"Lonely at the Top / Divorce Me, Please / Silent Night"
Original airdate: 12/9/1977
Episode summary: A married couple spends their cruise desperately wishing the other would ask for a divorce. A man wrongly convicted for embezzlement seeks revenge against his ex-bestie. Captain Stubing plays Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and bonds with a group of boy orphans.
Recap: Julie moans to Gopher, Isaac, and Doc about how homesick she is for snowy Oregon, and that this'll be the first Christmas she's spending without her family. Isaac clucks sympathetically and agrees that Christmas is a time to be with family, while Doc describes his Christmas tradition: jet to Vegas and get treated to a turkey dinner by his ex-wives. Gopher starts nattering about his family's many traditions - just as Captain Stubing wanders over to say hey...and to tell the crew that, to him, Christmas is just another day and that they should stop this unauthorized yakking and get back to work. Gopher remarks on how nice it'd be if the captain n' crew exchanged Christmas presents, but Captain Stubing pissily reminds him about the ship's 'no present exchange rule', and makes it clear that he's totes unwilling to bend on it.
A married, hoping to soon be ex-couple, Audrey and Paul Baynes, are keeping to themselves how much each loathes the other when they arrive to check in with Julie and Gopher. Audrey gushes aloud about how thrilled she is that Paul is treating her to this cruise as the voice inside Paul's head grumbles, "If I didn't bring you, I'd have to kiss you goodbye", while the voice inside Audrey's head grumbles, "I'd rather be in a swamp with Idi Amin." Julie gives them their assigned cabin number and wishes them a wonderful time aboard, and Audrey's inner voice rails about her greatest wish for a present this Christmas: a divorce from her dumbass husband.
Lila Barton arrives on board with her haunted looking husband, Dan, who says it feels as though everyone's staring at him, and that he may as well wear a sign that reads EX-CON. Lila reminds him that he's not a criminal, but rather an innocent man who got a raw deal serving three years in prison for a crime he didn't commit...and that he should do his best to turn that frown upside down and focus on his fresh start. The two then check in with Gopher, who remarks to Dan that his pasty white face could sure use a dose of sunshine, and Dan growls in annoyance before stomping off.
Father Mike (an L.A. priest) arrives with six lucky boys from his orphanage to enjoy the Christmas cruise. He introduces the kids to Julie, and after they scamper off with Father Mike, Captain Stubing wanders over to look pretend aghast at the fact that there are going to be six orphans running amok on his ship and grumbles, "I hope they behave themselves." Julie points out that they're kids, and that the point of them being on this cruise is to run around and have fun...then tells him that some anonymous benefactor buys tickets each year for a group of orphans to enjoy the Christmas cruise, and no one has any idea who it is. Captain Stubing shrugs faux cluelessly at that before snarling, "Someone with more dollars than sense."
Lila asks Dan if he'd be more comfortable dining in their cabin, but he assures her that he's more than ready to be among people again. After a smooch, he glumly tells Lila he doesn't deserve her...and when she assures him that everything is going to be A-OK once they get their fresh start, he points out that since he's an ex-con, he won't be able to practice law anymore and sourly adds that there aren't many job opportunities for someone who's served prison time for embezzlement.
Father Mike finds Captain Stubing leaning against the railings on one of the decks, staring despondently out at the ocean. Father Mike tells him that the kids are getting ready for dinner, and that he managed to sort out whatever fights they were having amongst each other. Captain Stubing says he's good with kids...then sadly adds that he, on the other hand, understands the sea - but not people, and admits to feeling very lonely this Christmas. Father Mike clucks sympathetically about how the holiday season can often isolate people more than usual, then asks if he has at least one friend among the crew. Captain Stubing says he can't be both their friend and curmudgeonly boss - but Father Mike's like, "Sure you can" and suggests that he take the time to get to know them as people and insert himself more in their lives.
Over in the dining room, Audrey and Paul toast each other while the voices in their heads express the utter disdain each feels for the other as they desperately hope that the cruise ends with their divorce. It remains unclear what the barrier is to either of them calling a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling in putting them both out of this already tedious marital misery.
Lila suggests to Dan that he call Walter Perry when they return home, and reminds him that Walter was his friend and law partner who defended him during the trial and was always good to her while he was in the clink. Dan gets visibly upset at the mention of Walter, then says he needs to go above deck for some fresh air.
Captain Stubing runs into Isaac and insultingly attempts to bond with him with a, "Hey man, whas' happening?" Isaac gives him a strange look and says he's on his way to the lounge, and the captain replies, "Well, I can dig that, you have to split. That's cool...I'll lay some words on you later." He then asks Isaac to give him five, and Isaac somehow refrains from asking if he's currently experiencing some kind of mental break.
Dan spots Walter Perry asking Gopher to cash a traveller's check for him...and after Walter saunters off, Dan stares after him, his face contorted into a bitter looking expression.
At bedtime, Audrey and Paul wonder aloud what the other bought them for Christmas, followed by their inner voices once again expressing their deep hatred for one another. Audrey grimaces at the sound of Paul's gargling/man noises in the bathroom...and later when she goes into the bathroom, Paul grimaces at the sound of her shrieky singing voice. When she emerges from the bathroom, wearing a layer of unsightly facial cream and a hair net, his inner voice expresses how desperate for a divorce he is...as does Audrey, despite the illusion she's somehow under that he wouldn't be able to live without the wondrousness of her singing voice.
Captain Stubing finds Julie working on some needlepoint...and when she abruptly stops 'cause she assumes he's about to yell at her for slacking off, he remarks on how pretty her needlepoint is and asks if she wouldn't mind teaching him how to stitch. She gives him a funny look, but dutifully gives him a demonstration...so then he gives it a try and suggests he get a kit that the two of them can work on together. A weirded out Julie blurts out that needlepoint bores her stiff, tells him he's welcome to continue her needlepoint project, and flees...and a few seconds later, Father Mike wanders over and chides Captain Stubing for spending his time on needlepoint instead of getting to know his crew better, like he'd suggested. Womp womp!
Lila and Dan encounter Walter Perry sitting at the end of one of the ship's bars...and when Dan approaches him, he visibly pales and says he's shocked to see him 'cause he assumed he was still in the can. After Lila gives Walter a warm greeting, he starts chatting nervously about a hair appointment he made with the barber, then scurries off. Lila remarks on his strange behavior just now, to which Dan snarls, "He is strange" and adds that he's now 100% certain that Walter was the one who screwed him over and let him rot in prison for a crime he committed...and a shocked Lila's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?!"
Audrey shops in the ship's boutique and asks the salesgirl what various items cost, and Doc remarks on how how refreshing it is for a woman to be concerned about finances, then explains that he divorced his ex-wife 'cause she never asked for the price of anything and spent him into the poor house. Audrey perks up at that possible shortcut towards her own divorce, then asks the salesgirl to show her the most expensive jewelry in the store.
Paul, meanwhile, gets into an elevator with a woman who's happily telling her friend that she just divorced her imbecile of a husband 'cause he got drunk to the point of dancing with a lampshade atop his head, and just generally acted like a horse's ass whenever he was out in public. When the woman warns her friend, "Never marry a man who drinks", Paul perks up at that possible shortcut towards his own divorce...and after he exits the elevator, makes a beeline to the nearest bar.
As the crew decorates the ship's large Christmas tree, Captain Stubing asks Father Mike if he could recommend any funny jokes for him to re-tell...so Father Mike tells him a lame joke (that apparently is a lot funnier in Latin) about a Martian who comes to earth, enters a saloon, and gets so turned on by a pinball machine - with it's flashing lights and noise - that it delivers the pick-up line, "Hey sweetheart, what's a pretty girl like you doin' in a place like this?" Captain Stubing mulls that over, then walks over to where the crew is decorating the tree and repeats the joke, which goes over like a lead balloon. Doc then changes the subject to which of them is going to play Santa this year (minus Julie 'cause women apparently aren't allowed), and the Captain imperiously declares that since he owns the suit, he plays Santa Claus.
That evening, Julie, Gopher, Doc, and Isaac are enjoying some very strong rum punch...and when one of Father Mike's orphans tries to scam his way into getting a glass, Isaac hastily steps in to fill his glass with 100% fruit juice.
Lila asks Dan if he can put his general aura of glumness aside for one night so that they can have a pleasant Christmas Eve, gives him a hug, then wanders over to the chest of drawers and gasps when she sees a gun laying in the midst of her dainties. She cries, "Dan! OMG, noooo!" and says she now realizes that he knew full well Walter Perry was going to be aboard The Love Boat, and that this pleasure cruise was all about revenge. Dan grumbles that it's his business whether or not he shoots Walter - but Lila reminds him that his three year incarceration also directly affected her, implores him to not remove the gun from this cabin, and declares that if he murders his ex-friend, their marriage is toast. Dan picks up the gun, then puts it back into the drawer before giving his wife a hug.
A drunken Paul asks Isaac to ply him with some more booze...and when a bemused Isaac says he thought he heard him refer to himself as teetotaler, Paul jests that he must have been drunk when he said it. Audrey suddenly rushes over, is all 'the fuck?' about him drunkenly staggering around, then hands him a stack of receipts for all the expensive jewelry she purchased at the boutique. When Paul squints at the receipts and is all 'the fuck?', Audrey gleefully asks him if there's something he'd like to ask her...perhaps that starts with a D? ... but he just slurs, "Ya wanna dance?" and drunkenly takes her for a spin on the dance floor as she snarls at him to get off of her foot.
Dan ambles over to the punch bowl to get a refill when he overhears Walter Perry grumbling to someone about how he once had a law partner who stole all of his money and went to prison. As Dan twitches with rage, Walter obliviously shuffles off...and a few seconds later, Dan - who now looks like he's on a mission - trails after him.
Captain Stubing makes his grand entrance as a "Ho-ho-ho-ing" Santa Claus. He opens his sack o' gifts and starts handing them out to the orphans...but runs out when he gets to the last kid, Tony. As Tony stares at him with hope in his eyes fading, Santa Stubing admits that, yep, he's one present short and is going to have to race back to the North Pole to retrieve something. Tony reacts by tearing up and racing off...and when Father Mike goes after him, the crew sympathetically clucks, "Poor Captain Stubing."
On the deck, Dan draws his gun on Walter, who's all, "Ack! Don't do anything foolish!" ... and Dan growls that he already has, namely spending three years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. As a worried Lila eavesdrops from an upper deck, Walter admits that, yeah, he got himself into some deep shit to the point that he desperately needed money, so decided 'why don't I dickishly ruin the life and career of my law partner and then assume I can get him acquitted?' Walter tearfully begs for his life - just as Dan hears the orphans et. al. singing Christmas carols in the nearby pool area. He abruptly throws his gun overboard and snarls, "Merry Christmas", and a relieved looking Lila rushes down the staircase and gives him a grateful hug.
Santa Stubing finds Tony hiding in a shower by the pool area. He cries, "Go away! You blew it!" and Santa Stubing admits that, yep, he definitely did blow it - but then tried to fix his screw-up by looking around his office for anything he could pass off as present for a young boy and hastily wrapped it up. He hands him the present...and as Tony unwraps it, he explains that it's an old instrument that the seamen of yore used to navigate ships. Tony mulls that over for a few seconds and decides it's a pretty cool gift, thanks Santa Stubing, and scampers off to show the makeshift gift to his orphan buddies.
Audrey tells Paul that after the cruise she plans to blow a whole lot of cash on a new furniture set for their living room, and he's like, "I see your furniture set and raise you a clown suit that I'm going to wear to work from now on." Audrey chuckles at that self-sabotaging inanity and says that lately she finds him delightfully hilarious, and he compliments her beauty before planting a big smooch on her lips.
Santa Stubing returns to his office, where his crew has been waiting to bellow, "Merry Christmas!" When he stares at them in shock and asks whassup with them being in his office all cheery and festive, they explain that they were feeling sorry for themselves for having to work during the holidays instead of being with their families - but then realized that, in fact, they all have two families...and that as captain he's the head of their Love Boat family. Santa Stubing gets all verklempt and tells them he's soooo proud to have them on his crew, but even prouder to count them as friends. When they give him his present, he happily breaks the 'no present exchange rule' by going into his desk drawer and pulling out a stack of wrapped goodies for them.
Audrey sings Christmas carols in the dining room as the passengers arrive for the big turkey dinner.
Walter intercepts Dan as he enters the dining room and sheepishly informs him that since he didn't shoot him earlier, he decided to contact the LAPD, plans to make a full confession of his crimes, and will ensure that he (Dan) gets his law license reinstated. Lila's all, "Hooray!" and thanks him, then steers Dan over to the captain's table to dig into the turkey dinner.
Doc tells Father Mike that a bunch of stuff was collected for the orphanage...and when Gopher asks where they should send it, Tony suggests they just give it to Captain Stubing, since he visits the orphanage every month to say hey to all the kids and do fun stuff like take them out to ballgames. Julie suddenly realizes that Captain Stubing must be the mysterious donor who finances the orphans' cruise tickets every Christmas, but he doesn't admit to that and lightheartedly bellows, "Bah humbug!"
The next day, Lila and Dan thank Gopher for a great cruise, and Dan is all smiles and declares that today is the first day of the rest of his life.
Audrey and Paul, meanwhile, have decided they now love all the things they once hated about each other and are no longer desperate to be divorced...which, er, OK.
The orphans give Captain Stubing a bottle of champagne as a thank you gift for his kindness...and as the crew wonders aloud how in blazes the kids got their hands on a bottle of alcohol, one of the boys says, "Where there's a will there's a way" while two other boys - one atop another's shoulders with a long coat over them to look unconvincingly like a fully grown man - ambles off the ship.
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"Dear Beverly / The Strike / Special Delivery"
Original airdate: 12/2/1977
Episode summary: Captain Stubing quarrels with the ship's arrogant new chef, which leads to a general strike of the kitchen staff. An advice columnist is pressured into putting her career on the back burner in order to placate her insecure husband. An estranged couple reunites moments before their baby is born.
Recap: As cartloads of cooking ware gets wheeled aboard the ship, Julie explains to a bemused Isaac and Gopher that since their usual chef has appendicitis, he's being temporarily replaced by the imperious Chef Antonio Borga...who, a few seconds later, makes his grand entrance. Chef Borga tut tuts Julie for being waaaaay too skinny to attract a mate, and promises that with the right amount of fettuccine, he can get her fattened up in no time. Julie ignores his slim-shaming and cheerfully assures him that he's going to greatly enjoy feeding the masses on this voyage, not least 'cause the ship is generally awesome and is staffed with a helpful crew - and Chef Borga interjects by sniping, "And a jackass for a captain." Captain Stubing, who's standing close enough to overhear that snub, growlingly demands, "What did you say?", and Chef Borga responds by telling the crew that he has nothing but disdain for their captain on account of he once added ketchup to his bouillabaisse. Egads! Captain Stubing wryly adds that the ketchup did nothing to improve the horrendousness of his nasty cooking, then informs the crew that he plans on eating TV dinners as long as Borga is going to be serving as the ship's chef [who he presumably signed on off on hiring].
Travel agent Jeff Smith saunters aboard the ship, kisses Julie on the cheek, and tells her that, yep, he's taking yet another Pacific Princess cruise 'cause he's in the process of putting together a holiday package for the airlines. He then ambles off in such a dejected fashion that Julie can't help wondering aloud to Gopher whaddup with his glumness, then wistfully points out that he used to be "such a live wire". Gopher says he heard on the grapevine that Jeff recently split with his wife...and as an intrigued Julie chews on that fascinating nugget, Gopher's all, "Mmm hmm.." and asks her if she's into the idea of tapping that, and she snarkishly tells him to get lost. [I'll take that as a yes.]
Two elderly women are gushing at columnist Beverly Blanchard about how they always read her Dear Beverly advice column and never miss her afternoon TV show. Beverly breezily says it's soooo lovely to meet them as Gopher does his best to steer her away from the pesky fans...and while her husband, Russ, mills around a few feet away, looking visibly irked. When the elderly women fail to take the hint and continue peppering Beverly with advice-related questions, Gopher tells them to put a pin in it until Beverly's lecture on Sunday, then ushers her further away and obliviously tells Russ he also needs to step off...then sheepishly apologizes when Russ explains that he's Mr. Blanchard (aka Beverly's far less interesting other half).
