Recap: Fallon runs outside in her nightie and climbs a tree. Jeff wakes up in their bed, looks perplexed that his wife isn't beside him, then gets up and looks around for her. He peers out the window, sees that she's up a tree, then looks perplexed again. He rushes outside in his night pants and tells Fallon to climb down and come back to bed, but she continues to sit there and tells him she used to sit in this tree when she was a child. "It was fun then," she recalls wistfully, then gripes about how everything has been ruined ever since Krystle came into her father's life. She mutters, "That wedding. That damn wedding." She somehow figures that if Krystle hadn't married Blake, Steven would be living in New York, Ted Dinard would still be alive, the miserable trial wouldn't have happened, and Alexis would not have returned to Denver to testify. In other words, she wishes the entire first season of Dynasty never happened. Jeff urges her again to come down, so she slips into a weird sounding babytalk mode and says, "You're my husband. Will you make everything all right for me?" and like the indulgent sap he is, he replies, "Try me." Fallon climbs down, and he pulls her into a hug and gives her a big smooch...but she pulls away and chides him for wanting to get her in the sack despite the fact that her "whole world" is crumbling down around her. He furrows his caterpillar eyebrows and asks her if it's ever occurred to her to blame herself for anything, then snaps, "Or to admit that you're a selfish, egotistical, shallow kid?" He shoots her the stink-eye and adds, "Next time remind me to fall in love with a woman - not a spoiled brat!" and then storms off. Haha! You go, Jeff!
Blake enters the master bedroom, sees Krystle pensively staring out the window, then pastes a stupid grin on his face and ambles over to her. He asks her if she's feeling OK, then says that her morning sickness is sure to pass. I take it he's suddenly OK with having another child, despite his rantings to the contrary during much of the previous episode. Krystle gives him one of her sickeningly serene smiles and tells him she feels just fine...and OMG I am so totally creeped out by any conversation that's even remotely connected to the visual of Blake impregnating his trophy wife. He tells her he has to head out to one of his refineries and asks her if it's OK if he eats breakfast on the way. She smiles serenely again, gives him her blessing, and the two kiss goodbye.
Alexis marches across the estate and into the mansion's kitchen, where she finds Hilda the Cook making breakfast. She greets her former servant, gushes about how much she's missed her cooking, then says she has a favor to ask. She explains that since she doesn't yet have a phone in her studio, she can't get stuff delivered...so she hands Hilda a list of all the things she'd like her to order. Joseph enters the kitchen at that moment and eavesdrops as Alexis then orders Hilda to assemble a small staff to cook and clean for her. Joseph says that that's out of the question, and when Alexis widens her eyes with fake innocence and goes, "Why?", Krystle suddenly appears in the doorway and tells Joseph she'll handle this. She shoots Alexis a cold stare and brusquely says, "Would you come with me?" Alexis looks kind of put out at being ordered around, but follows Krystle into a nearby sitting room. She strides around the room, examines the decor, then remarks that not much has changed from when she used to live here. She happily declares, "It still feels like home" and Krystle gives her a stony glare and retorts, "It's not yours." Alexis praises her directness, then bitchily mispronounces her name - Kristin - and says she needs some wine glasses for her new home. When she notices the hard look on Krystle's face, she thinks better of helping herself and murmurs, "Maybe later" and Krystle just rolls her eyes and tells her to save her performance for the kitchen. Alexis then flops herself down on one of the couches, lights up a cigarette, and assures Krystle she doesn't want anything - except, apparently, a few mansion servants and some wine glasses - but Krystle isn't buying it and reminds the former Mrs. Carrington that she just invaded the studio. Alexis argues that she holds the deed to that property, then claims that part of the reason she came to Denver was so the two of them could develop "a civilized rapport". That's seriously funny, considering all the cat fights to come. Krystle accuses her of having ulterior motives, and Alexis calls that an ugly implication. Krystle says it's pretty clear she's staying in Denver just to hurt Blake, so Alexis reminds her that her douchebag ex-husband killed their son's best friend. She refers to Krystle as Mrs. Jennings, then catches the pretend faux pas and says, "Oops. That was your other husband's name, wasn't it?" Hee! Krystle shoots her an icy glare, orders her to see herself out, then makes it clear she's not welcome inside the main house.
