Recap: Carrie and Big are rendezvousing in a fancy hotel room, drinking champagne on ice and feeding each other strawberries...but as their shitty affair drags on, the venues get progressively less ritzy until they end up in a seedy dive eating crackers and drinking tepid water out of plastic cups. Carrie whines about how hot the room is, then explains that she only chose the dump because of its "safe" location: the intersection of 56th St/8th Ave, aka where no one knows them. Big grumbles that he doesn't give a fuck who sees them together, and Carrie retorts, "Do you want people to get hurt?" Big complains about the funky smell in the room, and Carrie leans toward him, murmurs, "Hey.." and gives him a smooch...but then pulls away and complains again about the oppressive heat. Big gets irritable and snaps, "What are you, saving it for your boyfriend?" ... and Carrie barks, "You don't talk to me that way!" and Big contritely apologizes. Carrie then stares at him mournfully and looks faux bewildered as she asks, "How did we get here? Who are we?" OMFG. The balls on this idiot. Let's see...you "got here" because you both made the conscious decision to clandestinely meet in hotel rooms so you could repeatedly have sex with each other behind your partners' backs...which, by definition, makes both of you slimy douchebags of the highest order and utterly devoid of human decency.
At a Manhattan bar, Carrie puffs on a cigarette and confesses to Miranda that she's having an affair with Big. Miranda gasps in horror and says her heart just stopped...then asks Carrie for a cigarette so that she too can puff away while processing the disturbing news. Carrie hands her one, lights it for her, and asks, "Do you hate meeee?" ... and Miranda assures her she doesn't hate her [well, d'yuh...it's not Miranda she's cheating on], and Carrie moans about how much she hates herself (as well she should) for not having the moral fortitude to end the shitty affair. She orders Miranda to say something that will yank her out of it, so Miranda asks, "What about Aidan?" Carrie nods and murmurs, "Right...what about Aidan..." and contorts her horsey face into a look of faux regret. She then says she's mostly worried that Big is going to confess the affair to Natasha, then wails about The Big Mess she has deliberately entangled herself into. Miranda goes, "What did you think would happen?" and Carrie says she wasn't thinking - she just leaped into the sack with the dolt, and now fears that their coupling will never be the great romance she's been building up in her mind...and wonders if Big is only doinking her 'cause she's not as available and needy as she was last season. Miranda's like, "Fuck Big, what do you want?" and Carrie says she wants everyone to emerge unscathed from the adulterous cesspool she and Big have created. Miranda tells her that that's not very realistic and sternly orders her to Just. Stop. Fucking. Big. Carrie weakly promises she'll stop...just as soon as Natasha catches her in her apartment and blows the whole ugly thing wide open. [Oops, spoiler]
Samantha is in a new bar, strutting around in her usual see-through skank-wear and stilettos as she surveys all the fuckable men who haven't yet gotten around to boning her. She suddenly spots Tom Reymi, who is apparently something of a Manhattan legend in the sack - in other words: the male version of Samantha. Gross. Tom notices her come hither leering and approaches her at the bar. She coos, "It's about time we met", and he tells her he's well aware of her reputation, then skips any further pleasantries and blurts out, "Wanna fuck?" In the the next scene, the two are urgently dry humping in his apartment. He asks her if she swings - meaning have sex while entwined with a man on an actual swing - then ushers her over to his bedroom to show her the leather swing he has nailed to the ceiling. She squeals, "Oh my! So Cirque du Soleil!" but Tom halts the canoodling to ask her when she was last tested for AIDS. He says he got tested three weeks ago...and Samantha confesses that she's never been tested (holy fucking crap!), but insists she's very healthy. Tom clucks with disappointment and says he can't fuck her or munch on her naughties the way he wants unless he's sure it's safe, then urges her to get tested so she can experience his penis' superb penetration techniques, which she'll find more than measures up to the hype.
At brunch the next day, Charlotte plunks down a pile of bridal catalogues on the table and tells the gals she's inserted post-its on pages where she's found gowns she kinda likes, kinda really likes, and doesn't know if she likes. A disinterested Samantha blurts out, "Have you all had an AIDS test?" then explains that she's hoping to hook up with her slutty male counterpart - but he refuses to hit the sheets (or swing) with her until she gets a clean bill of health. A dismayed Charlotte primly tells her they're looking at bridal gowns now and shouldn't be sullying the occasion by talking about AIDS or swing sex. Carrie, meanwhile, is suitably aghast that a used up old whore like Samantha has never been tested for AIDS and says she's been tested twice...and Miranda chimes in and says she's undergone the test three times. Samantha says she always practices safe sex, but is terrified of what diseases might be lurking in her well worn cootch. Miranda says the hardest part is sitting in the waiting room, hoping like hell the nurse doesn't motion you over to the little room to give the devastating news. Charlotte gets snarky at the gals' total lack of interest in her bridal gown woes, and wails, "I need help!" Samantha tells her to chill the fuck out and hire a stylist to run around town and help her with her wedding gown shopping. Charlotte perks up at that and goes, "I can hire someone to do that for me?" and Samantha nods and promises to fax her some names.
