The Facts of Life - Season 1, Episode 12

Recap: The girls are all packed up and ready to leave Eastland for what I assume is their spring break - even though the timing's all weird 'cause this episode originally aired in June. Molly's lounging on the couch in one of her fugly pants-with-matching-suspenders outfits, and Mrs. Garrett tells her to bring her luggage downstairs and reminds her that her dad is picking her up any minute. The phone rings, and it's Dr. Parker (Molly's dad)...and Mrs. Garrett answers the call and tells Molly it's for her. Molly tells her to tell her dad she's not there, then runs halfway up the stairs...and Mrs. Garrett's all, "Wuh?" and asks Dr. Parker to hold for a minute, then orders Molly to take the call. Molly marches over to the phone, takes the receiver from Mrs. Garrett, and slams it down. A bewildered Mrs. Garrett asks her whassup, so Molly screeches, "I hate him!" then blurts out the story about how her dad moved out and intends to divorce her mother...and this week it's his turn to spend vacation time with her, but she has no intention of going with him. Mrs. Garrett looks discombobulated and tries to process everything Molly just told her...and when the phone rings again, Molly once more refuses to answer it and runs out of the dorm. Tootie answers the phone and needlessly tells Dr. Parker about a pain she has in her back...and is dismayed to learn that he's an orthodontist (womp womp!) Molly runs back inside the dorm through the back door - and is in close pursuit by Mrs. Garrett, who finally throws in the towel and tells Dr. Parker that she can't seem to find Molly. After she hangs up, she shrieks, "Mollllly!" and tells her that her dad will be arriving in ten minutes. Molly petulantly replies that she doesn't want to "go into custody" with her dad, then scampers upstairs. Nancy and Cindy offer to counsel the bowl-haired moppet about her parents' breakup - but Blair interjects and says she's been through three divorces and should be the one to do the counselling, since she's somewhat of an authority on the subject.

Mr. Bradley enters the dorm dressed in an odd cowboy get-up and excitedly announces to Mrs. Garrett that he's off to Club Med in Hawaii for the week. (It's unclear why he opted not to wear something more appropriate for his tropical destination - like a Hawaiian shirt, khakis, and a pair of sandals.) He says he really needs a vacay far away from his headmastering duties at Eastland, and is hopeful he'll meet a woman and maybe get a little. [If he continues with his bizarre clothing choices, I wouldn't hold my breath.] Mrs. Garrett informs him that they have a code red crisis on their hands: Molly's parents are divorcing, and Molly refuses to talk about it and doesn't want to spend the school break with her father. Egads! Mr. Bradley doesn't give a rat's ass and says he just hopes that Molly's bills will continue to be paid by at least one of her parents. Mrs. Garrett wails that he needs to somehow interject himself into this situation, but Mr. Bradley tells her that divorce is a family issue and that it isn't his place to meddle in a parent-child relationship - which is...well d'yuh - but I'm curious why he didn't apply this sensible rationale when he insisted on meddling in Natalie's private family issues during the Adoption episode. He says he has a plane to catch and heads out, leaving Mrs. Garrett to deal with Molly's family's crisis solo.

Nancy assures Molly she'll get used to having divorced parents, but Molly doubts she will. Sue Ann laments about how sad it is that the Parkers are divorcing, but Blair disagrees. She says if Molly's mother marries an older man, he could make a really great step-father...and Cindy points out that if her dad's girlfriend is young enough [and cuts a boyish enough figure], they can share the same clothes! Sue Ann wails that it's awful, and brags about how her wholesome parents would never consider getting a divorce. Blair ridicules her and her parents for being lame Kansas bumpkins, and says that divorce is a totally normal thing. She tells Molly it's really not so bad, 'cause with divorce comes a lot of guilt presents. Sue Ann insists that it's better when people stay married, and then she and Blair start bickering about marriage and values, blah blah. Natalie chimes in and tells Molly that her parents were on the verge of splitting up until she faked an illness. Apparently, they were so affected by how weak and sickly she appeared that it caused them to start talking again, re-evaluate the marriage, and get back together. Sue Ann exclaims, "That's a great idea!" and tells Molly she bets it would work with her parents. Molly points out that she's not sick, so Sue Ann feels her forehead and tells her she has dizziness and a terrible fever, then snaps, "Get it?!" and Molly finally gets a clue that she's supposed to play act. Natalie urges her to put her robe on to appear more sickly, and Blair just rolls her eyes and says that this is the dumbest idea ever. Sue Ann snarks at Blair that they're trying to save a marriage, then tells Molly she needs to call her mom and inform her about how deathly ill she's suddenly fallen.

The girls go downstairs and gabble to Mrs. Garrett about how Molly called her mom and pretended to be very sick and that she gave quite the performance. Tootie wryly adds in her hammish way, "She did a snow job." Mrs. Garrett asks Molly if dragging her mother all the way to Eastland to confront her dad is really a good idea, and Molly thinks it is and says her mother will thank her when she and her dad get back together. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in disapproval, and the girls beg her not ruin Molly's plan. Mrs. Garrett promises not to reveal her idiotic scheme - but she won't stand for Molly pretending to be sick, so she orders the deceptive imp to take off her bathrobe.