Doc encounters a pregnant passenger, who introduces herself as Gail Smith...and when he says he hopes that she and Mr. Smith have a great cruise vacation, she glumly explains that there is no Mr. Smith travelling with her. She cryptically adds that she made a big mistake with that whole thing, then sadly lumbers off to settle into her cabin.
Beverly assures her husband that they're going to have a fantastic vacation...and when he just grunts in reply, she chides him for his grouchiness and tells him to just sit back and enjoy the cruise. Russ grumbles about how he'd enjoy it a lot more if he were paying for it and not freeloading off of her success, and she [refrains from calling him out for his insultingly misogynist attitude and] reminds him that in exchange for her doing one measly lecture on Sunday, they've been given free cruise tickets. Russ points out that he's perfectly capable of paying for them to take a cruise that doesn't entail her having to interact with her fan base - but she insists that she loves her work...as she does him, and tries to appease him with a big smooch. He responds by tossing her atop the bed and moaning about how much he'd loooooove to get it on with her right here and now, and she says that while she'd loooooove that too, she has an advice column to type up. She urges him to go on deck for some sun and fun and promises that she'll be along shortly, and he mumbles, "Yeah, OK, whatever" and shuffles off. Beverly sits down at her desk and reads aloud a letter from an advice seeker: a heavyset woman has no idea what to do about her son, who seems to enjoy wearing her dresses. She mulls that over for a few seconds before flippantly exclaiming, "Go on a diet!" and types up her full response.
During dinner, Chef Borga looks incensed as he spies on Captain Stubing, who's dousing the gourmet dinner he's just been served with many spoonfuls of ketchup.
Beverly and Russ enter the dining room and run into another couple waiting to be seated. The wife gushes to Beverly about how much she looooooves her column and that her goal while on this cruise is to meet lots of new people. Beverly perks up at the prospect of being wanked all through dinner and asks Russ if he too would be interested in dining with a couple they just met two seconds ago, and he graciously tells her he'd be delighted.
Jeff moans to Julie about his string of failed relationships, imminent divorce, and generally messed up life...and after he gives her a half-hearted smooch, she tells him she gets the strong sense that his heart isn't really into hooking up with her. Jeff assures her that while she's a fantastic gal, he's still hopeless hung up on his wife Gail...who we can safely assume is (not coincidentally) the same Gail Smith Doc was chatting with earlier.
Gail is dining with Doc, Gopher, and Isaac, who somehow get on the topic of blurting out name suggestions for her unborn baby. When Gopher suggests the name Jeff, and contemplates how the full name of Jeff Smith would sound - uh, pretty darn vanilla, in my opinion - Gail gets visibly upset and flees the dining room. Doc races after her, finds her sobbing against the railing of the deck, and asks if there's anything he can do to help...and she leans against him and sobs about how Jeff Smith is the name of her soon-to-be ex-husband, with whom she's still hopelessly in love and who has no idea she's even pregnant 'cause he walked out on her to shack up with another woman long before she started showing. Yep, a real keeper.
The next day by the pool area, Beverly apologizes to Russ for neglecting him earlier and explains that she was working on her new book...and Russ is all, "Wuh? A book now?" and self-piteously says she should have just brought a photo of him if she felt like she needed his company aboard this cruise [which sounds like kind of a win-win, given his general aura of sourpussedness.] Beverly chides him for spoiling their vacation with his pissy 'tude and reminds him that it's been a long time since they've been able to get away together...and he mulls that over before suggesting he head over to the bar and get the two of them some cocktails to enjoy.
Russ orders two cocktails from Isaac, then heads back to Beverly, who's suddenly holding court with a gaggle of fawning women. Russ tries to get her attention by waving one of the drinks at her, looks peeved when she fails to notice, and decides to wander over to a nearby seating area. He encounters a pretty young blonde named Peggy who remarks on what a popular wife he has, and Russ wryly agrees and offers her Beverly's cocktail. The two elderly women who were gushing over Beverly earlier notice Russ keeping company with the attractive young woman who's not Beverly, and take it upon themselves to march over and purse smack him.
Chef Borga is above deck and tossing the kitchen's entire ketchup supply into the ocean when Captain Stubing races over and is all, "The fuck you doin'?" Chef Borga pissily retorts that he can swim for his ketchup if he wants to disgrace his cooking, then whines about the challenge of creating edible masterpieces for hundreds of passengers every day. Captain Stubing points out that his role of commanding a ship is far more complicated than being head of the kitchen staff...and the two bicker back and forth in an incoherent snipefest before Chef Borga storms off.
Julie is hanging out in the ship's casino with Jeff as he glumly plays one of the slot machines. She urges him to do something about getting back together with his wife if that's what he wants, but he grumbles about how he burned that bridge and highly doubts that Gail would ever forgive him for cheating on her. He then gives up on the slot machine and ambles off with Julie...and a few seconds later, Gail enters the casino with Doc and starts playing the same slot machine and miraculously wins a jackpot on her first try.
During dinner at the Captain's table that evening, Beverly is regaling the other diners with various stories while Russ poutishly eats, but then perks up when Peggy arrives and seats herself next to him. Beverly tells Captain Stubing that she'd sure love some chocolate soufflé for dessert, but can't find it on the menu, so Captain Stubing summons Gopher over and orders him to make a special request of the chef. A few seconds later, Gopher returns and tells him that Chef Borga told him where he can shove his special dessert request, so the captain storms into the kitchen to confront Borga about his insubordination. When Chef Borga stubbornly refuses to make the dessert, Captain Stubing derisively refers to him as "a short order cook", and Borga gasps in horror and demands an apology for that insult, then warns that this will be the last meal he's cooking aboard this ship if he doesn't get apologized to asap. Captain Stubing refuses and heads back to his table and fibs to Beverly that the chocolate soufflé is a no-go 'cause there's currently a ship-wide chocolate shortage. Beverly assures him it's fine, then suddenly notices that Russ is no longer at the table...and when she's all, "Where in blazes did my husband disappear to?", the other diners at the table give her a funny look as they tell her he left, and that she must not remember absently saying goodbye to him when he departed with Leggy Peggy.
Isaac heads to the upper deck to deliver a drink - but when he notices Russ and Peggy sitting together on a pool lounger and sucking face, he's all, "Ack!" and hastily sneaks back down the staircase.
Isaac dishes to Gopher about how he just saw Russ kissing another woman, and Gopher contorts his face into an expression of shock and calls him "a rotten creep". Isaac argues that it's Beverly's own fault for neglecting her husband...while Gopher wrings his hands about whether or not he should enlighten Beverly about her husband's extramarital shenanigans, to which Isaac chuckles and says it sounds like a problem for Dear Beverly.
A despondent looking Jeff is wandering around the deck, smoking his pipe. He dejectedly ambles off camera - just as Gail and Doc stroll over. She suddenly starts sobbing and explains to Doc that she's so distraught about losing Jeff that she thought she smelled his tobacco pipe just now...then laments pushing him into the arms of another woman and robbing her baby of the opportunity of knowing its father. An impatient Doc tells her she's not solving her life problems by railing to him about all this and strongly urges her to call Jeff pronto to 1) tell him she's totally fine with turning a blind eye to his philandering, and 2) inform him that - surprise! - he's about to become a daddy. Gail mulls that over and decides 'ah, why the fuck not?'
As Beverly delivers a lecture to her many fans, Gopher notices Russ once again keeping company with Peggy on the deck above them. During the Q&A period of the lecture, Gopher asks Beverly for advice about a witty and charming "friend" who isn't paying enough attention to her giant baby of a husband, who's reacting to all the time she's devoting to building a successful career by revenge-canoodling another woman. Beverly says that if this "friend" has the audacity to spend time away from her husband, she needs to just suck it up when he turns to another woman for attention...then glances up and notices Russ and Peggy yukking it up on the deck above.
Julie pleads with Captain Stubing to - for the love of all that is holy - swallow his pride for the few seconds it's going to take to apologize to Chef Borga for the short order cook crack, given that he's ready to walk off the job with the entire kitchen staff. Captain Stubing refuses to cave in to Borga's demand and says he can handle a kitchen worker strike...and in the next scene is in the kitchen, kneading a ginormous wad of dough, while Julie, Isaac, Doc, and Gopher ineptly assist with the rest of the dinner prep. They all look frazzled...and when Doc burns the pork to a crisp, Julie snarls about how inane it is for the captain to not just apologize to Chef Borga, not least 'cause this idiotic situation is mostly unfair to the passengers, who paid good money for this cruise and are going to be expecting something decent to eat at dinnertime. A few seconds later, Chef Borga enters the kitchen looking delightedly smug at how badly the crew is struggling. Captain Stubing says he assumes he's here to apologize, and Chef Borga says in fact he came to receive an apology...and after Captain Stubing defiantly storms out, the chef informs the crew that if they expect him to return to the job, he's going to need that apology in writing. Once he leaves the kitchen and is out of earshot, Julie tells Gopher, Isaac, and Doc that what this situation calls for is some easy-to-commit acts of forgery.
Julie hands Chef Borga a written apology, forged with the captain's signature, and he grins happily and says he'd be more than happy to return to the kitchen. As that's happening, Isaac hands Captain Stubing a written apology, forged with Chef Borga's signature...and a few seconds later, the four run into each other in a corridor, where the captain and chef exchange smug grins before carrying on with their assigned duties.
Russ enters his cabin while Beverly is typing up her column. She hastily explains that she's in the process of writing to her fans about how she's going to be out of commission for awhile so that she can vacation in peace with her fragile-egoed suck of a husband. She emphasizes that she doesn't want to lose him, then anxiously asks if it's too late for her to get back in line... and he chuckles and gives her hug while assuring her he loves her, especially now that she's willing to put her career on the back burner strictly to appease him.
Chef Borga is back in the kitchen, happily cooking up a storm, when Captain Stubing drops in to express his great relief at everything being back to normal. He tells the chef it was big of him to apologize in writing, and Chef Borga's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and says as far as he understands, he was the one who was apologized to in writing. The two produce their apology letters, both denying that they wrote the letters...and Julie and Isaac declare that they're off to track down the forger. LOL. Chef Borga yells at Captain Stubing for having the temerity to be in his kitchen, to which the captain reminds him that the kitchen is part of his ship. He starts to stomp off, then decides that this nonsensical feud has long run its course and apologizes for his assholery this episode...and Julie and Isaac, who have been eavesdropping on the conversation, grin in happily relief.
Gail tells Doc she tried calling Jeff and learned that he's currently on a work trip. Doc points out that that checks out, given that he's a travel agent and frequently goes on work trips...and Gail says she's choosing to believe that explanation instead of picturing him in the sack with another woman.
Jeff tells Julie he's decided to contact Gail to tell her he just can't quit her and wants to resume their marriage. Julie squeals happily and hugs him - just as Gail notices the two of them through a window. A few seconds later, she goes into labor...and Jeff glances through the window, sees her writhing in pain, and rushes over exclaiming, "Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" He explains to Doc that he's Gail's [shitbag of a] husband, and Doc's like 'whatever' and says they need to get Gail to his exam room pronto so he can deliver their baby, and Jeff scoops Gail into his arms and coos about how much he looooooves her.
Doc is doing his best to deliver Gail's spawn while Jeff holds his wife's hand and tells her he stayed away for so long 'cause he too proud [and too much of a total douchewad] to own up to brazenly cheating on her once the going got tough. As that's happening, the anxious looking crew is pacing in the adjacent waiting room, wondering aloud if Doc is actually a real doctor...and if he's ever delivered a baby before. Captain Stubing enters the waiting room, also expressing anxiety about Doc's medical credentials as he hopes that the birthing process is running as smoothly as possible. Inside the exam room, Doc urges Gail to push one last time...and after she does, he announces: it's a boy! The crew look visibly relieved when they hear the baby's cries and decide that Doc is most likely, probably a real doctor after all. Even though he seems to spend the bulk of his time aboard the ship chasing the hottest tail he can get.
As this episode's passengers begin to depart the ship, Doc runs into Peggy and is all, "Mmm...you're hot. How is it that we didn't hook up?" and ushers her off to the side [no doubt to squeeze in a doctor-passenger smooch after having to hang with a despondent pregnant woman all cruise]. The two elderly Dear Beverly fans witness the flirtitude and chide him for being a shameless sex fiend.
Beverly and Russ thank Gopher for a fun cruise and cheerfully go on their merry way.
Captain Stubing tells Chef Borga he can sail with him anytime and that he loooooved the chocolate soufflé he whipped up for him the other night. Chef Borga beams at the compliment, jokes that ketchup was a key ingredient in the soufflé, then happily skips off the ship.
Jeff tells Gail he's coming home so that he can resume being her husband and start being a father to their son. They smooch while the crew coos over their newborn...and Gail thanks Doc for the safe delivery of her son, while Jeff thanks Julie for being such a great marriage counsellor...and for so easily passing on an impromptu hookup with him, 'cause for a minute it looked like where that storyline was headed.
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"The Captain's Captain / Dog's Life / Romance Roulette"
Original airdate: 11/25/1977
Episode summary: Captain Stubing is stressed out when his belligerent father boards the ship for a cruise vacation. Three gals who reunite after their college years indulge in a dating game that ends with true love. A German Shepherd terrorizes one of the ship's passengers.
Recap: Julie and Doc are at their welcome post, waiting to cheerily greet this episode's passengers. The first to arrive is Don Flanders, who yells, "So long rat race!" at the world he's about to leave behind for the next week, addresses Julie as "fun", and asks her what time the festivities start. Julie tells him he's free to start enjoying all the fun and sun that the ship has to offer now that she's officially checked him in (aka given him his assigned cabin number), and he happily scampers off to change into his swim trunks.
Gopher rushes over to inform Julie and Doc that security just called to report one of their guard dogs missing and asks if, by chance, either of them has seen a German Shepherd aimlessly trotting around the ship. Doc jokes that the only barking he's been hearing lately has come from Captain Stubing, and Julie explains that their boss is extra testy today 'cause his dad is going to be aboard this cruise, and apparently he's a retired naval captain and obnoxious buttinsky. A few seconds later, Merrill Stubing, Sr. reports for his vacation...and when Captain Stubing rushes over to greet his pa, he barks, "Now stow my gear! Ready my cabin! And I'll meet you in your quarters at 1300 hours!" After he marches off to get himself settled, Captain Stubing picks up his pa's luggage, then decides 'ah fuck it' and hands it off to Gopher to deal with.
Beth Luckner sees her gal pal, Toby Chapman, in the lobby area and screechingly rushes over to greet her hello...and the two excitedly gabble while Gopher attempts to catch their names so that he can check them in. The third friend of this college reunion, Regina Parker, shrieks happily and joins in with the banter as Gopher haplessly stands by with his clipboard - until Toby finally takes a break from prattling to complain to her friends that they've been waiting forever for "this clown" to give them their assigned cabin numbers.
Merrill Sr. reports to his son's office and chastises him for spending too little time on the bridge. Captain Stubing assures his dad that he knows what he's doing, as does his deputy captain - but Merrill Sr. grumbles that when he was a captain, he never trusted his ship to anyone...and irrelevantly adds that they didn't win the big war sitting in their cabins. Captain Stubing points out that this is a cruise ship not a war ship, and that World War II (assuming that's the war he's talking about) has been over for more than thirty years. A few seconds later, Gopher enters the office to sheepishly inform his boss that the ship is currently having engine issues, and Merrill Sr. kind of perks up at that inside tidbit and offers his services to diagnose and fix the malfunction.
Don Flanders has changed into his swim trunks and is eager to start enjoying his vacation when he notices a very large German Shepherd sitting atop his bed, making growling noises. He's all, "Say huh?", then coos, "Nice doggie" as he attempts to edge past the pooch - but she responds by racing over to the door and barking ferociously [despite a whole lot of tail wagging] ... and Don's all, "Ack!" and flees to the safety of the bathroom.
Regina is sitting in her cabin, chillin' with some Lord Byron literature, when Toby and Beth burst in and suggest that the three of them go above deck, catch some rays, and play romance roulette, aka a horrible pick-up game that was apparently of great amusement to them during their college years. Regina rolls her eyes and says she thought they gave up that nonsense now that they're rapidly steaming towards middle age - but Toby argues that there's nothing immature or dickish about picking up random guys, having their way with them, then heartlessly dumping them like yesterday's news. Beth concurs wholeheartedly and decrees, "We're playing romance roulette and that's that."
