"Pacific Princess Overtures / Cabin Fever / Gopher, The Rebel"
Original airdate: 5/19/1978
Episode summary: A philanderer is reluctant to be seen in public with his mistress for fear of running into his nosy neighbor. A Japanese industrialist pressures his salesman to make a big acquisition. Gopher is fired when he takes the advice of a pretty young woman who urges him to not take any crap from Captain Stubing.
Recap: Gopher grumbles to his co-workers about how hard Captain Stubing is always riding him, and bets each of them $50 that he's going to yell at him at least twenty times during this cruise. Isaac, Doc, and Julie accept that wager - just as Captain Stubing appears at the top of a stairwell and snarls, "Gopher!", and Gopher wearily tallies, "That's one."
Lee Graham tells his wife Laraine that there's no reason for her to accompany him on the cruise 'cause it's a work trip and he's going to [pretend to] be way too busy with meetings and whatnot to spend a single minute with her. He promises that they'll discuss their need to get away together after the cruise, then disappears inside the port entrance. A few seconds later, a couple (Cora and Herman Bass) who are about to board The Love Boat and who live in the same building as Laraine and Lee excitedly make a beeline over to Laraine to yammer about how much fun they're all going to have on the cruise. Laraine explains to Cora that she's not vacationing with Lee 'cause he's going to be very busy researching a new ad campaign for the ship line. Cora chucklingly says she'd never let Herman outa her sight...then looks around for her mutely dimwitted husband, who has wandered off to where a pretty woman is standing so that he can creepishly ogle her up close. Cora tells Laraine she'd be more than happy to keep a watchful eye on Lee during the cruise, then tells Herman to put his eyes back in his head and toddle behind her as she boards the ship.
Captain Stubing greets Mr. Yamashiro, a well known industrialist from Japan, and assures him that the entire crew will be available to slavishly respond to his every whim. Mr. Yamashiro tells his translator and American sales manager, a dullard named Ken Davis, that he needs to close the deal with Mrs. Newman - otherwise he'll be shamed, demoted, and eventually fired.
Doc greets two attractive, middle-aged women: Eve Culbert and her sister-in-law, Ruth Newman. Eve tells Doc that she recently divorced and is ready to leap into the dating pool - to which Doc chirps, "Me too!" - whereas Ruth is recently widowed and is kind of a wet blanket who has zero desire to date anyone.
Vanessa Summerhill boards the ship with her father, Slade, and grumbles about how bourgeois it is and that she haaaaates the idea of languishing in this kind of luxury while so many people around the world have to suffer in poverty. Slade assures his daughter that she'll enjoy the cruise, and that he looks forward to finally being able to spend some quality time with her. A few seconds later, Julie bounds over to chirpily greet them, and lists the various activities she has planned for everyone aboard...and when Vanessa primly says she's primarily interested in cultural events, Julie directs her to the reception desk (aka where Gopher's standing) to pick up some information pamphlets. Slade scrunches his face concernedly when he sees Vanessa and Gopher chatting it up and snootily asks Julie who that "deck hand" is, so Julie informs him that, as the ship's Assistant Purser, he's several levels above being a deck hand.
Gopher tells Vanessa that the ship has a great library - just as Captain Stubing growls, "Gopher!" and then pulls him aside to admonish him for focusing too much on the pretty passengers and not helping Julie board the uglier of the masses. Gopher snivels, "Yes sir", then covertly tells Julie, "That's two" and points out that the ship hasn't even left port yet.
Lee enters his cabin and finds a sexy young woman (Andrea Martin) lounging atop the bed. He looks faux shocked and tells her that this is his cabin - but she adamantly refuses to leave...and when he asks her what they're going to do about it, she grinningly replies, "I guess we'll just have to make the best of it." He cackles and runs over to the bed and gives his mistress (!) a squeeze hello. Andrea tells him she's sooooo excited to finally get to be more public with their relationship, and he agrees that the habit of them skulking around hotels has gotten stale.
Ken tells Mr. Yamashiro he'd love it if he would take a look at his invention (still in development), but Mr. Yamashiro tells him that he needs to spend his time focusing on his job, or be ready to join the unemployment line. He orders Ken to come up with a way to convince Mrs. Newman to sell her late husband's company, Electronics Factory, 'cause he's sick and tired of taking no for an answer. He suggests making an offer "she can't excuse", and when Ken's like, "Refuse", Mr. Yamashiro snarls, "You refuse..?" Ken hastily explains that he was merely correcting his English, informs him that Ruth Newman is currently a passenger aboard the ship, and reminds him that they've already offered her $1.5 million to acquire her company. Mr. Yamashiro orders him to sweeten the offer by throwing in a color TV, then laughs aloud at his wit...and when Ken nervously chuckles along, Mr. Yamashiro snarlingly tells him to make the deal or he'll be laughing all the way to the poor house.
Ruth wanders over and greets Mr. Yamashiro, referring to him as "the man who wants to buy the United States" ... and when he offers to buy her a drink, she declines and snippily remarks that she doesn't believe it was a pure coincidence that he and his flunky just happened to show up on the same cruise as her. After she stalks off, Mr. Yamashiro tells Ken to use "little sex" while convincing Ruth to sell Electronics Factory, and cacklingly adds that he heard all about his "black belt in hanky panky".
Vanessa tells her father she finds this whole cruise gross, particularly the stupid amount of money he spent on their tickets. Slade points out that he didn't actually earn the money he shelled out for the vacay, but rather inherited it from his deodorant company owning uncle, who amassed his fortune largely on the backs of poor working people. [It remains unclear why that's less gross than if he had earned his own fortune.] A few seconds later, Gopher stops by to say hey, and Slade rudely snarls, "Good bye" and tells his daughter she can do far better than this deck hand. Vanessa says she looooves that Gopher earns his keep, then abruptly shuts out her father by closing her eyes and meditating.
Lee and Andrea are toasting each other at the bar when Cora and Herman wander over to say hello. Cora motions at Andrea and asks Lee about his "lady friend", and Lee acknowledges that, yeah, she's a lady - but she isn't actually his friend, and pretends as though they just met...and Andrea politely introduces herself and plays along while grimacing unhappily. Cora tells Lee that they ran into Laraine before boarding the ship and glowingly describes her as "salt of the earth". Lee tells Cora that this cruise is really a business trip, and Cora says she's determined to make it her business to ensure that he doesn't work too hard...then offers to tour the ship with him while dismissively telling Andrea to have a nice day.
Ruth tells Eve that she just ran into Mr. Yamashiro and his ball-less flunky Ken Davis and strongly suspects that they followed her on this ship 'cause they really really want her to sell her late husband's company. When Eve urges her to just sell the damn thing so she can be free of it, Ruth points out that since her husband built the company from the ground up, she likes to run it in order to keep his memory alive. An exasperated Eve's like, "Whatever. Stop mourning and start living."
Lee returns to the cabin and tells Andrea he missed her, and she irritably complains about how much it sucked that he spent the entire afternoon touring the ship with Cora. Lee points out that they have the whole evening to spend together enjoying their room service dinner...and when she gets miffed that they're not going to eat in the splendor of the ship's dining room, he says he doesn't want Cora to see them publicly canoodling together and then tattle to his wife. Andrea argues that maybe she should, 'cause then he'd have to make a decision about his marriage...and Lee points out that when his wife learns that their marriage has imploded, it should probably come from him and not a nosy busybody. A few seconds later, Cora knocks on the door to inquire about Lee's dinner plans, and a panicked Lee shoves Andrea into the bathroom, along with her belongings. He then opens the door to let in Cora and Herman, who inform him that they had Julie arrange for them to be seated together for dinner - just as the room service waiter arrives with two plates of food. When Cora's all, "Why are there two dinners on the cart?", Lee chides the waiter for making a mistake on his order, then tips him as he quietly instructs him to take one of the plates away. He then tells Cora and Herman that he plans to turn in early...and after they finally exit the cabin, Andrea snarks that he forgot to throw her cigarettes and matches into the bathroom [presumably so that she could have lit up while in her hiding place...and created a smoky stench inside the bathroom that wouldn't have been at all suspicious to Cora and Herman].
Vanessa is sitting in the lounge with Gopher, telling him about the personhood movement she recently joined, which decrees that everyone is considered equal, and that no one leads or follows. Gopher mulls over that concept with an openly befuddled expression, then coos about how she's the most beautiful person he's ever seen. He then invites her to dance...and as they make their way to the dance floor, Slade glares disapprovingly at his daughter's choice of dance partner.
Slade points out to Captain Stubing that his daughter is dancing with Gopher, and admits that, being the snoot that he is, he'd rather his daughter didn't throw her life away on such a low level drudge. Captain Stubing firmly tells him he doesn't make it a habit to interfere in the private lives of his crew [even when his crew routinely fraternizes with passengers while they're supposed to be on the job] ... and when Slade asks him if he'd change that opinion if he told him he's a good friend of a director of this cruise line, the captain firmly says that it would make zero difference. Slade sheepishly back pedals and says that his disapproval of Gopher stems primarily from fatherly concern, and Captain Stubing mulls that over and agrees that, yep, that's a far more acceptable reason to disapprove of Gopher.
Gopher invites Vanessa to go above deck to stare up at the stars - just as Captain Stubing summons him over to tell him that Slade has made it clear to him that he's not exactly jazzed about the prospect of him hooking up with his daughter, then adds that he's merely passing the message along.
Ken implores Ruth to sell her company, promising 200 shares of stock with the sale of Electronics Factory - but Ruth stands firms and makes it clear that she has no interest in such a transaction. Ken swiftly changes the subject to his new invention and invites her to his cabin to take a look, and she decides 'sure, why the hell not?'
Above deck, Vanessa smooches Gopher, then rails about what a fascist Captain Stubing is [I guess for passing along her father's disapproval of him]. She warns that the captain is turning him into a non-person - just as Doc mimics their boss's voice as he yells, "Gopher!" and ambles over, chuckling. LOL. He informs Gopher that Julie is sick and the captain wants him to take over her bingo game...and when Gopher agrees to fill in for his co-worker, Vanessa accuses him of acting like a non-person for not telling his boss where he can shove his bingo game, then storms off. (Sounds like a nonsensical outburst from someone who's never had to actually hold down a less-than-desirable job.)
Ken shows Ruth his invention: a typewriter that transcribes whatever people within its hearing range are saying. Ruth calls the contraption incredible and predicts that it will make him a millionaire - but Ken says that it still needs a lot of development, which he can't afford on his current salary. Ruth asks him what Mr. Yamashiro thinks of his audio typewriter, so Ken dejectedly says he's only interested in sure things...then changes the subject by calling her beautiful, before steering the conversation back to the sale of Electronics Factory. An angry Ruth snaps, "I should have known!" and storms out of his cabin.
The next morning, Ken tells Mr. Yamashiro that despite his best efforts, he was unable to convince Ruth Newman to sell her company, and a less-than-pleased Mr. Yamashiro mutters something unintelligible while stalking off. Julie happens to wander by at that moment and asks Ken whassup with the long face, and he despondently tells her he's pretty sure he just lost his Christmas bonus.
Lee acknowledges to Andrea that he knows how horrible the cruise has been for her thus far, then suggests they get dressed, have breakfast, and not worry about running into Cora and Herman. He tells her he now realizes that they can't go on like this, and that he's made the decision to divorce Laraine...and Andrea's all, "Yippee!" and gives him a happy smooch.
Gopher drops by Vanessa's cabin (as she's meditating) to apologize for abandoning her last night...and she apologizes for calling him a non-person. He tells her he's been doing a lot of thinking about all of her talk about personhood and decides he now hates being called Gopher. Vanessa tells him to not let Captain Stubing boss him around, then points out that he's just another person according to her everyone's-equal-in-my personhood universe... and Gopher mulls that over and says that he's really starting to see things her way.
Ruth invites Ken for a drink so that she can apologize for her bitchy 'tude the other day and admit that she kinda digs him whenever he's not talking business. She tells him it's painfully clear that Mr. Yamashiro treats him horribly, and that his audio typewriter is sure to make a bundle - but Ken says he still needs his salary to get through the development phase, and worries that he'll get fired if she refuses to make a deal with him to sell Electronics Factory. Ruth prickles up and says she doesn't buy that for a second, and Ken just kind of shrugs before sadly shuffling off.
Captain Stubing summons Gopher to his office to thank him for filling in for Julie last night, then asks him if he wouldn't mind dropping off his uniform at the cleaner's. Gopher tells him 1) he doesn't want to be called Gopher anymore, and 2) it would "demean my personhood" to take another man's clothes to the cleaner's. When an incredulous Captain Stubing asks him if he's really, actually, seriously defying a direct order, a defiant Gopher's like, "Yep" ... and the captain responds by firing him and brusquely ordering him out of the room.
Lee and Andrea are wandering around the ship when they once again run into Cora and Herman. Lee tells them that Andrea was just giving her opinion on his ad campaign, then says he has an appointment with the captain and rushes off...leaving a miffed Andrea staring after him.
Gopher bursts into the bar where Vanessa is hanging with Isaac, Julie, and Doc. He announces that he just got fired after ordering Captain Stubing to stop calling him Gopher, and then refusing to take his dirty clothes to the cleaner's. As he pauses to process the gravity of no longer having a job, an aghast Julie's like, "You disobeyed a direct order?" Gopher spacily says he's really going to miss all of them, as well as the ship...then says he'd better get changed so that he can turn in his uniform. After he exits the bar, Vanessa tells the crew she didn't mean for him to go so far as to get fired for insubordination, then moans, "What a bummer." Julie, however, refuses to let the situation stand and suggest they rally around Gopher and do whatever it takes to get Captain Stubing to change his mind about the firing.
Ruth joins Eve and Doc as they enjoy a couple of drinks in the lounge and tells them she's once again soured on Ken. A few seconds later, Mr. Yamashiro rushes over to make her a new offer for the sale of Electronic Factory, then explains that he's now in charge of all of the negotiations 'cause he just fired his idiot sales manager. Ruth stares back at him in bewilderment before muttering to herself, "He was telling the truth", rudely tells Mr. Yamashiro that she's never ever selling her company to an abusive shitbag, and excuses herself from the table.
Andrea rails at Lee for constantly feeling the need to hide their relationship in front of Cora and Herman...and when he points out that his philandering on the down-low isn't fair to Laraine, Andrea stares at him incredulously before snarling, "What about it being fair to me for a change?!" He weakly promises to ask for a divorce once the ship docks in Los Angeles, but Andrea says she's sick of his promises, this ship, and him...then storms out of the cabin.
Ruth apologizes to Ken for his firing as he packs his bag, and he's all, "Aw, whaddya gonna do?" then says that Mr. Yamashiro would have found some reason to get rid of him. Ruth glances over at his audio typewriter...and when she reads the latest conversation transcript, she learns that Ken had adamantly refused Mr. Yamashiro's edict to interject some hanky panky in his negotiating attempts to get her to sell them her company. As Ruth looks touched by his personal sacrifice, Ken professes his love for her and leans in for a smooch. This prompts Ruth to decide that she's suddenly open to selling him part of the company...which he can pay for with the zillions she's confident he's going to make once his audio typewriter hits the market.
Lee finds Andrea above deck, staring up at the night sky. She tells him it's fairly obvious that, deep down, he really has no desire to leave Laraine...and that their affair has been nothing more than adding "a little spice" to his life. She urges him to go back to his wife, who she's certain is a wonderful lady, then kisses his cheek - just as Cora wanders over with Herman, sarcastically asking him how his "ad campaign" is going...and Lee somehow refrains from telling the annoying buttinsky that living in the same building as him doesn't give her license to constantly interject herself in his personal fucking bidness.
Gopher, Julie, Isaac, Doc, and Vanessa file into Captain Stubing's office to implore him to reconsider firing Gopher...and Gopher sheepishly apologizes for defying a direct order, after which Vanessa chimes in and says it's all her fault for filling Gopher's head with her personhood philosophy. Captain Stubing tells the crew that he doesn't love giving them orders - but that since he's in charge of an entire ship, the job comes with great responsibility. He then turns to Vanessa and tells her that her father, while an insufferable classist snob, merely wants what's best for her. He proposes that they all look upon this episode as an experiment that failed miserably, then takes a vote on reinstating Gopher as Assistant Purser. The vote passes unanimously, and everyone happily scampers off...while Gopher hangs back to smilingly salute his boss.
When the ship reaches port in Los Angeles, Andrea says goodbye to Lee, wishes him the best, and sashays out of his life for good.
Mr. Yamashiro implores Ruth yet again to sell him her company, and she smugly tells him to talk to her new advisor and fiancé - surprise! - Ken Davis. She informs him that her company is going to be developing and distributing his audio typewriter invention, and Mr. Yamashiro mulls that over and decides that he'd really like to invest in the revolutionary gadget after all.
Lee greets Laraine and confesses that this cruise wasn't actually a business trip. She applauds his honesty and says she kinda figured that he's been stepping out on her...and when he declares that he's fully re-committing himself to not fucking around with another woman right under her nose, she happily coos, "I love you" and gives him a smooch [in lieu, I suppose, of a well deserved steel-toed kick to the curb]. As he wanders off to get his bags, Cora makes a beeline over to Laraine to cluck sympathetically about how the wife is always the last to know...then looks around for Herman, who's several feet away, chatting it up with a pretty young woman. Womp womp!
Captain Stubing bids adieu to Slade, who expresses his continued bafflement that Vanessa digs Gopher so much. Vanessa, meanwhile, apologizes to Gopher for nearly getting him permanently fired, then disembarks the ship when her father ushers her along.
The crew informs Gopher that Captain Stubing only yelled his name nineteen times, aka one short of his wager of twenty - just as the captain growls, "Gopher!" for the twentieth time. Gopher's like, "Huzzah!" and joyously collects his winnings.
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"The Business of Love / Crash Diet Crisis / I'll Never Fall in Love Again"
Original airdate: 5/12/1978
Episode summary: Two dullards connect while grieving the loss of their loved ones. A call girl finds it difficult to leave the world of hooking behind when she runs into a former john who threatens to blab about how she's been making a living. Captain Stubing goes on a crash diet in order to impress a woman he used to crush on in high school.
Recap: Jill Williams is dropped off at The Love Boat port by her friend Dolly, who gives her a departing gift of a basket of oranges. She then urges Jill to forgo the cruise so that they can prostitute themselves with a rich Texan and his equally-as-rich oil sheikh friend - but Jill declines and says she's through with being a hooker. When Dolly says she can't help but be skeptical, Jill says she's no longer A-OK with selling her body for money, not least 'cause she has a fourteen year old son [who, no doubt, would be severely icked out if he had any idea how she's been putting food on the table] and has saved enough money to tide her over until she finds a non-sex industry job. Dolly shrugs and laments, "What a waste", then gives her friend a hug goodbye.
Gopher greets a sorrowful looking Roberta Roberts and flirtily invites her to dinner, and she's like, "I couldn't possibly be less interested in being romanced by you" and hastily excuses herself.
Moe and Dotty Price arrive on the ship dressed in matching Price's Ice is Nice t-shirts and wonder aloud to each other if a vessel like this could ever sink.
Gopher checks in Nate Jordan, a sad sack who says he's vacationing alone 'cause his wife recently died.
Captain Stubing scans a group of incoming passengers and excitedly tells Doc that he recognizes a pretty woman named Jocelyn Matthews he used to crush on in high school. He races over to greet her, then gushes about how she hasn't changed a bit...while she gives him a disapproving once over and asks what in blazes happened to "String Bean Stubing". When he scrunches his face in mortification, she back pedals and tells him not to feel too insecure about his chubbiness, 'cause a lot of guys they both knew from the old days are now bald, portly, and have terrible posture...and neglects to add that the only reason she's not remarking on his baldness is 'cause his captain's hat is effectively hiding his sparse clown hair 'do.
Ray and Myrna Foster check in and then bicker as they make their way to their assigned cabin.
Bill Wainright bumps into Jill, causing her to drop her basket of oranges...and as he kneels down to help her pick them up, Ray Foster looks over at them from across the lobby and murmurs, "Well I'll be." Myrna asks him what he's muttering about, and he breezily says, "Nothing", then jovially adds that this might be a very romantic cruise after all...and says this while staring lecherously in Jill's direction. Ew.
Roberta unpacks her things, then stares longingly at a framed photo of her late beau.
Jill and Bill bump into each other again near the pool...and when he asks her if she's sitting with anyone, she tells him she isn't and happily saunters off with him.
