Recap: The gals (minus Charlotte) are hanging at a pool hall with Aidan and Steve, celebrating the removal of Steve's diseased ball and subsequent remission from testicular cancer. It's Samantha's turn with the pool cue, and she's laying it on thick about how she only has one ball left to pocket - "It all comes down to just one little ball!" - and this causes Steve to stare sadly into space about his nut sack now being one testicle short. During a pause in the game, Miranda and Carrie discreetly tell Samantha to lay off the "one ball" talk...and Samantha sheepishly apologizes for not being more sensitive. Miranda asks Aidan what the big deal is about having only one ball, and he suggests that it might make Steve feel like less than a man. Samantha offers her expertise in the area and says that a lot of men are very much into their balls - and is about to tell the story about how she was barely able to stuff a particularly well-endowed man's balls in her mouth when Carrie orders her to shut it. One of Samantha's former fuck buddies (who she can't even vaguely remember) named Allan Jannis saunters over to brag to Samantha about how he was the architect who designed Richard Wright's newest hotel. Samantha perks up at that and says she'd be interested in doing the hotel's PR and asks Allan to get her a meeting with Wright, and he promises to do what he can. Over on Park Avenue, Charlotte and Trey are having moo shu takeout for dinner when Charlotte mentions that her doctor suggested he get his sperm checked. Trey haughtily snaps, "I'm eating", points out that they've only been babymaking for a few months, then asks her why she's assuming that his sperm is the source of their fertility problems. Charlotte says she's not assuming that; it's just easier to test the sperm. Trey whines that all this talk of sperm has ruined his appetite, then throws down his napkin and storms away from the table like the uptight little bitch he is.
Carrie and Aidan are standing in front of her bathroom sink in their ratty looking underwear, brushing their teeth and discussing the pleasures of ball tugging. Carrie reaches out her hand in a cupping motion - but Aidan cringes and then doesn't let her hand near his crotch. As the two giggle at their silliness, the phone rings...and Aidan greets the caller with, "Bradshaw House of Pain. How can we hurt you?" but loses his humor once he realizes that Mr. Big is on the other end. He mutely hands the receiver to Carrie, who quickly tells Big it's not a good time 'cause she and Aidan are about to go to bed. Big doesn't care and starting moaning about how Willow Summers is fucking with his head - so Carrie discreetly tells Aidan that the oaf is having girlfriend problems and that she'll take the call in the other room. Big complains that Willow never answers his calls or returns his messages, then says, "She can reach me, but I can't ever get her!" and repeats that for unnecessary added emphasis. He says the problems all started after he flew to L.A. in order to take Willow to some MTV event, where she summarily 'dissed him. He plays the most recent phone message she left for him, in which she sings I'm In a New York State of Mind. After Carrie abruptly ends the call, Aidan asks her why she felt it necessary to take the phone into the other room...so she tells him she knows it makes him uncomfortable when her ex-lover calls and that she doesn't want him to feel threatened. Aidan assures her he's not threatened by that jerk and pronounces, "I can take him." He then compares himself and Mr. Big to the Green Hornet and Batman, and gabbles about how the Green Hornet is the superior of the two superheroes 'cause he has the moves. Plus he has Pete - who's like Kato - and Carrie looks on with dismay as Aidan and Pete start chasing each other around the apartment. At brunch, Carrie tells the gals about Aidan's superhero analogy and says she hopes that he fully gets that he has nothing to worry about where Big is concerned...since, no doubt, it's always going to be in the back of his mind that she's a shameless cheater who jumped in the sack with Big while they were supposedly in a relationship. She wonders aloud if it might be a good idea for the three of them to get together so that Aidan could see for himself how much she loves him, and that she and Big are nothing more than friends (er, future spouses). The gals don't think that that's a good idea at all, and Samantha cautions, "These are guys. They don't talk, they fight." Charlotte changes the subject and tells the gals that Trey's sperm is being tested for its potency, and that he got all pissy when she brought it up during dinner. She says she's never seen this haughty side of him before (uh, yes she has), so Miranda reminds her that anything resembling criticism of "that area" is a minefield. Carrie heads back to her apartment to ponder the neuroses of her male friends while she taps out her weekly dreck. She concludes that men and women are probably not so different that they're from different planets, but goes a bridge too far when she wonders aloud, "Are men just women with balls?" Nope. They're men. Who, unlike women, are born with testicles. As Miranda and Steve amble along the street together, Steve bellyaches about his missing ball and says he's toying with the idea of filling the newly created vacancy in his nut sack with a prosthetic. Miranda assures him that women don't actually give much thought to men's balls - but Steve says he can't help but be bothered by his deficiency and that he now feels lopsided. He made an appointment with a doctor to see about getting a prosthetic and wants Miranda to come along for moral support. Samantha is in a meeting with hotel magnate Richard Wright - played by actor James Remar, who I've always thought looks uncannily like Michael York. He glances at Samantha's resume of parties and social events and disparagingly calls it fluff, and Samantha sassily retorts, "What is it that you do in your hotels? Nuclear fission?" He admits to being intrigued by her [lack of style, class, or substance], then says he's been talking to another PR rep, Brad Rosen, who he's pretty much decided to hire. He suggests that she partner with Brad and share the workload...then makes it clear that her working alongside a man, i.e. "a partner who isn't so emotional", is the only way he'd ever consider putting a woman [with her low level of sophistication] on his PR payroll.