Toby, Beth, and Regina are seated above deck, enjoying some drinks, when Toby decides that the code word for this round of romance roulette will be screwdriver, meaning the three of them will be required to pick up the first three [presumably single] men who order a screwdriver at the nearby bar Isaac is tending. A few seconds later, Doc wanders over and asks Isaac for a refill of this orange juice/vodka concoction that a passenger is drinking...and Beth squeals excitedly before making a beeline over to the bar to ask Doc to specify the actual name of the drink he just ordered. While Doc mutely contemplates his response, a short, bespectacled dork named Morton bounds over and orders a screwdriver...and Beth stares over at him in dismay before she gets the romance roulette ball rolling by half-heartedly using the 'haven't we met someplace before?' pick-up line on him. As the two amble off to get better acquainted, Toby bounds over and achieves success in getting Doc to utter the word screwdriver, and he perks up at her sassy flirtitude and offers to show her his cabin...'cause, yeah, why not spend the day boning an attractive passenger instead of serving as the ship's only doctor when that's what you're being paid to do? Regina is alone by the bar when the ship's plumber, a blue collar hottie named Frank Vallone, walks over with his toolbox to fix Isaac's sink. He kneels onto the floor and asks Regina/whoever might be within earshot to hand him a screwdriver...and she puts the tool in his hand - but then refuses to let it go until he meets her smitten gaze, stares smittenly back at her, and introduces himself.
Don opens his bathroom door and uses a coat hanger to try to drag the telephone towards him - but the commotion wakes the German Shepherd, who angrily barks at Don before grabbing the phone's receiver in her jaws. A terrified Don once again flees to the safety of his bathroom.
While entering the dining room, Merrill Sr. rips Captain Stubing a new one about the ship being off-course by half a degree. Captain Stubing explains that these days, that kind of stuff is all controlled by a new-fangled device called a computer - but Merrill Sr. dismissively barks about how there isn't a computer in the world that can match a human mind, and points out that Columbus never used a computer. The two then arrive at the captain's table, where Merrill Sr. insists on sitting in the captain's chair...and Captain Stubing wearily indulges him.
Doc enters the dining room with Toby on his arm...and elsewhere in the room, Beth is dining with Morton, who happily tells her that his co-workers are never going to believe the kind of tail he's been gettin' on this cruise.
Isaac delivers an Irish coffee to Regina's cabin, and she asks him about Frank the Plumber and how she might get in touch with him. Isaac gives her the number of the ship's maintenance department and adds that Frank is on duty tonight...and Regina stares dreamily into space.
Don wakes up from sleeping in the bathtub all night, then opens the door and attempts to tiptoe past the German Shepherd. She immediately becomes alert and starts barking at him to get his ass back inside the bathroom...which he does - but not before he's able to grab the telephone, take it into the bathroom with him, and urgently call for help.
Captain Stubing complains to his crew that his dad is driving him fuckin' nuts and implores them to think of something that'll keep him out of his hair...and when the crew stares at his bald head in amusement, he growls, "Dooooon't say it." LOL. A few seconds later, he runs into Merrill Sr., who snappishly reminds him that it's impossible to run the ship from the Lido deck...and as Captain Stubing makes a run for it, the crew grabs Merrill Sr. and tries to engage him in a game of ping-pong. When that fails to interest him, he announces that he's off to the bridge to micromanage the job of his grown son - but then is physically restrained by the crew...and during the scuffle, Isaac accidentally (?) spills a glass of tomato juice all over his shirt. It finally penetrates Merrill Sr.'s thick skull that all of their antics is a desperate attempt to keep him from bugging the shit out of his son while he's trying to work, so he says he'll somehow refrain from acting as though he's the ship's captain and is off to figure out a way to clean his stained shirt. A few seconds later, Gopher runs over to report that a passenger has been trapped in his cabin all night 'cause the missing guard dog - who's been accidentally located, by the way - is refusing to let him leave. Gopher, Isaac, and Julie then rush over to Don Flanders' cabin - but are unable to get past the growling pooch.
Toby and Beth tease Regina about how Frank must be pretty hot stuff to keep her so intrigued, but Regina says she wouldn't know 'cause she can't spend time with him while he's on call, and he's not allowed to mingle with the passengers. Toby mulls that over for a few seconds before picking up the phone and calling the maintenance department to report that she just dropped her ring in the sink and needs a plumber asap...and then she and Beth cacklingly scamper off to let nature take its course.
Merrill Sr. enters the ship's kitchen, where a cantankerous kitchen worker tells him that the area is off limits to passengers and that he needs to scram. He explains that he's looking for some sea salt to clean his stained shirt, then chides her for not properly addressing him as [a former] captain. She retorts by throwing salt at him and calling him Buster...and when Merrill Sr. warns that her sassy 'tude could get her fired, she snarls, "Aw, blow it out yer ear" and says she couldn't give two shits what he tells to whom, on account of she's being forced to retire once this cruise is over. She then tears up and complains about being "thrown out for fish bait" when she's in the prime of her life, and Merrill Sr. says he can totally empathize, having been recently forced into retirement himself. She introduces herself as P.J. Muldoon, and warns him to not get any fresh ideas about the PJ part of her name, and he grins and tells her she can call him by his nickname, Stubby...which, nope, I'm not going to bring myself to do in this recap.
Frank is unable to find Regina's "lost" ring in the drain, then notices that she's actually wearing what he assumes is the ring in question on her finger. She apologizes for the false alarm...and he's like, "No worries" and starts to head out - until he notices her Lord Byron book. He tells her that Byron is his favorite and that he dabbles in writing poetry from time to time, and Regina perks up at that and tells him that as an English professor she'd loooooove to read his work some time. He tells her he gets off duty at 10pm and usually goes above deck for some fresh air, and Regina's all, "Kewl!" and agrees to meet up with him later.
Gopher and Isaac are attempting to rescue Don by distracting the German Shepherd with some meat on a stick - but the dog aggressively eats the meet, along with half of the stick. The two halfwits are all, "Ack!" and decide they're going to need to come up with Plan B and race off.
Merrill Sr and P.J. are playing gin in the kitchen until she announces she has to start peeling the potatoes, and Merrill Sr. offers to stay and peel along with her.
Later, Regina meets up with Frank, and he shyly pulls a piece of paper from his pocket that has one of his poems written on it and reads it aloud to her. It's a fairly short lament about being a plumber by day and poet at night, and Regina calls it beautiful and asks if she can keep it...and he says she can if she's willing to pay the price: one dance. She eagerly agrees, and the two start swaying together and looking very into each other.
Beth, meanwhile, is awkwardly dancing with the much shorter Morton and wanking him about awesome he is, and if he could please kiss her. Morton gushes about how truly amaaaaaazed he continues to be that he's getting any action aboard this cruise, then uses the steps of the ship's railing to lift himself to her height before planting a big smooch on her lips.
Merrill Sr. and P.J. emerge from the ship's movie theater, and walk hand-in-hand while looking very much in love.
The next morning, Frank tells Regina, who spent the night in his cabin, how amazingly coincidental it is that they happened to meet while he was fixing Isaac's sink, and adds that he's never fallen for a passenger before. He says he's soooo not into the idea of reporting for work today, and the two lock lips and smooch for what seems like a really loooooong time.
Doc, Isaac, Gopher, and the Captain launch Plan B: Operation Drug the German Shepherd With Sirloin Containing a Powerful Tranquilizer. Unfortunately, they fail to inform Don that the drugged meat is for the dog and not him, so when Don spots the tasty sirloin steak that seemed to magically appear inside his cabin, he sneaks it into the bathroom, polishes it off, then looks really woozy before passing out cold. The crew's all, "Ack!" and rush off to formulate what I can only assume will be an ill-conceived Plan C.
Merrill Sr. drops by the kitchen to visit P.J. and gush about how gorgeous she's looking with the yellow flower in her hair, and she stammers about how bad she is at taking compliments - especially from men with whom she's becoming hopelessly smitten. Mmm hmm..
Julie tells Captain Stubing that Don Flanders is going to be furious at being trapped in his cabin for most of the cruise, and Captain Stubing just kind of shrugs disinterestedly and tells her that he spoke with the SPCA in Mazatlan, and that they promised to dispatch an animal control expert to come aboard the ship, armed with a tranquilizer gun. Julie apologizes for the predicament Don is in - but Captain Stubing says it's not her fault, then swiftly changes the subject by crediting her with keeping his dad away far away from him. Julie says she can't take credit for that 'cause Merrill Sr. has been keeping company with a new lady friend he's invited to dine at the captain's table this evening.
Later, Merrill Sr. enters the dining room with P.J. on his arm and steers her over to the captain's table...and an aghast looking Captain Stubing's all, "The fuck?" and says he's extremely uncomfortable with mixing the downstairs people with the upstairs people. Merrill Sr. snarkishly retorts that, in that case, he and his new girlfriend will enjoy their dinner in the privacy of his cabin.
Beth and Toby are above deck, discussing the imminent dumping of the men they picked up during this cruise. They agree that Regina really got into the swing of romance roulette with the ship's plumber, but hope she finds a nice, "literate way" to dump him without crushing his soul too hard. After they scamper off, Frank, who has overheard their conversation from underneath a nearby stairwell, is staring despondently into space when Regina suddenly rushes over. She apologizes for her lateness, but he just brusquely barks, "See you around" ... and when she's all, "Wha-a-a?", he coldly says that sure they had some fun-filled nights, but "enough's enough". He then storms off, leaving a bewildered Regina staring confusedly after him.
Captain Stubing drops by his father's cabin to apologize for his snobbery in the dining room just now, but then back pedals when he asks why in blazes he couldn't have found someone more suitable for a man of his station in life. Merrill Sr. reminds him that since he's a retired sea captain and not the Prince of Wales, he went out and found someone he likes and who fits into his life, and has proposed marriage. Captain Stubing's all, "Say what?!" and says that while he's glad he found a woman he likes, it's fairly idiotic to marry any woman after only knowing her for a couple of days. Merrill Sr. stubbornly says he's marrying P.J. - with or without his blessing - and that he's A-OK with them staying out of each others' lives from now on. When Captain Stubing storms out, P.J., who was eavesdropping on the conversation from behind a big curtain, says that maybe the captain is right about her lowly status as a kitchen worker, and urges him to find someone else...and says this as though Merrill Sr. somehow has endless options for attracting female companionship.
The animal control expert is about to shoot the wayward German Shepherd with his tranquilizer gun when Don shouts, "Don't shoot!" and urges him and the crew inside his cabin. They're all, "Awwww!" at the sight of the no longer fearsome pooch with her newly delivered puppies, and Don says he's proudly named them after each Love Boat crew member.
Beth and Toby storm into Frank's cabin to admonish him for breaking Regina's heart, and he explains that he simply beat her to the punch, then sourly asks if that isn't how they play their cruel romance roulette game. After they exchange sheepish glances, Toby assures him that Regina really really likes him - just as Regina bursts into the room, looking visibly annoyed that her gal pals have taken it upon themselves to chastise Frank on her behalf. She kicks them out of the room, apologizes to Frank for their behavior, and says she just stopped in to say goodbye. Frank grumbles about being of the butt of the romance roulette joke, and she's shocked that he knows all about that and assures him that whatever transpired between them wasn't a game. She adds that she doesn't want to lose him - but can't seem to put her feelings into words, and he chuckles about how cute it is that an English professor is speechless, then blurts out, "I love you." Regina professes her love in return, and the two agree that truth is far more awesome than playing silly mind games with the opposite gender.
Captain Stubing asks Julie if she happens to know where his dad is, and she sourly tells him that P.J. dumped him, and that they're both miserable as a result. Captain Stubing looks troubled by that development, then asks her to please ensure that his dad is invited to dine at his table this evening.
During dinner, a dejected looking Merrill Sr. is dining at the captain's table when P.J. makes an unexpected appearance in a pretty pink ensemble, and is saluted by Captain Stubing for her many years of service as a kitchen grunt. She happily tells him that she'd be delighted to become his stepmother...and Merrill Sr. perks up at that remark, and beams happily as Captain Stubing toasts their impending nuptials and wishes them many happy years together.
Doc tells Toby he heard about the whole code word screwdriver dating game and assumes he's getting kicked to the curb now...and Toby's like, "Uh, d'yuh" and thanks him for being such a good sport about it. Beth, meanwhile, is wanking Morton about his awesomeness...and, for some odd reason, it doesn't look as though she's ready to dump Little Sexy anytime soon.
Frank tells Regina he found her missing ring...and when she's all, "Wha-a-a-a?", he presents her with an engagement ring. She reacts by happily kissing him, and I'll take that as a yes to his ridiculous proposal of marriage, given that he's known her for less than a week.
Merrill Sr. and P.J. bid adieu to the crew and promise Captain Stubing that they'll keep in touch. Merrill Sr. says that he and his new bride are going to be living in San Pedro, which means if the Pacific Princess ever has troubling docking, he can be reached on the radio. Captain Stubing looks alarmed for a moment, then asks him if he knows what frequency they work on...and when Merrill Sr. stares blankly into space and says he has no idea, Captain Stubing happily says, "Let's keep it that way."
Julie apologizes profusely to Don Flanders for being trapped inside his cabin for most of the cruise and gives him a free ticket for a second cruise. Don generously says it wasn't all bad: he got a lot of sleep, and lost thirteen pounds. He then summons his new pet, the now-friendly German Shepherd, who trots behind him carrying a basket in her mouth that contains her newborn pups...and as the camera pans in on that display of intense cuteness, the crew chuckles joyously.
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"The Understudy / Married Singles / Lost & Found"
Original airdate: 11/19/1977
Episode summary: Julie is tasked with showing the ropes to a trainee, who quickly conspires to replace her as cruise director. A couple in mourning over the death of their son shows kindness to a child travelling solo. A husband and wife attempting to take separate vacations decide they really want to be monogamous after all.
Recap: Julie tells Isaac, Gopher, and Doc that she's been tasked with breaking in a cruise director trainee and asks them to please do their best to refrain from acting like horny assclowns in front of her. A few seconds later, the trainee - a predictably attractive young woman named Connie Evans - wanders over and introduces herself...but before Isaac, Gopher, and Doc can slobber over her for very long, Captain Stubing saunters over to introduce himself to the fresh meat. Connie gushes about how grateful she is for this opportunity and calls Julie the best cruise director currently afloat...and a visibly smitten Captain Stubing nods approvingly at her enthusiasm. As he heads off, Connie covertly stares longingly after him.
A married couple travelling separately - Maisie Nolan and Durwood Moss - get into a scrap about who was in line first to check in Gopher...and, by scripted coincidence, they're assigned to cabins that end up being next door to each other. Womp womp!
Julie shows Connie the ropes as the two fawn over a couple (Richard and Sharon Baker) who hail from Julie's hometown. Connie remarks that this town sounds like a great place to raise kids and asks if they have any, and Sharon contorts her face into a look of anguish, then flees. Richard sadly explains that they used to have an eight year old, then leaves it at that and rushes off after his wife...and then Julie rushes off after the both of them to offer as much saccharine-fuelled comfort as she can muster. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing wanders over and tells Connie she must be a very good student if Julie left her to fend for herself, and Connie fibs about how Julie blurted out something hurtful to a passenger and ran off after them to try to make amends. Captain Stubing looks surprised and says it's very unlike Julie to be anything other than cartoonishly perky 24/7, and Connie just shrugs and says that even the best cruise directors slip up from time to time.
Doc asks Gopher for Connie's cabin number in the event that she has some kind of attack in the middle of the night, but Gopher refuses to disclose that information and says he has just one last passenger to check in: Theodore Dennison, Jr. A little voice identifies himself as Theodore, explains that his parents won't be accompanying him, and that he saved up enough money for the cruise from his paper route. Doc and Gopher look skeptical and ask for his phone number so that they can verify this with his parents - but when the Captain toots a warning that the ship is about to set sail, they decide it's probably not a good idea to leave a little kid stranded by himself on the loading dock and escort him to his cabin.
Durwood drops by Maisie's cabin to loudly ask if she packed his shorts, and she pulls him inside, tells him to shut it about his shorts, and reminds him that the marriage counsellor had recommended they take separate vacations...which I'm guessing didn't mean booking the same cruise and bunking in cabins situated next door to each other. She laments how romantic he used to be...and when he responds by canoodling her, she shoves him away and snarls that he can't make up for it now. She stares dreamily into space and says she wants a man to tell her she's wonderful, pretty, and desirable...and since it's clear that he can't seem to bring himself to wank her about her awesomeness on at least a semi-regular basis, she's going to find someone who can. Durwood reacts by retorting, "Two can play that game!" and storms out.
