Recap: Carrie is racing through the streets of Manhattan to meet up with Miranda, and she's her usual inconsiderate, tardy self. When she reaches their designated meeting spot she profusely apologizes for being ten minutes late, and Miranda's like, "That's OK, I'm three weeks late" and invokes the mercy fuck she indulged Steve with during the previous episode. She calls herself "a fucking idiot" for not using a condom - uh, d'yuh - but says she didn't think she needed to, considering Steve's uniball situation and her lazy ovary. She tells Carrie she's definitely not having it, says she hasn't told Steve about his bun being in her oven...then as an afterthought wonders if it's OK to not tell Steve about his bun being in her oven.
Charlotte is sitting on the can, visibly upset that she just got her period. She brings a box of tampons to the next brunch summit, dramatically slams it on the table, and snarks, "I'm never getting pregnant!" As Carrie and Miranda exchange alarmed, sheepish glances, Samantha irritably tells Charlotte to get her stupid box of Tampax away from her food so they can get back to some juicy brunch talk. Charlotte yammers about how she knows in her bones that the problem is her 'cause Trey's sperm checked out fine. She says they've doinked every which way in every conceivable position - visuals that perk Samantha up - then wails about how unnecessary it was in her twenties to worry so much about getting pregnant. She cries, "I could've screwed everything in sight!" and Samantha cackles, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda." Charlotte calls out all the conspiratorial glances that Carrie and Miranda have been exchanging during her rant...so a flushed Miranda prefaces her life-changing news by acknowledging that the timing of this couldn't be worse, and then announces that she got accidentally knocked up - courtesy of a mercy fuck with Steve. Charlotte is appalled that a uniball dork like Steve was able to get that job done and nonsensically wails, "How could you do this to me?!" and gets even more appalled when Miranda says that she has no intention of going through with the pregnancy 'cause a baby is not part of her life plans. She sheepishly tells her she feels awful talking about this in front of her, so Charlotte haughtily says she'll leave so they can have their abortion talk, and storms out of the restaurant. Carrie tells Miranda to ignore Charlotte's outburst and reminds her that all she ever thinks about lately is babies. Samantha concurs, calls the situation less than desirable, but that they've all been there...'cause of course they have. She admits to having two abortions, while Carrie admit to one after a reckless romp with a waiter from the Saloon. She's then careful to remind the gals that the Saloon was a very happening place in 1988, as if that's in any way relevant to her complete lack of responsibility in the birth control department.
Carrie is taking forever to get dressed while Aidan patiently waits...and she keeps looking over at him as if she wants to say something, but then stops herself and backs away from him. He stares at her in puzzlement and asks her if she's gone cuckoo [that train left the station some time ago, Aidan], so she tells him she's going to divulge a secret...and that because it's in no way her secret to divulge or any of her damn business, he has to swear on Chanel that he won't breathe a word about it to another living soul. He's like, "Yeah, whatever", so she tells him that Miranda is pregnant and about to get an abortion, and that Charlotte's upset 'cause she's been trying to have a baby for months with no success. When Aidan inquires about the baby daddy, Carrie blabs that it's Steve, and that he knows nothing about any of this. Aidan's all, "Ack!", accuses her of trapping him into this secret, and points out that Steve deserves some say about whether or not his baby gets to be born. When he laments the shit end of the stick that men get whenever this kind of thing happens, Carrie just shrugs and meekly calls it "a tough situation". Aidan asks Carrie if she's ever had an abortion, and she lies through her teeth and says, "No. God no."
Samantha and Carrie are staring through a store window at Samantha's latest object of fascination: a red Birkin. She says that despite it not being her style, she dreams about the day she can tool around town with a $4,000 handbag (!) 'cause that'll somehow be a sign that she's "made it". There is so much stupid about worshipping a designer label to the extent that someone in Samantha's income bracket would aspire to carry around a $4,000 accessory, I don't even know where to begin. Carrie tells her that she'll be accompanying Miranda to the abortion clinic, and also that she lied to Aidan's face when he point blank asked her if she's ever had one. Samantha assures her that it was the right decision, otherwise she'd have a thirteen year old brat running around now...and the two of them might never have met and become BFFs. Carrie says she never told her one night stand that he knocked her up, then laments not telling Aidan the truth. Samantha retorts by barking what the writers have made her asinine trademark phrase this episode: "Coulda, woulda, shoulda!"
