"Isaac's Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines" Original airdate: 1/13/1978 Episode summary: Isaac is displeased when he learns that his mother is shacking up with her new boyfriend. A performing duo decides to re-couple and take their bickering act on the road. Gopher sneaks aboard a chimpanzee named Louise, who quickly proves herself to be a thief and a ransacker. Guest starring: Recap: Gopher arrives late for work, clutching a bag that clearly contains a live animal. He unconvincingly tells Julie he's late 'cause he had a flat tire, and Julie reacts by scrunching her face in bemusement and refraining from wondering too hard what live thing he's obviously sneaking aboard the ship. Captain Stubing asks Julie why he hasn't seen Gopher report for duty yet, and she shrugs and half-heartedly suggests that maybe he had a flat tire. Julie welcomes aboard Cynthia Parker and her daughter Anne, who's wearing a big white bandage taped across her nose after a recent rhinoplasty. Cynthia pulls Julie aside and tells her that Anne is self conscious about her nose bandage, then asks Julie who did her perfect little button nose. Julie affably says, "The man upstairs", and Cynthia remarks on how lucky she is "to live in a doctor's building", to which Julie reacts by staring after her quizzically. Isaac anxiously asks Gopher if his mom has boarded yet, and Gopher says she hasn't, but that there's plenty of time remaining for passengers to arrive. Isaac says that this is her first real vacation since her husband passed away, then grinningly says she still thinks of him as her baby. A few seconds later, Isaac's current squeeze, Charlene, boards the ship and explains that she got tired of waiting for him in port all the time, so decided 'why not book a Love Boat cruise so that we can spend some quality time together?' Isaac's all, "But my ma's on this cruise!", and Charlene says she doesn't mind...and is, in fact, looking forward to meeting her. Later, Julie is on hand to greet Isaac's mom, Millie Washington, who leaps to the somewhat accurate conclusion that her darling son is too busy skirt-chasing to make time to welcome her aboard. Julie then welcomes aboard Mitzy Monroe, a performer she hired to entertain the cruise's passengers and who's boldly dressed in yellow from head to toe. Julie excitedly tells her that the pianist she hired to accompany her is dynamite - just as that pianist, Lenny Camen, wanders over and quips, "Who's the banana?" LOL. Mitzy groans at the sight of him...and when the two start bickering, she informs Julie that Lenny is her ex-everything (including ex-husband) and is less than thrilled by this unexpected reunion. Lenny shrugs and says he doesn't mind them re-coupling for the purpose of a paid performance...and after Mitzy huffily stalks off, Lenny tells Julie that the two of them were married for (a no doubt turbulent) ten years. Isaac asks Gopher if his mom got settled in OK, then glances across the deck and sees that Captain Stubing is giving Millie a personalized tour of the ship. Isaac hugs his mom hello and introduces her to Gopher - just as she notices a tear in her son's jacket and offers to fix it, sassily adding that he's going to need to bring it to her cabin 'cause she doesn't deliver. After she ambles off, Charlene wanders over and remarks on the tear in Isaac's jacket and offers to fix it, and Isaac joking asks, "Do you deliver?" ... and she just stares back at him in mute confusion. Lenny finds Mitzy doing some writing in the lounge, and the two boast about how awesomely their (failing) careers are going...then start bickering back and forth ad nauseam. Julie enters the room and tells them that a performance isn't worth fighting over, then proposes flipping a coin: winner will perform solo and pay for the other's passage. An alarmed looking Mitzy and Lenny are like, "Nooooo!" 'cause apparently neither is able to afford the cost of two cruises, and Julie smugly says, "I'm glad that's settled" and saunters off while Lenny and Mitzy shoot hateful stink-eyes at each other. Isaac enters the dining room, chats with Gopher for a few minutes, then notices that his mom is having dinner with a strange gentleman. He growlingly wonders, "Who is that guy?", then ambles over to further investigate the kind of company his mom is keeping. Millie introduces him to her companion, a dentist named Roy Harwood, and natters on about how her family doesn't need extensive dental care and that Isaac "has the best set of chompers in town". Isaac spots Charlene entering the dining room and hastily excuses himself to whisk his girlfriend off to somewhere private. She looks into it as she remarks on his beautiful teeth, and he grinningly acknowledges that, indeed, he has the best set of chompers in town. Elsewhere in the dining room, Mitzy and Lenny are all, "Ack!" when they're nearly seated at the same table. The two march in tandem towards the exit together - until Mitzy decides she's hungry and wants to stay and have something to eat, leaving Lenny staring after her from the opposite side of the glass door. As Julie dines with Gopher, she asks him why he's filling a doggie bag with food taken off both of their plates, so Gopher weakly explains that since he's not usually that hungry at dinner time, he's decided to stockpile food that he can snack on later. Cynthia urges Anne to remove her nose bandage and start enjoying the cruise, but Anne says she's reluctant 'cause of her fear that the doctor might have botched her nose job. Gopher steals two bowls worth of peanuts at the bar Isaac is tending, then sneaks off - just as a still-hungry Julie arrives and complains to Isaac that he's not replenishing his peanut supply quickly enough. Isaac's all, "Say wuh? I just filled that!", prompting Julie to stare suspiciously into space. Gopher returns to his cabin, calls out, "Louise!" ... and when a chimpanzee decked out in a purple dress emerges, he shows her the doggie bag he brought back for her. While that's happening, Julie and Isaac barge into his room and are all, "Busted!" and Gopher sheepishly explains that he had no choice but to sneak Louise on board 'cause he promised a friend he'd babysit and didn't expect to be on duty. He makes Julie and Isaac swear to not tell anyone he's hiding her in his cabin, and the two reluctantly agree to keep mum about the hairy stowaway. Cynthia tells Anne, who's locked herself in the bathroom, to come out and meet Doc, but she refuses 'cause of her nose embarrassment. Doc tells Cynthia to just let her be, and assures her that she'll remove the nose bandage once she feels ready. He then invites Cynthia to go get some breakfast with him, and Cynthia eagerly accepts as she looks around for her sunglasses, which have suddenly gone missing. Gopher sternly asks Louise where she got her cool new sunglasses, and correctly assumes that she stole them while sneaking around the ship. He asks her how on earth she was able to exit his cabin, so she lumbers over to the door, turns the knob, and saunters out. LOL. Lenny snarls at Mitzy for being late to rehearsal...and after more of their tedious bickering, she starts singing - while sneezing throughout 'cause of his insistence on turning up the air conditioner - and objects to his slow tempo. After yet more bickering, she accidentally (or intentionally?) slams the piano cover on his hand. Gopher stops by Cynthia's/Anne's cabin to return the sunglasses Louis stole, and Anne opens the door a tiny crack. Gopher looks instantly smitten and asks her if she's an actress or model traveling incognito, then dreamily coos that she has the most beautiful blue eyes he's ever seen. He then slips the sunglasses to her through the door crack, waves goodbye, and wanders off looking discombobulated. Anne, who's newly buoyed with confidence in her appearance, decides she can now muster the courage to remove her nose bandage - just as Cynthia returns for the grand unveiling. Anne tells her to cover her eyes until after the bandage is off...and while that's happening, Louise - who has somehow sneaked into the cabin without Anne noticing - stands in front of Cynthia so that when she opens her eyes, anticipating seeing her daughter's new and improved nose, she's staring at a toothy chimpanzee decked out in a purple dress. She looks at the primate in horror, then faints as Louise quietly sneaks out of the room. Millie is dancing with Roy while Isaac and Charlene look on. Isaac tells Charlene he's very suspicious of Roy, and that he's worried about his mom 'cause she has no idea what cruise ships are like. Charlene then gives him a smooch at the same time Millie and Roy start smooching...and Isaac huffily says he intends to put an immediate stop to the illicit smoochery between his mom and Roy. Charlene stops him from storming onto the dance floor, urges him to lighten up about his mom's sex life, and suggests they go somewhere private to get it on. Isaac mulls over his options and chooses getting his rocks off over chastising his mom for her looseness. Isaac stops by his mother's cabin to 1) drop off the jacket that needs fixing, and 2) straighten her out about men. He warns that a lot of men come on these cruises looking for one thing, and Millie wryly thanks him for the tip, but that it's wildly inappropriate for him to be giving her dating advice. She then bids him goodnight 'cause she's ready to go to bed now - just as Roy emerges from the bathroom wearing a bathrobe. A stunned Isaac's all, "The fuck?" and makes it clear how appalled he is by their hookup, so Millie explains that she and Roy came on this cruise together, and that despite them being in love, she's not quite ready to accept Roy's marriage proposal. Isaac bitterly retorts, "Instead of getting married, you want to be some sort of swinger", and Millie reacts by giving him a loud sounding smack across the face. Cynthia reports to Captain Stubing that her cabin has been ransacked and that the thief stole an heirloom brooch...so the captain summons Gopher and orders him to track down the thief pronto. As he races off, he runs into Anne (sans nose bandage), and stares at her all smitten-like while once again marvelling how much she looks like a beautiful Hollywood actress or model. Captain Stubing pokes his head into the hallway and barks at Gopher to find the fucking jewel thief already, and Gopher races down the hall before giving a final little wave to Anne. Mitzy wanders into the lobby and sees a promotional poster advertising tonight's musical performance featuring herself and Lenny. She rips up Lenny's photo, then disappears up the stairs - just as Lenny enters the lobby, looks miffed that his photo is no longer on the poster, and takes out a black marker and defaces Mitzy's photo by drawing in a moustache and black marks over her teeth. Gopher returns to his cabin and is dismayed to learn that Louise, as anyone could have predicted, was the jewel thief who stole Cynthia Parker's brooch. Millie and Roy meet privately with Captain Stubing to tell him they want to get off at the next port and fly home 'cause of what a pissy little bitch Isaac is being on account of he doesn't approve of his mother shacking up with her boyfriend. Captain Stubing chuckles, "Young people today.." and laments their hypocritical double standard of judging their parents' behavior while doing the very same thing. Millie says she's surprised by how "prim and proper" Isaac is acting regarding her relationship with Roy, so Captain Stubing points out that Isaac isn't such a saint himself, given that he's been seen openly canoodling with his girlfriend Charlene at various points throughout this cruise. Gopher enters the lounge clutching the brooch Louise stole from Cynthia's cabin and heads over to where Cynthia and Anne are seated. He joins the two women and attempts to slip the brooch into Cynthia's purse - just as Doc suddenly interrupts to invite Cynthia to dance. As Gopher's gaze remains fixed on the purse Cynthia is clutching while on the dance floor, an oblivious Anne suggests they go for a romantic moonlit walk. Gopher distractedly tells her to put a pin in that for the moment, then rushes over to the dance floor to cut in on Doc. He's somehow able to slip the brooch into Cynthia's purse before Doc returns to the dance floor and tells him to buzz off 'cause he wants to continue dancing with his gal. Gopher rushes back to where a miffed looking Ann is sitting and weakly explains that he cut in on Doc just now 'cause he wanted to make a good impression on her mother, then says he's totes up for that moonlit stroll and offers to get them some brandy. On his way to the bar, he finds Louise seated on a nearby sofa chair...and when she bolts, he's forced to abandon the moonlit walk with Anne to chase after the cheeky chimpanzee. Doc schmaltzily tells Cynthia that her embrace makes her weak in the knees...and as the two engage in a smoochfest, Louise sneaks over and steals her purse. Cynthia's all, "The heck?", then faints at the sight of the chimpanzee racing off with her purse. Julie and Isaac complain to Gopher about all of the personal belongings Louise has stolen from them, and Gopher haplessly says he has no idea where the chimpanzee ran off to. A few seconds later, Anne arrives at his cabin to find out why he abruptly cancelled their moonlit walk, and he tells her he's in the process of wading through some very complicated monkey business. Cynthia wails at Doc about the horror of the "hairy little man in a dress" who made off with her purse. Doc breezily assures her it was only Gopher's pet monkey and promises that they'll get her purse back - just as Captain Stubing happens to walk by at the same time Louise is sauntering back to Gopher's cabin carrying Cynthia's purse. Doc, Captain Stubing, and Cynthia enter Gopher's cabin, where Gopher, Isaac, and Julie have already congregated...and Doc grabs the purse from Louise and hands it to Cynthia, who's delighted to find her missing brooch inside. Gopher apologizes to Captain Stubing for bringing Louise aboard the ship, and a visibly pissed off Captain Stubing sternly orders him to report to his office first thing in the morning with his bags packed 'cause he's getting kicked off the ship as soon as they dock in Ensenada. As he storms out, Anne chases after him and asks him if he's firing Gopher. Captain Stubing gruffly says he will not discuss the ship's business with her, so she fibs and tells him that the chimpanzee belongs to her, and that Gopher was gallantly protecting her from getting into trouble. She insists that if anyone should be punished it should be her, and Captain Stubing snarks, "Then it will be", but doesn't specify what that punishment is. The next morning, Gopher reports to Captain Stubing's office with his suitcase and says he's ready to leave. Captain Stubing goes, "Leave..?", says that nothing could be further from his mind, and that he found his chivalry in putting his job in jeopardy for the sake of saving a passenger from embarrassment utterly charming. He tells Gopher he's proud of him and orders him to get back to work pronto...then looks around for his hat, which Louise somehow stole and is wandering around the ship wearing atop her head. A swimsuit clad Charlene tries to canoodle Isaac, but he grumbles that after the mom slap he's not in the mood...and Charlene rolls her eyes and tells him to lighten up about Millie wanting to spread her wings. A few seconds later, Millie drops by his cabin with the jacket she repaired, cheekily warns Charlene about the men on this cruise, and accuses Isaac of having two sets of rules: one for her, one for himself. Isaac chews on that before agreeing that, yep, he's been acting like a total horse's arse this episode. As the three chuckle, he explains that, as any stereotypical TV son whose mom has become a widow, he didn't think any man was good enough for her...and Millie says she's proud of him for being able to admit when he's wrong, and then the three share a happy group hug. That evening in the Acapulco Lounge, Julie introduces the performers for the evening, Mitzy and Lenny, who bicker at each other as they approach the stage. When they continue their bickering on stage, the audience hoots with laughter 'cause they assume it's part of the act...which, because of Lenny's injured hand, ends up being more of a 'I hate my ex-spouse' comedy standup routine than the musical number everyone was promised. After the show, Lenny drops by Mitzy's cabin to gush about what a surprising success their act was...and agree that the two of them need each other when it comes to delivering quality entertainment. The two start smooching and agree that they've missed each other's kisses...and Lenny perks up when Mitzy invites him to spend the night in her cabin. Isaac says goodbye to Charlene, who's then offered a lift home by Millie and Roy. Isaac thanks Roy for not holding his pissy 'tude against him, and is A-OK with him calling him "son" as long as he keeps his mom happy. Roy says he hopes they can spend lots of time together, then remarks on how right Millie was about his great teeth...and everyone chuckles joyfully about the wondrousness of those pearly white chompers. Lenny and Mitzy tell Julie they're going to limit their bickering to the stage, then make an immediate exception as they bicker back and forth just before disembarking. Gopher asks Anne if he can call her once he drops Louise off, and she happily replies, "You'd better." Doc kisses Cynthia goodbye, then watches in amusement as Louise races back onto the ship with a stolen suitcase while a panicked Gopher follows in close pursuit. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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"Family Reunion / Too Hot to Handle / Cinderella Story" Original airdate: 1/6/1978 Episode summary: A ship's steward is stunned when a passenger turns out to be his long lost daughter. Doc, Gopher, and Julie egg on a poor couple to stay in the ritzy Promenade Suite after a sudden cancellation. Forces work against a newlywed couple as they try to consummate their marriage. Guest starring: Recap: Julie welcomes aboard passenger Wendy Bradley while she's having her Polaroid taken by her photography-obsessed husband, Sam. Across the deck, Julie notices one of the ship's stewards, Teddy, telling his latest one-night squeeze, Ginger, that this is the end of the line for them 'cause she's not allowed to secretly bunk in his cabin after the ship sets sail. Julie marches over to him, chides him for reporting late to work and being sloppily attired. Teddy grumpishly asks her if she's pulling rank on him, and she's like, "Well d'yuh" given that he does, in fact, report to her - just as Captain Stubing wanders by and overhears the last part of their conversation. He sternly tells Teddy that if Julie isn't willing to pull rank, he certainly is...and Teddy mumbles some nonsense about how he was doing some sort of "advance public relations work" with Ginger, who, he claims, has important contacts. As he quickly ushers Ginger off the ship, Captain Stubing irritably tells Julie that if they weren't about to set sail he'd get a replacement for Teddy, and Julie insists that while Teddy's not the best employee, he's also not the worst guy in the world and is usually a big hit with the passengers. Newlyweds Sally and George Allison burst aboard the ship in the nick of time, still dressed in their wedding attire. Captain Stubing greets them and wishes them a fantastic honeymoon. Doreen Edwards boards the ship while tallying the item by item expenses of their cruise vacation. Her husband (Bill) tells her to stop worrying so much about money and just enjoy their vacation. Julie tells Doc and Gopher that the (wealthy) Stockwoods have just cancelled their reservation, which means that the ultra-luxurious Promenade Suite, which has been fully paid for, is going to sit vacant for the duration of the cruise. A few seconds later, Doreen and Bill Edwards check in...and while Doreen looks less than thrilled to learn that their cabin is a teeny tiny hovel located above the noisy engine room, Bill assures the crew that they're just grateful to have scraped together enough cash to be aboard this lovely boat. Doc chews on that for a few seconds before suggesting to Julie and Gopher that they flout the rules and upgrade this needy couple to the Promenade Suite asap. The Allisons arrive in their suite and smooch each other before George picks up his new bride to romantically deposit her atop the bed...and throws out his back in the process. LOL. As he grimaces in pain, he says that, based on past experience, he's prolly going to have to sleep on a wooden board until his back gets back to normal. Doc, Gopher, and Julie escort the Edwards to the Promenade Suite...which, incidentally, lacks any kind of 'wow factor' and doesn't seem to be any more spacious that any other cabin we've ever seen on The Pacific Princess. The crew explains that a rich couple (the Stockwoods) cancelled, and that no one is really going to care that they're occupying this luxurious suite...with the exception of Captain Stubing, who just happens to drop by a few seconds later to welcome "the Stockwoods" and invite them to dine at his table this evening. As a panicked Julie surreptitiously nods at Bill, he plays along with the charade and pretends to be Martin Stockwood, then later tells his wife and the crew that he found impersonating a total stranger to be totally exhilarating. Sam shows Wendy the various photos he's been taking...and when she glances at a shot of him and his father, she laments never having known her father. Cue Teddy, who arrives to deliver champagne and caviar, which he gleefully [but also needlessly] tells them he stole from the captain's private stash. He then offers to unpack their bags for them so they can explore the ship...and after the Bradleys leave, he looks at a photograph of Wendy and her mother and murmurs, "Oh God...no..." which I can only translate to mean that he must be her long lost father. Teddy orders a drink from Isaac, who points out that he's not supposed to drink while on duty. Teddy responds by motioning over at Wendy and revealing to Isaac that she just happens to be the daughter he abandoned when she was eighteen months old. Isaac mulls that over and agrees that Teddy could definitely use a stiff drink...and just as Teddy starts guzzling his glass o' booze, Captain Stubing wanders over, glares disapprovingly at the glass in his hand, and snappishly says that this is his final warning. Later, in the dining room, Captain Stubing tells everyone who's seated at his table that the Stockwoods will be joining them for dinner. One of the dinner guests, Cynthia Loudon, complains to her [advertising executive] husband Everett about how Martin Stockwood - who she's never met in person and conveniently has no idea what he looks like - is a vulture who likely booked this cruise to steal his biggest client: Greg Beatty, who just happens to be sitting across from them at the table. Doreen and Bill Edwards arrive and convincingly introduce themselves to everyone as the Stockwoods...and when the conversation shifts to advertising, Bill craftily says that since he and his wife are on vacation, he's not going to indulge in any shop talk. The next day, Teddy delivers a drink to Wendy - just as Captain Stubing wanders over to ask her if she's enjoying the cruise. She tells him she loooooves being at sea, then attributes this sentiment to her father's love of the sea and explains says that he died when she was a baby. Captain Stubing clucks sympathetically, then glares over at Teddy and asks him if he doesn't have anything more important to be doing. Teddy ambles off, but not far enough to not eavesdrop as Wendy tells Captain Stubing the lie her mother's been peddling her whole life: her father was a stupendous sea captain named Edward R. Anderson who died when the ship he was commanding, the Caroline T, sank. Captain Stubing chews on that for a minute, then asks her if she'd be interested in looking into that fabricated history by browsing through his Big Book of Shipwrecks, and she tells him she'd like that very much. George Allison tells Isaac that Doc is a miracle worker for healing his back, then spots Sally fast asleep on a pool lounger. He tells Isaac that she was up all night, nursing him back to health, then asks him to please direct her back to their cabin as soon as she wakes up so that they can officially start honeymooning. Cynthia and Everett Loudon are sniping about their assumption that Martin Stockwood is plotting to steal away Greg Beatty, aka his advertising account - just as Greg Beatty wanders over to express how refreshing he finds it that Martin Stockwood doesn't want to discuss business 24/7. Julie and Doc, meanwhile, run into Doreen and Bill Edwards and asks them if they're enjoying the cruise...and Bill says he's loving the Pretend to Be a Rich Guy Caper so much that he invited Captain Stubing to the Promenade Suite to join him and his wife for a drink. Julie frowns disapprovingly at this needless risk and tells Doc she thinks he's getting in way over his head, but Doc just kind of shrugs and pretends as though he wasn't the one who started everyone down this rabbit hole when he suggested that Bill and Noreen illegally occupy the Promenade Suite. When Greg Beatty accidentally spills his drink on Everett Loudon, Doreen asks him if he ever heard of a product called Space Age Miracle Banish, and explains that it's an awesome cleanser that can get rid of any stain. Greg gives her a strange look and says he has heard of it, given that it's his new product. Bill remarks on the wordiness of the product and suggests he rename it something simple, such as Spots Gone...and Greg looks instantly intrigued by that name and asks if he can use it without any kind of legal reprisal. Julie, who's watching the interaction from across the deck, looks impressed that Bill is able to convincingly pull off his Martin Stockwood impersonation...while Doc says he never doubted the brilliant caper idea for a minute. Sally coos to George about how much she loves him...while laying motionless and in pain atop their bed 'cause of a bad sunburn she got while asleep on the pool lounger earlier. Womp womp! Teddy drunkenly staggers into the lobby and runs into Captain Stubing, who snaps, "This is the last straw!" and orders him into his office. He pours the dipso a coffee and asks whassup with him repeatedly drinking on the job, so Teddy explains that many years ago he deserted his baby and his baby mama by running away to sea...and was shocked to discover that this grown up baby - Wendy Bradley - is currently a passenger aboard the ship. He laments what a disgrace he [and pretty much everyone around him] finds himself to be - just as Wendy knocks on the door to ask Captain Stubing if now is a good time to look through his Big Book of Shipwrecks. Teddy's all, "Ack!" at the sound of his daughter's voice and promises to leave the ship asap if no one outs him as Wendy's bio dad. The Captain mulls that over as he answers the door and ushers Wendy inside, tells her that her dad's faux name rang a bell, and that upon reflection realized that he once sailed with him...as did Teddy. Wendy excitedly says she wants to know everything about her "deceased" pa, so Captain Stubing says that the competent sailor was a nice looking man with a good sense of humor, and was generally a man that any girl would be proud to have as a father. An agonized looking Teddy suddenly moans, "I can't go ooooooooon with this" and tells Wendy that her bio dad is a total deadbeat, then confesses that he is that deadbeat. Wendy scrunches her face confusedly, angrily admonishes him for making zero effort to see her or know her all these years, then cries, "I wish you'd stayed dead!" before running out of the room. Sally tells Julie that George spent the day in Mazatlán to shop for souvenirs...and a few seconds later, he returns to the ship carrying a bouquet of flowers. He tells Sally that he picked them in a pretty field...which he suddenly realizes by the red patch on his arm must have been had lots of poison ivy around. Womp womp! Greg Beatty tells the Loudons that he's so impressed with the Spots Gone renaming that he's decided to ask "Martin Stockwood" to handle his advertising campaign from now on. He then turns to "Martin" and says he'd like to get into specifics about the financing of his account, and Bill decides that the jig is now up and confesses that he's not Martin Stockwood, but rather a regular Joe who works in a supermarket and agreed to pretend to be a rich guy mostly so his wife could enjoy the splendor of staying in the Promenade Suite. An alarmed Julie and Gopher, who have been eavesdropping on the confession, quickly usher Bill away. Gopher tells Doc they're in a jam, namely that they're probably not going to be able to prevent Captain Stubing from running into Bill and Doreen Edwards and figuring out that they're not the Stockwoods. As he wonders loud whether or not he should come clean to the captain, Doc reverts back to pretending as though none of this was his idea, and is all, "Dunno, but good luck with that." Sally goes on a day trip to Ensenada while George recuperates from getting poison ivy all over his arms. A few hours later, Sally boards what she assumes is the Pacific Princess, heads straight to what she assumes is her cabin, and is befuddled when a middle-aged man answers the door. When she threatens to lodge an immediate complaint to Captain Stubing, the man informs her that she's aboard The Sun Princess, and that the captain's name is Norton, not Stubing. Womp womp! As Doc and Gopher hang out in Gopher's cabin, Gopher gets a call regarding Sally Allison boarding the wrong ship in Ensenada and is all, "Oooooh nooooo" at the thought of breaking the news to George that his marriage is going to continue unconsummated. A few seconds later, he phones George to inform him of his wife's boarding mishap, but to assure him that Sally is fine and that she's going to meet him when they dock in Los Angeles. George and his penis respond by sobbing uncontrollably. Over in the Promenade Suite, Bill and Doreen apologize to Julie, Doc, and Gopher for not being able to pull off the caper, but then they come to an agreement that they're all to blame (save for Doc) for trying to pass off a poor couple as a rich couple. A few seconds later, Greg and the Loudons drop by the suite to 1) tell Bill that they like the cut of his jib, and 2) offer him a job in Everett's advertising agency to work exclusively on Greg Beatty's account. A stunned Bill's all, "But I work in a supermarket and have never studied advertising", so Doreen wanks him about about how he can do anything he puts his mind to. Bill thinks that over for a few seconds, then is all 'sure, why the hell not?' and shakes everyone's hands while Doc takes full credit for the happy outcome. LOL. Sam tells a morose Wendy, who's lounging in the pool area, that Teddy really really wants to talk to her - but she tells him she's not interested in hearing from a serial loafer who can't possibly explain twenty-six years of not giving a hoot about her. Teddy enters the pool area and argues that he did give a hoot about her, but neglected to be in her life 'cause he had nothing to offer her on account of he's a total screwup, drinks too much, and pretty much lies about everything. Fair point. He says he would have made her life miserable, but at the same time realizes that he cheated himself out of twenty-six of the best years a man could have. As he starts to shuffle off dejectedly, Wendy cries, "Don't go!", and he rushes back over to his tearful daughter to embrace her in an it's-never-too-late type fatherly hug. As George disembarks, he recaps to Julie that throughout this cruise, he and his bride have suffered every ailment imaginable and been separated for the last two days. Julie weakly points out that it's a damn good thing the cruise wasn't any longer - just as Sally runs over, hugs her groom, and tells him she's looking forward to kick-starting their honeymoon at home. Mmm hmm.. Bill and Doreen bid the Loudons and Greg Beatty adieu for now, and express their excitement about working together in the near future...then say goodbye to the crew, who are relieved and delighted that everything magically worked out in the improbable way that it did. Captain Stubing wanders over to inform his crew that he just got a call from Martin Stockwood, then shakes his head in light-hearted dismay about how Bill and Doreen, aka "these Madison Avenue types" will go to any lengths to land an account. He mutters about how "it's really a jungle out there" and ambles off, still seemingly clueless about Bill's Pretend to Be a Rich Guy Caper, which was never very convincing before it publicly fell apart. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "The Old Man and the Runaway / A Fine Romance / The Painters" Original airdate: 12/23/1977 Episode summary: A teenage runaway charms a widower into paying her passage. Julie makes a pass at an old crush, who doesn't reciprocate 'cause he's a priest. Two painters wreak havoc aboard the ship while painting Captain Stubing's cabin. Guest starring: Recap: Grumpy passenger Franklin Bootherstone boards the ship and grumpishly asks Julie what there is to do on this cruise, so she tells him that they offer deck tennis, ping-pong, and have a couple of swimming pools. He snarls back that he's not interested in any of that and plans to spend all of his time alone, breathing in the sea air. Captain Stubing cheerily greets Doc and explains that he's in a rare good mood 'cause he just had his cabin repainted and can't wait to see the fresh new color. Julie spots an old friend named Sean McGlynn as he boards the ship and is all, "Yoo hoo! Sean!" ... and when he stares back at her blankly, she tells him she's Bobby's little sister. Sean shakes his head in wonderment and says he can't believe the [scripted] coincidence of being aboard a cruise where his best friend's sister works as the cruise director. Another passenger, Mickey O'Day, interrupts the mini reunion 'cause he's eager to get himself checked in and start combing the ship for some single and ready to mingle ladies, and Julie tells him and Sean that - surprise! - they're going to be rooming together in a cabin on the Fiesta Deck. [Seems odd that any grown man wouldn't prefer to be booked in his own private cabin while on a cruise vacation, but OK.] Captain Stubing invites Julie to join him and Doc as they check out the fresh new color in his cabin...and Julie waxes on about how the painters she hired aren't just average painters, but rather "tint engineers" who mixed a custom color they're calling Singapore Sunset Saffron, aka a light shade of yellow. A few seconds later, the two painters (Vincent and Ronald) enter the hallway wheeling their cart of paint supplies - but then somehow lose control of it...and everyone watches as it rolls toward the elevator and collides with a hapless Isaac, who's soon covered with a layer of yellow paint. Womp womp! Vincent and Ronald usher Captain Stubing and Doc down the hall and stop at the Deputy Captain's office, thinking that the sign "Dept Captain" on the door referred to 'the captain's department' and was therefore the cabin they were supposed to paint. Captain Stubing snarls that they painted the wrong office and orders them to stay aboard the ship until the proper cabin has been painted. As Franklin unpacks his things, a blonde teenager suddenly emerges from his bathroom...and when he asks who in blazes she is, she fibs that she's his twenty-six year old chamber maid. Franklin points out that she's clearly a teenager, and that chamber maids usually wear uniforms,...and the teenager concedes that he's pretty smart for a senior citizen, then introduces herself as sixteen year old Nancy Brown. She explains that things were "gettin' heavy" with her foster parents, so she sneaked aboard the Pacific Princess in order to get a free ride to Acapulco so she could meet up with her boyfriend Randy, aka a [Mexican?] guy she recently met at a concert. Franklin chuckles at the brevity of her relationship and tells her that he and his wife, on the other hand, had an awesome marriage that spanned forty-five years before she passed away six months ago. He tells Nancy that she should prolly get off the ship now, but she looks out the window and points out that it's already set sail...and that if he threatens to turn her in, she'll have no choice but to jump overboard. Mickey gets dressed up for a night out and tells Sean it's obvious that Julie is sweet on him and that he should totally tap that. Sean just kind of shrugs and says he still thinks of her as his best friend's kid sister, and Mickey's like, "OK, whatever" as he takes a pill for his chronic heart condition, then heads out with the stated goal of "meetin' some dames". Franklin asks Gopher and Julie about the ship's policy regarding stowaways, so Julie tells him that they usually expel the unwanted guests at the next port of call - unless, of course, the illegal traveler is able to pay for his/her passage. Gopher smugly declares that no one ever sneaks aboard without the crew's knowledge, so Franklin informs him that, in fact, someone did sneak on, and that she's hiding out in his cabin. Gopher's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says he'll have her removed asap, but Franklin suddenly softens and fibs about how the stowaway is his granddaughter and that he'll happily shell out the dough for her passage. Julie says the cruise is completely sold out, but points out that since she's his granddaughter, she could just bunk with him. In the dining room that evening, Franklin is seated at a table across from Nancy, gruffly ordering her to act like a lady. Nancy spots Captain Stubing wandering over, so she hides her face behind a menu for fear he'll identify her as a stowaway...then is all, "Ack!" when Franklin calls the captain over to ask about the ship's stowaway policy. Captain Stubing smirkingly replies that he usually makes them walk the plank, then wanders off...and as Nancy twitches fearfully, Franklin laughingly informs her that she's no longer a stowaway 'cause he paid for her passage and told the crew she's his granddaughter. Nancy squeals joyfully and gives him a grateful hug...and a few seconds later, the waiter strolls by to take the happy diners' dinner order. In the lounge, Julie and Sean are enjoying a drink together, reminiscing about when he used to call her "metal mouth" on account of her braces. He remarks on what a pretty woman she's grown into - just as she's suddenly called away to take a phone call. Mickey pops up out of nowhere to tell Sean that it's pretty clear how much Julie digs him and to once again advise him to get on with tapping that. Julie ambles back after finishing her phone call and suggests to Sean that they go somewhere to relax, and he looks slightly panicked and suggests they join a group of others in a game of bridge. Julie reacts by scrunching her face in disappointment and muttering, "Bridge..?" as he hastily ushers her off. While getting ready for bed, Nancy looks at a photo of Franklin's late wife, and Franklin sadly confirms that they were childless and that he's surprised she kicked off long before him. As the two lay in their beds, Nancy thanks Franklin for letting her bunk with him so that she can sleep in a comfy bed...and when she jokingly calls him grampa, he beams happily and urges her to get a good night's sleep. The next day, Nancy urges Franklin to play some shuffleboard, and he says he's game and soon looks as though he's having a fabulous time. Captain Stubing stops by his cabin to check on the progress of the paint job, and looks miffed that this version of Singapore Sunset Saffron color isn't quite the right shade of yellow. As Ronald rattles off the formula that was used, Vincent realizes he added in three smidgens of an ingredient instead of two, and Captain Stubing gruffly orders them to mix the paint properly and get his damn cabin painted. Once he's out of earshot, Ronald and Vincent start arguing about their ineptitude and unhelpfully start smearing paint on each other's faces. Captain Stubing tells Julie he wants the painters to finish the job by the end of the day, and Julie sheepishly says she'll take care of it...then storms into the Captain's cabin and gets pelted with yellow paint by the warring Vincent and