Carrie is back in her apartment, tapping out her weekly instalment of raunch and blathering about the health and emotional consequences of indulging in unsafe sexual behavior. It remains a mystery how this column earns her anything resembling a living wage.
Miranda walks past a guy who's dressed in a Blimpie's sandwich suit and handing out flyers. Miranda takes a flyer...but when she hears him mutter, "Eat me", she whirls around and snaps, "Excuse me?" then thrusts the flyer back at him and storms off. Seems like the start of a subplot that would have been better left on the cutting room floor.
Charlotte has hired a bitchy gay wedding stylist named Anthony Marentino, and the two are at Vera Wang to peruse gowns. When the salesgirl runs behind schedule, he storms around the store yelling, "Hello?! Someone..?! Let's go!" and Charlotte smiles at him adoringly while Carrie voice-overs that Anthony was like the pushy Italian mother she never had. A few seconds later, the salesgirl wheels in a rack of identical looking gowns...and Charlotte makes blech faces at all of them. Anthony barks, "Hates it!" then orders her to bring in something more fetching. Charlotte tells him she doesn't want the salesgirl to think she's a bitch...but it's crucial that she find the perfect gown, since she's been fantasizing about her wedding day ever since she was a little girl. Anthony breezily tells her he's heard this cliche bullback from brides who desperately want to be a princess for a day a thousand times before, and assures her that she'll know the right dress when she sees it. Cue the salesgirl, who wheels in another rack of gowns. She holds one up in the air, and Charlotte gasps, clutches Anthony's hand and moans, "Anthony.." and somehow decides, without trying it on, that it's the one. As completely implausible as I could argue that is, I'm down with whatever speeds along Charlotte's wedding gown selection process.
Samantha is at the clinic for her AIDS test, and is being questioned by the nurse about her sexual history. The nurse asks her if she has sex, anal sex, gives and receives oral sex, and Samantha's like, "Yes, yes, yes, yes." When the nurse asks her how many partners she's had, Samantha zones out as she starts counting, then pauses to ask, "This year?" 'cause, yeah, Samantha having sex with a different man every other night is such a hilarious Sex and the City schtick.
Carrie and Aidan are going at it in her bed...and she gets annoyed at him for making a throaty mmm sound. He promises not to do it anymore, but she pushes him away and says she's just not into it. Aidan leaps out of bed and gets dressed, and Carrie - who, for some reason, is wearing a tank top and men's underwear - moans about how she's in "a weird place" and promises to be out of the funk soon. He's like, "OK, whatevs" and says he's going to his apartment [to take a much needed break from her], and that he'll call her tomorrow. She tries to backpedal her bitchitude by asking him to make the mmm sound, and he obliges, kisses her goodbye, and heads out.
Miranda walks past Blimpie's again and once again hears the person inside the sandwich suit mutter, "Eat me." Miranda glares at him, snarls, "We'll see about that!" and storms into the restaurant to bitchily seek out the manager. She complains that his employee is muttering explicit things like eat me...and the manager stares at her blankly and points out, "He's a sandwich." Miranda bellows, "He didn't say it in the sandwich way, he said it in the sexual harassing way" - but when the manager continues to just stare at her blankly, she storms out of the restaurant to give her harasser the what-for. She stops short when she catches a glimpse of his lips and teeth and does a complete, 180 reversal from what she was complaining about less than a minute earlier and finds herself wondering about the man inside the bun. Later, she calls Carrie and says she's intrigued by the sandwich man, particularly the sexy way he uttered, "Eat me" ... and Carrie changes the subject to herself and moans about her shitty affair with Big.
Samantha is back in the clinic, awaiting the results of her AIDS test. The nurse appears and motions her to follow her into her office...and Samantha gets so terrified that the countless, indiscriminate sexual encounters she's had over the years have finally caught up to her that she faints and collapses onto the floor. Carrie voice-overs that Samantha turned out to be perfectly healthy...the nurse just wanted to lecture her on the dangers of whoring around at such a frenetic pace.
