Recap: JR, Bobby, and Jock are in a meeting with a gaggle of old white men, discussing who they want to endorse to run against Cliff Barnes in the upcoming Senate race. One of them floats Martin Cole - a civic councilman, lawyer, and all-around pliable guy. The group mulls over that suggestion and agrees that he'd be an adequate Ewing puppet if elected into office. Bobby describes Martin Cole as "dull, but clean and honest" and volunteers to be the campaign's point person. One of the men asks him if taking on that role is going to cause problems with the wifey, but Bobby assures them it won't...and then grizzled Jock gruffly adds, "Bobby knows where his loyalties lie. He's a Ewing, first and last."

Pam meets up with Cliff for lunch in the park. He asks her if she knows who the Ewings are backing in the election, and she tells him they're prolly deciding that right now...but she has no idea who they're considering. Cliff scrunches his face worriedly and says the Ewings will spare no expense to get their puppet elected, which means he needs to step up on his fundraising so he can pay for TV ads. To that end, he asks her if she would please plan a fashion show fundraiser with the goal of raising $50,000, and Pam makes a face and complains that she's going to get all kinds of flak from the Ewings. Cliff gets annoyed, pissy, and starts questioning her loyalty to her only brother, so Pam throws in the towel and reluctantly agrees.

That evening, the Ewings descend on Pam while she's in the study and ask her whassup with all the fashion design sketches she's working on. Pam tells them that she's organizing a fashion show fundraiser for Cliff's Senate campaign, and Jock pissily snaps at Bobby, "I thought you said she was just stuffing envelopes!" Pam explains - not that it's any of his business - that since Cliff is her brother, she's not going to not help him out, then says she'd prefer to discuss the matter with Bobby in private. Jock growls that Bobby doesn't have secrets from his family, and JR chooses that moment to smugly inform Pam that Bobby is in charge of raising campaign funds for their candidate, Martin Cole. Pam's just like, "Whatever" and quietly packs up her sketches and exits the room. It remains a mystery why she's still willing to live under the same roof as these awful people.

After dinner, Bobby and Pam go upstairs to discuss their roles in the opposing campaigns. Pam says that Cliff doesn't have anyone but her to plan the fashion show fundraiser - unlike the Ewing-financed machine that Martin Cole has supporting his campaign. Further to that, she snarks that if Cliff loses the race, the Ewing family is going to control everything and everyone in the state of Texas. Bobby calls her a "knee-jerk radical" like her brother, so she angrily retorts that someone has to stand up to corruption, exploitation, and greed. Bobby denies that his family commits any such sins, and that his grizzled daddy built an empire purely 'cause he was smart, hardworking, and lucky. Pam tells him they'll have to agree to disagree 'bout that version of history, and says it's clear they've each chosen their side.

Sue Ellen is hosting a candidates' debate sponsored by Daughters of the Alamo. After the Q&A session, Cliff notices Sue Ellen checking him out, so he struts over and the two enjoy some flirty banter. After a few minutes, Peter Larson (Cliff's campaign manager) comes over to let them know that their conversation is raising eyebrows among the judgemental voters in attendance, so Sue Ellen formally shakes Cliff's hand and loudly thanks him for coming...and Cliff loudly retorts that he's confident he'll win the election.

JR admonishes Martin Cole for being a shitty candidate and allowing Cliff Barnes to creep up in the polls. He complains that his family keeps pumping money into his campaign, but is getting nothing in return. Martin weakly assures him that in time things will turn in his favor, to which Jock snaps, "We don't have time!" and orders him to hire a decent speechwriter and spruce up his fugly wardrobe. He then turns to JR and gruffly orders him to buy the puppet some better clothes, along with some more TV time. After Martin is brusquely dismissed, Jock complains that the guy is a washout who doesn't stand a chance of winning. JR concurs, and the two put their heads together to think of ways they can undermine Cliff's candidacy. Jock suggests he find some dirt on Peter Larson, and JR likes the sound of that and says that if he finds no skeletons in the man's closet, he'll put some there.

During dinner, Sue Ellen tattles to Miss Ellie about how Pam hasn't touched her dinner, and Pam politely says she's not very hungry. JR jokes that he hopes she's not getting sick and will have to step down from helping Cliff with his campaign...then redirects the conversation to Martin Cole. Miss Ellie asks Jock if they've hired a new speechwriter yet, and Jock tells her they're looking for someone with the credentials of someone like Peter Larson...then remarks how expensive Peter must be. He asks Pam how Cliff is able to afford him on his shoestring budget, so she explains that Peter and Cliff were roommates in college...and Peter is volunteering his services out of respect for their close friendship. JR looks faux shocked and says that managing a Senate campaign seems to go beyond ordinary friendship, then pretends to be intrigued by the closeness of the two men's relationship. He smirkishly says, "There's a growing phenomenon these days, but not something I can understand" and Lucy looks aghast and chirps, "You mean to tell me that that gorgeous Cliff Barnes is..?" Ellie orders her to shut it and says she doesn't like the tone of this conversation, and Pam snaps, "Neither do I." JR comes right out and says it's just plain weird for a thirty-something man to still be single, and Pam takes the bait and tells him it just so happens that Cliff was once engaged to a woman who worked with Peter's father. JR asks her whatever became of this alleged fiancee, and Pam quietly says she died in an accident and doesn't remember much about it...then completely clams up. 

After dinner, JR makes a beeline to the study and gets on the horn with a private investigator and orders him to look into Cliff's past - specifically his possibly gay lifestyle or hetero/dead fiancee scandal.

Pam sits outside on the front porch, staring despondently into space. A few seconds later, Bobby joins her and reminds her that as husband and wife they need to communicate with each other even during the hard time...but Pam says it's difficult to do that when they're on opposite sides of an upcoming campaign. Bobby asks her how Cliff's fiancee died...and when Pam refuses to divulge any of the details, Bobby tells her it sucks that she doesn't feel as though she can trust him. Well duh. You're a Ewing, "first and last".

The following day, JR hears back from his private investigator and is delighted at what he was able to uncover. He calls Jock at the ranch and tells him they hit pay dirt, then laughs about how Cliff broke the cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman. Or a live hooker.

Pam, Cliff, and Cliff's campaign volunteers are busily setting up for the fashion show fundraiser when a reporter and cameraman suddenly burst in for an impromptu live interview. The reporter goes on the air announcing that Cliff Barnes has just been implicated in the abortion death of a woman he was engaged to ten years ago...and as everyone within hearing range gasps in shock, Peter immediately shuts down the interview and tells the reporter they have no comment. When the reporter continues peppering Cliff with questions, he tells her he'll release a statement for the press this evening. Peter ushers the reporter and cameraman out of the venue...and Cliff stares into space looking completely discombobulated, while Pam sheepishly scrunches her face.

Cliff gathers his campaign staff together so he can tell everyone the story of Penny's unfortunate demise. The two lovebirds were living together, and she had just passed her entrance exam into law school when she discovered that Cliff had knocked her up. She insisted on getting an abortion, which was illegal at the time, and - blah blah blah...long story short - the doctor she went to did a hatchet job on her insides and she bled to death. Cliff admits that he helped arrange the illegal abortion, and will issue a statement to help water down the horrible incident. He then tears up and professes his love for Penny and says, in his defense, he was only trying to fulfill her fervent wish to remain childless.

Cliff retires to his office with Peter. Cliff says he can't figure out who would have leaked the information about Penny, since the only people who knew about her were the two of them and Pam. Peter asks him if it's possible that Pam is the culprit, but Cliff swiftly rejects that notion.

Pam bursts into JR's office at Ewing Oil, where he and Jock are huddled together, gloating over Cliff's bad press. She bellows, "How?! How could you have done it?" then glares at Jock and snaps, "And you! You let him!" Jock shrugs indifferently and retorts, "Politics is politics" to which Pam tearfully snarks, "That's your excuse?!" She admonishes them for being self serving douchetards, and JR retorts that she has a biased opinion of her brother, then reminds her that he committed an illegal act. Pam accuses him of distorting the truth and declares them both despicable...then wails about how she doesn't know how to play by their dirty rules - but as soon as she figures it out she'll make them pay for what they've done.

Pam drops by Cliff's apartment to lament the unfairness of the Ewings' smear campaign...and to 'fess up about unwittingly spilling the beans about about his dead fiancee during a Ewing family dinner. She sheepishly tells him that the words accidentally tumbled out of her mouth...and before she knew it, JR was off and running. Cliff is all, "Wha-a?!!", gets enraged, refuses to believe it was an accident, and accuses her of doing it for Bobby. She yells, "How dare you!" and denies deliberately betraying him to curry favor with her shitty in-laws. Cliff refuses to listen to another word and rails about how the Ewings destroy everything - and that she's becoming just like them. He yells, "Go back where you belong!" and a tearful Pam exits the apartment and slinks back to Southfork.

Pam is laying in bed, despondently staring into space. Bobby comes in to ask her whassup, so she tells him what happened at the fashion show venue, and that the only reason the sordid tale is all over the news is 'cause JR exploited what she innocently told the family at dinner the other night. Bobby shows little sympathy and says that this sort of thing "is the name of the game", and a disgusted Pam says he sounds just like his creepy father. She whines that Cliff thinks she deliberately leaked this information to JR, and Bobby assures her that Cliff will come around, and that by the time the end credits roll everything will be hunky-dory.

Election night! The Ewings are hosting a party for Martin Cole and his supporters...and when the election results are announced on the TV, JR congratulates Martin Cole to the cheering crowd. Pam, meanwhile, sits in the study, looking sad. Sue Ellen sits next to her and expresses her condolences, then tells her she's genuinely sorry that the best man didn't win. When Pam's all, "Wuh?" Sue Ellen says it would have been nice if, for once, JR didn't get what he wanted. Bobby enters the room and asks Pam if she's OK, and she sadly tells him that when she phoned Cliff earlier, he asked her what the Ewings offered her in exchange for helping destroy his campaign. Bobby insists they both go downtown and talk to Cliff right now and get the matter sorted out.

Cliff and Peter are watching Martin Cole on TV deliver his acceptance speech. After a few minutes, Peter turns off the TV and invites Cliff to join him in drowning his sorrows at a nearby bar, but Cliff declines and says he's not in the mood to drink. After Peter heads off, Bobby and Pam arrive at campaign headquarters...and Cliff scowls at them and says he doesn't believe for a minute that Pam accidentally told JR about his dead fiancee. Pam swears she never told anyone the details about Penny's death, and Bobby corroborates that and says JR must have dug around and found out the rest for himself. Pam tearfully tells her brother that she loves him and would never intentionally hurt him, and Cliff finally softens and says he loves her too...and the two hug it out. Bobby proposes they all go to a bar and smooth everything over with a drink, but Cliff declines and says he'd like to sit by himself and do some deep thinking about his future.

After Pam and Bobby leave, Cliff phones Peter at the bar and asks him to get in touch with someone named Livingstone and find out if he has enough money to buy the next Senate seat...or, better yet, a seat in Congress. He declares, "I've just become a realist." 

And so the tedious Ewing-Barnes feud continues..

Recap: Lucy is lounging by the Southfork pool, scowling as Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie sit at a patio table and plan her birthday party. When Lucy complains about the "old fogey band" Sue Ellen plans on hiring, Sue Ellen breezily tells her not to worry her pretty little head about it, and to just show up at the party and have a great time. Lucy makes a face and grumbles that she'll be lucky if she even gets to invite her own friends.

Pam, who's decked out in a skimpy white sundress, runs into Jock on her way to the pool. He gruffly asks her if that's how she dresses for work these days, and Pam shakes her head, chuckles, and says she's planning on wearing it to Lucy's birthday party. First, though, she needs to get Bobby's seal of approval 'cause this is the '70s and he's the boss of that marriage.

Bobby tells Pam he looooves her skimpy sundress, and Miss Ellie chimes in and says she likes it too. Lucy snaps, "What am I going to wear?" so Pam tells her she brought her a bunch of dresses from the store where she works and laid them out on her bed. Lucy rudely retorts, "You picked them out?!" then stomps into the house.

As Lucy checks out the dresses, she overhears JR in the hall telling Jock that he really really wants to get two political bigwigs to talk to each other (during Lucy's party) and smooth things out. Pam enters the house, says hey to JR and Jock, then sashays up the stairs as JR brazenly checks out her ass. She finds Lucy in her bedroom, glumly staring out the window, and notices that all the dresses are messily strewn on the floor. Pam's face falls as she says, "Well...I guess you didn't like them" then tells her that Miss Ellie or Sue Ellen could probably take her into town later and shop for a dress. A tearful Lucy glares at Pam and snarks, "I'm old enough to pick out my own clothes!" and Pam says she's just trying to help. Lucy whines that it's supposed to be her birthday party - yet Sue Ellen is the one putting together the invitation list and hiring an old people band, while JR is using the occasion to broker some kind of deal. She starts sobbing, wails, "I hate this family!" and runs out of the room.

Over lunch on the patio, the adult Ewings discuss Lucy's latest tantrum. Miss Ellie breezily says she'll get over it - but Pam says Lucy has every right to be petulant, and points out that she hasn't been allowed to participate in the planning of her own birthday party. Bobby agrees that it's a legitimate First World Problem, so Miss Ellie says she'll ask Lucy to weigh in on the guest list, and tells Sue Ellen she should look into hiring a more teen-friendly band. Jock and JR get into a discussion about Congressman Oates and how they want him to endorse some guy named Slade. Bobby remarks that maybe they should have backed a better candidate than Slade, but Jock gruffly insists, "He's a good man. He does what he's told."

Lucy checks the mail and finds a letter addressed to her. She opens it, discovers that it's a letter from Valene, and beams happily.

Lucy heads over to the stables to show Ray her letter, in which Valene insists she never took money from JR...and that he threatened her if she didn't agree to leave Southfork, like pronto. Ray shrugs haplessly and says it's her word against JR's, and Lucy snaps, "I believe my mother." She pouts and says the only birthday present she really wants is to be able to invite her own mother to her party, but Ray says that's a terrible idea and urges her to rethink that while he drives her to school.

At dinner that evening, the Ewing menfolk discuss Slade and Congressman Oates again...blah blah...and Pam notices Lucy's sour expression and asks her why she didn't come by the store today. Lucy says she doesn't want a new dress...however, there is something she does want. Jock tells her to name it and he'll buy it immediately - but Lucy says it's something that no one can buy, then glares at JR and snaps, "Even if they say they did." Miss Ellie asks her what she's talking about, so Lucy tells her she wants to invite Valene to her birthday party. Everyone stares at each other in quiet horror until JR flatly decrees, "No way, honey. That's out." Bobby suggests they try to work something out, but Jock grumbles that he's not interested in allowing that skank to ever step foot onto Southfork again, especially considering the way she left. Lucy informs him that, contrary to what JR's been telling everyone, Valene turned down his bribe to leave town and fled of her own accord. An indignant JR snaps, "Are you calling me a liar, Lucy?" and Lucy glares back at him and says, "Yes! My mama wrote me and told me what happened." Hee! Jock admonishes her for disrespecting her uncle, refuses to listen to her side of the story, and orders her to go to her room. Lucy scrunches her face in misery and cries, "Why won't any of you listen to meeeee??!" then scampers upstairs. Pam glares at JR, Miss Ellie wrings her hands uselessly, and a suspicous looking Bobby asks JR if there's any truth to Lucy's claims. JR chuckles nervously and offers a non-answer by remarking that silly girls like Lucy are always letting emotions get in the way of common sense.

Later that night, Lucy sneaks out of the house with an overnight bag and her guitar. She stashes her stuff in JR's Mercedes, then absconds with the car.

As JR gets ready for work the next morning, he looks around for his car keys...and then quickly realizes that his car is gone, along with his gasoline credit card. When he finds Lucy's room empty, he informs Sue Ellen that Lucy is gone and grumbles about how she took his car "to go see that tramp mother of hers".

Lucy arrives at a coffee shop...and a few minutes later, a van pulls up and parks next to the Mercedes - and the driver is none other than dreamy '70s hunk Greg Evigan! As the camera pans over the van's awesome fur-lined dashboard, Greg Evigan opens the glove compartment and pulls out a gun. He enters the coffee shop and spots Lucy sitting alone at a table...and when he flashes a grin at her, she shoots him a flirty smile in return. She then looks out the window and sees a patrol car pull into the parking lot, and watches as a cop examines the Mercedes and jots down the license plate number. Lucy's like, "Ack!", leaves a twenty dollar bill on the table to cover her bill, and rushes out the back door lugging her guitar. Greg Evigan, who's definitely up to no good, picks up the twenty and pays the waitress at the cash register, then pockets the change. 