Andy's in Blake's office, barking at someone on the phone about an offshore deal Blake's trying to put together. He snaps, "He wants the facts! Got it?!!" then slams the phone down. What a rude douchetard. Blake enters his office at that moment, smiles proudly at Andy's bitchy phone voice, then says, "You sound just like me." Blake tells him he has four things he needs him to accomplish today, the first being: get Alexis out of his life. The second thing: he hands Andy a piece of paper and haughtily asks, "What's this about me reporting to the probation officer today?" Andy looks over the written order and asks him if he'd like him to arrange for the probation officer to come to him...and when Blake goes, "Well, d'yuh", Andy chuckles and informs him that such a thing is definitely not possible. Bwahaha! I really enjoy it when Andy messes with Blake's head like that. Blake whines about how horrible it is to have to go to the Probation Department and sit in a nasty cubicle surrounded by street criminals, so Andy starts playing his tiny violin as he wryly replies that some bureaucrats just don't recognize the privileges of power. He then gets serious and makes it clear to the arrogant, self-entitled douchewad that he's going to have to report in to his probation officer, just like any other convicted manslaughterer would be required to do. He looks down at his watch and says, "Like, now" and warns Blake that he doesn't need any more damaging headlines in the papers. Blake concedes and mutters, "All right." The third thing: Blake instructs Andy to drop him off at the Probation Department, then wants him to pick up Claudia at the hospital. Apparently, she's getting released today. He tells him to take her home and ensure that she has everything she needs. The fourth thing: Blake wants Andy to cut Steven out of his will. Andy scrunches his face in confusion and asks him if he really wants to go down that path...and Blake confirms that he does, and says he's tried everything he knows how to reach his gay son, but is finally throwing in the towel.
Blake is at the Probation Department, sandwiched between two fellow felons as he waits to meet with his probation officer. The guy next to him politely asks for the time, then complains that it looks like he's going to miss his job interview. He compliments Blake's suit, and Blake just grunts in reply, so then the guy asks Blake what his business is, and Blake rudely growls, "None of yours." He then gets up and bitchily berates a police officer for making him wait so long...but the officer doesn't give a rat's ass and just shrugs disinterestedly. Blake puffs up his little chest and angrily plants his hands on his hips, but it's pretty clear that no one in his immediate orbit gives a rat's ass about his problems.
Andy picks up Claudia from the hospital and escorts her to his car. He tells her that Blake's investigators were able to determine that Matthew absconded with Lindsay to South America, but when Claudia asks where in South America, he shrugs and unhelpfully replies, "It's a big place." [LOL...that it is, Andy.] He tells her not to worry and assures her that the investigators will find them. Claudia says she wants her daughter back and that it's her right as a mother...and Andy half-heartedly agrees, but then advises her against fighting Matthew for custody. He points out that Matthew has a strong case against her as an unfit mother because of her affair with Steven. Well, that's interesting. By this same rationale, wouldn't Matthew be considered an unfit father for openly carrying on an adulterous relationship with Krystle?
Fallon is skeet shooting on the estate because she has nothing better to do with her time. Alexis ambles over to say hello and inform her daughter that she's now living on the estate: in her little studio. She apologizes for how bad things are between the two of them, and acknowledges the pain she's caused her over the years...but Fallon just shoves her aside so she can take her next shot. Alexis changes topics and tells her she just met her stepmother, and Fallon makes a face and grumps that Krystle isn't her stepmother - she's his father's wife. Alexis says she's quite beautiful and seems like a strong person, but hopes she's not a threat to her (Fallon's) or Steven's future. Fallon assures her that the woman is no threat, and explains that she witnessed her sign a pre-nup just before the wedding. Alexis looks delighted to hear that, and also seems pleased by Fallon's dislike of Krystle. Fallon professes her love for her beloved daddy, and says he got shortchanged when he married such a low-class wench. Alexis condescendingly chides Fallon for acting like she knows everything, then takes the shotgun from her and pulverizes the clay disk with one shot. She hands the gun back to her, looking smugly triumphant.
Andy drops off Claudia at her house and tells her he had groceries delivered to her neighbor. He encourages her to call Blake's office if she needs anything.
Blake whines to Andy about the conditions of his probation: he can't travel out-of-state without special permission, and isn't allowed to consort with any known criminals. Andy chuckles and says it'll certainly cut down on his business dealings and social life - hee! - and Blake snaps that it isn't funny. He asks Andy what he's done about getting rid of Alexis, and Andy says he hasn't gotten 'round to that yet, so Blake barks at him to make it a top priority. He tells Andy she holds the deed to the studio, and orders him to just throw money at the problem. He's willing to pay up to 500K to entice her to move her out.
Claudia walks around her daughter's room looking mopey and sad. She stares at the empty closet, then sits on the bed and tearfully hugs one of Lindsay's teddy bears. She then reaches into her purse and pulls out a bottle of prescription pills. Uh oh.
Blake's secretary buzzes him to announce that Claudia's on the line, but she can't understand anything the woman is mumbling. Blake snatches the receiver and listens as Claudia murmurs that she's sleepy and tired...and after a few seconds, she drops the phone. Blake's like, "Hello? Hello? Are you OK?" and when he gets no response, he hangs up and runs out of his office.