Over in the dining room, Gopher and Doc have invited Theodore to dine at their table. Across the room, Sharon apologizes to Richard for her meltdown earlier...and he assures her it's not a problem, and then each agree that the other is the perfectest spouse in the entire world.
Maisy arrives in the dining room and perks up when she sees that she's been assigned to table #9 - where a good looking man (named Jack) is seated. As Maisie smittenly greets him, Durwood joins the table, along with a giggly blonde sexpot named Barbie [who no doubt could have any man she wants, but is somehow content to spend most of the cruise hanging with a middle-aged dullard like Durwood Moss].
Theodore is having a delightful time with Doc and Gopher, loudly chortling at their jokes - but the sound of his laughter causes Sharon to once again contort her face into an expression of anguish. She tells Richard she suddenly has a migraine, so he gently points out that she can't run away everytime she hears a child laugh...and she's like, "Can too" and hastily gets up from the table and flees to their cabin.
Gopher tells Captain Stubing that, despite a half-hearted effort, he's been unable to reach Theodore's parents. A few seconds later, Connie makes her grand entrance in the dining room decked out in a low-cut, thigh-baring glittery orange gown...and the crew is so astounded by her scantily clad form that Gopher falls face first in a cake, while Julie somehow collapses onto the floor. Captain Stubing storms over and imperiously asks Connie whassup with her slutty attire, so she tells him that Julie advised her to wear it and said it would make a good impression. She shrugs and says she assumes that Julie meant well, then heads off to change into something less revealing...and as Captain Stubing stares after her with perplexed irritation, Isaac - who has overheard the entire exchange - scrunches his face concernedly.
Maise is having a fabulous time dancing with Jack, who's trying to interest her in an insurance policy she doesn't need. Durwood watches them from the table as Barbie natters at him about how much he reminds her of her father.
Sharon is staring sadly at a photo of her late son when Richard returns to the cabin. He urges her to let Terry rest in peace and not grieve all day long every day, but she tearfully retorts that she can't seem to help herself. Richard reminds her that Terry had been born with a terminal condition his doctors didn't think was possible to survive past the age of two, then says she should be grateful that they had him for eight glorious years. Sharon angrily says she can't feel any amount of gratitude about losing her son, then composes herself and begins the task of unpacking their bags. Richard tells her he loves her, and she pleads, "Don't stop!" as the two hug and kiss.
Captain Stubing and Gopher inform Theodore that they managed to reach his parents, who are worried sick about him running off. Theodore explains that he's splittin' the way they're talking about splittin' from each other and sadly says he doesn't feel as though he has a home anymore. Captain Stubing's like, "That's hogwash, son" and informs him that his parents will be meeting the ship in Puerto Vallarta in a couple of days to take him home...and when Theodore defiantly says he hopes that by that time he finds himself a different home, Captain Stubing scrunches his face in a perplexed 'say wuh?' type expression.
Isaac tells Julie that he overheard Connie telling Captain Stubing that it was she (Julie) who advised her (Connie) to wear the risqué orange dress to dinner. Julie breezily says she can't possibly believe that a nice girl like Connie would tell such a brazen lie, then stupidly sticks her head back in the sand.
Jack escorts Maisie back to her cabin and continues to natter at her about getting homeowner's insurance...and when Maisie notices that Durwood is eavesdropping on the conversation, she tries to make it look as though they're talking about the prospect of a vacation fling. When she bids goodnight to Jack, who really needs to fuckin' chillax about peddling insurance to fellow passengers, Maisie calls out Durwood for eavesdropping and pretends as though she had to fight to keep an amorous Jack out of her bed. Durwood chuckles and says it sounded more like he was trying to sell her on an insurance policy in the middle of the night, then predicts that nothing naughty is going to happen between her and Jack. Maisie sassily retorts by insisting that, by this time tomorrow, she and Jack will be getting it on.
Theodore bangs on Richard's/Sharon's cabin, explains to the two that he had a nightmare, and asks if it's OK for him to hang out with them until he feels better. He adds that he's on this cruise alone 'cause he saved up for a ticket and is more than capable of taking care of himself...except, of course, when it comes to nightmares. Richard says it's OK with with him, then glances over at Sharon. As she contemplates befriending this friendly child stranger, Theodore lays it on thick about how his mom used to let him get into bed with her to give him added comfort, and Sharon looks slightly hesitant to open her heart to a child again, but then tells him it's fine.
Gopher brags to Julie and Doc that he and Connie are seeing each other, and Doc's like, "That's weird. I thought she and I were seeing each other!" Isaac warns Julie that the two-timer is after her job to the point that she's willing to debase herself by dating dumbbells like Gopher and Doc. Doc mulls that over and now recalls that Connie had asked him if Julie has a long-term contract with the Pacific Princess, and Julie once again chooses to believe the best of Connie and chides her pals for their suspicious nature.
Maisie is lounging poolside when Durwood comes over to tell her that he and Barbie have flirty plans for later. So there.
Theodore runs into Sharon and Richard on one of the decks, earnestly tells them he's affectionate, hardworking, and would make a fantastic sibling for their son (whose photo he noticed in their cabin). Sharon sadly informs him that their son died, and Theodore kind of perks up at that and points out that since they're all somewhat orphan-like, he'd be a perfect addition to their family. Sharon and Richard stare back at him looking deeply touched.
While getting dressed for dinner, Sharon waxes on to Richard about what a great kid Theodore is...and when Richard's like, "Well, yeah, but apparently he has parents who will soon be picking him up in Puerta Vallarta", Sharon refuses to face that reality 'cause she's convinced herself he's an orphan. A few seconds later, Theodore knocks on their cabin door, and the three head off to the dining room.
Julie excitedly tells Isaac, Doc, and Gopher that her latest brilliant idea is to host a Wild West themed party, during which they can torture the passengers into wearing fake mustaches, plaid shirts, and cowboy hats. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing wanders over with Connie in tow and announces that Connie just told him about her brilliant idea to host a Wild West themed party, complete with fake mustaches, plaid shirts, and cowboy hats. As Julie's all, "The fuckity fuck?" and shoots an incredulous glare at Connie but doesn't call her out on so brazenly stealing her idea, Captain Stubing decrees that Connie, with whom he's looking increasingly smitten, shall be given free rein to handle all of the party arrangments.
Richard breaks the news to Sharon and Theodore that no one from Theodore's family showed up to claim him in Puerta Vallarta. As Theodore hangs his head and looks crestfallen, Sharon reminds him he still has them...and Theodore runs over to her for a maternal hug.
Captain Stubing is on the phone with Theodore's mom, who says she somehow got her wires crossed and didn't make it to Puerta Vallarta on time, but will for sure be in Mazatlan to pick up her runaway son. Captain Stubing assures her he's doing fine, and that he's been hanging with a nice young couple.
As Sharon towels off Theodore after a swim, he asks if he can call her mom...and she looks startled by the request, then decides 'what could possibly be weird about that?' and gives him the green light.
Julie, who's decked out as a sassy Wild West salon gal, drops by Connie's cabin to check in with her about the party arrangements and remind her that she'll be around all evening if she needs any help. When Connie bitchily remarks on how surprising it is that she's willing to help her out when she's so obviously after her job, Julie says she has the responsibility to the passengers and Captain Stubing to not just stand back and watch the party devolve into a disaster. Connie chortles and snarks, "I doubt you'll have that burden on your shoulders for much longer", smugly declares how close she and the captain are becoming, and shows her the bouquet of flowers he had delivered to her cabin...which strikes me as creepishly weird. A few seconds later, she gets a call from Gopher pretending to be Captain Stubing - a gag rife with some pretty wretched lip syncing and voice dubbing - requesting that tonight she wear the slutty orange dress [she had on the other night and got into big trouble for], and give some "special attention" to a passenger named Mr. Humbertson. Connie looks intrigued by the prospect of being pimped out by the ship's über boss as an appalled Julie storms out.
Wild West party! Julie grumbles at the crew about what a cunty turncoat Connie has proven herself to be - just as Connie arrives wearing the risqué dress. As Julie stares at her in open incredulity, a chuckling Gopher tells her he impersonated Captain Stubing during a phone call and instructed her to wear that particular dress and flirt with a married male passenger.
Connie sashays over to where Captain Stubing is chatting with Mr. Humbertson and flirtily chats up the guest, telling him he's every bit as cute as Merrill said he was. As a furious Captain Stubing glares at her, an oblivious Connie invites Mr. Humbertson to the upper deck for a private - mmm hmm - stroll. He informs her he's married - just as his wife arrives, and the two saunter off to their table. A visibly irked Captain Stubing hauls Connie out of the dining room and up to his office...and Julie watches the drama unfold while scrunching her face concernedly.
Captain Stubing berates Connie for wearing the slutty gown when she was expressly told not to, and also for throwing herself at a married passenger like a dime store floozy. He snaps, "You're fired!" - just as Julie enters his office, tattles about how Connie was "sandbagged", and says that, during a phone call, an unnamed crew member imitated his voice and set Connie up so that she'd publicly embarrass herself. She explains that the crew pulled this stunt as a means of protecting her, given that Connie has been openly gunning for her job. Captain Stubing screeches about how utterly ridiculous that is, given that the twit is nowhere near qualified to do her job. After he haughtily storms out, a puzzled Connie tells Julie she can't grasp why she'd stick up for her after what she did, so Julie explains that she clearly has potential, and that she'd realize her full potential if she stops scheming and get down to the hard work of cruise directing. Connie sheepishly apologizes, says she has much to learn, and admits that she deserved being punked by the crew. As Julie concurs with that sentiment, Mr. Humbertson enters the room and tells Connie he ditched his wife for the evening and is now game for that above deck stroll now, which...ew.
Durwood brings Barbie back to his cabin, but mistakes Maisie's cabin for his and is less than thrilled to see that Maisie is entertaining Jack in her cabin. He then brings Barbie to his cabin - but is much too distracted by what's going on next door to respond to Barbie's fondling attempts to get him into the sack. Maisie, similarly, can't get into her fling with Jack and tells him she can't engage in any sexcapades while her husband is in the cabin next door. Jack's all, "Your husband?", then says he wants no part of this kinky scene before beating a hasty retreat.
The next morning, Durwood and Maisie exit their cabins at exactly the same time...and after each pretends to have greatly enjoyed last night's sex romp, they chuckle and admit that each was too jealous to bear the thought of each other getting it on with anyone outside the marriage. Durwood tells Maisie he loves her very much, and is going to make a point of telling her that every few seconds. He then saucily says he'd like to give her the kind of romance she came aboard this boat for...and the two race into her cabin for some martial hanky panky.
Richard urges Sharon to face the truth about Theodore having parents who can care for him...and a few seconds later, Julie drops by with Mr. and Mrs. Dennison. They thank Sharon and Richard for taking Theodore under their wing - but Theodore cries, "She's not my mother!" and accuses his parents of not wanting him. Mr. Dennison tells his son he knows he ran away 'cause he and the missus were fighting non-stop...then says their marital problems have been magically resolved, that a divorce is off the table, and that they both want him to come home asap. Theodore says it's too late 'cause he went and found replacement parents...and Sharon's like, "Nope" and tells him she knows the deep pain that comes with losing a child, and that if he left home permanently, she knows for a fact that his parents would never get over the loss. Theodore starts weeping and runs over to hug his actual mother...and when a concerned looking Richard asks Sharon how she's doing, she assures him that she's going to be A-OK.
Connie thanks Julie for all of the valuable life lessons she's gained this episode, and that her experience was less an education about how to be a cruise director than it was a refresher course in how to be a decent human being. After the two hug, Julie wishes her good luck and Godspeed. A lovey-dovey Maisie and Durwood bid adieu to Gopher and Doc and depart the ship...followed by Jack, who has now hooked up with Barbie and is trying to convince Captain Stubing to buy insurance, 'cause for some inexplicable reason he can't seem to give it a rest with that. Julie bids a final farewell to Sharon and Richard, who excitedly tell her put their heads together and have made the life decision to adopt a child...and, unlike with Theodore, they're going to focus their time and energy on a child who's actually available on the adoption market.
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"Julie's Old Flame / The Jinx / The Identical Problem"
Original airdate: 11/10/1977
Episode summary: Julie reconnects with an old flame who used to cheat with her on his wife. Doc unwittingly romances twins who are pretending to be the same person. Gopher is convinced that a husband and wife who survived the Titanic are jinxed.
Recap: Doc is hanging with Julie when he spots a bookish brunette woman board the ship and giddily natters about how hot she is. The woman ambles over and checks in with Julie as Ellen Edwards and makes it clear to the horned-up Doc that she has zero interest in indulging in any kind of cruise-ship fling with him.
An elderly couple named Horace and Henrietta McDonald check in with Gopher and tell him they were married on the Titanic, and Gopher's all, "Wow, kewl!" before tripping over a pile of luggage while fetching a brochure for Horace.
Doc ogles who he assumes is Ellen Edwards and smarmily tells her he'd like to escort her to her cabin, and she perks up at the offer and says she'd be delighted.
Captain Stubing ambles over to the crew to wish them all a good morning - just as Julie spots a handsome male passenger about to board, cries, "Ack!", and flees.
Ellen Edwards turns out to be the twin sister of Helen Edwards - what kind of idiot parents name their twins Ellen and Helen? - and it looks as if the two are defrauding The Pacific Princess by travelling on one ticket, aka pretending to be the same person. Helen reminds Ellen to take off her eye glasses whenever she leaves the cabin, and the two arrange to use an ill-thought-out synchronized watch alarm system to ensure that each twin has equal time to publicly enjoy the cruise.
Julie is glancing over the passenger list and happens to come across the name Buddy Stanfield. She then opens her wallet, pulls out a photo of the man she saw earlier, and tosses it into the garbage.
Gopher's arm injury from falling atop the luggage is so serious that he's now wearing a sling. He tells Isaac he blames the McDonalds who married aboard the Titanic 'cause he believes that people who survive shipwrecks are automatically jinxed. Isaac breezily says to not blame his clumsiness on the McDonalds...then heads across the deck and accidentally tumbles into the pool on his way to deliver drinks to the couple. Womp womp!
Julie drops by Doc's office to dish about her past connection to Buddy Stanfield, but abruptly zips it when she sees that Captain Stubing is in the room. When the Captain insists she spill the beans on whatever's bothering her so that he can dispense any life advice she might need, she decides 'ah what the hell?' and tells the two she met Buddy in Paris three years ago, hooked up with him and had the best three-week-long doinkfest of her life...then followed him to Los Angeles, where she only saw him two nights a week 'cause - [no] surprise - he turned out to be a married man. She says he currently appears to be travelling alone and wants advice on what she should do - but then supplies answers to her own questions. She declares that she plans to handle the matter in "a grown up, mature fashion" and thanks the Captain for his mute helpfulness.
Isaac comes to Doc's office to get treated for a sore neck from his tumble in the pool, and Gopher chuckles and attributes his injury to the jinxed Titanic couple. A few seconds later, Horace and Henrietta enter the exam room to see if Isaac is OK, and Doc assures them he's fine and sends them on their way. Once they're out of earshot, Doc chides Gopher for referring to the sweet couple as a jinx, then gets struck on the head by the door when Horace re-enters the exam room for no real reason.
Julie runs into Buddy Stanfield while on the elevator...and when Captain Stubing also enters and makes small talk with her, she alters her voice to sound gravelly so that Buddy won't recognize it. After Captain Stubing exits the elevator, Buddy says he'd know that perfume anywhere, then shoots her a sultry gaze while purring, "Hi baaaaaby."
Helen Edwards finds herself assigned to a dinner table with a couple who's smoochily dry humping each other - just as Doc, who's now wearing a bandage on his forehead, wanders over and invites himself to join her. Helen orders rare roast beef a couple of seconds before her watch alarm goes off, and explains to Doc that she has to take an allergy pill right now. She rushes back to the cabin to pass the baton to Ellen, but warns her to keep away from Doc by declaring, "He's mine."
Ellen enters the dining room and seats herself beside Doc...then turns her nose up at the rare roast beef that Helen just ordered, prompting Doc to scrunch his face confusedly.
