Recap: Carrie and Big are out on the town together at Monkey Bar, exchanging annoying repartee and looking like a full-on couple again...which, blech.
And speaking of two blechy people who are looking like a full-on couple again..
Charlotte and Kyle are at a fancy house party looking very cozy...which I found odd, since last we heard (during the season premiere), Charlotte barked at Kyle to not call her until she figured out whether or not she wanted to trudge ahead with this dull-as-fuck marriage. Kyle compliments Charlotte's firm derriere, but she urges him to keep his over-excited penis under control until they get to his place...and Trey responds by pulling her into the nearest bedroom and shutting the door so the two can start getting it on atop the hosts' bed. Classy.
Big drops Carrie off at her apartment and offers to walk her to her door...and makes the offer while suggestively moving his eyebrows up and down. Carrie firmly declines his suggestion of hanky panky, says goodnight, and goes inside.
At brunch the next day, Charlotte asks the gigolas if they've ever had sex in a restaurant bathroom...and naturally they have all done that at one time or another, as well as in various other public places. Charlotte cackles about how she and Trey have been bumping uglies everywhere they go...but is troubled about it 'cause they haven't officially reconciled (and not 'cause of how traumatic it would be for hapless passersby to stumble upon them in mid-doink). Samantha waves a dismissive hand in the air and tells her to just enjoy the illicit sex and not try to put a label on it. Carrie changes the subject and tells the gals she went to Monkey Bar with Big last night...and when everyone falls silent at the grisly prospect of Carrie starting up her obnoxious Big Fixation again, she assures them that they're merely enjoying each other's company in the platonic sense. Miranda reminds her that she has no sense...or sense of boundaries when it comes to that arsehole, and Carrie snarks at her to lay off the boundaries talk and declares that she's not considering sleeping with Big anytime soon...and hallelujah for that.
Carrie returns to her hovel to ponder the blurring of the lines between friendship and sex, then starts tapping out some superfluous nonsense on her laptop about "what really defines a relationship".
Miranda is in bed with her latest hookup: Doug, a bespectacled cartoonist who works for the New Yorker. In the next scene, she's brushing her teeth in the bathroom when Doug lumbers in and pees right in front of her. She stares at him looking icked out...but when he glances over at her, she pretends she's totes comfortable with watching him urinate a couple of feet away from her.
Miranda tells the gals about Doug's uninhibited urination as they mill around Charlotte's gallery for the opening of a Brazilian artist named Maria. Samantha is admiring one of the paintings when Maria approaches her and introduces herself. Samantha tells her she's miffed that all of her pieces appear to be sold...so Maria invites her to come by her loft sometime to take a look at the pieces she has there. Samantha says she's game, then asks her why there aren't any hot guys at her opening...and suddenly a woman comes over, tenderly kisses Maria on the lips, and calls her art stunning. After she saunters off, Maria explains to Samantha that the woman's her ex...and that since she's a lesbian, no heterosexual men were deemed necessary to attend her art opening.
The next evening, Carrie and Big are slumming it at a jazz club in the East Village. Carrie and the attractive musician on stage lock eyes and start ogling each other...and when Big heads over to the bar for more drinks, the musician uses the opportunity to quickly hand her a note: is that oaf you're with your boyfriend? Carrie smilingly shakes her head no, and the musician looks intrigued.
After the set, the musician saunters over to introduce himself (Ray King) and flirtily banter with Carrie while Big refuses to take a hint and continues to just stand there and brazenly eavesdrop. Carrie announces that she needs to get going, so Big offers to call his car service - but Ray suggests they split a cab...and Big somehow assumes that Ray is including him in the they part of that sentence and toddles along. As the three sit scrunched together in the back of the cab, Big mutters, "Cabs are bullshit" while Ray does his best to ignore him and asks for Carrie's phone number. She fishes for a pen in her purse...and when she can't find one, Big mutely hands her his. When the cab pulls up at her brownstone, both Carrie and Big exit the cab...and Carrie admonishes him for getting out with her 'cause she's afraid that Ray is going to get the wrong idea. She says they should figure out what they're doing with their platonic get togethers, then climbs up the front steps while Big mocks Ray's jazz playing 'cause in this episode he suddenly has the emotional maturity of a ten year old.
