Recap: Carrie's the subject of a photo shoot, and she's draped over a bed, trying her hardest to look seductive, which...well, blech. Apparently, the tabloid rag she works for has decided they need a gigantic promotional poster of her to plaster on the side of a bus, which...well, whatever. Carrie isn't loving the process of being photographed, but voice-overs that it's worth it 'cause they're letting her keep the dress: a skimpy, flesh-colored, teeny tiny frock that looks more like an undergarment than anything a person should venture out in in public. Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha are hanging out at Carrie's apartment - and apparently their lives are so empty and sad in this episode that they're reduced to living vicariously through Carrie's first official date with Mr. Big. Carrie arrives home wearing the photo shoot dress, and Samantha gushes over how fabulous it is. She would find that trashy slip of a dress fabulous. Charlotte disapprovingly calls it "the naked dress" and [correctly] assumes that it will lead to sex with Mr. Big tonight, which she sternly advises against. Samantha and Miranda grumble about Charlotte's strict adherence to The Rules, 'cause they don't think there's anything wrong with getting nailed by a guy on a first date. The doorbell rings, and Carrie hastily puts on her tacky fur coat - so that she'll look like an even trashier hooker than if she would if she were just wearing the naked dress - and rushes out to meet Mr. Big. When Carrie steps out into the hall, she vapidly stares into the camera and tells viewers that she's dying to sleep with Mr. Big, but then cocks her head as she rethinks that and asks, "But isn't delayed gratification the definition of maturity?" While we're left to chew on that pearl of wisdom, she goes outside and greets Mr. Big, who's sexily leaning against his black Town Car. He ogles Carrie in her flimsy hooker-wear and, remarks, "Interesting dress" and ushers her into the back seat. After he climbs in beside her, he stares at her bare thighs and assures her he's perfectly capable of restraining himself...then lunges at her, and the two start getting it on. In the next scene, Carrie and Big are lazing on the floor of his bedroom, basking in the afterglow of their romp. It's unclear why they didn't opt for the much more comfortable bed, two feet away. He describes their doink as "pretty fucking great", and Carrie pretends to act demure and shocked at herself for putting out on a first date - as though it's something completely out of the ordinary for her. After the two towel off and get dressed, Big takes her to a Szechuan restaurant - where she happens to run into a friend, Mike Singer, who's having dinner with a woman he doesn't introduce to Carrie and is clearly embarrassed to be seen with. Miranda, meanwhile, is taking a boxing class. She accidentally kicks her partner in the face and profusely apologizes, but he assures her he's fine. They hit it off and hang out together after the class, and Miranda learns that his name is Ted Baker and that he's a sports medicine doctor...and we learn that he's far too nice a guy for a sarcastically cold-hearted bitch like Miranda. Carrie meets up with Mike Singer at Bed, Bath & Beyond to discuss why he was so embarrassed about his date, whose name we learn is Libby. He explains to Carrie that Libby isn't someone he dates openly, despite the fact that she's smart, sweet, and superb in the sack. He recounts how they met in the supermarket, immediately hit it off, and had sex on their first date. Carrie voice-overs, "Since he didn't think Libby was gorgeous, there wasn't any pressure" and Mike describes Libby as the only woman he can "just be with". Carrie looks perplexed and asks him what the problem is, so he replies, "Looks. She's not beautiful" and adds that he's been keeping her a secret from his shallow circle of friends 'cause she's not the woman for him "in the larger sense". Carrie mulls that over, unable to decide if Mike was being shallow or honest [or an immature, superficial, soulless shell of a douchebag]...but it nagged at her. Back at her apartment, Carrie taps away at her computer, rhetorically (I can only hope) asking viewers, "How many of us are having great sex with people we're ashamed to introduce to our friends?" Samantha gabbles about all the men she's slept with, clearly unashamed of her slutty track record. She helps Carrie hang up a copy of the bus poster on her wall, gushes about how fabulous she looks in it, and suggests that they all get together and toast the bus as it drives by for the first time. After that, she somehow gets on the topic of Charlotte getting boned by a Rabbi...and then it's off to Charlotte's gallery we go. Charlotte is annoyed that Samantha and Carrie came by the gallery to interrogate her...and she clarifies that she didn't sleep with a Rabbi, but rather a Hasidic artist from Brooklyn. We then get a needless flashback of Charlotte as she drops by the Hasidic artist's studio to view his work, flirts with him, and quickly hits the sheets with him...which seems completely out of character for a Rules-following prude like Charlotte, but whatever, writers. Carrie's back in her apartment, tapping away on her computer again. She ponders the notion: "Is secret sex the purest form of intimacy? Or is it a way to not feel things and emotionally compartmentalize our lives?" OMFG - I cannot fathom that anyone pays her to write this kind of shlock every week. Mr. Big chooses that moment to call Carrie and tell her he can't stop thinking about her, then invites her out for "a first real date", namely dinner and a movie. Carrie gazes into the camera and tells viewers how relieved she is to have escaped the "sex on a first date" curse...and she says it as though she's had no direct control over her sluttish impulses to have sex on what I can only assume are all of her first dates. Carrie and Mr. Big are ambling down the street together, and she voice-overs that she was basking in the joy of being out with a man whose name she wanted to shout from the rooftops. A few seconds later, they run into two acquaintances of his...but he doesn't introduce them to Carrie. When Carrie later asks him who they are, he breezily says he once skied with them in Aspen. Big then takes her back to the Szechuan restaurant: the scene of their first post-coital dinner. She's bummed by his choice of venue, then gets bummed further when he tells her he can't make it to her bus poster party tomorrow. She complains that she had been looking forward to introducing him to her friends, then glances around the restaurant and convinces herself that it's filled with people who are there with dates they're ashamed to be seen with. Later, Carrie calls up Mike Singer and asks him why he took Libby to the Szechuan restaurant, and he admits that it's 'cause it's an obscure place that's perfect for avoiding running into people you know. I don't know why Libby doesn't realize she could do a lot better than this adolescent fucktard. Miranda has spent the night at Ted's place...and early the next morning he gets up to catch a flight for an out-of-town conference. He tells her to relax, get dressed, and leave whenever she's ready. As soon as he leaves the apartment, Miranda starts ransacking the place ('cause that's a decent, appropriate thing to do when you've just met someone) and discovers a porn video in his underwear drawer called Spanked. In the next scene, she's over at Carrie's apartment...and as the two watch Spanked, Miranda announces that she's no longer interested in dating Ted 'cause she's worried he's into some kinky shit. The girls (sans Miranda) are gathered at a bus stop to toast Carrie's bus poster...and they're dressed in party hats and are drinking champagne. Mike Singer shows up and informs Carrie that Libby dumped him after it finally dawned on her that she deserves better than a shallow douchebag like himself. Yay, Libby! The bus with Carrie's poster finally arrives - and Carrie gasps in mortification when she notices that someone has drawn a cartoon penis near her mouth. Haha! Miranda and Ted have just enjoyed a lovely dinner out, and he tells her he missed her today. He recalls their first encounter in the boxing class and jokingly says, "I just needed a kick in the head!" and Miranda stupidly retorts with, "And here I thought all you really wanted was a good spanking!" Ted pales and goes, "Excuse me..?" and just stares back at her in utter horror and embarrassment. Not surprisingly, that was the last Miranda ever saw of Ted. Carrie shows up at Mr. Big's apartment, drunkenly babbling about him being too embarrassed to be dating her. She barges into his living room and pours herself a drink and says she blames herself for wearing "the naked dress" on their first date. Big scrunches his face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a?" so Carrie admonishes him for not introducing her to his Aspen friends, not showing up at her bus poster party, and for bringing her to an obscure Szechuan restaurant in order to avoid running into anyone he knows. She accusingly barks, "You have me in a niche!" and Big just stares at her in bewilderment. He explains that the Szechuan restaurant has the best Chinese food in the city, he didn't remember the names of his Aspen friends so it was therefore impossible to introduce them to her, and he declined the bus poster party 'cause he had court-side tickets to a Knicks game. Carrie mulls that over, perks up, and goes, "So...you and me. This is for real?" and Big pulls her close to him, murmurs, "Could be" and steers her toward his bedroom. Ew. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: Carrie latest stupid pronouncement is that the most powerful woman in Manhattan is the hostess at Balzac - a trendy restaurant that overnight became the only restaurant that mattered to people for whom such things actually matter. Samantha is indignant that they've been waiting for a table for forty-five minutes and says, "Doesn't she know who we are?!" and Carrie stares back at her blankly and goes, "Who are we?" so Samantha reminds her that she owns her own PR firm, and that she (Carrie) writes a weekly sex column for a tabloid rag. Samantha storms over to the hostess to complain about the long wait, tells her that she and her friend are "actual somebodies" and that they need to be seated right now. The hostess, who correctly assumes that Samantha and Carrie are just a couple of slutty nobodies, shrugs indifferently...so Samantha storms back over to Carrie and asks her if she has $20 so she can bribe the hostess into seating them. When Carrie shoots her a look of incredulity, Samantha wonders if maybe they should slip her $50. Carrie says she refuses to reward the hostess for her rudeness, and the two finally throw in the towel and decide to eat elsewhere. Outside, Samantha rails to Carrie that she was that woman ten years ago - but she always wielded her power in a benevolent manner. Somehow I find that hard to believe. She then declares that if the hostess had been a man, they'd be seated right now, enjoying their complimentary drinks. After being forced to eat lunch in a less trendy restaurant, Carrie heads over to the nearest Dolce & Gabbana boutique to shoe shop. She decides on a pair of fugly, purple feathered heels - but when she tries to pay for them, the salesman informs her that her credit card is maxed out and that he's been ordered by the credit card company to cut it in half. Haha! Before he can adequately shame her for being an irresponsible consumer, a dark haired European woman appears out of nowhere and offers to pay for the shoes. Carrie's like, "OMG! Amalita!" and Amalita is all, "Keddy! You look fantastic!" Carrie pretends like she still has a scrap of pride and tells Amalita she can't possibly let her pay for the fugly shoes...but Amalita insists, cackles, "You can pay me back nevaah!" and points at her boyfriend Carlo, who's browsing a clothing rack across the room, and says the shoes are actually a gift from him. She tells Carrie she's been with him for two months, and that he's fabulously wealthy but has a teeny tiny penis. She gushes to Carrie about how she's like a sister to her - and as the two hug, Carrie stares vapidly into the camera and tells viewers she's only ever hung out with Amalita a few times and says in a weirdly smug tone, "Most people would classify Amalita as Eurotrash. I thought she was fun." After the two finish cackling over each other's beauty and awesomeness, Amalita once again insists to Carrie that she take the fugly shoes...and Carrie takes them - 'cause...well, d'yuh - and Amalita tells her to keep in touch and that she and Carlo are staying at the Four Seasons. Carrie's in her apartment, looking over a stack of past due bills and throws them in the trash 'cause yeah that's a mature and responsible way to deal with outstanding household expenses. She starts tapping away on her computer, voice-overing about Amalita's fabulous life of exploiting her dazzling sexual power in lieu of having a job. She then stares into the camera and challenges viewers with this moral mind-twister: "Where's the line between professional girlfriend and just plain professional?" A few hours later, the girls are gathered at Carrie's pad, playing poker. Samantha makes another of her stupid pronouncements when she insists that women have the right to use every means at their disposal to achieve power. Miranda says, "Short of sleeping their way to the top" but Samantha argues, "Not if that's what it takes to compete." Charlotte looks troubled and wails, "But that's exploitation!" and Samantha counters with, "Of men. Which is perfectly legal." Carrie wants to clarify the bullcack she just heard, so she asks, "Women can use their sexuality to get ahead whenever possible, but men aren't allowed to take advantage of it..?" and Samantha condescendingly explains, "Men and women are equal opportunity exploiters." Charlotte asks what you should do when you realize that someone is giving you a professional advantage because they find you charming...and then Carrie voice-overs about how the famous painter, Neville Morgan, recently dropped by Charlotte's gallery to see what was new and hot on the New York art scene...and found it in Charlotte. Apparently, he was so charmed by her that he invited her to his farm upstate to view his latest work. Charlotte really really wants to display his work at the gallery, but is worried he'll want her to put out in exchange. Miranda assures her they'll sue him if he suggests such a thing...and then to please Samantha's anti-male/decency sensibilities, she adds, "That's the only proper way to trade sex for power." Skipper arrives to pick up Miranda - and when she bitches at him for being an hour early, he sheepishly offers to wait for her in the hall. Miranda snarks and huffs about his early arrival for a few more seconds, then decides to leave with him. OMFG - someone please explain to me why these two are still dating. Later, Carrie's reading in bed when she gets a call from Amalita, inviting her out to Balzac. Carrie declines and says she's trying to cut back on her wild spending, but Amalita bellows, "You are craaaazzzzy, you know that?!" and urges Carrie to come to Balzac and be her fabulous self. Carrie gives in and nonsensically reasons that her fugly new feathered shoes shouldn't have to stay in just 'cause she has no ability to budget. Carrie dolls herself up with eye makeup and clownishly round rouge spots on her cheeks and heads over to Balzac. Amalita shows her the bracelet Carlo bought for her this afternoon and cackles about how it costed him $12,000. She then steers Carrie over to her table and introduces her to her set - including Gilles, a handsome divorced architect from Paris. He looks smitten with Carrie, and the two flirt while Amalita orders a bottle of wine. Afterward, Gilles and Carrie walk along the street together. He tells her she's far too beautiful to be a writer (blech, Gilles), and that she should give up her life in America to move with him to Paris. She "jokes" that she's so broke, she might take him up on the offer so she can save on rent. He furrows his brows and asks, "Writing does not pay well?" and she says it does, but that she has a "substance abuse problem" - and when he looks aghast that she might be a cokehead, she hastily explains that she has a penchant for buying ugly and expensive footwear. He looks down at her feathered shoes and chuckles, then asks if he can take her out tomorrow night...and she accepts, and then strolls off by herself as he stares after. She voice-overs, "Sure I saw some red flags: divorce, French, handsome. But I felt like I was floating on air.." The next morning, Carrie faces "the eternal puzzle": a closet full of clothes, but nothing to wear. As she tries to sort out her wardrobe conundrum, Skipper comes over to complain about how Miranda has him "totally wacked", meaning he's become completely obsessed with her, and knows it's turning her off...not to mention how blech it is for viewers to have to fathom his intense attraction to a woman who treats him like something stuck to the bottom of her shoe. He tells Carrie that the sex is so awesome it's all he can think about...but they mostly have sex in the afternoons 'cause she doesn't want him spending the night. Carrie suggests convincing Miranda to let him spend the night and then try to abstain from sex, but he thinks that would be way too hard. Carrie voice-overs that she was worried Miranda's sexuality was overpowering Skipper. I'm more worried that the dude's going to cut off his own balls and insist that Miranda carry them around in her purse. Carrie spends a romantic day with Gilles, and as they stroll around Central Park, French music somehow plays in the background. A few hours later, they end up in his hotel room - and she pretends as though she has a rule against sleeping with men she's only known a day. Gilles says, "I see" and starts smooching her in earnest, and - shock of shocks - she gives in and the two quickly hit the sheets. Early the next morning, Gilles kisses Carrie awake and tells her he has a plane to catch. She offers to get up with him, but he urges her to stay in bed, order room service, and enjoy herself. He says, "I'll call you" and heads out...and a few seconds later, it dawns on Carrie that neither of them have each other's phone number. Gilles did, however, leave her with a polite thanks for the doink note and $1000 cash. Carrie invites Miranda and Samantha to the hotel suite for breakfast. She tells them she's having trouble reconciling the amazing connection she and Gilles had with the money for services rendered he left on the night stand. She looks genuinely perplexed and asks, "What exactly about me screams whore?" and Miranda wryly asks, "Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?" [Heh...and to answer your question, Carrie, everything about you screams, nay shrieks whore: the frizzled hair mess, the blotchy makeup, the tacky fur coat and tasteless wardrobe - but most of all, it's your unclassy, brazen willingness to jump into the sack with men you barely know and who don't give a shit about you.] Samantha doesn't get why she's so bent out of shape about the $1000 and says, "Money is power, sex is power. Exchanging sex for money is an exchange of sex for power. Men give and women receive." Miranda's like, "Are you sure you really want to be saying that?" (I'm quite sure she does) and Carrie says she doesn't know if she should feel insulted or flattered by the money (insulted, probably) and Samantha urges her to just take the money. Miranda asks her if Amalita is pulling her into a ring of high class hookers, and Carrie insists that Amalita isn't an actual hooker, but rather an international party girl. She then decides to write the whole thing off as "a bad date with a cash bonus". Whatever, floozy. Charlotte arrives at Neville Morgan's farm and