Lucy abandons the Mercedes and hitchhikes on a nearby highway, 'cause what could go wrong with that? A few seconds later, Greg Evigan rolls up in his van and urges her to get in - which she does 'cause she's a brainless moron. He tells her he couldn't help staring at her in the coffee shop, and a blushing Lucy giggles girlishly and says, "I didn't mind", then introduces herself as Lucy Clements and says she's headed to San Antonio. He asks her if she stole the Mercedes she arrived at the coffee shop in, and she just shrugs and replies, "Some people have a lot more money than they need." Greg Evigan asks her if she has any money for gas, so she tells him she spent her last $20 at the diner, but then pulls JR's gasoline credit card out of her pocket and hands it to him. Greg Evigan grins and hoots, "We're in business now!"

JR and Bobby drive around town but have no luck finding Lucy, and Miss Ellie gets a call from the police, who tell her that they found JR's abandoned car. Lucy, however, is nowhere to be found, but apparently a waitress spotted her hitchhiking on the highway. JR assumes she's headed to wherever her mother is living and announces that he'll send some boys to pick her up "and explain the facts of life" (?) to her. Bobby objects to Lucy being dragged back to Southfork and vetoes that idea. He offers to go pick her up, and JR gives him his blessing and says to call him if he runs into any trouble.

Greg Evigan and Lucy arrive in San Antonio. Lucy fibs and tells him that her daddy used to work for rich folks, but they drove him off and made her stay behind...and somehow Greg Evigan buys that nonsensical tale.

Greg Evigan pulls up to a restaurant - Valene's last known workplace - and he and Lucy go inside. Lucy inquires with the manager about her mother, but he informs her that she recently quit and possibly moved to Austin. He then spots Greg Evigan breaking into the cash register and yells, "Hey! What do you think you're doing over there?!" and Greg Evigan pulls out his gun and points it at him and orders everyone currently dining in the restaurant to stay cool. He takes all the cash from the register, grabs Lucy, and forces her back to the van. The manager rushes outside and watches with dismay as the van speeds away. 

Greg laughs maniacally and bellows, "You and me! We pulled it off!" and Lucy's all, "Wuh?" and argues that she had no idea he was planning to commit a robbery. Greg Evigan angrily shouts, "Shut your face!" and when Lucy keeps nattering about how she wasn't in any way clued in to his illegal activities, he pulls the van over to the side of the road and bellows, "I said, don't  make me mad!" He starts twitching uncontrollably, then stabs his index finger in Lucy's direction, which is effective in shutting her up. He takes a few deep breaths, stops twitching, and assures Lucy that everything's going to be A-OK. He cups her chin and stares at her expectantly, so she squeaks, "OK" and Greg Evigan chuckles and starts driving again.

The restaurant manager who Greg Evigan just robbed calls the cops, and their arrival at the restaurant coincides with that of Bobby's. He insists that Lucy was just an innocent bystander, then pays off the manager to dissuade him from pressing charges against the dumbass. The manager thinks they're probably headed for Austin, and one of the cops tells Bobby they're going to pursue that lead...which, hopefully, will result in Lucy's safe return. 

Greg Evigan parks the van in a wooded area and takes a nap to try to quell the voices in his head. Lucy tries to tip-toe past him - but he wakes up and snarls, "Where do you think you're going?" Lucy says she's been thinkin' and decided that it'd be best if they split up now, and Greg Evigan laughs maniacally and nixes the idea and says he doesn't like to be alone. He reminds her that she stole a fancy car and a gasoline credit card - and translates this into meaning that they're meant for each other. He then looms over her and declares, "You're my girl from now on. Right?!" and when Lucy just stares despondently into space, Greg Evigan gives her a from-behind bear hug and kisses the top of her head.

When they hit the road again, Greg Evigan asks Lucy if she's mad at him...and when he gets no response, he offers to drive her straight to Austin. He asks her if she wants breakfast, and she whimpers, "Let me go...please" and promises not to tell the cops about the restaurant robbery (which is idiotic, 'cause there was a roomful of eye-witnesses), but he says no and insists that they're meant to be together.

Back at the ranch, Lucy's birthday party (sans Lucy) is in full swing. The Lawrence Welk-esque band that Sue Ellen booked is performing (so it's probably best that Lucy isn't there to see them), and Jock tells Miss Ellie he now regrets being so dickishly inflexible about not allowing Lucy to invite Valene to the party. Well, d'yuh.

Bobby is driving around Texas in his red Mercedes, still searching for Lucy.

Greg Evigan stops at a gas station and pays for his fuel with JR's stolen gasoline credit card...then decides to rob the attendant of whatever cash he has on him. After knocking him out, he runs back to the van, squeals off, and cackles, "That suckuh!" He throws the wad of cash at Lucy and orders her to count it...and she does and tearfully tells him it's thirty dollars. Her response seems to make him angry, and he swerves around the road for awhile, then acknowledges that he's a total nutter with anger management issues. He nods and mutters to himself, "Need to keep it cool...keep it cool..." LOL.

Southfork. Pam accepts all the birthday gifts from the partygoers and assures them that Lucy will love them. JR is talking to Congressman Oates, then wanders off to look for Slade.

Bobby has arrived at the gas station where Greg Evigan knocked the attendant unconscious. He asks the attendant where he thinks the van is headed, then gives him a little advance bribe money for the info. When the attendant says they drove in the direction of Austin, Bobby urges him to call the Austin police, give them the van's license plate number, and tell them, "Bobby Ewing told me to call" 'cause apparently he has an in with the police force there.

Greg Evigan tells Lucy she's going to have to earn her keep by singing for money in a seedy bar. Er...OK. Lucy wails, "I don't know how to sing!" but Greg Evigan glares at her and orders, "You sing. You sing good" then grabs her arm and steers her toward the bar. It's really starting to go off the rails, this abduction.

Bobby's back on the road, headed to Austin. Back at the ranch, Pam stares sadly at Lucy's four tier birthday cake.

As a comedian entertains the seedy bar patrons, Greg Evigan tells Lucy he's proud of her and warns her not to get nervous or sick while she's on stage 'cause he'll be watching her like the obsessive tool he is.

A police officer is writing up a parking ticket for Greg Evigan's van. He then notes the license plate, calls it in, and - because the episode's almost over and the plot needs to move forward more quickly - learns that it's a stolen vehicle.

Southfork. Despite JR's best efforts, Congressman Oates and Slade don't get along very well. Oates eventually gives in and relucantly agrees to work with Slade, then openly admits he's only doing it 'cause he wants the Ewings to fund his re-election. Jock nods approvingly and gruffly says, "That's good enough for me."

Lucy gets up on stage and looks like she's having the time of her life as she badly - like, really badly - lip-syncs to a country song...instead of...oh I don't know...using the opportunity to escape her current kidnapping ordeal. Everyone in the bar delightedly cheers and claps along. LOL.

The police surround the area where Greg Evigan's van is parked...and they're armed with rifles, waiting for him to show himself. Bobby, naturally, is among the police officers, and reminds them not to let the bullets fly 'cause his idiot niece is still with the nutter.

As Lucy continues to horrifically - like, really horrifically - lip-sync to the indulgent bar crowd, Greg Evigan points his gun at the bartender and orders him to hand over all the money in the cash register. As Lucy wraps up her performance, Greg Evigan motions for her to flee the club with him...and instead of trying to escape her kidnapping ordeal by running in the opposite direction, she waves back and obediently rushes over to him. From this I can only assume that Stockholm Syndrome has started to set in. When they exit the bar out the back door, they're suddenly surrounded by police. Greg Evigan points his gun at them, then motions toward Lucy and bellows, "Don't make me hurt her!" Bobby jumps into action and tells Greg Evigan he's Lucy's Uncle Bobby...and Greg Evigan finally gets a clue and realizes that his hostage is a wealthy Ewing. Bobby offers to take Lucy's place as his hostage and says he's carrying $2,000 he's willing to hand over. Greg Evigan mulls that over and decides he likes the sound of that, so Bobby starts walking over. Lucy screeches, "Don't trust him!" then grabs Greg Evigan's ear...and no, that's not a typo. In fact, I hit rewind to be sure that I saw it right - and, yep, she really does grab his ear. During the chaos of Greg Evigan's ear getting tweaked, Bobby punches him and knocks the gun out of his hand...and the cops rush in, handcuff him, and take him away. Phew!

Bobby assures a sheepish Lucy that no one is going to be mad at her multiple acts of idiocy, which include: stealing JR's car, hitchhiking, and getting into a lunatic's fur-lined van. She thanks him, and the two hug.

Southfork. JR tells Sue Ellen she did a good job mingling at the party and thanks her for planning the momentous event. Miss Ellie bursts out of the house and tells Jock the good news about Lucy...and says that she and Bobby will return home tomorrow. Jock is pleased, but laments not getting a birthday dance with his granddaughter, so Miss Ellie tenderly assures him he can have one tomorrow. Pam, who's standing nearby, smiles at the sight of her aging in-laws canoodling.

Recap: Pam is straddling Bobby on their bed, giving him a back massage...and Bobby is complaining that his back is in knots 'cause of how hard he's been working on the ranch lately. Pam chirps about how happy she is that he's OK with her working and figured he couldn't possibly be as stubborn and bull-headed as the rest of the men in his family. That said, she promises that her job will never become a burden on their marriage. Bobby saucily asks, "And how will you do that?" and she leans in and gives him a big smooch.

A mysterious blonde guy [who, ironically, looks a lot like Ted Shackleford] is parked in front of Digger's house, and he's staring at the house and also down at a newspaper article featuring a photo of Pam and Bobby at a gala. Aunt Maggie exits the house, yelling at Digger that she'll be back in the morning, and the mysterious blonde guy makes a beeline over to her and asks her if Pamela Barnes lives here. Aunt Maggie says no, and when the mysterious blonde guy says he needs to talk to Pam about something personal, Aunt Maggie tells him she prolly wouldn't be interested 'cause she's a married Ewing woman now.

The Ewings are having breakfast on the patio, and Jock is grumbling about not being able to eat salt - fallout from his heart attack during the Bypass episode. Bobby starts gabbling about the construction deal JR helped set him up with: the construction of a school for wayward boys. JR approves of the tax break they'll be getting with this project and assures Jock that it's a win-win. Jock grumbles at Bobby for not being more focused and says that ever since the pilot episode he's gone from wanting to be a business executive at Ewing Oil (which he somehow blames Pam for), to working as a ranch hand at Southfork, to wanting to become a construction foreman. Bobby snarks back that he's been making his own choices, and assures his grizzled father that he'll one day carve out a place for himself.   

Digger is drunkenly lumbering in an alley, where he finds one of his wino friends drinking from a something in a paper bag. Digger offers to buy him a drink at the seedy bar down the street, and the wino eagerly takes him up on it...and across the street, the mysterious blonde guy is watching.

Bobby is showing the eleven acre lot to the building committee for the school for wayward boys. The uptight Reverend Thornwood bitchily reminds him that a number of people are bidding on this project and that despite the Ewings' generous land donation, they still have to go through a fair tendering process. An uptight woman haughtily asks Bobby why his plans don't include bars on the windows - but before Bobby can respond to the bizarre question, Reverend Thornwood gives him a guilt trip about how he and Pam haven't been seen in church lately.

Inside the seedy bar, Digger's wino friend is passed out and Digger babbles incoherently to another drinker. When Digger tries to order another drink, the bartender tells him he knows he's out of money and therefore refuses to serve him. The mysterious blonde guy steps in and offers to pay for a round of drinks for Digger and himself, then seats himself beside the hopeless drunkard and tells him he heard he was the best damn wildcatter in all of Texas and that he had a beautiful girl. Digger nods proudly, then sadly says his daughter is lost forever now that she's married to a Ewing. He bitterly adds, "It's a wonder she finds time for her job at the store" and the mysterious blonde guy perks up at that tidbit. Digger then scrunches his face and goes, "Do I know you?" then decides he doesn't really give a rat's ass either way and guzzles his free drink.

As Bobby wraps up an invigorating swim in the Southfork pool, Pam comes over and asks him how the tour of the empty lot went. He tells her it went OK - but since there are other companies bidding on the construction project, the two of them are going to have to become pillars of the community until the bid is awarded to him. Pam chuckles and agrees.

The mysterious blonde guy drops off Digger at his house...and as Digger staggers up to the front door, the mysterious blonde guy rushes after him, produces a whiskey bottle, and says, "Well, I guess I'll go off somewhere and drink this." LOL. Digger goes, "No! Come on in!" and the two disappear inside the house.

The mysterious blonde guy drops by the store where Pam works. She's just about to run an errand when he chases after her calling, "Pamela! Pamela! Don't you remember me?" She whirls around and stares at him blankly and says no, so he retorts, "Well you should. I'm your husband" and Pam's all, "Wha-a?! Ed??"

Ed Haines, the man Pam was briefly married to but hasn't seen in ten years, wryly tells her that getting caught up with her husband is more important than running an errand. Pam insists they're not married - but he disagrees, coos about how beautiful she is, then pulls out a copy of their marriage licence from Juarez, Mexico. Pam's like, "Ooooh yeah" and recalls that they were just kids when they ran off to get married. She informs him that the marriage was quickly annulled after he was shipped off to Vietnam, and that she later dumped him via mail and sent him a copy of the annulment papers. Ed bitterly retorts, "The mail wasn't very regular in North Vietnamese prison camps" and Pam sheepishly apologizes and says she had no idea he was a POW. She asks him why he didn't contact her before now, so he explains that he was in a veteran's hospital, recovering from PTSD and his various POW injuries. Pam tells him she moved on and is married to Bobby Ewing now, and Ed scrunches his face in confusion and says he doesn't get how she can be married to two men at the same time. She wails, "Would you please believe me? I am not married to you!" and Ed's like, "Yeah, whatever" and tells her he's staying at the Sage Rush Motel, and that she should feel encouraged to give him a call. 

Southfork. Pam calls the ranch looking for Bobby, but Miss Ellie tells her he went out somewhere. Pam then calls Cliff and says she needs to see him, like pronto.

Pam rushes over to Cliff's election headquarters to tell him about The Ed Situation, and explains that they thought it would be romantic to run off and get married before got shipped overseas. However, once Digger got wind of the idiotic decision, he immediately arranged for an annulment. Sounds like he was a lot more functional back then. Ed claims he never received the annullment papers, but Cliff points out that they have to be on file at the Records Department. Pam perks up at that and goes, "Oh right! Good, let's go!" but Cliff says the office is closed until tomorrow. Pam insists she needs them tonight for when she tells Bobby, so Cliff says that Aunt Maggie probably has a copy...and the two rush over to their cars and drive off.
​
Ed arrives at Ewing Oil and tells the secretary he needs to speak with Mr. Ewing regarding Mrs. Ewing...which sounds like a misunderstanding waiting to happen. The secretary buzzes JR and tells him that a Mr. Haines is here to see him, and JR tells her to send him in. When Ed enters his office, he starts rambling about Mrs. Ewing's past, and JR assumes it's a blackmail attempt and barks at him to get to the point. Ed informs him that he married his wife when he was in the service, and a puzzled JR goes, "Sue Ellen..?" and Ed's like, "No - I'm talking about Pamela." He pulls out his marriage licence and hands it to JR, and JR studies it carefully and says it looks plenty legal - but his family's lawyers will need to verify. He asks Ed what he wants, and Ed simply says, "Pamela" so JR explains that Pam is actually married to his brother Bobby...but that he'll personally see to it that justice will be swift for the shameless bigamist.

Aunt Maggie can't find the annulment papers and tells Pam and Cliff she had no idea that the mysterious blonde guy was Ed Haines. Digger smugly says he knows where the papers are, and after admonishing him for not speaking up sooner, Pam and Cliff follow him upstairs. Digger rifles through his drawers and searches through the various boxes he stores under his bed...but there's no sign of the annulment papers. He comes across a box containing old family photos and Pam's birth certificate...but he's dumbfounded when the annulment papers are nowhere to be found. Pam freaks out and wails, "Ooooh noooo! What am I going to tell Bobby?!"

