Recap: Carrie is gaily strolling down the street in her short new 'do, gabbling about all the ways one can fill up a day when single in New York. She skips across the street to the Paris Theater and happily chirps at the ticket booth lady, "Joy For Two for one" and tries to look as blissful as humanly possible while she watches the film and munches on popcorn.
The next morning at breakfast, Samantha bitches to the gigolas about how Richard keeps leaving I'm sorry messages on her answering machine, then snarls, "Like all the I'm sorries are going to make up for the fact that I caught him eating another woman's pussy." Charlotte flinches at her loud blurting out of the p-word and motions over to where little Brady is sitting in his baby seat next to Miranda. Miranda assures them it's perfectly fine to raunch talk in front of her hapless infant, then jokingly says to just think of him as a big purse. Samantha's like, "Can do" and continues to loudly rail about Richard's adulterous pussy eating, and this time Carrie flinches and suggests she substitute sushi for pussy, if only for the sake of the other diners who have the misfortune of sitting within earshot of their table. She then changes the subject to herself and tells the gals she went to the Paris Theater on Saturday night and watched a movie by herself, and an aghast looking Charlotte cries, "On date night?!" and asks if she's not worried that people are going to think she's a sad, pathetic person [if they haven't already come to that conclusion]. Carrie argues that New York is the perfect city to be single in, then says she's going to start thinking of New York as her date...and jokingly says they've been dating for the past eighteen years and is pretty sure that things are getting serious. Samantha starts to dial into her voicemail to listen to Richard's latest phone message - but Charlotte barks at her to stop doing that, emotionally cut him out of her life, and move on. She then pronounces, "Everyone knows you only get two great loves in your life" and Miranda bitterly guffaws and asks her if she read that nonsense in Convenient Theories For You Monthly. Bwahahaha! Charlotte holds firm and insists that there's a finite amount of love in the world, and that a love that shakes you to your core is extremely rare. She says she's already had one such love (I'll assume she's referring to Trey, even though I never got the sense that Mr. Flaccid ever shook her to her core) - while Miranda says she hasn't had any and refuses to classify Steve as a core shaker. Charlotte tells Carrie she's had two - Big and Aidan - then realizes she just put her foot in it when Carrie says, according to this theory, she's done with love and that her epitaph will read: Here lies Carrie. She had two loves...and lots of shoes. [And a shit ton of debt from buying all those shoes that made it necessary for her to pawn Charlotte's diamond ring for her mortgage downpayment, the repayment of which the writers have conveniently avoided mentioning since the Ring A Ding Ding episode.]
After lunch, the gals spot hunky sailors ambling around Manhattan, then gabble excitedly about how it's Fleet Week, the one week of the year when U.S. Naval ships dock and the city is overrun with horny military men on shore leave. Samantha says she definitely wants to go to the big Navy party, but Carrie says she has zero interest in that and puns, "That ship has sailed." Samantha insists that as patriotic women of New York, they're obligated to show these sailors a good time - but Carrie argues that a much better way of demonstrating patriotism would be to come shopping with her and throw some much needed dollars downtown. Charlotte and Samantha like the idea of giving their credit cards a workout and chirp, "I'm in!", but Miranda moans, "I forgot the snugli" and Samantha perks up at the prospect of ditching her friend and her drooling tot and says, "Let's get you a cab home!", shoves her into the back seat of the cab that promptly pulls up, and sends her on her way. Miranda stares out the back window at them looking sad and left out.
Miranda arrives home, surprised to find Steve in her apartment. He tells her that Magda let him in, made him a sandwich, and that he's been waiting around to hang with Brady. Miranda bitchily tells him he can't hang right now 'cause she needs to get Brady down for his nap, then summons her baby nurse, Lina...who, for some reason, has been discussing the plight of Miranda's sore nipples with Steve.
Charlotte flinches when her building's doorman refers to her as Mrs. MacDougal. She then decides to remove MacDougal from the name plate of her front door, and replaces it with York. I wonder if she feels any amount of sheepishness for continuing to squat in this luxurious MacDougal residence she didn't do a damn thing to earn.
When Samantha returns home, she gets another I'm sorry voicemail message from Richard, who urges her to meet up with him for a drink at Sushi Samba. Carrie voice-overs that while it was the right sentiment, it was the wrong restaurant (I'm guessing she found the sushi reference objectionable after being forced by the gals earlier to substitute sushi for pussy).
Samantha arrives at Sushi Samba decked out in a yellow skin tight dress. She flounces over to where Richard is sitting and appreciatively checking her out. He tells her he ordered her a dirty martini and gives her a hopeful smile, and she picks up the glass, throws the drink in his face, and growls, "Dirty martini. Dirty bastard" and flounces back out.
Samantha calls Carrie to report the throwing of her drink in Richard's face...and she's telling her this while ripping up photos of him. For a forty-six year old woman, she's really reacting to this breakup like a drama-filled fifteen year old girl. She then complains to Carrie about the baby talk at breakfast and says she signed up for friendship, "not PC bullshit baby brunches". Carrie tells her that Brady won't happen every day, but Samantha grunts and says she's pretty sure that the days of blurting out expletives and cackling raunchily about their conquests' genitals have become a thing of the past. Oh no!
Carrie goes home to tap out her column and pontificate about the freedom people enjoy before "the baggage and babies", then can't help but wonder if a sense of adventure still flickers inside of her and her gal pals. She types out 'when it comes to being carefree single girls, have we missed the boat?' then stares contemplatively into space about what a snorefest this week's instalment is going to be for her readership.