Isaac takes drink orders from a glum Nate and then an equally-as-glum Roberta, both of whom request very obscure concoctions.
While playing backgammon for 5 cents a point, Bill jokingly chides Jill for hustling him...and she looks visibly put out by the too-close-to-home accusation.
Captain Stubing is jogging in place inside his cabin...then weighs himself, but looks less than thrilled with the number. He summons Doc to tell him that he's so jazzed about seeing Jocelyn again, he'd like him (Doc) to rapidly help fix his body so he has a decent shot at coupling up with his former crush. Doc tells him, "A fast is fast", which translates to don't eat anything - but then admits that starvation is probably not the healthiest way to lose weight. A few seconds later, Isaac drops by to offer the captain a jelly donut for his regular tea time, but he reluctantly declines the delicious midday treat.
Bill hands Jill a towel as she emerges from the swimming pool...and as she's drying herself off, Ray asks Isaac if he knows whether or not Jill is travelling with her male friend. Isaac says he's pretty sure they met on the ship...and Ray continues to stare over at her as she and Bill happily chit-chat and then wander off together.
At dinner time, Captain Stubing arrives at his table, where Jocelyn has already been seated. He tells her how delighted he is to host her at his table, and she beams in response. Gopher interrupts to weirdly remind the captain that he shouldn't be wearing his hat at the dinner table...and when he reluctantly removes it, Jocelyn gasps at his baldness, then apologizes for making that baldy crack earlier. She wanks him about how awesomely he's rockin' the whole chubby-bald look - but a dispirited captain tells Jocelyn he's not eating any dinner 'cause he had a very big lunch, then stares longingly at the plates of food in front of him.
Roberta arrives at her assigned dinner table...which, for whatever reason, is shared by Moe and Dotty Price, along with Nate. Moe and Dotty natter about being in the ice business...and when Nate manages to get a word in edgewise and tell them that he's a stockbroker, Roberta happily rejoins that she's an economist. Moe, who seems like one of those guys who's profoundly disinterested in anything that has nothing to do with him, says "That's nice, but it ain't the ice business", which...that it ain't, Moe. That it ain't.
Ray is gazing hungrily at Jill as she dances with Bill - until Myrna grumbles at him to stop ogling so brazenly at the beautiful "stranger".
Moe and Dotty urge Roberta and Nate to cut a rug with them on the dance floor, but the dullards decline, then later confide in each other that since they're not in the most festive of moods, they'd prefer to mope around the quieter parts of the ship.
Captain Stubing tells Jocelyn he's falling in love with her and coos about how gorgeous she is. She tells him that she manages to keep her girlish figure by jogging every morning, and he perks up at that notion and suggests they go jogging together.
Bill escorts Jill to her cabin and tells her that he had such a good time today he wishes for "a lifetime of todays". Jill blushingly says it's so nice of him to say that, and accepts his invitation to get together for breakfast in the morning.
Ray prattles on and on about how energized and youthful he feels on this cruise - but when Myrna emerges from the bathroom with wearing flannel PJs, face cream, and curlers in her hair, he's all, "Holy hell you're fugly" and further insults her old lady frumpiness. She snarls back that she couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses what a shitbag like him thinks about her sleeping attire and climbs into bed.
Roberta apologizes to Nate for her general wet blanket disposition, then explains that the love of her life, Bob, recently died while on a training flight for the Air Force. Nate clucks sympathetically and tells her that he too is in a sorrowful state 'cause of his wife's recent passing...and the two decide that they've depressed each other enough for one evening and head off separately to their cabins.
Ray continues to snipe at his frumpy wife, then growlingly announces that he's going out to get a drink at whatever bar is still open at this hour. And Myrna somehow refrains from wondering aloud why in the hell she continues to tolerate being married to such a gargantuan asshole.
Ray drops by Jill's cabin, and she's all, "The fuck are you doing here?", then asks him if he's on this cruise for business or pleasure. He crassly replies, "Your business is my pleasure" then tells her he's got plenty of money to pay her to get his rocks off. Jill tells him she's no longer in the business of selling her body for money and shrieks, "Get out!" ... and Ray scoffs, "Are you kidding? You'll never change" and dickishly threatens to reveal to Bill the sleazy way in which his new gal has, up until now, been earning a living.
Early the next morning, Jocelyn is doing her daily jog...but when she pauses to look behind her, Captain Stubing - aka her jogging buddy - is nowhere to be seen.
Isaac and Gopher spot an inert Captain Stubing laying atop a bench with a towel over his face...and Gopher idly says that the role-poly torso reminds him of a baby whale he once saw at Marine Land.
Jocelyn tells Doc that Captain Stubing mysteriously disappeared during their morning run - just as he limps over. He fibs that while jogging he was called away to deal with an emergency on the bridge...and when she invites him to breakfast, he despondently tells her that he's not going to be eating for the foreseeable future. He then says he needs to run along to prepare for a crew meeting and that he'll see her later.
Nate and Roberta fib to Moe and Dotty about how they have shuffleboard plans and therefore can't spend the day with them, then beat a hasty retreat. Roberta gigglingly thanks Nate for rescuing her from the overbearing couple, then notices that he's clutching an Agatha Christie novel. She tells him she looooooves this author, so he loans her the book...and the two wish each other a lovely day before ambling off in separate directions.
Myrna tells Ray that she's so sick of his hostile bickering and the way he constantly takes her for granted that she's moving into a vacant cabin...pending their divorce, which she can't wait to file for. Ray tells her she's crazy to walk away from their dysfunctional marriage, then growlingly warns her to not come crawling back to him...and she shrugs and says, all un-fazed-like, "Why would I? You'll never change."
Captain Stubing berates his crew for their slip-shod and lackadaisical work, chiding..
After that, he grumpishly orders them out of his office...and once they're safely out of his earshot, Doc explains to his co-workers that the captain is in such a foul mood 'cause he hasn't eaten since yesterday. Gopher mulls that over and suggests taking some sort of action in order to get their boss's behavior back to more acceptable levels of grumpiness...and the four put their heads together to hash out a devious plan.
Later, as Captain Stubing gets dressed, he's pleasantly surprised to see that his pants are notably looser than before...and when he gets onto the scale, he's even more pleased when it appears as though he's lost fifteen pounds. And somehow doesn't think either thing to be at all odd, considering he's only been dieting for one day.
That evening, a newly confident Captain Stubing is slow dancing with Jocelyn. Across the lounge, the crew cackles about their resourceful trickery in chilling their boss out by rigging his scale and enlarging the waistband of his pants.
Elsewhere in the lounge, as the band plays The Way We Were, Nate sadly tells Roberta that it was his wife's favorite song...and a few seconds later, the two decide to spread their gloom above deck.
While dancing, Jill tells Bill there's something fairly important about herself she should probably reveal to him at some point, but he gently brushes her off and says that they can talk about it later.
Nate tells Roberta that his wife was a once-in-a-lifetime soulmate who spoiled him for all other women - but Roberta argues that somewhere in the world is a woman who needs all the love he has to give. He points out that she wasn't even married to her lost love and still has an entire life to live, then thanks her for helping him through his period of grieving. He then asks her if she'd be at all interested in lightening their collective glumness by dancing - but she declines and says she's ready to call it a night.
Bill asks Jill whaddup with her gloomy aura - just as Ray makes a beeline over to say hey. Jill warily introduces Bill to her former john, who fibs that he and Jill know each other 'cause they've done lots of real estate deals together. A few seconds later, Bill is called away to take a phone call from his secretary in L.A....and once he's safely out of earshot, Jill asks Ray why he didn't out her as a lady of the evening. Ray says he thought better of needlessly ruining her life, then sadly tells her that his wife walked out on him after snarling about how he's never going to change. Jill points out that if she's capable of leaving hooking behind her, he too can change for the better. Ray says it's just now dawned on him that his long-suffering wife is his entire world, so Jill cautions him to not wait until it's too late to woo her back...and he mulls that over, calls her "one helluva lady", and heads over to the dance floor to cut in on Doc, who's been dancing with Myrna. He sheepishly tells Myrna he doesn't want to lose her, then promises to do all the stuff around the house she's been bitching at him to get done...and Myrna happily calls off the divorce and says she looooves this new and improved Ray.
Bill returns to the bar and tells Jill that despite the fact that he's in the process of working on a big deal, he's far more interested in spending time with her. Jill tells him that they really really need to talk about her sordid past - but he breezily tells her he's not remotely interested in anything she did prior to meeting him...then coos, "I love you" and gives her a passionate smooch.
Captain Stubing and Jocelyn are performing her old high school cheerleader routine...and then the two hug happily and agree that neither of them has felt this content in a long, long time. He gives her a passionate smooch and confesses that when they were in high school, he had a ginormous crush on her...and she's like, "I had a crush on you!", but, because of his shyness, never got the vibe that he was interested in her. Captain Stubing perks up and suggests that perhaps this childhood crush could turn into some kind of reality, but she's more of the mind that whatever feelings exist between them is merely a fantasy...which she's more than willing to play out tonight. Captain Stubing says that he and his penis are totes into that idea, and gives her an intense smooch.
As the ship reaches the Los Angeles port, Moe and Dotty bid Roberta adieu and tell her they hope she wasn't too bothered by their chipper boisterousness. Roberta cheerily denies ever being annoyed by them and assures them they're wonderful, then thanks Julie and Gopher for a terrific vacation. She asks them if they've seen Nate, and they tell her they haven't...and she thanks them again and sadly ambles off the ship.
Jill gives Julie her basket of oranges as she departs the ship with Bill...and across the lobby, Ray gives her a thumbs up.
Nate asks Julie and Gopher if they've seen Roberta 'cause he really wants to give her a proper goodbye, but they inform him that she has already left the ship.
An aimless looking Roberta glances around for an available cab - just as Nate cheerlessly ambles out of the port. The two spend what seems like forever implausibly not spotting each other - until they try to enter the same cab. When Nate asks, "Would you like to share?", Roberta happily tells him she'd like that very much.
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Original airdate: 5/5/1978
Episode summary: A lonely widow pretends to be glamorous in an attempt to meet glamorous people. A squat young man is desperate to get married to avoid being cut out of his late grandfather's will. A male chauvinist alienates his fiancée with his shitty personality. A journalist spies on the crew and passengers in order to gather salacious fodder for an exposé.
Recap: Curt arrives on board with his girlfriend Didi, who he chides as being "the weaker sex" despite her willingness to carry all of their luggage. He introduces her to Julie and Gopher as his chick before describing her as "the finest animal I've ever owned" ... and after the two head off to settle into their cabin, Julie snarlingly tells Gopher she'd like to break every bone in that misogynistic douchebag's body.
A short, squat man named Nelson Hoag asks Doc if there are a lot of single women on board...and if so, where they hang out...and Doc "jokes" that, for some mystifying reason, the beautiful women usually eventually find their way to his cabin. A few seconds later, Nelson spots a statuesque blonde and ambles over to ask, "Will you please marry me?", but she just makes an 'as if' face at him before disinterestedly sauntering off.
Two deliverymen arrive carrying several bouquets of flowers for a passenger named Ireni Germaine, and Gopher directs them to the cabin of the seemingly popular woman.
Ireni is dropped off at the Love Boat port by her sister, who assures her that she arranged for a bunch of phony cablegrams and flower deliveries...then warns that all this stuff is costing her a stupid fortune. Ireni explains that, for once in her life, she wants to be a someone and figures that the best way to meet somebody glamorous is to pretend to be somebody glamorous. Ireni's sister mumbles about how her late husband would be spinning in his grave if he knew how much of his hard-earned dough she was wasting on creating a facade of glamour, but then agrees to call her during the cruise at least five times a day so that the passengers and crew will leap to the conclusion that she must reign somewhere as society's preeminent socialite.
A frizzy haired woman named Ms. O'Roarke boards the ship, glances around all covert-like, and informs Gopher that she's a reporter traveling incognito for Defile Magazine. She explains that she's going to write a story that's sure to blow the lid off of the cruise ship industry, then nods her head knowingly as she says she's well aware of what goes on during these types of cruises: musical cabins, wife swapping, and organized hanky panky. Gopher denies that any such debauchery ever occurs on the ship - but she's like, "OK, whatever", then hands him a small wad of cash and asks him to keep his eyes and ears open.
Captain Stubing is staring smittenly at Ireni as Julie hands her her pile of fake cablegrams, then tells about all the flower bouquets that await her in her cabin. Ireni giggles about how her male admirers - Marlin, Jack, and Warren - are always sending her flowers - just as Captain Stubing saunters over to shyly introduce himself. Ireni imperiously instructs Julie to distribute the flowers among the indigent passengers, despite there being no such thing...and as she sashays off, Captain Stubing stares after her longingly.
Didi calls out Curt for publicly referring to her as "the finest animal I own", and he scrunches his face confusedly as to how this could possibly upset her and says he meant it as a compliment. Didi rebuffs his aggressive attempts at a kiss, reminding him that she's a person not a chick, to which Curt mutters, "OK, OK, you're a person. Now shut up before I belt you one." Didi snarls back about what a male chauvinist pig he is [while somehow refraining to include his penchant for threatening violence], and he's like, "Well d'yuh" and says if she doesn't like it, "adios amigo". Didi motions at the door and screeches at him to get out and leave her alone - but he points out that since he's the one who paid for the cabin, if she wants to be left alone "there's the door, baby". Didi decides on the door being the better option as she picks up her bags and storms out...leaving Curtis snarling after her, "When you cool down, I could use a back rub and cigarettes!"
Nelson proposes to the next pretty woman who happens to stumble into his orbit, but she just shrugs disinterestedly and says that at the moment she's purely interested in finding a shuffleboard partner. Gopher overhears the exchange and tells Nelson to try to not to feel too rejected, but Nelson explains that he's in such a rush to get married 'cause, according to his idiot grandfather's will, if he's not married by the age of twenty-five, he'll miss out on a substantial inheritance. Gopher points out that he might have more luck with his proposals if he maybe got acquainted with his prospects first...so Nelson chews on that for a few seconds before he approaches a teary Didi to ask her if she has any interest in getting acquainted with him. She responds by bursting into tears, then explains to Gopher that she needs her own cabin after unexpectedly walking out on her shitbag of a boyfriend. Gopher breaks the unfortunate news that the ship is fully booked - just as Doc comes over to smarmily offer her the use of his cabin. Didi perks up and accepts by kissing his cheek...and as soon as she's out of earshot, Doc creepily tells a dismayed Gopher, "If you thinks she's grateful now, wait 'til later." Ms. O'Roarke, meanwhile, has been eavesdropping on Doc's sexual harassmenty quid pro quo and is jotting it all down in her little notebook. Gopher notices and ambles over and to assure her (somehow with a straight face) that Doc was merely offering a distraught female passenger a place to sleep, but Ms. O'Roarke doesn't buy that and boasts that her cruise ship exposé is going to be so scandalous that it'll make Hugh Hefner blush [which I seriously doubt was actually possible, but OK].
That evening in the lounge, Doc is having drinks with Didi when Curt marches over to demand to know where she's been all afternoon. Didi smugly informs him that she has moved into Doc's cabin and is staying put...and eventually Curt gives up barking edicts at her to leave the lounge with him and slinks off. As that's happening, the camera pans over to Ms. O'Roarke, who was hiding behind a plant as she documented the exchange in her notebook.
When Nelson arrives in the dining room, Gopher advises him to take a seat, do his best to look debonair, and keep his fingers crossed that at least a couple of women will flock over to him. A few seconds later, Julie enters the room, and a cocksure Curtis makes a quick beeline over to smarmily ask, "How're ya doin', pretty lady?" ... and when she makes a blech face and replies, "Fine until now", he retorts, "I like a filly with a temperament" and invites her to dance. Julie snubs the invitation by grabbing Nelson, who's standing nearby, and urges him to sweep her off her feet on the dance floor, and he happily tells her he's game, but warns that he only knows how to polka.
Captain Stubing is in the process of sauntering over to Ireni, who's decked out in a sparkly white gown and matching head wrap, when Isaac carries a telephone over to her and informs her that she has an important call from a gentleman named Rudolph. Ireni picks up the receiver, chides "Rudolph" for being "a persistent little peasant", and continues fake chatting into probably a dead receiver while Captain Stubing awkwardly stands a few feet away. Ireni pauses the pretend call to ask him whassup, and he suddenly loses his nerve and wishes her a lovely evening before blushingly shuffling off.
Didi tells Doc he's a sweet guy for letting her sleep in his bed...and while she's saying that, he's in his bathroom, clad in pyjamas and applying aftershave. When he announces, "I'm ready", Didi stares back at him blankly and asks him 1) exactly what he's ready for, and 2) where he plans on sleeping. He replies, "Uh, with you..?", and she gasps in horror at the prospect - LOL - and growls, "What kind of girl do you think I am?" A few seconds later, Curtis storms over to brusquely command Didi to get back to his cabin where she belongs, then punches Doc in the face when he attempts to intervene. Didi yells at Curtis to get lost, then tenderly wipes Doc's bloody nose before helping him hobble over to the bed.
Nelson escorts Julie back to her cabin, and the two agree that they had a great time polka-ing together. Julie tells him he's a very nice man and that he really should have more confidence in himself...and as he leans in for a goodnight kiss, Gopher suddenly appears out of nowhere and orders him to beat it.
As Ms. O'Roarke sulks around the passageway with her notebook, Doc asks Isaac if he can bunk with him tonight 'cause Didi is occupying his bed while refusing to put out - but Isaac says he has to turn him down 'cause he has his eye on a cutie he's hoping to bed. Doc then knocks on Julie's door to ask her if he can bunk with her, and she's like 'sure, whatever' and allows him in. When she points out that she only has a tiny single bed, he offers to sleep in the bathtub...which prompts her to ask why he's never come on to her, given the indiscriminate manner in which he chases after everything in a skirt. Doc chuckles at the notion and says that that would be like making a pass at his sister...then disapprovingly says that he's so shocked - shocked! - that she'd even bring up the two of them getting it on as a topic of conversation that he's going to huffily storm into the bathroom.
A depressed Julie gets dressed, heads down to the bar, and seats herself next to Nelson. She suggests the two of them get a bottle of whiskey and booze it up in his cabin, and he perks up the unexpected invitation. When they arrive at his cabin, an exhausted Julie collapses atop his bed...while Nelson decides it's the perfect moment to propose marriage, and explains that he's so desperate to wed 'cause he stands to lose a sizeable inheritance if he remains single after Friday. Julie tells him that this isn't exactly the type of marriage proposal she's always dreamed of, and that the only reason she's even in his cabin is 'cause Doc is snoring away in her bathtub...and says this as though she didn't lead him on with her 'let's drink whiskey all night' suggestion. She then says she's extremely tired and just wants to go to sleep, so Nelson tells her that she's welcome to stay in his cabin while he trolls the ship for a more promising marital prospect.
As Ms. O'Roarke continues to skulk around the passageway, Julie sneaks back to her cabin - just as Doc is exiting. He haughtily asks her if she had an interesting night, and she breezily tells him it was fantastic. A few seconds later, Isaac appears and tells Doc he disapproves of Julie messing with any of the male passengers...and says this as though he wasn't trying to bed a cutie earlier, and as though Doc doesn't routinely showcase himself as '70s prime time TV's horniest Casanova.
Early the next morning, Ireni wanders around the pool deck and finds Nelson sleeping on a lounger. She tells him that she too slept above deck, and he's like, "That's interesting. Will you marry me?" Ireni tells him that she came aboard this cruise to have fun, not find a husband, then advises him to go back to his cabin and get some sleep. He says he can't do that at the moment 'cause he loaned out his cabin to Julie, who he's assuming is still asleep in his bed...so Ireni generously offers up her cabin.
Curtis tries to assure Didi that he does think of her as a person (sort of), then tries to forcibly smooch her as he simultaneously pleads with her to come back to their cabin. Didi fights off his physical advances while warning that someone could walk into Doc's cabin at any moment...and when he scoffs, "So what?", she yells at him to get the hell outa here and throws whatever was on Doc's nightstand at him. As he flees the cabin, Ireni is escorting Nelson to her cabin and encouraging him to get some sleep in her bed...and once again, Ms. O'Roarke is lurking nearby to document what she perceives as rampant hanky panky.