Carrie is milling around the lobby of a hotel when a Japanese businessman approaches her, says he's seen her a few times here before, and asks, "How much for sex?" Bwahaha! Can't blame the horny man for making a reasonable assumption. Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" and storms over to Big and tells him she's outa here 'cause a Japanese man just mistook her for a hooker. Carrie rushes outside and happens to run into Charlotte, who gabbles about how she was at a nearby tailor's shop discussing the cobbling together of her wedding gown. A few seconds later, Big runs out of the hotel calling out, "Carrie!" and Charlotte stares at the two in confusion...then brazen disgust. Big makes up a lame story about how he just happened to bump into Carrie at this hotel, but Charlotte hastily excuses herself and flees the awkward encounter.
Later, Carrie is over at Charlotte's apartment, helping her pack and confessing to her shitty affair with Big. Charlotte admonishes her for being the other woman, and Carrie get irked and snaps, "I feel bad enough already!" and Charlotte snaps back, "Good!" and tells her to think about how Big's wife would feel if she found out they've been doinking behind her back. Carrie says she thinks about that all the time, and Charlotte angrily retorts, "No you don't! You think about what would happen to you" and points out that Carrie knows virtually nothing about Natasha and just disdainfully regards her as "the idiot wife". She then asks her what she'd do if someone did this to her [LOL...that would entail someone voluntarily doinking Trey], and Carrie shamefully says, "I would kill them" and assures Charlotte she's quitting the affair. At some point. Maybe.
A week later, Miranda heads back to Blimpie's to see about the man sandwich. When he once again says, "Eat me", Miranda softly asks him to let her see his face...so he takes off the mask and unveils a boyish face and shaggy hairdo. An unimpressed Miranda gives him a curt nod, decides that a lawyer and a man sandwich have absolutely nothing in common, and strolls off. And thankfully, that's the end of that.
Samantha and Tom are enjoying a swingingly good time...and they go at it so hard that the giant screw holding up the swing on the ceiling comes loose, and the two fall to the floor.
Carrie and Big are wrapping up a nooner in his apartment while Natasha suns herself in the Hamptons...and Carrie voice-overs about how their abominable behavior was "the lowest of the low", which is probably the biggest understatement in the history of understatements. She whines, "Could I feel anymore like a hooker?" and Big tells her to stop torturing herself this way, and glosses over the supreme shittiness of doinking the skank in the very bed he shares with his wife. Carrie says they really really need to stop seeing each other...and when he stupidly goes, "Why?", she grabs his ring finger and reminds him he's fucking married. Big offers to call Natasha and tell her they're through - but Carrie stops him and asks him if this means they'll be together for real. Big wisely avoids that can of worms, holds up the phone receiver, and asks, "In or out?" and Carrie chickens out and says she needs more time. Big says he's definitely dumping Natasha on Monday, then says he's going back to the office and that she can let herself out.
Carrie showers, then wanders around Big's kitchen while half dressed, glancing at all the knick-knacks and photos pasted on the fridge. She suddenly hears Natasha enter the apartment and call out, "Honey?" ... and Carrie, in her panic to flee, bumps into a kitchen chair while grabbing her shirt. Natasha hears the clatter and rushes over to the kitchen looking suspicious. Carrie sneaks out a [handily located] back door that leads to an external staircase, but Natasha is close behind and cries, "Carrie! I see you!" and orders her to stop. Carrie continues running while Natasha gabbles about how she's been onto the affair from the start...then stumbles on the staircase, falls down, and knocks out a tooth. Yeech. Carrie rushes over and helps her up, flags down a cab, and escorts her to the nearest hospital.
Carrie is sitting in the hospital waiting room when Big arrives. She tells him that Natasha lost a tooth and got a stitch in her lip...and, in general, is scared and swollen. Big thanks her for getting his wife to the hospital and promises to call - but Carrie firmly says no to that and miserably tells him they're so over they "need a new word for over" [how about: done, depleted, terminated, drained, finito]. She heads toward the exit...and when Big calls out her name, she turns around and stretches out her arms as if to say, "Whaddya gonna do?"
Aidan is waiting for her in her apartment and asks her where she's been all day, and she fibs and says she spent the day wandering around, ambling through museums. She then makes a beeline to the bathroom, runs the water, and stares at her ugly mug in the mirror. She then sadly voice-overs, with a strange dash of triumph in her voice, "Somehow I had found a way to let myself out of the mess and I’d made it home" ... and if by let myself out of the mess she means that Natasha blew the shitty affair apart when she found Carrie lingering in her home after indulging in a nooner with her husband, then yeah, Carrie let herself out of the mess.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!