Ronald. Nancy is doing her best to teach yoga poses to Franklin, who's having difficulty sitting in any kind of contorted position. She then tries to teach him how to chant, but he doesn't look into doing that and instead responds by breaking out in song...and the two happily croon together. Julie invites Sean to her cabin to look over some old photos - mmm hmm - but Sean shiftily says he'd rather not waste the sunshine by staying indoors. Julie tries to summon the courage to ask him why he doesn't seem remotely interested in hitting the sheets with her - but at the last minute chickens out and jogs off. That evening, Franklin reminds Nancy that the ship is going to dock in Acapulco tomorrow, and cautions her about jumping head-first into what's likely to become an ill-fated marriage with Randy on account of she's way too young to make that kind of serious commitment. Nancy mulls that over and remarks on how half of her friends' parents are divorced, then ribs Franklin about all the fatherly advice he's been dispensing to her, aka his non-child. She says she likes that she can discuss things with him - unlike her foster parents, who just bark no at her all the time. Franklin urges her, regardless, to return to Los Angeles and hook up with Randy when she's a tad older and wiser, and Nancy agrees it's the right thing to do - but says she should prolly inform Randy in person about her abrupt change of heart. Captain Stubing inspects his newly painted cabin, seems satisfied enough with the color, but then unwittingly leans against a wall that hasn't dried yet. As he strolls off with a yellow backside, the painters quietly exchange concerned glances. Julie admits to Sean that she's had a crush on him ever since she was a brace-faced lass, and he looks aghast at that admission and hastily excuses himself before fleeing to his cabin. As Julie stares after him, her face scrunched in confusion, Doc ambles over and asks her whassup. She whimpers at him that Sean keeps rebuffing her advances, so Doc suggests that perhaps he's excessively shy and that she needs to be more aggressively charming with her feminine wiles. Mickey says he's off to hit the ship's nightlife and invites Sean to join him...and when Sean declines, Mickey shakes his head confusedly and says he doesn't get why he has zero interest in boning Julie, who clearly has a giant crush on him. A few seconds later, Julie knocks on the door, and Mickey urges Sean to 'go for it' before departing. Julie sexily sashays around the room as she reminds Sean that she's a full grown, red-blooded American woman, aka not Bobby's little sister anymore...then decides she sounds utterly ridiculous and chides her inability to seductively flirt. Sean assures her she's fantastic - just as Mickey returns to the cabin complaining of chest pain and is fairly certain that he's currently having a heart attack. As Julie and Sean help him into his bed, Mickey requests both a doctor and a priest, and Sean solemnly tells Julie she doesn't need to call a priest...then pulls out a clerical collar from a drawer as a stunned Julie stares back at him and is all, "The hell? ...er, heck?" Doc examines Franklin, somehow is able to assure him just by looking at him that he's not having a heart attack, then gives him a mild sedative to relax him. Sean explains to Julie that he went on this cruise to decide whether or not he really wants to continue being a priest...and has since determined that, yep, he's truly happy with this life decision after all. Julie sheepishly says she feels like an idiot for coming onto him so strongly, and he assures her that things might well have turned out differently if he weren't such a devoted man of the cloth. Captain Stubing meets up with Julie and Gopher and tells them he's very upbeat about his cabin being painted a fresh new color...but as they wander down the corridor, he suddenly realizes that the fresh new color of his cabin is, in fact, the same yellow as the rest of the ship. He chews on that for a few seconds before ordering Vincent and Ronald to instantly change course and paint everything in his cabin blue. Over in the dining room, Franklin is seated alone at a table, anxiously awaiting Nancy's return from Acapulco. In the next scene, Franklin looks miffed when it appears that Nancy has ditched him by opting to stay in Acapulco with Randy, her teenage fiancé. When the ship docks in Puerto Vallarta the next morning, Franklin grumpishly tells Captain Stubing that his "granddaughter" decided to stay behind in Acapulco - but a few seconds later, Nancy bounds aboard and explains to Franklin that she and Randy engaged in such an intense conversation about what a horrible idea it would be to get married at such a young age that she missed the boat...and so Randy drove far and fast so that she could re-board in Puerto Vallarta. She then reports that Randy was in full agreement that they should wait at least a couple of years to marry, and plans to return to her shitty foster family in order to finish high school. Captain Stubing enters his cabin to check out the paint job and is confident that Vincent and Ronald weren't total morons about his edict to "paint everything blue" - until he sees that they literally painted the walls, along with every object in the room a deep shade of violet-blue. As he stares at the blueness, speechlessly aghast, Vincent and Ronald assume he's mutely thrilled - until he bellows, "Get off my ship!!" before leaning against a post and getting blue paint all over his backside. Franklin talks to Gopher about arranging for a social worker to board the ship in Los Angeles so that he can insert himself in The Nancy Foster Parent Situation. Julie finds Vincent and Ronald in hiding behind the lounge's bar and warns them to get off the ship before the captain finds them and blows another gasket. They apologize for the various painting mishaps, then decide they should prolly stop pretending to be expert painters and maybe start pretending to be ski instructors. Sounds like a plan that's just crazy enough to work. Franklin stops Nancy from rushing off the ship in tears so that he can introduce her to the social worker who's going to help with her transition from living with her undesirable foster parents to being put into his custody, once he becomes an approved foster dad. Nancy squeals happily and calls this surprising development "far out". Sean bids Julie adieu and tells her he'd love to officiate her wedding someday. He then gives her a chaste cheek kiss, and she stares after him in sad wistfulness as he ambles out of her life forever. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "Lonely at the Top / Divorce Me, Please / Silent Night" Original airdate: 12/9/1977 Episode summary: A married couple spends their cruise desperately wishing the other would ask for a divorce. A man wrongly convicted for embezzlement seeks revenge against his ex-bestie. Captain Stubing plays Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and bonds with a group of boy orphans. Guest starring: Recap: Julie moans to Gopher, Isaac, and Doc about how homesick she is for snowy Oregon, and that this'll be the first Christmas she's spending without her family. Isaac clucks sympathetically and agrees that Christmas is a time to be with family, while Doc describes his Christmas tradition: jet to Vegas and get treated to a turkey dinner by his ex-wives. Gopher starts nattering about his family's many traditions - just as Captain Stubing wanders over to say hey...and to tell the crew that, to him, Christmas is just another day and that they should stop this unauthorized yakking and get back to work. Gopher remarks on how nice it'd be if the captain n' crew exchanged Christmas presents, but Captain Stubing pissily reminds him about the ship's 'no present exchange rule', and makes it clear that he's totes unwilling to bend on it. A married, hoping to soon be ex-couple, Audrey and Paul Baynes, are keeping to themselves how much each loathes the other when they arrive to check in with Julie and Gopher. Audrey gushes aloud about how thrilled she is that Paul is treating her to this cruise as the voice inside Paul's head grumbles, "If I didn't bring you, I'd have to kiss you goodbye", while the voice inside Audrey's head grumbles, "I'd rather be in a swamp with Idi Amin." Julie gives them their assigned cabin number and wishes them a wonderful time aboard, and Audrey's inner voice rails about her greatest wish for a present this Christmas: a divorce from her dumbass husband. Lila Barton arrives on board with her haunted looking husband, Dan, who says it feels as though everyone's staring at him, and that he may as well wear a sign that reads EX-CON. Lila reminds him that he's not a criminal, but rather an innocent man who got a raw deal serving three years in prison for a crime he didn't commit...and that he should do his best to turn that frown upside down and focus on his fresh start. The two then check in with Gopher, who remarks to Dan that his pasty white face could sure use a dose of sunshine, and Dan growls in annoyance before stomping off. Father Mike (an L.A. priest) arrives with six lucky boys from his orphanage to enjoy the Christmas cruise. He introduces the kids to Julie, and after they scamper off with Father Mike, Captain Stubing wanders over to look pretend aghast at the fact that there are going to be six orphans running amok on his ship and grumbles, "I hope they behave themselves." Julie points out that they're kids, and that the point of them being on this cruise is to run around and have fun...then tells him that some anonymous benefactor buys tickets each year for a group of orphans to enjoy the Christmas cruise, and no one has any idea who it is. Captain Stubing shrugs faux cluelessly at that before snarling, "Someone with more dollars than sense." Lila asks Dan if he'd be more comfortable dining in their cabin, but he assures her that he's more than ready to be among people again. After a smooch, he glumly tells Lila he doesn't deserve her...and when she assures him that everything is going to be A-OK once they get their fresh start, he points out that since he's an ex-con, he won't be able to practice law anymore and sourly adds that there aren't many job opportunities for someone who's served prison time for embezzlement. Father Mike finds Captain Stubing leaning against the railings on one of the decks, staring despondently out at the ocean. Father Mike tells him that the kids are getting ready for dinner, and that he managed to sort out whatever fights they were having amongst each other. Captain Stubing says he's good with kids...then sadly adds that he, on the other hand, understands the sea - but not people, and admits to feeling very lonely this Christmas. Father Mike clucks sympathetically about how the holiday season can often isolate people more than usual, then asks if he has at least one friend among the crew. Captain Stubing says he can't be both their friend and curmudgeonly boss - but Father Mike's like, "Sure you can" and suggests that he take the time to get to know them as people and insert himself more in their lives. Over in the dining room, Audrey and Paul toast each other while the voices in their heads express the utter disdain each feels for the other as they desperately hope that the cruise ends with their divorce. It remains unclear what the barrier is to either of them calling a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling in putting them both out of this already tedious marital misery. Lila suggests to Dan that he call Walter Perry when they return home, and reminds him that Walter was his friend and law partner who defended him during the trial and was always good to her while he was in the clink. Dan gets visibly upset at the mention of Walter, then says he needs to go above deck for some fresh air. Captain Stubing runs into Isaac and insultingly attempts to bond with him with a, "Hey man, whas' happening?" Isaac gives him a strange look and says he's on his way to the lounge, and the captain replies, "Well, I can dig that, you have to split. That's cool...I'll lay some words on you later." He then asks Isaac to give him five, and Isaac somehow refrains from asking if he's currently experiencing some kind of mental break. Dan spots Walter Perry asking Gopher to cash a traveller's check for him...and after Walter saunters off, Dan stares after him, his face contorted into a bitter looking expression. At bedtime, Audrey and Paul wonder aloud what the other bought them for Christmas, followed by their inner voices once again expressing their deep hatred for one another. Audrey grimaces at the sound of Paul's gargling/man noises in the bathroom...and later when she goes into the bathroom, Paul grimaces at the sound of her shrieky singing voice. When she emerges from the bathroom, wearing a layer of unsightly facial cream and a hair net, his inner voice expresses how desperate for a divorce he is...as does Audrey, despite the illusion she's somehow under that he wouldn't be able to live without the wondrousness of her singing voice. Captain Stubing finds Julie working on some needlepoint...and when she abruptly stops 'cause she assumes he's about to yell at her for slacking off, he remarks on how pretty her needlepoint is and asks if she wouldn't mind teaching him how to stitch. She gives him a funny look, but dutifully gives him a demonstration...so then he gives it a try and suggests he get a kit that the two of them can work on together. A weirded out Julie blurts out that needlepoint bores her stiff, tells him he's welcome to continue her needlepoint project, and flees...and a few seconds later, Father Mike wanders over and chides Captain Stubing for spending his time on needlepoint instead of getting to know his crew better, like he'd suggested. Womp womp! Lila and Dan encounter Walter Perry sitting at the end of one of the ship's bars...and when Dan approaches him, he visibly pales and says he's shocked to see him 'cause he assumed he was still in the can. After Lila gives Walter a warm greeting, he starts chatting nervously about a hair appointment he made with the barber, then scurries off. Lila remarks on his strange behavior just now, to which Dan snarls, "He is strange" and adds that he's now 100% certain that Walter was the one who screwed him over and let him rot in prison for a crime he committed...and a shocked Lila's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?!" Audrey shops in the ship's boutique and asks the salesgirl what various items cost, and Doc remarks on how how refreshing it is for a woman to be concerned about finances, then explains that he divorced his ex-wife 'cause she never asked for the price of anything and spent him into the poor house. Audrey perks up at that possible shortcut towards her own divorce, then asks the salesgirl to show her the most expensive jewelry in the store. Paul, meanwhile, gets into an elevator with a woman who's happily telling her friend that she just divorced her imbecile of a husband 'cause he got drunk to the point of dancing with a lampshade atop his head, and just generally acted like a horse's ass whenever he was out in public. When the woman warns her friend, "Never marry a man who drinks", Paul perks up at that possible shortcut towards his own divorce...and after he exits the elevator, makes a beeline to the nearest bar. As the crew decorates the ship's large Christmas tree, Captain Stubing asks Father Mike if he could recommend any funny jokes for him to re-tell...so Father Mike tells him a lame joke (that apparently is a lot funnier in Latin) about a Martian who comes to earth, enters a saloon, and gets so turned on by a pinball machine - with it's flashing lights and noise - that it delivers the pick-up line, "Hey sweetheart, what's a pretty girl like you doin' in a place like this?" Captain Stubing mulls that over, then walks over to where the crew is decorating the tree and repeats the joke, which goes over like a lead balloon. Doc then changes the subject to which of them is going to play Santa this year (minus Julie 'cause women apparently aren't allowed), and the Captain imperiously declares that since he owns the suit, he plays Santa Claus. That evening, Julie, Gopher, Doc, and Isaac are enjoying some very strong rum punch...and when one of Father Mike's orphans tries to scam his way into getting a glass, Isaac hastily steps in to fill his glass with 100% fruit juice. Lila asks Dan if he can put his general aura of glumness aside for one night so that they can have a pleasant Christmas Eve, gives him a hug, then wanders over to the chest of drawers and gasps when she sees a gun laying in the midst of her dainties. She cries, "Dan! OMG, noooo!" and says she now realizes that he knew full well Walter Perry was going to be aboard The Love Boat, and that this pleasure cruise was all about revenge. Dan grumbles that it's his business whether or not he shoots Walter - but Lila reminds him that his three year incarceration also directly affected her, implores him to not remove the gun from this cabin, and declares that if he murders his ex-friend, their marriage is toast. Dan picks up the gun, then puts it back into the drawer before giving his wife a hug. A drunken Paul asks Isaac to ply him with some more booze...and when a bemused Isaac says he thought he heard him refer to himself as teetotaler, Paul jests that he must have been drunk when he said it. Audrey suddenly rushes over, is all 'the fuck?' about him drunkenly staggering around, then hands him a stack of receipts for all the expensive jewelry she purchased at the boutique. When Paul squints at the receipts and is all 'the fuck?', Audrey gleefully asks him if there's something he'd like to ask her...perhaps that starts with a D? ... but he just slurs, "Ya wanna dance?" and drunkenly takes her for a spin on the dance floor as she snarls at him to get off of her foot. Dan ambles over to the punch bowl to get a refill when he overhears Walter Perry grumbling to someone about how he once had a law partner who stole all of his money and went to prison. As Dan twitches with rage, Walter obliviously shuffles off...and a few seconds later, Dan - who now looks like he's on a mission - trails after him. Captain Stubing makes his grand entrance as a "Ho-ho-ho-ing" Santa Claus. He opens his sack o' gifts and starts handing them out to the orphans...but runs out when he gets to the last kid, Tony. As Tony stares at him with hope in his eyes fading, Santa Stubing admits that, yep, he's one present short and is going to have to race back to the North Pole to retrieve something. Tony reacts by tearing up and racing off...and when Father Mike goes after him, the crew sympathetically clucks, "Poor Captain Stubing." On the deck, Dan draws his gun on Walter, who's all, "Ack! Don't do anything foolish!" ... and Dan growls that he already has, namely spending three years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. As a worried Lila eavesdrops from an upper deck, Walter admits that, yeah, he got himself into some deep shit to the point that he desperately needed money, so decided 'why don't I dickishly ruin the life and career of my law partner and then assume I can get him acquitted?' Walter tearfully begs for his life - just as Dan hears the orphans et. al. singing Christmas carols in the nearby pool area. He abruptly throws his gun overboard and snarls, "Merry Christmas", and a relieved looking Lila rushes down the staircase and gives him a grateful hug. Santa Stubing finds Tony hiding in a shower by the pool area. He cries, "Go away! You blew it!" and Santa Stubing admits that, yep, he definitely did blow it - but then tried to fix his screw-up by looking around his office for anything he could pass off as present for a young boy and hastily wrapped it up. He hands him the present...and as Tony unwraps it, he explains that it's an old instrument that the seamen of yore used to navigate ships. Tony mulls that over for a few seconds and decides it's a pretty cool gift, thanks Santa Stubing, and scampers off to show the makeshift gift to his orphan buddies. Audrey tells Paul that after the cruise she plans to blow a whole lot of cash on a new furniture set for their living room, and he's like, "I see your furniture set and raise you a clown suit that I'm going to wear to work from now on." Audrey chuckles at that self-sabotaging inanity and says that lately she finds him delightfully hilarious, and he compliments her beauty before planting a big smooch on her lips. Santa Stubing returns to his office, where his crew has been waiting to bellow, "Merry Christmas!" When he stares at them in shock and asks whassup with them being in his office all cheery and festive, they explain that they were feeling sorry for themselves for having to work during the holidays instead of being with their families - but then realized that, in fact, they all have two families...and that as captain he's the head of their Love Boat family. Santa Stubing gets all verklempt and tells them he's soooo proud to have them on his crew, but even prouder to count them as friends. When they give him his present, he happily breaks the 'no present exchange rule' by going into his desk drawer and pulling out a stack of wrapped goodies for them. Audrey sings Christmas carols in the dining room as the passengers arrive for the big turkey dinner. Walter intercepts Dan as he enters the dining room and sheepishly informs him that since he didn't shoot him earlier, he decided to contact the LAPD, plans to make a full confession of his crimes, and will ensure that he (Dan) gets his law license reinstated. Lila's all, "Hooray!" and thanks him, then steers Dan over to the captain's table to dig into the turkey dinner. Doc tells Father Mike that a bunch of stuff was collected for the orphanage...and when Gopher asks where they should send it, Tony suggests they just give it to Captain Stubing, since he visits the orphanage every month to say hey to all the kids and do fun stuff like take them out to ballgames. Julie suddenly realizes that Captain Stubing must be the mysterious donor who finances the orphans' cruise tickets every Christmas, but he doesn't admit to that and lightheartedly bellows, "Bah humbug!" The next day, Lila and Dan thank Gopher for a great cruise, and Dan is all smiles and declares that today is the first day of the rest of his life. Audrey and Paul, meanwhile, have decided they now love all the things they once hated about each other and are no longer desperate to be divorced...which, er, OK. The orphans give Captain Stubing a bottle of champagne as a thank you gift for his kindness...and as the crew wonders aloud how in blazes the kids got their hands on a bottle of alcohol, one of the boys says, "Where there's a will there's a way" while two other boys - one atop another's shoulders with a long coat over them to look unconvincingly like a fully grown man - ambles off the ship. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "Dear Beverly / The Strike / Special Delivery" Original airdate: 12/2/1977 Episode summary: Captain Stubing quarrels with the ship's arrogant new chef, which leads to a general strike of the kitchen staff. An advice columnist is pressured into putting her career on the back burner in order to placate her insecure husband. An estranged couple reunites moments before their baby is born. Guest starring: Recap: As cartloads of cooking ware gets wheeled aboard the ship, Julie explains to a bemused Isaac and Gopher that since their usual chef has appendicitis, he's being temporarily replaced by the imperious Chef Antonio Borga...who, a few seconds later, makes his grand entrance. Chef Borga tut tuts Julie for being waaaaay too skinny to attract a mate, and promises that with the right amount of fettuccine, he can get her fattened up in no time. Julie ignores his slim-shaming and cheerfully assures him that he's going to greatly enjoy feeding the masses on this voyage, not least 'cause the ship is generally awesome and is staffed with a helpful crew - and Chef Borga interjects by sniping, "And a jackass for a captain." Captain Stubing, who's standing close enough to overhear that snub, growlingly demands, "What did you say?", and Chef Borga responds by telling the crew that he has nothing but disdain for their captain on account of he once added ketchup to his bouillabaisse. Egads! Captain Stubing wryly adds that the ketchup did nothing to improve the horrendousness of his nasty cooking, then informs the crew that he plans on eating TV dinners as long as Borga is going to be serving as the ship's chef [who he presumably signed on off on hiring]. Travel agent Jeff Smith saunters aboard the ship, kisses Julie on the cheek, and tells her that, yep, he's taking yet another Pacific Princess cruise 'cause he's in the process of putting together a holiday package for the airlines. He then ambles off in such a dejected fashion that Julie can't help wondering aloud to Gopher whaddup with his glumness, then wistfully points out that he used to be "such a live wire". Gopher says he heard on the grapevine that Jeff recently split with his wife...and as an intrigued Julie chews on that fascinating nugget, Gopher's all, "Mmm hmm.." and asks her if she's into the idea of tapping that, and she snarkishly tells him to get lost. [I'll take that as a yes.] Two elderly women are gushing at columnist Beverly Blanchard about how they always read her Dear Beverly advice column and never miss her afternoon TV show. Beverly breezily says it's soooo lovely to meet them as Gopher does his best to steer her away from the pesky fans...and while her husband, Russ, mills around a few feet away, looking visibly irked. When the elderly women fail to take the hint and continue peppering Beverly with advice-related questions, Gopher tells them to put a pin in it until Beverly's lecture on Sunday, then ushers her further away and obliviously tells Russ he also needs to step off...then sheepishly apologizes when Russ explains that he's Mr. Blanchard (aka Beverly's far less interesting other half). Doc encounters a pregnant passenger, who introduces herself as Gail Smith...and when he says he hopes that she and Mr. Smith have a great cruise vacation, she glumly explains that there is no Mr. Smith travelling with her. She cryptically adds that she made a big mistake with that whole thing, then sadly lumbers off to settle into her cabin. Beverly assures her husband that they're going to have a fantastic vacation...and when he just grunts in reply, she chides him for his grouchiness and tells him to just sit back and enjoy the cruise. Russ grumbles about how he'd enjoy it a lot more if he were paying for it and not freeloading off of her success, and she [refrains from calling him out for his insultingly misogynist attitude and] reminds him that in exchange for her doing one measly lecture on Sunday, they've been given free cruise tickets. Russ points out that he's perfectly capable of paying for them to take a cruise that doesn't entail her having to interact with her fan base - but she insists that she loves her work...as she does him, and tries to appease him with a big smooch. He responds by tossing her atop the bed and moaning about how much he'd loooooove to get it on with her right here and now, and she says that while she'd loooooove that too, she has an advice column to type up. She urges him to go on deck for some sun and fun and promises that she'll be along shortly, and he mumbles, "Yeah, OK, whatever" and shuffles off. Beverly sits down at her desk and reads aloud a letter from an advice seeker: a heavyset woman has no idea what to do about her son, who seems to enjoy wearing her dresses. She mulls that over for a few seconds before flippantly exclaiming, "Go on a diet!" and types up her full response. During dinner, Chef Borga looks incensed as he spies on Captain Stubing, who's dousing the gourmet dinner he's just been served with many spoonfuls of ketchup. Beverly and Russ enter the dining room and run into another couple waiting to be seated. The wife gushes to Beverly about how much she looooooves her column and that her goal while on this cruise is to meet lots of new people. Beverly perks up at the prospect of being wanked all through dinner and asks Russ if he too would be interested in dining with a couple they just met two seconds ago, and he graciously tells her he'd be delighted. Jeff moans to Julie about his string of failed relationships, imminent divorce, and generally messed up life...and after he gives her a half-hearted smooch, she tells him she gets the strong sense that his heart isn't really into hooking up with her. Jeff assures her that while she's a fantastic gal, he's still hopeless hung up on his wife Gail...who we can safely assume is (not coincidentally) the same Gail Smith Doc was chatting with earlier. Gail is dining with Doc, Gopher, and Isaac, who somehow get on the topic of blurting out name suggestions for her unborn baby. When Gopher suggests the name Jeff, and contemplates how the full name of Jeff Smith would sound - uh, pretty darn vanilla, in my opinion - Gail gets visibly upset and flees the dining room. Doc races after her, finds her sobbing against the railing of the deck, and asks if there's anything he can do to help...and she leans against him and sobs about how Jeff Smith is the name of her soon-to-be ex-husband, with whom she's still hopelessly in love and who has no idea she's even pregnant 'cause he walked out on her to shack up with another woman long before she started showing. Yep, a real keeper. The next day by the pool area, Beverly apologizes to Russ for neglecting him earlier and explains that she was working on her new book...and Russ is all, "Wuh? A book now?" and self-piteously says she should have just brought a photo of him if she felt like she needed his company aboard this cruise [which sounds like kind of a win-win, given his general aura of sourpussedness.] Beverly chides him for spoiling their vacation with his pissy 'tude and reminds him that it's been a long time since they've been able to get away together...and he mulls that over before suggesting he head over to the bar and get the two of them some cocktails to enjoy. Russ orders two cocktails from Isaac, then heads back to Beverly, who's suddenly holding court with a gaggle of fawning women. Russ tries to get her attention by waving one of the drinks at her, looks peeved when she fails to notice, and decides to wander over to a nearby seating area. He encounters a pretty young blonde named Peggy who remarks on what a popular wife he has, and Russ wryly agrees and offers her Beverly's cocktail. The two elderly women who were gushing over Beverly earlier notice Russ keeping company with the attractive young woman who's not Beverly, and take it upon themselves to march over and purse smack him. Chef Borga is above deck and tossing the kitchen's entire ketchup supply into the ocean when Captain Stubing races over and is all, "The fuck you doin'?" Chef Borga pissily retorts that he can swim for his ketchup if he wants to disgrace his cooking, then whines about the challenge of creating edible masterpieces for hundreds of passengers every day. Captain Stubing points out that his role of commanding a ship is far more complicated than being head of the kitchen staff...and the two bicker back and forth in an incoherent snipefest before Chef Borga storms off. Julie is hanging out in the ship's casino with Jeff as he glumly plays one of the slot machines. She urges him to do something about getting back together with his wife if that's what he wants, but he grumbles about how he burned that bridge and highly doubts that Gail would ever forgive him for cheating on her. He then gives up on the slot machine and ambles off with Julie...and a few seconds later, Gail enters the casino with Doc and starts playing the same slot machine and miraculously wins a jackpot on her first try. During dinner at the Captain's table that evening, Beverly is regaling the other diners with various stories while Russ poutishly eats, but then perks up when Peggy arrives and seats herself next to him. Beverly tells Captain Stubing that she'd sure love some chocolate soufflé for dessert, but can't find it on the menu, so Captain Stubing summons Gopher over and orders him to make a special request of the chef. A few seconds later, Gopher returns and tells him that Chef Borga told him where he can shove his special dessert request, so the captain storms into the kitchen to confront Borga about his insubordination. When Chef Borga stubbornly refuses to make the dessert, Captain Stubing derisively refers to him as "a short order cook", and Borga gasps in horror and demands an apology for that insult, then warns that this will be the last meal he's cooking aboard this ship if he doesn't get apologized to asap. Captain Stubing refuses and heads back to his table and fibs to Beverly that the chocolate soufflé is a no-go 'cause there's currently a ship-wide chocolate shortage. Beverly assures him it's fine, then suddenly notices that Russ is no longer at the table...and when she's all, "Where in blazes did my husband disappear to?", the other diners at the table give her a funny look as they tell her he left, and that she must not remember absently saying goodbye to him when he departed with Leggy Peggy. Isaac heads to the upper deck to deliver a drink - but when he notices Russ and Peggy sitting together on a pool lounger and sucking face, he's all, "Ack!" and hastily sneaks back down the staircase. Isaac dishes to Gopher about how he just saw Russ kissing another woman, and Gopher contorts his face into an expression of shock and calls him "a rotten creep". Isaac argues that it's Beverly's own fault for neglecting her husband...while Gopher wrings his hands about whether or not he should enlighten Beverly about her husband's extramarital shenanigans, to which Isaac chuckles and says it sounds like a problem for Dear Beverly. A despondent looking Jeff is wandering around the deck, smoking his pipe. He dejectedly ambles off camera - just as Gail and Doc stroll over. She suddenly starts sobbing and explains to Doc that she's so distraught about losing Jeff that she thought she smelled his tobacco pipe just now...then laments pushing him into the arms of another woman and robbing her baby of the opportunity of knowing its father. An impatient Doc tells her she's not solving her life problems by railing to him about all this and strongly urges her to call Jeff pronto to 1) tell him she's totally fine with turning a blind eye to his philandering, and 2) inform him that - surprise! - he's about to become a daddy. Gail mulls that over and decides 'ah, why the fuck not?' As Beverly delivers a lecture to her many fans, Gopher notices Russ once again keeping company with Peggy on the deck above them. During the Q&A period of the lecture, Gopher asks Beverly for advice about a witty and charming "friend" who isn't paying enough attention to her giant baby of a husband, who's reacting to all the time she's devoting to building a successful career by revenge-canoodling another woman. Beverly says that if this "friend" has the audacity to spend time away from her husband, she needs to just suck it up when he turns to another woman for attention...then glances up and notices Russ and Peggy yukking it up on the deck above. Julie pleads with Captain Stubing to - for the love of all that is holy - swallow his pride for the few seconds it's going to take to apologize to Chef Borga for the short order cook crack, given that he's ready to walk off the job with the entire kitchen staff. Captain Stubing refuses to cave in to Borga's demand and says he can handle a kitchen worker strike...and in the next scene is in the kitchen, kneading a ginormous wad of dough, while Julie, Isaac, Doc, and Gopher ineptly assist with the rest of the dinner prep. They all look frazzled...and when Doc burns the pork to a crisp, Julie snarls about how inane it is for the captain to not just apologize to Chef Borga, not least 'cause this idiotic situation is mostly unfair to the passengers, who paid good money for this cruise and are going to be expecting something decent to eat at dinnertime. A few seconds later, Chef Borga enters the kitchen looking delightedly smug at how badly the crew is struggling. Captain Stubing says he assumes he's here to apologize, and Chef Borga says in fact he came to receive an apology...and after Captain Stubing defiantly storms out, the chef informs the crew that if they expect him to return to the job, he's going to need that apology in writing. Once he leaves the kitchen and is out of earshot, Julie tells Gopher, Isaac, and Doc that what this situation calls for is some easy-to-commit acts of forgery. Julie hands Chef Borga a written apology, forged with the captain's signature, and he grins happily and says he'd be more than happy to return to the kitchen. As that's happening, Isaac hands Captain Stubing a written apology, forged with Chef Borga's signature...and a few seconds later, the four run into each other in a corridor, where the captain and chef exchange smug grins before carrying on with their assigned duties. Russ enters his cabin while Beverly is typing up her column. She hastily explains that she's in the process of writing to her fans about how she's going to be out of commission for awhile so that she can vacation in peace with her fragile-egoed suck of a husband. She emphasizes that she doesn't want to lose him, then anxiously asks if it's too late for her to get back in line... and he chuckles and gives her hug while assuring her he loves her, especially now that she's willing to put her career on the back burner strictly to appease him. Chef Borga is back in the kitchen, happily cooking up a storm, when Captain Stubing drops in to express his great relief at everything being back to normal. He tells the chef it was big of him to apologize in writing, and Chef Borga's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and says as far as he understands, he was the one who was apologized to in writing. The two produce their apology letters, both denying that they wrote the letters...and Julie and Isaac declare that they're off to track down the forger. LOL. Chef Borga yells at Captain Stubing for having the temerity to be in his kitchen, to which the captain reminds him that the kitchen is part of his ship. He starts to stomp off, then decides that this nonsensical feud has long run its course and apologizes for his assholery this episode...and Julie and Isaac, who have been eavesdropping on the conversation, grin in happily relief. Gail tells Doc she tried calling Jeff and learned that he's currently on a work trip. Doc points out that that checks out, given that he's a travel agent and frequently goes on work trips...and Gail says she's choosing to believe that explanation instead of picturing him in the sack with another woman. Jeff tells Julie he's decided to contact Gail to tell her he just can't quit her and wants to resume their marriage. Julie squeals happily and hugs him - just as Gail notices the two of them through a window. A few seconds later, she goes into labor...and Jeff glances through the window, sees her writhing in pain, and rushes over exclaiming, "Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" He explains to Doc that he's Gail's [shitbag of a] husband, and Doc's like 'whatever' and says they need to get Gail to his exam room pronto so he can deliver their baby, and Jeff scoops Gail into his arms and coos about how much he looooooves her. Doc is doing his best to deliver Gail's spawn while Jeff holds his wife's hand and tells her he stayed away for so long 'cause he too proud [and too much of a total douchewad] to own up to brazenly cheating on her once the going got tough. As that's happening, the anxious looking crew is pacing in the adjacent waiting room, wondering aloud if Doc is actually a real doctor...and if he's ever delivered a baby before. Captain Stubing enters the waiting room, also expressing anxiety about Doc's medical credentials as he hopes that the birthing process is running as smoothly as possible. Inside the exam room, Doc urges Gail to push one last time...and after she does, he announces: it's a boy! The crew look visibly relieved when they hear the baby's cries and decide that Doc is most likely, probably a real doctor after all. Even though he seems to spend the bulk of his time aboard the ship chasing the hottest tail he can get. As this episode's passengers begin to depart the ship, Doc runs into Peggy and is all, "Mmm...you're hot. How is it that we didn't hook up?" and ushers her off to the side [no doubt to squeeze in a doctor-passenger smooch after having to hang with a despondent pregnant woman all cruise]. The two elderly Dear Beverly fans witness the flirtitude and chide him for being a shameless sex fiend. Beverly and Russ thank Gopher for a fun cruise and cheerfully go on their merry way. Captain Stubing tells Chef Borga he can sail with him anytime and that he loooooved the chocolate soufflé he whipped up for him the other night. Chef Borga beams at the compliment, jokes that ketchup was a key ingredient in the soufflé, then happily skips off the ship. Jeff tells Gail he's coming home so that he can resume being her husband and start being a father to their son. They smooch while the crew coos over their newborn...and Gail thanks Doc for the safe delivery of her son, while Jeff thanks Julie for being such a great marriage counsellor...and for so easily passing on an impromptu hookup with him, 'cause for a minute it looked like where that storyline was headed. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "The Captain's Captain / Dog's Life / Romance Roulette" Original airdate: 11/25/1977 Episode summary: Captain Stubing is stressed out when his belligerent father boards the ship for a cruise vacation. Three gals who reunite after their college years indulge in a dating game that ends with true love. A German Shepherd terrorizes one of the ship's passengers. Guest starring: Recap: Julie and Doc are at their welcome post, waiting to cheerily greet this episode's passengers. The first to arrive is Don Flanders, who yells, "So long rat race!" at the world he's about to leave behind for the next week, addresses Julie as "fun", and asks her what time the festivities start. Julie tells him he's free to start enjoying all the fun and sun that the ship has to offer now that she's officially checked him in (aka given him his assigned cabin number), and he happily scampers off to change into his swim trunks. Gopher rushes over to inform Julie and Doc that security just called to report one of their guard dogs missing and asks if, by chance, either of them has seen a German Shepherd aimlessly trotting around the ship. Doc jokes that the only barking he's been hearing lately has come from Captain Stubing, and Julie explains that their boss is extra testy today 'cause his dad is going to be aboard this cruise, and apparently he's a retired naval captain and obnoxious buttinsky. A few seconds later, Merrill Stubing, Sr. reports for his vacation...and when Captain Stubing rushes over to greet his pa, he barks, "Now stow my gear! Ready my cabin! And I'll meet you in your quarters at 1300 hours!" After he marches off to get himself settled, Captain Stubing picks up his pa's luggage, then decides 'ah fuck it' and hands it off to Gopher to deal with. Beth Luckner sees her gal pal, Toby Chapman, in the lobby area and screechingly rushes over to greet her hello...and the two excitedly gabble while Gopher attempts to catch their names so that he can check them in. The third friend of this college reunion, Regina Parker, shrieks happily and joins in with the banter as Gopher haplessly stands by with his clipboard - until Toby finally takes a break from prattling to complain to her friends that they've been waiting forever for "this clown" to give them their assigned cabin numbers. Merrill Sr. reports to his son's office and chastises him for spending too little time on the bridge. Captain Stubing assures his dad that he knows what he's doing, as does his deputy captain - but Merrill Sr. grumbles that when he was a captain, he never trusted his ship to anyone...and irrelevantly adds that they didn't win the big war sitting in their cabins. Captain Stubing points out that this is a cruise ship not a war ship, and that World War II (assuming that's the war he's talking about) has been over for more than thirty years. A few seconds later, Gopher enters the office to sheepishly inform his boss that the ship is currently having engine issues, and Merrill Sr. kind of perks up at that inside tidbit and offers his services to diagnose and fix the malfunction. Don Flanders has changed into his swim trunks and is eager to start enjoying his vacation when he notices a very large German Shepherd sitting atop his bed, making growling noises. He's all, "Say huh?", then coos, "Nice doggie" as he attempts to edge past the pooch - but she responds by racing over to the door and barking ferociously [despite a whole lot of tail wagging] ... and Don's all, "Ack!" and flees to the safety of the bathroom. Regina is sitting in her cabin, chillin' with some Lord Byron literature, when Toby and Beth burst in and suggest that the three of them go above deck, catch some rays, and play romance roulette, aka a horrible pick-up game that was apparently of great amusement to them during their college years. Regina rolls her eyes and says she thought they gave up that nonsense now that they're rapidly steaming towards middle age - but Toby argues that there's nothing immature or dickish about picking up random guys, having their way with them, then heartlessly dumping them like yesterday's news. Beth concurs wholeheartedly and decrees, "We're playing romance roulette and that's that." Toby, Beth, and Regina are seated above deck, enjoying some drinks, when Toby decides that the code word for this round of romance roulette will be screwdriver, meaning the three of them will be required to pick up the first three [presumably single] men who order a screwdriver at the nearby bar Isaac is tending. A few seconds later, Doc wanders over and asks Isaac for a refill of this orange juice/vodka concoction that a passenger is drinking...and Beth squeals excitedly before making a beeline over to the bar to ask Doc to specify the actual name of the drink he just ordered. While Doc mutely contemplates his response, a short, bespectacled dork named Morton bounds over and orders a screwdriver...and Beth stares over at him in dismay before she gets the romance roulette ball rolling by half-heartedly using the 'haven't we met someplace before?' pick-up line on him. As the two amble off to get better acquainted, Toby bounds over and achieves success in getting Doc to utter the word screwdriver, and he perks up at her sassy flirtitude and offers to show her his cabin...'cause, yeah, why not spend the day boning an attractive passenger instead of serving as the ship's only doctor when that's what you're being paid to do? Regina is alone by the bar when the ship's plumber, a blue collar hottie named Frank Vallone, walks over with his toolbox to fix Isaac's sink. He kneels onto the floor and asks Regina/whoever might be within earshot to hand him a screwdriver...and she puts the tool in his hand - but then refuses to let it go until he meets her smitten gaze, stares smittenly back at her, and introduces himself. Don opens his bathroom door and uses a coat hanger to try to drag the telephone towards him - but the commotion wakes the German Shepherd, who angrily barks at Don before grabbing the phone's receiver in her jaws. A terrified Don once again flees to the safety of his bathroom. While entering the dining room, Merrill Sr. rips Captain Stubing a new one about the ship being off-course by half a degree. Captain Stubing explains that these days, that kind of stuff is all controlled by a new-fangled device called a computer - but Merrill Sr. dismissively barks about how there isn't a computer in the world that can match a human mind, and points out that Columbus never used a computer. The two then arrive at the captain's table, where Merrill Sr. insists on sitting in the captain's chair...and Captain Stubing wearily indulges him. Doc enters the dining room with Toby on his arm...and elsewhere in the room, Beth is dining with Morton, who happily tells her that his co-workers are never going to believe the kind of tail he's been gettin' on this cruise. Isaac delivers an Irish coffee to Regina's cabin, and she asks him about Frank the Plumber and how she might get in touch with him. Isaac gives her the number of the ship's maintenance department and adds that Frank is on duty tonight...and Regina stares dreamily into space. Don wakes up from sleeping in the bathtub all night, then opens the door and attempts to tiptoe past the German Shepherd. She immediately becomes alert and starts barking at him to get his ass back inside the bathroom...which he does - but not before he's able to grab the telephone, take it into the bathroom with him, and urgently call for help. Captain Stubing complains to his crew that his dad is driving him fuckin' nuts and implores them to think of something that'll keep him out of his hair...and when the crew stares at his bald head in amusement, he growls, "Dooooon't say it." LOL. A few seconds later, he runs into Merrill Sr., who snappishly reminds him that it's impossible to run the ship from the Lido deck...and as Captain Stubing makes a run for it, the crew grabs Merrill Sr. and tries to engage him in a game of ping-pong. When that fails to interest him, he announces that he's off to the bridge to micromanage the job of his grown son - but then is physically restrained by the crew...and during the scuffle, Isaac accidentally (?) spills a glass of tomato juice all over his shirt. It finally penetrates Merrill Sr.'s thick skull that all of their antics is a desperate attempt to keep him from bugging the shit out of his son while he's trying to work, so he says he'll somehow refrain from acting as though he's the ship's captain and is off to figure out a way to clean his stained shirt. A few seconds later, Gopher runs over to report that a passenger has been trapped in his cabin all night 'cause the missing guard dog - who's been accidentally located, by the way - is refusing to let him leave. Gopher, Isaac, and Julie then rush over to Don Flanders' cabin - but are unable to get past the growling pooch. Toby and Beth tease Regina about how Frank must be pretty hot stuff to keep her so intrigued, but Regina says she wouldn't know 'cause she can't spend time with him while he's on call, and he's not allowed to mingle with the passengers. Toby mulls that over for a few seconds before picking up the phone and calling the maintenance department to report that she just dropped her ring in the sink and needs a plumber asap...and then she and Beth cacklingly scamper off to let nature take its course. Merrill Sr. enters the ship's kitchen, where a cantankerous kitchen worker tells him that the area is off limits to passengers and that he needs to scram. He explains that he's looking for some sea salt to clean his stained shirt, then chides her for not properly addressing him as [a former] captain. She retorts by throwing salt at him and calling him Buster...and when Merrill Sr. warns that her sassy 'tude could get her fired, she snarls, "Aw, blow it out yer ear" and says she couldn't give two shits what he tells to whom, on account of she's being forced to retire once this cruise is over. She then tears up and complains about being "thrown out for fish bait" when she's in the prime of her life, and Merrill Sr. says he can totally empathize, having been recently forced into retirement himself. She introduces herself as P.J. Muldoon, and warns him to not get any fresh ideas about the PJ part of her name, and he grins and tells her she can call him by his nickname, Stubby...which, nope, I'm not going to bring myself to do in this recap. Frank is unable to find Regina's "lost" ring in the drain, then notices that she's actually wearing what he assumes is the ring in question on her finger. She apologizes for the false alarm...and he's like, "No worries" and starts to head out - until he notices her Lord Byron book. He tells her that Byron is his favorite and that he dabbles in writing poetry from time to time, and Regina perks up at that and tells him that as an English professor she'd loooooove to read his work some time. He tells her he gets off duty at 10pm and usually goes above deck for some fresh air, and Regina's all, "Kewl!" and agrees to meet up with him later. Gopher and Isaac are attempting to rescue Don by distracting the German Shepherd with some meat on a stick - but the dog aggressively eats the meet, along with half of the stick. The two halfwits are all, "Ack!" and decide they're going to need to come up with Plan B and race off. Merrill Sr and P.J. are playing gin in the kitchen until she announces she has to start peeling the potatoes, and Merrill Sr. offers to stay and peel along with her. Later, Regina meets up with Frank, and he shyly pulls a piece of paper from his pocket that has one of his poems written on it and reads it aloud to her. It's a fairly short lament about being a plumber by day and poet at night, and Regina calls it beautiful and asks if she can keep it...and he says she can if she's willing to pay the price: one dance. She eagerly agrees, and the two start swaying together and looking very into each other. Beth, meanwhile, is awkwardly dancing with the much shorter Morton and wanking him about awesome he is, and if he could please kiss her. Morton gushes about how truly amaaaaaazed he continues to be that he's getting any action aboard this cruise, then uses the steps of the ship's railing to lift himself to her height before planting a big smooch on her lips. Merrill Sr. and P.J. emerge from the ship's movie theater, and walk hand-in-hand while looking very much in love. The next morning, Frank tells Regina, who spent the night in his cabin, how amazingly coincidental it is that they happened to meet while he was fixing Isaac's sink, and adds that he's never fallen for a passenger before. He says he's soooo not into the idea of reporting for work today, and the two lock lips and smooch for what seems like a really loooooong time. Doc, Isaac, Gopher, and the Captain launch Plan B: Operation Drug the German Shepherd With Sirloin Containing a Powerful Tranquilizer. Unfortunately, they fail to inform Don that the drugged meat is for the dog and not him, so when Don spots the tasty sirloin steak that seemed to magically appear inside his cabin, he sneaks it into the bathroom, polishes it off, then looks really woozy before passing out cold. The crew's all, "Ack!" and rush off to formulate what I can only assume will be an ill-conceived Plan C. Merrill Sr. drops by the kitchen to visit P.J. and gush about how gorgeous she's looking with the yellow flower in her hair, and she stammers about how bad she is at taking compliments - especially from men with whom she's becoming hopelessly smitten. Mmm hmm.. Julie tells Captain Stubing that Don Flanders is going to be furious at being trapped in his cabin for most of the cruise, and Captain Stubing just kind of shrugs disinterestedly and tells her that he spoke with the SPCA in Mazatlan, and that they promised to dispatch an animal control expert to come aboard the ship, armed with a tranquilizer gun. Julie apologizes for the predicament Don is in - but Captain Stubing says it's not her fault, then swiftly changes the subject by crediting her with keeping his dad away far away from him. Julie says she can't take credit for that 'cause Merrill Sr. has been keeping company with a new lady friend he's invited to dine at the captain's table this evening. Later, Merrill Sr. enters the dining room with P.J. on his arm and steers her over to the captain's table...and an aghast looking Captain Stubing's all, "The fuck?" and says he's extremely uncomfortable with mixing the downstairs people with the upstairs people. Merrill Sr. snarkishly retorts that, in that case, he and his new girlfriend will enjoy their dinner in the privacy of his cabin. Beth and Toby are above deck, discussing the imminent dumping of the men they picked up during this cruise. They agree that Regina really got into the swing of romance roulette with the ship's plumber, but hope she finds a nice, "literate way" to dump him without crushing his soul too hard. After they scamper off, Frank, who has overheard their conversation from underneath a nearby stairwell, is staring despondently into space when Regina suddenly rushes over. She apologizes for her lateness, but he just brusquely barks, "See you around" ... and when she's all, "Wha-a-a?", he coldly says that sure they had some fun-filled nights, but "enough's enough". He then storms off, leaving a bewildered Regina staring confusedly after him. Captain Stubing drops by his father's cabin to apologize for his snobbery in the dining room just now, but then back pedals when he asks why in blazes he couldn't have found someone more suitable for a man of his station in life. Merrill Sr. reminds him that since he's a retired sea captain and not the Prince of Wales, he went out and found someone he likes and who fits into his life, and has proposed marriage. Captain Stubing's all, "Say what?!" and says that while he's glad he found a woman he likes, it's fairly idiotic to marry any woman after only knowing her for a couple of days. Merrill Sr. stubbornly says he's marrying P.J. - with or without his blessing - and that he's A-OK with them staying out of each others' lives from now on. When Captain Stubing storms out, P.J., who was eavesdropping on the conversation from behind a big curtain, says that maybe the captain is right about her lowly status as a kitchen worker, and urges him to find someone else...and says this as though Merrill Sr. somehow has endless options for attracting female companionship. The animal control expert is about to shoot the wayward German Shepherd with his tranquilizer gun when Don shouts, "Don't shoot!" and urges him and the crew inside his cabin. They're all, "Awwww!" at the sight of the no longer fearsome pooch with her newly delivered puppies, and Don says he's proudly named them after each Love Boat crew member. Beth and Toby storm into Frank's cabin to admonish him for breaking Regina's heart, and he explains that he simply beat her to the punch, then sourly asks if that isn't how they play their cruel romance roulette game. After they exchange sheepish glances, Toby assures him that Regina really really likes him - just as Regina bursts into the room, looking visibly annoyed that her gal pals have taken it upon themselves to chastise Frank on her behalf. She kicks them out of the room, apologizes to Frank for their behavior, and says she just stopped in to say goodbye. Frank grumbles about being of the butt of the romance roulette joke, and she's shocked that he knows all about that and assures him that whatever transpired between them wasn't a game. She adds that she doesn't want to lose him - but can't seem to put her feelings into words, and he chuckles about how cute it is that an English professor is speechless, then blurts out, "I love you." Regina professes her love in return, and the two agree that truth is far more awesome than playing silly mind games with the opposite gender. Captain Stubing asks Julie if she happens to know where his dad is, and she sourly tells him that P.J. dumped him, and that they're both miserable as a result. Captain Stubing looks troubled by that development, then asks her to please ensure that his dad is invited to dine at his table this evening. During dinner, a dejected looking Merrill Sr. is dining at the captain's table when P.J. makes an unexpected appearance in a pretty pink ensemble, and is saluted by Captain Stubing for her many years of service as a kitchen grunt. She happily tells him that she'd be delighted to become his stepmother...and Merrill Sr. perks up at that remark, and beams happily as Captain Stubing toasts their impending nuptials and wishes them many happy years together. Doc tells Toby he heard about the whole code word screwdriver dating game and assumes he's getting kicked to the curb now...and Toby's like, "Uh, d'yuh" and thanks him for being such a good sport about it. Beth, meanwhile, is wanking Morton about his awesomeness...and, for some odd reason, it doesn't look as though she's ready to dump Little Sexy anytime soon. Frank tells Regina he found her missing ring...and when she's all, "Wha-a-a-a?", he presents her with an engagement ring. She reacts by happily kissing him, and I'll take that as a yes to his ridiculous proposal of marriage, given that he's known her for less than a week. Merrill Sr. and P.J. bid adieu to the crew and promise Captain Stubing that they'll keep in touch. Merrill Sr. says that he and his new bride are going to be living in San Pedro, which means if the Pacific Princess ever has troubling docking, he can be reached on the radio. Captain Stubing looks alarmed for a moment, then asks him if he knows what frequency they work on...and when Merrill Sr. stares blankly into space and says he has no idea, Captain Stubing happily says, "Let's keep it that way." Julie apologizes profusely to Don Flanders for being trapped inside his cabin for most of the cruise and gives him a free ticket for a second cruise. Don generously says it wasn't all bad: he got a lot of sleep, and lost thirteen pounds. He then summons his new pet, the now-friendly German Shepherd, who trots behind him carrying a basket in her mouth that contains her newborn pups...and as the camera pans in on that display of intense cuteness, the crew chuckles joyously. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "The Understudy / Married Singles / Lost & Found" Original airdate: 11/19/1977 Episode summary: Julie is tasked with showing the ropes to a trainee, who quickly conspires to replace her as cruise director. A couple in mourning over the death of their son shows kindness to a child travelling solo. A husband and wife attempting to take separate vacations decide they really want to be monogamous after all. Guest starring: Recap: Julie tells Isaac, Gopher, and Doc that she's been tasked with breaking in a cruise director trainee and asks them to please do their best to refrain from acting like horny assclowns in front of her. A few seconds later, the trainee - a predictably attractive young woman named Connie Evans - wanders over and introduces herself...but before Isaac, Gopher, and Doc can slobber over her for very long, Captain Stubing saunters over to introduce himself to the fresh meat. Connie gushes about how grateful she is for this opportunity and calls Julie the best cruise director currently afloat...and a visibly smitten Captain Stubing nods approvingly at her enthusiasm. As he heads off, Connie covertly stares longingly after him. A married couple travelling separately - Maisie Nolan and Durwood Moss - get into a scrap about who was in line first to check in Gopher...and, by scripted coincidence, they're assigned to cabins that end up being next door to each other. Womp womp! Julie shows Connie the ropes as the two fawn over a couple (Richard and Sharon Baker) who hail from Julie's hometown. Connie remarks that this town sounds like a great place to raise kids and asks if they have any, and Sharon contorts her face into a look of anguish, then flees. Richard sadly explains that they used to have an eight year old, then leaves it at that and rushes off after his wife...and then Julie rushes off after the both of them to offer as much saccharine-fuelled comfort as she can muster. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing wanders over and tells Connie she must be a very good student if Julie left her to fend for herself, and Connie fibs about how Julie blurted out something hurtful to a passenger and ran off after them to try to make amends. Captain Stubing looks surprised and says it's very unlike Julie to be anything other than cartoonishly perky 24/7, and Connie just shrugs and says that even the best cruise directors slip up from time to time. Doc asks Gopher for Connie's cabin number in the event that she has some kind of attack in the middle of the night, but Gopher refuses to disclose that information and says he has just one last passenger to check in: Theodore Dennison, Jr. A little voice identifies himself as Theodore, explains that his parents won't be accompanying him, and that he saved up enough money for the cruise from his paper route. Doc and Gopher look skeptical and ask for his phone number so that they can verify this with his parents - but when the Captain toots a warning that the ship is about to set sail, they decide it's probably not a good idea to leave a little kid stranded by himself on the loading dock and escort him to his cabin. Durwood drops by Maisie's cabin to loudly ask if she packed his shorts, and she pulls him inside, tells him to shut it about his shorts, and reminds him that the marriage counsellor had recommended they take separate vacations...which I'm guessing didn't mean booking the same cruise and bunking in cabins situated next door to each other. She laments how romantic he used to be...and when he responds by canoodling her, she shoves him away and snarls that he can't make up for it now. She stares dreamily into space and says she wants a man to tell her she's wonderful, pretty, and desirable...and since it's clear that he can't seem to bring himself to wank her about her awesomeness on at least a semi-regular basis, she's going to find someone who can. Durwood reacts by retorting, "Two can play that game!" and storms out. Over in the dining room, Gopher and Doc have invited Theodore to dine at their table. Across the room, Sharon apologizes to Richard for her meltdown earlier...and he assures her it's not a problem, and then each agree that the other is the perfectest spouse in the entire world. Maisy arrives in the dining room and perks up when she sees that she's been assigned to table #9 - where a good looking man (named Jack) is seated. As Maisie smittenly greets him, Durwood joins the table, along with a giggly blonde sexpot named Barbie [who no doubt could have any man she wants, but is somehow content to spend most of the cruise hanging with a middle-aged dullard like Durwood Moss]. Theodore is having a delightful time with Doc and Gopher, loudly chortling at their jokes - but the sound of his laughter causes Sharon to once again contort her face into an expression of anguish. She tells Richard she suddenly has a migraine, so he gently points out that she can't run away everytime she hears a child laugh...and she's like, "Can too" and hastily gets up from the table and flees to their cabin. Gopher tells Captain Stubing that, despite a half-hearted effort, he's been unable to reach Theodore's parents. A few seconds later, Connie makes her grand entrance in the dining room decked out in a low-cut, thigh-baring glittery orange gown...and the crew is so astounded by her scantily clad form that Gopher falls face first in a cake, while Julie somehow collapses onto the floor. Captain Stubing storms over and imperiously asks Connie whassup with her slutty attire, so she tells him that Julie advised her to wear it and said it would make a good impression. She shrugs and says she assumes that Julie meant well, then heads off to change into something less revealing...and as Captain Stubing stares after her with perplexed irritation, Isaac - who has overheard the entire exchange - scrunches his face concernedly. Maise is having a fabulous time dancing with Jack, who's trying to interest her in an insurance policy she doesn't need. Durwood watches them from the table as Barbie natters at him about how much he reminds her of her father. Sharon is staring sadly at a photo of her late son when Richard returns to the cabin. He urges her to let Terry rest in peace and not grieve all day long every day, but she tearfully retorts that she can't seem to help herself. Richard reminds her that Terry had been born with a terminal condition his doctors didn't think was possible to survive past the age of two, then says she should be grateful that they had him for eight glorious years. Sharon angrily says she can't feel any amount of gratitude about losing her son, then composes herself and begins the task of unpacking their bags. Richard tells her he loves her, and she pleads, "Don't stop!" as the two hug and kiss. Captain Stubing and Gopher inform Theodore that they managed to reach his parents, who are worried sick about him running off. Theodore explains that he's splittin' the way they're talking about splittin' from each other and sadly says he doesn't feel as though he has a home anymore. Captain Stubing's like, "That's hogwash, son" and informs him that his parents will be meeting the ship in Puerto Vallarta in a couple of days to take him home...and when Theodore defiantly says he hopes that by that time he finds himself a different home, Captain Stubing scrunches his face in a perplexed 'say wuh?' type expression. Isaac tells Julie that he overheard Connie telling Captain Stubing that it was she (Julie) who advised her (Connie) to wear the risqué orange dress to dinner. Julie breezily says she can't possibly believe that a nice girl like Connie would tell such a brazen lie, then stupidly sticks her head back in the sand. Jack escorts Maisie back to her cabin and continues to natter at her about getting homeowner's insurance...and when Maisie notices that Durwood is eavesdropping on the conversation, she tries to make it look as though they're talking about the prospect of a vacation fling. When she bids goodnight to Jack, who really needs to fuckin' chillax about peddling insurance to fellow passengers, Maisie calls out Durwood for eavesdropping and pretends as though she had to fight to keep an amorous Jack out of her bed. Durwood chuckles and says it sounded more like he was trying to sell her on an insurance policy in the middle of the night, then predicts that nothing naughty is going to happen between her and Jack. Maisie sassily retorts by insisting that, by this time tomorrow, she and Jack will be getting it on. Theodore bangs on Richard's/Sharon's cabin, explains to the two that he had a nightmare, and asks if it's OK for him to hang out with them until he feels better. He adds that he's on this cruise alone 'cause he saved up for a ticket and is more than capable of taking care of himself...except, of course, when it comes to nightmares. Richard says it's OK with with him, then glances over at Sharon. As she contemplates befriending this friendly child stranger, Theodore lays it on thick about how his mom used to let him get into bed with her to give him added comfort, and Sharon looks slightly hesitant to open her heart to a child again, but then tells him it's fine. Gopher brags to Julie and Doc that he and Connie are seeing each other, and Doc's like, "That's weird. I thought she and I were seeing each other!" Isaac warns Julie that the two-timer is after her job to the point that she's willing to debase herself by dating dumbbells like Gopher and Doc. Doc mulls that over and now recalls that Connie had asked him if Julie has a long-term contract with the Pacific Princess, and Julie once again chooses to believe the best of Connie and chides her pals for their suspicious nature. Maisie is lounging poolside when Durwood comes over to tell her that he and Barbie have flirty plans for later. So there. Theodore runs into Sharon and Richard on one of the decks, earnestly tells them he's affectionate, hardworking, and would make a fantastic sibling for their son (whose photo he noticed in their cabin). Sharon sadly informs him that their son died, and Theodore kind of perks up at that and points out that since they're all somewhat orphan-like, he'd be a perfect addition to their family. Sharon and Richard stare back at him looking deeply touched. While getting dressed for dinner, Sharon waxes on to Richard about what a great kid Theodore is...and when Richard's like, "Well, yeah, but apparently he has parents who will soon be picking him up in Puerta Vallarta", Sharon refuses to face that reality 'cause she's convinced herself he's an orphan. A few seconds later, Theodore knocks on their cabin door, and the three head off to the dining room. Julie excitedly tells Isaac, Doc, and Gopher that her latest brilliant idea is to host a Wild West themed party, during which they can torture the passengers into wearing fake mustaches, plaid shirts, and cowboy hats. A few seconds later, Captain Stubing wanders over with Connie in tow and announces that Connie just told him about her brilliant idea to host a Wild West themed party, complete with fake mustaches, plaid shirts, and cowboy hats. As Julie's all, "The fuckity fuck?" and shoots an incredulous glare at Connie but doesn't call her out on so brazenly stealing her idea, Captain Stubing decrees that Connie, with whom he's looking increasingly smitten, shall be given free rein to handle all of the party arrangments. Richard breaks the news to Sharon and Theodore that no one from Theodore's family showed up to claim him in Puerta Vallarta. As Theodore hangs his head and looks crestfallen, Sharon reminds him he still has them...and Theodore runs over to her for a maternal hug. Captain Stubing is on the phone with Theodore's mom, who says she somehow got her wires crossed and didn't make it to Puerta Vallarta on time, but will for sure be in Mazatlan to pick up her runaway son. Captain Stubing assures her he's doing fine, and that he's been hanging with a nice young couple. As Sharon towels off Theodore after a swim, he asks if he can call her mom...and she looks startled by the request, then decides 'what could possibly be weird about that?' and gives him the green light. Julie, who's decked out as a sassy Wild West salon gal, drops by Connie's cabin to check in with her about the party arrangements and remind her that she'll be around all evening if she needs any help. When Connie bitchily remarks on how surprising it is that she's willing to help her out when she's so obviously after her job, Julie says she has the responsibility to the passengers and Captain Stubing to not just stand back and watch the party devolve into a disaster. Connie chortles and snarks, "I doubt you'll have that burden on your shoulders for much longer", smugly declares how close she and the captain are becoming, and shows her the bouquet of flowers he had delivered to her cabin...which strikes me as creepishly weird. A few seconds later, she gets a call from Gopher pretending to be Captain Stubing - a gag rife with some pretty wretched lip syncing and voice dubbing - requesting that tonight she wear the slutty orange dress [she had on the other night and got into big trouble for], and give some "special attention" to a passenger named Mr. Humbertson. Connie looks intrigued by the prospect of being pimped out by the ship's über boss as an appalled Julie storms out. Wild West party! Julie grumbles at the crew about what a cunty turncoat Connie has proven herself to be - just as Connie arrives wearing the risqué dress. As Julie stares at her in open incredulity, a chuckling Gopher tells her he impersonated Captain Stubing during a phone call and instructed her to wear that particular dress and flirt with a married male passenger. Connie sashays over to where Captain Stubing is chatting with Mr. Humbertson and flirtily chats up the guest, telling him he's every bit as cute as Merrill said he was. As a furious Captain Stubing glares at her, an oblivious Connie invites Mr. Humbertson to the upper deck for a private - mmm hmm - stroll. He informs her he's married - just as his wife arrives, and the two saunter off to their table. A visibly irked Captain Stubing hauls Connie out of the dining room and up to his office...and Julie watches the drama unfold while scrunching her face concernedly. Captain Stubing berates Connie for wearing the slutty gown when she was expressly told not to, and also for throwing herself at a married passenger like a dime store floozy. He snaps, "You're fired!" - just as Julie enters his office, tattles about how Connie was "sandbagged", and says that, during a phone call, an unnamed crew member imitated his voice and set Connie up so that she'd publicly embarrass herself. She explains that the crew pulled this stunt as a means of protecting her, given that Connie has been openly gunning for her job. Captain Stubing screeches about how utterly ridiculous that is, given that the twit is nowhere near qualified to do her job. After he haughtily storms out, a puzzled Connie tells Julie she can't grasp why she'd stick up for her after what she did, so Julie explains that she clearly has potential, and that she'd realize her full potential if she stops scheming and get down to the hard work of cruise directing. Connie sheepishly apologizes, says she has much to learn, and admits that she deserved being punked by the crew. As Julie concurs with that sentiment, Mr. Humbertson enters the room and tells Connie he ditched his wife for the evening and is now game for that above deck stroll now, which...ew. Durwood brings Barbie back to his cabin, but mistakes Maisie's cabin for his and is less than thrilled to see that Maisie is entertaining Jack in her cabin. He then brings Barbie to his cabin - but is much too distracted by what's going on next door to respond to Barbie's fondling attempts to get him into the sack. Maisie, similarly, can't get into her fling with Jack and tells him she can't engage in any sexcapades while her husband is in the cabin next door. Jack's all, "Your husband?", then says he wants no part of this kinky scene before beating a hasty retreat. The next morning, Durwood and Maisie exit their cabins at exactly the same time...and after each pretends to have greatly enjoyed last night's sex romp, they chuckle and admit that each was too jealous to bear the thought of each other getting it on with anyone outside the marriage. Durwood tells Maisie he loves her very much, and is going to make a point of telling her that every few seconds. He then saucily says he'd like to give her the kind of romance she came aboard this boat for...and the two race into her cabin for some martial hanky panky. Richard urges Sharon to face the truth about Theodore having parents who can care for him...and a few seconds later, Julie drops by with Mr. and Mrs. Dennison. They thank Sharon and Richard for taking Theodore under their wing - but Theodore cries, "She's not my mother!" and accuses his parents of not wanting him. Mr. Dennison tells his son he knows he ran away 'cause he and the missus were fighting non-stop...then says their marital problems have been magically resolved, that a divorce is off the table, and that they both want him to come home asap. Theodore says it's too late 'cause he went and found replacement parents...and Sharon's like, "Nope" and tells him she knows the deep pain that comes with losing a child, and that if he left home permanently, she knows for a fact that his parents would never get over the loss. Theodore starts weeping and runs over to hug his actual mother...and when a concerned looking Richard asks Sharon how she's doing, she assures him that she's going to be A-OK. Connie thanks Julie for all of the valuable life lessons she's gained this episode, and that her experience was less an education about how to be a cruise director than it was a refresher course in how to be a decent human being. After the two hug, Julie wishes her good luck and Godspeed. A lovey-dovey Maisie and Durwood bid adieu to Gopher and Doc and depart the ship...followed by Jack, who has now hooked up with Barbie and is trying to convince Captain Stubing to buy insurance, 'cause for some inexplicable reason he can't seem to give it a rest with that. Julie bids a final farewell to Sharon and Richard, who excitedly tell her put their heads together and have made the life decision to adopt a child...and, unlike with Theodore, they're going to focus their time and energy on a child who's actually available on the adoption market. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "Julie's Old Flame / The Jinx / The Identical Problem" Original airdate: 11/10/1977 Episode summary: Julie reconnects with an old flame who used to cheat with her on his wife. Doc unwittingly romances twins who are pretending to be the same person. Gopher is convinced that a husband and wife who survived the Titanic are jinxed. Guest starring: Recap: Doc is hanging with Julie when he spots a bookish brunette woman board the ship and giddily natters about how hot she is. The woman ambles over and checks in with Julie as Ellen Edwards and makes it clear to the horned-up Doc that she has zero interest in indulging in any kind of cruise-ship fling with him. An elderly couple named Horace and Henrietta McDonald check in with Gopher and tell him they were married on the Titanic, and Gopher's all, "Wow, kewl!" before tripping over a pile of luggage while fetching a brochure for Horace. Doc ogles who he assumes is Ellen Edwards and smarmily tells her he'd like to escort her to her cabin, and she perks up at the offer and says she'd be delighted. Captain Stubing ambles over to the crew to wish them all a good morning - just as Julie spots a handsome male passenger about to board, cries, "Ack!", and flees. Ellen Edwards turns out to be the twin sister of Helen Edwards - what kind of idiot parents name their twins Ellen and Helen? - and it looks as if the two are defrauding The Pacific Princess by travelling on one ticket, aka pretending to be the same person. Helen reminds Ellen to take off her eye glasses whenever she leaves the cabin, and the two arrange to use an ill-thought-out synchronized watch alarm system to ensure that each twin has equal time to publicly enjoy the cruise. Julie is glancing over the passenger list and happens to come across the name Buddy Stanfield. She then opens her wallet, pulls out a photo of the man she saw earlier, and tosses it into the garbage. Gopher's arm injury from falling atop the luggage is so serious that he's now wearing a sling. He tells Isaac he blames the McDonalds who married aboard the Titanic 'cause he believes that people who survive shipwrecks are automatically jinxed. Isaac breezily says to not blame his clumsiness on the McDonalds...then heads across the deck and accidentally tumbles into the pool on his way to deliver drinks to the couple. Womp womp! Julie drops by Doc's office to dish about her past connection to Buddy Stanfield, but abruptly zips it when she sees that Captain Stubing is in the room. When the Captain insists she spill the beans on whatever's bothering her so that he can dispense any life advice she might need, she decides 'ah what the hell?' and tells the two she met Buddy in Paris three years ago, hooked up with him and had the best three-week-long doinkfest of her life...then followed him to Los Angeles, where she only saw him two nights a week 'cause - [no] surprise - he turned out to be a married man. She says he currently appears to be travelling alone and wants advice on what she should do - but then supplies answers to her own questions. She declares that she plans to handle the matter in "a grown up, mature fashion" and thanks the Captain for his mute helpfulness. Isaac comes to Doc's office to get treated for a sore neck from his tumble in the pool, and Gopher chuckles and attributes his injury to the jinxed Titanic couple. A few seconds later, Horace and Henrietta enter the exam room to see if Isaac is OK, and Doc assures them he's fine and sends them on their way. Once they're out of earshot, Doc chides Gopher for referring to the sweet couple as a jinx, then gets struck on the head by the door when Horace re-enters the exam room for no real reason. Julie runs into Buddy Stanfield while on the elevator...and when Captain Stubing also enters and makes small talk with her, she alters her voice to sound gravelly so that Buddy won't recognize it. After Captain Stubing exits the elevator, Buddy says he'd know that perfume anywhere, then shoots her a sultry gaze while purring, "Hi baaaaaby." Helen Edwards finds herself assigned to a dinner table with a couple who's smoochily dry humping each other - just as Doc, who's now wearing a bandage on his forehead, wanders over and invites himself to join her. Helen orders rare roast beef a couple of seconds before her watch alarm goes off, and explains to Doc that she has to take an allergy pill right now. She rushes back to the cabin to pass the baton to Ellen, but warns her to keep away from Doc by declaring, "He's mine." Ellen enters the dining room and seats herself beside Doc...then turns her nose up at the rare roast beef that Helen just ordered, prompting Doc to scrunch his face confusedly. Julie is hanging with Buddy in the lounge...and when she asks him how his wife Barbara is doing, he tells her that Barbara isn't his wife anymore. As Julie visibly perks up at that tidbit, Buddy schmaltzily suggests that they get together for dinner tomorrow night. Gopher tells Doc and Isaac that the McDonalds want a bunch of postcards delivered to their cabin - and the three agree they want nothing to do with the task 'cause they're wary of being jinxed again. Gopher hands the postcards to a random crewman named Vince and gives him the cabin number...and, as anyone could predict, Vince stumbles on his way up the staircase and drops the postcards, which scatter everywhere. Doc just happens to run into Helen as she's sunning herself on a lounger. She asks him if he wouldn't mind rubbing sunscreen on her legs and back, and he's like, "Of course not" before rushing over to the bar to get them a couple of drinks...but by the time he returns, bespectacled Ellen has taken her sister's place on the lounger and slaps Doc for his impertinence when he starts rubbing lotion on her back. These twins should really consider working out smoother transitions, given that they're trying to pass themselves off as the same person. Gopher, Isaac, Doc, and Julie are hanging at a bar together when Horace McDonald wanders over with Captain Stubing in tow to announce that he and his wife would like to renew their marital vows. Captain Stubing says he'd be honored to officiate and that his crew will be thrilled to attend the ceremony - but once he and the McDonalds are out of earshot, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc grumble about having been injured at the hands of the jinxed couple. Julie's like, "Funny. Nothing like that has happened to me" - just as Isaac uncorks a wine bottle and the cork flies out and hits Julie in the eye. That evening in the lounge, Julie dances with Buddy as Gopher and Isaac glare over at Buddy from the bar and agree that there's something about the guy they don't like. Captain Stubing cuts in to ask Julie why she's spending so much of her time with Buddy, and orders her to spread herself among the rest of the passengers more. Helen invites Doc to join her for a drink, and he stares back at her quizzically, apologizes for trying to rub suntan lotion on her back earlier, then complains about all the mixed messages "she's" been giving. She gives him a long smooch and assures him he's making this cruise very enjoyable for her...but when her alarm watch goes off a few seconds later, she abruptly cancels their drink plans and suggests they get together tomorrow. After she rushes off, Doc murmurs, "That was weird" ... which, indeed it was, Doc. Indeed it was. Julie hangs with Buddy by the pool and asks him if they're spending so much time together for old time's sake, but he schmaltizily assures her it's for new time's sake and says if he can pull off some big deal in Puerto Vallarta, it could change their lives. He adds that while he doesn't want to rush into anything, there is something specific he wants to ask her tomorrow night. After he smooches her and ambles off, Isaac and Gopher wander over to stare disapprovingly at Julie. She insists that things with Buddy are different than they were three years ago and assumes he's going to pop the question to her tomorrow night. As she happily scampers off, Isaac tells Gopher that no way in hell is this philandering scumbag proposing to their starry-eyed gal pal. Doc and Helen are in mid-smooch as Ellen anxiously waits for them to finish so that she can begin enjoying her allotted cruise time. When Helen spots her impatient sister motioning at her to hurry up, she abruptly announces to Doc that she has to go and races off...and a few seconds later, Ellen decides it'd be a good idea to stride past Doc after he and Helen were just smooching and completely ignore him. Doc's like, "Hey! Where are you going?" and pulls her towards him and moans about how crazy about her he is...and after struggling against his grab-handsyness for a few seconds, Ellen decides she enjoys being forcibly smooched and gets totes into it. Ellen tells Helen she's fallen for Doc...and the twins argue about who has a stronger claim on him until they decide it's probably best to avoid conflict altogether and give him up. Helen points out that Doc is going to need an explanation [though, not really] and promises to let him down easy tomorrow. Isaac, Gopher, Doc, and Julie sing at the McDonald's wedding ceremony prior to Captain Stubing officiating the marriage do-over. The two exchange vows - just as Ellen's?/Helen's? phone alarm goes off and prompts her to rush out of the room. After Captain Stubing re-declares the old couple husband and wife, they all head into the hallway to have photos taken...and when Isaac, Gopher, Doc, and Julie attempt to move the layer cake and other refreshments to where the reception is to be held, the trellis topples over and causes Isaac to dive face-first into the wedding cake. Womp womp! Helen drops by Doc's office to give him the heave-ho - but when he continually kisses her, she decides 'why bother going through the trouble of dumping the guy when the ship is docking tomorrow?' Julie and Buddy are enjoying an evening stroll along the deck when he suddenly presses her up against a wall and breathily says, "I want you for my very own", suggests he get them a penthouse in Los Angeles, and promises that the arrangement won't be as fraught with [quite as much] deception as it was three years ago. Julie squeals, "I love you!" - but Buddy urges her to think carefully about his non-proposal and says she can give him her answer tomorrow. Helen fibs to Ellen and says she spoke to Doc, who "got the message" ... and Ellen scrunches her face skeptically and remarks that it took her an awfully long time to return to the cabin. In the next scene, Ellen sneaks over to Doc's office to tell him she's changed her mind about wanting to break up with him...and when he's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" she leans in for an intense smooch. Julie calls Buddy and comes right out and asks him if he's going to propose marriage...and after an awkward silence, he's like, "Uh, no, 'cause I don't want to make the same mistake again." A crestfallen Julie replies that she doesn't want to do that either, then hangs up and sobs into her pillow. As the ship docks, Gopher asks Julie if Buddy popped the question, and she fibs and says he did, but that she hasn't yet given him her answer. After she dashes off, a pretty blond woman appears and asks Gopher and Isaac if they know who Buddy Stanfield is...and when they warily say they do, she introduces herself as Buddy's wife of two months, and giddily explains that she nabbed him about five minutes after his divorce from Barbara on account of what a great catch he is. After she scampers aboard the ship to track down her shitty husband, Julie reappears to clarify to Gopher and Isaac that Buddy popped the question, but that it wasn't the right question...and explains that since he wasn't able/willing to offer a relationship with any commitment, she declined and feels sooooo good about her decision. Gopher and Isaac applaud her inner strength and wisely keep mum about meeting Buddy's new wife just now. Doc bids Ellen adieu, and she kisses him and gives him her work number. About a minute later, Helen appears, kisses Doc, and also gives him her work number...and Doc somehow translates that to mean she's one woman who holds down two jobs. The dumbfuck happily clutches the two pieces of paper - until he leans over the railing and accidentally drops them in the water. Haha! Captain Stubing announces to the crew that he's off to spend the weekend on his rich friend's yacht this weekend. He compliments their professionalism during the cruise (Doc's borderline aggressive romancing of twin passengers notwithstanding), and chides Gopher for spreading the myth that the McDonalds were jinxed. As he heads off, Horace and Henrietta appear and tell the crew they really really want to say goodbye to Captain Stubing. The crew points at him and sees that he's about to board a small boat that will transport him to the yacht...and as Horace hollers, "Yoo hoo! Captain Stubing!", the Captain whirls around and accidentally plunges into the water as the boat he was in the process of boarding pulls away...and the crew reacts by giggling and waving at him. And keep their fingers crossed that someone will eventually fish him out of the ocean. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "Joker is Mild / First Time Out / Take My Granddaughter, Please" Original airdate: 10/29/1977 Episode summary: A college-age virgin scours the ship for female companionship. A grandmother sets up her granddaughter with Doc. Julie re-connects with an old comedian friend of her father's who's desperate to perform in her nightly entertainment show. Guest starring: Recap: Four fraternity brothers board the Pacific Princess, check in with Julie, and ask her if she thinks there'll be enough tail on board so that their virgin friend Danny can get his cherry popped...and Julie assures them that, yep, burying his weasel shouldn't be a problem. Elsewhere, Shirlee Warner boards the ship while bickering with her grandmother about how this cruise is less about her (Shirlee) finding a husband and more about it being a birthday present for the old lady. Julie, meanwhile, is giving a tour of the ship to family friend and washed up comedian Barry Keys when they run into a talent agent named Freddy Stevens. Barry self-importantly bellows at Freddy to not bother him with talk about getting signed 'cause he's strictly here to enjoy his vacation, and Freddy gives him a 'the fuck?' look and says he'd be more than happy to ignore his existence. Grandma Warner motions Gopher over and tells him she'd like him to arrange for her and her granddaughter to be seated at the singles table for every meal, and Shirlee rolls her eyes in exasperation. Julie gives Barry the number of his cabin, detailed directions on how to get there, then ushers him over to the elevator, where he babbles nonsensically at the couple who had the misfortune of being inside the elevator at that particular moment. After the ship sets sail, Julie delivers a bottle of champagne to Barry in his tiny cabin and fibs, "Compliments of the Captain!" Barry happily reminisces about how her father used to bring her backstage before his performances, and Julie credits Barry for being the reason her father remained in showbiz. Barry says she's probably itching to ask him to perform his comedy schtick for the other passengers even though he's here to relax, but then "relents" and says he's willing to throw her a bone by agreeing to a fifteen minute guest spot. Julie's all, "Ack!" and gently says that that isn't, in any way, necessary - but Barry replies that he doesn't want to disappoint the captain, who clearly wants him to perform, as is evidenced by the complimentary bottle of champagne he just sent over. Danny approaches a woman shooting photographs and tries to flirt with her by standing in front of her camera and inviting her to photograph him. She responds by snarking that he's blocking her light and to get the hell out of her frame. LOL. Shirlee is reading by the pool when a man emerges from the water, bumps into her, and gets her all wet. She's annoyed until she realizes that the man is Dave King, an old friend of hers from high school. The two quickly catch up and learn that they're both single and available - just as Grandma strolls over to see whassup. Shirlee introduces Dave and reminds her that they briefly dated in high school...and Grandma looks encouraged by the presence of Dave - until she learns that he's an elementary school teacher. She pulls Shirlee aside, complains that teachers make shit money, and urges her to show some cleavage as she mixes and mingles with some higher earning prospects. Danny's fraternity pals razz him about finding a woman to bone, 'cause apparently they've placed bets on his ability/inability to get his cherry popped. At dinner, Barry is loudly cracking jokes while the crew and Captain Stubing look on in dismay. Julie tells Doc she has no idea how to break it to Barry that his comedy is too terrible for even a Love Boat variety show - just as Barry butters his hand instead of a slice of bread and cackles at the hilarity of not wanting to eat his buttered hand. Danny stumbles upon a woman who's laying face-down as she sunbathes topless. He gushes about how attractive she is and propositions her, but then shuffles off dejectedly after she non-responsively grunts in his general direction. Julie finds Barry at the bar, cackling to Isaac about his comedic geniuses. She pulls Barry aside and stammers about she may not be able juggle the various performers in order to squeeze him into her show, and he breezily snorts, "Details, ah.." and says he's off to rehearse. A dismayed Julie runs into Captain Stubing, who tells her that, yeah, Barry is definitely not running on all cylinders...and that she's going to have to decide whether she wants to function like a professional cruise director or be too much of a cowardly baby to level with Barry about his shittastic performance ability. Danny approaches a woman named Barbara on the deck and asks her if she lives around here...and she looks implausibly charmed by his inept flirting before he suddenly decides that the effort is a no go and shuffles off dejectedly. Doc gives Grandma some pills to help with her insomnia, and she explains that she's having problems sleeping 'cause she's so wired about her family problems. She then notices that Doc isn't wearing a wedding ring, asks him if he'd be up to meeting a gorgeous, sexy woman, and talks up Shirlee. As he mumbles about his complete lack of interest in doing that, Grandma asks him to come by the dining room at 7pm tonight, then rushes off to inform Shirlee about her newly scheduled quasi-blind date. Barry is rehearsing in the lounge when Julie enters the room. As she summons the courage to break the news that he can't be in her show, Barry scrunches his face in faux pain and says he needs to sit down for a minute, catch his breath, and wistfully reflect on how desperately he needs to hear the sound of applause in order for him to feel good about himself. Julie nods sympathetically as he decrees, "But the show must go on!" and she's like 'ah, fuck it' and agrees to indulge him. Danny is working out with a group of ladies in Doc's exercise group...and when he unwittingly flirts with a married woman, he pulls the plug on his hopeless quest to lose his virginity and collapses onto a lounger beside Barbara. She perks up at the sight of him and chats him up about his college major before proposing a generic toast to their success in life. Danny takes a sip of his drink, for some reason doesn't seem to twig onto the probability that she's totally willing to hit the sheets with him, and says it was nice talking to her before shuffling off dejectedly for the umpteenth time. As Barbara stares despondently into space, Isaac comes over, stares at her incredulously for a few seconds, and asks her if she's actually interested in a moron like Danny who's under extreme pressure by his idiot fraternity friends to get laid. Barbara shrugs unconcernedly and says she finds Danny to be bright, sweet, and nice...and figures that once he gets his rocks off, he'll settle into acting like his normal self. She then frowns and remarks on what a bummer it is that he doesn't seem to acknowledge she exists. Shirlee is annoyed at Grandma for setting her up with Doc, then says she can't make the date 'cause she has plans to meet up with Dave King at 7pm. Grandma threatens to throw herself overboard if she's willing to give up a doctor for a nobody like Dave, and Shirlee half-heartedly pulls her away from the railing. Julie tells Isaac she's decided to let Barry perform in the show, then explains that he's very sick and that this could be his last shot at stardom. She carries a tea tray over to Barry's cabin, and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?" when