Later that night, Carrie gets a call from Ray, who plays jazz music into her phone...then also gets a call on the other line from Big, who has called for no other reason than to make fun of Ray's jazz playing again. Carrie hangs up on Big and returns to Ray's call, and he asks her out for Saturday night but specifies, "Don't bring the angry guy." After that, Big calls again to ask Carrie what she could possibly see in Ray and she snaps, "He knows how to say goodbye" and slams the phone down.
Miranda decides to loosen up and take a page out of Doug's book...and sits on the toilet with the bathroom door wide open. While she's urinating, Doug wanders into the bathroom, loudly blows his nose, and asks her if she has any bagels. She replies to him in a very strained sounding voice...then throws in the towel on implementing an 'open door peeing policy' and goes back to peeing in private.
Samantha is at Maria's loft, being schooled in the art of creating Brazilian art. Maria explains that she always puts her guests to work creating masterpieces, then helps Samantha wash the paint off of her hands. While doing that, she stares longingly at Samantha...and Samantha gives her a wary glance and asks, "Do we need to talk about this?" then says she's tried "the girl thing" a few times - but at the end of the day she simply isn't a relationship person. She tells Maria she can only commit to being friends...and Maria jokes that that's fine, as long as she buys some of her art pieces.
The gigolas are out clothes shopping when they notice a hickey on Charlotte's neck. Charlotte blushes and says that she and Trey made out at the movies...and that she went down on him in the theater. She decides she's happy to not have to define their relationship...for the duration of this episode, anyway.
Later, Trey and Charlotte are going at it in the back of a cab. Charlotte suggests they go to his place and have sex in his bed like civilized people...but when he ignores her and continues to be all grab-handsy, she gets angry and storms out. And somehow the cab driver doesn't seem icked out enough by their public lewdness to order Trey to get the hell out of his cab.
Trey calls Charlotte later and sheepishly agrees to have sex in his bed...then asks her if they can still have sex in a cab as a special bonus doink. Charlotte smiles into space and says, "We'll see." Please don't. New York cab drivers have tough enough lives already.
Miranda gets up early to make coffee when Doug lumbers into the bathroom with the newspaper, plops himself onto the toilet and starts taking a loud, farty dump. Miranda glares at him in horrified disdain as he waves at her from the toilet - LOL - then storms down the hall and closes the bathroom door.
Carrie and Ray arrive at the opening of a fancy restaurant and run into Big and his date, a vapid young model who introduces herself as Shay (?) - pronounced Shaw 'cause apparently the y is silent. Samantha greets Carrie and Ray and ushers them over to her table...and for some reason Big and Shay follow and join them. Ray looks visibly miserable to be sitting at a crowded table with "the angry guy" and promptly excuses himself...and Carrie follows him to the bar a few seconds later. He tells her he has no desire to return to the table and calls it baaad, and Carrie tries to sound cool as she retorts, "Yeah maaan."
Back at the table, Shay excuses herself to powder [the inside of] her nose, and Samantha takes the opportunity to ask Big whaddup with all the airtime he's getting this episode, and if he and Carrie are really "just friends". She tells him that Carrie is her BFF and is fragile where he's concerned, then orders him to back the hell off. Big scrunches his face into a pouty expression and jokingly asks, "Can't we all just get along?" and Samantha excuses herself to take several dramatic breaths to compose herself. Maria follows her and gushes over how magnificent she was at "kicking ass" just now (??) then says she has too many feelings of unbridled passion for her to continue to be just friends. She points at the nearby bathroom and says she's going to go in there, and then be on her way. Samantha mulls that over, decides, "Why not mix it up and become a lesbian for the next two episodes?", and joins Maria in the bathroom where she plants a big smooch on her lips.
Carrie enters the bathroom and walks in on Shay snorting a line of coke. She's all, "Ack!" and is about to scoot back out when Shay tells her it's not necessary for her to run off. She tells Carrie that Big talks about her a lot then asks her if they used to go out, and Carrie mutters, "Something like that" and quietly slips out of the bathroom.
A glum looking Big informs Carrie that he and Shay are heading out now, and Carrie's like, "Whatever. There wasn't a point to the two of you being here in the first place."
Ray walks Carrie home and gabbles incessantly about jazz...how much he looooves jazz, and how he hears jazz in everyday noises. Carrie tries to feign interest in that for a few seconds, but finally admits that she doesn't know the first thing about jazz. And wishes he would stop waxing on endlessly about it. Oh wait - that was me, projecting. When the two arrive at her brownstone, they share a sultry kiss goodnight as Carrie voice-overs that she really likes this guy and that she's decided sometimes "what defines a relationship" is another relationship.