The Ewings are sitting on the patio, impatiently waiting for Pam to return home. Jock gruffly asks Bobby where in the bloody hell she is and grumbles, "Your wife should be here. She knows when we have dinner." Bobby says she's running an errand for the store, and Jock growls, "I told you no good would come of her going to work." Sue Ellen tells Bobby that some members of the building committee have expressed concerns about him, particularly Pam's familial connection to a hopeless drunkard...and Lucy accuses her of being the one to stoke that rumor. Bobby assures Sue Ellen that the committee meeting went very well...and for good measure, he quoted scripture to the uptight reverend. By this time, Pam has arrived home, and Bobby kisses her hello and says he was worried, and she discreetly tells him she'll explain later. As the family heads inside to put the feedbag on, JR announces that he had an interesting visitor today: Ed Haines, an army veteran who was captured by the Vietnamese and served time in a prison camp. Pam begs him to stop talking, but JR ignores her and blurts out, "He's Pam's lawful husband!" then turns to Bobby and solemnly declares, "Bobby, I'm afraid you're married to a bigamist." LOL. Jock growls, "What the hell are you talking about?!" so JR hands him a copy of Ed's/Pam's marriage licence. Bobby fibs and tells JR that Pam already told him all about her previous marriage, and Pam wails, "It was annulled! I was just a kid!" and insists that Ed is looking for some kind of payout. JR tells her he didn't ask for a cent [well...yet], and when Bobby angrily tells him this is none of his business, JR says it is, actually, 'cause he has the family name to think about...and Jock gruffly agrees. Sue Ellen reminds Bobby that he's looking to partner with a very religious building committee who won't take kindly to this type of scandal, so Bobby tells her that Pam isn't a bigamist, and that clearly Ed is running some kind of scam. JR argues that he had his investigators look into Ed's background, and they verified his prison camp story...and that it seems like all he wants is his wife back.

In their bedroom, Pam thanks Bobby for standing up to JR on her behalf - but Bobby snarlishly demands to know why she has never told him about Ed. She tells him she never gave it much thought, on account of she and Ed never doinked...plus, the marriage was annulled so quickly. She adds that Digger has the annulment papers but isn't able to locate them at the moment, so she and Cliff are headed to the Records Office first thing tomorrow morning. Bobby insists on tagging along and warns, "If you don't have proof of the annulment, then you and I might not be married. And I don't like that at all!" So there.

Cliff, Bobby, and Pam are dismayed when Records Office clerk Harry tells them there's no record of the annulment, and deduces that it was never filed. Bobby's like, "Produce those papers! I'm a Ewing!" (LOL) but the guy refuses, so they have no choice but to amble away and come up with a Plan B. Cliff tells Pam and Bobby that the filing of an annulment triggers four copies, and that Digger's attorney would still have a copy. Pam reminds him that his lawyer is long dead, but Cliff says that his secretary in Fort Worth would still have possession of his files. He offers to drive there and retrieve the annulment papers...and Bobby abruptly snaps, "I need to talk to someone!" and storms off.

Bobby drops by the Sage Rush Motel for a one-on-one with Ed. He asks him how much money he wants, but Ed insists he doesn't have a price. When Bobby barks, "How much?!" Ed stubbornly retorts, "I'm still in love with Pam." Bobby offers him $10,000 to go away, but Ed pretends to be sickened by the bribe and tries to goad Bobby into hitting him. Bobby refrains and warns him to get out of Dallas, then gets back into his car and squeals off just as Harry pulls up. Ed looks alarmed and asks him what he's doing here - and says he just missed Bobby Ewing. Harry irritably says he thought this was just a quick blackmail scheme, and had no idea he'd be going up against the all powerful Ewings. He asks Ed whassup with the copy of the annulment papers in the Fort Worth office, and Ed smugly says they're at the bottom of a lake. He tells Harry he unwittingly stumbled into a family feud, and since the Ewing brothers don't see eye to eye when it comes to Pam, he figures he could walk away with $100,000. He offers a cut to Harry if he keeps his end of the bargain, and Harry likes the sound of that and agrees.

​Sue Ellen drops by the den where Bobby is doing some paperwork. She slips into her annoying southern belle routine and tells him she's becoming very concerned about the building project, since there's no way Reverend Thornwood will want to work with a man whose wife is a bigamist. Apparently, the good reverend believes that if a man can't handle his family, he can't handle business matters. The conversation is interrupted by a scuffle in the foyer...and Bobby and Sue Ellen rush over to see whassup and learn that Cliff has dropped by unannounced to give Pam and Bobby an update on Operation Find Pam's Annulment Papers. He tells them he found nothing in Fort Worth and recommends hiring an attorney to settle the tedious matter.

The next day, Digger, Cliff, Bobby, and Pam dine at an outdoor restaurant and discuss The Case of Pam's Missing Annulment Papers. Bobby says he's willing to pay whatever Haines wants just to get him out of their lives - but Digger insists on settling this man to man. Bobby says he's off to another building committee meeting, and Pam says she also needs to leave and tells her father and brother they'll think of something. Digger asks Cliff to drive him over to the Sage Rush Motel so he can give Haines the what-for and find a resolution to the matter before it becomes a full-blown scandal.

Pam makes a beeline over to the nearest pay phone and calls Ed.

When Digger arrives at the motel, he orders Ed to stop bothering his daughter, and Ed retorts by blaming him for taking his wife away from him. He snarls, "Stay away from me, you drunk" and saunters off. Cliff looks perplexed by the drunk crack and asks Digger why Ed would call him a drunk when, shockingly, he's not currently drunk. Digger thinks hard and finally remembers encountering Ed in the seedy bar.

During a committee meeting, Reverend Thornwood tells Bobby he can't condone his marriage to a bigamist (not sure how he would have heard 'bout that unless Sue Ellen told him), and Bobby tries to keep the conversation focused on construction and floor plans. Digger suddenly bursts into his office and says he now remembers what happened to those annulment papers! Bobby hustles him into the hall, where Digger tells him he recalls that Ed was in his house the other day...and that while they drank he showed him his box of old photos. That must have been when Ed stole the annulment papers. Bobby digests this latest development and says, in that case, the papers must be on file at the Records Office...so he's off to strong-arm Harry. Bobby ushers Digger over to JR's office and tells him to make himself comfortable in there 'cause JR will be gone all day. Haha!

Pam meets Ed in the park, and he's surprised she showed up alone. She tells him the Ewings kicked her out of Southfork, and she now needs him to lean on. He perks up at that and asks her how much money they gave her in severence, and she says she got nothing and just has her crummy retail job to live on. She tells him she'll come to him tonight, and they can both hightail it out of Dallas, and Ed fake promises that he'll be waiting for her at the motel.

Cliff threatens Harry with a court order to turn the Records Office upside down, and Bobby blurts out, "I'm a Ewing!" again and asks him what it'll take to settle this thing peacefully. Sounds like he and Cliff should have agreed upon a uniform strategy. Bobby threatens Harry with kidnapping and says he'll abandon him in the middle of nowhere and drive off...and Harry finally caves about his part in Ed's blackmail scheme and admits that he made a copy of Pam's annulment papers to cover his ass. In the next scene, Bobby and Cliff rush over to the Sage Rush Motel to confront Ed about his nefarious scheme, and are disappointed when they learn he already checked out.

Over dinner at Southfork, Bobby announces to the family that Pam's annulment papers were uncovered at the Records Office...and Sue Ellen informs Bobby that Reverend Thornwood called to say he's accepting Bobby's contact for construction of the wayward boys' school. She self-righteously adds, "I'll do anything to help the family." (Except keep her trap shut about Pam's personal business.) Jock gruffly praises Bobby for proving himself, and Miss Ellie says she's just glad this dumb storyline is finally over. JR looks pained as he asks Bobby what the hell Digger Barnes was doing sleeping on the couch in his office, and Bobby explains that he didn't want Digger mixing with the religious folk from the building committee...and everyone chortles at the visual of JR finding Pam's drunkard father snoozing in his office.

Recap: The Ewings are gathered around the sitting room at Southfork, celebrating Jock's and Miss Ellie's wedding anniversary. Sue Ellen gives them a gift on behalf of herself and JR: a fugly antique sculpture for the den. Jock stares at it perplexedly and grunts something unintelligible, while Miss Ellie thanks Sue Ellen and pretends it will make a lovely addition to the decor. Bobby hands his parents his and Pam's gift: an album filled with photos of the Ewing children at various stages of childhood. This prompts Grumbly Jock to grumble about how there aren't any babies in the house anymore...and Sue Ellen hastily assures him that she and JR are trying to reproduce and that she expects to conceive any day now. Jock dickishly growls, "You've been trying for seven years - I'm about to give up on you." Bobby chimes in and smarmily announces that Pam went to the doctor's today and was told she can try to have another baby any time too...and Jock and Miss Ellie happily coo as a horrified Pam cries, "Not too soon!" Miss Ellie glosses over the awkwardness of that outburst and toasts Jock, and then Jock toasts the future Ewings...and Sue Ellen and JR stare poutishly at Bobby and Pam.

Bedroom. Bobby asks Pam whassup with her not wanting a baby right away, so she tells him they're still young, newly married, and have plenty of time to reproduce. She says the timing has to be right for them, and refuses to rush into anything just 'cause his family is pressuring them. Bobby tells her they can always move away from Southfork and get their own house [which sounds completely awesome to me], but she reminds him how much he loves living on the ranch, and for some reason would rather not separate him from his nosy, overbearing family. She then announces that Liz Craig offered her a job in her store, so right now she's excited to explore a career [as a retail cashier??]...mostly 'cause she doesn't want to end up like Sue Ellen, who - she jokes - would probably "disappear like a puff of smoke if JR didn't exist". She asks Bobby to make an effort to understand her need to not be wholly dependent on a man for everything, and he promises to try - but since it's the '70s, he highly doubts he can fully get on board with such an outlandish notion.

Sue Ellen is in her negligee, sipping alcohol and perfuming herself while sexy '70s music plays in the background. She sashays over to the den, where JR is doing some reading, and huskily tells him to come to bed. He grunts disinterestedly, so she asks him if it doesn't bother him that Pam and Bobby will probably have a whole flock of children before they get around to having just one. JR shrugs and says it didn't seem like Pam was all that eager to start squeezing out babies, then gets up and pours himself another drink. Sue Ellen trails after him and whines about how Jock blames her for their barrenness even though there's nothing physically wrong with her...then suggests he get his (possibly) defective sperm checked out by a doctor. JR looks aghast and snarks, "I'm not taking any tests" and assures her he has no, er, problems down there...and Sue Ellen strips off her robe, thrusts her bosom in his direction, and says, "Then prove it." An appalled JR prudishly says, "I've told you how I feel about this type of conversation", and Sue Ellen sourly says that perhaps the man she married isn't the man he claims to be. JR glares at her and bitchily snaps, "There's nothing uglier than a woman who can't handle her liquor" and storms out of the house...and Sue Ellen chases after him screeching, "You can't keep running out on me!"

As JR flees to his car, she wails about how she wants to have a baby while she's young, and that she needs something to hold onto 'cause this soul destroying train wreck of a marriage just isn't cutting it anymore. JR mockingly replies, "I'll buy you a puppy" and squeals out of the driveway...and Sue Ellen bellows, "This is the last time you do this to  me!" just as Ray Krebbs pulls up in his truck. He walks over and asks Sue Ellen if everything is OK, then urges her to go inside before she catches a cold. Sue Ellen gives Ray a once-over and seductively purrs, "Not if I get something to warm me." OMFG, gross. As she drunkenly fondles his chest, he asks if there's anything he can do for her...and she murmurs, "I think so" and leans in for a long, blechy smooch.

The next morning, Ray spots Sue Ellen sunning herself by the pool. He ambles over, flashes her a big smile, and goes, "Hey - Sue Ellen! How's it going?" She glares at him as though he's something she just scraped off the bottom of her shoe and haughtily retorts, "It's Mrs. Ewing, Ray" and Ray puts his hurt face on and says, "Mrs. Ewing..? What about last night?" [Oh, Ray. You really think a drunken dalliance with the boss's daughter-in-law is actually going to lead somewhere??] Sue Ellen says she has no idea what he's talking about, then gets up and struts over toward the house. She runs into Miss Ellie, who thanks her again for the fugly sculpture, then tells her that she and Jock had "issues" when they were first married...but once JR was born, their relationship felt more permanent and things began to fall into place. Sue Ellen says she really really wants to have a child - but since JR refuses to ever doink her, it's not likely to happen. Miss Ellie mulls that over and - instead of addressing the weirdness of her son not wanting to ever bone his own wife - suggests that perhaps adoption is a good way to go. Sue Ellen says she doubts that Jock or JR would be in favor of that (no duh), but Miss Ellie just shrugs and says if a child could help repair her shitty marriage with JR, then she needs to do whatever it takes...'cause, yeah, it's totally reasonable to put that kind of responsibility and pressure on an innocent, hapless child. She's kind of a fuckwit, that Miss Ellie.

Sue Ellen meets with someone named Barbara at the Woodfield Adoption Service...and as Barbara begins processing her file, she remarks that since she's married to a Ewing, it'll likely speed up the process 'cause surely lots of little kids would loooove to live at Southfork. [LOL - I'm not sure they actually would.] Sue Ellen makes a blech face and says, "I'd like a newborn, please" and Barbara tells her that most people interested in adoption want newborns. She explains that with abortion being legal and the pill being freely available to women, there's a shortage of unwanted infants...meaning the wait list could be as long as three years. Sue Ellen looks dismayed, says she has no interest in an older child, and beats a hasty retreat. Barbara looks contemplative for a few seconds, then gets on the phone with a lawyer named Buzz Connors. She tells him she just had a meeting with someone he might be able to "help"...and Buzz perks up when he hears the name Ewing, and eagerly says, "I can always lend a hand to a Ewing."

Pam informs Bobby that she's going into town to meet up with Liz Craig to discuss her foray into retail cashiering, and Bobby's all, "Wuh? I thought we settled that last night." He reiterates that there's no need for her to work, and Pam says that while that might suit him best, it isn't the way she wants to live her life. Bobby tries to assert his non-existent authority over her and snarks, "I don't want you to doooo this!" and Pam tells him he's starting to act like his douchebag sexist father, then squeals off in his red Mercedes. Haha!

Cliff is chatting with Buzz Connors, who I guess he's friends with, while they stroll downtown. Buzz spots Sue Ellen waiting for him across the street and waves to her...and after they walk over, he introduces her to Cliff. Sue Ellen grins and says, "I've heard a lot about you" and says he's far more attractive than his reputation...and Cliff tells her she's far too pretty to be a Ewing, then leaves her and Buzz to conduct their bidness.

Buzz tells Sue Ellen he's drawn up the necessary papers for the purchase of a newborn baby. Sue Ellen scrunches her face in confusion and says she thought baby buying was illegal...so Buzz explains that he has a profitable side business going that entails targeting young pregnant girls and offering to pay them lots of cash in exchange for their spawn. He adds that while there's no red tape, the adoptive parents have to pay $15,000 to cover the various expenses, plus his cut. He tells Sue Ellen he's currently in communication with a seventeen year old girl who's several months pregnant and living in poverty. Sue Ellen perks up and says she'd like to meet her.

Sue Ellen arrives at a run-down building on the other side of the tracks and meets her potential surrogate: a surly young snot named Rita Briggs. Rita taunts Sue Ellen about not being able to conceive her own child, then bitches at her for being rich enough to buy herself a baby - but Sue Ellen ignores her bitchitude and offers to set her up in a much nicer apartment, where she'll ply her with groceries and baby supplies. Rita takes her up on that and haughtily demands the best if she expects to get her baby, and Sue Ellen promises to make all the arrangements.

Bobby takes a break from his ranch work to chit-chat with his parents on the patio. They ask him whassup with him and Pam lately, and he says that Pam has been talking about getting a job in town. Jock scowls and grumbles, "A job? What does she need a job for? Ewing women don't work!" Bobby breaks it to Grumpy Pants that Pam doesn't exactly consider herself to be "a Ewing woman" and that she really likes the idea of working and earning her own money. Jock makes a sneering noise and says she'd be a lot better off if she stayed home and pumped out a few kids - but Bobby says the timing isn't right for them...and while he doesn't much like the idea of her working, he's starting to grasp that she wants to live her life as an independent woman. When Bobby ambles back toward the stables, Jock growls to Miss Ellie that he'll never understand kids today.

