Dynasty - Season 3, Episode 20

"Whaddya say we tear off our clothes and give this bear skin rug a workout?"

"The Downstairs Bride"
Original airdate: 3/9/1983

Episode summary: Steven goes to New York to try to reconcile with Sammy Jo, but she's not interested and tells him to go pee up a rope. Jeff and Kirby return to Carrington manor as husband and wife. Blake fights to prevent Alexis from convening a merger meeting with his board members.

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Recap: Krystle and Blake are discussing Jeff's and Kirby's quickie wedding as they breakfast in the solarium. She says that Joseph thinks the marriage is a mistake, but Blake just shrugs indifferently and says it's their decision - but hopes that when Jeff proposed, he wasn't still suffering the squirrelly after-effects of being poisoned.

Over in Reno, Jeff and Kirby are packing up for their return home. Kirby gushes about how happy she is to be married to her dream man...but also how bummed she is about returning to Denver, aka reality. She's worried that Fallon will be pissed off at them for getting married without alerting her, but Jeff points out that they don't owe Fallon anything, and that he's anxious to return home and be reunited with his son.

Steven is cuddling Danny in the nursery when Krystle enters the room. She tells him that Blake is still upset about their quarrel from the previous episode, but Steven just shrugs and calls it "business as usual".  He bitchily adds that the only reason he came back to Denver was to be with Danny...and wants to explore the possibility of reconciling with Sammy Jo so the three of them can live happily ever after as a family. What a clueless sap. Krystle warns him that Sammy Jo is nothing more than a vapid opportunist who's made it clear she has no interest in Danny, but Steven refuses to take her word for it and bitchily tells her he needs to figure all of this out for himself.

In New York, a young Eric Forrester from The Bold and the Beautiful carries a breakfast (well...lunch) tray to Sammy Jo, who's still lounging in bed at 11:30am. He tells her he's off to an important business meeting, and she poutishly reminds him he promised to arrange for her to get a contract as an exclusive model. Eric Forrester coos, "These things take time", then kisses her goodbye and heads out. Sammy Jo finds a copy of The National Enquirer on her night stand and settles back into bed to get caught up on the news. Featured on the cover is a photo of the cast of Dallas with the headline "Sneak Preview" (I would soo enjoy reading that article), along with the breaking news headline above it: Denver-Carrington Heir Found - Steven Carrington Alive.

"It's time to get caught up on world events."

"Yippee! A sneak preview of Dallas!"

Over at ColbyCo, Alexis is on the phone with her investigator, Morgan Hess, and she chides him for not uncovering enough scandalous dirt on Congressman McVane. Blake suddenly barges into her office, so Alexis acts all covert and pretends to be on the phone with someone else and quickly hangs up. Blake starts berating her for poisoning Steven's mind against him and tells her that Steven's planning to fly to New York to see Sammy Jo. Alexis gasps and goes, "He's not going to try to reconcile with that tramp, is he?" Blake says they need to stop turning their son's life into a battleground to settle their own interests and asks for her help in burying the past, and she agrees to put their hostilities aside. He snaps, "Good!" and then storms out.

Alexis reminds Adam that he promised to be a good brother to Steven and wants them to be friends. Adam says he'll do his best and just hopes Steven will like him. Considering Steven's general prickliness about fucking everything, that might be asking a lot. It also doesn't help that Adam's a smarmy psychopath.

Jeff and Kirby return to Carrington manor. Fallon greets them in the vestibule and congratulates them on their nuptials...and the three exchange awkward, but pleasant chitchat. After that, Fallon and Jeff head upstairs to the nursery and Kirby goes off in search of her father. When Jeff asks Fallon if she's really, truly OK with him being remarried, she assures him she's genuinely happy for him and hopes that he and Kirby will be able to make it work.

Kirby finds Joseph in the kitchen, and he dismisses the servants from the room so he can berate her in private. He tells her she's ruined her life by marrying Jeff, but she argues, "I'm married to a man I love. How could I be ruining my life?" and says it would be nice if he congratulated her. He grumbles about how she's not from the same world as the Colbys or Carringtons and seems to be really hung up on her being "the downstairs girl who married up". He sourly asks her what he's supposed to call her now - madame? your royal highness? - then storms out in his usual pole-up-his-butt manner.