Ireni gets another pretend phone call from someone to whom she refers as "Liz darling" ... and when she mentions Philip and Anne, Captain Stubing startlingly murmurs, "Queen Elizabeth..?" Ireni proceeds to tell Queen Elizabeth that she can't make supper this week 'cause she's currently cruising on The Love Boat, and that she has to sign off now 'cause she's being gawked at by the gorgeous captain. When she hangs up, she asks Captain Stubing if he might wish to give her a tour of the ship, and he smittenly says he'd be honored...and as the two head off together, Ms. O'Roarke emerges from wherever she's been lurking unseen and remarks to Isaac, "Everybody's getting in on the act."
Doc tells Julie that they're going to have to have a chat about the decline of her moral standards, and she (kettle) snappishly tells him (pot) to go pee up a rope.
Ireni regales Captain Stubing with faux tales of her various celebrity friends, and in response he coos about how much he loooooves her [fabricated] style and suggests that they continue this conversation in a quieter place. Ireni invites him to come with her to her cabin...and after the two wander off together, Ms. O'Roarke runs into Gopher and needlessly updates him about what "a hotbed of hot beds" the ship is, then recaps all of the sex romping she assumes is happening, including the amorous crew. Gopher responds with a blanket denial of all hanky panky allegations, but she ignores that, thanks him for his help, and promises to credit him when she publishes her article.
Ireni's all, "Oops" as she tells Captain Stubing that she forgot about letting Nelson get some sleep in her cabin, and he marvels at her graciousness before suggesting they head over to his cabin. As the two happily scamper off, Ms. O'Roarke cackles excitedly about all of the salacious material she's been able to gather for her article - just as Captain Stubing is summoned to the bridge. He asks Ireni if they can hook up tonight, and she coquettishly tells him she'd be more than happy to meet up with him later.
Nelson asks a pretty blonde who's seated next to him at the bar if she'd consider marrying him - but before she's able to summarily reject his proposal, Doc rushes over and invites her to dance.
That evening, Captain Stubing is hanging with Ireni, smittenly staring into her eyes when he invites her to accompany him to his cabin, and she makes it clear that she's very into that idea.
Didi is sitting with a couple, having a conversation about setting boundaries about her space...and when Curt comes over to angrily demand that she leave with him, she tells him to get the hell outa her space.
Ms. O'Roarke seats herself next to a somewhat weary looking Gopher at the bar to tell him that she can feel the calm on the eve of the storm that will be all the ship's sex fiends suddenly going berserk. Gopher offers to buy her a drink, and she orders a beer before remarking on how unwise it'd be to be seen boozing it up with her article's source [despite no one on the ship knowing about the article or likely giving a rat's ass even if they did know]. She tells Gopher she kinda digs him and gives him a playful punch, and he reciprocates with a playful punch of his own. Mmm hmm... [and seriously, Gopher?].
Captain Stubing tells Ireni she's very special, then gives her an intensely passionate smooch before breathily informing her that he's going to slip into something more comfortable. After he disappears into his bathroom, a panicked looking Ireni races over to the phone to ask the switchboard operator to page her - just as Captain Stubing emerges from the bathroom decked out in loungewear and asks her whassup. Ireni tells him she can't go through with this silly fraud, then comes clean about how she's not a glamorous socialite named Ireni Germaine, but rather a widowed housewife from Pacoima named Irene Funston. Captain Stubing scrunches his face disappointedly, then tells her she's still a lovely lady he wouldn't mind hitting the sheets with - but Irene tells him she has zero interest in starting something she can't finish. She explains that this cruise was supposed to be a fun fantasy she could look back on fondly while perusing her Love Boat scrapbook years from now...but just now realized that she really doesn't want a shipboard fling, 'cause what she truly craves is [time travelling back to the 1950s and] having a husband she can cook, clean, and iron shirts for. Captain Stubing tells her he definitely can't be that man for her, and attempts to keep the possibility of getting laid alive by wanking her about what "a magnificent woman" she is while leaning in for a smooch - but she flees his grasp and beats a hasty retreat out of the cabin.
A sobbing Irene goes above deck, where she encounters a sobbing Curtis. When she asks him whassup with his tears, he tells her he just got jilted 'cause, among countless other reasons, he has an enormous ego problem. Irene gives him a quick once over and determines that he's a good looking, sensitive man who seems to need to tell the world what a great guy he is 'cause no one else is saying it [for good reason] ... and the two clutch hands and cry over their collective sorrows.
Nelson is drunkenly nattering at Isaac when Didi enters the bar. Nelson perks up and offers to buy her a drink...and after she insists that he properly introduce himself first, she accepts. Nelson breaks the ice further by showing her a photo of his pet bunny and tells her there's more where that came from in his cabin, and she decides that looking at some strange guy's collection of pet bunny photos would be the perfect way to cap off the evening.
The next morning, Nelson brings in a food-filled tray so that Didi can have breakfast in bed...and as he's pouring her a cup of coffee, she tells him how pleasantly surprised she is by his sweet chivalry. She also applauds his restraint in not trying any hanky panky last night before the two passed out while perusing his pet bunny photo album [which, sure, is a reasonable thing for a grown man to be bringing along on a cruise]. Nelson earnestly asks, "Will you marry me?", and she replies, "Of course!" ... and when he informs her that if they marry before Friday, he inherits $3 million, she's like, "Point me towards the nearest chapel!"
As Ms. O'Roarke is doing her usual skulking around the passageway, an elated Nelson runs into Doc and tells him he finally got engaged and invites him into his cabin for an impromptu celebration...and when Julie, Isaac, and Gopher happen to walk by, Doc invites them to join what Ms. O'Roarke assumes is an early morning orgy-fest. When Gopher emerges from the cabin a few seconds later, Ms. O'Roarke smugly tells him she's going to make millions from what now is going to be an entire book...and Gopher's like, "That's nice, wanna get it on in my cabin?", and she's all, "Fuck yeah."
Nelson and Didi bid the crew goodbye after announcing their quickie wedding plans...and a few seconds later, Curtis and Irene happily depart together. Ms. O'Roarke tells Gopher how dismayed she is that of all the crew and passengers she stalked during the cruise, the only people who actually hooked up were the two of them. As the passengers continue to file off of the ship, Isaac, Captain Stubing, Doc, and Julie agree that this cruise was dull and unsatisfying - except for Gopher, who feels vigorous after fighting his general boredom this episode by getting his rocks off with a distinctly unalluring sex writer.
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"Parents Know Best / A Selfless Love / The Nubile Nurse"
Original airdate: 2/24/1978
Episode summary: A young man cons his parents into accepting his girlfriend as his future wife. An engaged couple contends with their considerable age difference. Doc hires an ex-Vegas showgirl to be his new nurse.
Recap: Doc tells Gopher and Isaac that he was able to convince the powers that be to hire a nurse to join his Love Boat practice...then chucklingly adds that her name is Dawn Delaney and that she used to be a scantily costumed Las Vegas showgirl whose naughties he used to salivate over. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing wanders over with a case of persistent hiccups - just as Dawn Delaney sexily sashays on board, decked out in her nurse's uniform. Doc introduces her to Isaac and Gopher before schmaltzy ushering her off to show her his exam room [and God knows what else].
Harry and Phyllis Morrison arrive on the ship, along with their son Bruce. While checking in, Harry needlessly tells Julie that Bruce is very single - but when Julie remarks on all the pretty young ladies she's been checking in, Bruce sourly retorts that he already has a pretty lady. Phyllis chides her son for his surliness and reminds him that he promised to forget about Ginger during the cruise and consider sowing some wild oats before settling down.
Gopher greets a young woman who's registered on the guest list as Diana Lane and smarmily tells her that he'll do everything to make her stay pleasurable, memorable, and exciting...and she's like, "Thanks, but I'm already spoken for. "
Captain Stubing warmly greets his old pal, Dan Michaels, and is introduced to Dan's pretty and much younger fiancée, Laura Wakefield. Dan informs the captain that he and Laura plan to get married when the ship docks in Cabo San Lucas, and that he'd like him to be his best man...while Laura excuses herself to wander over to the gift shop. In the process, she accidentally bumps into a good looking man (Gary Foster) who looks to be around her age...and when she informs him that she's engaged, he's all 'drats' and says he's somehow always getting into trouble with married women. A few seconds later, Laura returns to where Dan's standing and suggests they go above deck and throw confetti as the ship begins its sail, but he's like 'Nah, I'm old and wanna take a nap' before noticing the look of disappointment on his young fiancée's face and abruptly reversing the old man decision. A middle-aged blonde woman who's been eavesdropping on the conversation tells Laura, "Listen to your father, dear. Fathers usually know best" ... and Laura somehow refrains from telling the buttinsky to mind own business before she and Dan gaily head above deck to litter the ocean.
While sitting by the pool and playing cards, Harry tells Phyllis he hopes that Bruce soon realizes what a boneheaded idea it would be to marry the first girl he falls for. The two then notice Diana Lane sitting nearby, start chatting her up, and perk up when they learn that she's travelling alone. They ask her if she's single, so she tells them she has her heart set on marrying her boyfriend, and Harry makes a face and says he can't fathom why anyone would want to get married at the age of twenty-one. Phyllis chimes in and informs Diana that they have a son named Bruce, and that he's twenty-two and kind of a hottie (despite his "hotness" really being in an 'eye of the beholder' type category).
Julie and Gopher interrupt everyone's relaxation time to introduce a super annoying way in which passengers can interact with each other. They order the ladies to take off a shoe and put it into a basket...and then the menfolk will select a shoe, figure out who it belongs to, at which time the two will pass an orange to one another using just their necks. Sounds more like the kind of ice-breaker they should have instituted two episodes ago on the Valentine's Day cruise.
Bruce emerges from the pool and returns to his parents' table, where he's introduced to their cute new friend Diana. Harry proposes that they have dinner together tonight and go dancing, then decide if they're really truly absolutely ready to marry their significant others at such a young age. Diana and Bruce both agree that they're game for the experiment...and as Diana heads off to her cabin, Gopher asks Diana if she wants to play the shoe/orange passing game - but she declines and says she intends to "be true" to her boy back home A few seconds later, Bruce yells out, "I'll pick you up at eight!" and she gaily replies, "Perfect!", prompting Gopher to scrunch his face perplexedly, despite her easy-to-gauge complete lack of interest in being pursued by him. Give it up, Gopher.
Laura's shoe is selected by Gary Foster, and the two gigglingly chat it up as Dan covertly watches with an expression of mild dismay. He then reaches into the basket and selects the shoe of the woman who had made that 'listen to your father, dear' remark earlier. She introduces herself to Dan as Glenda Fairbanks, says she hates these dumb ice-breakers, and invites him to buy her a drink. The two wander over to the bar, where they order piña coladas from Isaac, then reminisce about the music of the WWII era and start singing I'll be Seeing You. A few seconds later, Laura comes over and jokes about them being like Donny and Marie...and Dan's like, "Who?", then continues singing with Glenda, along with Captain Stubing after he ambles over to see what all the WWII era singing is about.
Mrs. Martin, an older chubby woman whose neck got injured during the orange passing game, enters Doc's office. Dawn tells her that Doc isn't here at the moment, but that she could try snapping her neck back into place. When Doc returns to the office, he hears a shriek...and when he rushes into the exam room, he finds a grateful Mrs. Martin calling Dawn a life-saver for getting her neck back to its default settings. After she leaves, Doc tells Dawn he doesn't mind her doing his doctor work for him, urges her to take the rest of the afternoon off, and leans in for a kiss - but she deftly avoids his lips and offers to spend the afternoon 1) sorting out the files in his filing cabinet, and 2) pretending as thought she has no idea how transparently desperate he is to get her in the sack.
At dinner, Phyllis asks Diana if she's really serious about marrying her fella, and she says she is...and that she's 100% dedicated to supporting her future husband through law school once she graduates. A few seconds later, Bruce invites her to dance...and once they're out of earshot, Bruce and Phyllis agree that Diana is definitely a keeper.
Gopher and Isaac watch Doc as he dances with Dawn, and gush about how sexy she is...and while they're doing that, Julie suggests to the slobbering idiots that since Dawn earned her own way through nursing school, they might want to rethink objectifying the woman in such a cartoonishly '70s manner.
Mrs. Martin interrupts Doc and Dawn to ask if one of them could examine the injured back of her new beau (Mr. Ross), 'cause apparently he's barely able to walk upright. Doc opts to provide no service aside from breezily telling the man to go back to his cabin and get some rest - just as Captain Stubing walks over to seek relief from his hiccups. When Dawn starts offering some advice on how to get the hiccups to stop, Doc cuts her off and tells him to try gargling with salt water. Once the captain ambles off and is out of earshot, Dawn tells Doc that she's been reading up on some new fangled techniques to treat hiccups, then gently explains that she's rebuffing his relentless, wildly inappropriate advances 'cause, now that they're supposed to be colleagues, she'd prefer to not make a kissy spectacle of herself while the entire crew watches.
Gary Foster invites Laura to jig with him to the jazz song that the band just started playing, while Captain Stubing sits with Dan and remarks on how beautiful his fiancée is. Dan concurs, but says he's been thinking that maybe she'd be better off hooking up with someone closer to her in age.
Captain Stubing asks the band to nix the jazz and play something from his generation, while Dan heads over to the dance floor to cut in on Laura and Gary - but before he can do that, Glenda grabs him and chirps, "They're playing our song!", causing Laura to look over at them in miffed dismay before storming out of the lounge.
Harry and Phyllis agree that they're pleased by how well Bruce and Diana appear to have hit it off.
As Dan looks around for Laura, Glenda breezily says she must have left, then urges him to remain with her on the dance floor 'cause it'd be too much of a shame to waste this lovely, old-fashioned music.
Above deck, Diana tells Bruce he's a terrific kisser, and he's like, "You're not so bad yourself, Ginger." Hee!
Dan stops by Laura's cabin, where she's decked out in a slinky negligee and looking as though she's definitely up for some pre-marital bedroom action. Dan notices that, for some weird reason, she has his baby photo in a frame sitting on her end table...so she explains that his mother gave it to her, and says if she thought that a baby of theirs would turn out as cute as he was, she'd want them locked away in a room together forever. Dan responds to her sexy invitation to an all night romp by telling her he's so pooped that he's off to his cabin to turn in for the night, then gives her a kiss goodnight and tells her he'll see her in the morning. Ouch.
Mr. Ross enters Doc's office in a second effort to get some sort of medical treatment for his sore back, and Dawn tells him that Doc will be back in a minute and that he can have a seat. She then bends over as she continues with her her filing...and Mr. Ross leans over to get a better eyeful of her shapely derriere, which somehow results in him snapping his spine back into proper alignment. When Doc returns a few seconds later, Mr. Ross abruptly says his back is all better and races off. Doc is shocked that Dawn was able to cure the man's back problem so quickly, but a befuddled Dawn tells him that she didn't actually do anything.
Diana tells Bruce they should be honest with his parents about the fact that she's actually Ginger and not some random cruise fling, not least 'cause she doesn't want their marriage to be built on a foundation of deceit. Bruce disagrees and says he'd prefer to stick to their original plan, and she wonders aloud if he's even mature enough to be married. [I'm comfortable guessing not.]
Laura tells Gary how miffed she is about all the time Dan is spending with Glenda...then glances across the deck and sees Dan and Glenda amiably chatting. She reacts by bursting into tears while Gary offers her a comforting hug.
Bruce glumly tells his parents that he and Diana had an argument...and when Harry just shrugs and suggests he simply meet someone new, Bruce dejectedly shuffles off. Harry tells Phyllis he's taking Bruce's extreme glumness about Diana - aka a woman he just met - as solid proof that he could not have been very into Ginger.
Mexican Fiesta Night! Julie asks Bruce if he'd like to share a margarita, but he despondently tells her he'd rather mope alone...and Diana, likewise, declines an invitation from Gopher to hit the dance floor. Harry and Phyllis, meanwhile, notice how miserable Bruce and Diana look while they deliberately avoid each other...and Phyllis admits to her husband that it prolly isn't a good idea for them to be sticking their big fat noses in their son's love life.
While cutting a rug, Laura tells Dan she's thinking of turning in early, and he nods and grunts something non-committal as the two exit the lounge.
Harry and Phyllis tell Bruce they're no longer going to interfere in his love life, and he sheepishly says he owes them both a huge apology before confessing that he and "Diana" have been conning them, and reveals that she's actually Ginger. A few seconds later, Ginger comes over, tells Phyllis and Harry that she's sick of playing games and admits to being Ginger, and that she really really wants them to like her for herself. She adds that nothing is going to be able to keep her and her beloved apart...and as the two engage in a make-up smooch, a happy Phyllis assures her that she has their blessing.
When Dawn arrives in the Acapulco Lounge, Doc sourly remarks on how surprised he is that she's not in his exam room, performing emergency brain surgery. She asks him whassup with his pissy bitchitude, so he poutishly retorts that he was hoping they'd celebrate their last night at sea coupling up. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing wanders over, still plagued with his hiccuping problem, and Daws overrides Doc's gargling with salt water advice and administers some from behind pressure to his diaphragm. Captain Stubing dumbly stares into space for a few seconds before announcing that his hiccups have completely disappeared, then happily tells Doc that his hot nurse is a miracle worker.
As the ship docks in Cabo San Lucas, Captain Stubing tells Dan he's ready to serve as his best man, but Dan glumly says he's rethinking marrying a woman so many years his junior 'cause he has to assume that she'd be much happier with someone her own age...like Gary Foster, for example. He then says he's going to pack up his things and fly back to L.A. so that Laura can be free to troll the ship for young-ish men.
When Dan drops by Laura's cabin, he's shocked to find her packing her things...and when he asks her whassup, she tells him she's flying back to L.A. today so that he can be free to hang with older women...like Glenda Fairbanks, for example. She sadly declares she loves him, doesn't give a hoot that he's twenty years older than her, and accuses him of giving up on their love. As she starts weeping, Dan hugs her, apologizes for giving her the impression that he suddenly wasn't into her anymore, and promises to never again do anything that makes her cry. The two then exchange I love yous and agree that neither wants a life that doesn't include the other.
Doc snaps at Dawn for not keeping his medical files better organized, and also for discarding a bunch of old magazines from the waiting room. When she's all "The fuck is your problem?", he shrieks, "Just do your job!" Dawn tries to explain to the horny dolt that that's all she's been doing while on this ship, then bursts into tears and runs out of the room - just as Julie enters, correctly assumes that Doc just behaved like a misogynistic horse's ass, and angrily refers to him as "a heel".
In the next scene, Doc drops by Dawn's cabin to apologize for his unprofessional behavior just now, and she tells him she's packing her stuff 'cause clearly she's not cut out for nursing. Doc agrees, but only to urge her to pursue medical school 'cause of the amazing instincts she has for engaging with patients...and Dawn's all, "Wuh?" and reminds him that since she was a sex symbol in Vegas for so long, people tend to not take her seriously. Doc quips, "I know what you mean" [lol, except you don't], then sits her down to explain that doctors are not gods, and that much of the time the job of a doctor is listening to patients...something at which she clearly excels [and something he sucks very hard at]. He offers to write a glowing letter of recommendation for her medical school application, and she hugs him and asks how she can ever thank him - nooooooo, Dawn! - and he's like, "You're seriously asking a serial sexual harasser that?" and plants a big smooch on her lips...'cause, sure, that's a totally reasonable way for a doctor to be conducting himself with someone who's looking to be mentored as a health services professional.
Captain Stubing stops by Laura's cabin to break the news of Dan's sudden change of heart, and is all 'wuh?!' to find Dan there. The captain insists that they strongly consider getting married in Las Vegas following the cruise, but Dan cheerily informs him that that won't be necessary 'cause he and Laura were able to find a justice of the peace in Cabo earlier in the day and tied the knot in an impromptu ceremony. Hurray!
When the ship docks in Los Angeles, the Morrisons gabble about how happy they are to be gaining a daughter-in-law...and when Gopher tries to invite Diana to dinner, she's like, "Er...no" 'cause she's engaged to Bruce, who's also her boy back home. As she merrily exits the ship, Gopher stares after her confusedly. Give it the fuck up, Gopher.
Dan and Laura bid Captain Stubing adieu and tell him that since he didn't get the opportunity to be best man at their wedding, he'll have the honor of being godfather to their kids. A few seconds later, Mrs. Martin remarks to Dan what a beautiful daughter he has, and he cheekily replies, "She's not my daughter - but don't tell my wife" ... and as he winks at her, she huffily storms off while Dan, Laura, and Captain Stubing chuckle in amusement.