Samantha meets with her newest client, Lucy Liu. When Lucy Liu tells her how much she hates it when her hangers-on lie to her, Samantha boldly tells her that the dress she wore to the last Golden Globes was a fugly disaster...then grins all smug-like when Lucy Liu applauds her honesty. After Samantha pays the restaurant bill, Lucy grabs it, looks it over, and remarks on the generous 25% tip she left the waitress. Samantha smarmily retorts, "When I'm representing you, it's class all the way."
Samantha drops by Hermès to salivate over Birkin again, and a snooty male salesclerk tells her that there's a five year waiting list. When a bewildered Samantha exclaims, "For a bag?" she's told, "It's not a bag. It's a Birkin." Samantha tells him that the Birkin would actually be for Lucy Liu, who wants to carry one at an upcoming movie premiere...and promises that it'll be photographed to death. The salesclerk perks up at that and says he'll immediately get on the horn with the Hermès press rep to inquire about letting her cut to the front of the Birkin waiting list.
Charlotte makes a doctor's appointment to look into her babymaking problems, while Miranda makes an appointment to terminate her unwanted pregnancy. Ah, the sad irony.
Samantha is ambling down a city street when she spots a sloppy looking woman in a track suit carrying a red Birkin. Or, at the very least, a convincing knock-off. Samantha impulsively pulls out her cell phone to call the Hermès press rep to bitchily ask "how the fuck long" Lucy Liu has to wait for her Birkin. She drops a few more f-bombs on the rep before smarmily ending the call with, "Thank you so much." If your livelihood is PR in New York, is it really a good idea to piss off the Hermès press rep?
Carrie arrives home decked out in the stupidest outfit she's worn to date on the series, which means it's easily one of the stupidest outfits that anyone's ever worn on TV: an ultra short schoolgirl skirt, a white sleeveless shirt, chunky pearls around her neck, socks halfway up to her knees, and stilettos. She's startled by Steve, who has stopped by the apartment with Aidan for a bathroom break while shooting hoops in a nearby park. Steve asks Carrie how Miranda's doing and glumly says she hasn't returned any of his phone calls. Carrie does her best not to look guilty of any inside knowledge and tells him that Miranda is doing great, then dashes into the bathroom where Aidan is washing his hands. She tells him that Steve is asking about Miranda, then asks if he blabbed anything to him about the baby. Aidan says that, unlike her, he knows how to keep his mouth shut - but adds that he thinks the situation is very shitty and that Steve deserves to know he's a baby daddy. Carrie suddenly worries that Steve could be eavesdropping on them and bitchily sends Aidan on his way to go shoot some more hoops.
While out for pizza, Miranda tells Carrie that her doctor doesn't perform abortions (and chirped, "No judgement!") which means she'll have to go to a different clinic. Carrie asks her if she's planning on telling Steve about any of this, and Miranda's like, "Uh, no..?" so Carrie 'fesses up about blabbing her secret to Aidan. Miranda's all, "Wha-a?!" and is irked that she now has to think about the shitty thing she's doing to Steve (along with the unborn). She asks Carrie if she ever told the Saloon guy that he impregnated her, and Carrie says that that was a totally different situation - plus they barely knew each other. Miranda says she's pretty sure that Steve would want her to have the baby...then self-piteously exclaims, "Forget my life - I'm having Steve's baby! Pizza for everybody!" Hmm...pizza. I could definitely use a slice of that deliciousness right now.
Charlotte and Trey are at the doctor's office, getting the results of Charlotte's fertility testing...and it's not good. Turns out her blood and mucus tests reveal high levels of anti-sperm antibodies, which will make it difficult for Trey's Scottish sperm to take root. The doctor recommends that they explore in vitro asap. Or bicker about their barren marriage to the point of divorce.