gushes about how meeting him has been the high point of her career. He ushers her into his barn and describes his latest work as "the closest I've ever come to universal God force" and unveils a bunch of paintings he openly refers to as The Cunt. Charlotte looks over the odd renderings and mumbles, "Oh my. They're very powerful." He gabbles about how it's the most powerful force in the universe, and the source of all life, pleasure, and beauty. His wife, meanwhile, enters the barn to bring them some refreshments. Neville tells Charlotte that each painting is the cunt of a woman who has touched his life in some way. He asks Charlotte if she'd consider posing for him sometime, and she looks a combination of flattered and mortified. He proposes sketching her this afternoon, and the wife gives her an appreciate once-over and says, "I'll bet you have a beautiful cunt, dear." Charlotte somehow refrains from fleeing the farm and mulls over the intimate request as she sips from a glass of lemonade. With her hooker money still burning a hole in her pocket, Carrie invites Samantha to go to Balzac with her...but when they arrive, the hostess still won't let them in. Carrie announces she's going to the bathroom - and suggests they find a restaurant where they can actually get seated. On her way upstairs, she runs into Amalita, who urges her to join her at her table. She introduces Carrie to her to her newest set of rich and fabulous friends, including a creepy Italian man who gets all flirty and grab-handsy with her. As he fondles her buttocks, he invites her to fly with him to Italy and see Venice...and Carrie jokes that Venice is sinking, then voice-overs that she admits to being tempted into leveraging herself "like the human equivalent of a sexy junk bond". Good grief. She mulls over using the $1000 she earned by doinking Gilles to travel to Venice and sleep with the Italian, and use that hookup as a springboard to score some jewelry, a rich husband, and then a profitable divorce. Carrie decides to walk away from the opportunity she just concocted in her head and tells Amalita she has a friend waiting for her by the bar. Amalita coos, "Vat a pity!" and tells Carrie she's staying at the Carlyle with Peter (as in, not Carlo). Carrie proudly struts away, voice-overing, "Just 'cause Venice was sinking, didn't mean my morals had to go down along with it." You don't have morals, Carrie. In the bathroom, Carrie decides that she's going to keep the $1000 'cause there's nothing that can be done about the fact that she exchanged sex for money like a common street hooker...and she matter-of-factly states, "I had just established my rate for a one night stand." No duh. The hostess suddenly emerges from one of the stalls and sheepishly asks Carrie if she has a tampon, and Carrie's like, "Sure!" and hands her one. A few minutes later, the hostess seats Carrie and Samantha...and Carrie proudly voice-overs after that she never had a problem getting a table at Balzac. Well, until the restaurant hires a different hostess, I guess. Gallery opening! The girls are at Charlotte's gallery, looking over the exhibition of Neville Morgan's cuntastic collection. Miranda, Carrie, and Samantha all try to guess which of the paintings is Charlotte's nether regions, and when she finally points out hers, they all stare at it, speechless. Even though all the paintings look pretty much the same. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie is tapping away on her computer, gabbling about how "a certain man and woman" (her and Mr. Big) keep bumping into one another. By scripted coincidence, they seemed to run into each other everywhere they went, a phenomenon she describes as "dating accidentally". Samantha's PR firm is handling the opening of a hot new Manhattan restaurant, so she's invited the gals to attend the event. Charlotte is there with her new boyfriend, who has the three most important traits she seeks in a man - looks, manners, money - because she's too shallow and immature to look beyond the surface and appreciate the complexities of human beings. Carrie complains that Mr. Big is late, and that he hasn't referred to the evening's plans as a date, but rather a thing. Miranda tells her that Skipper will be meeting her at the restaurant, then clarifies in her usual man-hating, bitchy, potty-mouthed fashion, "We're not dating; it's a fuck thing." Run, Skipper. Run far and fast. Samantha lets the gals cut in line and enter the restaurant, and Carrie makes a beeline over to the pay phone to check her messages. She listens to a message that Mr. Big left for her and looks befuddled...then asks Miranda to listen to it to see if she can determine whether he regards her as a woman he's dating or just a skanky acquaintance he felt obliged to ask out. Miranda listens to the call, also looks befuddled, and says, "I have no idea." Carrie and Miranda head over to join Samantha, who's sitting at a table with two twenty-something guys: Jon (the restaurant's chef), and Jon's disheveled friend Sam. Carrie introduces herself to Sam and the two look instantly smitten with each other and start flirting...and Sam offers to get her a drink at the bar. She warns him it's packed over there, but he flashes her a grin and says, "No problem - the bartender is a buddy of mine." Carrie stares appreciatively at his ass as he makes his way to the bar, then voice-overs that twenty-somethings are great to hang with 'cause of their helpful connections and nice butts. Jon tells Samantha he has to head back to the kitchen and do his job, now that the New York Times' food critic has arrived - but Samantha orders him to make out with her first, and the two go at it as Carrie and Miranda pretend not to gawk at the nauseating display. After Jon toddles off, Samantha gleefully asks, "Did I mention I'm sleeping with him?" No. But shocker alert. A harassed looking Skipper brings two drinks over to Miranda and explains that the bartender stopped making martinis, so the best he could do was rum and Coke. Miranda snippily replies, "Well, I hate rum, and I hate Coke. But thanks" and Skipper somehow refrains from telling her to go fuck herself. Sam, meanwhile, comes over with a tray full of martinis, and poor Skipper's all, "Wuh?" Sam pulls Carrie aside and asks her if she wants to see something, then darts his tongue out a few times so she can check out his piercing. Ick. As she giggles like a twelve year old, Mr. Big suddenly appears from out of nowhere and eyes Sam curiously. Carrie scrunches her face in confusion and says she thought he wasn't coming, so he explains that he told her in his message that he'd try to make it to the restaurant before he had to go do some work-related thing...but since he spent so much time in line waiting to get in the restaurant, and then trying to find her once he was inside, he now has to leave immediately. After Big exits, a bored Sam declares, "This place is tired" and asks Carrie if she wants to go somewhere else. She chirps, "Sure!" and the two head out. Carrie, Sam, Samantha, and Jon walk over to a club filled with twenty-somethings. Samantha somehow convinced Jon to leave the restaurant in mid-shift 'cause "he's too talented to be seen somewhere that's borderline tired". Well that's an interesting work ethic - I hope he's talented enough to find new employment from a restauranteur who's willing to hire such a flaky dinkwhistle. Inside the club, Carrie points out to Samantha that everyone is in their twenties, and Samantha grins and says, "And so are we." (No...you are definitely not.) Carrie admires the various types of twenty-something guys on display at the club: groovy, corporate, jock, and underage. Carrie and Sam squeeze onto a tiny couch beside Samantha and Jon, and Carrie coquettishly tells Sam she'd like to know what it feels like to kiss someone with a piercing...so he eagerly indulges her, and as they smooch, Carrie voice-overs that Sam's type is "good kisser guy". The next morning, Samantha calls Carrie to share every grisly detail of her fuckfest with Jon and says, "I've been fucked literally every way you can be fucked." And instead of establishing tasteful boundaries for this and all future conversations, Carrie wryly indulges her and says, "If you keep talking like that, I'm going to have to charge you by the minute." Samantha continues to give her a needless rundown of her steamy night with Jon: him on top, her on top, her on her side, him on his side...blah blah, you get the idea. "Guys in their twenties are up for anything!" she gleefully cackles, then asks Carrie how things went with her and Sam. Carrie says they kissed, and Samantha contorts her face in disgust and says, "Just kissed??" so Carrie tells her they kissed for five hours. She lights up a cigarette and dreamily says she forgot how much fun it is to just kiss - but Samantha's already stopped listening and is now gabbling about the gazillion orgasms Jon gave her in every existing sexual position. Later, as Carrie is tapping away on her computer, she ponders, "Are men in their twenties the new designer drug?" [No. They're just people in their twenties.] She wonders if she and her friends were getting into something they couldn't handle, then poses this pronouncement/question for herself and viewers to contemplate, "We're attracted to twenty-something men for various reasons - but I couldn't help but wonder: what do they see in us?" God only knows. Incidentally, I cannot stand Carrie's overuse of the phrase I couldn't help but wonder whenever she's tapping out her shittastic column. Some random twenty-something guy playing basketball addresses the camera and bloviates about how women in their thirties are "so grateful", and that every nice thing they do "is like throwing food to the starving". His young friend agrees and crassly says, "They give great head" and then another twenty-something says, "They remind me of my mom" which was weird. Skipper, who's playing basketball with these morons, says he likes women in their