she catches him doing upper body exercises. She angrily accuses him of faking chest pains...and he admits that, yep, he's a phony who only booked himself on this cruise 'cause he knew that Freddy Stevens would be on board. He sheepishly acknowledges to Julie that he shamelessly used her, but then insists that she owes him one 'cause of the time he helped her father remain in showbiz. Julie refrains from pointing out that, by that logic, her father would be the one owing him, then stonily says that after he does tonight's show "the slate is clean". Doc complains to Isaac that he really doesn't want to be set up with Grandma Warner's granddaughter - just as Grandma enters the lounge to drag him over towards where Shirlee and Dave are sitting. Shirlee gives Dave a heads up that she agreed to have a quick drink with Doc...and a few seconds later, Doc ambles over and looks genuinely smitten with Shirlee. He pumps her hand and ignores Dave, who Grandma quickly ushers to the dance floor. As Doc smarmily coos, "Where have you been all my life?", Shirlee grimaces and then glances helplessly over at Dave. Danny is combing through the female names on the passenger list, which for some reason has been posted in a public space for all to see. Julie ambles over and asks him if he's having any fun on this cruise, and he sullenly retorts that the sole purpose of him coming aboard this ship was to bone a woman, not enjoy himself. Julie explains that sex is only a small part of a relationship, and suggests that perhaps he's failed thus far at getting a woman in the sack is 'cause he's trying waaaaay too hard. Doc happily tells Grandma that everything she said about Shirlee has turned out to be true...and a few seconds later, the two run into Shirlee and Dave. Dave is abruptly summoned to the purser's desk, and Doc gleefully tells Shirlee he just arranged the summoning that so they could spend some time alone together...and Grandma cackles with delight while Shirlee scrunches her face in annoyance. That evening, Danny is brooding on the deck when Barbara comes over and says she'd like to get to know him. When he visibly perks up at that, she suggests they take a walk around the ship and end up in his cabin, and he's like, "Sure!" before the two scamper off together. When they reach his cabin, she invites him to sit on the bed next to her, and he nervously puts on some music, recites a poem, and asks her what in blazes she's doing with a socially inept half-wit such as himself. She replies that she likes him and figured they'd get along well, then hangs her head and apologetically acknowledges what a dog she is. Danny's like, "Knock it off!", assures her she's beautiful, and leans in for a smooch. Show time! Julie introduces Barry as the cruise's "special performer", then shoots him the stink-eye when he gives her a thank you peck on the cheek. His opening jokes fall so flat that he asks the audience if they're English speaking (LOL), and Julie is so dismayed that she flees to the deck. When Gopher follows her to see whassup, she tells him she regrets letting her personal feelings about Barry get in the way of her job as cruise director...and Gopher agrees that it was a UGE mistake to put him in the show, but says she'll probably be laughing about it in five years. Julie returns to the lounge to see how badly Barry is stinking it up, and is pleasantly surprised to see that the audience has warmed up to his schtick...and as he wraps things up, he gets an enthusiastic round of applause. Freddy Stevens races over to Barry and tells him he'd looooove to book him for some small comedy clubs, but Barry dismissively says, "Later" and pulls Julie aside to beg for her forgiveness. She beams and assures him he hasn't lost her respect, then gives him a congratulatory hug. Shirlee stops by Doc's cabin to tell him she's in love with Dave King and afraid to disappoint her grandmother about falling for a low earning elementary school teacher. Doc mulls that over for a few seconds, then proposes she come by his office with Grandma tomorrow afternoon...and in the meantime he'll figure out a way to convince the old lady that he's really not that great of a catch [since this clearly wasn't immediately apparent to her]. The following afternoon, Shirlee brings Grandma to Doc's office, and the two find him faux boozing while staggering around and slurring his words. As he grabs at Shirlee and pretends to lecherously paw at her, an appalled Grandma calls him "a degenerate" and smacks him with her purse. Shirlee laughingly admits to Grandma that Doc was merely putting on an act for her 'cause she's in love with Dave and didn't have the guts to point out that since she's a grown woman it's none of her damn business who she hooks up with. Grandma suddenly decides she's A-OK with her granddaughter's choice of a mate and suggests they go find Dave to share the good news. Danny and Barbara are holding hands and kissing goodbye...and a few seconds after she ambles off, Danny's fraternity brothers rush over and cackle about the towel that Danny had hung over the doorknob last night and leap to the assumption that he got lucky. Danny smiles dreamily into space, but says it was all a ruse 'cause he didn't actually have sex, and two of the guys woot about being on the winning side of that bet. Barry is signing autographs when Freddy Stevens invites him to call in the morning to discuss reigniting his comedy career, and after that Julie escorts Barry to the ship's exit before giving him a warm goodbye hug. Grandma gushes at Dave about how thrilled she is about him possibly becoming her grandson-in-law, then gives Doc a goodbye kiss and offers to introduce him to her niece. Doc perks up at that prospect - just as Shirlee barks at her grandmother to stop her match-making and disembark with her and Dave. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! "Help, Murder / Isaac the Groupie / Mr. Popularity" Original airdate: 10/22/1977 Episode summary: Isaac hooks up with a famous recording artist. An annoying passenger ends up being an international jewel thief. A skittish wife is convinced her husband is trying to kill her aboard the ship. Guest starring: Recap: Skittish housewife Denise Fredericks tells her husband Bert she's too frightened to board the Pacific Princess, but he assures her it's perfectly safe and urges her to chillax. She tells him she's highly stressed about getting out of her regular routine - but he's just like, "Yeah, whatever. Enjoy the vacation" and ushers her aboard. Famous singer Roxy Blue exits her limousine amid the protests of her entourage of old white men. They warn her she'll "be dead on TV" if she leaves Bob Hope in the lurch, but she's like, "I don't give a shit, I really a vacation" and rushes aboard the ship. From the deck above, Isaac spots her arrival and excitedly tells Julie and Gopher that a star is in their midst, then adds that he's a HUGE fan of Roxy Blue's music. Bert gives Julie a friendly hello as he and Denise check in...and Julie gives them their cabin number and sends them on their way. I find it interesting that the check-in process aboard the Pacific Princess never involves the handing over of keys, a receipt, or an ID bracelet of any kind. A suspicious Denise asks Bert how he knew Julie's name, so he points out that she's wearing a name tag...then wanders back over to where Julie's standing and covertly tells her that he's the one who made special birthday plans for his wife. When he ambles back over to his wife, he fibs that he just asked Julie to pass along a message to the captain to steer the ship as safely as possible. A particularly eager passenger cuts the line to check in with Gopher, says his name is Robert Tanner, and proceeds to spell out both R-O-B-E-R-T and T-A-N-N-E-R. The woman he cut in front of, Myra Grove, tells her husband (Harvey) that if this nut actually starts spelling out Robert she's going to scream...then opens her mouth to make good on her threat - but Harvey muzzles her and quickly whisks her off camera. After the ship sets sail, Roxy sashays into the lounge, seats herself at the bar, and orders a Kahlúa on the rocks from Isaac. He grins excitedly, admits to being flustered in the presence of music royalty, then asks her to repeat her drink order. She repeats the order and urges him to calm the fuck down, which he responds to by chattering about how he owns every record she ever made, loooooooves her music, and is so excited that he just can't hide it. When she chuckles at his fawn-like devotion, he tells her he'd really really like to see her during the cruise, despite the fact that he's just a lowly bartender...and, as a crew member, probably shouldn't be looking to hit the sheets with the passengers. Roxy mulls that over and invites him to stop by her suite after his shift for one drink - but to keep it to himself 'cause she's trying to keep a low profile and doesn't want anyone to know she's on the ship. Robert runs into Captain Stubing and natters at him about how the word aloha means both hello and goodbye in Hawaii...and Captain Stubing's all, "Aloha!" and makes a break for it. Isaac arrives at Roxy's suite clutching a bottle of wine and an ice bucket. She answers the door wearing jeans and a Stevie Wonder loves you t-shirt and invites him in to chit-chat and listen to some music. Bert enlists Gopher to take candid photographs of his wife so he can surprise her with them at her birthday party - just as Denise appears and then looks alarmed when Gopher starts trailing after her. The next morning, Roxy stops by the bar and orders a cup of coffee from Isaac...and the two are grinning stupidly at each other when a braless Julie rushes and asks Isaac if he's seen Roxy Blue. As Roxy hides behind an open magazine, Isaac plays dumb and says he hasn't seen her, so Julie says to keep an eye out for her 'cause Captain Stubing wants to invite her to eat at his table during the last evening of the cruise. Bert gets together with Julie to tell her he had planned to give his wife a bracelet for her birthday - but that idea got pooched when the jeweller didn't have it ready in time. Julie offers to accompany him to the gift shop and help pick something out for Denise, and he says that'd be a good idea if Denise weren't always lurking around. Cue Denise, who enters the lounge and spots the two of them talking. She tiptoes over just in time to overhear Julie joke to Bert, "We'll just have to get rid of her" ... and after Julie ambles off, Denise confronts Bert about what she can only assume is his plot to do away with her and screeches, "I am not giving you a divorce!" before storming out. Bert scrunches his face in puzzlement, no doubt wondering why he married such a paranoid wack-a-doodle and then decided it would be a good idea to vacation with her. Inside her suite, Denise tells her mirrored reflection that she should have known Bert was up to something sinister, then bitterly laughs about how wives are always the last to know. She sniffles into a tissue - just as Gopher calls and mistakes her sniffly voice for that of Bert. He reports that he hasn't been able to get a clean [camera] shot of his wife and suggests he do it himself so he can blow her [photograph] up [in poster size]. Denise gasps at the threat of being blown up and asks who this is, and Gopher's all, "Oops!" and quickly hangs up. Smooth, Gopher. Robert enters the lounge, seats himself with Harvey and Myra Grove, and proceeds to natter about how frequently he orders liver and onions for dinner, only to change his dinner order. As the couples' eyes glaze over, Robert says he's noticed that whenever he starts talking to people on the ship, they suddenly complain of queasiness and rush off...and Harvey and Myra perk up at that, complain of a case of sudden fake queasiness of their own, and rush off. Roxy whines to Isaac about how her successful music career has made her a conglomerate, but that she's also a human being who desperately needed a break. He stares at her incredulously and reminds her that she walked out on Bob Hope, but she just waves her hand dismissively and says the show will get someone else to fill in...then invites him to lean in and give her a smooch. Bert is getting a lesson on skeet shooting when Denise ambles across the deck one level below with a non-subtle Gopher in pursuit with his camera. Bert spots Denise and yells hello at her, and she freaks out by the sight of the rifle in his hand and flees. She races over to Doc's office to report that her husband is trying to kill her and that it looks like he's enlisted some of the ship's crew to help him. Doc tells her to relax and offers to calm her frenetic nuttiness by prescribing a mild sedative, and she reacts by screeching, "You're in on it tooooo!!" and bolts. Captain Stubing spots Robert standing by himself and orders Julie and Gopher to make sure that every passenger, Robert included, is having a good time on the cruise. Julie complains that she's running out of passengers who are willing to have dinner with the guy...and when Gopher asks three random people if they'd like to eat with Robert Tanner, they react by staring at him in horror before leaping into the pool. Myra and Harvey are lounging above deck when Myra comes across an article in the newspaper about an international jewel thief who's currently at large. The scoundrel's name is Roscoe Toller, which - as Myra points out - has the same initials as Robert Tanner. She leaps to the conclusion that Robert must be the thief, and Harvey's all, "Ack!" and suggests they report their theory to the Captain. Myra's all, "Hell no!" and says she's always wanted to be friends with a wanted criminal, which...um, OK. Isaac tells Gopher he's been hanging with Roxy Blue and that deep down she's just a regular woman, aka the kind of woman a man [such as himself] would want to marry. When Gopher chuckles at that implausible outcome, Isaac earnestly insists that Roxy really is the one for him. Bert places an order with the chef to bake a chocolate cake for his wife's birthday party, then rushes over to the lounge to excitedly tell Julie he can now cross that to do item off his list. Julie tells him she just found the perfect gift for Denise: a gold choker. She adds that since a choker has to fit snugly, he's going to need to figure out Denise's neck size, then suggests he measure it by slipping his bathrobe sash around it while she's asleep...and naturally Denise appears out of nowhere to overhear that out-of-context part of the conversation. She returns to her suite and locks the door, but is all, "Ack!" when Bert emerges from the bathroom to ask whassup. She tells him she isn't feeling well and would prefer to stay in tonight, and he offers to keep her company so she doesn't spend the entire evening alone. Presumed jewel thief Robert Tanner is holding court at the bar, fascinating a gaggle of jewel thief groupies by nattering about how he often orders liver and onions for dinner and changes orders...but then other times sticks with his liver and onions order. He admires Myra's necklace...and when he remarks that he doesn't know much about jewelry, everyone chuckles knowingly. Bert urges Denise to come to bed - but she stares fearfully into space and says she wants to stay up and finish reading her extremely thick book. As Isaac and Roxy lounge in bed together (!) , Isaac gushes about how their hookup is the greatest thing to have ever happened to him. He coos, "I love you", to which Roxy reacts by getting angry at him for being "sentimental". He insists that he loves her more than he's ever loved anyone in his life - easy, dude - and she gets visibly annoyed and tells him he just blew it. She snarkishly says she's going to take Captain Stubing up on his offer to dine at his table tomorrow night, then snaps at him to shut off the light, shut up about professing his love for her, and do his best to enjoy what's left of their time together. Ouch. Eventually, Denise falls asleep while reading, and Bert takes the opportunity to slip his bathrobe sash around her neck to get an accurate measurement for the gold choker. Denise wakes up in mid-measuring, assumes he's trying to kill her, and flees the cabin screaming bloody murder. Captain Stubing has assembled his crew in the dining room and is listening to a freaked out Denise describe how convinced she is that Bert and part of the ship's crew are in on a conspiracy to kill her...and when everyone starts talking at each other at once, Captain Stubing orders them to shut it and calmly tell him what in blazes is going on. Bert explains that he's been planning a birthday party for Denise with as many misunderstandings about his intent as possible:
A stunned Denise is all, "Wha-a-a-a? You're not trying to murder me?" and giggles with relief - just as the chef emerges with the giant birthday cake Bert ordered. Bert and the crew sing Happy Birthday as Denise gazes at it happily. Robert Tanner arrives in the dining room and tells a large table of passengers that the police found the international jewel thief aboard another ship. The passengers groan in disappointment at him not being the thief and beat a hasty retreat. Captain Stubing excitedly announces to the passengers that Miss Roxy Blue is on board - just as she makes a grand entrance on Doc's arm. Captain Stubing motions at Isaac to bring over some champagne...and as he pours glasses for everyone at the captain's table, Roxy makes a snide joke about how she's faithful to every man she finds attractive. She then glares at Isaac and barks, "Roxy is thirsty" and tells him to step it up with the champagne pouring. Captain Stubing, who seems oblivious to her rudeness towards Isaac, asks if she wouldn't mind performing for the passengers, and she agrees and croons Come Rain or Come Shine while staring intensely at Isaac. When the ship docks, Robert Tanner bids adieu to Gopher, who checks his bag and jokes about him stealing the ship's supply of liver and onions. Robert thanks him for everything and says he's going to recommend the Pacific Princess to all of his [non-existent] friends. Roxy stops by Isaac's cabin to chide him for the no booty call last night, and he wryly says he was much too tired from serving drinks all night. She invites herself in and says she tried to tell him how things are, e.g. that their little world didn't have anything to do with reality. She then describes herself as a show piece, an object, a star - so Isaac reminds her that she's also a woman...to whom he thought he was getting through. She stares wistfully into space and wanks him by telling him he's too much of a man to be Mr. Roxy Blue...not to mention that she's been married three times previously to men who weren't able to handle her success. She apologizes for the shitty way she treated him and hopes he can forgive her, and he just shrugs and pretends that they merely enjoyed a few laughs. Roxy stares back at him solemnly and says, "It was more than that. A lot more" and gives him one last smooch. Bert and Denise thank Julie for helping out with the disastrous birthday party celebration. Bert suggests to Denise that they extend their vacation by flying to Las Vegas, but Denise looks panicked and reminds him how stressed she gets about air travel. Myra races into the lobby and screeches that all of her jewelry has been stolen - just as a crew member appears with her jewelry case and tells her that some guy just returned it to him. Myra opens it and finds it empty, save for a note from Robert Tanner, identifying himself as Roscoe Toller, aka international jewel thief at large. He ends the note by urging Myra to not get robbed by her insurance company. Womp womp! Isaac watches as Roxy's white man entourage arrives to pick her up. When Gopher ambles over, Isaac glumly tells him that Roxy Blue is a very nice lady and that he highly doubts they'll ever see each other again. He then pretends as though he was the dumper in this scenario and declares that he's saving himself for someone really terrific - just as Roxy stares up at him and gives him one last wistful look before climbing into her limo and disappearing from Isaac's life forever. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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