Julie is hanging with Buddy in the lounge...and when she asks him how his wife Barbara is doing, he tells her that Barbara isn't his wife anymore. As Julie visibly perks up at that tidbit, Buddy schmaltzily suggests that they get together for dinner tomorrow night.
Gopher tells Doc and Isaac that the McDonalds want a bunch of postcards delivered to their cabin - and the three agree they want nothing to do with the task 'cause they're wary of being jinxed again. Gopher hands the postcards to a random crewman named Vince and gives him the cabin number...and, as anyone could predict, Vince stumbles on his way up the staircase and drops the postcards, which scatter everywhere.
Doc just happens to run into Helen as she's sunning herself on a lounger. She asks him if he wouldn't mind rubbing sunscreen on her legs and back, and he's like, "Of course not" before rushing over to the bar to get them a couple of drinks...but by the time he returns, bespectacled Ellen has taken her sister's place on the lounger and slaps Doc for his impertinence when he starts rubbing lotion on her back. These twins should really consider working out smoother transitions, given that they're trying to pass themselves off as the same person.
Gopher, Isaac, Doc, and Julie are hanging at a bar together when Horace McDonald wanders over with Captain Stubing in tow to announce that he and his wife would like to renew their marital vows. Captain Stubing says he'd be honored to officiate and that his crew will be thrilled to attend the ceremony - but once he and the McDonalds are out of earshot, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc grumble about having been injured at the hands of the jinxed couple. Julie's like, "Funny. Nothing like that has happened to me" - just as Isaac uncorks a wine bottle and the cork flies out and hits Julie in the eye.
That evening in the lounge, Julie dances with Buddy as Gopher and Isaac glare over at Buddy from the bar and agree that there's something about the guy they don't like. Captain Stubing cuts in to ask Julie why she's spending so much of her time with Buddy, and orders her to spread herself among the rest of the passengers more.
Helen invites Doc to join her for a drink, and he stares back at her quizzically, apologizes for trying to rub suntan lotion on her back earlier, then complains about all the mixed messages "she's" been giving. She gives him a long smooch and assures him he's making this cruise very enjoyable for her...but when her alarm watch goes off a few seconds later, she abruptly cancels their drink plans and suggests they get together tomorrow. After she rushes off, Doc murmurs, "That was weird" ... which, indeed it was, Doc. Indeed it was.
Julie hangs with Buddy by the pool and asks him if they're spending so much time together for old time's sake, but he schmaltizily assures her it's for new time's sake and says if he can pull off some big deal in Puerto Vallarta, it could change their lives. He adds that while he doesn't want to rush into anything, there is something specific he wants to ask her tomorrow night. After he smooches her and ambles off, Isaac and Gopher wander over to stare disapprovingly at Julie. She insists that things with Buddy are different than they were three years ago and assumes he's going to pop the question to her tomorrow night. As she happily scampers off, Isaac tells Gopher that no way in hell is this philandering scumbag proposing to their starry-eyed gal pal.
Doc and Helen are in mid-smooch as Ellen anxiously waits for them to finish so that she can begin enjoying her allotted cruise time. When Helen spots her impatient sister motioning at her to hurry up, she abruptly announces to Doc that she has to go and races off...and a few seconds later, Ellen decides it'd be a good idea to stride past Doc after he and Helen were just smooching and completely ignore him. Doc's like, "Hey! Where are you going?" and pulls her towards him and moans about how crazy about her he is...and after struggling against his grab-handsyness for a few seconds, Ellen decides she enjoys being forcibly smooched and gets totes into it.
Ellen tells Helen she's fallen for Doc...and the twins argue about who has a stronger claim on him until they decide it's probably best to avoid conflict altogether and give him up. Helen points out that Doc is going to need an explanation [though, not really] and promises to let him down easy tomorrow.
Isaac, Gopher, Doc, and Julie sing at the McDonald's wedding ceremony prior to Captain Stubing officiating the marriage do-over. The two exchange vows - just as Ellen's?/Helen's? phone alarm goes off and prompts her to rush out of the room. After Captain Stubing re-declares the old couple husband and wife, they all head into the hallway to have photos taken...and when Isaac, Gopher, Doc, and Julie attempt to move the layer cake and other refreshments to where the reception is to be held, the trellis topples over and causes Isaac to dive face-first into the wedding cake. Womp womp!
Helen drops by Doc's office to give him the heave-ho - but when he continually kisses her, she decides 'why bother going through the trouble of dumping the guy when the ship is docking tomorrow?'
Julie and Buddy are enjoying an evening stroll along the deck when he suddenly presses her up against a wall and breathily says, "I want you for my very own", suggests he get them a penthouse in Los Angeles, and promises that the arrangement won't be as fraught with [quite as much] deception as it was three years ago. Julie squeals, "I love you!" - but Buddy urges her to think carefully about his non-proposal and says she can give him her answer tomorrow.
Helen fibs to Ellen and says she spoke to Doc, who "got the message" ... and Ellen scrunches her face skeptically and remarks that it took her an awfully long time to return to the cabin. In the next scene, Ellen sneaks over to Doc's office to tell him she's changed her mind about wanting to break up with him...and when he's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" she leans in for an intense smooch.
Julie calls Buddy and comes right out and asks him if he's going to propose marriage...and after an awkward silence, he's like, "Uh, no, 'cause I don't want to make the same mistake again." A crestfallen Julie replies that she doesn't want to do that either, then hangs up and sobs into her pillow.
As the ship docks, Gopher asks Julie if Buddy popped the question, and she fibs and says he did, but that she hasn't yet given him her answer. After she dashes off, a pretty blond woman appears and asks Gopher and Isaac if they know who Buddy Stanfield is...and when they warily say they do, she introduces herself as Buddy's wife of two months, and giddily explains that she nabbed him about five minutes after his divorce from Barbara on account of what a great catch he is. After she scampers aboard the ship to track down her shitty husband, Julie reappears to clarify to Gopher and Isaac that Buddy popped the question, but that it wasn't the right question...and explains that since he wasn't able/willing to offer a relationship with any commitment, she declined and feels sooooo good about her decision. Gopher and Isaac applaud her inner strength and wisely keep mum about meeting Buddy's new wife just now.
Doc bids Ellen adieu, and she kisses him and gives him her work number. About a minute later, Helen appears, kisses Doc, and also gives him her work number...and Doc somehow translates that to mean she's one woman who holds down two jobs. The dumbfuck happily clutches the two pieces of paper - until he leans over the railing and accidentally drops them in the water. Haha!
Captain Stubing announces to the crew that he's off to spend the weekend on his rich friend's yacht this weekend. He compliments their professionalism during the cruise (Doc's borderline aggressive romancing of twin passengers notwithstanding), and chides Gopher for spreading the myth that the McDonalds were jinxed. As he heads off, Horace and Henrietta appear and tell the crew they really really want to say goodbye to Captain Stubing. The crew points at him and sees that he's about to board a small boat that will transport him to the yacht...and as Horace hollers, "Yoo hoo! Captain Stubing!", the Captain whirls around and accidentally plunges into the water as the boat he was in the process of boarding pulls away...and the crew reacts by giggling and waving at him. And keep their fingers crossed that someone will eventually fish him out of the ocean.
"Joker is Mild / First Time Out / Take My Granddaughter, Please"
Original airdate: 10/29/1977
Episode summary: A college-age virgin scours the ship for female companionship. A grandmother sets up her granddaughter with Doc. Julie re-connects with an old comedian friend of her father's who's desperate to perform in her nightly entertainment show.
Recap: Four fraternity brothers board the Pacific Princess, check in with Julie, and ask her if she thinks there'll be enough tail on board so that their virgin friend Danny can get his cherry popped...and Julie assures them that, yep, burying his weasel shouldn't be a problem. Elsewhere, Shirlee Warner boards the ship while bickering with her grandmother about how this cruise is less about her (Shirlee) finding a husband and more about it being a birthday present for the old lady. Julie, meanwhile, is giving a tour of the ship to family friend and washed up comedian Barry Keys when they run into a talent agent named Freddy Stevens. Barry self-importantly bellows at Freddy to not bother him with talk about getting signed 'cause he's strictly here to enjoy his vacation, and Freddy gives him a 'the fuck?' look and says he'd be more than happy to ignore his existence.
Grandma Warner motions Gopher over and tells him she'd like him to arrange for her and her granddaughter to be seated at the singles table for every meal, and Shirlee rolls her eyes in exasperation.
Julie gives Barry the number of his cabin, detailed directions on how to get there, then ushers him over to the elevator, where he babbles nonsensically at the couple who had the misfortune of being inside the elevator at that particular moment.
After the ship sets sail, Julie delivers a bottle of champagne to Barry in his tiny cabin and fibs, "Compliments of the Captain!" Barry happily reminisces about how her father used to bring her backstage before his performances, and Julie credits Barry for being the reason her father remained in showbiz. Barry says she's probably itching to ask him to perform his comedy schtick for the other passengers even though he's here to relax, but then "relents" and says he's willing to throw her a bone by agreeing to a fifteen minute guest spot. Julie's all, "Ack!" and gently says that that isn't, in any way, necessary - but Barry replies that he doesn't want to disappoint the captain, who clearly wants him to perform, as is evidenced by the complimentary bottle of champagne he just sent over.
Danny approaches a woman shooting photographs and tries to flirt with her by standing in front of her camera and inviting her to photograph him. She responds by snarking that he's blocking her light and to get the hell out of her frame. LOL.
Shirlee is reading by the pool when a man emerges from the water, bumps into her, and gets her all wet. She's annoyed until she realizes that the man is Dave King, an old friend of hers from high school. The two quickly catch up and learn that they're both single and available - just as Grandma strolls over to see whassup. Shirlee introduces Dave and reminds her that they briefly dated in high school...and Grandma looks encouraged by the presence of Dave - until she learns that he's an elementary school teacher. She pulls Shirlee aside, complains that teachers make shit money, and urges her to show some cleavage as she mixes and mingles with some higher earning prospects.
Danny's fraternity pals razz him about finding a woman to bone, 'cause apparently they've placed bets on his ability/inability to get his cherry popped.
At dinner, Barry is loudly cracking jokes while the crew and Captain Stubing look on in dismay. Julie tells Doc she has no idea how to break it to Barry that his comedy is too terrible for even a Love Boat variety show - just as Barry butters his hand instead of a slice of bread and cackles at the hilarity of not wanting to eat his buttered hand.
Danny stumbles upon a woman who's laying face-down as she sunbathes topless. He gushes about how attractive she is and propositions her, but then shuffles off dejectedly after she non-responsively grunts in his general direction.
Julie finds Barry at the bar, cackling to Isaac about his comedic geniuses. She pulls Barry aside and stammers about she may not be able juggle the various performers in order to squeeze him into her show, and he breezily snorts, "Details, ah.." and says he's off to rehearse. A dismayed Julie runs into Captain Stubing, who tells her that, yeah, Barry is definitely not running on all cylinders...and that she's going to have to decide whether she wants to function like a professional cruise director or be too much of a cowardly baby to level with Barry about his shittastic performance ability.
Danny approaches a woman named Barbara on the deck and asks her if she lives around here...and she looks implausibly charmed by his inept flirting before he suddenly decides that the effort is a no go and shuffles off dejectedly.
Doc gives Grandma some pills to help with her insomnia, and she explains that she's having problems sleeping 'cause she's so wired about her family problems. She then notices that Doc isn't wearing a wedding ring, asks him if he'd be up to meeting a gorgeous, sexy woman, and talks up Shirlee. As he mumbles about his complete lack of interest in doing that, Grandma asks him to come by the dining room at 7pm tonight, then rushes off to inform Shirlee about her newly scheduled quasi-blind date.
Barry is rehearsing in the lounge when Julie enters the room. As she summons the courage to break the news that he can't be in her show, Barry scrunches his face in faux pain and says he needs to sit down for a minute, catch his breath, and wistfully reflect on how desperately he needs to hear the sound of applause in order for him to feel good about himself. Julie nods sympathetically as he decrees, "But the show must go on!" and she's like 'ah, fuck it' and agrees to indulge him.
Danny is working out with a group of ladies in Doc's exercise group...and when he unwittingly flirts with a married woman, he pulls the plug on his hopeless quest to lose his virginity and collapses onto a lounger beside Barbara. She perks up at the sight of him and chats him up about his college major before proposing a generic toast to their success in life. Danny takes a sip of his drink, for some reason doesn't seem to twig onto the probability that she's totally willing to hit the sheets with him, and says it was nice talking to her before shuffling off dejectedly for the umpteenth time. As Barbara stares despondently into space, Isaac comes over, stares at her incredulously for a few seconds, and asks her if she's actually interested in a moron like Danny who's under extreme pressure by his idiot fraternity friends to get laid. Barbara shrugs unconcernedly and says she finds Danny to be bright, sweet, and nice...and figures that once he gets his rocks off, he'll settle into acting like his normal self. She then frowns and remarks on what a bummer it is that he doesn't seem to acknowledge she exists.
Shirlee is annoyed at Grandma for setting her up with Doc, then says she can't make the date 'cause she has plans to meet up with Dave King at 7pm. Grandma threatens to throw herself overboard if she's willing to give up a doctor for a nobody like Dave, and Shirlee half-heartedly pulls her away from the railing.
Julie tells Isaac she's decided to let Barry perform in the show, then explains that he's very sick and that this could be his last shot at stardom. She carries a tea tray over to Barry's cabin, and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?" when she catches him doing upper body exercises. She angrily accuses him of faking chest pains...and he admits that, yep, he's a phony who only booked himself on this cruise 'cause he knew that Freddy Stevens would be on board. He sheepishly acknowledges to Julie that he shamelessly used her, but then insists that she owes him one 'cause of the time he helped her father remain in showbiz. Julie refrains from pointing out that, by that logic, her father would be the one owing him, then stonily says that after he does tonight's show "the slate is clean".
Doc complains to Isaac that he really doesn't want to be set up with Grandma Warner's granddaughter - just as Grandma enters the lounge to drag him over towards where Shirlee and Dave are sitting. Shirlee gives Dave a heads up that she agreed to have a quick drink with Doc...and a few seconds later, Doc ambles over and looks genuinely smitten with Shirlee. He pumps her hand and ignores Dave, who Grandma quickly ushers to the dance floor. As Doc smarmily coos, "Where have you been all my life?", Shirlee grimaces and then glances helplessly over at Dave.
Danny is combing through the female names on the passenger list, which for some reason has been posted in a public space for all to see. Julie ambles over and asks him if he's having any fun on this cruise, and he sullenly retorts that the sole purpose of him coming aboard this ship was to bone a woman, not enjoy himself. Julie explains that sex is only a small part of a relationship, and suggests that perhaps he's failed thus far at getting a woman in the sack is 'cause he's trying waaaaay too hard.
Doc happily tells Grandma that everything she said about Shirlee has turned out to be true...and a few seconds later, the two run into Shirlee and Dave. Dave is abruptly summoned to the purser's desk, and Doc gleefully tells Shirlee he just arranged the summoning that so they could spend some time alone together...and Grandma cackles with delight while Shirlee scrunches her face in annoyance.
That evening, Danny is brooding on the deck when Barbara comes over and says she'd like to get to know him. When he visibly perks up at that, she suggests they take a walk around the ship and end up in his cabin, and he's like, "Sure!" before the two scamper off together. When they reach his cabin, she invites him to sit on the bed next to her, and he nervously puts on some music, recites a poem, and asks her what in blazes she's doing with a socially inept half-wit such as himself. She replies that she likes him and figured they'd get along well, then hangs her head and apologetically acknowledges what a dog she is. Danny's like, "Knock it off!", assures her she's beautiful, and leans in for a smooch.
Show time! Julie introduces Barry as the cruise's "special performer", then shoots him the stink-eye when he gives her a thank you peck on the cheek. His opening jokes fall so flat that he asks the audience if they're English speaking (LOL), and Julie is so dismayed that she flees to the deck. When Gopher follows her to see whassup, she tells him she regrets letting her personal feelings about Barry get in the way of her job as cruise director...and Gopher agrees that it was a UGE mistake to put him in the show, but says she'll probably be laughing about it in five years. Julie returns to the lounge to see how badly Barry is stinking it up, and is pleasantly surprised to see that the audience has warmed up to his schtick...and as he wraps things up, he gets an enthusiastic round of applause. Freddy Stevens races over to Barry and tells him he'd looooove to book him for some small comedy clubs, but Barry dismissively says, "Later" and pulls Julie aside to beg for her forgiveness. She beams and assures him he hasn't lost her respect, then gives him a congratulatory hug.