thirties 'cause "they know who they are and what they want". And then a seventeen year old appears on the screen and says, "Two words: smart pussy" and this is now the second time in the episode that the writers have creepily ventured into underage boy territory, which...ew. A couple of days later, Carrie and Miranda are walking along the street...and Miranda is once again trying to look like a man/unfashionable lesbian in an ugly suit and tie outfit. Carrie asks her if perhaps they should be dating men their own age, but Miranda derisively snorts and says, "Good luck finding one" and flatly declares that New York has no available men in their thirties. Carrie looks perplexed and wonders aloud, "What's really going on here?" and Miranda caustically retorts, "It's just sex", so Carrie mulls that over [while ignoring the possibility that quality men in their thirties have no use for vapid nitwits such as themselves]. She checks her watch and tells Miranda she has a meeting with her editor, then abruptly rushes off. Carrie voice-overs that she didn't want to admit to Miranda that she had canceled the meeting with her editor to meet up with Sam at Banana Republic to pick out a new shirt. It really is a miracle she's still employed. Sam pulls her into the fitting room, and the two start slobbering all over each other...and Carrie voice-overs about how fun he is, and wonders if perhaps their kissing dates could turn into more than just a fling? or a potential boyfriend? (No and no.) A store clerk pulls open the fitting room curtain and tells them to knock off their smooching, then glares at them and says, "Please. This isn't The Gap." After he leaves, Carrie and Sam giggle and continue to make out. Carrie's getting ready to meet Mr. Big for a drink when Charlotte calls, in desperate need of advice. Apparently, her rich, well mannered boyfriend asked her something so heinous that when Carrie hears what it is, she says she'll be in front of her building in a cab asap. Turns out the boyfriend wants Charlotte to agree to have anal sex. The fuck? That's the big emergency?? As they discuss Charlotte's anal sex quandary in the cab, Carrie tells her they're picking up Miranda and Samantha to offer her "girl support". Miranda asks Charlotte how much she likes this guy, and she says she isn't sure and gets all flustered. Miranda starts blathering nonsense about how anal sex signals a shift in power in the relationship, and throws out the question, "Will he respect you if he fucks you up the butt?" Samantha breezily waves her hand in the air and says, "A hole is a hole" and that the human body was designed to experience anal sex. She chuckles and adds, "P.S., it's fabulous - with the right guy and the right lubricant!" and all four cackle at Samantha's raunchy wit while the beleaguered cabbie contemplates dropping them off on the nearest bridge. Carrie arrives at the restaurant where she and Big are meeting for a drink. She tells him she's so happy to be alone with him at last...and Big stares at her uncomfortably and goes, "Um. Meet my friend Jack" just as a miserable looking sack of a man plops himself down at the table and starts grumbling about his impending divorce from bitch wife #2. Jack is suddenly distracted by a beautiful woman across the room and says he's going to go ask her if she'd like to join them for dinner. After he ambles off, Big sheepishly explains that Jack unexpectedly called him, crying...so Carrie suggests they have a guy's night out, talk, and let Jack cry it out. She gets up, leaves him some money to pay for their next round of drinks...and Big goes, "Are you sure?" and she smiles and says, "Abso-fucking-lutely" which is a needless shout out to the dumb pilot episode. Carrie heads out and walks forty-eight blocks in $400 shoes, and stops in at the twenty-something bar, where she meets up with Sam. She voice-overs that she wanted to kiss him to make herself feel better...but after making out for awhile, she realized that kissing was no longer enough to improve her mood. She needed more. A round of butt sex, perhaps? Charlotte, meanwhile, stammers through an explanation to her butt-fucking loving boyfriend as to why she doesn't want to have anal sex with him. She says she's afraid that if she doesn't he'll dump her, and if she does, she'll be the "up the butt" girl. She tells him she wants children and nice bedding...and really can't handle something as low-down dirty as anal sex. He mulls that over for a few seconds, then asks, "Can we fuck the regular way?" and she gives him a relieved smile and says, "Yes, please" and the two politely make love, Charlotte style. Samantha and Jon are indulging in another fuckfest...but things go downhill when he examines her neck and remarks, "You have the cutest little wrinkles here." Samantha rolls over, looks pissed off, and decides right then and there that she's no longer going to whore around with twenty-somethings. And as Samantha goes cold turkey, Carrie gets in deeper and deeper...and we see that she and Sam are going at it in his bed. Afterwards, they both agree that the sex was totally awesome, and she voice-overs, "I was hooked...gone. This felt so good...and then he spooned me." Be still my beating heart.. The next morning, Carrie wakes up in Sam's bed and glances around his pigsty of an apartment, voice-overing her shock at how different it looked in the light of day. Sam wakes up and murmurs, "Morning, babe" and she snarks at him that she needs coffee, like pronto, so he grunts and points in the direction of the kitchen. She gets dressed and tiptoes through the filthy apartment, horrified by the grisly mess that is the kitchen. Sam trails in after her, nattering about a dream he had while she tries to shut him up and begs for coffee. He promises to make her a pot, and she steps out to use the bathroom, shrieking in horror when she encounters his scary looking roommate. In the next scene, she's sitting on the toilet in a graffiti walled bathroom, and realizes too late that there's no toilet paper. When she yells at him to bring her a roll, he yells back that he's using the last of the toilet paper as a coffee filter. She decided then and there that she is too old for this, beats a hasty retreat from his apartment, and goes shoe shopping. As Carrie ambles along the street wearing a fur coat that totally makes her look like a cheap hooker, she pontificates about how she's outgrown the boys of her past, but hasn't quite grown into the men in her future. She runs into Mr. Big, who's dining at an outdoor cafe, and he invites her to dinner sometime. She coquettishly says, "Call me!" and struts off, voice-overing, "Maybe all men are a drug. They bring you down and get you so high." She can't help herself from sneaking a peak behind her, then scrunches her face giddily when she catches him checking her out. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Carrie voice-overs that the best thing about living in New York is leaving it, then explains that her married friends, Patience and Peter, have invited her to spend the weekend at their swanky Hamptons estate. She describes the two as "the perfect couple" (even though the husband seems like a total dumbass), and the two get a kick out of hearing tales of Carrie's sexual escapades, which seems kind of weird. Carrie wakes up the next morning feeling rested and fabulous, and bounds out of bed so she can start enjoying the spectacular view. When she steps out of her room, she encounters Peter - who, for some reason, is ambling around the house in nothing but a t-shirt...and since the camera is positioned behind Peter's behind, we're forced to stare at his bare ass while while Carrie gets an unwanted eyeful of his chubbie. She glances around uncomfortably while Peter casually sips his coffee and tells her that Patience went out for some juice and muffins. Carrie pretends that chatting with him while his penis dangles beneath his t-shirt hasn't been at all weird, goes, "OK then.." and beats a hasty retreat downstairs. Patience has returned with her juice and muffins and asks Carrie whassup, so Carrie comes right out and informs her that she ran into Peter in the hall and got a long look at his schlong...then chuckles and quips, "P.S. congratulations." Patience is all, "Wha-a?!" and when her dumbass husband ambles into the kitchen a few seconds later, she shoots him a death glare and asks him if Carrie saw his dick in the hall just now. He confirms that Carrie did, in fact, get a good hard look at his dick, then "explains" that she caught him on his way to the bathroom. He smiles vacantly as he grabs a muffin, then saunters out of the room as Carrie voice-overs that Patience immediately hustled her out of the house and aboard the next available bus to New York. In the next scene, Carrie's dining with the gals at a Manhattan restaurant, and the four discuss the possible motives behind the flashing of Peter's penis. Carrie says she doesn't get why Patience was so upset with her, so Miranda tells her that single women are the enemies of married women. Carrie voice-overs that as the only unattached lawyer in her firm, Miranda's somewhat of an expert on the troubled relations between married and unmarried people. Samantha says that married women are threatened by single women 'cause they can have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere (and by they she means herself) and Carrie perks up and goes, "We can?" An attractive waiter arrives at the table with a pepper grinder, and the girls crudely cackle about how much they want him to grind some of his "pepper" onto their food. Classy, ladies. Charlotte declares she'd never sleep with a married man, and Samantha tells her she may already have without knowing it...then derisively declares that married women don't trust single women (and by single women, she means herself), but Charlotte adamantly disagrees, and then Carrie voice-overs, "To Charlotte, marriage was like a sorority she was desperate to pledge." Miranda