Recap: The Sex and the City gigolas meet up on a Saturday night to attend an engagement party, which none of them except Charlotte seems all that interested in attending. They mock the cheesiness of the invitation's theme - two souls, one thought - and reminisce about how each of them has shared some type of intimate moment with the groom-to-be. Shocker.
As the gals mingle among the guests, one random partygoer notices Charlotte's wedding ring and asks her if her husband is at the party, and Charlotte starts nattering about how she and Trey are currently separated after rushing headfirst into a marriage that's gone dudsville 'cause of all the penile stamina type problems Trey's been having. The woman, whose eyes have widened in horror from all the TMI, warns another partygoer to steer clear of starting up a conversation with Charlotte. Across the room, the bride-to-be is gushing to everyone about how lucky she was to find the perfect man, then condescendingly asks Carrie and Miranda if they're seeing anyone special. Carrie says she isn't at the moment, while Miranda launches into a stand-up routine about how she's only seeing unspecial guys, and that if anyone knows of any dinkwhistles they could hook her up with they should let her know. Later, Carrie asks Miranda whassup with the self-deprecating comedy schtick, and Miranda points out that as the only single people at the party she decided to go on the offensive and avoid the inevitable pity party. Carrie wonders if married people actually envy their single, footloose and fancy free lives...but Miranda's like, "Nope" and says their single status makes married people uncomfortable. I'm sure their uncomfortableness has nothing at all to do with the gals' general aura of skank and/or tendency to fixate on sex 24/7.
Charlotte frantically knocks on Trey's door...and when he finally gets out of bed, puts his robe on, and answers, she stares at him in crazed bewilderment and wails, "What are we doing?!" and bursts inside while maniacally shaking her head. She tells him she can't go to anymore parties until they've decided what they're doing about their marriage, then pulls out some notes she prepared and reads two points aloud:
Trey reacts to her talking points by popping an involuntary boner, then rubs up against her and prematurely blows his wad. He scrunches his face in mortification for a few seconds, then apologizes and offers her a hanky. Charlotte cries, "It's too late for hankies!" and sadly tells him that "this" isn't working. She asks him to stop calling her until she's decided whether or not to continue with this dull-as-fuck marriage she never should have initiated out of a desperate need to no longer be single. Trey wistfully reminds her he loves her, and to please send him her dry cleaning bill for the soiled skirt.
Carrie gets a dating service brochure in the mail and brings it to the next brunch summit for a superfluous in depth discussion. Miranda mocks the questionnaire, which warns "Don't let your soulmate slip away!" and pooh poohs the very notion of a soulmate. Charlotte says she truly believes there's one perfect person out there who can complete you - and Miranda looks aghast as she barks, "And what if you don't find him? You're incomplete? It's soooo dangerous!" LOL. It's positively perilous! Carrie thinks that the idea of having only one soulmate in the world is ridic, and Samantha agrees and calls it out as being unattainable. Charlotte insists she can't help but completely buy into it - but is starting to rethink whether Trey is her soulmate, especially after the boorish way he ejaculated on her leg the other night. Miranda starts to fill out the questionnaire on Carrie's behalf...and when they get to the age section, they cackle about how Carrie is turning thirty-five next week.
Carrie goes home to smoke her stupid cigarettes and stare contemplatively into space as she ponders the notion of a soulmate. She rhetorically asks herself what it means if you've met your soulmate - but then cheat on him with Big, ruin his marriage to Natasha, and then get dumped like yesterday's news by the cuckolded soulmate after admitting to the infidelity. She caps off her brain-twisting by tapping out soulmates: reality or torture device?
As Carrie and Samantha amble around Manhattan together, Samantha offers to plan a small birthday dinner party to celebrate her thirty-five useless years on the planet...and Carrie chews on that for a few seconds before agreeing. Samantha asks if she should invite Mr. Big, but Carrie decides she'd rather stick to low maintenance friends she hasn't defiled a marital bed with - plus, he's currently in London on business. Samantha suddenly spots a hunky priest standing in front of his church and looks intrigued by his implausible good looks. She cackles to Carrie about his hotness and dubs him Friar Fuck 'cause she has the maturity of a fourteen year old.
The following Sunday, Samantha returns to the church to see if Friar Fuck would be up for a meaningless romp. She flirtily tells him she's in PR and offers to put together a fundraising benefit for the church - but Friar Fuck tells her that the church is too low key for that and that he prefers to do things like collect canned goods in order to feed the poor and needy. When Samantha ogles what she imagines he looks like under his robes, he hastily tells her he lives according to the values of St. Francis, aka poverty and chastity. At the mention of chastity, Samantha looks disappointed, but decides to give it a shot anyway and hands him her business card. She urges him to call her if he changes his mind about the fundraising benefit...or anything else, then sexily sashays off.
When the gals get together for drinks that evening, Charlotte remarks on Samantha's healthy glow, so she needlessly shares that she spent the afternoon pleasuring herself while imagining herself repeatedly impaled by Friar Fuck's penis. Charlotte is appalled that Samantha would stoop so low as to have impure thoughts about a priest (uh, she's met Samantha, right?) but Samantha reminds her it's just a fantasy she conjured up to help her get off. She asks the gals who they masturbate to, and Miranda and Carrie simultaneously chirp, "Russell Crowe!" while a deflated Charlotte whimpers that lately she's just been fantasizing about Trey whenever she feels urges emanating from her nether regions. She says her ultimate fantasy is of her and her husband having perfect sex, then scrunches her face worriedly and asks, "What does that mean?" Let's see...I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that it probably means you wish you could have satisfying sex with the prissy man you dove into an ill-fated marriage with.
