Recap: Carrie and Stanford are lounging by the bar of a happening nightclub, leering at prospects for Stanford, when Margaret Cho and her gay "boy friend" Damian make a beeline over to where they're sitting. Margaret Cho tells Carrie she really really wants her to be in the charity fashion show she's producing, and says it's going to feature a mix of professional models and "regular people with style". She wanks, "No one is more New York or has more style than you" which is such crazy talk considering the Madonna-trash get-up Carrie left the house in this evening: a black top with what appears to be a strapless white bra layered over top of it, accessorized by several rungs of junky pearls wrapped around her neck...and her mangy hair is twisted in a girlish looking ponytail with a thick black scrunchie thing. Carrie shakes her head in faux modesty and insists she's a writer (er...raunch columnist) not a model - but Margaret Cho refuses to take no for an answer and threatens to call her next week with all the details.
At brunch, Samantha says she's on an all-organic diet and admits she's having issues fully satisfying her hunger. Carrie says that whatever she's doing must agree with her 'cause she's looking very svelte these days. Samantha announces that she scheduled a nude photo shoot for herself, 'cause when she's old and saggy she wants to be able to look back and say, "Damn I was narcissistic" ... I mean hot. Carrie admires her for being "able to put it out there" since she can't even bring herself to commit to being in a charity fashion show...and Samantha perks up at the mention of the charity fashion show and tells her that all the top designers are taking part. Charlotte urges Carrie to do it and reminds her that she "lives for fashion" - at least that's the message the Sex and the City writers are constantly beating us over the head with. That and how DE-lighted these four are when they pretend to be independent career women who don't need men for anything other than sex, but then bitch and moan about being lonely whenever they're not in a relationship. Carrie argues that as a raunch columnist, not to mention a person who has zero taste, style, or class in general, she has absolutely no business strutting on a runway - but Charlotte points out that she has no compunction about strutting down Fifth Avenue in her unspeakable, bra-baring ensembles and stupid stilettos. Carrie whines about being judged and worries that people will think that she thinks she's model material. Samantha chides her for giving a shit about what people think and urges her to do the show.
At the gym, Miranda is looking sweaty and disheveled after an intense workout when she notices a dorky guy goofily smiling at her. He flirtily chastises her for breaking the gym's rules by working out longer than thirty minutes on the treadmill, so she explains that she's training for the marathon...and he's all, "Wow!" and introduces himself as Dave. She's like, "OK then, have a good workout" and he scrunches his face in disappointment and goes, "Is that it?" and tells her he's been ogling her for months and thinks she's extremely sexy, which results in looks of utter bafflement from Miranda and me.
Miranda calls Carrie to tell her about her gym admirer and how puzzling she and I both find it that a guy could possibly find her sexy in her sweaty workout garb.
Carrie sits in front of her laptop, puffing on a cigarette and pondering the mythology of Narcissus...and also why she and her friends are less judgey about each other's looks than they are about their own. Sounds like this week's installment of her shittastic column is set to be a real snorefest.
Samantha arrives on the set of her nude photo shoot, brusquely disrobes, and tells the bewildered photographer and his assistant that she has absolutely no need for them to play any background music to ease her into being photographed in her birthday suit.
Carrie asks Charlotte for help in setting up Stanford, so she calls up her sole gay friend and wedding planner: Anthony Marantino. When she offers up Stanford as a prospective blind date, he asks her who'd play him in the movie...and she stretches the truth by a few miles when she replies, "A young Ed Harris." Anthony perks up and mutters, "That's hot."
Miranda is wrapping up her first date with Dave. After he escorts her to her apartment, he calls her sexy again and the two get into some intense smooching action.
Margaret Cho calls Carrie to verbally bitch-slap her for not returning any of her calls, asks her if she's in or out of the charity fashion show, and adds that Dolce & Gabbana are totes interested in dressing her. Carrie perks up at the mention of Dolce & Gabbana and asks Margaret Cho if she knows whether or not she'd be able to keep the outfit...and the camera cuts away to the next scene, but we can safely assume that the answer is yes.
Carrie is trying on a form-fitting black and floral Dolce & Gabbana dress while a quirky platinum blonde stylist named Oscar oversees the operation. He asks Carrie to walk down the makeshift runway, then trot (!) back - just as an attractively disheveled photographer named Paul enters the room snapping some candid shots of Carrie. He explains that he's putting together a behind-the-scenes collection of photographs of Fashion Week...and after a few minutes of flirting, he invites Carrie out for a drink. Oscar decides that Carrie lacks the requisite height for the form-fitting dress, so he holds up a short dark blue glittery number and asks if she likeys it, and she excitedly squeals, "Me likey!"
Charlotte senses that something is off with her vajajay so she makes an appointment with a gynecologist to look into whassup. The doctor informs her that she has vulvodynia, tells her her vagina is depressed, and prescribes it an anti-depressant...'cause yep, that really sounds like a reasonable medical approach.
At lunch, Charlotte tells Carrie and Miranda about her depressed vagina and that her doctor ordered her to keep a vagina journal - I guess to unearth the source of its depression. After the obligatory jokes about what a journal entry from a vagina might sound like, Samantha rushes into the diner, apologizes for being late, and excitedly tells them she just picked up her nude contact sheets. She asks Charlotte to check them over and give her professional "art eye" opinion...so Charlotte takes a quick glance with the magnifier, immediately looks icked out, and prudishly tells Samantha she can see her everything. Samantha explains that she did a full frontal to warm up, but Charlotte is too appalled by the sight of her friend's magnified muff to offer her professional opinion. She says she's never even looked at hers that closely 'cause she thinks it's ugly, and Miranda wryly suggests that this is probably why her vajajay is so depressed.