Dawn says goodbye to the crew - just as Doc starts coughing. Dawn recommends that he get plenty of bed rest and take antibiotics, then submits to kissing him one last time. Captain Stubing then ambles over, once again hiccupping...which, for some reason, seems to greatly amuse both himself and the crew.
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"Taking Sides / A Friendly Little Game / Going By the Book"
Original airdate: 2/17/1978
Episode summary: A retiree is shamed by Captain Stubing when he's caught cheating the crew at Gin Rummy to earn some much needed cash. A newly married couple befriends a bickering husband and wife and soon begins bickering themselves. A sheltered young woman is entrusted to Doc to keep suitors at bay.
Recap: Howard Wilson gets a ride to The Love Boat port from his much better looking friend Bernie, who encourages him to seek serious action while on the cruise and not blow it with the chicks. Howard's like, "I dunno how to come onto girls the way you do", so Bernie hands him a small handbook titled How to Hit on Girls and urges him to make good use of it. Howard chucklingly tells Bernie he's less interested in scoring with lots of women than he is in meeting someone nice - but Bernie just shakes his head in dismay before telling his dorky friend to watch and learn. He then sashays over to a beautiful woman standing nearby and asks her if she's a model...and when she tells him she is - 'cause, sure, models are usually standing on random street corners - he offers to give her a lift, She's like 'sure, getting into a strange man's car sounds like a super idea' and climbs into the passenger seat...and Howard looks very impressed by his friend's ability to woo.
Newlyweds Ellen and Scott Desmond check in with Julie and tell her they just got married and that this cruise is serving as their honeymoon - just as an older couple ambles by with the husband bickering about how much he haaaates being on board this horrible ship. Ellen exchanges a yikes glance with Scott and says she hopes that they never end up like those two...which is a clear indication that they're about to end up exactly like the squabbling spouses.
A retired couple, Wendel and Ida Snead, check in with Julie and tell her they're meeting up with their daughter and her family when the ship docks in Cabo San Lucas and hope it's OK if their grandchildren come aboard. Julie assures them it's no problem, and even offers to give the kidlets a tour. Ida gushes to her husband about the luxuriousness of the ship and asks him how they're able to afford such an extravagant vacay, and he avoids answering and just reminds her that the doctor ordered her not to fly. The two approach Isaac and Gopher, who don't think to discontinue their conversation about the crew's emergency fund that currently contains $635. Gopher reminds Isaac that he owes the fund his latest payment, while Isaac reminds him that he still owes him $10 for their last Gin Rummy game. Wendel perks up at the mention of Gin Rummy and tells Gopher he'd looooove to play with him sometime.
Captain Stubing assures an overprotective Mr. Lawrence that he and his crew will take excellent care of his dimwitted (and fully grown) daughter Sheila...and a few seconds later, Sheila arrives on the ship, tripping over her luggage. Doc looks immediately smitten with the blonde simpleton and tells Gopher he wouldn't mind playing bodyguard with her during the cruise. Mr. Lawrence hovers over Sheila as he urges her to be careful of everything every minute of every day she's aboard this ship, and she irritably assures him she can take care of herself. After he kisses her goodbye, Howard glances across the lobby and notices her vapid beauty, looks instantly smitten, and summons enough courage to pull a Bernie and ask her if she's a model - but before she's able to reply, Doc interjects and whisks her away.
While unpacking, Ida once again wrings her hands worriedly about how they're able to afford this cruise. Wendel admits that he took out a small mortgage on their house, and Ida's all, "The fuck..?!" and reminds him that they have only their meagre pensions to live on. He tells her he's figuring out a way to earn some extra money and assures her that he'll provide for them, and Ida somehow buys into that un-fleshed out plan and says she's A-OK with blindly put her faith in him. When an announcement is made via the ship's PA system about jackpot bingo, Ida says she's off to play, while Wendel says he'd prefer to stay in and refresh his memory on how to play Gin Rummy. After Ida exits the cabin, he takes out a deck of Magic Marked Cards, practices how to use them to cheat his opponent, then sheepishly mutters, "Ida, forgive me."
When Ellen and Scott arrive at the dining room, Julie - for some God only knows why reason - seats them at a table with the bickering couple from earlier, Max and Gladys Watkins. Max and Gladys inform the newlyweds that they've been married for twenty-five years, then continue their incessant bickering.
Wendel compliments Captain Stubing on his great crew, then adds that he and Gopher have [some ill-fated] plans to play a game of Gin Rummy.
While forcibly dining with Doc, Sheila flirtily waves at Howard until Doc warns her that Howard is nothing more than a "cruise ship cowboy" who's just looking to score and, in the process, rip her hear apart. Sheila says she'd still like to be introduced - just as Doc excuses himself for a private word with Captain Stubing. Howard uses the opportunity to wander over to Sheila to moan about how in love with her he is, and Doc notices the exchange and is all, "Ack!" before rushing back over to shoo the dorky suitor away.
Later on the deck, Howard spies on Doc and Sheila, then sneaks into the lobby to report to Julie that he has a stomach ache. She tells him to go to his cabin and lay down, then asks for his cabin number so that she can dispatch Doc, and he gives her a phony number before scuttling off. Julie then wanders over to Doc to alert him about a passenger's faux stomach ache...and Howard keeps out of sight while consulting his How to Hit on Girls book for a good opening line. Once the coast is clear, he approaches Sheila and stammers about the way her eyes reflect the shimmering moonlight on the rippling water. Or some such schlock.
Doc arrives at the wrong cabin and interrupts a couple's sexy time...and the man tells Doc there's no stomach ache here and snarls at him to get the hell out.
Sheila is deeply impressed with Howard's smooth speaking style. He gives her one last kiss for the night, says, "See you tomorrow", and rushes off a few seconds before Doc returns.
Scott and Ellen climb into bed and sexily canoodle as they agree on how lucky they are that they're nothing like that bickering Watkins couple. A few seconds later, Ellen says she kind of sympathizes with Gladys, so Scott's like, "In that case, I sympathize with Max." He chides Ellen for planning a cruise for their honeymoon even though she knew how much he wanted to go to Aspen, then makes a half-hearted effort to diffuse the argument he needlessly started before shutting the light off.
After a few rounds of Gin Rummy, Gopher is in debt to Wendel for $321...but when Ida arrives at the bar, the two men lead her to believe that the debt is only about $5. Gopher privately tells Wendel he doesn't have enough cash on hand to pay the entire sum, so Wendel says he'll give him until noon tomorrow...and Gopher scrunches his face worriedly 'cause clearly the only way he's going to be able to come up with that kind of money is by raiding the crew's emergency fund. After Gopher dejectedly shuffles off, Wendel orders a gin from Isaac and invites him to be his next Gin Rummy victim.
As the ship docks in Cabo San Lucas the following day, Wendel suckers Julie into a game of Gin Rummy with his set of marked cards.
Scott and Ellen wander over to the Desmonds, who are lounging by the pool, to say hey...and then, for some God only knows why reason, Scott starts talking smack about how he's making the best of this honeymoon cruise, despite that fact that he would much prefer to be skiing in Aspen. Ellen's all, "The fuck?", snarks back that next time they go on a honeymoon he can plan it, and storms off. Max schools Young Scott in the art of spousal squabbling, declaring that the man rarely wins an argument until he's at least ten years into the marriage. As Scott races after his wife, a put out looking Gladys asks Max if he doesn't think they have any good times together, and he replies, "Good times. Bad times. Who cares? It's all about being together, and that's all good" ... and Gladys beams happily and coos about how much she loves him [in spite of the endless arguing].
Doc urges Sheila to wear a hat 'cause of the intensity of the Mexican sun, and she snappishly groans, "Doctor, please..", then spots Howard sitting across the pool, motioning for her to come on over. She tells Doc that she's suddenly interested in taking a dip, then slips into the pool and swims over to Howard...and the two exchange some amiable chit-chat - until Doc gets wind of what's going on and rushes over to tell Howard to beat it. As Sheila climbs out of the pool, Howard points at the nearby pool shower, and Sheila nods conspiratorially at him, then tells Doc she'd like a piña colada...and while he's distracted with that task, she races over to the pool shower, where Howard smooches her under the running water and delivers more schmaltzy lines from How to Hit on Girls.
Scott returns from his day trip in Cabo, finds Ellen standing by the deck railing, and presents her with a turkey piñata as a peace offering. She snarlingly tells him she doesn't want it - but does want him to admit that he was wrong to bitchily complain about them not honeymooning in Aspen. As the two start bickering back and forth, Gladys wanders over and remarks on how much they remind her of herself and Max - but adds that their marriage also has a loving side to it. Max appears and chides his wife for meddling in the Desmond's affairs...and as Scott fails to shut his stupid pie hole and continues bickering, an angry Ellen storms off.
Gopher opens up the crew emergency fund box, and is taking out some of the cash when Isaac unexpectedly pops by his cabin. After an ill attempt of hiding the fund box beneath the bedding, Gopher confesses that he needs to make a sizeable withdrawal 'cause he owes Wendel Snead money. Isaac's like, "Hey, me too!" and says that his Gin Rummy debt is $149...and a few seconds later, Julie calls Gopher to report that she owes Wendel $67 after their Gin Rummy game. Cue Doc, who stops by Gopher's cabin to inform him and Isaac that a kindly old man just tried to sucker him into a game of Gin with a marked deck...and that he can spot a marked deck from a mile away 'cause apparently one of his ex-wives was a card dealer in Vegas and, for whatever reason, taught him how to spot a marked deck from a mile away.
Gopher, Isaac, and Doc promptly launch Operation Trick Wendel into Giving Back the Gin Rummy Money, which translates to Gopher going over to Wendel's cabin and telling him he'd like a chance to win some of his money back. Wendel decides 'sure, why the hell not?' and shuffles his deck of marked cards...while Doc peers through the cabin's window with binoculars so that he can see what's in Wendel's hand so that he can radio Isaac, who in turn makes announcements via the ship's PA system that offer some non-subtle clues to Gopher about what his next moves should be...which seems like a ridiculously cumbersome way to cheat at cards even for 1978, but OK.
Sheila drops by Howard's cabin, who recites another corny line from How to Hit on Girls, and Sheila marvels about how he always knows just what to say to make her swoon.
Captain Stubing meets up with Julie and is all 'the fuck?' about Isaac's series of weird PA announcements..
and, much to Julie's alarm, decides he needs to get to the bottom of it pronto.
Sheila tells Howard she's eager for him to meet her father, then adds that he's been sooooo worried that she's going to fall for a disingenuous Casanova who plots to take advantage of her. As they embrace, she suddenly notices that he's clutching the How to Hit on Girls book. She grabs it from him, reads a few passages, and angrily swats him over the head with it before angrily fleeing the cabin.
Captain Stubing, with Julie, Isaac, and Doc in tow, enters Wendel's cabin to apologize for his crew's nefarious plan to cheat him at Gin Rummy, and assures him that they're all going to be fired asap. Wendel deflates and implores him to not do that, then sheepishly confesses that he was the one who had cheated them first. Captain Stubing sternly retorts, "In that case, you should be ashamed of yourself", so Wendel explains that he desperately needed the money 'cause he took out a mortgage on his house he could ill afford just so Ida could meet her grandchildren. He adds that he has no way to pay the money back, and that if Ida finds out about his deceit, it'd kill her. Or, at best, severely embarrass her. Gopher chews on that for a few seconds, then solemnly collects the pile of cash on the card table and says that he was able to win back most of the money the crew lost...and Captain Stubing decides he couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses about Wendel's financial predicament and declares the matter closed.
That evening in the lounge, Sheila's dancing with Doc while Howard stands off to the side and rehearses what he hopes he's going to have the opportunity to say to her.
Ellen seats herself with Gladys at a table while Scott joins Max at the nearby bar...and the two men lament the fact that their wives are not currently speaking to them.
Ida brings her grandchildren aboard the ship, and Julie gaily offers to give the tots a tour.
Scott tells Max he's seriously contemplating apologizing to Ellen, but Max urges him to stay strong and not give in...and to go so far as to emulate his marriage even after the kind of dysfunction he and Gladys have been regularly demonstrating on this cruise. Scott points out that Gladys is so peeved at him that she doesn't want to sit anywhere near him, and Max has no response to that as he sheepishly glances over at his wife.
Scott saunters over to where Ellen's sitting and apologizes, and she responds with an apology for her bitchitude before leaning in for a make up kiss. After the two head off together, Max musters up the nerve to approach his wife and stammers, "I'm sorry", something he acknowledges he's never said in twenty-five years of marriage, and Gladys coos, "Ooooh Max", and gives him a happy kiss.
Howard explains to Sheila that he got the How to Hit on Girls book from his womanizing friend Bernie, and says if she were his girl he'd be soooo proud that he'd be yelling, "She's my girl!" He then shrieks that pronouncement three times...and as everyone in hearing range applauds his proclamation of love [despite knowing his girl for less than a week], Sheila is so overcome that she knocks over everything on the table and gets tangled up in the tablecloth as she presses herself against Howard.
Captain Stubing, Gopher, and Isaac approach Wendel to give/loan? him the money from the crew's emergency fund. When Wendel's all, "Wuh? But I'm not a member of the crew!", Captain Stubing explains that being part of the extended Pacific Princess family means they know how to forgive, and are willing to help out when one of them is in trouble by raiding the crew's emergency fund. Wendel looks overcome by their kindness and expresses his gratitude at having two families, then cuddles his grandchildren.
When the ship reaches port in Los Angeles, Mr. Lawrence tells Captain Stubing he was upset to learn that Sheila has suddenly gotten engaged. A few seconds later, Sheila saunters over with Howard, who's frantically searching his How to Hit on Girls book for just the right line to impress his future father-in-law...despite the obvious fact that the book is useless in this particular circumstance, given that Mr. Lawrence isn't a girl he wants to hit on. Sheila tells Howard he doesn't need that silly book anymore, then grabs it out of his hand and tosses it in the direction of Doc, who catches it and looks intrigued by the title. LOL.
Ida tells the crew that she and her family will cherish the memories of this cruise forever, while Wendel quietly assures Gopher that he'll repay the money they gave him. Gopher tells him to take his time with that, then waves goodbye as the couple climbs into a cab and heads home.
"Computerman / Parlez Vous / Memories of You"
Original airdate: 2/12/1978
Episode summary: Love blossoms aboard The Love Boat's Valentine's Day singles' cruise, during which Gopher romances a beautiful woman who pretends to only speak French and Julie falls for the computer whiz she hired as the ship's matchmaker. A quasi-amnesiac is confronted by the woman who was once his ad agency partner and fiancée.
Recap: An uncharacteristically cheery Captain Stubing greets Julie and Gopher and excitedly gabbles about this episode's Valentine's Day singles' cruise. Julie shares his excitement and reminds him that she hired a professional matchmaker to pair up singles seeking love, and he perks up at that and says that he too would like to participate. [Even though he has a large ship to run and should prolly be focusing full time on that.]
Heather McKenzie and her friend Penny Jacobs check in and meet fellow passenger and love-seeker Betsy Carruthers...and the gals salivate over a trio of hot men in their orbit and gush about how excited they are about getting paired up with a potential mate.
Doc sidles up to an attractive passenger named Lilly Mackim, asks her to dance, and explains that he figured he'd get his bid in first - but Lilly makes it clear that she has zero interest in hooking up with him and says she had no idea that this was going to be a singles' cruise. Doc smarmily asks her if she'd like a tour of the ship - just as she sees a man she knows and shrieks, "Alex!" while rushing over to him. The man stares back at her blankly and says she has the wrong person, and she perplexedly explains to Doc that the man looked exactly like someone she was once close to - but Doc just shrugs unconcernedly and says there must be lots of people in the world who are dead ringers for Ricky Nelson.
Julie summons Gopher to get his translation assistance for two attractive female passengers who are pretending to only speak French. Gopher introduces himself to the busty Brigitte and sassy Yvonne as they hand him a note requesting a French/English translator for the duration of the cruise, which kinda seems like a big ask that probably should have been requested well in advance. Gopher boasts to Julie about how he's practically bilingual, but then quickly gets confused when Brigitte and Yvonne chatter at him in French before being all 'd'accord' and heading off to their cabin. Julie asks Gopher what they were saying just now, and tells her he has no idea, but that it's definitely going to be fun finding out.
A large computer is being carefully carried onto the ship - just as the man in charge of the Valentine cruise's computerized matchmaking event, Nick Heider, greets Julie by gushing, "Hi doll face." He boasts about how many people he and his computer have paired...and when he playfully warns Julie that she might be next, she coldly informs him that as cruise director she arranges these events and doesn't actually participate. Nick insists that her "deepest romantic needs" could very well be met via this machine, then suggests the strong possibility of her becoming "the computer man's Valentine". As he gives her an air kiss and heads off, Julie stares after him with her face contorted angrily and tells Gopher that she's definitely not impressed with the guy.
Gopher delivers a special bienvenue basket to Brigitte and Yvonne, then stammeringly asks Brigitte in his limited French if she'd like to get together later for a moonlit dance. He gets a oui and exits the cabin, after which Brigitte tells Yvonne - in fluent English - that she doesn't thinks he can pull off pretending to be French for the entire cruise...and that she nearly slipped into her native English just now 'cause of how cute she finds Gopher. Yvonne dismissively reminds her friend that they're after gorgeous (and wealthy) not cute, and that they're impersonating French women 'cause of how crazy men are about their sexy aura and mystique.
Nick is collecting completed information cards from a long line of men and women interested in being love-matched, then somehow feeds them into his computer. Lilly tells Doc she has about as much interest in participating in that as she did in wanting to dance with him earlier...and Isaac concurs with that sentiment and adds that he doesn't need a machine to get women, but rather one to fight them off. LOL. Doc gazes hungrily at Lilly and, for whatever clueless reason, presses ahead with his flirting and asks her if she's contemplating the two of them engaging in a mad, passionate affair - OMFG - and instead of bothering to respond, Lilly directs her attention to the man she's sure she recognized earlier. She shows Doc a photo and asks him if they look like the same man...and when Doc concedes that, yep, there's definitely a strong resemblance there, Lilly explains that she's certain this man is her former ad agency partner and fiancé, Alex Fowler. When he suddenly vanished without a trace several years ago, she assumed the worst. A few seconds later, "Alex" wanders over and gets re-introduced to Lilly, tells her he goes by the nameTed Wilcox, and invites her to join him for dinner tonight. She happily accepts, then later tells Doc she's more certain than ever that Ted is Alex, not least 'cause her heart knows the man she loved for four years.
Three single men - Sam, Chet, and Daryl - seeking love matches arrive at the front of the line to submit their information cards to Nick. An intrigued Sam asks Nick if his computer is the 272 MiniScan - fancy! - then explains that he uses a similar computer to analyze old fossils in his line of work as a geo-physical researcher.
Captain Stubing fills out his information card with Julie's help, and after that she bounds over to where Nick is about to power up the matchmaking app on his 272 MiniScan. As the computerized coupling gets underway, the first two pairs are announced:
Yvonne reclines on a pool lounger next to a wealthy businessman named Seymour and asks him for a light, and he oohs and ooh la las about how nuts he is for sexy French women.
Sam, meanwhile, gets love-matched with Penny, who saucily tells him, "This is your lucky day." LOL.
Gopher ambles over to where Yvonne is sitting and translates the conversation between her and Seymour, who she quickly learns is a wealthy commodities trader. Gopher then asks where Brigitte is, so she tells him that she went to "le salon de beauté" before re-directing her attention back to Seymour.
Nick announces the next love-matched couple: himself and Julie! As Julie stares daggers at her admirer, Captain Stubing eagerly awaits his match - but soon learns that since his profile seems to have broken the matchmaking app, he isn't actually going to be paired with anyone.
Gopher runs into Brigitte in the passageway - just as Seymour, his friend Walt, and Yvonne come strolling over. Seymour asks Gopher to communicate to Brigitte how much Walt digs her and would like to have dinner with her...and when Brigitte responds, "Pourquoi pas?", Gopher fake translates her reply of why not? to mean that she's all booked up for dinner, and thinks Walt has exceptionally large ears, elephant feet, and an unsightly nose that reminds her of a banana. Walt says he doesn't care for being insulted about his appearance [which is actually somewhere between grim and mediocre] and storms off...and once he, Seymour, and Yvonne are out of earshot, a gleeful Gopher asks Brigitte if she'd like to have dinner with him.
