Recap: Carrie is wandering around a fancy venue (with a lovely spiral staircase) while Samantha and Anthony plan her upcoming book release party. Anthony decides it would be ultra chic for everything to be all white...but when Samantha declares she wants hot pink to be the party's primary color, he screeches, "Pink!" at whoever he's barking orders at off-camera, then bustles off to figure out how best to pinkify the room's decor.
On Miranda's first day back at work (post maternity leave), she gets an unexpected phone call from Walker Lewis. Mmm...yummy. He asks her whassup, and she glances over at the tiny framed photo she has of Brady on her desk and murmurs, "Nothing new." He asks her if she'd like to get together for some sack time, and she perks up and is all, "Yes please!"
Charlotte and her new blonde beau arrive at her apartment door after a lunch date. As they lock lips in the hall, Charlotte's nosy neighbour, Mrs. Collier, exits her apartment and grunts with disapproval at the PDA.
Carrie's in Courtney's office, gabbling about the upcoming book release party when a slightly disheveled man enters the room unnannounced - hey, it's Ron Livingston from Office Space! - and quickly apologizes for interrupting their meeting. Courtney introduces him to Carrie as Jack Berger, the author of a comic novel that "speaks to men" the way the writers like to pretend that Carrie's shittastic column speaks to women. Carrie blushingly smiles at Jack as he self-deprecatingly natters about his book's slumping sales...and then Courtney suggests that the two of them get acquainted so he can give her the low-down on the release party, book tours, signings, etc.
In the next scene, Carrie and Jack are sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons and flirtily bantering. He asks her if she'd like to go with him to pick up his dry cleaning, and since she's clearly smitten she's like, "Sounds fun!" then voice-overs about what a great first date this was without it actually being a first date. Jack spots a playing card on the ground and picks it up, then tells Carrie they're littered all over the city and that he's trying to collect enough to one day make up a full deck. Buoyed by their undeniable chemistry, Carrie asks Jack if he'd like to be her plus one for her upcoming book release party, but he tells her he's going to have to decline 'cause his girlfriend's parents are coming to town and will be staying at their apartment. Carrie's all, "Wha-a? Girlfriend..?" and stares back at him with a mixture of confusion and mortification. Bwahahaha!!
During lunch the next day, Carrie recounts for the gigolas the flirty interaction with Jack Berger that felt to her like a first date...but when she invited him to be her plus one for the party, it was like "a bomb that just kept exploding": I have a girlfriend. We live together. This whole flirtation's in your head. Bwahahaha!! Charlotte dismisses Jack as a jerk, but Carrie isn't ready to declare him as such, and insists that she sparked with him...and wonders how happy he is with his girlfriend. Samantha tells her to cheer up and reminds her that she has a fantastic career as a raunch columnist and is about to attend a huge party in her honor. Carrie concedes that Jack probably should have mentioned having a girlfriend much earlier in the conversation...and then Miranda abruptly changes the subject and tells the gals that when Walker Lewis called her up today, she neglected to tell him she has a baby. She says she'll tell him about Brady eventually...and by eventually, she means right before they hit the sheets.
Carrie ambles home, looking as if she can't help but wonder why the one thing people lack in their lives affects how they feel about the things they do have. Or some such shit. Sometimes my brain involuntarily tunes her out when she's voice-overing her weekly column dreck.
Samantha goes to the botox clinic to eradicate the wrinkles - I mean stress lines on her face. The doctor suggests she also indulge herself with a refreshing chemical peel, which he claims could make her look ten to twenty years younger. Samantha likes the sound of that implausible claim and eagerly agrees...and fifteen minutes later, her face is a ghastly red mess when the doctor accidentally peels off too much of the top layer of her skin. Ouch.
Carrie is dining alone in a fancy restaurant when Candice Bergen happens to enter and gets seated a few feet away. Carrie invites her to join her, and the two share some awkward chit-chat and quickly run out of things to talk about. Carrie begs Candice to open up a bit so they're not just staring mutely at each other across the table, so she throws Carrie a bone and tells her she has a boyfriend. When Carrie gushes about how fabulous it is that she has both a man and a successful career, Candice reveals that her boyfriend has a second girlfriend he keeps on the West Side. She pretends to be OK with it 'cause of her busy career, and advises Carrie to stop expecting things to look like what she thought they would look like.
Charlotte and her blonde beau get it on in her bedroom...and the next morning they wake up together and enjoy some afterglow. When the doorbell rings, Charlotte assumes it's the breakfast she ordered, so she puts on her robe to answer the door...and is horrified when Bunny MacDougal uses her key to unlock the door and enter the apartment. She snootily tells Charlotte she's been hearing troubling things about her from her friends on the co-op board, such as smooching in the hall and bringing home a gentleman caller who reportedly hasn't yet left the apartment. Charlotte haughtily tells her that what she does in her apartment is her business, so Bunny retorts, "That's the thing, dear. It's not your apartment." Charlotte cries, "Trey gave me this apartment!" [but didn't think to communicate his generous gift-giving to Bunny and/or look into signing over the deed], and Bunny points out that the apartment wasn't Trey's to give and that it belongs to the MacDougal family. Charlotte's blonde beau enters the room at that moment, overhears Bunny remind Charlotte that she's still married, and is all, "Wha-a-a? You're married?" Charlotte tells him she's separated, looks crestfallen when he shoots her a disgusted stink-eye, and forcibly hustles Bunny out of the apartment.