At the next brunch summit, Samantha rails to the gigolas about Richard Wright's criticism of women being overly emotional, which is code for I don't want to hire a woman. Though it could also have been code for I don't want to hire an unclassy cougar who thinks about sex 24/7. Miranda says her law firm is like that, and that everyone's always worried that a woman is going to cry over a legal brief. Charlotte says she cried at the gallery once in ten years and no one ever let her forget it...and then Carrie cackles about how she once fake cried to her editor when she missed a deadline 'cause she was partying too hard in the Hamptons. The four complain about being regarded as too emotional just 'cause they're women, and Miranda theorizes in her usual blanket statement kind of way that men who are threatened by strong businesswomen write them off as emotional. Samantha decides that she's going to demand a second meeting with Richard Wright...and that by the time she's convinced him how awesome she is at PR, he'll be begging her to take the job. Apropos of nothing, Carrie tells the gals that she's planning to spend the weekend with Aidan in the country. Meaning Suffern. Which I wouldn't classify as "the country" so much as a bedroom community located less than an hour outside of Manhattan. Carrie is relaxing inside the Suffern cabin, reading InStyle - which, not coincidentally, features Willow Summers on the cover. A few seconds later, Big calls and says he got this number off of her answering machine...so Carrie explains that she and Aidan are spending a long weekend upstate. He tells her that Willow broke things off and said she never wants to see him again...and that he can't even get an adequate explanation for her change of heart 'cause she won't return any of his calls. He once again says, "She can reach me, but I can't get her" which...OK, we get it, Big. It's a cruel, one way communication system that the writers for some reason have decided is funny for you to repeat half a dozen times in the same episode. Carrie stares at the InStyle cover photo and remarks on how Willow has the eyes of a crazy person, and Big moans about what a chump he is for letting Willow break his heart. He sounds despondent when Carrie tells him she won't be back in the city until Monday, so she extends a half-hearted invitation for him to drive up to Suffern for a heart-to-heart, but then thinks better of it and tries to dissuade him by telling him what an unbearably looooong drive from Manhattan it is. Big perks up at the idea of dusting off his Jag and going for a ride, and pauses the call to get a pen and paper so he can write down directions to the cabin. Aidan asks Carrie who she was talking to on the phone just now, and she sheepishly says, "Batman" and that he'll be dropping by to commiserate with her about his heartbreak over Willow Summers. When Aidan shoots her a WTF? look, she says she accidentally invited him to drive up 'cause she felt bad about him being so brokenhearted. She shoves her foot in her mouth when she stupidly asks Aidan if a girl has ever broken his heart...and after he shoots her a mute stink-eye, he makes it clear that he doesn't want that philandering douche in his house. Carrie says they're just going to have a quick talk, and after that he'll head straight back to the city. She gives him a from-behind hug and coos, "You're my man. And I love you" and says she's only indulging Batman 'cause he's a friend who's badly hurting. Aidan snarls, "He'd better be fucking upset when he gets here" then remarks on the ginormous balls he has in coming onto his turf.