Shirlee stops by Doc's cabin to tell him she's in love with Dave King and afraid to disappoint her grandmother about falling for a low earning elementary school teacher. Doc mulls that over for a few seconds, then proposes she come by his office with Grandma tomorrow afternoon...and in the meantime he'll figure out a way to convince the old lady that he's really not that great of a catch [since this clearly wasn't immediately apparent to her].
The following afternoon, Shirlee brings Grandma to Doc's office, and the two find him faux boozing while staggering around and slurring his words. As he grabs at Shirlee and pretends to lecherously paw at her, an appalled Grandma calls him "a degenerate" and smacks him with her purse. Shirlee laughingly admits to Grandma that Doc was merely putting on an act for her 'cause she's in love with Dave and didn't have the guts to point out that since she's a grown woman it's none of her damn business who she hooks up with. Grandma suddenly decides she's A-OK with her granddaughter's choice of a mate and suggests they go find Dave to share the good news.
Danny and Barbara are holding hands and kissing goodbye...and a few seconds after she ambles off, Danny's fraternity brothers rush over and cackle about the towel that Danny had hung over the doorknob last night and leap to the assumption that he got lucky. Danny smiles dreamily into space, but says it was all a ruse 'cause he didn't actually have sex, and two of the guys woot about being on the winning side of that bet.
Barry is signing autographs when Freddy Stevens invites him to call in the morning to discuss reigniting his comedy career, and after that Julie escorts Barry to the ship's exit before giving him a warm goodbye hug. Grandma gushes at Dave about how thrilled she is about him possibly becoming her grandson-in-law, then gives Doc a goodbye kiss and offers to introduce him to her niece. Doc perks up at that prospect - just as Shirlee barks at her grandmother to stop her match-making and disembark with her and Dave.
"Help, Murder / Isaac the Groupie / Mr. Popularity"
Original airdate: 10/22/1977
Episode summary: Isaac hooks up with a famous recording artist. An annoying passenger ends up being an international jewel thief. A skittish wife is convinced her husband is trying to kill her aboard the ship.
Recap: Skittish housewife Denise Fredericks tells her husband Bert she's too frightened to board the Pacific Princess, but he assures her it's perfectly safe and urges her to chillax. She tells him she's highly stressed about getting out of her regular routine - but he's just like, "Yeah, whatever. Enjoy the vacation" and ushers her aboard.
Famous singer Roxy Blue exits her limousine amid the protests of her entourage of old white men. They warn her she'll "be dead on TV" if she leaves Bob Hope in the lurch, but she's like, "I don't give a shit, I really a vacation" and rushes aboard the ship. From the deck above, Isaac spots her arrival and excitedly tells Julie and Gopher that a star is in their midst, then adds that he's a HUGE fan of Roxy Blue's music.
Bert gives Julie a friendly hello as he and Denise check in...and Julie gives them their cabin number and sends them on their way. I find it interesting that the check-in process aboard the Pacific Princess never involves the handing over of keys, a receipt, or an ID bracelet of any kind. A suspicious Denise asks Bert how he knew Julie's name, so he points out that she's wearing a name tag...then wanders back over to where Julie's standing and covertly tells her that he's the one who made special birthday plans for his wife. When he ambles back over to his wife, he fibs that he just asked Julie to pass along a message to the captain to steer the ship as safely as possible.
A particularly eager passenger cuts the line to check in with Gopher, says his name is Robert Tanner, and proceeds to spell out both R-O-B-E-R-T and T-A-N-N-E-R. The woman he cut in front of, Myra Grove, tells her husband (Harvey) that if this nut actually starts spelling out Robert she's going to scream...then opens her mouth to make good on her threat - but Harvey muzzles her and quickly whisks her off camera.
After the ship sets sail, Roxy sashays into the lounge, seats herself at the bar, and orders a Kahlúa on the rocks from Isaac. He grins excitedly, admits to being flustered in the presence of music royalty, then asks her to repeat her drink order. She repeats the order and urges him to calm the fuck down, which he responds to by chattering about how he owns every record she ever made, loooooooves her music, and is so excited that he just can't hide it. When she chuckles at his fawn-like devotion, he tells her he'd really really like to see her during the cruise, despite the fact that he's just a lowly bartender...and, as a crew member, probably shouldn't be looking to hit the sheets with the passengers. Roxy mulls that over and invites him to stop by her suite after his shift for one drink - but to keep it to himself 'cause she's trying to keep a low profile and doesn't want anyone to know she's on the ship.
Robert runs into Captain Stubing and natters at him about how the word aloha means both hello and goodbye in Hawaii...and Captain Stubing's all, "Aloha!" and makes a break for it.
Isaac arrives at Roxy's suite clutching a bottle of wine and an ice bucket. She answers the door wearing jeans and a Stevie Wonder loves you t-shirt and invites him in to chit-chat and listen to some music.
Bert enlists Gopher to take candid photographs of his wife so he can surprise her with them at her birthday party - just as Denise appears and then looks alarmed when Gopher starts trailing after her.
The next morning, Roxy stops by the bar and orders a cup of coffee from Isaac...and the two are grinning stupidly at each other when a braless Julie rushes and asks Isaac if he's seen Roxy Blue. As Roxy hides behind an open magazine, Isaac plays dumb and says he hasn't seen her, so Julie says to keep an eye out for her 'cause Captain Stubing wants to invite her to eat at his table during the last evening of the cruise.
Bert gets together with Julie to tell her he had planned to give his wife a bracelet for her birthday - but that idea got pooched when the jeweller didn't have it ready in time. Julie offers to accompany him to the gift shop and help pick something out for Denise, and he says that'd be a good idea if Denise weren't always lurking around. Cue Denise, who enters the lounge and spots the two of them talking. She tiptoes over just in time to overhear Julie joke to Bert, "We'll just have to get rid of her" ... and after Julie ambles off, Denise confronts Bert about what she can only assume is his plot to do away with her and screeches, "I am not giving you a divorce!" before storming out. Bert scrunches his face in puzzlement, no doubt wondering why he married such a paranoid wack-a-doodle and then decided it would be a good idea to vacation with her.
Inside her suite, Denise tells her mirrored reflection that she should have known Bert was up to something sinister, then bitterly laughs about how wives are always the last to know. She sniffles into a tissue - just as Gopher calls and mistakes her sniffly voice for that of Bert. He reports that he hasn't been able to get a clean [camera] shot of his wife and suggests he do it himself so he can blow her [photograph] up [in poster size]. Denise gasps at the threat of being blown up and asks who this is, and Gopher's all, "Oops!" and quickly hangs up. Smooth, Gopher.
Robert enters the lounge, seats himself with Harvey and Myra Grove, and proceeds to natter about how frequently he orders liver and onions for dinner, only to change his dinner order. As the couples' eyes glaze over, Robert says he's noticed that whenever he starts talking to people on the ship, they suddenly complain of queasiness and rush off...and Harvey and Myra perk up at that, complain of a case of sudden fake queasiness of their own, and rush off.
Roxy whines to Isaac about how her successful music career has made her a conglomerate, but that she's also a human being who desperately needed a break. He stares at her incredulously and reminds her that she walked out on Bob Hope, but she just waves her hand dismissively and says the show will get someone else to fill in...then invites him to lean in and give her a smooch.
Bert is getting a lesson on skeet shooting when Denise ambles across the deck one level below with a non-subtle Gopher in pursuit with his camera. Bert spots Denise and yells hello at her, and she freaks out by the sight of the rifle in his hand and flees. She races over to Doc's office to report that her husband is trying to kill her and that it looks like he's enlisted some of the ship's crew to help him. Doc tells her to relax and offers to calm her frenetic nuttiness by prescribing a mild sedative, and she reacts by screeching, "You're in on it tooooo!!" and bolts.
Captain Stubing spots Robert standing by himself and orders Julie and Gopher to make sure that every passenger, Robert included, is having a good time on the cruise. Julie complains that she's running out of passengers who are willing to have dinner with the guy...and when Gopher asks three random people if they'd like to eat with Robert Tanner, they react by staring at him in horror before leaping into the pool.
Myra and Harvey are lounging above deck when Myra comes across an article in the newspaper about an international jewel thief who's currently at large. The scoundrel's name is Roscoe Toller, which - as Myra points out - has the same initials as Robert Tanner. She leaps to the conclusion that Robert must be the thief, and Harvey's all, "Ack!" and suggests they report their theory to the Captain. Myra's all, "Hell no!" and says she's always wanted to be friends with a wanted criminal, which...um, OK.
Isaac tells Gopher he's been hanging with Roxy Blue and that deep down she's just a regular woman, aka the kind of woman a man [such as himself] would want to marry. When Gopher chuckles at that implausible outcome, Isaac earnestly insists that Roxy really is the one for him.
Bert places an order with the chef to bake a chocolate cake for his wife's birthday party, then rushes over to the lounge to excitedly tell Julie he can now cross that to do item off his list. Julie tells him she just found the perfect gift for Denise: a gold choker. She adds that since a choker has to fit snugly, he's going to need to figure out Denise's neck size, then suggests he measure it by slipping his bathrobe sash around it while she's asleep...and naturally Denise appears out of nowhere to overhear that out-of-context part of the conversation. She returns to her suite and locks the door, but is all, "Ack!" when Bert emerges from the bathroom to ask whassup. She tells him she isn't feeling well and would prefer to stay in tonight, and he offers to keep her company so she doesn't spend the entire evening alone.
Presumed jewel thief Robert Tanner is holding court at the bar, fascinating a gaggle of jewel thief groupies by nattering about how he often orders liver and onions for dinner and changes orders...but then other times sticks with his liver and onions order. He admires Myra's necklace...and when he remarks that he doesn't know much about jewelry, everyone chuckles knowingly.
Bert urges Denise to come to bed - but she stares fearfully into space and says she wants to stay up and finish reading her extremely thick book.
As Isaac and Roxy lounge in bed together (!) , Isaac gushes about how their hookup is the greatest thing to have ever happened to him. He coos, "I love you", to which Roxy reacts by getting angry at him for being "sentimental". He insists that he loves her more than he's ever loved anyone in his life - easy, dude - and she gets visibly annoyed and tells him he just blew it. She snarkishly says she's going to take Captain Stubing up on his offer to dine at his table tomorrow night, then snaps at him to shut off the light, shut up about professing his love for her, and do his best to enjoy what's left of their time together. Ouch.
Eventually, Denise falls asleep while reading, and Bert takes the opportunity to slip his bathrobe sash around her neck to get an accurate measurement for the gold choker. Denise wakes up in mid-measuring, assumes he's trying to kill her, and flees the cabin screaming bloody murder.
Captain Stubing has assembled his crew in the dining room and is listening to a freaked out Denise describe how convinced she is that Bert and part of the ship's crew are in on a conspiracy to kill her...and when everyone starts talking at each other at once, Captain Stubing orders them to shut it and calmly tell him what in blazes is going on. Bert explains that he's been planning a birthday party for Denise with as many misunderstandings about his intent as possible:
A stunned Denise is all, "Wha-a-a-a? You're not trying to murder me?" and giggles with relief - just as the chef emerges with the giant birthday cake Bert ordered. Bert and the crew sing Happy Birthday as Denise gazes at it happily.
Robert Tanner arrives in the dining room and tells a large table of passengers that the police found the international jewel thief aboard another ship. The passengers groan in disappointment at him not being the thief and beat a hasty retreat.
Captain Stubing excitedly announces to the passengers that Miss Roxy Blue is on board - just as she makes a grand entrance on Doc's arm. Captain Stubing motions at Isaac to bring over some champagne...and as he pours glasses for everyone at the captain's table, Roxy makes a snide joke about how she's faithful to every man she finds attractive. She then glares at Isaac and barks, "Roxy is thirsty" and tells him to step it up with the champagne pouring. Captain Stubing, who seems oblivious to her rudeness towards Isaac, asks if she wouldn't mind performing for the passengers, and she agrees and croons Come Rain or Come Shine while staring intensely at Isaac.
When the ship docks, Robert Tanner bids adieu to Gopher, who checks his bag and jokes about him stealing the ship's supply of liver and onions. Robert thanks him for everything and says he's going to recommend the Pacific Princess to all of his [non-existent] friends.
Roxy stops by Isaac's cabin to chide him for the no booty call last night, and he wryly says he was much too tired from serving drinks all night. She invites herself in and says she tried to tell him how things are, e.g. that their little world didn't have anything to do with reality. She then describes herself as a show piece, an object, a star - so Isaac reminds her that she's also a woman...to whom he thought he was getting through. She stares wistfully into space and wanks him by telling him he's too much of a man to be Mr. Roxy Blue...not to mention that she's been married three times previously to men who weren't able to handle her success. She apologizes for the shitty way she treated him and hopes he can forgive her, and he just shrugs and pretends that they merely enjoyed a few laughs. Roxy stares back at him solemnly and says, "It was more than that. A lot more" and gives him one last smooch.
Bert and Denise thank Julie for helping out with the disastrous birthday party celebration. Bert suggests to Denise that they extend their vacation by flying to Las Vegas, but Denise looks panicked and reminds him how stressed she gets about air travel.
Myra races into the lobby and screeches that all of her jewelry has been stolen - just as a crew member appears with her jewelry case and tells her that some guy just returned it to him. Myra opens it and finds it empty, save for a note from Robert Tanner, identifying himself as Roscoe Toller, aka international jewel thief at large. He ends the note by urging Myra to not get robbed by her insurance company. Womp womp!
Isaac watches as Roxy's white man entourage arrives to pick her up. When Gopher ambles over, Isaac glumly tells him that Roxy Blue is a very nice lady and that he highly doubts they'll ever see each other again. He then pretends as though he was the dumper in this scenario and declares that he's saving himself for someone really terrific - just as Roxy stares up at him and gives him one last wistful look before climbing into her limo and disappearing from Isaac's life forever.
"Message for Maureeen / Gotcha / Acapulco Connection"
Original airdate: 10/15/1977
Episode summary: Captain Stubing is charmed by a Mexican guitar playing stowaway named April. A sportswriter and the tennis player he once bashed in his column resolve their differences and fall in love. A prankster finally gets a taste of his own medicine.
Recap: Serial prankster Cyril Wolfe boards the ship with his wife (Anita) and greets Julie by sticking out a fake plastic hand, then does the 'handshake with a joy buzzer' trick on another passenger, Reverend Dickerson, who gets angry and storms off with his wife (Martha). As Cyril sheepishly ambles off-camera, Anita tells Julie that she's been putting up with her idiot husband's constant need to prank everyone he's come across for twenty years and is utterly fed up.
Gopher is wheeling a wheelchair-bound woman, famous tennis player Maureen Mitchell, onto the ship. When they reach the lobby, Captain Stubing greets her and tells her he's been following her tennis career for years, then invites her to dine at his table this evening. After the crew checks her in, she assures Gopher that she's quite capable of wheeling to her cabin without his assistance.
Maureen runs into her ex-boyfriend and sports columnist, John Ballard. When he asks her how her injured back is doing, she snaps, "None of your business" and makes it clear how displeased she is to see him. John chides her for continuing to harbor a grudge 'cause he trash-talked her in his column after she played shittily during her last tournament, and she primly retorts that she only uses his column for wrapping fish. As she wheels off, John bellows after her, "Get well soon...the game needs you!"
When Cyril and Anita return to their cabin after dinner, Anita admonishes him for pranking the Captain with a dribbling glass. When she barks, "Stop it!", Cyril says he can't seem to control his prankish instincts. Anita sighs wearily and opens her makeup kit, then screeches when a stuffed snake bursts out of it.
Gopher wheels Maureen over to Doc's office for a checkup...and when she hands Doc her medical records, he looks them over and squeals that he went to med school with her orthopedist. She tells him she's scheduled for back surgery after the cruise...and a few seconds later, John hobbles in with a sprained knee. Doc tapes it up, then orders him to stay off it for a few days by confining himself to a wheelchair...which seems like a really contrived way to force John to experience first-hand what it's been like for temporarily disabled Maureen to function without the use of her legs, 'cause his sprained knee seems a lot more like a crutches or walking cane type injury.