Lilly insists to Doc that Ted is really Alex, and that her proof of his real identity is that he's wearing the same ring as her, which he had designed and then commissioned a New York jeweller to make. Doc chews on that for a few seconds and suggests that maybe Ted doesn't know he's Alex 'cause he's suffering from amnesia...and Lilly says that as plausible as that might possibly sound, she's determined to get "Ted" back to reality and is willing to do anything to spark his memory, e.g. sing to him the jingles he wrote when they were the hottest ad agency duo on Madison Avenue.
Heather and Daryl are enjoying a Valentine's Day dinner, cooing about how beautiful the other is.
Seymour tells a glum Walt that Brigitte's rejection was probably just a misunderstanding, and that he's sure she'd be A-OK with taking a break from dancing with Gopher to dance with him...then quietly tells Yvonne he has a lot of money riding on showing Walt a good time. When Seymour tries to cut in on Gopher by asking Brigitte if she'd like to dance with Walt, she replies with, "Pourquoi pas?", and Walt assumes she's once again insulting his physical appearance and storms off. Yvonne runs after him and Seymour, while Brigitte and Gopher continue to cut a rug and ignore the drama.
When Alex/Ted notices that he and Lilly are wearing the exact same ring, he admits to having no memory of where he got it. Lilly tells him that her ring is a unique treasure that was designed by a friend and then made by a New York jeweller, but Alex/Ted just shrugs and says that the jeweller must have made two of them, which ended up on their respective fingers by sheer coincidence. Lilly somehow refrains from pointing out the implausibility of that silly theory and starts reciting the jingle for Cupid Cologne that he wrote several years ago, but he doesn't appear to recognize it and chuckles over its inanity.
Nick ambles over to Julie while she's filling her plate at the dinner buffet and accuses her of avoiding him all evening. He reminds her that, according to the logic formulated by his 272 MiniScan, the two of them are fated to be together - but she vehemently disagrees, snarls at him to bug off, and tells him that love isn't supposed to be based on logic, but rather spontaneous, crazy emotions. Nick declares that he has a hopeless crush on her, and then kisses her bare shoulder, but she bitchily insists that it's all bull**** before huffily storming off.
Alex/Ted invites Lilly to his cabin so that he can privately play a ditty he wrote for her called Lilly's Song. Lilly blushingly says she's sooooo flattered, but that she can't help noticing the melody is that of the jingle for Cupid Cologne. Alex/Ted mulls that over for a few seconds, realizes she's right, and mutters, "Hmm...weird." Lilly suggests that they team up to create an original song, and he tells her he likes the sound of that, then leans in for a smooch. Lilly pauses to ask him if their smooching reminds him of anything (e.g. their smoochfests pre-amnesia), but he just blankly asks, "Of what?" ... so she's like, "Er, never mind" and continues kissing him.
The next day, Julie wanders around the pool area and notices all of the love-matched couples canoodlishly enjoying each other's company. A few seconds later, she runs into Nick, compliments him on his matchmaking, and apologizes for her bitchitude last night. He accepts her apology and admits that he's probably been coming on too strong, then suggests they have dinner together later...and she accepts - just as they run into Captain Stubing, who says he really really wants another shot at getting love-matched.
Gopher struggles to articulate to Brigitte in French how much he digs her, then gives up and rushes off to fetch his English/French dictionary. Once he's out of earshot, Yvonne walks over to ask Brigitte where she's been all morning...and when Brigitte responds in English, Yvonne shushes her and warns her to not speak English so loudly until after she's off the boat. Brigitte rolls her eyes and says she doubts she can keep this charade going for much longer, then suggests they tell people she suddenly became fully bilingual after studying a Berlitz book she bought in the ship's gift shop. Yvonne gives that idea a hard no, and Brigitte snappishly decrees she's not going on anymore cruises with her, then angrily flounces off.
Alex/Ted tells Lilly he feels like he's known her for years and that they're meant for each other...and she refrains from reminding him that he has actually known her for years, and instead declares, "I love you." He proposes marriage and invites her to move to California with him, but she points out that she has a very lucrative career in New York and suggests an alternate plan: he move to New York and become her ad agency partner (again). Alex/Ted nixes that idea and says he doubts he'd fit into the New York scene and has serious doubts about his jingle writing abilities, and a fed up Lilly angrily asks him why he refuses to remember that, not so long ago, he was the best gosh darn jingle writer in the New York advertising world. Alex/Ted stubbornly insists he's not Alex Fowler...and that that's his story and he's sticking to it.
Heather drops by Daryl's cabin as he's shaving, and quickly gets annoyed by how frequently he seems to love looking at himself in the mirror. Daryl gets insulted and snarks back that she's a boring egghead with no sex appeal, so she retaliates by spraying shaving cream all over his face before storming out.
As Gopher struggles with his limited French, he wearily tells Brigitte he wishes she could speak his language, so she blurts out something in English - just as Yvonne, who's eavesdropping from a nearby table, distracts Gopher from realizing that Brigitte is a native English speaker by pouring wine all over his uniform. As Gopher gets up to change out of his wet clothes, Yvonne tells him she has something that can help get the wine stains out, then shoots Brigitte the stink-eye before racing out of the lounge after Gopher.
Julie is happily dancing with Nick and telling him she now firmly believes that his computerized matchmaking service wasn't bull**** after all. But while that's happening, Sam chides Penny for constantly droning on about sex and makes it clear that he's no longer into her.
Yvonne lures Gopher into her cabin to get him undressed and reveal that the jig is up. She haughtily tells Gopher that she can't get rid of the stain, but can get rid of him...then gathers up his uniform and exits the cabin, leaving behind a bewildered, underwear clad Gopher.
Lilly tells Doc she blew it with Alex/Ted when she suggested he live and work with her in New York - but adds that, in her defence, she knows for certain that he has a brilliant mind and can make it on Madison Avenue as a hot jingle writer. Doc points out that perhaps it was the pressure of trying to make it on Madison Avenue that broke his brain in the first place, and Lilly mulls that over and concedes that, yeah, maybe she has been putting undue pressure on him. She then decides she actually loves the man who's now passing himself off as Ted Wilcox, and has come to the realization that she wants more out of life than jingle writing. Doc concurs with that sentiment and urges her to give up everything she's ever worked for to follow her new [er, previous] man to California.
Captain Stubing asks Nick if he fed his information card into the computer yet, and Nick just mumbles something noncommittal as he beats a hasty retreat with Julie.
Gopher puts on a woman's coat he finds in Yvonne's closet and exits her cabin - just as Captain Stubing happens to walk by. He's all 'the fuck?' and orders Gopher to report to his office pronto to explain why he's in his gitch wearing a female passenger's outerwear.
Julie is hanging in Nick's cabin, enjoying a cup of cocoa, when three couples who were love-matched by his computer interrupt their canoodling to bitterly complain about how intensely they suddenly hate each other.
Lilly apologizes to Ted for trying to turn him into the man she once knew and loved, then asks him if his marriage proposal is still on the table. He says it is...and that while can't give her Manhattan, he can offer her a rocking chair and a sunset for inspiration for song-writing, and she's like, "Sounds fab. Count me in, Gramps."
As The Love Boat approaches the port in Los Angeles, Seymour and Walt overhear Brigitte admonishing Gopher for abandoning her on the dance floor last night. The two men are all, "Wuh? You speak fluent English?" - just as Yvonne emerges from the gift shop with an expensive piece of jewelry she's hoping her new sugar daddy will purchase for her. When Seymour tells her to take a hike and storms off, she cries, "There goes my millionaire!" and chases after him. Gopher, meanwhile, chides Brigitte for making a fool of him by pretending to not speak English for days on end, but she just shrugs and says it was all Yvonne's idea, then placates him with a kiss.
Lilly says goodbye to Doc as she exits the ship with Ted/Alex, who plants her lips with a smooch before declaring, "I love you...more than I did before." As Lilly somehow refrains from shrieking, "I knew you were faking!", he admits that, yeah, he remembers that he's really Alex Fowler from the tri-state area, but would much prefer to continue identifying as Ted Wilcox, aka a Californian who likes sitting in a rocking chair all day 'cause he's metamorphosed into a 30-something going on 80.
Nick flushes with embarrassment at how badly the computerized love-matches panned out for several couples, and Captain Stubing says that the machine is obviously broken, 'cause otherwise it would have been able to match him up with someone. A few seconds later, the three unhappy couples have re-shuffled themselves and are now paired with different mates:
Nick says he's surprised by the re-coupling, not least 'cause the computer would never have paired those combinations of people together...then admits to Julie that he rigged their hook-up 'cause he developed a crush on her the moment they first met. Julie beams happily at that pronouncement, then clutches his hand as she escorts him off the ship.
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"The Inspector / A Very Special Girl / Until the Last Goodbye"
Original airdate: 2/10/1978
Episode summary: A plain-looking friend travelling with her gorgeous BFF unexpectedly finds love. A father who's unnaturally close to his daughter enjoys one last vacation before his end-of-life hospital visit. The crew is tipped off about a cruise line inspector being aboard the ship.
Recap: Brian Sherwood is milling around the purser's lobby when he asks Julie when the ship will be setting sail. She tells him it'll be another half hour and chirps, "She'll make it" 'cause she's assuming that a silver fox such as himself has to be waiting for a lady friend - but he doesn't confirm or deny her assumption and just solemnly thanks her for the info.
A clueless middle-aged woman named Mrs. Corwin checks in with Gopher, and he's soon visibly bewildered by her general airheadedness.
Doc races over to help Gopher check in a beautiful young blonde named Melanie Taylor and her far less beautiful friend, Plain Jane Cole. Gopher gushily flirts with Melanie, but is soon put to shame by his serial womanizer colleague, Doc, who puts his arm around Melanie and invites her to come by his cabin for a private welcome...while Jane's all, "Hey! Wait for me!" as she scampers after them.
Two male passengers, Mike Andrews and Doug Ketchum, attempt to "rescue" Melanie from Doc's creepy clutches...while Jane rolls her eyes at the openly smitten men her friend is always attracting everywhere she goes.
A grumpy arrival named Marvin Waterman complains to Gopher about how long he's had to wait in line to get himself checked in, and Gopher explains that things tend to get plugged up when the passengers all arrive at the same time. Mrs. Corwin wanders back over to tell Gopher she can't figure out how to find the Fiesta Deck, followed by a panicked looking Russian man in a black hat and coat (we later learned is Mr. Zidreczky) who asks something urgent sounding in Russian, but is completely ignored.
Captain Stubing tells his crew he got a tip that there's going to be an inspector aboard this cruise to judge how well everyone's performing their duties...and that since he has no idea what this inspector looks like, it could be anyone. Julie assures the captain that since they're such a super marvellous crew there's nothing to worry about - just as Gopher remembers that he left Mr. Zidreczky standing haplessly by the ship's entrance.
Sarah Lambert arrives on board and greets Brian Sherwood, who gushes about how it's been three long weeks since he's seen her. The two then get all hand-holdy as they check in with Julie...and as they make their way through the lobby, Brian tells Sarah that he booked them a pair of connecting cabins 'cause he figured she'd want her privacy, then adds, "I also didn't want to tarnish your reputation." Mmm hmm..?
Melanie changes into her bikini and tells Jane that of all the men who were buzzing around her earlier, she digs Mike the most. Jane bitterly tells her she's going to have a ball as usual, then complains about being talked into taking a cruise that is most definitely not her scene. Melanie chides her for her negativity and assures her that they'll both have plenty of dates, but Jane just stares back at her looking justifiably skeptical.
Doc and Julie fill in Isaac about the inspector, and he grimaces and says he has a friend on a different ship who told him that after a particularly brutal inspection, much of the crew was fired. A few seconds later, Mrs. Corwin ambles over to ask where the doctor's office is, so Doc introduces himself as the ship's physician and asks her if anything's bothering her. Mrs. Corwin says she's fine, and that she just wanted to know where his office is...then rightly points out that he doesn't seem to spend much of his time there. Doc explains that he'd be paged in the event of a medical emergency, so she questions why he needs an office at all...and after she ambles off, the crew wonders aloud if perhaps the middle-aged airhead [who was somehow spot on about Doc's lackadaisical work ethic] could possibly be the inspector.
Brian toasts his and Sarah's togetherness, then asks if her marriage situation has improved enough to want to stay with her husband. Sarah says it's bearable enough to endure for the sake of her children, kind of like the way he did before he finally got divorced. She then chides him for bringing up the topic of her troubled marriage when they're supposed to be enjoying this time away from the rest of the world, and Brian apologizes and gently kisses her hand.
Over by the pool, Doc flirts with Melanie, then invites himself to escort her to the gift shop. A glum Jane stares after them for a few seconds, then buries her nose in a book - just as Mike wanders over to ask if she knows where Melanie is. She tells him she's over in the gift shop with Doc, then has to repeat herself a few seconds later when Doug saunters over to ask her the same thing. Following that, Mr. Zidreczky pops over to anxiously blather something in Russian, and she bellows, "She's in the gift shop!" LOL.
That evening in the lounge, Jane looks sad and lonely while Melanie dances with Gopher, and then Doc after he cuts in.
Julie watches Brian and Sarah dancing and remarks to Gopher about how lovingly the two are always touching each other. Gopher makes a blech face and calls the relationship "cradle snatching" 'cause of how much older Brian is than Sarah...but when Captain Stubing wanders over and joins the conversation, he says he doesn't find it at all icky 'cause he could totally see himself with a woman that young, then remarks on how blissful the two look together.
Isaac delivers a drink to Marvin and asks him why he's not dancing with any of the lovely ladies in the lounge, so Marvin grumbles that the crew is busy doing that. Isaac explains that it's somehow Doc's and Gopher's job to lecherously flirt with the most attractive female passengers...and after he heads back to the bar, Marvin opens his notebook and starts jotting something down.
Doug cuts in on Doc so that he can dance with Melanie, while Gopher brings a drink to where Jane's sitting and tells her it's for Melanie. Once he's out of earshot, Jane bitterly mutters about what a thrilling time she's having, watching Melanie dance and have drinks personally delivered - just as Mike cuts in on Doug and tells a smiling Melanie, "Welcome home."
Marvin seats himself beside Mrs. Corwin and asks her what she did today, then jots down some more notes. Isaac notices all of Marvin's note-taking and tells the crew he strongly suspects him of being the inspector, and Captain Stubing concurs, but instructs them to treat him the same as they would any other passenger...before they all rush over to where he's sitting and fawningly offer to provide him with whatever his heart might desire.
Mike escorts Melanie to her cabin...and when she invites him in, he perks up and says that he and his penis definitely like the sound of that. Melanie then opens the door and is all, "Ack!" when she sees that Jane is there, and suggests to Mike that they head over to his cabin - just as Doug happens to amble over to see if there's any possibility of him getting lucky with Melanie. That notion is firmly put to rest when Melanie asks Doug if he wouldn't mind taking Jane out for a drink so that she and Mike can bump uglies in her cabin, and Doug mulls that over before deciding 'Sure, what the hell? I've got nothing better to do this evening'.
Jane happily accepts Doug's invitation of a drink...and the two head off - just as Melanie and Mike sneak back over to her cabin and put a do not disturb sign on the doorknob.
The entire crew is in Marvin's cabin, tucking him in for the night, when he tells them that this level of attention isn't necessary 'cause he plans to stay up late finishing his latest book. When the crew's all, "Say wuh?", he explains that he's a children's author who likes to jot down notes a lot...and that he's currently working on the newest of his Marvin series: Marvin the Camel Takes a Cruise. The crew's all, "Fuuuuuuuuuuck" and immediately beats a hasty retreat to continue their hapless search for the elusive inspector.
Jane is miffed when she sees the do not disturb sign on the doorknob of her cabin and complains to Doug that Melanie's always doing this kind of inconsiderate shit to her. Doug invites her to spend the night in his cabin and pinky swears that he's not going to try any hanky panky, and Jane takes him up on the offer.
Brian tells Sarah that he loooooves New York and could never get tired of it, and Sarah talks about her life in Beverly Hills, and how it never seems to change. He says he hopes to return to California in a month or so, but then starts coughing in a way that reveals for the first time that something is seriously amiss with his health.
Jane borrows Mike's PJs, then declines Doug's offer for room service or a nightcap. He says the only thing left to do is go to bed, and Jane nervously climbs into Mike's bed and pulls the sheet over her mouth while staring anxiously over at Doug.
Captain Stubing drops by Marvin's cabin to ensure that he's getting enough special attention ['cause I guess no one on the crew thought to tell him he's no longer suspected of being the inspector], and an exasperated Marvin shuts the door in his face.
Sarah tells Brian he's looking very handsome this evening, then sadly adds, "Don't leave me", and he caresses her face while wistfully replying, "Darling, if it were only up to me."
The next day by the pool, Melanie cackles to Mike about how Jane spent the night with Doug, and Mike chuckles and calls his friend "a son of a gun" and asks Jane if the experience was to her satisfaction. Jane jokingly says she enjoyed wearing his PJs, and they all chortle as Mike and Melanie head off to the dining room to get some lunch. A few seconds later, Doug appears and explains to Jane that he exited the cabin early 'cause he figured she'd appreciate some privacy, given that she slept in an upright position with the sheet pulled up to her mouth...and the two giggle 'bout that while they too head over to the dining room for lunch.
Julie tells the crew she now suspects Mrs. Corwin of being the inspector 'cause of all the phone calls she's been making to the mainland. A few seconds later, Mrs. Corwin appears and compliments Isaac on his coffee and sweet rolls and tells him she's going to make mention of this in her next report. In the next scene, the entire crew needlessly escorts her to the gift shop - just as Mr. Zidreczky pops over to anxiously ask her something in Russian, only to be ignored by the group.
After exiting the gift shop, Brian presents Sarah with a special gift: a necklace with an ace of diamonds card. Sarah beams happily and calls him her "king of hearts", then insists that she'd really really like to accompany him to New York after the cruise. He firmly says no and reminds her about their agreement...and she immediately falls silent and doesn't argue further.
Melanie tells Mike how nice it is of Doug to keep Jane distracted by continuously dancing with her, and Mike concurs and says, "He's going waaaay beyond the call of duty" and calls his friend "a heckuva good buddy".
Brian and Sarah are cloistered in a private booth of the lounge, enjoying cognacs and recalling the first time he ever took her out to dinner. Brian recalls exactly what she was wearing that night, and Sarah remembers that at the time she thought, "Gee, I hope I'm the only girl he ever brings here", then recalls how he later carried her to the bedroom. Brian suddenly notices that a man at a nearby table is eavesdropping and chuckles about how he "just drank his candle".
The crew is hovering over Mrs. Corwin as she downs three drinks, then declines any more 'cause she'll get too tipsy to call in her next report. Captain Stubing agrees that business should come before pleasure, but Mrs. Corwin scrunches her face confusedly and says, "What business?" and explains that her daughter, who paid for this cruise, is making her report on everything she's been doing. She then pauses and says, "Or maybe it's my niece. They both look alike." As the crew visibly deflates at this revelation, Mr. Zidreczky appears and anxiously asks Mrs. Corwin in Russian whatever he's been repeatedly asking, and she assumes he wants her barstool, which she happily offers to him before she heads to her cabin.
Doug escorts Jane to her cabin, and the two agree that they had a lot of fun hanging out together. He then invites her to breakfast the next morning and gives her a big smooch...and she happily grins at him before he wanders off to his cabin.
The crew watches in wonderment as Brian and Sarah slow dance together, and agree that of all the couples they've ever gawked at on the ship, this one seems to have the most special relationship. Brian requests of the piano player one last song, You and I, then sings the lyrics to Sarah, who soon becomes so emotional that she runs off...and he chases after her - but starts coughing so much that an alarmed Isaac rushes over to assist him.
Doug knocks on Jane's door and wryly tells her that he's not going to be able to sleep in his cabin on account of Mike invited Melanie to spend the night. Jane says she's A-OK with him sleeping in the spare bed, then saucily asks him if he wants room service or a nightcap...and when he declines, she declares that the only thing left to do is go to bed, and the two begin smooching passionately.
Later, Brian stops by Sarah's cabin, and she apologizes for running off earlier, then cries, "What am I going to do without you?" before hugging him sadly.
The next day while canoodling by the pool, Jane tells Doug she's going to get them some coffee. A few seconds later, Mike and Melanie amble over and applaud Doug for being such a good sport about keeping Jane outa their hair - just as Jane returns with the coffee and overhears that last part. Looking visibly humiliated, she hands Doug the coffee and gives him a hard face smack before fleeing for the elevator.