He drives straight to Claudia's house, and is met by his doctor friend, Nick Toscanni, who he summoned. Nick kicks in the door, and the two find Claudia unconscious in her daughter's bedroom with the empty prescription pill bottle laying nearby. Nick pulls Claudia to her feet, and drags her around the room, forcing her to listen to him natter on and on about his childhood. As he's doing that, he yells at Blake to go into the bathroom and run some hot water. After a few minutes, Nick announces to Blake that Claudia appears to be semi-conscious, then takes her into the bathroom - I assume to douse her with hot water.
Andy pays a visit to Alexis as she works on a painting on the front lawn of her little studio. He compliments her artistry, and she gives him a cold once-over and recalls that fateful day, sixteen years ago, when he made her sign "that piece of paper" to keep her away from Colorado. He gets right down to business and informs her that Blake wants to buy the studio from her and that he's willing to pay big money. She declines, says she already has all the money she needs, and claims that she enjoys the simple life. Somehow I find that impossible to believe. Andy tells her she has no real reason to stay in town now that she's done her damage in court, but Alexis argues that she needs to stick around to protect Steven's interests...and Andy gleefully drops the bomb that Blake just cut him out of his will.
Claudia wakes up and finds herself in one of the Carrington mansion's forty-four bedrooms. Nick, who's been waiting for her to regain consciousness, introduces himself, tells her where she is, and informs her that he just saved her life. She tears up and starts blubbering about her missing daughter, then tells Nick she took the pills because she wanted to die. He starts up his nattering about his childhood again, and eventually she nods off.
Nick heads downstairs to the study to report to Blake that Claudia's going to be OK, and Blake looks relieved and pours him a scotch. Nick looks around the opulent room and remarks that this is the first time he's ever been invited inside the mansion. He suddenly gets snappish and asks Blake why he summoned him to the Blaisdel house to help Claudia instead of just calling an ambulance, so Blake explains that he cares about Claudia and wanted to shelter her from any media scrutiny that might result. Nick wryly points out that the press would surely blame him for her suicide attempt, since it was well known that she was forced into being a witness during his murder trial. Blake's like, "Yeah, whatever" and tells Nick he'd like him to treat Claudia at his mansion. Nick snarks back that he's a psychiatrist and doesn't make house calls, then snaps, "Get yourself another boy!" and heads for the door. Blake rushes after him and offers to double the price of his services, but Nick says he's not for sale and stalks out...and Blake just stares after him in befuddlement. Meanwhile, Krystle has just returned home looking glowingly happy. She accidentally bumps into Nick, and he grasps her by the arms, introduces himself, then stares at her intensely. What a weirdo.
Krystle heads over to the study to show Blake an actual silver spoon she just bought for their baby, then says the doctor's appointment went well and that she's expected to have a happy, healthy pregnancy. Nick suddenly appears in the doorway of the study with a strange, goofy smile on his face and tells Blake he's changed his mind and will treat Claudia at the mansion after all. Blake's like, "Uh, OK. Whatever", while Krystle looks pensively confused and Nick just continues to stand there, staring goofily in Krystle's direction.
Fallon's on the phone, trying to track down Michael. Krystle overhears the call and informs her stepdaughter that the Dynasty writers felt that the role of the horny, rogue chauffeur lacked storyline potential and was therefore cut loose after Season 1. She then smugly reveals she's pregnant, and Fallon visibly pales and is all, "Wha-at?!"
Fallon has arranged for Jeff to meet her at a cheap motel. When he arrives, he looks around, makes a blech face, and asks her why they're meeting here. She pulls a picnic basket out of her car and tells him she likes to get kinky during a full moon. She announces that she's ready to try for a baby, and he immediately perks up and looks intrigued. The two smooch in the parking lot, then head over to the motel to check in and get busy.
Alexis is over at Steven's apartment, fixing him dinner. He arrives home and is surprised but pleased to see her. He tells her he quit his job at the refinery and plans to look for work elsewhere, and she says that while that's totally understandable, he really needs to patch things up with Blake, like pronto. Steven makes a blech face and says, "I've always had this love-hate thing going with him, and hate won out." Alexis sympathizes and tells him that she too hated Blake for years and refused to forgive him for his douchebaggery. She then says that what happened in court was a hollow victory, and urges him to learn from her mistakes and not give up his birthright. Steven says he doesn't care about Denver-Carrington, but Alexis tells him he will when he's older...then points out that if he gives it up, the entire company will be passed down to Fallon, which is a truly frightening thought. She looks at her son coyly and asks him what he'd say if she told him he were Blake's only child. Steven scrunches his face in confusion and asks his mother if this is another one of her weird mind games, and Alexis tells him she loves him very much, then dramatically declares that Blake isn't Fallon's biological father. Steven stares back at her, completely stunned, and is all, "Whaaa-aaat?!"
Nick arrives home and gets a call from his sister. He informs her that he was finally able to get inside Blake Carrington's house, then reminds her about how he moved back to Denver to "pay that man back" what it cost them...and thinks he's finally found a way.
Duhn! Duhn! Duhn!