Blake meets with Jeff in his Denver-Carrington office and offers his congratulations on his new marriage, then asks him if he was of sound mind when he married Kirby...and Jeff assures him that all of his faculties were in good working order when he made the decision to wed. Blake laments about how they're no longer in-laws, but says the most important thing is his happiness. Jeff changes the subject and tells him he wants to sue Alexis for making him sign over shares of Baby Blake's stocks to her while his brain was discombobulated - but Blake urges him not to, and says the case will likely be dragged out for years and that he'll be raked over the coals in the press for his bout of temporary insanity. He says he wants to fight Alexis his way, and Jeff agrees to back off. Blake then says he's welcome to continue living at Carrington manor with Kirby, and Jeff thank him and promises to think it over.

Adam arrives at the mansion and heads up to Steven's room for some brotherly bonding. Steven has just finished packing a bag and tells him he can't talk right now 'cause he's off to New York to see about reuniting with his wife. Adam says he's heard a lot about Sammy Jo, then chuckles and says he knows all about skanks like her. He asks him how he can be sure that Danny is his son, and Steven snarks back that he's 100% certain he had sex with Sammy Jo, then tells Adam to get lost and angrily hobbles down the stairs. Krystle, who has overheard most of the exchange, tells Adam she wants to talk to him in private...and he reluctantly follows her over to one of the sitting rooms.

Krystle snaps, "What kind of brother are you?" and tells him that Steven was her first friend in Carrington manor when everyone else was dickish to her. She accuses Adam of coming over to the mansion to do Alexis' dirty work, but he denies that and suddenly his hands start shaking. Krystle doesn't appear to notice and haughtily declares that, regardless of what Alexis wants, Steven is determined to go to New York to attempt a reconciliation with Sammy Jo. After she exits the room, Adam glances across the hall and is intrigued by the sight of Kirby and Jeff talking.

Kirby isn't thrilled with the idea of living in the mansion, not least because it's also where her husband's ex-wife lives...but Jeff says it would be way too time consuming to go house hunting and then hire movers. LOL. He assures her that living in the mansion will be awesome, then gives her a kiss and trots off to work. A few seconds later, Adam slithers into the room, gives Kirby a once over, and starts laughing like a hyena. He exclaims, "You are so dumb, Mrs. Colby!" and says it's so obvious she married Jeff for his name and his money. He says he doesn't get why she'd marry Jeff when she could have had him, then reminisces about the night he sexually assaulted her. Kirby makes a face and says she gets physically sick whenever she thinks about that, and Adam responds by getting all grab-handsy with her. She shoves him away and snaps, "I forbid you to ever touch me again!" but Adam just stares back at her in amusement and predicts that one day soon she'll be back for more. He smugly adds, "Married or not, you and I aren't finished." God he's a creepy psycho.

"I forbid you to ever sexually assault me again."

"Good luck trying to get me to curb my violent tendencies."

Alexis is aghast when Adam tells her that Jeff and Kirby got married - but only 'cause she's concerned that Kirby will want to find out how Jeff got poisoned. (Not sure why she thinks that would be Kirby's priority.) She worriedly says, "She could start digging and discover something" but Adam assures her there's nothing to discover; he discarded the wood panels that were in his office, along with the cans of toxic paint.

Over at the La Mirage, Mark asks Fallon how she's doing after hearing about her ex-husband's remarriage, and she insists she's very happy for them. He admits that he felt sad when Krystle married Goat Daddy, 'cause it made him feel like the inadequate failure he is. Fallon assures him she's totally fine about Jeff remarrying, and the two head over to the couch and start making out.

Blake arrives home and finds Krystle in the master bedroom, wearing a silk negligee and seductively laying on a bear skin rug in front of the fireplace. He scrunches his face concernedly and asks, "Why are you so pensive, darling?" (he said pensive, bwahaha!) and she says she was just thinking about Jeff and Kirby, and wondered how he was taking the news of their quickie wedding. Blake admits that he would have preferred a reconciliation between Jeff and Fallon, but has come to realize that that was never going to happen. Krystle then shifts from looking pensive to earnest and says that everyone has to give Jeff and Kirby a chance, and adds that Kirby has been put in a very uncomfortable position in Carrington manor when she transitioned from being the majordomo's daughter to a rich man's wife. She asks Blake if he could tell Joseph to chill out about his daughter's status change - and Blake says he will, then tells her how awesome she is for always thinking about other people's feelings. He then suggests they skip dinner and spend the evening doinking atop the bear skin rug she's laying on. She giggles about how scandalous that would be for the household, and the two start getting it on. Gross.