Carrie is sitting up in her bed as the clock strikes 12:00am. She picks up the phone, dials Big's number, and leaves him a message inviting him to her birthday dinner party. So much for just sticking to low maintenance friends. She tells him that the dinner party will be at Il Cantinori - in case he returns from London in time and has any desire to attend.
Miranda runs into a friend we've never seen named Sheila, who comes right out and asks Miranda if she's dating anyone special. Miranda decides to forgo her usual I only date unspecial guys schtick and says she currently has no plus one in her life, and that since she refuses to buy into the whole soulmate theory, there's a strong possibility she could die old and alone. She swiftly changes the subject and asks Sheila how she and her husband Joe (of five years) are doing, and Sheila frenetically gabbles about how everyone is wondering where the babies are. Miranda chuckles at the self-deprecating schtick she's being treated to and suddenly realizes that everyone has a soft spot about what they perceive as the deficit in their lives.
Samantha drops by the church to make one last ditch effort to get Friar Fuck to change his mind about violating his vow of chastity. She proudly presents him with three cans of gourmet peas she's donating to the poor, then confesses that she's been having impure thoughts about him. He makes it clear that his life will never be about the joys of the flesh, gathers up the cans, and flees the pew where he was praying. Haha!
Carrie is the first to arrive at her birthday dinner at Il Cantinori. She's decked out in a red crop top with matching long skirt and voice-overs that she spent the entire day shopping...no doubt racking up more credit card debt she can't afford. When the waiter comes by to take her drink order, she requests a Shirley Temple and promises that once everyone arrives they'll be ordering lots of bubbly.
Twenty minutes later, she hears Happy Birthday being sung and smiles with excited anticipation...but her smile quickly fades when she realizes that the cake is for the woman sitting at a nearby table. To add insult to injury, the woman cackles, "Twenty five! Fuck I'm old!"
After more time passes with no one showing up for Carrie's party - bwahahaha! - the hostess comes by the table to inform Carrie that a woman baker just delivered her birthday cake and needs to be paid. Carrie glumly nods and mutters, "I'll get my purse."
After paying $70 for her own birthday cake - bwahahaha! - Carrie decided to call it a night and head home. When she accidentally steps onto a road that's in the process of being paved, she gets yelled at by a group of irate construction workers to get off their wet asphalt. Flustered, she drops the cake onto the asphalt...and the men continue to yell at her as she tries to scoop it up.
Carrie arrives home in a deep state of depression. She hits play on her answering machine, which has fourteen messages from the gals who called to tell her they're running late 'cause they're stuck in traffic. A confused Stanford left a message to inform her that he went to the wrong restaurant: El Cantinero [an awesome Mexican place near Union Square I've actually frequented on many fun occasions]. Carrie slinks into her bathroom and climbs into the shower - just as Charlotte lets herself into the apartment to forcibly take Carrie out to a coffee shop in an effort to salvage what's left of her birthday evening. When Carrie hears what she assumes is an intruder skulking about, she shrieks in terror...then wraps herself in a towel as a thick coat of eyeliner runs down her face. She wryly tells Charlotte she just aged thirty-five more years.
At the coffee shop, Carrie sadly tells the gals that as she sat alone in Il Cantinori, it hit her hard that she's thirty-five and alone. Miranda quickly retorts, "You're not alone" and Carrie breezily says, "Yeah, yeah...I know I have you guys" but acknowledges that despite the writers' best efforts to portray these over-sexed nitwits as staunchly independent women who feel empowered every time they leap into the sack with whatever random men happen to be guest starring that week, she can't deny being unbearably sad about not currently having a boyfriend in her life...much less a soulmate. Charlotte suggests that perhaps they could be each other's soulmate and that men could simply be "great guys to have fun with". Samantha gives her a wink and a nod and says, "Well...that sounds like a plan" while Carrie scrunches her face in misery and laments turning thirty-five. Samantha rolls her eyes and wearily replies, "Ah shut the fuck up. I'm a hundred and forty." Haha!
Miranda returns to her empty apartment with her sad face on...but perks up slightly when she hears her cat Fatty meowing from another room.
As Carrie walks home, she sees Big's black limo parked in front of her building. %$#@! She excitedly knocks on his window...and when he opens it, several balloons pop out, and he flashes her his ob-fucking-noxious shit eating grin and coos, "Happy birthday, baby." Carrie climbs into the limo and fake gushes about the fabulous day she had, and also how surprised she is that he went through the trouble of preparing this birthday surprise for her. As he cracks open a bottle of champagne and pours it into two plastic cups, Carrie asks him how he feels about the notion of soulmates. He mulls that over for a few seconds and says he likes the words soul and mate...then suffers a sudden brain-fart and adds, "Other than that, you got me." After Big's limo pulls away, Carrie stares after it wistfully while clutching her balloons and voice-overing that now that she has three soulmates nailed down, it'll be much easier to spot the "great guys to have fun with".
Whatever you say, Carrie.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!