Miranda has psyched herself up for her second date with Dave, and is brimming with over-confidence as the two hang in her apartment and drink wine. She lays it on thick about how much she looooooves her job, her friends, and her life...and when she closes her eyes and puckers her lips expectantly, Dave makes an ew face and takes a sip of wine. Ouch.
Samantha goes to a framing store to get one of her nudes framed. She proudly holds up the black and white photo of her naked backside with side boob peeking out and is clearly expecting the portly clerk to hornily gush over it...but he isn't remotely interested in feeding this grown woman's narcissism and just gives her an estimate of when he thinks the frame will be ready. An irked Samantha snaps, "Whatever" and storms off in a huff.
Paul is hanging with Carrie at her apartment...and she's looking through an old book she owns of supermodel photographs he published years ago. She gushes about how much she looooves looking at all the pretty models - but Paul says he actually prefers peoples' flaws 'cause it makes them more beautiful. He then pulls out a photograph he took of Carrie during her fitting earlier and calls her very alive and beautiful, which I found utterly nauseating.
Fashion show! An excited Carrie and Stanford arrive backstage, and some flunky directs them over to where the "regular people with style" are supposed to congregate. Carrie gets upset when she sees name cards for Frank Rich and Fran Lebowitz and moans about what an idiot she feels like, being included with such drab, un-model-like New Yorkers. Stanford points out that she's likely the model-iest of the regular people, which is probably highly debatable.
Oscar's assistant tells Carrie there's been a last minute change, and that instead of the blue glittery dress she'll have to prance the length of the runway in jeweled granny panties. Carrie stares at the panties in horror and says she's going to need to speak with someone. In the next scene, Oscar explains that he had to lose the blue dress from the rotation 'cause he just learned that Dior is showcasing something similar. Carrie cries, "Me no likey!" but Oscar says he'll give her a coat to cover her mammaries, and that his stylist will transform her mangy rat's nest into a ginormous blowout to distract the fashion show audience from the sight of her naked torso.
Charlotte introduces Stanford to Anthony...and Anthony looks disgusted by how not even close Stanford measures up to a 'young Ed Harris' and starts acting all frosty bitchy. A dejected Stanford mutters something about needing to check on Carrie then slinks backstage, and Anthony snappishly informs Charlotte that he can do a whole lot better than that uggo.
Carrie is in the process of getting her hair bouffant-ified when Stanford arrives backstage to complain about Anthony's rudeness. Carrie, who's distraught about having to strut the runway in jeweled granny panties, wails that right now she has no room in her head for his dating woes. Oscar saunters over with Kevyn Aucoin, assures Carrie she looks fabulous, and tells her that Kevyn will use all of his makeup artist powers to try to make her horsey face look less horsey. Carrie implores Stanford to summon Samantha backstage so she can get an honest opinion of how she looks...and when Stanford returns to his seat, he notices that Anthony is no longer there. Charlotte sheepishly explains that he had a decorating emergency and had to rush off. LOL.
As the fashion show gets underway, Samantha arrives backstage and stares in speechless wonderment at Carrie, who's decked out in a long blue coat over the granny panties. Carrie orders her to tell her the truth about what an embarrassing spectacle she's about to make of herself, but Samantha just clutches her chest and breathlessly coos, "Honey, you're a model!" A few seconds later Heidi Klum, who's wearing the black floral dress Carrie tried on earlier, appears behind Carrie to check herself out in the mirror. The two compliment each other's outfits and get ready to hit the runway.
Carrie makes her runway debut...and a few seconds into it she goes from looking unbearably cocky to completely mortified when she trips on her stilettos and falls flat on her face. Bwahahaha!!! Margaret Cho, who's up in the control area with a headset on, barks, "Fuck. Me. Hard!" and orders whoever she's got running things backstage to send out Heidi Klum so the show doesn't fall behind schedule. As Heidi steps over Carrie to get to the end of the runway, Stanford gasps about how she's being treated like "fashion roadkill". Carrie informs viewers via voice-over that she decided to get through the embarrassment by picking herself up and strutting the runway as planned. As she climbs to her feet, the Sex and the City gals loudly cheer her on...and Carrie gets all into it and smugly twirls at the end of the runway and high fives Heidi Klum. Carrie mouths sorry to Margaret Cho, but Margaret Cho shakes her head as if to say, "You got this, girrrl!" and gives her a smile of approval.
Carrie's "act of bravery" inspired Miranda to confront Dave at the gym and ask whassup with him not calling her after their second date, so he comes right out and tells her he got turned off 'cause she suddenly seemed so full of herself. A mortified Miranda squeaks, "Glad we cleared that up" and slinks away...and I guess that's that.
Samantha gives up on her organic-only food regimen and gets a big bag of junk food delivered for dinner. The deliveryman checks out the framed nude photo she decided to hang in the foyer ('cause, yeah, why wouldn't Samantha hang that up near the front door) and compliments her tight ass...and Samantha perks up at having her naked physical attributes validated by a slovenly deliveryman and gives him a huge tip.
Charlotte uses a mirror to examine her vagina...and is so mesmerized by the sight of it that she gets distracted and falls off the bed.
Carrie - ugh - struts around her apartment in a pair of men's underwear and a tank top as she tucks away the jeweled granny panties in a drawer and voice-overs about her relief at going back to her life as a regular person...even though a "regular person" would never be able to scrape by on whatever a raunch columnist who writes as shittily as she does would earn, much less have the financial resources to afford a spacious studio apartment on the Upper East Side, and buy Manolos and fugly designer outfits whenever the mood strikes.