complains about all the pitying, poor single you looks she gets from her married friends and hates the way they're viewed as lepers and losers - and Samantha chimes in with, "Don't forget whores!" then declares that married people are the enemy. Back at her apartment, Carrie ponders the notion of a secret cold war between single and married people. The camera then pans over to some random woman who says she loves her single friends - but now that she's married, she doesn't see them as much as she used to. She pityingly says, "It's too painful. They remind me of how desperate I used to be." After that, the camera pans over to a different woman, who grumbles about how annoying it is when individuals couple up and I suddenly becomes we. (That irks me too.) A sloppy looking guy complains about how his BFF married a woman who doesn't like him, so now he only sees his buddy on Superbowl Sunday. The first woman then reappears and sanctimoniously says, "It's all what you want out of life. Some people choose to grow up and face reality. Others live an empty, stunted life of adolescence." And then there are the people who don't put their entire self worth in their marital status, yet still manage to live contented, fulfilled lives. Carrie and Stanford are walking down the street, discussing the non-existent cold war between single and married people. Stanford says that gay men face the same problem, particularly when couples go to Hawaii and exchange vows. They run into Joe (an old boyfriend of Carrie's) and he's with his life partner, Lou. Awkward. Carrie says, "I haven't seen you since you were..." and Joe interjects and chirps, "Straight!" and proudly shows off his and Lou's gold bands. Stanford asks them where they're registered, so Lou says, "Barneys" and Stanford mutters, "I was kidding.." Not sure why they'd be registered at Barneys after the vow exchanging ceremony, but whatever. Joe asks Carrie if she's married, and she stammers, "No...not really. I mean, no." Joe and Lou grin at each other and ask her if she'd consider donating her eggs to them so they can have a baby, and Carrie just stares back at them in bewilderment as Lou hands her his card. After they scamper off, Carrie mutters something about being reduced to an egg farm for gay couples...and Stanford takes Lou's card from her and throws it into the trash. Miranda has grown tired of attending firm functions as a single person, so she finally agreed to be set up on a blind date. At her firm's softball game, her colleague Jeff introduces her to her date: a pleasant looking lesbian named Syd. Miranda stares at her uncomfortably before excusing herself to get a soda, and then marches over to Jeff and is all, "WTF? I'm not gay." Jeff stares back at her quizzically and says he's been with the firm for eight months and has never once seen her with a guy...and that that observation, plus her little boy haircuts and mannish wardrobe led him to the reasonable assumption that she's a lesbian. Miranda heads back to where Syd is standing and explains Jeff's befuddlement regarding her ambiguous sexuality...and fortunately Syd takes it well and agrees to stay and play softball. After the game, one of the firm's senior partners, Chip, goes over to where Miranda and Syd are cozily sitting and applauds their team play, then invites them to a dinner party that he and his wife are throwing in their swanky east side apartment. Miranda chirps, "We'd love to!" while Syd raises her eyebrows and is all, "We would?" Run, Syd. Run far and fast. In the next scene, Miranda is at Carrie's apartment, telling her how much friendlier Chip is to her now that he thinks she's in a relationship. She remarks that he seemed almost relieved to have figured her out...then says she's determined to make partner at the firm, even if it means becoming a faux lesbian. As Carrie taps away on her computer, she wonders if perhaps married people don't hate singles as much as they want them "figured out". My guess is that any married person with a life doesn't spend time pontificating about singles to the point where they're determining whether they hate them or merely want to figure them out. Carrie's lunching with her favorite married couple, David and Lisa. She tells them she enjoys being single except when she has to attend functions where everyone else is coupled up - then wonders aloud if perhaps she's not the marrying kind. Suddenly, a good looking friend of theirs named Sean "just happens" to stop by, and David and Lisa invite him to stay for dessert - a non-subtle move that Carrie easily identifies as a "surprise fix-up". After David and Lisa scurry off to let the two get to know each other, Carrie and Sean talk about their lives, their hopes and dreams...and about how they're both fully aware that this was a planned fix-up. Sean tells her that his parents met on a fix-up, and considering that they've been married for over forty years, it worked out well for them. As the date wraps up, Sean asks Carrie if he can see her again, and she says, "Sure!"...so over the next week, they go to several movies and shop together. During one of their outings, he invites her to a housewarming party and urges her to bring her friends. Carrie voice-overs that she wasn't really into him, but then likens him to a DKNY dress: "you know is not your style, but it's right there so you try it on". On the east side of Manhattan, faux gay Miranda and Syd attend a conservative dinner party...and Miranda looks very Victor Victoria-ish in a suit and tie and has her hair slicked back in an ugly, severe 'do. As that's going on, Carrie brings Charlotte and Samantha to Sean's housewarming party. Charlotte's impressed that Carrie snagged a new boyfriend in a week, but Carrie clarifies, "He's not my boyfriend...just somebody I'm trying on." When they enter Sean's apartment, Samantha gasps when she realizes that it's full of married couples. Sean rushes over to greet them, and after a brief introduction, Samantha heads over to the bar so she can start drinking heavily. Carrie voice-overs that when she moved through the apartment with Sean at her side, there was no pity or finger pointing by the married people and assumes that it's 'cause she was "figured out". Either that or the people were nodding hello to her because they're polite human beings. In the kitchen, Samantha is chatting to a dorky guy about the stock market when a bitchy looking woman enters, identifies herself as his wife...then shoots Samantha the stink-eye and steers the dork out of the room. Samantha just rolls her eyes and throws back a drink. Meanwhile, Sean gives Carrie and Charlotte a tour of the apartment...and when he shows them the den, he says he hopes it'll be a nursery one day, then shows them a crib mobile he bought in Aspen. Yikes. Charlotte actually looks kind of intrigued, while Carrie winces in horror. Carrie apologizes to Samantha, who's now doing tequila shots, for bringing her to a party full of married people...and Samantha surveys the partygoers and points out several of the men she's previously doinked. Charlotte excitedly tells Carrie that Sean is sooo going to ask her to marry him, but Carrie's like, "Uh, no" and reminds her that she's only been dating the guy for a week and a half...and Samantha drunkenly declares that if she turns into a married asshole, she won't hesitate to kill her. One of the female partygoers tells Carrie that Sean is a great guy who loves kids, owns his own business, and has 300K in the bank. Two of Sean's former girlfriends gabble about how awesome he is in bed, which was weird. Charlotte discreetly informs Carrie that Samantha is plastered and that they need to extract her from the kitchen, like pronto. A few seconds later, they run into Patience and Peter - and Carrie awkwardly says hello. She tries to apologize for getting an eyeful of Peter's penis the other day, but Patience firmly replies, "Don't mention it" while her dumbass husband smiles vacantly into space. Samantha emerges from the kitchen and blurts out, "This party is terrible!" then asks Patience and Peter who the hell they are. When she realizes that Peter is the guy who flashed his peter at Carrie, she points at him and says, "I heard about you!" and starts laughing uncontrollably. On the east side, Miranda thanks Chip for inviting her and Syd to dinner, then sends Syd off toward the elevators. Chip says he'd like to do it again soon, so Miranda comes clean and tells him that she and Syd aren't actually a couple. She confesses that she's not really a lesbian, and that she took advantage of the situation to bend his ear about the firm. Chip says, "Shrewd move. No harm done" then says his wife will be disappointed, since they were looking to add a lesbian couple to their social circle. Miranda contemplates this as she stands beside Syd in the elevator, then wonders if life would be easier as a lesbian. She leans toward Syd and gives her a smooch, then grimaces and says, "Yeah. Definitely straight" and Syd wryly agrees. Charlotte brings a drunk Samantha home with her, and as they enter her building, Samantha flirts with the young doorman. Charlotte brings her up to her apartment and puts her to bed...but a couple of hours later, a still-drunk Samantha stumbles back downstairs, flashes her scantily clad body to the doorman, and invites him upstairs for a romp. He covertly looks around, briefly makes out with her, then follows her inside the building. After the impromptu romp, Charlotte catches the shirtless doorman as he's sneaking out of her apartment. He explains that her slutty drunk friend invited him upstairs, then says he's been lonely for a woman's touch ever since he moved away from home. TMI, doorman. Charlotte just stares at him in icked-out bewilderment and says she's going into her bathroom now...and when she comes out, he needs to be gone. Carrie gets ready to depart Sean's apartment, and he looks disappointed and says he hoped she'd stay over. She scrunches her face in pity and makes it clear that