Marvin and Mrs. Corwin are enjoying each other's company while coming up with ideas for his new book - just as Mr. Zidreczky appears and anxiously babbles something in Russian, which is once again ignored 'cause by this point he's being regarded by everyone on board as a non-person.
Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are racking their brains trying to figure out who the inspector could be, then decide that every passenger is going to get some super special treatment before the ship docks, whether the hell they want it or not.
Doug drops by Jane's cabin and explains from the other side of the door that he didn't have a chance to answer Mike and Melanie, and that if he had answered he would have told them about what a quiet, sensitive, and real woman she is...then declares, "I love you." Jane flings the door open and gaily asks, "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" and gives him a smooch. As that's happening, Mike and Melanie wander over to ask Jane if she'd mind vacating the cabin so that they can enjoy another fuckfest [despite the fact that Mike's/Doug's cabin is clearly free at the moment], and Jane snaps, "Yes, we would!", then pulls Doug inside and puts the do not disturb sign on the doorknob. Bwahaha!
Sarah is knocking on Brian's door when a grim-faced Captain Stubing and Doc approach and tell her they need to inform her of something. When the three go inside her cabin, Captain Stubing informs her that earlier Brian was transported to a hospital in Los Angeles...and that he's still alive, but in a great deal of pain. He then hands her a letter that Brian left behind - but Sarah can't bring herself to open the envelop and asks him to read it aloud. Captain Stubing indulges her, and the letter is a sad goodbye, reminding her that he intends to "see this thing through alone" 'cause otherwise it'd be too torturous for the two of them. He urges her to not fret, and that his undying love for her will live on, and signs off as "your devoted father". Sarah tears up and asks which hospital her pa was taken to...and when Doc says he can't say 'cause he's suddenly choosing this episode to concern himself with doctor/patient confidentiality, Captain Stubing says that since he's not the ship's doctor, he's more than happy to blab that Brian is at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles, and promises to arrange transport for her once the ship docks.
Exhausted after all of the special attention she's given to every passenger in the hopes of impressing the inspector, Julie staggers into the lobby, slips her shoes off, and sinks herself into the seating bench...and Gopher and Isaac stagger over and do the same. The three are slumped together when Captain Stubing walks over and sternly asks them if this is how they lounge around when there's an inspector on board, and the three stare up at him in mute haplessness.
Marvin and Mrs. Corwin depart the ship together and coo at each other about how they've fallen completely in love, which...er, OK.
Mike tells Melanie that boning her throughout this cruise has been fun, then breezily blows her off with, "I'll see you sometime!" as he beats a hasty retreat. [Smooth, Mike.] Jane, meanwhile, is happily coupled with Doug, who offers to get them a cab. Once he's out of earshot, Jane announces to Melanie that it's official: she and Doug are an item. A chagrined Melanie says, in that case, she may need to ask Doug to set her up with another of his friends.
Captain Stubing tells Sarah he's arranged for a car to take her to Cedars-Sinai...and after she rushes off, the crew is mystified that Sarah and Brian turned out to be father and daughter...which is totes understandable, given how unnaturally close the two were always looking.
A young man rushes over to the crew and demands to speak to whoever's in charge...and when Captain Stubing identifies himself at The Love Boat's Numero Uno, the man introduces himself as the inspector, and explains that he missed the cruise 'cause he was busy searching around the port for his missing father. A few seconds later, he exclaims, "Dad!" as Mr. Zidreczky races over and gives him a relieved hug. Julie finally thinks to ask what the old man was repeatedly muttering in Russian, so the inspector translates: "Have you seen my son, the inspector?"
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"The Last of the Stubings / The Million Dollar Man / The Sisters"
Original airdate: 2/3/1978
Episode summary: Captain Stubing's gangly nephew joins the cruise to begin his training as a future seaman, but soon confesses that he's not remotely interested in this career path. A widow gets jealous when her sister falls in love with a handsome stranger. An embezzler unwittingly confesses his crime to a police officer.
Recap: Captain Stubing has summoned the Love Boat crew for a pre-cruise meeting to inform them that his nephew, of whom his family is extremely proud, will be aboard this cruise to begin what everyone's assuming will be an extremely successful career at sea. Julie asks exactly what this young man is going to be doing, so Captain Stubing replies, "Everything", then specifies that he'll be starting at the bottom, aka shadowing Gopher and learning whatever the heck it is that a ship's purser does all day...and Gopher does his best to not look too insulted by his boss describing his job as starting at the bottom.
Rose Higby boards the ship with sister, Noreen Badger, and the two wring their hands worriedly about leaving their cats in the care of their veterinarian. Noreen says that the vet's boarding service is expensive but well worth it, and Gopher amiably replies, "You get what you pay for." Noreen says she hopes so 'cause this cruise is costing them a fortune - just as a handsome man behind her mumbles something I couldn't quite make out. Noreen glares at him and snappishly tells him to mind his own business, then outright tells him to get lost when he tries to help carry her suitcase.
Stephanie Lewis searches her large handbag for her cruise ticket while Doc and the man in line behind her, Bill Thompson, patiently wait. She eventually finds her ticket and hands it to Doc, who gives her her cabin assignment...and once she's out of earshot, Bill mutters, "Incredible." Doc assumes he's referring to her purse and tells him that all women's purses are usually stuffed with the kind of volume of crap that Stephanie obviously carries around everywhere.
A freakishly tall bespectacled young man, who has to be the gangliest dork in the history of gangly dorks, boards the ship...and in the process trips over his feet and drops his suitcase, which of course pops open so that the contents spill all over the deck. Captain Stubing's like, "Ahoy, nephew!" ... but as he approaches, his nephew clumsily trips onto him, nearly toppling him. After that bit of physical comedy runs the course of the laugh track, Captain Stubing introduces the crew to his kooky nephew, Courtney Stubing IV, gushes about how excited he is to have him aboard, then hands him off to Gopher while saying, "Enjoy" before beating a hasty retreat. LOL. Gopher remarks to Courtney that since his name is so long he's wondering if he has a punchy nickname they might use, so Courtney says when he was in school the other kids called him zit-face, among dozens of other sophomoric insults. Gopher chews on that for a few seconds before replying, "OK, Courtney it is" and tells him he can start his apprenticeship by politely greeting the passengers and offering to help with their luggage. Courtney's like, "OK, kewl!" and proceeds to ask a woman if he can help carry her bag, and when she says happily takes him up on that, he picks up her tiniest piece of luggage, leaving her behind to schlep all the heavy bags...and a dismayed Gopher turns to Julie and wryly quips, "I suggest we abandon ship."
Bill Thompson checks into his cabin and opens his suitcase, which is filled with cash...and he happily smiles at the many stacks of bills.
Rose tells Noreen she hopes for her sake that they run into the handsome man from the lobby 'cause it's obvious how smitten he was with her - but Noreen shakes her head faux disinterestedly and reminds Rose that she and the rest of the family have been trying to marry her off since forever, which is unnecessary 'cause she's happy with her life the way it is: the two of them own a mortgage free house...and because she runs a successful dental laboratory, she doesn't have to take orders from "some nitwit of a man". Rose points out that her late husband wasn't a nitwit, and Noreen agrees, but insists that she's totes fine with her life consisting solely of gal pals and clients in need of her dental services. She then says she can't possibly like the man from the lobby 'cause he had perfect teeth, to which Rose cackles, "I knew you liked him!"
Doc is practicing his skeet shooting skills and asks Stephanie if she'd like to give it a try. She's like 'sure, why not?' and is able to hit every target launched...and Bill Thompson, who's watching from a few feet away, is so impressed with her natural ability that he begins clapping.
Isaac instructs Courtney to hold down the fort at the bar he's teaching him how to tend while he leaves for a few minutes to deliver some drinks. A few seconds later, a customer wanders over and orders a scotch, and Courtney grabs a bottle and clumsily spills scotch everywhere as he asks the man to tell him his problems. The man replies that he has no problems and really just wants a drink - but Courtney angrily insists that as his bartender he's entitled to be a sounding board for his troubles. As an argument ensues, Isaac hears the commotion and rushes back over to diffuse the situation by pouring the customer a scotch free of charge...and hopefully relegating Courtney to some sort of back room duty.
Rose and Noreen enter the bar with two cups filled with their slot machine jackpot winnings and order themselves drinks. A few seconds later, the handsome man from the lobby saunters in, introduces himself as Clark Tyler, and asks if he can join them. Noreen says she'd rather he didn't, but he proceeds to sit down and point out that cruises are for meeting new people, then compliments her pretty eyes and says he can tell just from that that she's a kind person. Rose interjects to egg Clark on by telling him that Noreen is the owner of Badgers Dental Lab, and Clark perks up at that and asks, "In the old Tyler building?", then identifies himself as old Tyler. Noreen grimaces and says she's been meaning to complain to her slumlord about the sagging floor, and he promises to fix it right after the cruise - but in the meantime would like for them to hit the dance floor together...and at Rose's urging, a reluctant looking Noreen accepts.
Courtney beats himself up about what a horrible bartender he is, and Julie half-heartedly tells him to not be so hard on himself...and urges him to try out his cruise directing abilities. She demonstrates the art of light banter by ambling around the pool area and offering a male passenger a pillow while he lounges, asking him if he's having a nice time, then easily deflecting his icky flirting attempts. Courtney lets that light-hearted exchange sink in before he gives it a try...and by gives it a try, he violently shoves a pillow under a passenger's head and demands to know if he's having good time, and the bewildered passenger reacts to the socially inept oaf by angrily throwing the pillow back at him. Strike two.
Bill seats himself beside Stephanie, who tells Isaac that she needs to be formally introduced to a new man before she's willing to start bonding over champagne cocktails. The two then get acquainted by making jokes about their jobs...and eventually Bill reveals that he was the Vice President of one of L.A.'s biggest brokerage houses before he abruptly became unemployed. Stephanie clucks sympathetically, but continues to remain mute on the subject of what she does for a living.
Rose ushers a hungover Noreen over to the pool loungers...but then a few seconds later, Clark comes over to invite her for a brisk walk around the ship and insists that it'll make her feel better. Rose amiably urges her to run along and assures her that she'll be fine on her own.
Courtney is in his cabin, railing at the crew about how much he hates ships and being at sea. A shocked Julie asks him if he's told his family how he feels, but he says he's the last of the male Stubing seamen and therefore can't bring himself to be honest with them. He then pulls a leotard out of his drawer and says that his true passion is ballet...and while Gopher fails to contain himself as he conjures up a mental image of what that must look like, Courtney says that every morning he puts on his leotard and practices ballet. Doc tells him that if he loves it so much then he should continue pretending he lives in a world in which a clumsy, flat-footed odd duck such as himself could actually become a ballet dancer - but Courtney says his father and uncle will kill him if they ever find out he's ruined their dream of him becoming a sea captain.
While seated in the dining room, Rose remarks on the perfume Noreen is wearing and, in a distinctly catty tone, assumes she's wearing it for Clark, then chides her for coquettishly glancing around the room looking for him. Noreen weakly insists that Clark means nothing to her, and Rose says she's suddenly decided she no longer likes the idea of the two of them hanging out, and advises Noreen to not limit herself to one man. A few seconds later, Clark invites himself to join them and suggests they go see the film that's being screened in the ship's movie room. As Noreen perks up at the prospect, Rose bitchily informs him that both she and Noreen have already seen the film - but Noreen hastily tells Clark she has no problem seeing it a second time...and also wouldn't mind dumping her wet blanket of a sister to spend the evening romantically canoodling with him in a dark theater.
Over in the casino, Bill places a couple of bets and wins. He tells Stephanie he'd like to celebrate his win with her, and she suggests they do so by finding a quiet place near the pool and dancing closely...before scuttling off to the privacy of his cabin. Mmm hmm..
Rose returns to her cabin hoping to find Noreen, and looks miffed when she's nowhere to be found. She calls the ship's operator to get Clark's room number...then rushes down the hall and stares at the do not disturb sign hanging on his doorknob with an expression of appalled bewilderment. She debates whether or not to ignore the sign and knock on the door, but then ends up backing away slowly and dejectedly shuffling back to the loneliness of her cabin.
Julie knocks on Captain Stubing's cabin door at 5:00am to tell him that there's a spectacle he desperately needs to witness...then leads him above deck, where a leotard clad Courtney is practicing ballet. As a shocked Captain Stubing's all, "The fuck?", Courtney clumsily pirouettes before accidentally plunging into the pool after he trips over his feet. His dismayed uncle orders him to dry off, get changed, and report to the bridge for duty - but Courtney refuses and snarlingly complains about how much he hates the sea and how "not too keen" he is about him at the moment, then storms off.
While basking in some post-coital canoodling, Bill invites Stephanie to travel with him to Rio, and explains that that's his intended destination after he departs the ship in Mazatlan. A bewildered Stephanie's like, "Seriously..?" and points out that:
Bill insists that they can live happily ever after with his million dollars, then pulls his suitcase out of the closet and unzips it to show her the cash. Stephanie stares at it in disbelief and asks him if he embezzled it, and he kind of nods and says, "That's one way of putting it." Stephanie lets out a long weary sigh before walking over to her purse and pulling out her police badge, identifying herself as an LAPD officer...and begins giving him his Miranda rights - until he stops her and reminds her that she's kinda out of her jurisdiction. Stephanie says it's well within reason for her to arrest him, given that he's a fleeing embezzler - but he tries to persuade her against that by pointing out that, if she turns him in, she'll be buried in paperwork and red tape for the remainder of the cruise. As she mulls over that nonsensicalness, he asks her if she's ever imagined what it would feel like to be "rolling in dough", then dumps all of the money from his suitcase over her head so that she's being showered in bills...and she reacts by joyously chortling, "You're crazy!"
Julie drops in on Courtney, who's laying in his bed with a pillow over his face, and apologizes for bringing his passion for ballet to the attention of Captain Stubing without checking with him first. Courtney shrugs and says he would have had to find out sometime...then concedes that, yep, he's probably the world's shittiest dancer. He calls himself a lousy, rotten rat-brain and now regrets the unkind things he said to his uncle - just as Captain Stubing bursts into the room to dismiss Julie so that he can have a one-on-one with his weird nephew. He asks Courtney if he really truly hates the sea, and Courtney replies, "More than anything" and says he's been keeping his feelings suppressed 'cause he didn't think he'd understand. Captain Stubing tells him he does, not least 'cause his parents wanted him to be a surgeon [despite all the talk this episode about Stubing men following a tradition of being sea captains and admirals], but he insisted on following his dream of becoming Numero Uno on The Love Boat...and urges Courtney to similarly pursue his true passion in life. Courtney acknowledges that while he has zero dancing ability, he wants to work on it...or at least find something he's good at, assuming such a thing exists in the world. He then promises to give the sea one more shot and tells Captain Stubing that he'll change out of his leotard and report to the bridge asap.
Noreen finds Rose morosely leaning on the deck railing and excitedly announces that Clark just asked her to marry him. A shocked Rose is all, "Have you lost your senses?!" and points out how stooooopid it is to marry a man she barely knows. She cattily tells Noreen that since she's been a spinster (!) all her life, she's an easy mark for any man who smiles at her, then bellows, "You are acting like a fool!" before storming off...and Noreen somehow refrains from yelling after her where she can shove her judgey 'tude.
Stephanie tells Bill she really should report his embezzlement to Captain Stubing, but then back pedals and asks him if she can trust him to not flee to Rio. He pinky-swears to remain on board until the ship docks in Los Angeles, where she can properly arrest him and turn him over to the authorities. After that, the two lament him turning out to be a crook, and she a cop who insists on making him face the consequences of his criminal actions.
Noreen tells Clark she's turning down his proposal, and that a marriage between them wouldn't work 'cause of how independent she is. Clark argues that her independence is what he loves most about her - but Noreen points out that since they're pretty much complete strangers, they prolly shouldn't rush into such a serious commitment. Clark correctly guesses that Rose's disapproval is behind her change of heart, and Noreen admits that it is...then says that she can't, in good conscience, abandon Rose 'cause she's a widow who doesn't have anyone else. Clark admiringly calls her a good woman, and says that if she ever changes her mind, he'll be sitting by the phone waiting...and then the two wistfully exchange I love yous.
As the ship is docked in Mazatlan, a worried looking Stephanie asks Julie if she's seen Bill, so Julie tells her that earlier Bill had inquired about a jewelry store and then asked her not to say anything to ruin the surprise. She adds that Bill will no doubt be back aboard soon, since the ship sets sail in about an hour. A while later, Stephanie is waiting anxiously in the lobby for any sign of Bill...and when she asks Gopher if he's seen him, he tells her he hasn't, and that if he doesn't re-board in the next couple of minutes, they may have to sail on without him.
Stephanie heads back to her cabin, where Bill left her an apology letter for fleeing with his suitcase full o' embezzled cash...along with an invitation to look him up if she's ever in Rio.
Rose tells Noreen she's been thinking about how happy she's looked lately, and that it's reminded her of the way she used to look when she first met her husband. She then admits to being a selfish prick by opposing her [ridiculously fast-moving] romance with Clark, and encourages her to accept his proposal and live the life of her dreams with the man she fell in love with just twenty-four hours ago.
Isaac delivers a champagne cocktail to Stephanie...and when she tells him she didn't order one, Bill appears out of nowhere, saunters over, and says, "Rio just wouldn't be the same without you." Stephanie makes it clear that she still plans to arrest him once they're back in her jurisdiction, and he says he's A-OK with that and asks her if she'd be willing to wait around for him to be released from prison...and she says yes and gives him a big smooch.
While departing the ship, Clark invites Rose to live in his guest house so that she can continue to be close to Noreen, but she politely declines and assures him and Noreen that they don't need to worry about her anymore 'cause 1) she's a grown woman who clearly needs a life of her own, 2) she's fairly certain she can take care of herself, and 3) she's going to take it upon herself to run the dental lab business, despite it being unclear whether or not Noreen is going to abandon her career now that she finally found a plus one.
Stephanie points out to Bill that since today's a holiday, he could potentially sneak into his old office and return the cash without anyone knowing he stole it - but he primly says that he would know, and also doesn't want to involve her in a cover-up. He insists upon returning the money while turning himself in...and will keep his fingers crossed that the authorities go easy on him.
Courtney apologizes to the captain and crew for not being a better sailor, but promises to work hard at being the best gosh darn ballet dancer he can be...or whatever unattainable life passion should pop into his head next. He then trips on his way off the ship, hitting his head on the Watch your step sign...and Captain Stubing shakes his head while chuckling in light-hearted exasperation at his nephew's clumsiness.
"The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac's History Lesson / Winner Take Love"
Original airdate: 1/27/1978
Episode summary: A reporter falls in love with the disgraced congressman she's secretly stalking for a salacious exposé. Isaac gets a stern lesson in appreciating his racial heritage the way Captain Stubing thinks he should. A pageant contestant gives up her Ambassadress title to make her sulky boyfriend happy.
Recap: Captain Stubing informs the arriving passengers that this episode of The Love Boat will feature a beauty pageant to select an Ambassadress at Large who will be tasked with traveling around the country to promote the cruise line for a one year period...and a few seconds later, the contestants arrive, along with their minder, Waldo Linden. Waldo introduces himself to Captain Stubing and thanks him for agreeing to be the pageant's Master of Ceremonies, then introduces each of the ladies: Rita, Suzy, Theresa, and Alma. He suddenly exclaims, "We've lost Jeanette!" - just as a leggy blonde rushes over and explains that she got lost in the engine room, where the men there voted her "most likely to -", but didn't say what. [Um, what?]
Robin Brandt checks in with Julie - just as a man who's going by Jim Smith gets his cabin assignment. Robin chuckles about what an "original" alias Jim Smith is, then reveals to Julie on the down-low that he's actually Congressman John Whitcomb, whose wife is divorcing him 'cause he cheated on her with a chorus girl...and that because of his philandering, the House of Representatives is considering impeaching him. A quasi-interested Julie's like, "Mmm...OK" then asks her about her dinner preference, and Robin says to please seat her at the congressman's table.
Virgil Gibson, an extraordinarily cheerful African-American man, boards the ship while performing a singing/stand-up routine that starts to wear thin pretty quick. The young African-American woman behind him, Stephanie Hayden, grumbles at him to shut it and just board the fucking ship - just as Isaac rushes over and mistakes her for one of the Ambassadress at Large pageant contestants. She huffily informs him that she's a doctorate student, not "a piece of cheesecake", then glares over at Virgil as he continues to cheese-tastically sing/dance his way onto the ship.
