Recap: Carrie is tapping away on her laptop, voice-overing about a dinner party Miranda attended with her new beau: a sports agent named Nick "who once told her she had nice legs". During the dinner, Nick goes around the table, asking everyone to name a classic movie star, living or dead, they'd like to fuck. Nice, classy dinner conversation. Miranda names Sean Connery (ick) and later told Carrie she felt as though she were "hitting it out of the ballpark" in terms of showcasing her winning personality to Nick and his friends while on their first date.
In the kitchen, Miranda tells two of the female partygoers how she met Nick, and they tell her they adore him except for one troubling issue: he has a thing for models. They recount all the dreadful times he'd bring his vacuous lady friends to dinner parties, and all they'd do was push their food around and pout. At those dinners, Nick would do the same schtick where he asks everyone at the table which movie stars they'd like to fuck, and the models never had a good response to that question...and eventually their dumbness got to be a real problem. After one particularly bad dinner party, Nick's two female friends challenged him to bring around a woman who can keep up her end of the conversation...and eat without purging. They flat out told him, "We don't want any more models. It's too depressing" so Nick agreed to test out their advice, and - voilà! - he brought Miranda to the next dinner party. Miranda just stares back at them in complete horror, probably 'cause a) they're essentially saying she's not attractive enough to be model material (which she's not, but we can't all be supermodels) and b) she just learned that her new beau is a shallow, soulless shitbag.
During the cab ride home, Miranda confronts Nick about his alleged modelizing, and he admits that he is, indeed, obsessed with models...despite the fact that, at best, he's about a four on the looks meter. She stares at him incredulously and snarks, “So what am I? Your intellectual beard for the evening?” and he just kind of shrugs and reminds her that she had a good time tonight - and she storms off angrily.
In a diner the next day, Miranda tells Carrie about her date with the modelizer. She looks despondent as she wonders aloud what chance regular looking women have if ugly shitbags like Nick are only willing to date models...and, conversely, if models are willing to date ugly shitbags like Nick.
Carrie's tapping away on her computer again, writing about modelizers and how they're a step beyond regular, garden variety womanizers. She explains that in most cities, models only exist on TV ads or billboards...but in New York they're everywhere, which allows modelizers the opportunity to "pet the creatures in their natural habitat". Carrie stares into the camera and wails, "As if we didn't have enough problems!"
The gals have gathered at Carrie's place for dinner, and they're eating Chinese takeout and whining about how unfair it is for regular women to have to compete with models. Miranda grumbles that their culture promotes impossible standards of beauty, and Charlotte says she just wants to give up on feeling attractive whenever she sees Christy Turlington. She complains about her thighs (please), Miranda hates her chin (not sure why), and Carrie hates her nose (OK yeah - I'd feel the same way if I had a schnoz like that). Samantha just stares back at them mutely, 'cause she isn't troubled by any of her body parts. Carrie tells Charlotte and Miranda that their insecurities are silly, and that they shouldn't be intimidated by some "unreal fantasy".
Two hollow-eyed models tell viewers that guys who fall for beautiful women are usually slime-balls who just want to get laid. And speaking of slime-balls who just want to get laid, Nick appears on the screen to confirm this theory and says, "Why fuck the girl in the skirt if you can fuck the girl in the ad for the skirt?" I say, why not just masturbate all over the ad for the skirt? Another model gleefully declares, "Being beautiful is such a power, and can get you whatever you want." The camera then cuts back to Nick, who says that his friends think he's a shallow dickwad - an assessment he agrees with, but then swiftly disregards as he cackles, "And then I remember: I'm fucking a model!"
Carrie's hanging with a male friend named Barclay, and like Nick he's a shallow, soulless shitbag who thinks that models are the only type of women who are acceptable to hit the sheets with. He's also a pretend artist who, Carrie voice-overs, "maintains a fabulous lifestyle despite never having sold a painting". No doubt he lives in a spacious SoHo loft. Barclay smears paint on a huge canvas while imparting his wisdom to Carrie about how he's so frequently able to bone beautiful women: the trick is to treat them like regular girls. He babbles about much he loves beautiful things, then invokes his "real art", which he can't show to the public (without the risk of getting arrested or sued). He steers her over to a bunch of TVs stacked together and turns them on, and - OMFG - we get to see six simultaneous sex videos of him and different models. He explains that he likes to videotape his conquests, so Carrie asks him if the women were aware they were being filmed, and he just smirks and says, "Maybe." For a few seconds, Carrie looks like she's at a loss for words...but then pulls out a cigarette and asks, "Do you have a light?" and actually starts to look intrigued by the pornographic footage of her shitbag friend fucking various women who may or may not have been told that they were being filmed. Wow, show.
Carrie meets up with her dorky friend Skipper, who prefers to get his kicks off the runway. He gushes about how much he digs Miranda, who he calls sexy and smart, and tells Carrie all about how they made out during the pilot episode, and that it was hot. Unfortunately, she won't return any his phone calls, and he stupidly wonders if maybe she's just really really busy. He asks Carrie if he's cute enough to date Miranda (clearly not), so Carrie fibs and assures him he is. He then gets an awful idea and asks her to call Miranda on her cell phone right now to ask her if she likes him. Against Carrie's better judgement, she dials Miranda's number - but, mercifully, gets her answering machine. Skipper grabs the phone and leaves a rambling message about how badly he wants her to call him back..and Carrie realizes what a terrible idea it was to fix up her friends. Especially when one of the friends is a clueless halfwit like Skipper.