it's not going to work out between them 'cause they clearly want different things: he wants to get married, and she has zero desire to be married to him. Sean sadly retorts, "You could smell my desperation" and Carrie's like, "Well, d'yuh" and jokes that she was trying him on to see if he was a fit...but quickly realized he wasn't. Sean sinks into a chair and says he doesn't understand women...then complains that all he keeps hearing is that women want to get married, but none of them ever says yes to him. He grumbles that he's tired of dating and just wants to find a wife already...and Carrie suddenly perks up and says she may have the perfect woman for him. The perfect woman ends up being Charlotte...and she clearly doesn't mind being sloppy seconds, 'cause in the next scene she and Sean are shopping for dishes. Sean shows her the china pattern he plans on buying for formal dining, and Charlotte makes a blech face and goes, "Are you serious?" She breaks it off right then and there, knowing that his taste in American Classic would be forever incompatible with her preference for French Country. Whatever, Charlotte. When she arrives at her building, her doorman sadly tells her that her friend never called him like she promised. He asks her why, and she gives him a funny look, says, "I dunno", and goes inside. Carrie struts down a Manhattan street, babbling more nonsense about the cold war between singles and married couples. She then decides that nothing's better than meeting up with her three single friends for a movie...and she and the gals happily greet each other hello and skip inside the theater. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Carrie is tapping away on her laptop, voice-overing about a dinner party Miranda attended with her new beau: a sports agent named Nick "who once told her she had nice legs". During the dinner, Nick goes around the table, asking everyone to name a classic movie star, living or dead, they'd like to fuck. Nice, classy dinner conversation. Miranda names Sean Connery (ick) and later told Carrie she felt as though she were "hitting it out of the ballpark" in terms of showcasing her winning personality to Nick and his friends while on their first date. In the kitchen, Miranda tells two of the female partygoers how she met Nick, and they tell her they adore him except for one troubling issue: he has a thing for models. They recount all the dreadful times he'd bring his vacuous lady friends to dinner parties, and all they'd do was push their food around and pout. At those dinners, Nick would do the same schtick where he asks everyone at the table which movie stars they'd like to fuck, and the models never had a good response to that question...and eventually their dumbness got to be a real problem. After one particularly bad dinner party, Nick's two female friends challenged him to bring around a woman who can keep up her end of the conversation...and eat without purging. They flat out told him, "We don't want any more models. It's too depressing" so Nick agreed to test out their advice, and - voilà! - he brought Miranda to the next dinner party. Miranda just stares back at them in complete horror, probably 'cause a) they're essentially saying she's not attractive enough to be model material (which she's not, but we can't all be supermodels) and b) she just learned that her new beau is a shallow, soulless shitbag. During the cab ride home, Miranda confronts Nick about his alleged modelizing, and he admits that he is, indeed, obsessed with models...despite the fact that, at best, he's about a four on the looks meter. She stares at him incredulously and snarks, “So what am I? Your intellectual beard for the evening?” and he just kind of shrugs and reminds her that she had a good time tonight - and she storms off angrily. In a diner the next day, Miranda tells Carrie about her date with the modelizer. She looks despondent as she wonders aloud what chance regular looking women have if ugly shitbags like Nick are only willing to date models...and, conversely, if models are willing to date ugly shitbags like Nick. Carrie's tapping away on her computer again, writing about modelizers and how they're a step beyond regular, garden variety womanizers. She explains that in most cities, models only exist on TV ads or billboards...but in New York they're everywhere, which allows modelizers the opportunity to "pet the creatures in their natural habitat". Carrie stares into the camera and wails, "As if we didn't have enough problems!" The gals have gathered at Carrie's place for dinner, and they're eating Chinese takeout and whining about how unfair it is for regular women to have to compete with models. Miranda grumbles that their culture promotes impossible standards of beauty, and Charlotte says she just wants to give up on feeling attractive whenever she sees Christy Turlington. She complains about her thighs (please), Miranda hates her chin (not sure why), and Carrie hates her nose (OK yeah - I'd feel the same way if I had a schnoz like that). Samantha just stares back at them mutely, 'cause she isn't troubled by any of her body parts. Carrie tells Charlotte and Miranda that their insecurities are silly, and that they shouldn't be intimidated by some "unreal fantasy". Two hollow-eyed models tell viewers that guys who fall for beautiful women are usually slime-balls who just want to get laid. And speaking of slime-balls who just want to get laid, Nick appears on the screen to confirm this theory and says, "Why fuck the girl in the skirt if you can fuck the girl in the ad for the skirt?" I say, why not just masturbate all over the ad for the skirt? Another model gleefully declares, "Being beautiful is such a power, and can get you whatever you want." The camera then cuts back to Nick, who says that his friends think he's a shallow dickwad - an assessment he agrees with, but then swiftly disregards as he cackles, "And then I remember: I'm fucking a model!" Carrie's hanging with a male friend named Barclay, and like Nick he's a shallow, soulless shitbag who thinks that models are the only type of women who are acceptable to hit the sheets with. He's also a pretend artist who, Carrie voice-overs, "maintains a fabulous lifestyle despite never having sold a painting". No doubt he lives in a spacious SoHo loft. Barclay smears paint on a huge canvas while imparting his wisdom to Carrie about how he's so frequently able to bone beautiful women: the trick is to treat them like regular girls. He babbles about much he loves beautiful things, then invokes his "real art", which he can't show to the public (without the risk of getting arrested or sued). He steers her over to a bunch of TVs stacked together and turns them on, and - OMFG - we get to see six simultaneous sex videos of him and different models. He explains that he likes to videotape his conquests, so Carrie asks him if the women were aware they were being filmed, and he just smirks and says, "Maybe." For a few seconds, Carrie looks like she's at a loss for words...but then pulls out a cigarette and asks, "Do you have a light?" and actually starts to look intrigued by the pornographic footage of her shitbag friend fucking various women who may or may not have been told that they were being filmed. Wow, show. Carrie meets up with her dorky friend Skipper, who prefers to get his kicks off the runway. He gushes about how much he digs Miranda, who he calls sexy and smart, and tells Carrie all about how they made out during the pilot episode, and that it was hot. Unfortunately, she won't return any his phone calls, and he stupidly wonders if maybe she's just really really busy. He asks Carrie if he's cute enough to date Miranda (clearly not), so Carrie fibs and assures him he is. He then gets an awful idea and asks her to call Miranda on her cell phone right now to ask her if she likes him. Against Carrie's better judgement, she dials Miranda's number - but, mercifully, gets her answering machine. Skipper grabs the phone and leaves a rambling message about how badly he wants her to call him back..and Carrie realizes what a terrible idea it was to fix up her friends. Especially when one of the friends is a clueless halfwit like Skipper. Stanford gets Carrie into the hottest fashion show in town...and he brings her backstage so she can check out his client: Derek, the world's biggest underwear model (nicknamed The Bone). Stanford starts fawning all over Derek, stroking his buff bod and telling him what a big star he's going to be. Carrie looks embarrassed for him and pulls him away so they can let Derek get dressed, but Derek grunts, "I am dressed." Stanford and Carrie make their way to the front row, where Samantha's already sitting. Barclay suddenly appears in the row behind them and asks Carrie if they're going to the after party, and she's like, "I dunno." Samantha turns around to check him out, likes what she sees and chirps, "Of course we are!" She introduces herself to Soulless Shitbag and immediately looks smitten. She would. Carrie then gives Samantha the heads up that Barclay is a total modelizer, but she jusst looks intrigued and takes it as a personal challenge. She turns around to look at Barclay again, and he winks at her. Carrie's at the after party, chowing down on appetizers when Mr. Big appears. He tells her he's been reading her column, calls it cute, then asks her where she pounds out her little stories. She looks miffed at her life's work being described as cute, then tells him she usually writes in her apartment, as well as a nearby cafe. She tells him she's currently writing about douchebag men who only date models and asks him if he has any thoughts on the matter. He just shrugs and says, "I think these men are lucky" and adds that some men just really like sleeping with beautiful women. Suddenly, a statuesque woman walks over and stands beside Big, and Carrie stares up at her and politely tells her she was great in the fashion show. Bwahahaha! Big smirks and breezily tells