A poofy-haired Mexican souvenir vendor toting a guitar named April boards the ship, and Gopher informs her that she needs to leave pronto 'cause the ship is about to depart Acapulco. April incoherently begs him for more time to sell souvenirs 'cause apparently she's the sole breadwinner of her family, but Gopher's just like, "That sounds like your problem" and heads upstairs. April sneaks deeper into the ship, finds a housekeeping closet, and climbs into a laundry hamper as she excitedly proclaims, "Am-edika, here I come!"
Gopher and Julie are milling around the lobby when they spot a hundred dollar bill on the floor...which Cyril Wolfe has attached with an invisible string and is hovering over the nearby stair landing, anticipating hilarity to ensue. Captain Stubing wanders over and asks the two what they're doing, and they pretend that they were about to put the money in the 'lost and found'. He snatches the bill away from them - just as Anita rushes over and apologizes for her husband's prank. Captain Stubing responds by snapping the string that's attached to the bill and declaring that he'll allocate the $100 for the Christmas fund. Haha!
Wheelchair-bound John runs into wheelchair-bound Maureen in front of the elevator...and when he has trouble getting into the elevator she tells him it's easier to back in. John thanks her and suggests a time-out from their constant bickering, and she happily agrees.
Julie tells Captain Stubing she's putting together a show to entertain the passengers and suggests he join her list of performers. He haughtily retorts that as Captain he can't command respect if he's seen singing or dancing, then ushers her out of his cabin. In the hallway, the housekeeper arrives...and a moaning sound can be heard from inside her laundry hamper. When April pops out and complains about her queasy stomach, the housekeeper tells the Captain she has no idea how the woman got in there. Captain Stubing wearily mutters, "Just what I need: a stowaway", which April translates literally and woots at the invitation to remain on board for the duration of the cruise. Captain Stubing clarifies that she broke the law and says she must leave the ship at the next stop...prompting April to screech joyously 'cause she assumes the ship is America-bound - until she's told that the next stop is Mazatlan. April begs the captain to keep her on the ship so she can disembark in Los Angeles and break into show business, but he refuses and summons Gopher to escort the transgressor to Doc's office - which, for some reason, he thinks is the best place for her to be spending the night.
Gopher escorts April to Doc's office, where Doc gives her pills for seasickness and tells her to go lie down in her cabin. Gopher says she can't 'cause she's a stowaway and that Captain Stubing wants her to bunk with him until they reach Mazatlan...and Doc perks up at the prospect of spending the night with a sexy Latina and literally shoves Gopher out of his cabin.
That evening, Anita orders dinner in, and complains to Cyril how sick she is of being out in public with him 'cause of his relentless pranking...and as she's admonishing him, he picks apart the flower that's on their dinner tray and puts the petals on his lips in an attempt to get a laugh out of his wife. An unamused Anita threatens to divorce him if he doesn't stop this kind of sophomoric nonsense, then sits in a chair that he rigged to collapse under her weight. She flails about and shrieks, "I want a divorce!" as he does his best to help her to her feet.
Over dinner, Maureen tells John that the operation she's scheduled to undergo has a high success rate, and is therefore confident that it'll fully restore her ability to walk. John gazes at her all dreamy-like and asks, "Whatever happened to us?", and she reminds him that when they were together they were both so laser focused on their careers...and never ended up following through on their plan to take off an entire month to just hang out together. She makes it clear that she's super eager to hit the sheets with him once she's out of her wheelchair...and John perks up at that prospect and raises a toast to true love.
Gopher rails at Isaac for bailing on their act for Julie's show...and then the two cackle about how April is spending the night with Doc. Julie decides she should prolly check in on her new Mexican friend and heads over to Doc's cabin...and finds Doc in his bathrobe and a fully clothed April putting sheets and pillows on the exam table for Doc to sleep on. Julie nods approvingly at the separate sleeping arrangements and looks assured that no unwarranted hanky panky is about to be indulged in.
Hours later, a scantily clad April wakes a bare chested (!) Doc to tell him how skeered she is about leaving the ship tomorrow, and how ashamed she is to return to her family without first hitting it big as a musical artist. Doc assures her she'll be fine in Mazatlan, and urges her to continue following her dream to make it into show business. April seems satisfied enough with that response, gives him a grateful hug, and scampers back to bed.
The next morning, the crew bids April adiós...and she glances around shiftily before rushing towards the exit.
Doc removes John's knee bandage and declares his knee fully healed...and as John is exiting the exam room, Doc gets a call from Maureen's orthopedist. Doc's all, "Wha-at? That's terrible news. The operation is off?" and John looks alarmed at what he's just overheard and reenters the office to discuss Maureen's condition. Doc forbids him to share the privileged information about her permanent paralysis...but when John implores him to let him be the one to break the devastating news to his lady love, Doc's like 'I'm pretty sure that doctor-patient confidentiality is more of a guideline than a ruling principle' and gives him the OK to risk him losing his medical license and spill the beans.
That afternoon, April sneaks back onto the ship with the other returning passengers and heads straight to Doc's office. He reminds her that she was supposed to return to her family - but then promises to not rat her out and invites her to bunk with him again.
John drops by Maureen's cabin - but can't bring himself to tell her the devastating news of her diagnosis and instead suggests they take a trip to the mountains after the cruise, then proposes marriage. Maureen happily accepts and says she can't wait to walk down the aisle with him...and as the two embrace, John stares sadly into space.
Anita pulls off the kick me signs that Cyril taped to the backs of Reverend Dickerson and his wife and apologizes for his relentless pranks. Cyril, who's eavesdropping, decides it'd be funny to toss his hat into the ocean and cry, "Help! Man overboard!", and Reverend Dickerson and his wife panic and try to find someone who can rescue the drowning man - but then abruptly stop and correctly assume that it's yet another of Cyril's pranks. They find Anita and tells her about the hat...and when she assures them that Cyril's fine, Reverend Dickerson suggests turning the tables on Cyril and making him the butt of the joke for a change. Anita grins and says she definitely likes the sound of that.
Gopher, Isaac, and Julie discover April in Doc's cabin...and Julie says she may have a way that they can break the news to Captain Stubing without his head completely exploding.
Cyril finds a suicide note in his cabin from Anita, claiming that she flung herself overboard to join her darling husband in his watery grave. Cyril sinks into a chair and sadly moans, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean it" - just as Anita, Martha, and Reverend Dickerson burst out of the bathroom and yell, "Gotcha!"
That evening in the lounge, Julie welcomes the passengers to Crew Night and introduces Gopher and Isaac, who have faces painted on their torsos, and are wearing giant hats and baggy suits...and the singing duo is a big hit with passengers. After that number, Julie announces "a very special treat", then introduces April...and wanks her boss when she describes the Latina as "Captain Stubing's personal discovery". April, who's decked out in a fitted black glittery gown, plays guitar and sings while sexily gyrating, and Captain Stubing looks impressed, and gets congratulated by various passengers during her standing ovation.
John and Maureen are on the deck, gazing out at the ocean when John excuses himself to get them some brandy. During his absence, Doc rushes over and apologizes to Maureen for the misinformation he assumes that John passed along to her, and explains that a lab flunky at the orthopedist's office mixed up her test results with a paralyzed person's. He says her operation is back on, and assures her that she's going to be A-OK. Maureen digests what Doc just told her, then begins to wheel away...and ends up running straight into John. She tells him she has no desire to be with a man who's marrying her out of pity, then explains that she just spoke to Doc, who told her about her diagnosis...and chides him for not having the guts to tell her the truth. John says he simply couldn't bring himself to tell the lady he loves that she'll never walk again, but insists that he loooooves her and would be lucky to have her in any condition. Maureen looks incredulous and asks, "It really doesn't matter to you?" and he assures her that it absolutely doesn't. Maureen happily informs him that all signs point toward her being back to her usual walking self after the surgery - but that she'll need his love and support during the recovery process. He exclaims, "You've got me!" and leans in for a big smooch.
When the ship docks in Los Angeles, Cyril and Anita greet their young son. The lad offers to take their photo...and by take their photo, he means use a trick camera that squirts out water. Womp womp! As Anita groans wearily, Cyril chuckles and chirps, "That's my boy!"
John and Maureen disembark while nattering about their wedding plans, and inform Julie and Gopher that the entire crew is invited.
Captain Stubing informs April that she's been hired as an entertainer aboard another ship for $300 a week, and she jumps up and down and shrieks joyfully while lunging at him in a series of forcible hugs. He warns her that the cost of this cruise is going to be deducted from her pay check, and she's all, "Wuh?" and rambles incoherently as the crew grins delightedly at the happy ending.
"Ex Plus Y / Graham & Kelly / Goldenagers"
Original airdate: 10/8/1977
Episode summary: Julie becomes smitten with a handsome tour guide. A recently divorced couple enjoy one last roll in the hay before pretending it never happened and going back to their significant others. Two preteens explore the awkwardness of falling in love for the first time.
Recap: As the passengers excitedly board the ship for this week's instalment, Julie and Gopher are going over checkin-ins on the passenger list when Julie happens to glance across the lobby, see something she likes, and murmur, "Gorrrrrgeous." Gopher scrunches his face confusedly and says that there's no passenger by that name, then sees that she's ogling a dreamy looking man who's headed in their direction. He gazes all smitten-like at Julie as he introduces himself as Jim Wright, and Julie purrs, "Mmm...Mr. Right." He explains that he's a tour guide for a Life Begins at 60 group of pain-in-the-ass seniors, then invites Julie to join him for a coffee before the cruise gets fully underway. She eagerly accepts - 'cause why would there be a policy about the ship's crew romantically fraternizing with passengers? - just as the Life Begins at 60 seniors enter the ship loudly singing Row Row Row Your Boat and demand that Jim come along with them while they check out the ship's amenities.
Newlyweds Terry and Ron Larsen are above deck, marvelling at how much sunnier and warmer it is in Los Angeles versus Chicago. Ron asks his wife if she called her ex-husband Barney prior to leaving for the cruise, then says he wants her to resolve their differences so that she doesn't harbor any feelings of deep resentment that might spill over into their marriage...and reminds her that he's an expert in this stuff 'cause he used to be their marriage counsellor, pre-divorce. Terry's like, "Uh, I do harbor feelings of deep resentment for the asshat", then glances around the ship and is all, "Ack!" when, by scripted coincidence, she spots Barney. She puts her hoodie over her face and heads for the nearest exit...and when Ron implores her to show some maturity and talk things out with her ex, she pulls her hoodie on tighter and continues fleeing.
Kitty Pickrel enters the lounge, where her new young friends, Kelly and Polly, are playing cards. When she notices that her grandson Graham is staring over at Kelly in stunned fascination, she motions him over to introduce himself...and he ambles over, but then does some kind of weird Igor type impersonation while pretending to be stabbed, then collapses onto the floor and crawls towards the exit. Kelly's like, "Er, OK..?" and tells Kitty that her grandson is cute, but really fucking weird.
Barney is skeet shooting while his new lady love, Judy, watches and wanks him about what an awesome shot he is. He tells her that his secret to hitting the target is thinking about his ex-wife while he pulls the trigger...then starts railing about how horribly she treated him and his friends. He glances around the ship and just happens to spot Terry with Ron, and jokingly (?) aims his rifle at her and pretends (?) to want to open fire on her.
Julie emerges from the swimming pool just as Jim wanders over and says he'd loooove to spend some quality time with her. She tells him she's definitely up for that - just as the Life Begins at 60 seniors charge over and drag Jim along for whatever old people adventures they're about to embark upon that, for some reason, they don't want to embark upon on their own.
Doc is discussing famous bridges with Graham, while Kitty rolls her eyes and says she worries about Graham not enjoying his pre-teenage years like a normal kid might. When Kelly ambles over to say hey, Graham gets nervous and does his weird Igor schtick before beating a hasty retreat, and Kelly shrugs and says that she can only conclude he's a mental patient who has zero interest in her.
Barney and Terry encounter each other in an elevator and spend the ride bickering and bragging about their new significant others, blah blah...and after about a minute, my brain started to tune them out.
Kelly asks Julie for some grown woman perspective about the opposite sex and asks her if she knew how to handle boys back when she was a pre-pubescent. Julie says there are two types of boys: some you learn to handle, and some you never figure out. Kelly asks what in blazes she's supposed to do with a cute but extremely weird boy who seems incapable of behaving like a normal person, and Julie suggests she draw him out by asking him questions about himself, given that most guys thoroughly enjoy talking about themselves. Heh. As that's happening, Graham tells Doc he keeps getting tongue-tied around Kelly and wants advice about what to say to her, so Doc suggests he flatter her by telling her how nice she looks, then proudly says that he's somewhat of an authority on women, having been married four times. Graham's all, "Holy shit! Four times?!" and stares back at him in horror. LOL.
Terry and Ron arrive at the Captain's table for dinner - but stop short when they notice that Barney and Judy have also been invited to dine with the Captain. Terry snarks at Barney to leave - just as Captain Stubing arrives and asks Terry and Ron to take their seats, specifically in boy-girl-boy-girl order to generate maximum drama. Judy makes smalltalk with Terry by telling her how much she looooves living in her ex-house and mentions some decor changes that Barney made, and Terry hits the roof when she learns that Barney replaced the hardwood floor in the dining room with astroturf. Seems like a stupid decision for future resale, but OK. Captain Stubing quickly tires of the squabbling and orders them to shut the fuck up so that everyone sitting around them can enjoy their dinner in peace.
Kelly is primping in her cabin after getting a note from Graham, inviting her out to the lounge for an evening of G rated clubbing.
Graham frets about a new pimple, but Kitty assures him it looks like a freckle, and that no one will notice or care. When he tells her he's too nervous to go through with the date, Kitty sternly orders him to put his jacket on and head over to the lounge...and Graham reluctantly obeys and opens the cabin door and finds Kelly standing in the doorway. In the next scene, the two arrive at the lounge and get a table for two...and Graham tries to look smooth by tipping Isaac with what is actually a crumpled tissue. LOL.
As the adults get down and boogy on the dance floor, Kelly tries to initiate conversation with Graham by asking him questions about his interests and favorite classes, but he just grunts one word answers before robotically chirping, "You look nice tonight." From across the room, Julie notices the awkwardness and coos to Doc, "Those poor kids" ... and a few seconds later, Kelly gets fed up with Graham's social stuntedness and storms out of the lounge.
Kelly flees to her cabin, cries, "He hates me!" and flops onto her bed before bursting into tears...and Polly's all, "Wuh?" and does her best to comfort her weeping sister.
It's 2am before Jim can extricate himself from the Life Begins at 60 seniors and invite Julie to come back to his cabin with him. Mmm hmm.. Julie cackles, "I don't normally do this!" - just as Jim opens his cabin door and finds several drunken seniors from the tour group camped out on his floor playing poker and smoking cigars.
Terry admits to Ron that Barney is actually a nicer guy than she remembered...and Ron reminds her that they promised to meet up with Barney and Judy in the bar in a few minutes to hang out unnecessarily. Terry says she wants to finish the chapter of the book she's reading, so she urges him to go on ahead and promises to catch up with them shortly.
When Julie makes an announcement over the PA system about a game of jackpot bingo beginning imminently, Ron and Judy squeal excitedly and head over to the games room. A disinterested Barney says he'll pass on jackpot bingo and will instead stop by Terry's cabin to see what's been holding her up.
Barney chides Terry for being so late meeting up with them, and she apologizes and says she got distracted while brushing her hair. Barney gazes at her longingly and says it was worth the wait 'cause of how awesome she looks, just as she notices that he's wearing the fugly plaid jacket she gave to him for Christmas one year. When she asks him to help her with her zipper, he gets a whiff of her perfume and recalls that she was wearing it the night they first met. He then starts caressing her hair, and she whirls around and stares at him hungrily before the two lean towards each other and lock lips in an intense smooch.
Jim staggers into the lounge and finds Julie seated at the bar, and grumbles at her about being run ragged by the Life Begins at 60 seniors. The two find a quiet table so they can finally share a tender moment - but, as anyone could predict, it immediately gets cut short when the seniors storm into the bar playing bagpipes.
Over by the pool, Kitty admonishes Graham for acting like such a horse's ass in front of Kelly, and he argues that he's merely acting like the socially inept twelve year old he is. Kitty turns her attention to Kelly and complains that because of her, Graham has turned into lousy company, then orders the two to at least try to relate to each other as friends. Kelly hands Graham a towel to dry himself off with and does her best to initiate conversation, and this time he actually makes an effort to retort with more than just one word answers...and soon the two are grinning happily at each other.