Sue Ellen arrives at the lovely new furnished townhouse she rented for Rita with a big box of groceries. Rita tells her she's pleased with her new pad, and then the two bond over being former beauty pageant contestants, blah blah..

Pam meets up with Liz Craig and gabbles to her about how Bobby is opposed to her working...but that she's sure he'll eventually come around.

Sue Ellen is shopping for baby things with Rita when she runs into Pam. She pretends she's buying a shower gift for a friend - but then Rita puts the kibosh in her cover story when she chooses that moment to come over and ask Sue Ellen what color the nursery is going to be. Sue Ellen introduces her to Pam, then discreetly tells her to pick out green things. After Rita scuttles off, Sue Ellen tells Pam she's involved with "a charity thing" that apparently involves taking teenage mothers-to-be shopping for baby clothes...and a skeptical looking Pam goes, "Whatever, Sue Ellen" and heads off. 

Lucy is lounging by the pool in a skimpy red bikini when she spots Ray and invites him over for a swim. He declines and says he has too much work to do...which was probably a wise answer, 'cause JR suddenly appears out of nowhere and tells Ray to skedaddle, and then orders Lucy to cover up whenever she fraternizes with the help. Lucy remarks that Sue Ellen has been acting weirder than usual, then blabs about how she's been getting a lot of calls from a man named Buzz Connors, and that she just rented a swanky apartment. JR frowns as he mulls over the disturbing gossip.

Rita asks Sue Ellen why she lied to Pam about their arrangement, so Sue Ellen admits that her husband doesn't yet know about her black market baby escapades. Rita's all, "Wha-a?!", so Sue Ellen says the longer she can keep it from her husband, the more forced upon him the adopted baby will become...and what could go wrong with that?

JR calls his investigator and asks him to look into Buzz Connors, and also find out where Sue Ellen's new apartment is located. He says he's eager to figure out what she's up to, like asap.

Rita phones Southfork and thinks she's talking to Sue Ellen when she tells Pam that Buzz wants to know which hospital the baby will be born in. Pam's all, "Wha-a?!" and says she has the wrong Mrs. Ewing...then puts two and two together. She drops by Sue Ellen's room to tell her about the phone call she just got, and that she knows what she's up to. Sue Ellen bitterly tells Pam she can have a baby anytime she wants...and that the waiting time for the legal adoption of an infant is three years. She insists on continuing to go the black market baby route, then orders Pam to keep her mouth shut and get the hell out of her room.

Sue Ellen arrives at Rita's townhouse with more baby supplies...and is quickly perplexed when there's no sign of the pregnant teen. As she searches the second floor of the apartment, JR stealthily enters through the front door and looks disdainfully at the bags of baby supplies his wife just brought over. When Sue Ellen spots him from the upstairs landing, she snaps, "What have you done with her?" so he informs her that Rita is on a bus to California. A furious Sue Ellen descends the stairs, glares at him hatefully, and storms out.

When Sue Ellen returns to Southfork, she rails at Pam for blabbing to JR about her illegal baby plans. Pam swears she didn't breathe a word of it to anyone, but Sue Ellen doesn't buy that, calls her a cheap hussy, and snarls, "You can have it all: Ewing Oil, and this whole damn ranch. 'Cause I have had it!" [That might have had more impact if she actually owned those things and therefore had the ability to give them away.] She then storms inside the house...and a few minutes later, JR arrives home and (spoiler!) the shit's about to hit the fan.

Upstairs, Sue Ellen is angrily packing her bags. JR enters the room and asks her whassup, so she snaps, "I'm getting out!" He tells her she's not going anywhere, then explains that he had to put an end to "that baby business" 'cause it would have been too embarrassing. She says she thought a baby would make things better between them, and JR tells her he definitely wants a baby one day - but theirs, not someone else's. She reminds him that he hasn't penetrated her in months, and that everyone in the family makes her feel like it's her fault she hasn't conceived...so then JR, who has underestimated her anger level, mockingly says, "Oh come on, Miss Texas", and she reacts by giving him a hard, loud smack across the face. He grabs her and growls, "You're my wife!" and when she wails, "Not the kind of wife I want to be!",  he retorts, "We're going to fix that right now!" - eeeeek!! - and shoves her onto the bed for what appears to be some '70s TV marital rape action. She tells him his touch makes her want to hurl, and her forcibly kisses her and says, "You'll get over that soon enough." Sue Ellen weakly struggles and huskily murmurs, "I don't want you...I don't want you..." as JR ignores her and smothers her neck with kisses.

Bobby excitedly tells Pam he has a surprise for her, then points to a fancy black sports car that's parked in the driveway. He tells her he bought it for her so she can get to work every day without having to borrow his car. Pam squeals happily, and the two climb in and go for a test drive. Sue Ellen, who's lurking nearby, enviously watches the two drive off. A chastened looking JR walks over, leers at her for a few seconds, then remarks that he heard something about Bobby buying Pam a new car. When Sue Ellen ignores him, he tells her he's going into town and asks her if she needs anything - but she coldly says no. He sheepishly says he's probably working late tonight anyway, then shuffles over to his car and drives off.

Final thought: I blame Miss Ellie for encouraging Sue Ellen to pursue adoption. No one at Southfork should ever take this idiot woman's advice.

Recap: Jock and Ray are on horseback, herding cattle on the Southfork ranch with the aid of a helicopter flying overhead.

Elsewhere on the estate, the womenfolk are hosting a charity committee meeting. They vote on whether or not to have a dance during a fundraiser, then adjourn. Pam, who does her best not to look bored stiff, announces to Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie that she's going to call Bobby to see if he wants to meet up for lunch. Sue Ellen frowns disapprovingly and tells her that men don't like their wives calling them at the office, and Pam refrains from rolling her eyes and politely thanks her for her "experienced opinion".

Ewing Oil. Bobby looks deep in thought as he studies a giant map of Texas. When Pam calls to ask him if he's free for lunch, he declines and says he has an important meeting with JR and two Texas cronies (aptly named Willie Joe and Jeb). After the call, Bobby barges into JR's office and remarks on all the land Ewing Oil owns, so JR explains that Jock bought up as much land as he could during a time when there was a demand for oil leases. Bobby suggests putting the non oil field properties to good use, and JR's like, "Yeah, whatever" and tells him he needs to take a meeting, like pronto, with someone from Luke Hailey Freight Lines about some missing rigs. Bobby says he'd much rather attend the meeting with Willie Joe and Jeb, but JR insists that the freight line meeting requires his immediate attention. Bobby acquiesces and storms out of the office just as Willie Joe and Jeb arrive. JR greets the two yokels in an over-the-top, jovial fashion and suggests they go out for lunch and then indulge in a steam bath (er...OK) and he tells his secretary to call his wife and let her know he won't be home for dinner. Meanwhile, when Bobby returns to the office after his freight line meeting, he's furious to learn that JR excluded him from his lunch/steam bath plans.

The next morning, Sue Ellen is irritably slamming drawers closed as she bitches at a hungover JR for staying out until 4:00am. He reminds her it was for business related reasons, but she doesn't buy that and huffily says she's off to meet Miss Ellie to go to another of their charity meetings. She needlessly adds that Pam is no longer invited 'cause she doesn't seem to fit in.​

Pam is enjoying a swim in the Southfork pool while Bobby sits nearby and does paperwork. She tells him she's having lunch with her old boss, Liz Craig, in lieu of sitting through another boring luncheon with Sue Ellen. Bobby remarks that she's been having lunch with Liz Craig a lot lately and asks her if she's contemplating going back to work. Pam asks, "Is that bad?" and Bobby replies, in a totally non-jokey way 'cause it's 1978, "Hmm...I'm going to have to think about that." He then takes a call from a developer named Harold about possibly building apartment complexes on some of the empty land owned by Ewing Oil, and proposes they get together to discuss it further.

Bobby drives over to the stables to talk to Jock about his development ideas, and proposes creating a separate company to coordinate all the construction. Jock asks him if he's spoken to JR about this, and Bobby says he has no real desire to discuss it with JR 'cause he never includes him in his various business dealings...plus, they always seem to be in conflict about everything. Jock says he doesn't like the sound of that, but Bobby's just like, "Tough nuts" and says he has a plane to catch. He promises his daddy he'll update him later and rushes off...and Jock stomps toward the house looking a lot grumpier than usual.

JR is on the patio, making himself a raw egg concoction to soothe his hangover. Jock asks him where he was all night...and when JR tells him about his swingin' night on the town, he grumbles about what shady lowlifes Willie Joe and Jeb are, who apparently are nothing like their sainted fathers. He demands to know where Bobby fits into his non-stop partying with the Texas cronies, then snarks that he knows full well he's been excluding his brother from important Ewing Oil business. He then informs his eldest son that Bobby is talking about branching out and starting a construction firm, and JR's all, "Wha-a?" and says this is the first he's heard of it. Jock makes it clear that he wants his sons (uh, minus Gary) to work together...and when JR starts whining about how little experience Bobby has, Jock reminds him that Ewing Oil is a family business. As the two bicker back and forth, Jock suddenly clutches his chest and contorts his face in a fake, funny looking mask of pain and starts moaning unintelligibly. JR asks him if he's OK, but Jock is unable to answer and collapses...and JR rushes over to the phone and barks at the operator to send an ambulance to the Southfork ranch asap.

Lucy scrunches her face concernedly when she notices an ambulance arrive at the ranch...but doesn't pursue obtaining any actual information. She calls the place where Sue Ellen and Miss Elllie are attending a charity committee meeting and tells them about the ambulance sighting, and Sue Ellen says she should probably alert Bobby. 

The ambulance arrives at the hospital, and the paramedics quickly wheel Jock into the ER while JR chases after them. 

Pam tells Liz Craig she loves being married to Bobby, then grimaces and says, "Southfork's another story." She admits to being bored to tears at the ranch, so Liz offers her a job at her store - but before Pam can reply, she gets a call from one of the secretaries at Ewing Oil about Jock's collapse.

Hospital. Miss Ellie and Sue Ellen arrive at the ER, and Pam rushes in shortly afterward and informs the family that Bobby isn't here 'cause he flew to Houston for a quick business trip.  

Lucy runs into the stables shrieking, "Ray!" and says she needs someone to talk to and canoodle with, but Ray irritably tells her to go pee up a rope 'cause he's got a ranch to run. She tries to hug him and then whimpers about how scared she is, but he pushes her away and says, "Not now." She tells him how frightened she is about getting old, and Ray tells her that since Jock could be dying at this very moment, her thoughts should probably be on him, not herself. She throws herself at him one last time and says she desperately wants to feel alive - as in, not old - and Ray snaps, "So does Jock!" and stalks off.

The Ewing family doctor, who has rushed to the hospital to monitor Jock's heart situation, tells the family that their patriarch had a heart attack...and that he's recommending moving him to a better hospital. JR snarks at Pam about Bobby's absence and the way "he started in on him him"...and then nonsensically blames her for putting her husband up to it. Pam makes a beeline over to the nearest pay phone and tries to get a hold of Bobby.

On the way to Dallas Memorial Hospital, Miss Ellie rides with Jock in the back of the ambulance and implores him not to die. 

JR paces the waiting room while the womenfolk patiently sit still...and a few minutes later, the doctor comes out and tells them that Jock is being stabilized before undergoing more tests. He urges them to go home and get some rest...and when Miss Ellie says she'd prefer to stay, he tells her that Jock would not like the idea of her sitting vigil.  

JR blames Bobby for upsetting Jock with his "development scheme", but Bobby denies saying anything that would have worked up their father to the point of having a heart attack. Willie Jo and Jeb, meanwhile, arrive at the hospital...and after the requisite niceties and faux concern about Jock, they tell JR they'd like to take a look at the red file. JR tries to explain that his mind isn't really on business at the moment...but when the yokels insist, he promises to pull the file and call them later.  

Bobby tiptoes into Jock's hospital room. He caresses his father's head then kisses his forehead while whispering, "Sorry, daddy." In the next scene, Bobby returns to Southfork and joins forces with Ray to herd the cattle.

At the house, Pam asks Miss Ellie if she's seen Bobby, and Miss Ellie tells her he's cattle herding with Ray. Pam remarks on how guilty Bobby feels about possibly causing Jock's heart attack and that she's very worried about him...and Miss Ellie says she has bigger things on her mind and snappishly tells Pam that Bobby is her responsibility and that she alone has to handle it. She then dials back her bitchitude and says she has to get back to the hospital, then goofily grins as she says, "Jock gets peeved when I'm not around when he wakes up in the morning." That...was kind of a weird thing to share. 

Miss Ellie tells Jock he needs to undergo a few more tests, after which the doctors may have to open him up. She then tells him that Bobby's been cattle herding with Ray, and Jock frowns and says he's worried he's been a bad father...then moans about his failure at allowing Gary to become a drunken drifter. Miss Ellie concedes that while he definitely screwed the pooch with Gary, JR has done wonders with Ewing Oil, and Bobby is loving working at the ranch. Jock orders her to keep the family (minus Gary, I guess) together if he dies...and then the two marvel about how long they've been married and agree it's been a good life. 

Southfork. Pam asks Bobby why he didn't visit Jock in the hospital yesterday, and he mutters, "He doesn't need a crowd." She asks him if he's hanging out at the ranch 'cause he feels guilty about Jock's heart attack, and Bobby casts his head down and says he could have killed him. Pam assures him it's not his fault, then hugs him and says, "Pleeeease...he needs you now" and they both tear up.

Jock is gabbling with a gaggle of old cronies who have come to visit, until the nurse tells them they have to leave 'cause they're being too disruptive. Bobby arrives and lets Jock know how much everyone at Southfork misses him...and when Jock asks him how the new construction firm is shaping up, Bobby tells him it's on the back burner for now. 
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Bank. JR opens a safety deposit box and pulls out what looks like the red file.

Pam is in the living room at Southfork, working on some sketches when Sue Ellen enters the house looking visibly drunk. She twirls around the foyer and goes upstairs, then walks back down as though she's making a grand entrance before an adoring crowd. Pam tries not to laugh as she asks her whassup with her debutante act, then tells her she's considering going back to work - unlike a certain someone who's just sitting around waiting for Jock to die so she can become the lady of the manor. Sue Ellen snarks, "You have a disgusting mouth" so Pam asks her what the heck she was doing on the stairs just now...and Sue Ellen sneers that when she takes over Southfork, her first order of business will be to throw her out. Miss Ellie, who looks like she overheard the conversation, suddenly appears at the top of the stairs and sternly declares, "No one is taking over. Not while I'm alive." Sue Ellen looks up at her sheepishly and quietly scampers upstairs, and Miss Ellie comes downstairs, shaking her head in mock bewilderment and smiling at Pam as if to say, "Do you believe that wily scamp?"

JR meets up with Willie Jo and Jeb to hand over the red file, which contains Jock's will. Apparently, it gives JR the rights to all the land owned by Ewing Oil, which seems kind of unfair of the crotchety old coot. What about Bobby or Gary? The two yokels look relieved and say they just wanted to make sure Jock didn't change anything in his will. It remains unclear why any of this is their business, or why JR thought his father's will is any of their business.

Hospital. The doctor tells Miss Ellie that Jock has a blockage in his artery and needs a bypass graft. He assures her he's a tough man, and that if the surgery is successful, he'll be able to lead a normal life.

Miss Ellie tells Jock the surgery is routine...but he gruffly says if he dies, he won't be able to blame anyone but himself. Well...with all the drinking and cigarette smoking we've seen you do thus far in the series, no fucking duh, Jock. 

Miss Ellie heads over to the waiting room to let everyone know that Jock is in surgery. She then says she'd rather wait alone, and urges them to go home until the doctors finish operating. After everyone leaves, Miss Ellie sits alone and stares into space looking tearfully worried.

Bobby strolls down the street with Pam and recalls memories of his childhood, and all the special things the old coot has done for him. Pam remarks on the very special relationship he and his father have...and then Bobby starts bitching about how JR is up to something shady, which is probably why he's being excluded from meetings with Willie Joe and Jeb, who he refers to as sharks.

Willy Joe and Jeb drive JR to the hospital and stroke his ego by insisting he'll be bigger than Jock ever was. As JR makes his way inside the hospital, he runs into Bobby, who snarks at him for conducting secretive business with Willie Joe and Jeb, who he accuses of "circling the hospital like vultures".  