Steve and Miranda are in the doctor's office, looking over the sample testicle prosthetics. The doctor says that the balls come in four sizes, so Miranda suggests that Steve try the medium - but he stares back at her with a hurt expression and says he was more thinking he was a large. The doctor informs Steve that the ball implant surgery is part of a clinical trial 'cause the prosthetics are still being tested for safety. Miranda looks alarmed and says no, reminds him about the false safety claims of the Ford Pinto, and forbids Steve from going the implant route. Trey is having difficulty getting it up in order to give the fertility doctor a sample of his sperm, so Charlotte comes to the rescue with a stack of Juggs magazines. He tells her he's so distracted 'cause he can't handle having being told he has yet another problem in his nether regions - but Charlotte assures him that she's sure the tests will conclude that he's got very strong Scottish sperm...then reaches down to give his balls a little tug. Trey perks up at the pleasurable stimulation, grabs the sample cup, and we later learn that his sperm turned out to be potent and plentiful. Fantastic. Richard Wright concedes to Samantha that it turns out she is the best person to be his PR rep - but that he still won't hire her. When Samantha presses him for a reason, he says it's 'cause she slept with his architect...along with more than half of the male population in Manhattan. Samantha gets indignant and says she slept with that flunky years ago, then unhelpfully snaps, "I barely know the guy!" She tells him that for a man with such an innovative vision he's very short-sighted, then gets up and storms towards the elevators. She struggles to keep herself from bursting into tears as Richard follows her, calling her name...and makes it behind the closed elevator doors seconds before the tears start spilling. Somehow, her outburst impressed Richard so much that he hired her the next day, and expressed his deep admiration for her balls. Mr. Big arrives at the Suffern cabin after dark, in the rain. Carrie runs over to his car and climbs into the passenger seat, and Big suggests they go somewhere for a drink. Carrie says that Suffern doesn't have any kind of watering hole (which I find impossible to believe) and invites him to come inside. Big makes a face and says he can't possibly talk about his contrived lady problems in front of Aidan, but Carrie's like, "Yes, you can. And you'd better." An hour later, Big is sitting inside the cabin, rambling incoherently about his Willow heartbreak while guzzling wine...and Aidan looks less than impressed. Big pulls out a cigarette - but Carrie stops him and says he's not allowed to light up inside the cabin. Big decides he's ready to head home, but it's obvious he can't move about without drunkenly stumbling around. Carrie tells Aidan they can't let him drive in this condition, so an irked Aidan gathers some bedding, throws it at Big, and barks at him to sleep on the couch. Miranda and Steve stop in at her apartment so she can give him the book A Positive Outlook to Healing. When Steve just kind of grunts disinterestedly, Miranda snarls that she's starting to hit her limit with his mopy-ness. He sadly explains that he was really counting on getting a prosthetic ball to fill his void down there, then mumbles, "Who's going to fuck a uniball bartender?" Miranda takes that as a personal challenge and unzips his fly...and the two start going at it atop her bed. Early the next morning, Aidan is bouncing a basketball against the cabin's exterior wall, all passive-aggressive-like to make it clear how annoyed he is at Big's presence in his cabin. A hungover Big wakes up and moans, "What's that pounding?" so Carrie tells him that Aidan is pretending to shoot hoops, and that he needs to go outside and make friends with him. Big dismissively says they're middle-aged men who have nothing in common - but Carrie points out that since she's ridden both of their baloney ponies, they have her in common. And that if he doesn't make an effort, she won't be able to stay in his life. Big stumbles outside and apologizes to Aidan about getting drunk and rambling incoherently all evening about his broken heart. When he suggests they shoot some hoops, Aidan dribbles the ball in the mud for a few seconds, then throws it hard at Big. After Big makes the shot, Aidan grabs the ball, dribbles it in mud again, and throws it at him...and when Big throws it back at him, the two lunge at each other and start rolling around in the mud. Carrie goes outside to see what all the commotion is about and shrieks, "Stop it! You're middle-aged!" but the fighting continues until Pete gets in on the action and bites Big on the ass. Yay Pete! Aidan and Big shower, change into clean clothes, and sit across from each other at the breakfast table. Big tells Aidan that Willow could always reach him, but that he could never get her...and Aidan looks entranced by the overplayed conundrum and is all, "Whoa, dude. That's fucked up" while Carrie reads her InStyle magazine and looks on in smug amusement. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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