Charlotte is despondently walking down the street when she spots Miranda and abruptly changes direction. When Miranda calls her out on her bitchitude, she tearfully tells her she was just at the doctor's and learned that her body is "attacking Trey's sperm", and that she only has a 15% chance of ever getting pregnant. She adds that she's too sad and miserable to talk about it anymore and just wants to amble home by herself. Miranda offers to walk behind her in case she changes her mind about wanting to talk, then trails behind her all the way to Park Avenue, which I'm sure the writers intended to be sweet and reassuring...but it just seemed weird and intrusive.
Lucy Liu meets up with Samantha, and she's clutching the red Birkin that Samantha bullied the Hermès press rep into producing. Lucy Liu tells her that this "freebie" isn't really her style - and Samantha refrains from squealing excitedly and explains that it's actually not a freebie, since she shelled out $4,000 for the dumb thing, and admits to dropping her name in order to cut to the front of the queue. Lucy Liu looks less than impressed, tells her she got an earful from the Hermès rep about all the f-bombs she dropped on her over the phone, and fires her. Samantha tries to chalk up the expletives to street noise - but Lucy Liu calls her a bad liar, and then she and Birkin storm out of the diner, never to be seen again.
Carrie travels back in time to "a familiar crossroads" (aka the Saloon) looking her Southern Belle best in a white sundress and carrying a lacy white parasol. Did we suddenly get transported to Savannah? Who the hell carries a parasol in Manhattan? When she reaches the Saloon, she voice-overs that it hadn't changed at all - and that Chad, the one night stand waiter who knocked her up, was still a waiter there...which seems a bit depressing and sad. When he strolls over to take her order, she grins at him stupidly and goes, "Well, hello there!" and he responds by listing the soups of the day. LOL. Miffed, she says, "It's me, Carrie" and tells him that they "hung out" together one drunken night at the Tunnel thirteen years ago. He just continues to stare at her blankly and says he's never been to Tunnel. Bwahahahahaha!! Visibly embarrassed that he has no recollection whatsoever of the two of them bumping uglies, Carrie orders something random off the menu, so Chad throws her a bone and asks, "Was I at least smart enough to try something?" and Carrie fibs and says nope, and that he was the perfect gentleman. After he ambles off, she pays for her uneaten meal, decides she made the right decision about getting that abortion, and slinks out of the restaurant.
Carrie is with Miranda at the abortion clinic, helping her fill out the paperwork. Miranda asks her if the procedure hurts, and Carrie says it doesn't and that it's mostly just unpleasant. Miranda asks her how long it'll take her to feel normal again...and Carrie stares sadly into space for a few seconds, pretending as though her long forgotten abortion has been plaguing her for the last thirteen years, and says, "Any day now." Miranda asks her if she's doing the right thing - but Carrie says she can't possibly answer that for her. Miranda starts to doubt her decision, then wonders what will happen if she wakes up a few years down the road and learns that she can't have anymore kids. She stares miserably at Carrie and asks, "Is this my baby?" just as the nurse calls her name. She scrunches her face in frustration, snaps, "Motherfucker!", and follows the nurse to the exam room.
Later, the gigolas meet up at Miranda's apartment. Charlotte arrives bearing flowers as Carrie cuts up the lemon strudel she brought over. Miranda tells Charlotte that she's pretty freaked out...then breaks the news that she didn't go through with the abortion and has decided to keep the baby. Charlotte looks shocked and goes, "Oh my God" - and the gals eye her warily 'cause they're not sure which way she's going to go with her reaction - but when she happily squeals, "We're having a baby!" everyone chuckles with relief as Carrie parcels out pieces of strudel.
Carrie is, as usual, ten minutes late meeting Aidan at a fancy restaurant...and because of her tardiness they're put on a long waiting list for a table. When they go outside to wait, she tells him the truth about getting knocked up thirteen years ago. She starts off by fibbing about how the condom broke - but then stops herself and admits that, nope, there was no condom, and that she was twenty-two and should have known better. No shit, dumbass. Aidan is his usual kind, non-judgey self and says that he too is no angel...and when Carrie anxiously asks him if she's still his girl, he's like, "Oh yeahhhhh." Poor, hopeless sap. She then blabs to him about Miranda's decision to keep the baby - but that he can't tell Steve, then and pronounces, "It's not our business". No shit, dumbass.