Operating room. Jock's heart briefly gives out, but the doctor shocks it with paddles and successfully brings the geezer back to life. Phew.

Post surgery/recovery, the Ewings line up outside the hospital as they wait for their patriarch to be wheeled out. When he makes his appearance, Lucy squeals happily and hugs her grandfather, who then turns toward Bobby and asks him if he's quitting Ewing Oil. Bobby says he's going to focus on the ranch for the foreseeable future, and JR perks up at that tidbit.

And so...to recap: Jock had a heart attack, underwent surgery, and is totally fine now. And that's pretty much all that happened during this pointless hour of television.

Recap: Jenna Wade (played in this pointless standalone episode by the sultry Morgan Fairchild) emerges from a bathroom and hops into the sack with her married lover, Maynard Anderson (hey - it's Andrew Laird from Dynasty!). As the two roll around on the bed together, Maynard coos about how beautiful she is, when suddenly - ack! - Maynard's wife, Melissa, enters the room and glares at them in disgust. Maynard growls, "What are you doing here?" so she informs her philandering husband:

1. She has a telegram for him, summoning him to an important meeting tomorrow in Washington D.C.
2. He has to stop publicly humiliating her with his bimbo mistress

Southfork. Jock is reading the paper while the Ewings are gathered around the breakfast table. He reads aloud an article about the appointment of Maynard Anderson to "an important energy post", then nods approvingly and says in his usual gruff fashion that Anderson is exactly the kind of no-nonsense Ewing puppet they need in that position. Bobby weighs in and says he thinks Anderson is just doing what's good for Anderson. Lucy interjects to cheekily suggest that Ewing Oil should hire Anderson's mistress, Jenna Wade, to be their secretary - and Bobby chides her for being a smart aleck and quickly drops the issue. Pam asks who Jenna Wade is, so Sue Ellen explains that she's a shameless hussy who bounces from man to man...and then the table goes silent. Someone reminds Lucy that she'd better toddle off to school...and when Pam asks again who Jenna Wade is, Bobby avoids answering by telling JR they should probably leave for the office right now. On his way out, JR gets a call from Maynard Anderson, who whines about how his wife is threatening to sabotage his new appointment as Energy Whatever and needs his help keeping Jenna away from him. JR jots down Jenna's phone number and tells him not to worry, then smirks evilly.

JR is on a pay phone downtown, telling Jenna that of course Bobby would be delighted to see her again. He tells her to come by his office in about an hour so he can orchestrate a seemingly random bump-into between her and Bobby.

Pam tells Miss Ellie she's off to meet Bobby for lunch and says she now gets why Sue Ellen keeps so busy with her luncheons: there's not a whole heckuva lot to do on the ranch once breakfast is over. She brings up Jenna Wade again and says she gets the feeling she's a "delicate topic", so Miss Ellie spills the beans about how Jenna and her father were friends of the Ewings for years...and that Bobby and Jenna were an item. Jock suddenly appears out of nowhere and gruffly adds, "For awhile, everyone thought they'd get married!" and when Miss Ellie shoots him the stink-eye, he concedes that that was a long time ago. Pam shakes it off and says she can't let herself worry about Bobby's old girlfriends, then ambles off. Miss Ellie chides Jock for his lack of subtlety - but he just shrugs and says he always liked the idea of Bobby marrying Jenna. Miss Ellie defends Pam by saying she's a lovely girl, and Jock says he likes that Jenna isn't Digger Barnes' daughter. Not sure why this still matters to anyone.

When Bobby and JR return downtown after an off-site meeting, they notice a blonde woman waving from the sun roof of her car, yelling, "Yoo hoo! Bobby!" JR pretends to wonder who on earth that could be, then heads inside the Ewing Oil building, leaving Bobby to wander over to Jenna. She asks him if she can have a kiss...so he kisses her on the cheek, which she disappointingly refers to as "brotherly". He asks her whassup, so she tells him she's in trouble and needs his advice...and Bobby's like, "Scoot over", then gets into her car and drives over to a nearby park. As the two stroll along a walking path, Jenna whines about how she just got kicked to the curb by Maynard Anderson...and when Bobby asks her why the hell she'd get involved with a married man in the first place (right?!), she haplessly shrugs and give him a dumb non-answer: "He was there." She blames Bobby for introducing her to the good life, then taking it away from her...but then admits to being "wild" when she ditched him to run off with another man. Since she couldn't very well come crawling back to Bobby, she eventually hooked up with Maynard Anderson, who was good to her and her daughter Charlie. Bobby asks, "If he was so good to you, why do you only have $200 in your pocket and nowhere to live?" (hee!) and Jenna gets angry and tries to whirl away, but Bobby grabs her arm and tells her she should have come to him. He then asks about her condo and says it must be worth something, but Jenna says it was paid for with corporate funds, so she had to give it back or risk Melissa Anderson sabotaging her husband's appointment. Bobby tells her to find an apartment and a job, and that he'll float her enough cash until she can sort out her hot mess of a life. Jenna says it's probably time she learned how to stand on her own two feet [well d'yuh, you're a grown ass woman] and promises to do her best. She then leans in for a smooch, and when she and Bobby unlock their lips, they stare at each other longingly.

Ewing Oil. JR pretends to want to meet with Bobby  to discuss something oil-related when Jenna calls to inform Bobby that she found an apartment...and since he's paying for it, she needs him to come over and sign the lease, like pronto. Bobby jots down the address and tells JR he has to run an errand, and JR says he's A-OK with that and grins devilishly.

Bobby hops into a cab and rides off just as Pam arrives downtown in her fancy red Mercedes. The secretary informs her that Bobby just left...and then JR appears and tries to sound super casual as he says, "He ran off to sign papers...something about an apartment for Jenna Wade." Pam remarks that the woman's name seems to be coming up a lot in this episode, but JR says she shouldn't read too much into that, and that she and Bobby have been over for years. Pam sarcastically asks him if he's trying to comfort her, then turns and heads out.
​
Southfork. The family is delaying dinner for Bobby, who hasn't been seen since he rushed out of the office to sign Jenna's lease. JR needlessly announces to everyone that Anderson's affair with Jenna is over 'cause it's pretty hard to keep a mistress and hold public office. As Pam shoots him the stink-eye, Miss Ellie remarks that Jenna always seems to cause trouble every time she turns up, and Sue Ellen concurs and says she broke her daddy's heart when she got herself knocked up out of wedlock. A few seconds later, Bobby calls the ranch to tell Pam where he's been all day, and she's like, "I know. I found out at the office" and orders him to get home immediately. She then informs the family that Bobby has been unavoidably delayed and that they can go ahead and have dinner without him.

The next day, Pam is swimming in the Southfork pool when Bobby comes over and says she didn't wake up when he returned home at midnight. Pam asks him what took him so long at Jenna's, and he says he had to stick around and help move all her stuff into her new place. He says they used to be friends when they were kids, and that he used to be in love with her - and Pam looks hopeful as she repeats, "Used to be..?" Bobby leans in for a kiss just as the phone rings - and, naturally, it's Jenna. She tells Bobby she needs to confer with him about her latest dilemma: Melissa Anderson is trying to run her out of town. Pam perks up when she hears that tidbit, but Bobby argues that Jenna shouldn't have to leave her hometown. He agrees to meet Jenna at noon...and when Pam scrunches her face in irritation, Bobby invites her to come along.

Bobby and Pam pull up in front of a school playground, and it looks like it's where Jenna's daughter goes to school. Pam greets her with a cold hello and icily says she's been wanting to meet her, and Jenna awkwardly says she's been curious about her too. She then starts yammering to Bobby about how Melissa Anderson found out where she's living and wants her gone 'cause she thinks she's too much of a temptation for her adulterous husband. She whines that she doesn't want to leave Dallas 'cause it's home for her and Charlie - cue Charlie, who comes running over to showcase her adorableness to Pam and Bobby. Pam greets her politely and asks if she can see her doll, and Charlie hands it over, then promptly forgets about it and scampers off. Jenna tells Bobby she's worried that Melissa Anderson could slam doors in her face, and Bobby assures her, "If that happens, I'll open the doors." Needless to say, Pam looks less than thrilled to hear that.

JR lunches with Maynard Anderson to further discuss The Jenna Situation. Anderson complains that his wife is on his case about ordering Jenna to leave Texas. JR gleefully tells him that Bobby and Jenna are getting along great, and mentions that the day Bobby had rushed off to help with her apartment, he didn't return home until dawn. Anderson scowls with jealousy and moans about how much he looooved Jenna, and JR rolls his eyes and chides him for sounding like a love-sick school boy who's allowing his mistress to ruin his political career. When Jock arrives to join them for lunch, he remarks to a mortified Anderson that it looks like Jenna has him "on the end of a string". He gruffly adds, "In my day, we handled our women a little bit different." Ick, Jock.

Jenna's place. Charlie is distraught because her favorite doll is MIA (after Pam stole it), and Jenna promises her they'll find it, then tells her to stay off camera until the thing turns up. JR drops by unannounced to check out her new digs and helps himself to a drink. He laments what a shame it is that she and Bobby never got married, then leers at her and creepily remarks, "It would have been nice, having you within reach." Ew..? Jenna reminds him that she and Bobby have been over for a long time, but JR insists that Bobby never really got over her. Jenna says he seems pretty happy to her...and JR pretends to agree that Pam is a fine woman and all, but suggests there's trouble in the marriage because of Pam's need to transform Bobby from a boring single guy into a boring married guy. Jenna chuckles and accuses JR of using her to break them up, and JR laughs and says, "If we both profit, so much the better." He reminds her that she holds "the high card", meaning that she's the mother of Bobby's child. Jenna just stares back at him mutely, not denying or confirming that what he just said is true...leaving viewers guessing about the boring mystery of Charlie's paternity.

Bobby meets up with Jenna in the park for an impromptu picnic. She tells him that Charlie has been distraught about losing her favorite doll, then wonders aloud if she should take her daughter and leave Dallas. She tells Bobby that the way he looks at Charlie makes her realize she hasn't been fair to her daughter (not sure what that's supposed to mean) so Bobby reminds her that he asked her a long time ago if Charlie was his spawn - but she never gave him a straight answer. And speaking of continuing to not give him a straight answer, Jenna avoids the question altogether and asks him if he loves her. Bobby says he used to love her and used to want to marry her - up until she ran off with someone else. She explains that she wanted someone more exciting than a dullard oilman/rancher, and figured he'd still be around whenever she was ready to settle down. Bobby gets irked and says he'd rather not rehash all this for the umpteenth time, and Jenna gets angry and storms off. 

Pam once again finds herself alone in bed, so she goes down to the kitchen, where she finds Bobby guzzling beer. She tells him they should talk about whatever's been going on with him, but Bobby doesn't know what to say and assures her they'll somehow work it all out before the end credits start rolling. Pam says she's very worried about all the time he's spending bonding with Jenna, then throws in the towel and heads back upstairs. Bobby stares into space until he spots Charlie's missing doll on the kitchen counter, and then stares down at it for several long seconds.

The next day, Bobby drops by Jenna's apartment to return Charlie's doll. Jenna thanks him and asks him if he could give her a lift downtown 'cause she has to buy some stuff for Charlie. Bobby chirps, "Sure!" and asks her if she has enough [of his] money [in her purse] and she assures him she has adequate funds.

Downtown. Pam is lunching with Cliff, who announces he's running for State Senate and could use her help with the campaign. Pam agrees that she could use some time away from the boring ranch and tells Cliff she's very proud of him.

After lunch, Cliff heads back to work...and on the way he bumps into Bobby and Jenna, who look like they're have a delightful time shopping together. Cliff shoots Bobby a perplexed stink-eye and tells him he missed him at lunch. Bobby just stares back at him in mute horror, so Cliff introduces himself to Jenna as Bobby's brother-in-law, then specifies, "I'm Pam's brother." Bobby tries to pretend that nothing is amiss and asks him how Digger's doing, and Cliff just shrugs and says the old man is still pickling his organs with a regular supply of booze. He then glares at Bobby and snidely tells him he's getting to be more like JR every day, then wishes them both a fun day shopping.

Bobby drops by Jenna's apartment once again and tells her he needs a stiff drink while they finish their unfinished business. He asks her again if Charlie is his daughter, and Jenna's like, "Excuse me while I go blow-dry my hair" (LOL) and rushes over to the bathroom. Bobby, meanwhile, ambles down the hall to peek in on Charlie, who's fast asleep, cuddling her doll.

Jock is in the kitchen at Southfork, smoking a cigarette and reading the paper. When JR enters the room, Jock gruffly asks him if he has anything to do with the tension between Pam and Bobby. JR tries his best to look innocently perplexed by the question and assures his father he is in no way involved. He then mentions that Cliff Barnes is running for State Senate, and Jock says they'll deal with that problem when the time comes, and orders him to leave Pam and Bobby alone. 

Bobby pours himself another drink as he waits for Jenna to finish blow-drying her hair. She finally emerges from the bathroom in a negligee and lavender robe...and a few seconds later Pam arrives to find out where everyone stands with this boring-as-fuck love triangle. Pam lays her cards on the table and declares her love for Bobby, then asks Jenna what she wants. Jenna comes right out and says that Bobby would make an awesome husband and father for Charlie - and Pam tells her she'd much prefer it if she could get that with someone else. She then asks Jenna if Bobby is Charlie's father, and when Jenna once again refuses to answer, Pam's like, "Stop avoiding answering the fucking question: IS BOBBY CHARLIE'S FATHER OR NOT??!!! [Yeah sure, some of that frustration was me, projecting.] Jenna drops her eyes and admits that nope, Bobby isn't her daughter's father...and Pam looks relieved and says, "Well, that makes things more simple." Bobby grabs his coat and abruptly leaves, and Pam stares quizzically at Jenna and asks her why she didn't lie. Jenna says that while she has no problem jumping into bed with any married man who's willing to be her sugar daddy, she somehow can't bring herself to tell a lie. She adds, "Even JR knows that." Pam's all, "Wha-a? JR?" so Jenna tells her that JR called her 'cause he knew Bobby wouldn't be able to resist helping her through her current crisis. She then shows Pam Bobby's goodbye present: a signed lease and a check that covers a year's worth of rent. She says, "I hope you don't mind" and Pam says she does, actually, but that she'll have to get over it.

After Pam flees Jenna's apartment, she finds Bobby outside, waiting for her. She tells him again she loves him and doesn't want to lose him, and he assures her she won't and that even though his behavior during this entire episode demonstrates otherwise, he loooooves her more than anything in the whole entire world. Pam smiles with relief and says, "I needed to hear that!" and the two hug, kiss, canoodle, and head back to Southfork. End credits: you may now roll.

Recap: Pam arrives at the "drunk ward" of the hospital and finds her Aunt Maggie (Digger's sister) sitting in the waiting room. Aunt Maggie gives her a hug and warns her that Digger's not a pretty sight, and Pam's like, "Shocker" and wryly reminds her she's been through his benders before and knows exactly what to expect. The two enter Digger's hospital room, where he's sweating buckets and shaking uncontrollably. Aunt Maggie tells Pam he's almost out of the woods, and Pam stares down at the hopeless boozer, gently touches his hand, and whispers, "I'm sorry."

Gary, Lucy, and Valene arrive in Dallas...but before they approach the gates of Southfork, Valene asks Gary to stop the truck so they can stare out at the ranch and psych themselves up for whatever mental torture JR has in store. Valene says she's not looking forward to seeing JR or Jock again - but Gary assures her that Jock has mellowed substantially in recent years, and JR isn't the spiteful douchebag he once was. Lucy concurs and points out that JR hardly ever torments Pam anymore - but Valene says that's probably 'cause being married to Bobby offers her a measure of insulation. Gary looks suitably sheepish and tells Valene he regrets the dickish way he abandoned her at Southfork all those years ago and didn't know that JR and Jock would run her out of town and then hunt her down across state lines to kidnap Lucy and bring her back to Southfork (which, as no one has pointed out, was a fucking felony). Valene shudders at the memory and recalls that she believed she would have been killed if she ever returned to Texas to try to get her daughter back. Eventually, she became resigned to the fact that Miss Ellie was going to be the one to raise Lucy, and figured the woman would do a decent enough job. Sort of. Valene and Gary stare doe-eyed at each other as they both announce that they never remarried...and a few minutes later, the three climb back into the truck and enter the gates of Southfork. 

