Recap: Guests begin to arrive at Carrington Manor for Blake's and Krystle's wedding, and a security team is busily directing traffic toward the mansion. In the ballroom, the orchestra is gearing up for the ceremony, and Krystle is in an upstairs bedroom, standing by the window and pensively staring out at the vast estate...which is where we left her at the end of the previous episode.
Over at the Blaisdel house, Lindsay and Matthew are having lunch...and Lindsay is reading an article about the Carrington/Jennings wedding in the paper. She remarks on how pretty Krystle is, then says, "I guess if you're as rich as Mr. Carrington, you can marry anyone you want." Yep, that pretty much explains how old rich douchebags like Blake are able to attract young tail. She asks her pa if he knows Krystle, and Matthew tells her they've met, then quickly changes the subject. After that, the two get into an inane conversation about bacon and whether or not Lindsay is going to become a vegetarian...and while she continues to prattle about her dietary preferences, Matthew glances over at the photo of Krystle in the newspaper and looks contemplative.
Walter, meanwhile, is racing over to Carrington Manor in his jeep to confront Blake about the "accident" that injured one of his men.
Back at the Blaisdel house, Matthew slips into the master bedroom to get something out of the closet and is surprised to find Claudia wide awake. She apologizes for not coming downstairs for lunch, then says she was hoping he'd come back upstairs and give her a little action. He tells her he can't 'cause he has to go to the supermarket (ouch), so then she mumbles something unintelligible about monogamy and polygamy and the differences between men and women. When she mumbles something about society's expectations of men, Matthew asks her if she's asking him whether or not he slept with another woman...and she gets all flustered and says she doesn't know what she's asking. He says he wouldn't have been able to mess around with another man's woman while he was in the Middle East, since doing that could get a person killed. It's interesting how he deliberately avoids addressing whether or not he slept with a woman (married or unattached) prior to his travels in the Middle East. Claudia saucily tells him she'd like it if he messed around with her, so then he mumbles that in the Middle East it's a man's duty to mess around with his wife, and asks her if that's what she wants from him. YES, MATTHEW. IT OBVIOUSLY IS. SO STOP TALKING IN FUCKING CIRCLES. Claudia says that when she was at the funny farm, she'd have sexual fantasies about him and would sometimes hold her breath until she passed out. What a weirdo. She meekly asks him if things between them will ever be good again, and he kind of shrugs and says that things are just fine...but Claudia argues that things are lousy and that they have no fire or passion. (No duh. You two are as dull as dishwater.) Matthew offers to doink her right then and there, but Claudia gets offended and snaps that she's not a charity case - so he throws up his arms in frustration and says he can't win with her. He gives her an obligatory hug, and she starts blubbering about how she wants their marital relations to be...well, existent. He's like, "Uh...yeah. Me too", but then explains that he has a lot o' stuff on his mind these days - and by stuff he means Krystle - and asks for a rain check on that doink.
At Carrington Manor, the wedding is about to take place in the ballroom. Krystle appears at the foot of the aisle, looking less than thrilled about the marriage [made in hell] she's about to get herself into. She begins the long walk down the aisle, looking wistful and concerned, and when she reaches the front of the room, the minister begins the ceremony. As this is happening, a sad looking Matthew is brooding near some rolling hills. Blake and Krystle exchange vows, while Fallon looks pissed off and Steven looks mentally checked out. Near the rolling hills, Matthew is angrily throwing rocks. Blake and Krystle exchange rings, are pronounced husband and wife, then kiss.
After the ceremony, the guests move outside to the outdoor reception...and Blake, Krystle, Fallon, and Steven form a receiving line. A snooty rich guest named Louise admires Krystle's diamond earrings and advises her not to wear them when she goes to the supermarket (Krystle won't be going to the supermarket now that she's married to a zillionaire, idiot), and Blake jokes that they're just a starter set. Krystle sees a man in the crowd who looks familiar, and when she asks Blake about him, he tells her it's Jerry Henderson then smirkily describes him as, "The best congressman money can buy." It's funny how Blake outright enjoys perpetuating his reputation as a corrupt douchebag businessman without a scrap of self awareness.
We get a needless update on Walter, who's still speeding toward the Carrington mansion in his jeep.
Krystle is greeted by her former colleagues, who she introduces to Fallon and Steven. Fallon then amuses herself by giving Krystle the skinny on the more infamous wedding guests. One of them is Brad Millburn, who apparently strangled his wife with her pantyhose three years ago. The hell? Fallon gleefully informs her it cost 500K to get him off. Millburn approaches Krystle in the receiving line, calls her a beauty, then plants a blechy kiss on her cheek. Behind Brad is Andy, the lawyer who helped him get away with murder. After that, a bunch of male guests approach the receiving line, and an icked-out Krystle looks on while Fallon tongue kisses each of them. Blake then introduces Krystle to Cecil Colby and his nephew Jeff. Jeff looks super thrilled to see Fallon again...but Fallon's pretty lukewarm about their reunion.