Rita is less than thrilled with the tiny cabin she's been assigned to share with both Suzy and Jeanette...and after she and Jeanette rush off to throw confetti as the ship sets sail, Suzy's boyfriend, Rick, drops by and is all, "Surprise! I'm on this cruise too!" Suzy nervously reminds him that, as per the pageant rules, she's required to be an unfettered virgin who shan't be caught in any kind of canoodlishly compromising situation. Rick moans about how he couldn't staaaaaaaand to be away from her for three days, and she's all, "Three days?!" and informs him that if she wins the Ambassadresship, she'll be on a whirlwind of PR-related travel for an entire year. She adds that the experience will be a pathway for her to break into doing commercials...and that she could earn up to $5,000, a vast sum which would make a super nice wedding present for the two of them. Rick eventually perks up at the mention of wedding, and leans in for a smooch.
Robin gets a call from her editor (Frank), and she tells him she's working on a juicy story for the paper about a certain Congressman John Whitcomb, who boarded the ship alone. She saucily adds, "But he won't be for long."
Virgil Gibson is holding court with the crew and teaching them the art of hamboning...which Isaac gets all into and expertly performs with an increasingly rapid tempo.
Robin approaches "Jim Smith" and addresses him as Congressman Whitcomb, and he mumblingly replies that she must be confusing him with someone else. Robin clucks sympathetically about how a man's private life should remain private, and John wearily says he wishes the press believed that. Robin tells him she's one of his constituents who voted for him in the last election and would happily do so again...and John sadly replies that she likely won't get the opportunity 'cause he doubts he'll be in Congress for much longer. He then changes the subject and invites her to join him for a drink in the Starlight Bar.
Captain Stubing tells Waldo he's concerned about having to deliver all the jokes that are written into the script he gave him, but Waldo tells him he has lots of experience writing for comedians and breezily assures him he'll be great.
As the Ambassadress pageant gets underway, Captain Stubing introduces the contestants with the requisite misogynist jokes one would expect to see on the '70s primetime sitcom generally accepted as a main forebearer of jiggle television. As everyone applauds, Waldo tells Captain Stubing he was terrific and reminds him that tonight is the evening wear/interview portion of the competition...and the newly confident Captain Stubing says he'd like an advance look at the script so he can "punch it up".
Stephanie ambles past the crew as Virgil is giving them hamboning lessons and sits at a nearby table with her stack of books. When Isaac wanders over to engage in what he hopes will be some giggly back-and-forth flirtitude, she irritably tells him how annoying it is to watch Virgil constantly making a horse's ass of himself. Isaac shrugs and says that Virgil just seems like a nice old man, to which Stephanie sneers, "Really? Then how long before he starts strumming on the banjo?" before collecting her books and storming off in a huff [the first of many times she's going to storm off in a huff 'cause of how much Virgil grates on her].
Suzy drops by Rick's cabin, where the two coo 'I love you' at each other. Rick urges her to sneak back to his cabin after her roommates have fallen asleep, but she reminds him about how disapprovingly the pageant judges frown on contestants engaging in any kind of immoral hanky panky. Rick's like, "My penis can't take much more forcible abstinence!" and gives her a long smooch in the doorway of the cabin as she exits, a PDA that just happens to be witnessed by her pageant rival, Rita.
Isaac ambles down the hall and is checking out Rita's derriere when he bumps into Stephanie and her armload of books on black history. She snootily informs him that she's currently working on her dissertation, and that she has a book about the slave families of Virgina she thinks he'd find fascinating. A few seconds later, Gopher rushes over and asks Isaac if he could give him some hamboning tips, prompting Stephanie to snarl about Isaac giving his co-worker "an advanced hamboning class" before she huffily storms off.
Robin calls Frank to tell him she doesn't yet have anything new to report on the philandering congressman she's currently spying on and needs a bit more time to flesh out something remotely substantive - but Frank tells her she has one hour to file a salacious story...and if she fails to come through, he's simply going to make up a bunch of shit and take that to press.
At the Starlight Bar, John tells Robin that he came on this cruise to briefly escape all the press scrutiny regarding his extramarital shenanigans. He laments the flak he's gotten for his relationship with Nicki, aka the chorus girl with whom he allegedly cheated on his wife, and really hates having every orifice of his life probed in a way that makes him feel as though he's perpetually undergoing a rectal exam. Robin airily tells him that everyone makes mistakes, and John furrows his brows as he replies, "I never admitted to making a mistake", then asks her how she'd feel if a reporter were watching them right now...before leaning in to give her a chaste cheek kiss. He chuckles about how that cheek kiss would surely result in an explosive headline along the lines of Congressman and His Conquest Live It Up On the Love Boat, and a jarred looking Robin stares back at him in mute sheepishness.
Captain Stubing introduces the evening wear/interview portion of the Ambassadress pageant, then delivers a series of jokes he wrote, which prompts Waldo to shake his head and remark, "I created a monster." Captain Stubing informs the audience that he's going to ask each contestant a question that begs some kind of silly, sweeping declaration of how they plan to simplistically bring about world peace, then asks Jeanette about her main life goal. She replies that she wants to bring all of the people in the world in a room together so they can live in harmony...and everyone applauds that unimplementable decree.
John apologizes to Robin for prattling on and on about his problems, then says she's the first person he's met who pretends to be interested in hearing his side of the story...which is that he and his wife were living separate lives and had been planning to divorce long before Nicki came into the picture. He bitterly adds that the press made it look as though he were cruelly dumping his wife for a chorus girl, then declares that he truly loved Nicki...but, for whatever reason, their relationship didn't work out. He goes on to tell Robin that as Chorus Girl-gate was unfolding, he had been working on some landmark tax reform legislation that could benefit millions of Americans - but it's now under a cloud because of his personal scandal. Robin furrows her brows and says she never heard a thing about this legislation in the media, then remarks on how important it is for him to get his version of the story out to the public - but John just shrugs and says he's mostly just resigned to resigning. Robin suggests that he might find it easier to do battle if he weren't in this fight all alone...and John stares pensively into space at the prospect of obtaining an unexpected ally.
Rick sneaks Suzy back to his cabin for some unauthorized lovin', while Rita and Waldo (to whom Rita has tattled) lie in wait in the nearby corridor. A flustered Suzy puts the brakes on their foreplay and tells Rick it'd be dishonest of her to hit the sheets with him and then pretend to continue to be the unfettered virgin she has to pass herself off as in order to be a lawful pageant contestant...and as she's exiting the cabin, she's confronted by Waldo, who haughtily informs her that she's just been caught red-handed of conduct unbecoming of the Pacific Princess cruise line and is therefore being disqualified from the pageant. Suzy reacts by bursting into tears and racing off down the hall.
John escorts Robin to her cabin, gives her a goodnight smooch, and asks her if he'll see her in the morning. She replies, "You bet" before going inside and taking a phone call from Frank, who harasses her about why she hasn't yet submitted her article on the disgraced congressman she's currently stalking. Robin lets it slip that John told her he's considering resigning, but asks him not to print that juicy tidbit and promises to call him in the morning with the full story.
Elsewhere, Stephanie is mopishly sitting by the pool area when Isaac ambles over and seats himself next to her. She expresses her deep sadness about the horrific manner in which their shackled ancestors were brought to America aboard a ship that was very much unlike this luxury liner. Isaac's all, "Yeah, that was awful" and changes the subject to how much he'd love to be boning her on this beautiful, moonlit night. Stephanie rolls her eyes and haughtily retorts, "I'm trying to get you serious about our people, not me", and Isaac attempts to lighten the mood by handing her an apple. Stephanie chuckles at the non-subtle teacher-student dynamic their friendship has taken on thus far...and Isaac leans in for a smooch - just as a singing Virgil appears as he joyously leads a line dance of the crew and passengers that snakes its way around the pool. Stephanie rolls her eyes, thanks Isaac for the apple, then huffily storms off while Isaac stares after her with an expression of irritable wistfulness etched across his face.
Jeanette summons Waldo to her cabin citing an emergency, then emerges from the bathroom half-naked as she coquettishly tells the minder that she can't seem to zip up the back of her dress. A weirded out looking Waldo says she maybe should have asked one of the other girls to zip her up, but she ignores that and says, "I suddenly have an itch on my back. Can you scratch it?" Waldo takes the bait, then is so overcome by being in the orbit of the sexy woman's half-naked bod that he gives her a from-behind hug while moaning, "You're making me craaaaaazy!" ... and Jeanette reacts by punching him in the face and snarling, "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"
Isaac tells Stephanie that the Virginia slave family book is totes awesome, and she smiles approvingly and says that their people have a rich, valuable culture...and that they need to spread the word about black poets and philosophers instead of perpetuating stereotypes, a not-so-subtle jab at the cheese-ball hamboning entertainer Virgil Gibson. She derisively adds, "People think all blacks are like that", then saunters off - just as the crew scampers over to the bar and gushes to Isaac about what a great time they had line dancing with Virgil last night. Isaac haughtily retorts, "I have more important things to do with my life than dance" ... and says this as though his entire existence doesn't revolve around serving drinks to Love Boat passengers, and never without a side of corny bartender banter.
As Suzy weeps about being disqualified from the pageant, Rick tries to convince her it's actually a good thing 'cause now they can have sex and she no longer has to feign virginity. He suggests they get off the ship at the next port, get hitched, then honeymoon for the remainder of the cruise. Suzy perks up at that sudden change of plans and gives Rick a happy smooch - just as Jeanette bursts in to inform Suzy that after tricking Waldo into admitting that he's a male floozy with no morals, he had no choice but to re-admit her into the pageant. A thrilled Suzy's all, "Yippee!" while Rick sulkily stares into space.
Robin tells John she's falling in love with him, and he reciprocates those feelings [despite a complete lack of chemistry between the two] - but warns that if she hooks up with him, she's putting herself in the line of fire. A few seconds later, Gopher enters the lounge to announce that a stack of today's newspapers are available to anyone who's interested...and Robin decides it's as good a time as any to confess to John that - surprise! - she's a reporter who works for a rag named Scuttlebutt, then asks Gopher to hand her today's copy. She glances at the front page and mutters, "Oh my God.." as she and John read the headline Whitcomb Quits, Dancer Splits and note that the accompanying article cites a secret source aboard the ship. John correctly assumes that Robin is that source and storms off - just as Julie enters the room to inform Robin that she has an incoming call from someone named Frank. As Robin beats a hasty retreat, she angrily informs Julie that she's going to tell Frank where he can shove his reporter job.
Virgil prances over to the bar where Isaac and Stephanie are sitting and invites them to his cabin for an impromptu party he's throwing later. Stephanie haughtily declines, as does Isaac...and when Virgil amiably shrugs and says, "OK, boss", Isaac snappishly rejoins, "I'm not your boss." Captain Stubing, who just happened to be within eavesdropping distance during the exchange, asks Isaac if he can have a word with him - but then has to put a pin in that when Waldo appears and hands him the script for the final competition of the Ambassadress pageant. Julie pulls Isaac aside to ask him whaddup with his bitchitude towards Virgil just now, and he wearily replies, "I've seen about all the shuffling I can handle."
Captain Stubing hosts the talent portion of the contest, the stated purpose of which is to test the contestants' ability to perform in the spotlight. The contestants deliver a series of silly looking, culturally appropriated performances that wouldn't make it to air in this day and age - except for Suzy, who expertly plays the piano. As the impressed judges exchange approving nods, Rick looks alarmed by the likelihood of his fiancée winning ...then more alarmed when Captain Stubing announces Suzy as the cruise line's new Ambassadress. An elated Suzy runs over to the mic to receive the tiara and deliver her acceptance speech - but when she notices that Rick is sulkily shuffling towards the nearest exit like the sourpussed little baby-man he is, she abruptly changes course and announces that clinging onto her insecure fiancé is somehow sooooo much more important to her than winning this contest. She takes off the tiara and runs over to Rick as everyone applauds her self-sacrifice...and a confounded Captain Stubing's all, "Er, OK..?" before announcing that the first runner-up will be crowned Ambassadress, and declares Jeanette the winner.
John apologizes to Robin for angrily walking out on her earlier, and Robin informs him that she quit her job at Scuttlebutt to protest Frank's chutzpah in publishing her story prematurely. John tells her he'd rather she kept her job, 'cause he's going to need a friendly journalist in his corner when he wages war to keep his congressional seat...and Robin tears up and leans in for a grateful hug.
Captain Stubing asks Isaac whassup with all the black history literature he's been burying his nose in this episode, then includes Stephanie in his reprimand about how "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing" as he chides the two for missing out on a living version of black history. As they stare back at him in mute befuddlement, he describes the great accomplishments of a peanut vendor named Virgil Gibson, aka the greatest pitcher the Negro League ever saw. He goes on to explain that Virgil jokes around and performs all the damn time 'cause it's his way of getting along with everyone and keeping the mood light. He says it's trailblazers like Virgil who made it possible for other African-Americans to go on to play baseball in the major league...to which Isaac reacts by solemnly adding, "And to tend bar on ships", while Stephanie sheepishly remarks, "And teaching in colleges." Isaac hang-doggishly asks Captain Stubing where Virgil's cabin party is being held, and Captain Stubing tells Isaac and Stephanie to just follow him.
As Captain Stubing, Isaac, and Stephanie arrive at the impromptu party, Virgil is prattling endlessly about his career as a baseball pitcher, and how he struck out Babe Ruth during an exhibition game at Yankee Stadium, yadda yadda. Isaac interrupts to apologize for his rude 'tude towards him earlier, and Stephanie adds that she's been studying black history for years, but - thanks to the stern schooling she just got from Captain Stubing - realized there's a big gap in her education and therefore would suddenly looooove to embrace hamboning and asks if he could teach her this style of dance...and naturally Virgil is more than happy to oblige.
Jeanette bids Suzy and Rick adieu and says she's very excited about her Ambassadress gig with all the travel and commercial-making opportunities it has to offer...then adds that she plans on marrying Waldo once her reign is over. As a confused Rick and Suzy are all, "Say wuh?", she explains that Waldo, who has no idea that he's her future husband [and might not be so interested considering she punched him in the face], is one heckuva back scratcher.
As the pageant contestants file off the ship, Waldo thanks Captain Stubing for being such a great Master of Ceremonies. Stephanie, meanwhile, offers Virgil a ride home - just as Isaac plants a big farewell kiss on her lips and tells her how much he digs her. As Stephanie blushes at being so publicly smooched, Captain assures her that PDA is perfectly OK, 'cause on The Love Boat they're all one big happy family...and when Isaac grins as he cheekily asks, "Dad, can I use the ship tonight?", everyone joyously chortles.
"Hollywood Royalty / The Caper / The Eyes of Love / Masquerade"
Original airdate: 1/20/1978
Episode summary: A gang of thieves board the ship with the intention of stealing a ginormous diamond necklace owned by a fellow passenger/famous movie star. A blind woman re-connects with a formerly blind friend, and the two rapidly fall in love. A lawyer's wife learns that her new cruise friend is actually her husband's mistress.
Recap: Famous movie star, Roz Rogers, and her moderately famous actor/director husband Bill arrive at the Love Boat port surrounded by paparazzi, who snap their photo and pepper Roz with questions. She confirms that the giant rock that's strung around her necklace is a real diamond that's worth $1.5 million...and it remains unclear why she'd be advertising that so publicly, given that it looks as though she's vacationing on this ship without any kind of security detail.
Shortly afterwards, a gang of four thieves arrive at the port and conspire about their nefarious plot to steal Roz Rogers' diamond...which could be seen as even a quasi-serious threat if the four weren't each giving off a strong 'I'm clownishly inept' vibe.
Gopher is assisting Jenny Lang, a pretty young blind passenger, aboard the ship...and he's amazed at her heightened (non-sight) senses. He ushers her over to Julie as she checks in a cutie named Steve Hollis, whose voice Jenny instantly recognizes from The School for the Blind they both attended as teenagers. Julie, who's visibly wondering whassup with this situation - 'cause Steve is clearly not blind - offers to seat them at the same table for dinner. As Jenny is being escorted to her cabin, Steve explains to Julie on the down low that he was born blind, but recently had a series of operations that magically restored his sight - which, sadly, is the opposite experience of Jenny, who irreversibly lost her sight at age fourteen. He's not sure how to break the news of his good fortune to Jenny, with whom he's instantly smitten, but figures he should probably do it asap.
Captain Stubing welcomes aboard the Thief Gang, who each introduce themselves to him: Vernon, Taffy, Elwood, and Ox. Doc and Gopher are immediately smitten with the busty blonde Taffy...but Vernon orders her to stop fraternizing with the crew and come along, and she obeys while poutishly chiding him for being so singleminded about their heist mission.
Fabric designer Barbara Danver and her lawyer husband Alan arrive at the port...and when she asks him to confirm that it's still just the two of them after all their years of marriage, he grunts a half-hearted 'yeah whatever', then urges her to board the ship ahead of him to freshen up so that he can call the office to order everyone not to disturb him. Barbara senses nothing amiss with that and saunters off - just as Alan's mistress Cathy exits a cab that just pulled up to the port. A panicked Alan's all, "What are you doing here?" and tells her that Barbara found the cruise tickets and assumed that one was for her. Cathy stubbornly replies that, in that case, she's going to buy her own ticket, enjoy the cruise, and force him to decide once and for all which woman he wants to be with.
A starstruck Julie, Doc, and Gopher gushingly welcome Roz and Bill aboard, then solicit autographs - just as Captain Stubing strides over to apologize for the unprofessionalism of his crew...before he snaps a photo of them and offers to personally escort them to their cabin.
Later, over drinks, Bill tells Roz he really thinks that their marriage could work - as long as they don't get tangled up in each others' egos. Roz responds by rubbing in the fact that she's currently a way bigger star than he is...and when Bill stares back at her in miffed muteness, she suggests they go back to their suite for a romp, and he's like 'sure, why the hell not?' and happily toddles after her.
Ox is inside the bathroom of Roz's/Bill's cabin to plant a bug - but, during the process, accidentally drops it into the toilet.
Barbara and Alan are laying on loungers, sunning themselves above deck, when Cathy wanders over to say hey to Alan, then quickly explains to Barbara that he was her divorce attorney, while conveniently leaving out the 'we're having an affair right under your nose' part of the relationship. Alan pretends to not remember her and mumbles that he has a lot of clients, and then Cathy and Barbara introduce themselves to each other and quickly realize that since they both work in the fashion design industry they have a lot in common.
As the Thief Gang listens in on Roz and Bill via the planted bug - which I can only assume Ox was able to fish out of the toilet - Vernon holds up a fake version of the diamond necklace and says that their heist's success will hinge on finding the right opportunity to make the switch.
While enjoying the moonlit night above deck, Jenny describes to Steve what she remembers about how a sunset looks...and he decides it's finally time to break the news that he had an operation soon after leaving The School for the Blind, which resulted in him acquiring his sight. Jenny chirps about how fantastic that is and forbids him to feel sorry for her, 'cause she's extraordinarily grateful to live in a world that has miracles like beautiful sunsets.
Gopher gushes to Julie about how sexy Taffy is, and Julie urges him to throw any semblance of professionalism out the window and go over to her table and let her know how smitten with her he is. Gopher grumbles about his inability to compete with Doc, who's also smitten with Taffy, and Julie wankingly assures him that he's equally if not more appealing as Doc [who's barely average looking yet somehow manages to get some pretty impressive, out-of-his-league tail on any given episode]. Buoyed with confidence, Gopher heads over to where Taffy is dining with Elwood and Ox and invites himself to join them...but while he's bringing over a chair from a nearby table, Doc slips in and seats himself beside Taffy.
Roz and Bill make their grand entrance into the dining room, and Vernon stares over at them, taking note of the fact that Roz is wearing her ginormous diamond necklace.
Steve describes for Jenny where everything is on their dining table, and she smilingly remarks on the way he's helping her navigate the way he used to do at The School for the Blind. She then says she can smell the rose that's in the table's centerpiece, and Steve pulls it out of the vase and hands it to her.
Cathy joins the Danvers for dinner - 'cause, yeah, it's not weird, awkward, or downright sociopathic for a mistress to be dining with her lover and his oblivious wife. Barbara asks her why a lovely woman such as herself is on this cruise alone, so Cathy explains that she had planned to vacation with her boyfriend - but then his wife found the tickets...and Barbara clearly doesn't suspect Alan enough to put two and two together and chuckles about this philandering douchebag being stuck home with his wife while she gets to enjoy a lovely cruise.