The Ewing clan (minus Pam) emerges from the house to politely greet Gary and his brood. Valene asks Bobby if his wife is around, and he tells her her father is sick, but that she'll be back later. JR magnanimously says he'd like to "bury the hatchet" and Valene doesn't look like she really buys that, but nods and mumbles, "Sure." Jock gruffly urges everyone to go inside to enjoy a feast around the family dining table.

Hospital. Pam tells Aunt Maggie she can't wait for Digger to be released from the drunk ward so she can take care of him at home. Maggie says she'll take him home only after he's completely sobered up, then urges Pam to stay away until Digger has fully overcome his drinking problem. Good luck with that, Maggie.

As Gary leans against a fence and gazes across his family's ranch, Ray cruises over in his blue truck. The two men greet each other warmly and quickly get caught up on each others' lives...though I notice that Ray left out the part about his icky romps with Gary's teenage daughter in the hayloft. Gary remarks how much he loves the ranch, but not so much the oil business. Ray says he too loves the ranch and that between himself and Jock, the property is extremely well cared for. He then throws Gary a bone by halfheartedly declaring, "The ranch could always use another good man" and quickly gets back into his truck and drives off. LOL.

Lucy and Valene amble over to where Gary's standing. Lucy gushes to her estranged parents about how obvious it is that they still carry a torch for each other, and asks them about their plans for the future. [A spin-off called Knot's Landing...but you're not invited, Lucy.] Valene says they hardly know each other anymore, and a hopeful Lucy retorts, "We could." Gary grumbles about how there's nothing for him to do on the ranch, particularly now that Ray is installed as foreman (or whatever his job title is). Lucy breezily says that Ray could easily be let go, but Gary doesn't like the sound of that. JR drives over to say hey and to offer a business proposition for Gary: he wants him to take over the reigns of a "jewel of a company" named Q&R. Gary looks intrigued, then reminds JR he doesn't know nothing from nothing about business and prefers ranching. JR dismissively says that Ray already has that task well in hand, and insists that where his smarts are needed are at the helm of Q&R. LOL. Gary says he needs to think about it and thanks JR for the opportunity. Lucy tells JR she wants to ride back to the house with him so that her parents can enjoy some alone time together. After Lucy and JR leave, Valene warns Gary that JR's business proposition is nothing more than a mindfuck, and implores him to go with her to California...and that they could maybe/possibly/if they have time come back later to retrieve Lucy. Gary scrunches his face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a?!"

Pam returns to Southfork and tearfully tells Bobby that Aunt Maggie recommended she stay far away from Digger until he fully dries out. Sounds like a plan I could definitely get on board with. Lucy rushes over and urges Pam to come meet her skanky mama, and Pam politely greets Valene and apologizes for not being around earlier...and explains that she was visiting her sick father. Lucy excitedly tells Pam and Bobby that JR made Gary an offer to run a small business - but Bobby looks skeptical and is all, "Wha-a?" Pam is too distracted to focus on Gary's dead-end future as a businessman and politely excuses herself and tells Bobby she's off to her aunt's house to forcibly check on Digger.

JR orders Gary to get his ass in the study and read through a mound of paperwork about Q&R. Valene looks less than thrilled by the edict, so Bobby quietly assures her he'll keep tabs on the situation to ensure that JR doesn't do anything to take advantage of Gary's dimwittedness.

JR hands Gary a pile of file folders and tells him it would be a good idea to read everything over carefully...and Gary earnestly opens the folders and begins reading, but already starts to look overwhelmed.  

Aunt Maggie is dismayed when Pam arrives at her house, and irritably tells her defiant niece that Digger is asleep. Pam tells her she brought magazines and puzzles to keep Digger busy while he recuperates - but Aunt Maggie sternly reiterates that Digger has no interest in seeing her. She tells her that the barbecue episode made everything worse, especially when Jock humiliated him in front of everyone. She urges Pam to leave, but Pam refuses and stomps over to the bedroom where Digger is lying in bed, sweatily twitching in his dirty wife-beater shirt. Yeesh...he looks more orgre-ish every time he's on camera. Pam apologizes to Digger for making him attend the barbecue...where, apparently, she forced liters of booze down his throat and then made him dance in front of everyone like a buffoon. She tells Digger she really looooves Bobby, but Digger just grunts at her, and then rails about how Jock was "doin' it to me again" while she just stood by and watched. He shoves her away from him and bellows, "Get out!" and a tearful Pam flees the room.

Gary is still in the study, looking like he's unable to make heads or tails of the paperwork in front of him. Bobby pops by and suggests he take a break so they can go horseback riding together...and Gary perks up at that, and the two start faking boxing with each other. When JR enters the room, Bobby chides him for burying Gary under so many files, but JR says he's eager to set Gary up in his fancy new job at Q&R, then makes a crack about all the catching up he needs to do if he's going to win the respect of his daughter. A deflated looking Gary rethinks the horseback ride and glumly tells Bobby he'd better get back to work.

In the kitchen, Miss Ellie assures Valene that everything is going to work out just fine, and Valene thanks her for taking such good care of Lucy. Miss Ellie tells her it's time she took charge of the spoiled nymphet, but Valene says she doesn't yet know if she'll be sticking around...or, for that matter, if Gary should stay. Miss Ellie tells her she'll see to it that nothing bad happens, and Valene replies, "If you say so, that makes it true." Mmm, no...it actually doesn't, since Miss Ellie appears to have zero clout at Southfork.

Valene runs into Bobby and tells him she's deciding whether to slink off the ranch with her tail tucked between her legs or stay and fight. She wails about the headgames JR is playing with Gary, but Bobby insists that Gary wants to work. Valene reminds him that Gary is not cut out to be a businessman and says he can't take that kind of pressure.

Bobby comes out to the patio looking for Gary, and JR manages to keep a straight face when he tells him he's still in the study, reading through his mountain of files. Bobby asks him what the rush is with this new business, so JR explains that it will give Gary a much needed jump-start in his new life so he can start making money and live happily ever after. Bobby seems to buy that and says he really likes having another brother around...and Sue Ellen narrows her beady eyes and tries not to sound sarcastic when she says, "Can't have too many brothers around now, can you?" Bobby warns JR not to do anything to torment Gary, and JR assures him he's always "on the level".

When Pam returns to Southfork after her disastrous visit with Digger, Jock asks her if the drunkard is OK. She snappishly retorts, "Fit as a fiddle" but Jock ignores her sarcasm and tells her to let him know if there's anything he can do. Pam snaps, "You've done enough already!" and then she and Bobby storm upstairs together.

Jock is ambling outside the house when Digger squeals down the long driveway in his shitty little car. He smashes into a light post (LOL), then slams on the breaks and storms over to Jock, unmistakably drunk. (I guess his drying out period was shorter than what Aunt Maggie was hoping for.) He drunkenly announces that he's here to return all the magazines, puzzles, etc. that Pam brought over earlier, dumps the stuff on the driveway, then accuses Jock for the thousandth time of stealing his money and his sweetheart - shit that went down over forty fucking years ago. Jock asks him what the hell he wants, so Digger says he wants money, namely $10,000, as the bride price (I'm assuming, anyway) for when Pam married Bobby. Jock laughs at the stupidity of the request and pulls a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and throws it at the hapless lush. Digger bends down to pick it up, stares at it gleefully, and chirps, "Sold!" He then gets back into his car, which no one stops him from doing despite the fact that he's completely shitfaced and could so easily maim or kill someone. After he squeals off, Jock heads back inside, while Pam continues to stand on the driveway looking totally mortified.

Pam rails to Bobby that she's fed up with her drunken buffoon of a father and doesn't give a rat's ass about him anymore. Good for you, Pam!

Pam heads downstairs to drop in on Gary, who's still reading over the Q&R files. She apologizes to him about the scene with her father, and Gary (who I don't even think witnessed it) just shrugs and is like, "Whatever" and wails about how he's not cut out for "this business stuff". Miss Ellie drops by with some milk and cookies...and then Lucy bounds in to see how her pop is doing. Gary accidentally spills the glass of milk all over the Q&R files, and the womenfolk immediately come to his aid and start mopping up the mess while firing questions at him about whether or not he has copies of the stuff. A fed up looking Gary bellows, "It's only a glass of milk, damn it! Leave me alone!" and storms out. He heads straight to the bar in the living room and pours himself a drink...and Valene suddenly appears behind him and watches as he stares at his drink, silently willing himself to put it down. She shakes her head in dismay and exits the room, leaving Gary staring into space like a zombie.

Early the next morning, Gary slinks out of the house with a suitcase...while JR watches with delight from his bedroom balcony. Valene runs out of the house after Gary, still in her nightgown. She asks him if he ended up drinking last night, and he tells her he didn't...despite really really wanting to. He says he needs to leave before his ineptitude tears the family apart. Valene asks, "What about Lucy?" and he just kind of shrugs and says he can't be the type of father she needs, and that she's probably better off staying with Miss Ellie...even if it means her hating him forever. Valene reminds him that she probably won't be allowed to hang around Southfork without him there, but he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about that and whines, "I can't stayyyy." Valene sadly tells him she was just about to sneak into his room for a doink...and Gary grins and says, "That would have been nice." He tells her he doesn't belong with his family, blah blah, then urges Valene to hit the road too. The two kiss...and as he strolls away clutching his suitcase, Valene declares, "I never loved nobody the way I loved you" and Gary turns around and grins, says goodbye [as though he's not going to be moving in with her very soon on Knot's Landing], and continues to walk away. What a shitbag.

JR approaches Valene and smarmily says, "You'll catch your death on a morning like this" and she glares at him and snaps, "I'll catch my death anywheres around you." JR chuckles and retorts, "Then don't hang around me, honey." Valene snidely tells him he handled this "perfectly", and he agrees that, yep, he did, and offers to give her $5,000 to get out of his orbit, like pronto. Valene tells him where he can shove his check and insists she can't be bought with Ewing money...even though she (and Gary) will soon move into a house in Knot's Landing that Miss Ellie buys for them.

Miss Ellie is upset that Gary left without saying goodbye, and she tells Jock she just wants to aimlessly roam around Southfork for awhile. He gruffly tells her they all got their hopes up too high, and she nods spacily and wanders off.

Lucy is angry that Gary has, once again, ditched her with her extended Texas family. She asks JR where her mama went, and he's like, "I dunno. Maybe she went looking for Gary." Lucy looks hopeful and says she's sure she'll come back and bring Gary with her.

Pam returns to Aunt Maggie's house, because apparently she didn't get enough verbal abuse from Digger the first time around. When Digger barks, "Get out!" at her again, she tells him she's ashamed of the hopeless drunkard he insists on being...but since he's the only father she has, she can't not love him and for some God-knows-why reason still wants him in her life.

Bobby is upset that Gary split so abruptly, and angrily wonders aloud why it's necessary for a man to be ruthless in order to fit in with this family. He says he likes Gary and his way of looking at things - and JR reminds him that, in one fell swoop, Gary ran out on his child and broke his mother's heart. Bobby insists he was pushed out, and Miss Ellie chimes in and admonishes him for blaming JR. Lucy, meanwhile, has learned that Valene never returned to the Forth Worth diner where she was waitressing and wonders if this means she found Gary and the two are on their way back to Southfork. JR pulls out his checkbook and 'fesses up about the $5,000 that was paid to her skanky mother to leave town...and a crestfallen Lucy is all, "Wha-a?!" and slugs JR across the face. JR looks startled, then makes a joke about how grateful he is that she didn't kill the messenger...even though in this scenario he's not so much the messenger, but the briber.

Recap: The Ewings are enjoying a lazy day by the Southfork pool. Jock is guzzling several mixed drinks while he and Miss Ellie play backgammon...and Pam and Bobby splash around the pool while JR openly ogles Pam's ample hooters. Jock affectionately barks at Pam not to tire herself out too much, and Miss Ellie chides him for being overly concerned and points out that exercise is good for her.

The Ewings discuss tomorrow's cattle auction in Fort Worth, and Miss Ellie gabbles on and on about how she used to always go with her father. She remarks that Gary is the only one of her sons who had any interest in ranching...and everyone exchanges awkward glances at the mention of the family's drunken black sheep. Lucy comes right out and says, "Everything always gets quiet whenever my daddy's name is mentioned. I wonder why that is?" and everyone exchanges a second round of awkward glances. Sue Ellen sashays over to Jock's/Miss Ellie's table and tells her father-in-law that JR would loooove to go to the cattle auction with him, and says that even though Ewing Oil takes up a lot of his time, he's actually very interested in cows. Sue Ellen then walks back over to where JR's lounging and smugly tells him that Jock is delighted that he'll be accompanying him to the cattle auction tomorrow. JR looks less than thrilled, and takes her aside so they can't be overheard and complains that he has no desire to hang around a bunch of cows all day. Sue Ellen says she thought he'd appreciate a chance to suck up to Jock for a large block of time, and declares that Bobby is slowly chipping away at his status as Jock's favored son. She reminds him that Bobby is now working at the family company, and that Jock and Miss Ellie have accepted Pam and no longer allow JR to mock her - even jokingly. JR insists that that's just temporary - but Sue Ellen insists he's losing his grip, and that if he's not going to do something about it, she will. JR glares at her and orders her to stop dictating to him how to run his life and business. He tells her that Ewing Oil is bigger and better than it's ever been because of him...and that under his fake mentoring, Bobby is unwittingly spending most of his days performing useless tasks and running stupid errands. He sternly tells her that if she wants to keep her cushy life as Mrs. JR Ewing, she needs to shut her pie-hole, stop challenging him, and get back in line.

Bobby informs Pam that he has to travel to Las Vegas for an oilman's convention and wants her to join him. She lets out a happy woot! and the two hug.

After the commercial break, Bobby and Pam arrive at a big convention hall in Las Vegas. Bobby quickly gets mobbed by friends and acquaintances, and Pam tries hard not to look overwhelmed. Across the lobby, one of the hotel's manservants [spoiler: Gary] stares over at Bobby...but Bobby is too busy working the crowd to notice the presence of his estranged brother. 

Forth Worth. Lucy, who has accompanied Jock, JR and Ray to the cattle auction, tells the menfolk she wants to go off and do some shopping, and Jock hands her a wad of cash and orders Ray to chaperone her. Once they're out of earshot, Lucy tells Ray to beat it...and when he refuses, she threatens to tell her grandfather that he's been forcibly doinking her in the hayloft. Jimmy suddenly pulls up in his red car, and Lucy tells Ray she'll be back in an hour...and that this rendezvous is not what he's thinking it is - but then says she really doesn't give a rat's ass what he thinks about it. Ray warns her that Jock wouldn't approve of her taking up with Digger's nephew, so she sassily tells him to make sure he never finds out...and then she and Jimmy drive off.

Lucy and Jimmy arrive at a shitty looking diner, where her mother Valene is working. They enter the diner, say hey to Valene, and Jimmy sits at the counter and orders a hamburger so the womenfolk can spend some quality mother-daughter time together.

Las Vegas. Bobby is wrapping up a party that he hosted in his hotel room, and soon after the last guest leaves, there's a knock on the door. Gary (who's being played by actor David Ackroyd until the much yummier Ted Shackelford was cast in the Knots Landing role) bustles into the room - and before Bobby can get a good look at his face, he mutters about how he needs to get the room cleaned up. Bobby asks him to come back tomorrow - then finally gets a good look at his face and incredulously goes, "Gary..?!", and pulls him into a manly hug.

Valene and Lucy are strolling through a nearby park, getting caught up on each others' lives. Lucy asks her mom to tell her the story of how she and Gary met so that viewers can hear the backstory, so Valene gives us a condensed version of events. Gary became instantly smitten when she waited on him in whatever hillbilly truck stop diner she was working in the time. The enjoyed some "good flirtin'", he'd walk her home after her shifts, made her feel like a lady, and quickly proposed. The shit, however, hit the fan when he took her to Southfork to introduce her to his family. They made it clear that they did not approve of him marrying a skanky waitress, and Gary wasn't strong enough to stand up to them...and by them, she mostly means JR. Lucy narrows her eyes and declares a burning new hatred for her uncle.