Tootie looks out the window and announces that a sharp looking man has just pulled up in a silver Porsche. Molly says that couldn't possibly be her father, since he's a Dodge driving dork - but Blair tells her it could very well be her father, since men who are newly separated from their wives often go out and buy a German sports car. Dr. Parker enters the dorm, and - yeesh - he's a super dorky middle-aged man with ginormous glasses who looks as though he's attempted to de-dorkify himself by dressing in a fancy suede jacket over his yellow turtleneck, and has accessorized the stylish ensemble with a chunky gold necklace. LOL. He hugs Molly and, as Blair accurately predicted, hands her a guilt present. Molly marvels at how different he seems, and he tells her he traded in his dork car for a Porsche. She asks him if mom has seen the new him, then informs him that she too is looking better than ever...and he deftly replies that his soon-to-be ex-wife always looks terrific. He's ready to leave for their vacation, but Molly does her best to stall...and Natalie lets it slip that Mrs. Parker will be arriving any minute, then looks sheepish at having just "accidentally" blurted that out. The girls forcibly sit Dr. Parker down and pretend as though they want to get to know him better. A few seconds later, a woman with a curly blonde 'do enters the dorm...and Sue Ann frowns at her and remarks, "That's not Molly's mother." The woman introduces herself as Angela and says she's with Dr. Parker, and Molly furrows her brows and asks her dad, "Who's that?" Dr. Parker tells her that Angela is a friend (as well as his dental hygienist), and Angela sticks her arm out to shake Molly's hand but Molly ignores her. Dr. Parker tells his daughter that he'd like her and Angela to become acquainted, so he's invited her to come along for lunch...and Angela hands Molly a small gift, but Molly refuses to accept it and just glares back at her.

Dr. Parker, Angela, and Molly have squeezed themselves on the couch and look visibly uncomfortable...and the rest of the girls are perched on the sofa chair a few feet away, staring over at the three of them as if they're animals in a zoo. Angela tells Molly that her dad talks about her all the time, and Molly snarks back that she's never heard of her....and Angela looks miffed and asks her married boyfriend why he's never mentioned her to his thirteen year old daughter (seriously?). Mrs. Garrett orders the girls sitting on the sofa chair to mind their own business and skedaddle, and they reluctantly head upstairs. Dr. Parker tells Molly that he felt it was time she met Angela, and Molly puts her sad face on and asks, "What about mom?" He explains that the two of them weren't happy together anymore, to which she wails, "But I was! You don't care about me!" He assures her he loves her even though he's no longer living in their family home, but Molly calls him selfish and shrieks, "I hate you!" then flees upstairs to her room.

Blair and Mrs. Garrett enter Molly's room as she's strumming on her ukulele, singing in her cringeworthy I'm-a-tiny-girl-with-a-big-singing-voice voice:

"My father can't be trusted
My heart feels like it's busted
Boy am I disgusted"
​
Molly complains to Mrs. Garrett and Blair that it was crappy of her dad to bring "that sneaky frizzhead" to Eastland, and is worried that the floozy is going to ruin her mom and dad's chances of falling in love again. Mrs. Garrett asks her what it was like when the three of them were a family, and Molly gushes, "Terrific! Wonderful!" but then Blair reminds her that she used to complain about how her parents fought all the time. Molly admits it wasn't all great, but at least they were together...until her dad ruined everything, that is. Mrs. Garrett sternly asks her what things were really like, and Molly says her dad would usually come home late from the office 'cause he's a workaholic (and not 'cause he was doinking Angela on one of the dental chairs), and her mother would accuse him of ruining dinner again. He'd ask how it's possible for him to ruin something she cooked, and then they'd argue, which they'd do while fake smiling so they wouldn't freak Molly out - and Molly does an impression of her mother arguing while gritting her teeth. Blair chuckles and says her mom was a whiz at that too, then asks Molly if that's what she wants her parents together for. Molly sadly replies, "It's better than nothing" but Mrs. Garrett disagrees and says, "Oh no, it isn't. It's that terrible game called Staying Together For the Kids, which just makes everyone miserable." Molly thinks her parents should love her enough to keep trying to make their failing marriage work, but Blair points out that her dorky dad gives her way more love than her deadbeat dad ever did...and as she's saying that, she gets kind of verklempt and gets a tender pat on the hand by Mrs. Garrett. Molly tells Mrs. Garrett she's very confused, so the wise old sage explains that her parents aren't divorcing her and that there's no magic pill - but things do get better. 

Mrs. Garrett goes downstairs and tells Dr. Parker and Angela that Molly will be right down. Mr. Bradley suddenly bursts into the dorm and announces, "I'm back! Because when one of my girls hurts, I hurt." It's a little weird that he said that in the presence of Dr. Parker. Mrs. Garrett is all, "Wha-a?!" and Mr. Bradley magnanimously declares that Hawaii isn't going anywhere. Molly comes downstairs and apologizes to her dad for blurting out that she hates him, then confesses that she tricked her mother into coming to Eastland by claiming that she was sick, 'cause she thought it would magically make them fall in love again. Her dad stares at her affectionately and says he loves her so much and assures her she doesn't have to worry about her mom: she's doing fine in her career and has a "special friend" of her own. Molly perks up and goes, "Really?" then decides that she's A-OK about spending the week with him and her new stepmother-to-be. Molly says they should probably wait until her mom arrives so she can tell her she's not actually sick...but she's worried what will happen when she sees Angela. Dr. Parker chuckles and says his soon-to-be ex-wife already knows about Angela, and that they're friends. Sort of. (But probably not really.) 

Meanwhile, Mr. Bradley is annoyed that he missed his plane to Hawaii for a crisis that resolved itself in record time...and which also was never, in any way, any of his damn business.