Bill tells Roz that he thinks their marriage is going swimmingly and that he'd like them to head back to the cabin to read a new script for a film he's interested in them producing/acting in. Roz says she's not into doing that tonight and would prefer to just enjoy the cruise, and Bill agrees that it's nice to be away from Hollywood for awhile and slum it with regular, everyday folk.
Vernon pulls Taffy aside and orders her to ditch Doc asap 'cause he just learned that Gopher's the one who's in charge of the vault. Taffy promptly bids Doc adieu and rushes over to join Gopher, who's about to dine with Julie, who hastily makes herself scarce.
Gopher is stationed in the Purser's Lobby and is on the phone with a co-worker to try to get him to take his shift tonight - but it looks like a no go. A few seconds later, Roz and Bill wander over to place the ginormous diamond necklace into the vault for safekeeping...and Taffy is watching them from the upper landing and radioing this intel to the rest of the Thief Gang via a tiny microphone installed on the clasp of her purse.
Gopher opens the vault, then guards the room as Roz and Bill place the diamond into their safety deposit box...which, for some unfathomable reason, has no lock on it. Taffy radios the Thief Gang to officially launch Operation Steal Roz's Ginormous Diamond Necklace, then says she'll need about ten minutes to sexily distract Gopher.
Vernon orders Ox to stand guard outside the ship's sauna while he and Elwood go inside and drill a hole in the floor ('cause apparently the sauna is located directly above the vault). As Vernon and Elwood get to work with a tape measure to determine exactly where they need to drill, the intense heat of the sauna causes them to sweat buckets. Vernon asks Ox to step inside to turn off the hard-to-move off dial...but the oversized dolt ends up breaking it when his mammoth hand turns it too hard. Oops.
Taffy sashays over to Gopher and tells him he seems very tense and offers to give him a massage. Gopher thinks it over, decides 'sure, why the hell not get a massage in the middle of the lobby from a passenger while I'm supposed to be on duty?', and leaps over the counter and lays face-down on a nearby chaise to await the sexy rub-down. While that's happening, Vernon and Elwood begin drilling a hole in the sauna's floor.
When Taffy's hands get sore from massaging Gopher, she suggests they dance cheek to cheek...while Vernon and Elwood continue drilling a hole in the sauna's floor - until the drill burns out just after they penetrate the vault's ceiling. Elwood lowers some kind of scoping tool into the vault, then places it in front of Roz's safety deposit box, where it opens it and grabs onto the diamond necklace. Elwood solemnly tells Vernon, "We got it", prompting Vernon to cackle about how they're soon going to be very rich and get to lazily lay on a beach all day, basking in the sun...to which Elwood wryly replies that after sweating it up in this sauna he'd much rather enjoy the refreshing cold of Iceland. Elwood lifts the scope attached to the necklace, but soon realizes that the effort has been for naught when he realizes that the hole he just drilled isn't big enough for the ginormous diamond to fit through. He grimly tells Vernon that Ox has bigger drills in his duffel bag...but, unfortunately, the dumbfuck accidentally left it behind in Los Angeles.
Above deck, Cathy tells Barbara she'd looooove to show her some sketches of her upcoming fall line, and Alan's all 'this continues to be really fucking weird for me' and rushes off to play ping pong.
Jenny asks Steve to take a photo of her so she can assure her worried brother she survived the cruise without risk of falling overboard. Steve snaps a photo of her, then hands it to her and cuddlingly stands behind her while showing her where all the camera's buttons are so that she can take a photo of him. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing and Doc wander over to say hey...and Jenny feels the captain's face, then remarks on his grey hair and paunchy midriff. When Captain Stubing expresses how impressed he is by the accuracy of her heightened senses, Jenny chucklingly reveals that Doc provided a full description of his appearance to her yesterday.
Vernon is ready to execute Plan B when he emerges from the bathroom wearing an implausibly flawless face mask that makes him look like an exact replica of Captain Stubing, body shape and all. He smugly tells the gang that while impersonating the captain he won't have any problem getting access to the vault, and orders Taffy to keep the real Captain Stubing busy so that he's freed up to steal the diamond necklace. Ox, meanwhile, stares at "the captain" confusedly and asks him if he, by chance, saw Vernon in the bathroom.
Barbara tells Alan she's meeting up with Cathy to get their hair done at the salon and chat some more about the fashion industry...and Alan continues to look mutely disturbed by the friendship his wife and mistress have struck up.
After enjoying a fun swim, Jenny asks Steve if he wouldn't mind putting some suntan lotion on her back, then brazenly says she's mostly asking 'cause she likes the feeling of his hands caressing her skin. Mmm hmm..
Gopher tells Isaac and Doc that he's been enjoying hanging out with his hot new squeeze Taffy - just as the three notice that Taffy is on Captain Stubing's arm as they make their way through the Purser's Lobby.
Vernon/fake Captain Stubing approaches Gopher and orders him to open the vault...and a puzzled Gopher's all, "Wait a minute - weren't you just giving a tour to Taffy?", then remarks on how weirdly gruff his voice sounds, kind of like he's getting laryngitis. He (jokingly?) asks him to prove he's really the captain, so Vernon/fake Captain Stubing growls, "Open the vault or you're fired", and Gopher decides 'yep, that definitely counts as proof' and promptly unlocks the vault door so the two can step inside. A few seconds later, the real Captain Stubing wanders over, grumbling about how much he dislikes giving personalized tours of the ship...and as Vernon/fake Captain Stubing hides behind the vault door, a puzzled Gopher's all, "Wait a minute - weren't you just inside the vault with me?" and remarks on how his voice suddenly sounds normal again. As the two enter the vault, Vernon/fake Captain Stubing is somehow able to slip out undetected and rush over to the elevator. Captain Stubing tells Gopher it's possible he's imagining things 'cause he's working too hard, then wonders if perhaps there could be a reasonable explanation for a doppelgänger sighting. He happens to glance toward the elevator as it's closing and catches a glimpse of Version/fake Captain Stubing. He's all, "Ack!" before racing up the staircase in an attempt to intercept the imposter...and continues to chase him across one of the decks and then down a flight of stairs.
Vernon/fake Captain Stubing runs into Julie and then Isaac...and both agree that their boss is acting very strangely. A few seconds later, they see both captains a short distance apart on the deck, but do squat about it except scrunch their faces confusedly.
Vernon/fake Captain Stubing races to the sauna, where he quickly strips off his mask, uniform, and padding. He then exits with a towel around him as though he's been enjoying a steam this whole time - just as Captain Stubing approaches, looking visibly frustrated about losing sight of the fake him.
Jenny asks Julie if Steve is as good looking as she imagines him to be, and Julie assures her that he definitely ain't no uggo.
Roz tells Bill that, in her opinion, the movie script he likes so much sucks, not least 'cause her role is that of an old woman while he gets to direct and play the role of a young cavalry officer. She asks him why he's so intent on making this picture, so he babbles some nonsense about owing it to their art, their fans, and the entire film industry. Roz accuses him of wanting to do the film strictly for his ego's sake...and then the two tediously bicker back and forth until Roz rips part of his shirt and stomps off.
Captain Stubing tells the crew he was pretty wigged out when he saw his doppelgänger, then wonders why someone would go through the trouble of disguising himself as the twin of a bald, paunchy cruise captain. Julie suggests that maybe it was a passenger testing out a costume for the upcoming masquerade ball - but Gopher points out the added fishiness of the fake Captain Stubing attempting to access the vault. Captain Stubing mulls that over until it finally dawns on him that, in all likelihood, the imposter was a jewel thief who's after Roz Rogers' ginormous diamond necklace. He orders a 24/7 guard to be placed at Roz's door and instructs the crew to figure out who the thief is without letting any of the passengers know what's going on...and Gopher translates that to mean 'I should tell the first passenger I see what's going on' and, a few minutes later, confides the robbery attempt to Vernon. After Gopher ambles off, Vernon chews on that nugget for a few seconds before telling the Thief Gang that he's ready to move on to Plan C.
While jigging on the dance floor in the lounge, Jenny tells Steve she's sad that he's going to be leaving the ship at Puerto Vallarta and asks if he'll call her when he gets back to Los Angeles. Steve says he'll take that under consideration, then grabs a rose off of a nearby table and shoves the fragrant petals under her nose.
Barbara tells Cathy and Alan that An Affair to Remember is being screened in the theater, but neither Cathy nor Alan are interested in having to sit through a film that's hitting a little too close to home for them. Once Barbara is out of hearing range, Alan chides Cathy for becoming gal pals with his wife, then says he only started cheating on her 'cause he felt like something was missing in their marriage. He tells Cathy that she, however, is a sweet gal who's been caring for him and listening to his incessant whining, and Cathy chooses that moment to drop the bombshell that what she is is his ex-mistress, then beats a hasty retreat.
Elsewhere on the ship, Steve gives Jenny a smooch and says he couldn't resist...and Jenny softly replies, "Who wants you to?" and suggests they go back to her cabin for a little under the covers type lovin'. When Steve gets visibly uncomfortable by the prospect and stammers an excuse to not go down that road, Jenny assumes he's not into getting it on with her 'cause he doesn't want to be permanently saddled with a blind chick. Steve's like, "On the contrary, I love you" - but then drops the bombshell that he's engaged, and that his reason for traveling to Puerto Vallarta is to meet up with his fiancée. A stunned Jenny gasps in horror, pronounces, "This never happened", and stumbles off.
While the ship is docked in Puerto Vallarta, Alan and Bill sit at one of the ship's bars and get acquainted by commiserating about their respective lady problems. Bill chuckles when he learns of Alan's predicament of having both his wife and mistress aboard the ship, then offers him some sage life advice: if you're lucky enough to find a woman who's actually willing to stick it out with a philandering uggo such as yourself, for the love of all that is holy, do your best to work it out. Alan quietly mulls that over and concedes that, yep, it's pretty good advice...and Bill announces that he's off to make up with Roz.
Julie comes across Jenny, who's sitting above deck moping by herself, and informs her that Steve is looking for her. She adds that he gave her a rose to pass along, and Jenny stonily admits that she's deliberately avoiding him. A few seconds later, Jenny gets up from the table, leaving the rose behind...then passes Bill, who picks up the abandoned rose and brings it to his cabin, where Roz is enjoying a leisurely bath. He declares the rose a peace offering and asks if he can join her in the tub, and she perks up and looks into the prospect of a sexy soak for two.
Elwood informs the other thieves that Roz and Bill are in in their bathtub, which means it's the perfect time to execute Plan C.
Jenny is reading a Braille book when Steve enters her cabin to inform her that he broke off his engagement 'cause of how much he loves her...and Jenny's all, "The fuck?" and says he just threw away the chance to have a normal, happy marriage to needlessly burden himself with a blind woman. Steve points out that being sighted doesn't guarantee a normal, happy marriage - but she responds to that by fibbing, "I don't love you." Steve says he doesn't buy that and is fairly certain that she loves him, but she sadly retorts that things could never work out for them and firmly bids him farewell. Steve opens the cabin door and pretends to leave...and when Jenny immediately bursts into tears, a triumphant Steve is all, "Ah ha! I knew you loved me!" LOL. Jenny angrily calls his fake departure "a cheap trick" and assumes that he only wants to marry her 'cause he thinks she needs someone to take care of her. Steve denies that, then exasperatedly cries, "What do I have to do to prove that I love you? Go blind again?" and storms out. For real this time.
Taffy sashays over to Doc, who's standing guard in front of Roz's/Bill's door, and purrs about how he's the most attractive man aboard the ship and invites him to her cabin for a little afternoon delight - just as Gopher arrives on the scene. Doc asks him to take over guarding Roz's/Bill's cabin, then sashays off with Taffy, who quickly dumps him and sneaks back to Gopher to purr about how he's the most attractive man on the ship.
Vernon and Ox are climbing through the ductwork until they reach the vent above Roz's/Bill's cabin. Ox removes the vent cover, and then Vernon lowers him into the cabin - suspended via a harness Mission Impossible style - until he lands on the floor with a thud. A startled looking Gopher, who's still stationed outside the door, wonders aloud what that thud was, and Taffy breezily distracts him by replying, "My heart" - LOL - as Ox quickly locates Roz's diamond necklace atop the dresser while holding the fake version...but when he has them both in his hands gets predictably confused about which necklace is the authentic one. He makes what he hopes is the right switch before Vernon lifts him back into the ductwork, and the two prematurely celebrate the success of their heist as they crawl back from whence they came.
The Thief Gang reconvenes in their cabin as Ox holds up the diamond necklace he "switched" during the heist. As the thieves cackle with delight, Vernon natters on about how a diamond is a gem that outshines all others, not least 'cause it's hard enough to cut glass. He then takes the necklace from Ox and attempts to cut the mirror with the ginormous diamond - but soon realizes it's a fake and cries, "Ox! You fool!"
Barbara and Cathy are having breakfast together and chatting about the upcoming masquerade ball. When Barbara pulls out a cigarette but can't find a light, Cathy empties her purse looking for one and accidentally (?) lets a Polaroid of herself and Alan fall onto the table. Barbara picks it up and is all 'the fuck?!" as she realizes she's been cuckqueaned this entire time, then gets up and starts to rush off. Cathy runs after her to apologize and admit that, yeah, she (Barbara) was the person she was chortling about earlier when she mentioned that the wife of her married lover had found two cruise tickets...and also confesses to accompanying Alan to a recent convention in New York. Barbara laments not knowing whether she should divorce Alan or kill him, and Cathy assures her she doesn't want to do either and implies that Barbara is at least somewhat to blame for driving Alan into the arms of another woman 'cause she had the audacity to spend her time and energy building her own career. That said, she insists that because Alan is so devoted to his marriage, her affair with him is officially dunzo. A tortured looking Barbara says she's always going to be worried that whenever she's laying in the cheater's arms he'll be thinking of his mistress, and Cathy ruefully says she always felt that way whenever she was laying in his arms. She then says she's just concocted a plan in her head to find out what's truly in Alan's heart...and say that as if it's actually reasonable to expect Alan's innermost desires to be anywhere near the top of Barbara's priority list.
Ox reports to Vernon that he just spotted Roz Rogers asleep on a pool lounger wearing her ginormous diamond necklace. He craftily adds that he took something...and when the Thief Gang perks up at the word took, he shows them the photo he just snapped. Womp womp! As the three groan their mounting frustration, Vernon perks up and says he's just come up with Plan D.
Julie, Doc, Gopher, and Isaac drop in on Jenny with several bouquets of roses, all courtesy of Steve...and Jenny gets a fragrant noseful and can't help but look touched by the sweetly romantic gesture.
A few seconds later, Jenny heads over to Steve's cabin to admit what a fool she was last night, and that she now fully realizes that they truly love each other. She then says she's off to her cabin, then opens the door but doesn't actually leave...and giggles about the unfairness of her not being able to get away with that trick. Steve laughingly calls her crazy, then plants her lips with a big smooch.
Masquerade Ball! Barbara, who's dressed up as Marie Antoinette tells her Dracula-costumed husband that she forgot her purse in the cabin and needs to go back and get it. She urges him to meet up with Cathy, who will be disguised as a mime.
Captain Stubing, who's dressed up as King Henry VIII, meets up with his crew to instruct them to keep a close eye on Roz and the ginormous diamond necklace she insists on wearing everywhere, then threatens, "Or heads will roll." LOL.
Mime Cathy greets Alan, makes sure he gets a good long look at her costume and face makeup, then rushes off to covertly hand over the situation to Barbara, who's now wearing the exact same mime costume and white face makeup. Mime Barbara attempts to canoodle Alan, but he gruffly tells her to cut it out, 'cause after some serious soul-searching, he's decided that his life is with Barbara. He adds that he regrets having an extramarital affair instead of opening up to his wife, then laments that he's still not saying these things directly to Barbara...but Barbara reacts by saying, "You are." A stunned Alan's all, "Barbara..?" and admits to being a philandering jerk, and Barbara's all, "Well, yeah...but I too have been a jerk for daring to devote a lot of time and energy to my career in lieu of catering to your needs 24/7", then chuckles about how she had to get dressed up as a mime in order to get to know him better. A relieved looking Alan asks her if she can ever forgive him for his extramarital boning [of at least one woman that we know of], and she softly coos, "Let me tell you in mime" before leaning in so that the two can suck face.
Over in the dining room, Jenny overhears Bill gushingly promise Roz that he'll buy her her own Love Boat, along with a house in Cannes. A few seconds later, Steve returns to the table with a couple of drinks, and Jenny contorts her face into a sourly judgey expression and tells him that she just eavesdropped on a materialistic couple who thinks that love is all about buying each other expensive things. She makes him promise that they'll never turn out like that...and at the next table, Roz and Bill, who are now eavesdropping on her conversation, hang their heads in shame before abruptly leaving the table.
The Thief Gang is ready to launch Operation Steal Roz's Ginormous Diamond Necklace and hopes that the fourth time's a charm.
Roz gestures over at Jenny and asks Doc and Gopher who the sanctimonious wet blanket is...and when Doc explains that she's a blind passenger named Jenny Lang, a still shame-faced Roz sheepishly remarks, "I think she sees better than we do."
Taffy whispers in Gopher's ear, then in Doc's to tell them both to meet her by the ship's fantail in five minutes...and when they both beat a cartoonishly hasty retreat, Captain Stubing heads over to where Roz and Bill are standing, mumbling irritably about how his crew just left their assigned guard post. A few seconds later, the dining room is suddenly plunged into darkness, which leads to panicked screeching - until the lights come back on...and Captain Stubing discovers that someone stole the junk jewelry medallion he was wearing around his neck as part of his King Henry VIII costume.
Vernon meets up with the rest of the Thief Gang above deck and triumphantly holds up the trinket he stole - but then is all, "Fuuuuuuuuuck!!" when he realizes that he unwittingly stole a worthless piece of jewelry instead of Roz's diamond necklace. Womp womp!
Roz and Bill stroll onto the deck where the thieves have congregated, talking about how Jenny just gave them the kick in the pants they needed to experience a hard dose of reality. Roz says that Jenny, despite being blind, has everything that really matters in life: humanity, warmth, and love. She adds that they too could have that if their never ending lust for material goods wasn't always in the way...then rips the diamond necklace from her neck, and hands it to Bill, who tosses it into the ocean. The two canoodle happily at the [pretend] stand they've taken, while the appalled thieves shake their heads in disgust and dejectedly shuffle off at what a complete bust their la raison d'être for being aboard this ship has turned out to be.
Over by the fantail, Doc and Gopher are huddling under a thick blanket, hornily waiting for Taffy to make her appearance. LOL.
When the ship reaches port in Los Angeles, Barbara tells Cathy that The Mime Switch worked perfectly, and that she's decided to throw all sense of self-respect to the wind and stay married to her philandering shitbag of a husband who they somehow agree is "a pretty nice guy". When Alan lumbers over, Barbara gaily tells him he has terrific taste in women, and Alan solemnly argues, "I have terrific taste in wives."
Vernon, Elwood, and Taffy dejectedly wander over to Isaac, who bids them a friendly farewell. Vernon suddenly realizes that they're missing Ox, so Isaac says he saw him leave awhile ago...and that when his chauffeur picked him up, he couldn't decide whether to go to his Malibu beach house, his penthouse in Los Angeles, or to take his jet to the ranch. When the thieves realize that their former partner in crime is inexplicably wealthy, Vernon declares that he's ready to enact Plan E...and a puzzled Isaac stares after them, his face scrunched confusedly.
Jenny happily tells Julie that she proposed to Steve, he accepted, and they're going to enjoy a life of wedded bliss...and Julie gives the two dullards a congratulatory hug and wishes them all the best.
Captain Stubing tells Roz and Bill it was a pleasure having them aboard, and is greatly relieved that their diamond wasn't stolen. Roz breezily informs him that they threw that gaudy thing overboard...and when Captain Stubing and Julie are all, "Say wha-a-a?!", Bill confides that it was a fake, and that the real ginormous diamond necklace is safely locked away in a vault in their bank. Roz says she's come to the realization that holding onto such a rare jewel doesn't actually bring her that much happiness, and so she and Bill have agreed to donate it to The School for the Blind, which is clearly doing wonderful work...and says this as she lovingly stares over at Jenny. As Roz and Bill skip along on their merry way, a deeply moved Captain Stubing remarks to Julie, "You know, those two really are stars." [Either that or overpaid entertainers.]