Jeff steers Fallon away from the receiving line and tells her all about how his job at ColbyCo is going. The two start sniping back and forth (can't remember why) and Fallon petulantly tells him that she refuses to become an apologist for what her father's company has contributed to the country. She says that the government should throw a party in honor of oil company profits. Cecil Colby, who's eavesdropping on their conversation, looks charmed by Fallon's nonsensical rant and starts clapping. Jeff ambles off to get Fallon a drink just as Steven ambles over. He kisses her and calls her a fascist, and she kisses him back and calls him a Bolshevik...and Cecil looks amused and even more charmed.
In the next scene, Fallon and Cecil are in the game room of the mansion, shooting pool. Fallon says she should probably apologize to Jeff for her dopey rant, but Cecil tells her that Jeff doesn't even have the sense to be insulted, him having "no imagination" and all. Cecil then brazenly checks out Fallon and tells her she's very bright and will no doubt run her father's company one day. Fallon wryly points out that Denver-Carrington's upper management has (and this is a direct quote), "No blacks, no Jews, no Eskimos...and no women." I guess all the Eskimo women who aspire to climb the corporate ladder at Denver-Carrington are shit outta luck. Cecil tells Fallon he could give her one of his smallish companies to run...but he makes it absolutely clear he's not a feminist, then says he's not a masculinist either (is that a real thing?). He just appreciates smart people who are adept at running a business and turning a profit. He asks her what type of business she'd like to immerse herself into, and she petulantly tells him she doesn't take anything for nothing, then shows off a little leg while she leans over the pool table to make her shot. Cecil takes a good long look at her leg flesh, and after the two flirtatiously banter back and forth, he asks her if she'd like to go for a ride with him. She says yes, but suggests taking her car so that Jeff can drive Cecil's car home after the reception.
Jeff runs into Steven, who's moping around one of the sitting rooms inside the mansion. He asks Steven if he's seen Fallon, and Steven snaps, "Am I my sister's keeper?" then quickly apologizes and explains that he's in a pissy mood. Jeff offers him Fallon's drink, since she took off with Cecil, and for some reason tells Steven the sad tale about his mother's wedding and how much he hated his new step-father. He later realized that there was a much better way of handling the situation rather than demonstrating infantile aggression. He jests that Krystle is a whole lot prettier than his step-father, then asks Steven (who appears to be ignoring him) if he should shut up now. YES JEFF. Jeff then tells Steven he heard that he'll be going to work for Denver-Carrington soon, and Steven replies by quoting Oscar Wilde: "Work is the curse of the drinking class." Heh. Jeff chuckles about how clever Wilde was, then adds, "Shame he was a homosexual." Steven glares at him and caustically replies, "Makes you long for the good old days when they used to burn them at the stake." Jeff looks taken aback and says that that's "a little rough" even for a joke. He says he believes in "different strokes for different folks", but wouldn't want his brother to marry a homosexual (or, I'm assuming, for his brother to be a homosexual) then caps off his stupid comments with, "At least not a poor one." Steven tells him he's not a bad guy for a Republican, so then Jeff asks him how he'd feel about him if he were his brother-in-law. Steven very accurately points out that he doesn't really know Fallon...and Jeff is like, "Sure I do. She's smart, pretty, and can climb a tree like a monkey!" God he's an idiot.
Back at the reception, guests applaud Blake and Krystle as they cut their giant wedding cake.
Back at the Blaisdel house, the doorbell rings repeatedly and Claudia finds two Jehos on her doorstep. Ack! One of them asks Claudia how she knows she won't be going to hell, and Claudia snidely replies, "'Cause I've already been there" and slams the door in their faces. Lindsay ambles into the kitchen and meekly tells her mom she was going to clean up the lunch dishes, and Claudia's like, "That was an hour ago." Lindsay sheepishly says, "Sorry, ma'am" and Claudia tells her she's not fragile and to stop walking on eggshells around her. Suddenly, smoke starts billowing out of the oven: two pies are on fire! Claudia rushes over to pull the pies out of the oven...and meanwhile, Lindsay has started to make herself useful and clears the table, but is carrying too much and drops the dishes and cutlery all over the floor. Claudia snaps that she should have taken two trips, and Lindsay bows her head and murmurs, "Yes, ma'am." Claudia finally loses it completely and yells, "Would you STOP calling me ma'am!! I am your mother, for God's sake!" (Gaa, that ma'am business was driving me nuts too.) Lindsay starts crying and runs off to her room and flops face-down on her bed like a comically stereotypically distraught TV teenager. Claudia follows her and apologizes for yelling, and tells her she's trying...really really hard.