Carrie, "See you around some time!" and high-tails it with his model date. Bwahahaha! Samantha giddily tells Carrie that Barclay has been coming onto her and wonders if he thinks she's a model. (Um...probably not.) Carrie advises her not to go there, since shitbag has a thing for secretly taping himself having sex with the women he beds - but this only peaks Samantha's interest, and she purrs, "Really?" Shortly after that, Carrie leaves the party, voice-overing about how invisible and insecure she started to feel. She hails a cab and suddenly Derek appears beside her and asks her where she's going. She tells him she's heading home and he goes, "Can I come?" He explains that he doesn't like parties and wants to go somewhere quiet, then climbs into her cab. Carrie mulls over the prospect of going home with a hot male model, then quickly climbs in after him. After they reach her apartment, Carrie asks Derek if he shouldn't be spending the night with a model from the fashion show, but Derek makes a blech face and says he never dates models and thinks they're stupid. The two enjoy a glass of wine while relaxing on her bed, and he starts gabbling about how self conscious he is about everything. He tells her he wants to move back to Iowa, become a cop, and have kids...then asks her what she wants to be when [or if] she grows up, and she says, "This might be it." He lays on her bed and complains about how lonely he gets in the city...and she looks perplexed and voice-overs that she can't understand how such a beautiful person could be so lonely. Miranda is in a convenience store buying cat food when she runs into Skipper. He asks her why she hasn't returned any of his calls, then whines, "I thought we had a connection." She asks him if he wouldn't rather go out with a woman his own age, and his response is to call her luminous. LOL. Whatever, Skipper. Miranda perks up at being described as luminous and invites the dork to come back to her apartment for an impromptu doink. Samantha found the ultimate validation: sex with Barclay. While they're going at it, she asks him where the camera is, then explains that Carrie told her about his revolting art/hobby/douchebaggery. He tells her, "I only tape models" but when she starts pouting, he agrees to make an exception and turns on the camera. A newly energized Samantha gets more into the sex, staring straight into the camera. The next morning, Stanford calls Carrie and asks her if she knows what happened to Derek last night. She mutely hands Derek the phone, and Stanford has a freakout and orders Derek, "Put Carrie back on!" He shrieks, "How could you?!" and she assures him they didn't, and just spent the night talking. Stanford breathes a sigh of relief and takes it as an encouraging sign that his hot client might be gay. We get one last testimonial from Nick, the soulless shitbag, who leaves an apartment building one morning looking tired and disheveled. He whines to viewers about how all the models he's been fucking lately are tiring him out, and that he feels like an old man at 34. All I can say to that is thank goodness we never have to lay eyes on this ugly cretin ever again on Sex and the City. Carrie's in the cafe near her apartment, tapping away on her computer. She bitterly voice-overs about how being beautiful is like having a rent controlled apartment overlooking Central Park: "unfair, and bestowed upon those who deserve it least". Mr. Big enters the cafe and she perks up at the sight of him and chirps, "Hi!" He tells her he's been thinking a lot about what she said about modelizers, then says, "There are so many gorgeous women in the city. But after awhile you just want to be with one who makes you laugh, know what I mean?" As Carrie chuckles happily, he goes, "OK, see ya" and heads back out. She continues to grin to herself and gets back to writing her sex-centric drivel. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: The pilot of Sex and the City tries oooh sooo hard to appear edgy and groundbreaking by being brazenly raunchy for brazen raunchiness' sake...and the awfulness of the episode (and, frankly, the show) is further compounded by the relentless stream of pronouncements and witticisms about sex/dating/relationships. The series opens with a voice-over from Carrie Bradshaw, who regales viewers with the sad tale of a beautiful blonde journalist named Elizabeth who meets an investment banker named Tim. For two weeks, the pair dated, snuggled, and had lots of fantastic sex. One day he took her to look at a townhouse that was for sale and popped the question - which is a fucking insane thing to do when you've only known someone for two weeks - but nevertheless...soon after that, Tim became distant and no longer returned Elizabeth's phone calls. In the next scene, Elizabeth is moaning about the callous fuckbag to Carrie, who puffs on a cigarette and tries to look empathetic. She then turns to the camera (an annoying schtick they mercifully did away with after Season 1) and solemnly declares to viewers, "It was the end of love in Manhattan. Welcome to the age of un-innocence." Carrie is in her Upper East Side apartment, which someone who writes a superfluous sex column for a tabloid rag could never possibly afford, tapping away on her computer. (I realize that twenty/thirty something New Yorkers on TV shows never have realistic apartments, but that doesn't it make it any less irksome to watch.) She's writing about the hundreds - nay thousands of women who are looking for love in Manhattan, then ponders one of the great mysteries of life: why are there so many great unmarried women, but no great unmarried men? Flawed theories like this, she explains, are the kinds of issues she explores in her shittastic column, Sex and the City. To support her premise that all men are heartless monsters, we get "testimonials" from two douchebags in suits who disdainfully tell viewers how desperate women become once they enter their thirties. Apparently, they all want to be married and have children instead of just wanting to have a good time. After that, we get a testimonial from Miranda Hobbes, who talks about a former friend who used to date one sexy guy after another - until she woke up one morning and realized she was forty-one years old - egads! - and was no longer young enough or pretty enough to get any more dates. Once the devastation of aging set in, she had a nervous breakdown, lost her job, and moved to Wisconsin to live with her mother. In another testimonial, Charlotte York repeats the tired old nonsense, "most men are threatened by successful women", and offers her take on the dicey world of sex/dating/relationships in Manhattan: "Keep your mouth shut and play by the rules." OMFG. Out of all the testimonial givers, I wanted to smack Charlotte the hardest. For a change of pace, we get a short testimonial from a bespectacled, curly haired dork named Skipper, who believes that love conquers all...but thinks romance is lacking in Manhattan. The four gals are celebrating Miranda's birthday, which Carrie describes as "another thirty something birthday with a group of unmarried female friends". Samantha urges her friends to stop whining about not being in a relationship and just fuck around the way men do: without feelings. For instance, she recently hit the sheets with a guy who was super hot in bed - and she didn't give a hoot about him before, during, or after! How fantastic. Miranda argues that men don't like it when you use them just for sex 'cause it hinders their performance abilities, and Samantha just shakes her head and barks, "That's when you dump them." Carrie furrows her brows as if they're actually having a reasonable discussion and asks, "What about romance?" and Samantha derisively rolls her eyes at the ridiculous notion. Miranda tells the girls about a poet she recently doinked, then says (and this quote is word for word): "The sex was incredible, but then he wanted to read me his poetry and go to dinner - and I was just like, let's not go there." Right...because God forbid anyone on this show have any kind of interaction that doesn't revolve solely around cocks and lubricant. Charlotte looks troubled and says it's sick to give up on the idea of love - but Samantha insists that the idea of "the right guy" is just an illusion. Carrie, meanwhile, is curious if it's truly possible for women to pull off the whole women having sex like men thing...and then one of them invokes the movie, The Last Seduction, and all four cackle over the lascivious way Linda Fiorentino nailed some guy against a chain link fence. Charlotte poutishly contorts her face and snaps, "I hate that movie." Back in her swanky East Side apartment, Carrie ponders Samantha's demented ravings from the previous scene and wonders aloud if it could mean that all women are giving up on romance and opting to "throttle up on power"...which I will assume means rampant, vengeful coitus. She grins mischievously and calls it "a tempting thought". Carrie's out for drinks with her favorite gay, Stanford Blatch. His take on sex/dating/relationships is that the gay community may be the only place left where true love can happen. He laments that he doesn't have time for a significant other, since his client, Derek, takes up all of his time (FYI: Stanny's a talent agent). He suddenly glances across the room, goes, "Ack!" and discreetly informs Carrie that a guy she used to semi-regularly doink, Kurt Harrington, is sitting at the bar. Carrie glances over at him, then turns to the camera and tells viewers, "Kurt was a mistake I made in my twenties." Stanford cautions her not to go over there, then reminds her that Kurt is scum...plus, he doesn't have the patience to clean up that emotional carnage ever again. Carrie assures him she has absolutely no feelings for Kurt, then excuses herself to go to the "bathroom" and covertly tells viewers that she's now able to see Kurt for what he was: a self-centered creep who was the best sex of her life. She sashays over