Gary tells Bobby and Pam that when he hit rock bottom he had amassed a gambling debt of around $50,000, was a hopeless alcoholic, and homeless. Damn, he's one hot mess. He blacked out one night...and when he finally regained consciousness two weeks later, he discovered he'd been badly beaten. He somehow ended up in Las Vegas, where he was able to lick alcoholism and his gambling addiction by getting a job as a bartender and blackjack dealer. Interesting approach. This brings us to today, when he saw Bobby's name on the hotel's junket list. He says he wouldn't have minded also seeing Jock's name - but definitely not JR's. Pam chuckles and says they have something in common, and Bobby's like, "Ah, come on. JR's not that bad", which prompts Pam and Gary to burst out laughing. 

Lucy tells Valene they should get a place together, but Valene fearfully shakes her head and says that if JR even knew they were talkin', he'd run her "clean out of Texas". She tells Lucy that for now they'd better keep their visits on the down-low. Lucy says that she and Jimmy need to get going, but promises to return soon.

Bobby gives Gary an update on Lucy and refers to her as "a sweet kid" - but Pam derisively snorts and argues that she's less a sweet kid than a spoiled rotten wildcat with a nasty temper. Gary grins and says he likes the sound of that, and Pam concurs and says she really does like the munchkin-nymphet. Bobby tells Gary he wants to tell Miss Ellie that her long lost son is coming home and then rushes over to the phone - but Gary grabs the receiver and says he has no desire to ever go back home, mostly 'cause he doesn't want to tangle with JR. A disappointed Bobby urges him to think it over, then reminds him that they're all meeting up for dinner later. After Gary leaves to go back to work, Bobby tells Pam that Gary was always Miss Ellie's favorite - but Pam solemnly reminds him how cunty his family can be, and cautions him about being too optimistic about a happy family reunion.

Pam arrives at the restaurant, where Gary is already seated, and tells him that Bobby got momentarily delayed. Gary gabbles to her about how much he misses his momma - and Lucy, of course - then complains about feeling like an outside among the Ewings. Pam tells him she can totally relate, and urges him to lean on her as a fellow outsider if he ever needs to. Bobby arrives at the table and happily announces that he just bought three plane tickets to Dallas.

Southfork. Miss Ellie runs out of the house shrieking, "He's coming home!" and Jock's all, "Wuh?" so she tells him that Bobby and Pam ran into Gary in Las Vegas... and, yadda yadda yadda...they're all flying in from Vegas together. JR and Sue Ellen exchange troubled expressions, then pretend to look thrilled with the news. Miss Ellie wants everyone to be home when Gary arrives, so she orders JR to take the day off work and forbids Sue Ellen to go into town. She then bitches at Jock to leave the past behind and reminds him that Gary is still his son and that he should avoid "putting up walls". Jock glares at her and snaps, "What kind of a man do you think I am?" and gruffly assures her that his intention is to tear walls down, not put them up. After he stalks off in his usual grizzled, pissed off manner, Sue Ellen jokes to JR that he's going to have to get another office at Ewing Oil ready - but JR smirkingly says, "I don't think that will be necessary."

JR goes inside and heads straight to the bar and pours himself a drink. Sue Ellen trails after him and asks him why he thinks Gary is coming back, and JR says maybe it's to see Lucy...then starts ranting about what a weak, inept pussy his younger brother is. He recalls how he tried to "help" him by getting his marriage to "that trashy girl" annulled...and when the pressure got to him, he ran out and abandoned Valene and Lucy. He calls Gary a loser and gleefully predicts, "He'll mess up this visit without any help from me."  

Over in the stables, Lucy tells Ray she wants to re-open their "closed book" and tries to seduce him. Gaaa!! I thought the writers did away with this incestuous wretchedness from Season 1. Ray's like, "What about Jimmy?" and Lucy makes a face and derisively calls him "just a kid". She then grabs Ray and forcibly kisses him, but he pushes her away and says, "I don't want no more of this. Not now or ever." Amen to that.

Bobby, Pam, and Gary arrive at Southfork...and Lucy hears the car pull up and peeks through the stable window. Miss Ellie comes running out of the house, pauses for a moment to stare at her estranged son, then rushes into his arms. Jock, who's too gruff and manly for any sissy hugging, ambles over and shakes Gary's hand. Over in the stables, Lucy grabs a pair of binoculars from Ray and asks who the strange man is, and Ray says he knows who that is, but - for some dumb reason - doesn't want to say. Lucy finally gets a clue and rushes toward the house and stands in front of Gary and stares at him. He awkwardly says, "Hello. It's good to see you" and she's tells him it's good to see him, and the two touch hands and gaze into each others' eyes.

Later, Bobby is regaling everyone with the story of how he and Gary crossed paths in the Vegas hotel - but Jock interjects and orders Bobby to stop babbling nonsense so they can "clean the damn room of baggage". LOL. He turns toward Gary and barks, "Stand eyeball to eyeball and get it over with all at once" ...and the scene promptly fades out, so I'll assume that the baggage got cleaned off camera.

Later that night, Gary tiptoes into the kitchen to get himself a glass of milk. Bobby hears him and joins him, and the two sit at the kitchen table together and talk about old times. After a few minutes, Miss Ellie appears and reminisces along with them. She tells Gary she's missed him so much, and that she'd really really like it if he came back to Southfork for good.

The next morning, Lucy tells Gary she'd really really like it if he took a drive with her to Fort Worth, and he's like, "Er...OK" and the two hop into Ray's blue truck and drive off. In the next scene, they arrive at the shitty diner where Valene works, and she looks shocked to see her husband/ex-husband (dunno if they actually got divorced). Lucy giddily says, "It's him, mama. He's still pretty" (though not nearly as pretty as Ted Shackelford) and Valene starts twitching and looks overcome with emotion.

Pam gets a phone call from someone who tells her that Digger's in the hospital after being found half-dead (and fully drunk) in the street. Bobby offers to go with her, but she says Digger will probably wig out if she shows up with a Ewing son, then rushes off.

Gary and Lucy ask Valene to return to Southfork with them, but Valene is too afraid of what JR might do. Gary assures her he's mellowed out (though not really), and that Miss Ellie and Jock do a good job keeping him in line. She gives in when Lucy begs her, and Gary happily declares the matter settled and says he's going to call home and alert everyone that the three of them are on their way.

Southfork. Miss Ellie asks Sue Ellen where Gary and Lucy went, and Sue Ellen tells her they went out somewhere for a drive. Bobby tells the family that Digger Barnes is in the hospital's drunk ward...and when Jock lets out a mocking sneer, Bobby admonishes him for the deplorable way he treated the hapless lush during the barbecue. Jock snaps, "That's enough!" Miss Ellie, meanwhile, gets a phone call from Gary, and passes along the news that Gary and Lucy are with Valene, and that all three are planning to come to Southfork. JR grumbles that he ordered Valene never to set foot in Texas again, and Miss Ellie tells him to shut it and insists she wants her family together. A put out looking Sue Ellen remarks that she thought Gary's reappearance was just a visit, but Miss Ellie firmly says, "Not anymore." JR reminds everyone what a tramp Valene is - and Bobby tells him to lay off and says if Gary wants her here, then she has every right to be here.

JR calls somebody named Tom and orders him to reactivate a company named Q&R, which he was planning to liquidate. He tells Tom to rework the books so it looks like a successful company, and Tom sounds aghast and calls the company "a loser"...and JR chuckles and replies, "I have just the loser to run it."

Recap: Bobby's enjoying  an early morning jog on the grounds of Southfork the morning before the annual Ewing barbecue. When he returns to the house, everyone's bustling around setting up the tables and preparing for the big feast. He chides his daddy about the barbecue being a reunion for him...and when Jock's all, "Wha-a?", Bobby explains that Digger Barnes will be in attendance. Jock grumbles, "Willard Digger Barnes.." and asks him why that deadbeat lush is coming. Bobby reminds him that he's Pam's father and his father-in-law and therefore needs to be included in family gatherings. Bobby says that maybe this barbecue will be an opportunity for them to bury the hatchet, then jogs toward the house while Jock makes a blech face and mutters, "My house...my barbecue...Digger Barnes!" 

Pam is helping Digger get dressed up for the barbecue - but he doesn't look at all thrilled to be attending. Digger natters to Pam, Cliff, and his nephew Jimmy about how Jock swindled him and stole his sweetheart. (Let it go, Digger. It happened over forty fucking years ago.) He reminisces, "She was a sweet little thing, Ellie was" and she had "a way" about her: "sweet one minute, then would come after you with a shotgun the next". Yikes. She sounds bipolar. Cliff asks his dad why he's putting himself through this aggravation by going to the shindig, and Digger says, "Because Pam asked me." Pam smiles and gives him a grateful squeeze, then heads out after telling Digger and Jimmy that she'll see them both at the ranch in a couple of hours. 

Pam returns to Southfork and greets Sue Ellen, who's setting up the tables. Sue Ellen barks at Pam to move her car so the florist will have somewhere to park, and instead of telling Sue Ellen where she can shove her snarky bitchitude, Pam tosses her keys to Lucy, who's more than happy to re-park the car. Lucy gabbles to Pam about how excited she is that her hot cousin Jimmy is going to be at the barbecue. Apparently, Bobby hinted that they might like each other. Pam groans and tells her that Jimmy is way too immature, even for a shallow nitwit like her.

Pam heads up to her room and finds Bobby showering in the bathroom. She phones up her doctor for her test results, and he tells her she's definitely pregnant. She looks stunned, then thrilled, and tells him how wonderful the news is and hangs up. She wanders over to the mirror to check out her non-existent tummy bulge...and when Bobby emerges from the shower, she tells him she learned a riddle today, but doesn't yet know the answer. When he just stares back at her blankly, she says there are only two possible answers, then lays out the riddle: "What do you get when you cross a Barnes with a Ewing?" Bobby quips, "You never cross a Ewing" then asks her what the two possible answers are. She excitedly replies, "A boy...or a girl!" and Bobby stares at her open-mouthed, then walks over to where she's sitting and points at her abdomen questioningly. She tearfully smiles and nods, and Bobby exclaims, "Wow!" LOL. The two kiss, exchange I love yous, and share a happy hug.

Party time! Sue Ellen mingles and chats with a senator, who she then introduces to Ray and his dull looking date, Maureen. Bobby and Pam make their grand entrance, and Bobby wastes no time telling everyone within earshot that Pam is preggers. Lucy interrupts JR as he chats with an attractive young woman named Susie, who he refers to as Ewing Oil's "newest little lady". When JR wanders off to mingle with more important guests, Susie remarks to Lucy that JR hired her, ands Lucy chuckles, "Oh JR...he never misses a trick" - then gets bored with the conversation and wanders off,  leaving Susie staring after her in puzzlement.

Miss Ellie sees Digger and Jimmy arrive, and politely welcomes them to Southfork. Digger gazes at her dreamily and tells her she looks as awesome as always, then introduces her to Jimmy...and then Pam comes by and offers to introduce Jimmy around so that Miss Ellie and Digger can have some alone time. One of the servers congratulates Bobby on his and Pam's baby news, but urges him to tell his parents so they don't accidentally hear it from someone else.

Lucy asks Ray if he heard that Pam's expecting, but he just stares at her blankly...so I guess that's a no. He pretends to be happy about the news, but then orders Maureen to go get them some more drinks so he can mopishly stare into space by himself.

The stress of Digger's presence is causing Jock to drink heavily. He natters to one of the servers that he didn't steal Digger's girl and insists that Digger and Miss Ellie were only ever just friends. 

Bobby tells Jock that he and Pam have some exciting news to share with him, Miss Ellie, and Digger - but Jock just scowls and says he's not thrilled to have to be in the same orbit as Digger. 

Miss Ellie and Digger are reminiscing about their coming of age in the 1930s. She admits she had to marry Jock in order to save her parents' ranch, but has no regrets 'bout that 'cause she and Jock have had a good marriage and produced three fine sons (OK...one's a hopeless drunk, one's a womanizing scamp, but Bobby seems nice). She tells Digger she still thinks about him a lot, but insists she did what she had to do. Plus, who gives a shit anymore because all of this happened forty fucking years ago!!! She then shakes it off and tells him they'd better get back to the barbecue before people start to gossip. 

Lucy blabs about Pam's pregnancy to Sue Ellen, and Sue Ellen pretends to be delighted with the news and walks over to Pam to personally congratulate her and gush about how excitin' it'll be for everybody. She then makes a beeline over to where JR is holding court with a group of guests, pulls him aside and tells him about the baby, and reminds him that there's nothing Jock would like more than a grandson. She bitterly says that because he's shown no interest in ever doinking her again, they're not going to get to be the couple who gives the crusty Ewing patriarch his first grandson. Incidentally, it seems somewhat out of character for JR to not have worked harder in this capacity and created at least one Ewing heir before neglecting his wife in favor of other women. Sue Ellen blurts out, "She is pregnant, JR!" and snaps at him to chew on that for awhile, then storms off.

As Sue Ellen starts drinking heavily, Lucy joins Jimmy at one of the picnic tables...and, as we later find out, Jimmy attempts to win Lucy's heart by acting as though he has half a brain cell. She asks him what he likes to do in his leisure time, and he says shoot pool...and when she coquettishly asks him if he's good at anything else, he grunts, "Nuthin' much." She asks him if he has a girlfriend, and he says he's never given girls that much thought, so Lucy looks alarmed and goes, "You don't like boys, do you?" He enthusiastically replies, "Shore do!" - LOL - and Lucy tries to clarify, "But you don't like them in...that way?" and Jimmy stares at her blankly and asks, "In what way?" Lucy finally throws in the towel and flees the table.

Sue Ellen is sitting at a table filled with elderly women, drunkenly nattering at them about how JR isn't fulfilling her needs in the sack. She waves her wine glass around and complains to the bewildered women about the lack of penetration she's been getting from her husband and says, "I keep myself naace", and explains that she's scarcely gained a pound since winning the Miss Texas pageant. She then babbles about whether or not Jock will love JR less than Bobby if Pam has a boy...then suddenly cackles and says that Jock probably loves JR less to begin with. A few seconds later, she tears up and tells the dumbfounded party guests that what she really wants is for JR to love her more...or at the very least not be totally repulsed by the sight of her. She wonders aloud, "Is that asking for too much?" then starts weeping. That was kind of an awesome spectacle.

Miss Ellie returns to the party with Digger in tow and tells Jock she was giving Digger a tour of the ranch - but Jock just glares daggers at Digger [there's a tongue twister: daggers at Digger], then barks at Bobby to announce his damn news already 'cause he has guests to attend to. Bobby happily announces that his bun is in Pam's oven, and Miss Ellie and Jock instantly light up, shriek happily, and hug each other. Digger, however, looks less than thrilled and quietly asks Pam if she's happy, and she assures him she is DE-lighted. Jock hugs Bobby and growls in his gravelly voice, "I damn sure hope it's a boy" and acknowledges that his overtly sexist comment is probably "out of style". Pam sternly tells Jock that she intends for the baby to have two granddaddies, and Jock looks horrified by the notion of having any familial connection to Digger, and then Jock and Digger are egged on to make nice and shake hands. The two reluctantly shake hands for a couple of seconds, and then Jock gruffly says they need to see to their guests and stalks off with Digger trailing behind him.

Pam asks Jimmy if he’s having a good time, and he laughingly tells her that his "dumb as a post" routine worked like a charm on Lucy. Pam nods approvingly and tells him that Lucy "does not respond to cool", but rather low functioning yokels, 'cause she eagerly offered to give Jimmy a tour of the ranch. Er...OK. I would have pegged Lucy as someone who gets turned on by the quintessential "bad boy", but whatevs, writers.

JR is drinking heavily and looking bummed. Maybe he and Sue Ellen could have drunken sex later.

Jock and Digger head over to the bar together, and Jock orders Digger to stick to soda pop while he pours himself a stiff drink. He pronounces that his grandchild is going to have everything he/she desires, including a pony, but Digger gets irked and accuses Jock of wanting to take control of his unborn grandchild's life - much like the way his daughter now lives in his house. He then blames him for swindling what was his back in the '30s (gaaaaa!!!), so Jock explains that he simply withheld that money to stop him from drinking it away. Pam, Bobby, and Miss Ellie rush over and order them to stop bickering - but Jock ignores them, disdainfully calls Digger a loser, and stomps off. Digger reaches for the nearest bottle, pours himself a drink, and starts guzzling. 

Digger starts drunkenly dancing and singing "She's the sweetest little rosebud that Texas ever kneewww", and everyone gathers around to enjoy the bizarre spectacle.

Bobby runs after Jock and rebukes him for publicly insulting Digger, and Jock barks at him not to lecture him in his own house.