Carrie drops by Miranda's apartment with a bag of chocolates and finds Miranda stressing about the challenges of breastfeeding a baby who keeps rebuffing her nipple. Carrie natters her usual self-centered nonsense, which Miranda is too distracted and frazzled to absorb, and then is all, "Holy hooters!" when she catches sight of Miranda's ginormous post pregnancy breasts. Miranda says her life right now is all about nursing and nipples, and that it's sooo frustrating to not be able to carry on an adult conversation. She whimpers, "My friendships are important to me" and Carrie assures her that she and the other gigolas aren't going anywhere, and that things might change a bit now that a baby has been permanently written into the script. A few seconds later, Brady finally gets the hang of the nipple, which is Carrie's cue to get up and announce that she's off to the Guggenheim and then who knows? It's New York!
Charlotte, meanwhile, is spending the afternoon with Anthony Marentino...and when a cute sailor walks by and brazenly checks Charlotte out, Anthony urges her to go talk to him, arrange a date, and indulge in a meaningless romp. Charlotte makes a face and says she's looking for her next great love, but Anthony advises against waiting longer than six months to have sex 'cause by that point her nether regions could grow over.
Samantha is wandering around Richard's neighborhood, handing out 'Richard is a cheater and liar' flyers to passersby and also taping them to light poles. A female police officer pulls up and warns her against defacing public property...but when Samantha explains that the man featured in the flyers told her he loved her, but then was caught munching below the equator of another woman, the police officer tells her it's A-OK to carry on with her tedious hell hath no fury sideshow.
When Carrie arrives at the Guggenheim, she's disappointed to find it closed...and the weather takes a weird turn and gets really windy and starts raining. Carrie shrieks loudly when her skirt blows up and reveals her unsightly granny panties, and she quickly finds shelter under the covered entrance of an apartment building and grins stupidly at the attractive man standing next to her. She flirtily natters at him that if this were a French movie, they'd be totally falling in love right now and he'd be proposing marriage...and he looks understandably grossed out by the prospect and flees in the rain.
Carrie goes to a soup place to dry off...and when she asks for a table, she's barked at by the crusty cook to sit at the counter with the rest of the single losers. She finds herself seated next to a nutty old lady who's counting out her lithium tablets and yammering about how, when she was a young woman, she broke up with her boyfriend in the hopes of someone better coming along...but then months turned into years, which turned into decades, and no one better ever did come along. Subtle, show.
Carrie has trouble hailing a cab - until a group of cute sailors spill out of a cab a few feet away from her and then hold it for her. She blushes like the lovely doe-eyed maiden she imagines she must look like to them, murmurs a thank you, and daintily climbs into the back seat. A few seconds later, one of the sailors asks her to roll down her window. He introduces himself as Louis Leroy and invites her to the big Navy party tonight...and his buddies tell her she should "feel very free" to bring along any DTF girlfriends she may have.
The gals (sans Miranda) get all glammed up and meet in Times Square to totter around in their stilettos while heading over to the Navy party. Charlotte says she's down for some action with a horny sailor now that six months have passed since she and Trey hit the sheets...and Samantha nearly faints from the very idea of enduring such a long dry spell. When the three arrive at the Navy party, they each wander off in different directions...and Carrie stands in the middle of the rockin' party room looking confused and bewildered.
As Miranda changes Brady's diaper, his bellybutton falls off...and Fatty the cat perks up and is all, "A new plaything for me!" and promptly snatches it so he can bat it around with his paws. Miranda starts screeching at Fatty to give it back, while Lina looks horrified and repeatedly shakes her head. Miranda summons Steve to come over and rescue their son's bellybutton and wails, "It's gross! Help me! It's gross!"
Back at the Navy party, a young hunk flirts with Carrie...but quickly strikes out when he tells her that she reminds him of his equine-like mother. Charlotte is sitting at a table, canoodling with a good looking officer who asks to get an eyeful of her hooters. Charlotte throws all decorum and good taste to the wind and flashes one boob, which Carrie witnesses and then cries, "OMG! Ack!" When she runs into Samantha a few seconds later, she complains about being subjected to the sight of Miranda's and Charlotte's boobs in the same day, then jokes, "Why not just show me yours and get it over with?" and naturally Samantha takes that as an invitation to lower the front of her dress and relish the inevitable cheering and wooting from all the sailors who got a gander of her mammaries. Carrie declares she's done with the boob-baring Navy mixer and heads toward the exit...but on her way there she runs into Louis, who implores her to stay so that he can fulfill his fantasy of dancing with a skanky New York City girl.
Carrie and Louis sway together in a dragged out, superfluous dance sequence. Samantha, meanwhile, checks her phone messages again and listens to one from Richard insisting that he really truly loves her and urges her to call him.
Carrie asks Louis how many great loves he thinks a person gets, and he mulls that over for a few seconds and says, "Maybe one. If you're lucky." Carrie says she's glad she stayed longer at the party, especially considering how hard the city kicked her ass today. Louis makes an ick face and says he doesn't much like all the garbage and noise of New York City and says he doesn't get how people put up with it. Carrie bids him good night...and when he tells her she shouldn't leave alone 'cause it's rough out there, she huskily retorts, "It isn't so bad." She then totters off in her stilettos, grumbling in a voice-over about how annoyed she is that Louis would dare "talk shit about my boyfriend" ... then babbles something or other about it being bad to let the past weigh you down like an anchor.
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