, and asks Tumpy what she hits it with to make it go bong...and Tumpy starts laughing hysterically and calls her a riot. Blair thinks fast and tells Tootie that the bong is for storing jelly beans, but Tumpy says they should show Tootie what a bong is really for and lights it. Blair quickly blows out the flame and snaps, "She's too young for that!" and Tootie scrunches her face in confusion and asks, "To burn jelly beans?" Blair tells her it's time for her to leave, then forcibly rolls her out of the room.

Blair asks Tumpy what the hell's wrong with her, offering a kid Tootie's age pot...and Tumpy slurs, "I was jus' kidding" then assures Sue Ann that she's going to looove grass. She space-ily tells her that "turning on" makes you have clear, fully formed...and Blair finishes off the sentence with the word thoughts - and Helen Hunt chimes in and tells her that pot can give you, like, bursts of creativity. Sue Ann mulls that over and tells the potheads she has to write a twenty page book report on Moby Dick (twenty pages - seriously?!) and asks if pot might help with that. Tumpy says, "Here's your answer" then takes a long puff of her reefer. She remarks that it's not bad weed, but with her stereo money, she plans on buying some way better Hawaiian shit. She then thrusts the joint in Blair's face and orders her to take a puff - but a jittery looking Blair says she'll just wait for the higher quality Hawaiian stuff. Tumpy calls her a chicken, and Blair hotly denies being a chicken (LOL) and says she just has no interest in being spaced out, giggling at stupid jokes, and not being able to finish a thought. She announces she's leaving and urges Sue Ann to come with her...so The Groupsters retaliate by telling Sue Ann that she's welcome to stay and spend the evening puffing on some doobies with them. They add that she doesn't have to do what Blair says, then pretend they like her for her - not just 'cause she's Blair's friend. Sue Ann lights up and chirps, "Thanks!" and Blair narrows her eyes at Tumpy and calls her a sneak for flattering the dimwit just so she'll stay and smoke with them. Sue Ann takes offence and declares to Blair that she's not her puppet, and Tumpy thrusts her joint in Sue Ann's direction and says, "It's no big deal!" Sue Ann replies, "You're right - one time isn't going to kill me." (Um, no...it most likely won't.) Sue Ann grabs the joint and starts puffing away defiantly, and Blair gets so upset that she closes her eyes as if to block out the horrifically hilarious image of Sue Ann eagerly sucking back a hit of dope.

"Would marijuana help me write a twenty page book report on Moby Dick?"

"Meh. I'm going to need something a lot harder than this to write twenty pages on that schlock."

Mrs. Garrett, Molly, and Cindy are looking over the stereo that Eastland just purchased from Tumpy. Molly says she's shocked that Tumpy sold it for a mere $170, and Mrs. Garrett concurs and says she got a signed note from Tumpy's mother giving permission for the transaction. Sue Ann and Blair scramble downstairs...and Blair asks her if she feels OK after her wild night of pot puffing, and Sue Ann says she's fine and that she finished her book report in half an hour last night. Blair's like, "Twenty pages in thirty minutes?!" and Sue Ann nods proudly and brags about how brilliant her book report is. She then shares her excitement about her brilliance with Mrs. Garrett and asks her for her opinion, so Mrs. Garrett looks over her book report...and is puzzled that it appears to have one sentence on each page and refers to the whale as a marshmallow sundae. [This report seems way more like the result of a very drunk person, not someone who took a few puffs of pot.] Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion, then laughs and jokingly asks, "What have you been smoking?" and Sue Ann's all, "Ack!" and wigs out, and Blair hustles her out of the dorm before Mrs. Garrett realizes she just hit the nail on the head. It remains unclear why Sue Ann didn't at least glance at her book report when she sobered up before handing it to Mrs. Garrett. 

Tootie and Natalie return to the dorm and excitedly tell Mrs. Garrett that they went to the record store and bought three bongs. Tootie places them on the table in front of Mrs. Garrett, and Mrs. Garrett picks one up, scrunches her face while she studies it, and asks the two idiots if they know what these are used for. Tootie says it's for jelly beans, and Natalie says she plans to put root beer in hers, since it comes with a built-in straw. Heh. Mrs. Garrett looks puzzled and asks them why they bought these, so Tootie tells her that since they can't make the cut to be in The Group, they at least want to have some of the same stuff...and then Tootie totally spills the beans and says she saw a bong in Tumpy's room. Mrs. Garrett sternly tells her that bongs are used for smoking pot, then gets angry and says she's shocked that anyone in a record store would sell "this garbage" to kids. Tootie's all, "Wha-a?!" and swears she had no idea what it was used for, and Mrs. Garrett believes her ('cause...well d'yuh), but thinks the girls in The Group are well aware of its purpose. She warns Tootie and Natalie not to breathe a word about this to anyone until she tattles on the pot smokers to Mr. Bradley...and this is the perfect set up for Tootie to unleash her catchphrase, "There's going to be troouu-ble" and Natalie gets in on that action and adds, "Make that a doouu-ble." 

"Here, Mrs. Garrett - we bought you a decorative bong."

"This is used for smoking dope, ya dumb rubes."

Mr. Bradley is in the process of searching all the dorm rooms when Blair and Sue Ann return home and ask whassup. He tells them he's inspecting everyone's rooms, and when Blair asks him what he's looking for, he stares back at her and snaps, "Dope." LOL. He informs her and Sue Ann that he found marijuana in Tumpy's room and expelled her and Helen Hunt (and presumably the extra who was slumped in the bed)...and Mrs. Garrett laments about how heartbreaking it is. Mr. Bradley orders Blair to dump the contents of her purse on the table, which can't possibly be legal...but she does it anyway. He picks up her lipstick and quickly realizes that it's an empty tube. He stares at her suspiciously and asks her what she hides in there, and she just shrugs casually and says, "Mad money." He seems satisfied with that response and says that all the girls in this dorm passed the inspection. He then remarks on how stunned he is that any girl at Eastland would get caught smoking dope, then stalks out of the room...and out of Facts of Life viewers' lives forever - yippee!! Mrs. Garrett confiscates the bongs that Tootie and Natalie bought and says she's going to the record store to return "the merchandise" and that it's going to be a painful transaction when she finds out who sold them to two underage rubes and then shoves them straight up that person's asshole.

"I'll give you the straight dope: I'm looking for dope."

"Well...you're definitely not going to find anything illegal concealed inside my fake lipstick tube."

Sue Ann is like, "Whew! That was a close call!" then asks Blair what she did with the joint that was in her lipstick tube. Blair says she got rid of it after watching her get high last night...which - nice try, writers - but as I recall, Blair was asked by Tumpy to hand it over as soon as she and Sue Ann arrived in her dorm room. Blair decrees that from now on, she's just going to stick to being "high on me" and admires herself in the mirror...and Sue Ann admits that it was really stupid to smoke pot just to make the girls in The Group like her.

Mrs. Garrett returns to the room with Tootie and Natalie in tow. She's still railing on and on about the expulsion, and the pot smoking girls who got busted. She barks, "I'm damned mad!" and warns Blair and Sue Ann that if she ever catches them doing anything as stupid as that - but Blair cuts her off and soberly assures her, "You won't." Sue Ann adds, "Fer sure." Meanwhile, Tootie doesn't know what to do with the big bag of jelly beans she bought to store in her bong, and all the girls fall into a group hug and snack on the sugary candy.

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