Stanford gets Carrie into the hottest fashion show in town...and he brings her backstage so she can check out his client: Derek, the world's biggest underwear model (nicknamed The Bone). Stanford starts fawning all over Derek, stroking his buff bod and telling him what a big star he's going to be. Carrie looks embarrassed for him and pulls him away so they can let Derek get dressed, but Derek grunts, "I am dressed." Stanford and Carrie make their way to the front row, where Samantha's already sitting. Barclay suddenly appears in the row behind them and asks Carrie if they're going to the after party, and she's like, "I dunno." Samantha turns around to check him out, likes what she sees and chirps, "Of course we are!" She introduces herself to Soulless Shitbag and immediately looks smitten. She would. Carrie then gives Samantha the heads up that Barclay is a total modelizer, but she jusst looks intrigued and takes it as a personal challenge. She turns around to look at Barclay again, and he winks at her.
Carrie's at the after party, chowing down on appetizers when Mr. Big appears. He tells her he's been reading her column, calls it cute, then asks her where she pounds out her little stories. She looks miffed at her life's work being described as cute, then tells him she usually writes in her apartment, as well as a nearby cafe. She tells him she's currently writing about douchebag men who only date models and asks him if he has any thoughts on the matter. He just shrugs and says, "I think these men are lucky" and adds that some men just really like sleeping with beautiful women. Suddenly, a statuesque woman walks over and stands beside Big, and Carrie stares up at her and politely tells her she was great in the fashion show. Bwahahaha! Big smirks and breezily tells Carrie, "See you around some time!" and high-tails it with his model date. Bwahahaha!
Samantha giddily tells Carrie that Barclay has been coming onto her and wonders if he thinks she's a model. (Um...probably not.) Carrie advises her not to go there, since shitbag has a thing for secretly taping himself having sex with the women he beds - but this only peaks Samantha's interest, and she purrs, "Really?" Shortly after that, Carrie leaves the party, voice-overing about how invisible and insecure she started to feel. She hails a cab and suddenly Derek appears beside her and asks her where she's going. She tells him she's heading home and he goes, "Can I come?" He explains that he doesn't like parties and wants to go somewhere quiet, then climbs into her cab. Carrie mulls over the prospect of going home with a hot male model, then quickly climbs in after him.
After they reach her apartment, Carrie asks Derek if he shouldn't be spending the night with a model from the fashion show, but Derek makes a blech face and says he never dates models and thinks they're stupid. The two enjoy a glass of wine while relaxing on her bed, and he starts gabbling about how self conscious he is about everything. He tells her he wants to move back to Iowa, become a cop, and have kids...then asks her what she wants to be when [or if] she grows up, and she says, "This might be it." He lays on her bed and complains about how lonely he gets in the city...and she looks perplexed and voice-overs that she can't understand how such a beautiful person could be so lonely.
Miranda is in a convenience store buying cat food when she runs into Skipper. He asks her why she hasn't returned any of his calls, then whines, "I thought we had a connection." She asks him if he wouldn't rather go out with a woman his own age, and his response is to call her luminous. LOL. Whatever, Skipper. Miranda perks up at being described as luminous and invites the dork to come back to her apartment for an impromptu doink.
Samantha found the ultimate validation: sex with Barclay. While they're going at it, she asks him where the camera is, then explains that Carrie told her about his revolting art/hobby/douchebaggery. He tells her, "I only tape models" but when she starts pouting, he agrees to make an exception and turns on the camera. A newly energized Samantha gets more into the sex, staring straight into the camera.
The next morning, Stanford calls Carrie and asks her if she knows what happened to Derek last night. She mutely hands Derek the phone, and Stanford has a freakout and orders Derek, "Put Carrie back on!" He shrieks, "How could you?!" and she assures him they didn't, and just spent the night talking. Stanford breathes a sigh of relief and takes it as an encouraging sign that his hot client might be gay.
We get one last testimonial from Nick, the soulless shitbag, who leaves an apartment building one morning looking tired and disheveled. He whines to viewers about how all the models he's been fucking lately are tiring him out, and that he feels like an old man at 34. All I can say to that is thank goodness we never have to lay eyes on this ugly cretin ever again on Sex and the City.
Carrie's in the cafe near her apartment, tapping away on her computer. She bitterly voice-overs about how being beautiful is like having a rent controlled apartment overlooking Central Park: "unfair, and bestowed upon those who deserve it least". Mr. Big enters the cafe and she perks up at the sight of him and chirps, "Hi!" He tells her he's been thinking a lot about what she said about modelizers, then says, "There are so many gorgeous women in the city. But after awhile you just want to be with one who makes you laugh, know what I mean?" As Carrie chuckles happily, he goes, "OK, see ya" and heads back out. She continues to grin to herself and gets back to writing her sex-centric drivel.
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