Walter is still en route to the Carrington mansion. I wonder if he's just driving around in circles.
Fallon's in her bedroom, changing into a pair of slacks. She hears what sounds like a cork popping in her bathroom - and when she investigates, she finds Michael (the chauffeur) taking a bubble bath in her tub. She stonily tells her cheeky lover she's going out, and orders him to not be there when she returns. Michael threatens to tattle to Blake about their doinkfests, then says he has the smarts to be doing something a lot better than just chauffeuring Blake around. Mmm...I haven't seen any evidence of that so far. Fallon wryly asks him if he's requesting a special "housekeeping allowance" from her, and he grins and is like, "Well d'yuh." Fallon approaches the tub, grabs his head and dunks it under the water in what seemed like more than just a half-hearted attempt to drown him. When she lets him up for air, she warns him not to mess with her...and if he does, she'll tell Blake about their affair, and it's fairly likely he'll kill him in a murderous rage. She then storms out of the bathroom, and Michael leans over the tub and grins like an idiot.
Krystle's gal pals urge her to throw her bouquet, so she tosses it at Fallon, who then tosses it to Steven...and this makes everyone laugh. Meanwhile, Walter has finally arrived at the estate with his gun, and when he sneaks his way past the security gate, the guards call the mansion guards to warn them. Walter pulls up to the main house just as Krystle and Blake lead their guests out front. Walter bellows to Blake that he needs to talk to him, and Blake snaps at him for interrupting "my wife's wedding" (it's your wedding too, dickwad) and tells him to get lost. Walter's like, "You can take your wedding and shove it in a dry hole" (bwahaha!) and accuses him of sabotaging his rig. Blake denies it, but Walter doesn't believe him...and the two go back and forth on that for a little while. Walter smugly tells Blake that he owns a lot of land that probably has oil beneath it, but he's going to refuse to give Blake's company access to drill on it. So there! At that point, the mansion guards release two Dobermans, who run toward Walter and attack him in full view of the wedding guests. The dogs tug at his clothing, make growling noises, and pretend to tear him limb from limb. After a few minutes, the guards call off the dogs, and then drag Walter out of view. Blake tries to gloss over the disturbing spectacle by smiling at his traumatized guests and joking, "Walter never was an easy man to do business with." When everyone continues to stare at him, dumbfounded, he irritably quips, "What is this, anyway? A wedding or a wake?" He orders the musicians to play something wedding-ish, and the servants to serve champagne...and the guests fearfully amble back toward the mansion.
Steven calls Matthew, who has just arrived home from the supermarket, to tell him that Walter showed up at the wedding reception with a gun. He asks Matthew to come by and help him get Walter off of the estate before he gets hurt. When Matthew hangs up, he notices the broken dishes strewn across the kitchen floor and gives Claudia a wry look. She assures him that everything's super duper, and Matthew gives her an asexual goodbye kiss and leaves her standing in front of their house, wringing her hands.
Blake and Krystle are mingling among the guests in their going away outfits. Manservant Joseph alerts Blake of something that requires his immediate attention, so Blake high-tails it out of the reception and takes Andy with him. Over in the carriage house, Walter is being slapped around by the security guards...and Michael. Matthew arrives and rushes in to defend Walter. He gets punched in the face, so he picks up a big stick that just happens to be lying nearby and warns the men to back off. Blake arrives on the scene and barks at everyone to stop fighting. Matthew demands to know why his men were beating on Walter, and Michael chimes in and says it's 'cause he had a gun and "wouldn't hold still". LOL. Blake angrily tells Matthew that him showing up at his house on his wedding day is "bad form"...but he's willing to overlook the faux pas. Blake then offers to buy Walter's land, and then he and Walter go back and forth on that for awhile (ho hum)...and Walter finally caves in and accepts the deal. Matthew thinks it's a bad idea and asks Blake if he had anything to do with sabotaging the rig, and Blake tells him it's none of his beeswax (so, um...yes) and snarks, "Your job is to dig where I tell you to dig." Matthew tells him to take his job and "stuff it" and storms out...and as he's doing that, he notices Krystle standing in the doorway of the carriage house, looking even more pensive than usual. He tells her, "Hope you have a happy life, Kris" and Blake snaps, "I'll see to that!" Yikes.
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