Carrie's at home, autographing a stack of her books, when Charlotte calls to tell her that her blonde beau is no more...which means that Anthony will be her plus one at the book release party. She then has to cut the call short when the locksmith arrives and grumbles, "Bunny's back." Stanford calls to inform Carrie that he's bringing his hot new boyfriend to her party...and when Carrie mentions that Charlotte is bringing her favorite gay (Anthony) as her plus one, Stanford perks up and relishes the thought of throwing his gorgeous boyfriend in Anthony's face. After that, Samantha calls to tell her she had something horrific done to her face and probably shouldn't attend the party, but a panicked Carrie wails, "You have to come! You're my publicist!" so Samantha gives in...then stares at her ghastly red face in the bathroom mirror and makes whimpering noises.
Party time! Carrie is photographed in front of a huge stack of her books, then gets congratulated by someone from The New Yorker. Samantha arrives wearing a giant black hat and face veil...and when Carrie asks her whaddup with the strange headwear, she pulls up the veil and explains that her recent chemical peel went awry. Carrie's all, "Ack!" and asks her to please cover up again 'cause she's scaring the guests. Stanford and Marcus arrive, say hello to Carrie, then gasp at Samantha's chemically peeled face. Stanford looks around for Charlotte and her "tiny little friend" ... and when he spots the two mingling on the second floor, he drags Marcus up the spiral staircase so he can pretend to barely remember meeting Anthony during the Real Me episode last season. Anthony looks visibly jealous of Marcus's hotness, mumbles good luck wishes for their relationship, and dashes after a waiter who's serving shrimp. Stanford screeches after him, "We're getting a house in the Hamptons! And he has a large penis!" which earns a dismayed look from Marcus.
Elsewhere at the party, Miranda and Walker are pressed up against a wall, smooching intensely. When he suggests they take their public dry humping to the privacy of her apartment, she enthusiastically agrees, then tells him - surprise! - she now has a baby. He stares at her in horror and asks if it's his, and she assures him it's not, and that they'll sort it all out on the off chance their casual doinking develops into any kind of relationship.
In the next scene, Walker is boning Miranda on her couch...and, predictably, little Brady starts mewling from his crib. Miranda commands Walker to keep thrusting, but he tells her he's not a baby guy and doesn't think his pecker can retain its hardness while a baby continues crying from the other room.
Miranda storms into the nursery and glares at Brady, who suddenly stops crying. She picks him up, looks as if she suddenly realizes how utterly cute-as-a-button he is and that she probably should have developed maternal feelings for him long before now.
Back at the party, Carrie is chatting it up with Candice Bergen and Isaac Mizrahi...'cause apparently Isaac Mizrahi had nothing better to do with his evening than attend a book release party for a compilation of raunch columns. A few seconds later, Carrie spots Jack Berger arrive...and he makes a beeline over to her to congratulate her on the book, tell her how how impressed he is by the party's turnout, and wank her about how super awesome she looks. [The relentless wanking over Carrie - her clothes, her writing talents, her beauty - is nauseatingly reminiscent of when the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers were forced by Aaron Spelling to constantly portray Tori's character as the sweetest, most beautiful cherub who has ever or would ever walk the earth.] Carrie flirtily thanks Jack for coming, then walks over to the bar to join Charlotte, who remarks on how cute Jack is. A few seconds later, Samantha ambles over, still wearing her ginormous veil hat, and says she'd like to take her scarily peeled face home now. After Carrie thanks her for coming and sends her on her way, she natters to Charlotte about how she wishes she hadn't sparked with Jack, 'cause the loneliness in her sad, empty life has reached the palpable stage. Candice Bergen suddenly appears, looking panicked 'cause she just spotted her boyfriend and his West Side lady. She hides behind Carrie, then ducks her way to the exit so he doesn't see her.
After the party, Carrie climbs into a limo, the driver of which is an overly chatty, friendly young woman. When she asks what the party was for, Carrie proudly tells her it was her book release party...and then the driver gets nauseatingly gushy and says they need to celebrate, like pronto, and drives over to a nearby hot dog place. When the driver tells the vendor that Carrie just had her book release party, he's so impressed that he gives them the hot dogs for free...'cause, yeah, as if. As Carrie climbs back into the limo, she spots a Jack of Hearts playing card on the ground, then glances around with a wistful expression on her horsey face before the limo pulls away.