A mortified Pam steers her father away from the dance floor and deposits him at the nearest table. A drunken JR joins Digger, and they both agree on how much they hate the fact that Pam and Bobby are married.

Pam ambles over to the stables and finds Lucy and Jimmy giggling together in the hayloft - but fortunately they're both still fully clothed. Pam asks Jimmy to take Digger home before he starts doing the sideways shuffle, and Jimmy agrees. Lucy offers to go with him...and after the two scamper off, Pam climbs up to the hayloft to decompress.  

Sue Ellen is riding a horse, still very drunk, when Bobby and JR appear at the stables. She jokes about how much she wants what Pam has, then admonishes JR for depriving her of any marital bedroom action. Apropros of nothing, JR invokes Pam's sexual history and snidely calls her "plain trash", and Bobby retorts by punching him in the face. Sue Ellen asks Bobby to take her home, and the two leave while JR rolls around in the dirt, clutching his fat lip.

JR stumbles over to the barn and sees Pam lounging up in the hayloft, and for God-knows-what reason, he climbs up there and crawls over to where she's laying. He natters, "I always go too far" and Pam gasps and looks startled to see him approach and agrees that, yeah, he does go too far. JR leeringly shows her his fat lip, courtesy of Bobby's fist, and Pam says he no doubt deserved it, then informs him that she and Bobby are planning to move away from Southfork. JR looks alarmed and says they can't split up the family, then grabs her hands and implores her to reconsider. A creeped out Pam springs to her feet and backs away...but backs up too far and does an involuntary back flip off of the hayloft, landing face down in a big pile of hay. JR peeks over the hayloft with an oh shit expression on his face.

Later, Bobby breaks the news to his parents that Pam lost the baby. Pam is OK physically, but it's still up in the air as to whether or not she's going to be able to have children in the future. JR, who's lurking nearby, mumbles a drunken apology, but Bobby ignores that and demands to know why he went into the barn to talk to his wife. JR just shrugs helplessly and slurs, "I'm thorry..." just as the doctor appears and tells Bobby he can see Pam now. As he rushes into the house, Jock and Ellie glare at a sheepish JR.

Pam is laying in bed, looking tearful and sad. Bobby rails about how his family caused this and announces that they're going to leave the ranch as soon as she's well enough. Jock suddenly appears in the doorway and admits that he probably shouldn't have publicly humiliated Digger the way he did...and that he believes JR only intended to apologize to Pam. He then directs his attention toward Pam and tells her that the Ewings are a hard family to live with, but that he really really wants to keep his family together and not lose another son. After Jock exits the room, Bobby asks his wife if she thinks what happened was really an accident, and she says yes. He then asks her if she wants to continue living at Southfork, and she says she does, and the two clutch hands.

As JR sits outside and tries to sober up with a cup of coffee, Sue Ellen ambles over to him and asks him if he pushed Pam off the hayloft - and he glares at her and says he did not. She then asks him if he's sorry that Pam lost the baby, but he doesn't answer that question and just stares moodily into space. She doesn't press him further and asks him if he's coming inside, and he mumbles, "In a minute."

​And that's where the writers decided to abruptly end Season 1. Weird.

Recap: On the morning after a wild night in a cheap Waco motel, JR and Ray high-five each other for the satisfying fuckfest they indulged in with two floozies named Wanda and Mary Lou. JR looks over at Wanda, who's still asleep in the bed, then walks across the room, gives her a slap on the shoulder and barks, "You take care now." The two then beat a hasty retreat...and as they hit the road, they cackle about how Waco is "a town of pretty ladies". A few seconds later, two men in a blue truck arrive at the motel - hey, one of them is Brian Dennehy! They storm into the motel room that JR and Ray just vacated...and unfortunately for Wanda, it looks like Brian Dennehy is her husband. He grabs her by the hair, and she's all, "Ack!" when she sees him looming over her, and cries, "It isn't what you think!" and he retorts by backhanding her across the face. The younger, deranged looking guy (whose name is Peyton), drags in Mary Lou from the adjoining room, and she's wrapped in a bed sheet and looks mortified. Brian Dennehy demands to know what unholy carnal acts occurred in this motel room, but both women just mutely stare back at him. Brian Dennehy then notices a business card on the floor, and snatches it up and reads it aloud:  JR Ewing, Southfork, Braddock TX. Uh oh..

Southfork. Sue Ellen brings a tray of food to Miss Ellie, who's in bed recuperating from a migraine. Miss Ellie tells her they need to do more to make Pam feel welcome at Southfork - meaning they have to start thinking of her less as Digger Barnes' daughter than as Bobby's wife. Downstairs, Pam takes a call from Bobby, who's phoning from Ewing Oil to alert her about a possible hurricane headed toward Braddock. She's all, "Wha-a? Hurricane?" and Sue Ellen overhears her and wonders if the bad weather is what's delaying JR and Ray. Lucy arrives home and explains that school closed early because of the storm. Sue Ellen barks at her to gather as many oil lanterns as she can find, then orders Pam to secure all the windows.

Ewing Oil. Bobby wants to head home, but Jock nixes that idea and tells him he made dinner plans with some oil industry bigwigs so he can show him off as the company's new pretty boy executive. He then points out that JR and Ray are due to return home soon and can secure the ranch.

Brian Dennehy and Peyton arrive on the outskirts of Southfork. Brian Dennehy declares, "We're gonna git to JR's woman the way he did to mine" and Peyton cackles, "Sounds like fun!" The two Neanderthals acknowledge that they don't have any kind of coherent plan except to "find out what's there and who's there".

Southfork. The winds have picked up by the time JR and Ray return home. JR gives Sue Ellen a quick hello kiss, and she chides him for not calling while he was away on his "business trip". He mumbles that he was busy [doinking Wanda] the whole time, then says he can't talk about it anymore 'cause, gosh darn it, he's got a ranch to shore up! After he rushes out, there's a knock on the front door, and Sue Ellen answers it and finds Peyton and Brian Dennehy standing on the doorstep, looking exceptionally weird and creepy. They tell her their truck broke down and ask if they can use her phone, and she smiles pleasantly and invites them inside.

Brian Dennehy's on the phone, pretending he's talking to the Auto Club. Lucy appears and immediately looks smitten with Peyton...'cause, yeah, what young girl can resist being charmed by a deranged looking redneck? Brian Dennehy tells Sue Ellen that the Auto Club will probably take a few hours to arrive 'cause the storm has blocked the roads, so she invites him to relax in the living room and enjoy some sandwiches and coffee. Peyton asks Lucy where all the menfolk are, and she stupidly tells him that none of the ranch hands are currently on the property, but that her uncle and foreman are milling around somewhere. Peyton grins maniacally and says he'd never leave such a pretty l'il gal such as herself all alone, and Lucy beams and needlessly reveals that her uncle and the foreman had been gone until about thirty minutes ago, when they returned home from a business trip in Waco. She then shoots Peyton a saucy, flirty look as she flounces out of the room to help Sue Ellen make sandwiches. Peyton cackles while Brian Dennehy grins and says, "The Ewings are gonna git what's comin' to 'em"...and by what's comin' to 'em, he means justice...and by justice, he means boning Sue Ellen. I'm assuming, anyway. Ew.

Ewing Oil. Bobby and the two secretaries are listening to a radio report about the storm. He calls Southfork and talks to JR, who assures him that he and Ray are going to secure everything on the ranch. Bobby offers to come home and help out, but JR advises him to stay put 'cause the roads are really bad.

Brian Dennehy and Peyton offer to help secure the ranch, and they pile into a truck along with JR, Ray, and Lucy and head over to the stables to mount horses so they can corral all the animals that are still wandering around. Useless Ray gets thrown from his horse and hurts his knee, and the rest of the crew loads him onto the back of the truck and high-tails it back to the ranch.

Miss Ellie tells Sue Ellen she's feeling better, then slowly climbs out of bed and ambles around her bedroom. She hears honking and goes over to the window, sees the menfolk return, and remarks to Sue Ellen that it looks like Ray got hurt. Downstairs, Lucy's on the phone with the doctor as Ray is carried into the living room. As everyone tends to him, Peyton suddenly locks the living room door and makes a creepy remark about the Ewing ladies being so purdy. Brian Dennehy creepily concurs and says, "It's going to be a hard choice" then adds that whoever they choose will be a winner. The two then draw their guns, and the Ewing clan is all, "Wha-a?!"

As Brian Dennehy and Peyton wave their guns around, JR offers to give them money, but Brian Dennehy looks indignant and says they're not thieves. Sue Ellen asks them what they want, so Peyton tells her to guess, and Pam wryly asks, "The three of us?" and motions to Sue Ellen, Lucy, and herself. Peyton nods and says, "That could play a part. But it ain't the answer" and Brian Dennehy adds, "We ain't no criminals, lady." Ray snidely grunts, "Right" and this makes Brian Dennehy so angry that he knocks Ray's hat off his head, holds a gun to his head, and sneers, "Don't get wise, cowboy." Peyton finds this amusing and starts laughing like a hyena and leers at Lucy, who's fearfully huddling next to Pam. Brian Dennehy declares, "We've come for justice" and by justice he means the kind that poor dumb folk like he and Peyton them can get: walking into a house and taking it. When the phone suddenly rings, Brian Dennehy orders Pam to answer it. She does, and it's Bobby, calling to check up on her. She tells him that Ray hurt his knee and then sends him a veiled cry for help by adding that she and JR were about to play a game of backgammon. When Brian Dennehy forces her to abruptly end the call, Bobby's all, "Backgammon? JR? Wha-a?!" He scrunches his face in puzzlement for a few seconds, then tells Jock that they need to head home, like pronto, 'cause something at Southfork ain't right.

Peyton asks Ray if he's married, and when he says no, Peyton starts cackling and says, "Then that gives us a choice." Brian Dennehy joins in with the cackling and tells JR that he too is married...and that his wife's name is Wanda. JR and Ray exchange worried glances, and JR denies knowing any Wanda. Peyton says, "Wanda knows you pretty good" and Brian Dennehy explains that when Wanda didn't come home last night, they drove around looking for her and found her, post-coitus, at a cheap motel. Apparently, Wanda claimed off-camera that she and Mary Lou were kidnapped and raped by two men from Braddock. JR continues to pretend as though he has no idea about any Wanda, so Brian Dennehy tells him he found his "calling card" on the floor of the motel room. Peyton directs his attention toward Sue Ellen and says, "Someone's gotta take care of the l'il lady, 'cause he's obviously not" then looms over and starts groping her. JR pretends to be outraged and gets up to defend his wife's honor - but Brian Dennehy hits him over the head and knocks him out. Ray then gets up and tries to wrestle the gun out of his hands, but Brian Dennehy hits his sore leg and he too goes down. Peyton grabs Pam and yanks her off the couch, then gropes her while snarling, "You like it! You love it!" A few seconds later, he plops her back onto the sofa. Suddenly, Miss Ellie comes shuffling into the room, still dressed in her nightie and bathrobe. She grumbles, "Will someone please tell me what's going on down here?" and the two gunmen turn around and stare at her in surprise, then point their guns at her. Peyton warns, "Stay right there, mama."

Bobby and Jock are stuck in traffic, held up because of an accident that occurred on the only road leading to or from Southfork.

JR drags Ray into the kitchen while Peyton keeps his gun trained on them. He orders JR to tie Ray up taat, then directs him to go back into the living room, where "the show's about to begin".

Miss Ellie urges Brian Dennehy  to abandon his ill-conceived plan and leave, like pronto, but he tells her they're not going anywhere until they get what they came for. She reminds him that this is Jock Ewing's house and warns him that his nonsensical vendetta could be very costly - but Brian Dennehy insists on paying Junior back for what he did to his wife. Peyton drags JR back into the living room carrying a framed photograph of Sue Ellen when she was Miss Texas. He remarks that she hasn't changed that much and is "still a fine lookin' woman", then asks her if she still has the bathing suit she wore at the competition. When she snaps, "No", he says he's pretty sure she saved the sash. Brian Dennehy grabs her and drags her out of the room, announcing that they're off to go find it! When Peyton cackles like a hyena again, Pam tells him he can't possibly believe Wanda's rape story. He goes, "Why not?" and she says, "'Cause I don't think you're that dumb" and somehow manages to keep a straight face. Peyton shrugs and says he doesn't actually care about justice; he just wants to have a good time here. He then glares at her menacingly and snarls, "Two for two. Junior's missus...and I get to choose." Lucy abruptly blurts out, "Ray used to go with Pam before she married Bobby." Miss Ellie snaps at her to shut it, while Pam looks momentarily miffed at being thrown to the wolves by the self-preserving munchkin, then admits it's true. In an unpredictable twist, Peyton says that in that case, she's off the hook 'cause she was a poor person (just like them!) before she married a rich guy. He then declares that his choice is Lucy, and Lucy starts freaking out and is all, "Nooooo!!"

When Brian Dennehy and Sue Ellen return, Peyton announces, "Now here's Miss Texas!" He asks her what she did for the talent portion of the beauty pageant, and she tells him she sang. Brian Dennehy announces that it's officially time for the entertainment to begin and orders her to sing - and warns that if she refuses, the two of them will start their own show. Ew. JR tries to get up to half-heartedly protest, but Brian Dennehy points his gun at him and threatens to shoot. He then scrunches his face all sinister-like and declares, "We're gonna do what we came here to do" and once again orders Sue Ellen to start singing. 

Bobby and Jock find the men's blue truck parked just outside Southfork. Inside is a regional map with Braddock clearly marked, along with JR's business card. Sensing that something is seriously amiss, the two men race toward the ranch.

Sue Ellen starts crooning, "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.." and as she's doing that, Brian Dennehy orders her take off her trench coat. She weeps as she removes it, and underneath she's wearing a strapless swimsuit with her Miss Texas sash across it. After sobbing/singing for awhile, Brian Dennehy rips off her sash, and Sue Ellen loses it and sinks to the floor. As Peyton cackles maniacally, Pam gives him the what-for for allowing his cohort to take justice on "this lady" when he knows full well that Wanda wasn't raped. Brian Dennehy is all, "Wuh?" so Pam tattles on Peyton for saying he's pretty sure that Wanda was out looking for a good time when she and Mary Lou stumbled upon JR and Ray. Miss Ellie gets in on that action and suggests to  Brian Dennehy that justice should come from his slutty wife, not JR's. As Brian Dennehy mulls that over, he tears up and mops his sweaty forehead with the Miss Texas sash - LOL - and it suddenly looks as though he regrets launching Operation Revenge Fantasy on the Ewings.

Bobby and Jock finally arrive at the main house and sneak in through a back door.

As Brian Dennehy continues to stare into space looking regretful, Peyton reminds him, "We ain't done here" but Brian Dennehy says they are done and concedes that Wanda is probably a giant 'ho and that this entire episode has been a pointless act of misdirected retribution. Peyton looks irked and snaps, "I ain't got what I came for."

Bobby and Jock find Ray tied up in the kitchen, and Ray fills them in on what's been happening.

Peyton grabs Lucy - and when Pam steps up and offers to be his victim instead, he snarls, "I didn't come for one of my own." He steers a screeching Lucy toward the door just as Bobby and Jock suddenly burst in and subdue the men. As Jock aims his rifle at them, Miss Ellie tells him they're not going to be able to involve "the law" because of the shame that JR and Ray have brought to the family by their extra-marital/curricular doinking, and orders him to let the psychopaths go. Jock just kind of shrugs amiably, then orders the men to get up, get out, and never ever show their faces at Southfork again. As they troop towards the door, Brian Dennehy tells Peyton, "Me and Wanda got some talkin' to do, boy." That you do, Brian Dennehy. That you do.

As Sue Ellen continues to twitch and tremble from post-traumatic stress, JR sheepishly stares over at her. Jock gruffly asks what the hell happened, and Miss Ellie promises to fill him in once they get the weeping Lucy upstairs to bed. Ray hops over to the living room and watches Sue Ellen as she mutely glares at JR. Pam, meanwhile, assures Bobby she's OK, and they both shoot Ray the stink-eye as they exit the living room. JR hands Sue Ellen her trench coat, and she snatches it from him before stalking out of the room. JR and Ray mutely stare at each other, and Ray shoots JR the stink-eye (not sure why he gets to feel so sanctimonious) before hopping out of the room. The camera then pans out, leaving JR standing alone, staring at the empty living room in bewilderment.