Steven arrives in New York and shows up at Sammy Jo's apartment, and she politely greets him and invites him in for some awkward chitchat. She tells him she's pursuing a career as a model - but is short on cash, and subsists on the money Blake sends her every month. She asks him why he traveled all the way to New York to see her, and he suggests they talk about it over dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. She's like, "Sure. Why not?"

At the restaurant, Steven tells Sammy Jo he wants them to get back together. She mulls that over for a few seconds and says, "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad" and figures they could get a cool apartment in the city, and a summer place in the Hamptons. She grins mischievously and adds, "Blake could afford all that." Steven's all, "Whoa.." and informs her that they won't be taking any money from Blake, 'cause once they return home he'll get a job and support her and Danny. Sammy Jo doesn't like the sound of that and reminds him that Denver isn't her home and that she'd prefer to stay in New York. She says that getting back together would be a rotten idea, mostly 'cause of his gayness. Steven argues that he hasn't touched a man in a loooong time, but Sammy Jo gives him a disdainful stare and retorts, "But you haven't stopped thinking about them, have you?" She points out that New York is where he once lived with Ted Dinard, then asks him if he and Ted used to frequent this restaurant. Steven admits that, yeah, they may have eaten here once or twice, and Sammy Jo snarls, "I don't want you - just like I don't want a baby. It was a mistake." Steven looks appalled and says, "But he's our son!" and she says she only carried the pregnancy to term 'cause she was too afraid of having an abortion. She says she doesn't know the baby, nor does she want to...which is precisely why she gave him to people who would give him a good upbringing. She glares at him hatefully and snarks, "If you want to do your thing with other guys, go do it.  But, if you really give a damn about your son - let him grow up with a straight family.  Don't stick him with you for a father." Ooouch. She gets up and flounces out of the restaurant, leaving Steven looking decimated and really close to tears.

"We won't need to live off of Carrington money. I'll get a job as a common laborer so the three of us can eke out a living."

"How do you not grasp what a shameless gold digger I am?"

One of Denver-Carrington's board members, Sam Dexter, is in Blake's office. He tells Blake he was tracked down while vacationing and given a letter about Alexis' merger meeting, which he strongly feels he must attend. Blake urges him to skip it 'cause soon Andy will be arguing to a judge against Alexis' right to convene the meeting. Sam insists he must attend, and points out that if Andy's arguments are tossed out of court, he'll be screwed 'cause of all the Denver-Carringon stock he owns. Blake snarls, "My company made you a rich man!" but Sam shrugs and tells him it's just business.

Steven arrives at the penthouse to see Alexis...and she's relieved he didn't bring Sammy Jo back with him, and says she's glad he finally sees the tart for the gold digger she is. She tries to get him interested in working at ColbyCo, but he says he first has to decide what to do about Danny. She tells him she understands, but hopes he'll eventually make the decision to join her company.

Steven and Blake are in the study for another one of their acrimonious father-son chats. Steven announces that he plans to move himself and Danny into an apartment and raise the little gaffer as a single parent. Blake says he doesn't like that idea at all - and as they argue, Krystle quietly enters the room carrying Danny. Blake motions toward the baby and says, "All we want for this child here is to be surrounded by a real family.  A whole family and not some...some..." and Steven interjects and bitterly says, "You don't want Danny to have a gay for a father." He then bitches about how much he hates being back at Carrington manor - so much so that he wakes up sweating, and wants out asap. He takes the baby from Krystle and exits the room, leaving Blake to growl, "Steven!" Krystle tells him to stuff a sock in it and urges him to try to see things from his son's perspective. He barks, "Have you lost your mind?!" but she explains that if he keeps up his usual douchebaggery, they may never see Danny again - and that would be heartbreaking. Blake mulls this over while staring contemplatively into space...and this is where the episode abruptly ends.

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