Terry and Barney get dressed after their impromptu doink, each expressing surprise at their shitty philandering. Terry calls the extramarital liaison a mistake and says they were wise to end their rollercoaster of a toxic relationship that apparently only had hot sex going for it. She says she now realizes that the anger she's been feeling for him was actually leftover passion, and that Ron - her now cuckolded husband - means sooooo much more to her than that [even though she doesn't have a scrap of self-reflection to wryly remark to herself that she has an interesting way of showing it]. The two concur that when things between them were good they were very very good, but very very bad when they were bad, and agree that they both like and hate each other at the same time.
Above deck, Graham admits to Kelly that he's been acting so damn weird around her 'cause she makes him nervous, then asks her if she's ever kissed anyone. She says she hasn't, and he leans in for a smooch...and afterwards the two stare out at the ocean.
Julie spots Jim dancing with an old lady and cuts in, steers him over to a table, and admonishes him for standing her up at dinner. He explains that he got roped into playing ping-pong with the Life Begins at 60 seniors...and when he leans in for a long-awaited smooch, one of the seniors marches over and forcibly drags Jim onto the dance floor.
Hours later, an exhausted Jim stops by Julie's cabin in a last ditch effort at some much anticipated canoodling. Julie invites him in and offers to fix him a drink...and as she's doing that, she natters about how much she'd looooove to get to know him better - but when she turns around with his drink, she finds him fast asleep atop her bed. Womp womp!
Terry thanks Ron for urging her to confront Barney about her unresolved anger towards him, then tears up and coos, "I love you very much." He hugs her back and says, "That's all you have to say" ... and she lets out a sigh of relief that he's not remotely curious about her newly softened feelings for her ex after they were suspiciously MIA for several hours while he and Judy were playing jackpot bingo.
Graham tells Kelly that yesterday was the greatest day of his life and that he wants to see her after the cruise. As the two bid each other goodbye, Kelly coos, "I love you" ... and it freaks Graham out so much that he lapses into his Igor impersonation/mental safe space before slinking off.
Julie and Jim are gazing at each other, lamenting the many missed opportunities to have told the Life Begins at 60 seniors to fuck off so they could have some private time to develop a budding romance. Jim tells Julie he'd like to see her in L.A. sometime, and she says she's A-OK with that and reminds him that they still have thirty minutes before the ship docks. As they lean in for a smooch, the seniors wander over to apologize for monopolizing Jim's time during the entire cruise. They admit to being selfish dickwads as they, in real time, continue to be selfish dickwads by making no attempt to leave the couple alone right now...and Jim wearily tells Julie he needs to get the group ready to go ashore - but promises to be in touch, even though I'm pretty sure this is the last we'll ever see of "Mr. Right".
Julie asks Kelly how her cruise went, and Kelly tells her that Graham falls into the category of guy you never figure out. A few seconds later, she spots him a few levels down after he's gotten off the ship, and he yells, "That thing you said...I do too!" and Kelly squeals happily and demonstrates his by now waaaay overplayed Igor schtick for Julie.
Ron says goodbye to Barney and Judy, and the couples wish each other good luck before accidentally splitting up in the wrong configuration: Terry with Barney, Judy with Ron. The four chuckle heartily at that disturbing impulse, then scramble to climb into the correct cabs.
"Oh, Dale! / Main Event / Tasteful Affair"
Original airdate: 10/1/1977
Episode summary: A private investigator falls in love with the woman he's tailing. A married couple who bickers constantly gets stuck in an elevator. A man who's just been dumped is so desperate to be on the same cruise with his ex-girlfriend that he poses as a woman in order to get the last female only cabin available.
Recap: Janette Bradford is staring despondently at her husband Lucas as he natters at her about what a bad time it is for him to be away from the office. She wryly says it always seems to be a bad time for him to want to carve out quality time with her, so he snarkishly points out that he has no choice but to be a workaholic 'cause someone's gotta pay for their extravagant house and fancy toys. Janette says she doesn't care about any of that material stuff, but that she's actually A-OK with going on this week's Love Boat cruise by herself 'cause she has some serious life decisions to contemplate. Lucas seems indifferent to that red flag and gives his wife a cheek kiss before wishing her [and his marriage] bon voyage. A few feet away, a blonde man named Dennis Kingsley, who's been watching the exchange, wanders over to Lucas. Lucas asks him if he got a good long look at his wife...and when Dennis says he did, Lucas reminds him that his task will be to follow her around on the down-low and report back to him if/when he catches her engaging in any illicit hanky panky.
Maurice Marshall and his wife Stella board the ship and grumble to Julie that their twenty-three year marriage is the shits. Maurice pulls out one of his business cards that's in the shape of a sausage and proudly tells Julie he's known as "the sausage king" ... and Julie feigns interest in his sausage making company as she scans the passenger list and gives them the number of their assigned suite. Maurice and Stella head up the staircase, bickering non-stop in case we had any doubt about what a misery their twenty-three year marriage has become for them, along with anyone who has the misfortune of being in their orbit.
Dale Reinhardt races after Joanne, aka the woman he hooked up with for one weekend, declared his love to, but was unceremoniously dumped so that she could move on to her next squeeze. Joanne tells him she feels nothing for him and much prefers hanging with her newest boy toy, not least 'cause he drives a fancy Mercedes. As she flees the lobby, Dale marches over to the front desk and tells Gopher he desperately needs to book a ticket for this cruise - but Gopher's like, "No can do" and tells him that the cruise is fully booked. When Dale asks him to double-check the passenger list in case there was a cancellation, Gopher discovers that there is one opening - but that he can't give it to him 'cause it's for a shared accommodation with a woman. Dale mulls over that setback as he wanders around the lobby and studies the arriving passengers: a woman carrying a wig box and a group of tall ladies with unattended suitcases. He glances around furtively before grabbing the wig box and suitcases and scampers up the staircase undetected.
Inside the men's room, Dale emerges from a stall decked out in a red-haired wig and a hideous red polka-dot dress, looking every bit as absurdly mannish as one would expect a man with a distinctly non-feminine build and/or facial features to look like. S(he) heads back to the front desk, introduces her/himself as Dale Riley, and asks Gopher if there are any available tickets for sale. Gopher tells her/him s(he)'s in luck 'cause there's one available ticket left, which he's only allowed to sell to a woman since it's for a shared accommodation with a female...and by woman he means a man who's unconvincingly trying to pass himself off as a woman and looks suspiciously like the man who was inquiring about purchasing a cruise ticket just a few minutes earlier.
As the ship sets sail, the passengers converge on the deck so they can simultaneously wave goodbye and litter the ocean with streamers and confetti...and Janette stares sadly into space while Dennis keeps a close eye on her from a distance.
She-Dale locates her/his cabin and finds the woman inside sobbing. When s(he) asks whassup, the woman tearfully introduces herself as Susan Ridley and explains that she's supposed to be on her honeymoon - but that it's not actually her honeymoon 'cause her husband-to-be (Jerry) ran off with another woman just hours before the wedding. She-Dale tells her that the man is clearly an idiot, then says they have something in common 'cause s(he) was also just jilted. Susan's like, "Oh, bummer" and slips out of her negligee and announces that she's taking a shower...and a flustered She-Dale gasps as if s(he)'s never seen boobies before.
After dinner, Janette is enjoying a glass of wine when a handsome gentleman approaches her and invites her to dance. She politely declines and tells him she's waiting for someone, then decides to call it a night and wanders over to the bar to settle the bill with Isaac. When Isaac nosily calls her out on fibbing to the gentleman just now, she says she did that 'cause she didn't want to hurt his feelings, then says she's off to her cabin to get a good night's sleep. Dennis, who's been sitting at the far end of the bar on his secret spy mission, stares after her in contemplative puzzlement.
The next morning, Dale is in search of a linen closet so he can change back into his fugly lady clothes when he happens to run into Julie. He tells her he'd like to know the cabin number of his ex-girlfriend so he can stalk her throughout the cruise, and she tells him she'd be more than happy to violate the woman's privacy and looks her up on the passenger list. Dale then makes a beeline over to Joanne's cabin - and is miffed to see that there's an if this room's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin' sign on the doorknob. Ouch.
Janette is playing a game of solitaire, while Doc for some reason is hovering over her and mansplaining what each move should be. A few seconds later, a bosomy woman sashays over and reminds Doc that he promised her a private tour of the ship - mmm hmm - and Doc heads off with her and leaves Janette to her card game. The ever-present Dennis notices all this from his seat at the end of the bar and stares over at Janette with a look of heightened contemplative puzzlement.
Captain Stubing notices She-Dale exiting the linen closet decked out in the hideous red polka-dot dress. When he asks She-Dale whassup with exiting the linen closet, s(he) giggles and says she could have sworn the sign said ladies room...and Captain Stubing decides that that sounds like a reasonable answer and looks visibly charmed by the giggling moose woman.
As Maurice and Stella get ready for dinner, Maurice says he plans to give the Captain a package of his sausages in the hope of hustling free advertising for his sausage business. He asks Stella to put the package in her purse, and she snipes about having to carry around a stinky package of sausage...and soon the two are bickering back and forth. They enter the elevator and get so irked at each other that they begin arguing about skipping dinner/not skipping dinner and repeatedly press the up/down elevator buttons. Eventually this breaks the elevator, which comes to an abrupt stop and effectively traps the two inside. [Please do not free them.]
Dennis is having dinner with a couple he met at the bar the other night, and they inform him that they've gotten to know a nice single gal and invited her to join them. By scripted coincidence, the "single" gal turns out to be Janette, who politely greets Dennis as he pours her a glass of wine and gazes at her with undisguised smittenness.
Julie informs Captain Stubing that a bickering couple is trapped in an elevator 'cause they somehow shorted the wiring, and he's all, "Why the hell are you telling me this? Call the elevator repairman."
After dinner, Dennis strolls around the deck with Janette and shows her photos of his children and late wife, who he says he misses terribly 'cause they used to do everything together. Janette chews on that lovely sentiment for a few seconds before telling him that, in contrast, her dickwad of a husband was too busy working to go on this cruise with her. Dennis calls him "very foolish", then swiftly changes the subject by inviting her to join him in the nightclub for a dance...and in the next scene, the two are on the dance floor, contently swaying together.
Susan is blubbering again about being jilted by Jerry, and She-Dale assures her she'll soon find someone else...then gives her a comforting hug before asking why in blazes she appears to be naked under the bedsheet. Susan explains that she didn't pack much in the way of sleepwear 'cause she thought she'd be on her honeymoon, and She-Dale moans hornily and says s(he)'s going to need a cold shower pronto.
Maurice and Stella are still stuck in the elevator, bickering about divorcing, splitting their assets, and deciding who gets custody of their kids...blah blah. My brain tuned out until the repairman finally arrives on the scene, fixes the wiring, and is able to open the elevator doors. By this time, Maurice and Stella have taken a break from bickering and are in mid-smooch...and when they realize that Captain Stubing and the repairman are standing in front of the elevator, gawking at them, Maurice presses the close button so that he and his wife can continue their smoochfest in private.
Dennis exits the gift shop and shows Janette the Hemingway book he just bought, says it's his favorite, and give it to her as a gift. She squeals, "Ooooh! I love A Moveable Feast!" and thanks him for the sweet gesture.
Dale covertly spies on Joanne as she suns herself on a lounger beside her new boyfriend...and when the boyfriend excuses himself to go make a phone call, Dale rushes over, professes his love for her, and pleads with her to resume their hookup. Joanne groans in annoyance, says she doesn't love him, never loved him, and that she wants him to permanently get lost so she can focus on her new rich boyfriend and his Mercedes.
Janette and Dennis continue to enjoy each other's company by playing a wholesome game of backgammon. Ho hum.
Dale is about to end it all by leaping overboard - hurray! - when he notices that Susan is about to do the same thing. He rushes over to where she's about to jump and tells her that no guy is worth committing suicide over...and Susan mulls that over and decides 'yep, he's probably right'. As Dale tries to help her climb back over the railing, he loses his grip and somehow they both slip and plunge overboard. Fortunately for them, the man overboard! alarm is immediately raised, and a team of rescuers immediately get into action scooping the two idiots out of the ocean.
Dale and Susan are in her cabin, wrapped up in blankets as they drink tea and cackle about their near death experience. When Dale invites her to have dinner with him this evening, she says she promised her mannish cabin-mate she'd dine with her...then adds that she kinda feels obligated to hang out with her on account of how unsightly she must be to the opposite sex. Dale says he totally understands, then suggests they meet up at the nightclub after dinner.
Over dinner, Susan tells She-Dale about the gorgeous passenger who saved her from her half-hearted suicide attempt...then blushingly says she'd totally be into tapping that. She-Dale perks up at that sexy admission...and when Susan asks him if (s)he'd mind finding somewhere else to sleep tonight, (s)he bobs her/his head enthusiastically.
As a completely oblivious Susan rushes off to meet Dale at the nightclub, She-Dale happens to encounter Captain Stubing, who flirtily insists on getting to know her better and forcibly steers her into his private quarters. Yeesh. Easy there, Cap'n. Susan, meanwhile, gets impatient while waiting for Dale to show up at the nightclub and asks Julie if she could please look up his cabin number...and Julie says that since violating passengers' privacy is the general policy on this ship, she'd be more than happy to provide that service.
Dennis is dancing cheek to cheek with Janette, lamenting about how quickly the days are passing. He gazes into her lovely eyes and leans in for a kiss - but Janette gently rebuffs him and says she really doesn't want to deceive her husband, douchebag though he is, 'cause she prizes trust and respect above all else. She then gives him a quick peck before rushing out of the nightclub.
Captain Stubing moans to She-Dale that life at sea can get so lonely that eventually a hairy man in drag starts looking good to him...and She-Dale manages to wriggle out of the Captain's amorous embrace, promises to meet up with him tomorrow, and beats a hasty retreat. When he reaches the linen closet to revert back to his manself, he's all, "Ack!" when he realizes that someone has stolen his shirt and pants.
Julie tells Susan that she checked the passenger list and couldn't find anyone by the name of Dale Reinhardt, and Susan throws a fit and screeches about how men always lie, then storms out of the nightclub. She runs into She-Dale and tearfully explains that she was just stood up by Dale...and She-Dale's like, "Uh, about that.." and says there's something s(he) needs to reveal to her asap. Once the the two reach their cabin, we hear a startled sounding Susan say, "Dale..?" then purr, "Ooooh, Dale.."
The next morning, Janette asks Julie if she happens to know where Dennis went off to, and Julie tells her he went ashore during the ship's last stop so he could fly back to Los Angeles a day early.
Dale tells Gopher he wants to book two tickets on a future cruise for Mr. and Mrs. Reinhardt - just as Captain Stubing comes over, gives Dale a once over, and tells him he didn't recall seeing him during the cruise...then remarks on how there's something oddly familiar about him. Dale says he saw plenty of him as he flirted with a mannish redhead by the linen closet, then squeaks, "Bye!" in his She-Dale voice...causing Captain Stubing to stare bewilderedly after him and mutter, "Noooo...it couldn't be" even though, yes Captain, it be.
When the ship docks in Los Angeles, a cheery looking Maurice and Stella thank Julie for a wonderful cruise, and cackle about how being trapped in an elevator for hours was the highlight of their dull-as-fuck storyline.
Dennis rushes aboard the ship, finds Janette, and hands her his business card as he confesses that her shitty husband hired him to follow her around to get proof of her infidelity. He explains that he flew back to Los Angeles early so he could give her a glowing review to Lucas, and also give him his money back. He then declares, "I love you", and that he'd be more than happy to wait around for how ever long it takes her to divorce the shithead. Janette mulls that over as she saunters off the ship and to where Lucas is waiting by his car. When he asks her how the cruise went, she hands him Dennis's business card and says, "I met your man" ... and a shame-faced Lucas suggests they go home and talk things out. Janette says it's pretty clear that they no longer have anything to talk about, then says he actually did her a favor. She informs him that she's checking into a hotel pending the filing of their divorce, and he just kind of shrugs and goes, "Uh, OK. See ya." Janette hails the next available taxi, which just happens to have a hopeful looking Dennis sitting in the back seat. He offers to give her a lift, and she grins back at him and says that, yep, she could definitely use one, then climbs into the back seat beside him.