to the bar, flashes Kurt a coquettish smile and asks him what he's doing here. He's like, "Hey babe" and gives her a once-over and says she looks gorgeous, then asks how her life is going...and she shrugs casually and says, "The usual." She asks him if he's seeing anyone special, and he goes, "Not really" and she tells him she's being boned every now and then by a few different guys. Back at the table, Stanford is frantically waving his arms, mouthing, "NOOOO!" but Carrie ignores his pleas and asks Kurt what he's doing later. He chuckles and throws it in her face that she once declared she'd never talk to him again, so she takes a puff from his cigarette and saucily replies, "Who said anything about talking?" He perks up and goes, "My place, three o'clock?" and she's like, "OK!" She returns to the table where a dismayed Stanford is waiting, and he glares at her and snaps, "What the hell are you doing?!" She rolls her eyes condescendingly, tells him to calm down, and explains that she's "conducting research". Carrie's getting oral sex from Kurt (I will assume), moaning his name while I ran to the nearest toilet to throw up. She gleefully informs viewers that he's even better in the sack than she remembers...but this time she has the advantage of knowing she's not going to allow any pesky human emotions to get in the way of her orgasms. No, ma'am. Kurt emerges from under the covers and says it's his turn now, but she checks her watch and says, "Sorry - I have to get back to work." He's all, "Wuh? Are you serious?" and she tries her hardest to sound breezy as she replies, "I'll give you a call - maybe we can do this again sometime." As she strolls on a busy Manhattan street, she proudly voice-overs, "I'd done it! I'd just had sex like a man" and adds that she feels "powerful, potent, and incredibly alive" - like she owned the city, and nothing or no one could get in her way. Calm down, Carrie. All you did was have a nooner with a vapid dinkwhistle who wouldn't give two shits if a bus hit you. Someone accidentally bumps into her, causing her to drop the contents of her purse all over the sidewalk...and as she's kneeling to pick up the various birth control products she totes around, a man stops to help her. [Spoiler: it's her future husband, the man she annoyingly nicknames "Mr. Big".] She glances up at him and notices: 1) he was handsome, and 2) he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. He hands her the condoms that spilled out of her purse, and she coyly thanks him before scurrying off in her age-inappropriate, thigh-baring outfit. She can't resist turning around to sneak a last glimpse...and is delighted to see that he's waving at her. Run fast, run far, John Preston. In the next scene, Carrie is having coffee with Skipper, who's complaining that it's been a year since he's slept with anyone. She's all, "Wuh?" and says he's such a nice guy, so he says maybe he's too nice, has too many feelings, and is too much of a romantic. Carrie blurts out, "Are you sure you're not gay?" and Skipper insists he's not a stereotypically sensitive gay man; he's just a decent person who doesn't routinely objectify women. Sorry, Skipper...but until you learn to objectify, demean and jump into bed with every woman you rub up against, there's no place for you on this show. He asks Carrie if she has any friends she could set him up with, and for some reason Miranda comes to mind...even though she strongly suspects that Miranda will hate Skipper on sight. She nonsensically predicts, "She'd think he was mocking her with his sweet nature and decide he was an asshole - the way she's decided all men are assholes." Charlotte calls Carrie and says she can't go out with them tomorrow night 'cause she has a date with Capote Duncan, one of Manhattan's most eligible, douchebaggiest bachelors. Charlotte makes it clear that she has no interest in her have sex like a man challenge, and Carrie puts her hand over the receiver and conspiratorially tells viewers she declined to tell Charlotte about how good her cheap and easy sex with Kurt felt. She then wishes Charlotte a good time and makes her promise to tell her everything 'cause they both have the maturity of thirteen year old girls. It's Friday night, and the gals (minus Charlotte) are at a bar named Chaos, where apparently the crème de la crème of New York likes to party. Miranda is sitting at a table with Skipper, complaining that every woman in the bar looks like a model. He mumbles, "Yeah, it's like under-eaters anonymous" and she stares at him, stone-faced, and replies with a slight edge in her voice, "That's funny, Skippy." He reminds her it's Skipper, but she starts blathering about a theory she just concocted in her head: men hate pretty girls because they used to reject them in high school. Skipper points out that a non-model can still be an interesting person, and Miranda glares at him and snaps, "Are you saying I'm not pretty?" so he assures her she is...but she tunes him out and accuses him of putting women into one of two categories: boring/beautiful or interesting/ugly. He insists that that's not what he's saying - and suddenly she asks him if he has his hand on her knee (yep - there it is...don't know why he'd want to go there, though). She orders him to keep his hands where she can see them, then has the temerity to ask him if he finds her beautiful and interesting. Sadly, Skipper doesn't have the nerve to tell her she belongs in the shrill/cunty category...or that her little boy hairdo doesn't help compensate for her bitchiness. Carrie's wandering around Chaos, looking like a cheap hooker in a hideous leopard print bra top. She runs into Kurt, who tells her how happy he is that she finally understands the type of non-relationship he wants with her: sex without a commitment. She looks stricken and mumbles, "Right...sure...I guess" and promises to give him a call next time she's in the mood for casual sex. Kurt says he really likes "the new Carrie", then promptly ditches her to canoodle with a statuesque woman standing at the bar. Carrie looks crestfallen and sheepishly tells viewers she doesn't feel so powerful and in control anymore. Hmm...I guess not all women are giving up on the idea of romance in order to "throttle up on power" after all. Samantha points out Mr. Big to Carrie and tells her he may be the next Donald Trump...except he's younger, better looking, and nowhere near as gigantic an assclown. She remarks that she's often seen this handsome stranger in the company of models...then - in her deluded mind - decides she's as good looking as any model. She touches up her makeup, then sashays over to where Donald Trump 2 is standing. Charlotte is wrapping up her date with Capote Duncan. He invites her to his place under the pretense of wanting to show her an expensive painting he owns, and she agrees to stop in for just a minute. When they arrive, she stares at the painting, moans, "It's beautiful" and estimates its worth at 100K. Capote lays on the smarm and insists that she's the beautiful one, then gives her an intense smooch. When their lips unlock, Charlotte tells him she has to get up really early, and he seems fine with that and offers to call her a cab. Charlotte smiles to herself, smugly satisfied with how flawlessly she played the evening; however, when the cab arrives, Capote climbs into it with her and says he's headed to Chaos. She's all, "Wuh?" so he explains that while he respects her decision not to have sex on their first date, he really really needs to have sex tonight...so badly, in fact, that he couldn't wait for the next available cab. Charlotte looks icked out by the gross turn her evening has suddenly taken, then stares mournfully out the window. Back at Chaos, Samantha is not so subtly putting the moves on Mr. Big, but he's not into it and rebuffs her advances. She tells him she has the key to the private room downstairs then suggestively asks him if he wants a private tour, but he makes a blech face and replies, "No thanks. Maybe another time." Haha! And ouch. Skipper has become hopelessly smitten with Miranda, which can only mean he's completely insane. She starts to give him the 'you're a nice guy, but' speech, but he quickly silences her with a big smooch. Capote has found his "fix" for the night: Samantha. Shocker. He takes her back to his place and the two go at it...but before the buttons start popping off, he tells her in no uncertain terms that she can't stay over. She assures him she has no desire or time for any activity that doesn't involve the immediate gratification of their genitals, then strips off her clothes. Carrie's having trouble hailing a cab, and just when all hope of getting a ride home is lost, a fancy black car pulls up beside her. Mr. Big, who's being chauffeured by his driver, rolls down the window and invites her to hop in. She does, then gives the driver her address. He asks her what she does, and she explains that partying at bars is her life's work, then refers to herself as a sexual anthropologist. He makes a face and goes, "You mean...like a hooker?" - bwahahaha! yes! - so she explains that she's in the midst of writing a column that entails researching whether or not women enjoy having casual sex the way men do. Mr. Big says he's not into casual sex, and she stares at him in befuddlement and blurts out, "Wow! What's wrong with you?" and he chuckles knowingly and says, "I get it. You've never been in love." Carrie dramatically slumps back in her seat, then voice-overs that at that moment she suddenly felt the wind being knocked out of her. The car pulls up in front of her building, and she gets out, then turns around and knocks on the window. When Mr. Big rolls it down, she asks him if he's ever been in love...and he gives her a wide-toothed grin and says, "Abso-fucking-lutely." As the car pulls away, Carrie remains rooted to the spot and mulls that over. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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