"Computerman / Parlez Vous / Memories of You"
Original airdate: 2/12/1978
Episode summary: Love blossoms aboard The Love Boat's Valentine's Day singles' cruise, during which Gopher romances a beautiful woman who pretends to only speak French and Julie falls for the computer whiz she hired as the ship's matchmaker. A quasi-amnesiac is confronted by the woman who was once his ad agency partner and fiancée.
Recap: An uncharacteristically cheery Captain Stubing greets Julie and Gopher and excitedly gabbles about this episode's Valentine's Day singles' cruise. Julie shares his excitement and reminds him that she hired a professional matchmaker to pair up singles seeking love, and he perks up at that and says that he too would like to participate. [Even though he has a large ship to run and should prolly be focusing full time on that.]
Heather McKenzie and her friend Penny Jacobs check in and meet fellow passenger and love-seeker Betsy Carruthers...and the gals salivate over a trio of hot men in their orbit and gush about how excited they are about getting paired up with a potential mate.
Doc sidles up to an attractive passenger named Lilly Mackim, asks her to dance, and explains that he figured he'd get his bid in first - but Lilly makes it clear that she has zero interest in hooking up with him and says she had no idea that this was going to be a singles' cruise. Doc smarmily asks her if she'd like a tour of the ship - just as she sees a man she knows and shrieks, "Alex!" while rushing over to him. The man stares back at her blankly and says she has the wrong person, and she perplexedly explains to Doc that the man looked exactly like someone she was once close to - but Doc just shrugs unconcernedly and says there must be lots of people in the world who are dead ringers for Ricky Nelson.
Julie summons Gopher to get his translation assistance for two attractive female passengers who are pretending to only speak French. Gopher introduces himself to the busty Brigitte and sassy Yvonne as they hand him a note requesting a French/English translator for the duration of the cruise, which kinda seems like a big ask that probably should have been requested well in advance. Gopher boasts to Julie about how he's practically bilingual, but then quickly gets confused when Brigitte and Yvonne chatter at him in French before being all 'd'accord' and heading off to their cabin. Julie asks Gopher what they were saying just now, and tells her he has no idea, but that it's definitely going to be fun finding out.
A large computer is being carefully carried onto the ship - just as the man in charge of the Valentine cruise's computerized matchmaking event, Nick Heider, greets Julie by gushing, "Hi doll face." He boasts about how many people he and his computer have paired...and when he playfully warns Julie that she might be next, she coldly informs him that as cruise director she arranges these events and doesn't actually participate. Nick insists that her "deepest romantic needs" could very well be met via this machine, then suggests the strong possibility of her becoming "the computer man's Valentine". As he gives her an air kiss and heads off, Julie stares after him with her face contorted angrily and tells Gopher that she's definitely not impressed with the guy.
Gopher delivers a special bienvenue basket to Brigitte and Yvonne, then stammeringly asks Brigitte in his limited French if she'd like to get together later for a moonlit dance. He gets a oui and exits the cabin, after which Brigitte tells Yvonne - in fluent English - that she doesn't thinks he can pull off pretending to be French for the entire cruise...and that she nearly slipped into her native English just now 'cause of how cute she finds Gopher. Yvonne dismissively reminds her friend that they're after gorgeous (and wealthy) not cute, and that they're impersonating French women 'cause of how crazy men are about their sexy aura and mystique.
Nick is collecting completed information cards from a long line of men and women interested in being love-matched, then somehow feeds them into his computer. Lilly tells Doc she has about as much interest in participating in that as she did in wanting to dance with him earlier...and Isaac concurs with that sentiment and adds that he doesn't need a machine to get women, but rather one to fight them off. LOL. Doc gazes hungrily at Lilly and, for whatever clueless reason, presses ahead with his flirting and asks her if she's contemplating the two of them engaging in a mad, passionate affair - OMFG - and instead of bothering to respond, Lilly directs her attention to the man she's sure she recognized earlier. She shows Doc a photo and asks him if they look like the same man...and when Doc concedes that, yep, there's definitely a strong resemblance there, Lilly explains that she's certain this man is her former ad agency partner and fiancé, Alex Fowler. When he suddenly vanished without a trace several years ago, she assumed the worst. A few seconds later, "Alex" wanders over and gets re-introduced to Lilly, tells her he goes by the nameTed Wilcox, and invites her to join him for dinner tonight. She happily accepts, then later tells Doc she's more certain than ever that Ted is Alex, not least 'cause her heart knows the man she loved for four years.
Three single men - Sam, Chet, and Daryl - seeking love matches arrive at the front of the line to submit their information cards to Nick. An intrigued Sam asks Nick if his computer is the 272 MiniScan - fancy! - then explains that he uses a similar computer to analyze old fossils in his line of work as a geo-physical researcher.
Captain Stubing fills out his information card with Julie's help, and after that she bounds over to where Nick is about to power up the matchmaking app on his 272 MiniScan. As the computerized coupling gets underway, the first two pairs are announced:
Yvonne reclines on a pool lounger next to a wealthy businessman named Seymour and asks him for a light, and he oohs and ooh la las about how nuts he is for sexy French women.
Sam, meanwhile, gets love-matched with Penny, who saucily tells him, "This is your lucky day." LOL.
Gopher ambles over to where Yvonne is sitting and translates the conversation between her and Seymour, who she quickly learns is a wealthy commodities trader. Gopher then asks where Brigitte is, so she tells him that she went to "le salon de beauté" before re-directing her attention back to Seymour.
Nick announces the next love-matched couple: himself and Julie! As Julie stares daggers at her admirer, Captain Stubing eagerly awaits his match - but soon learns that since his profile seems to have broken the matchmaking app, he isn't actually going to be paired with anyone.
Gopher runs into Brigitte in the passageway - just as Seymour, his friend Walt, and Yvonne come strolling over. Seymour asks Gopher to communicate to Brigitte how much Walt digs her and would like to have dinner with her...and when Brigitte responds, "Pourquoi pas?", Gopher fake translates her reply of why not? to mean that she's all booked up for dinner, and thinks Walt has exceptionally large ears, elephant feet, and an unsightly nose that reminds her of a banana. Walt says he doesn't care for being insulted about his appearance [which is actually somewhere between grim and mediocre] and storms off...and once he, Seymour, and Yvonne are out of earshot, a gleeful Gopher asks Brigitte if she'd like to have dinner with him.
Lilly insists to Doc that Ted is really Alex, and that her proof of his real identity is that he's wearing the same ring as her, which he had designed and then commissioned a New York jeweller to make. Doc chews on that for a few seconds and suggests that maybe Ted doesn't know he's Alex 'cause he's suffering from amnesia...and Lilly says that as plausible as that might possibly sound, she's determined to get "Ted" back to reality and is willing to do anything to spark his memory, e.g. sing to him the jingles he wrote when they were the hottest ad agency duo on Madison Avenue.
Heather and Daryl are enjoying a Valentine's Day dinner, cooing about how beautiful the other is.
Seymour tells a glum Walt that Brigitte's rejection was probably just a misunderstanding, and that he's sure she'd be A-OK with taking a break from dancing with Gopher to dance with him...then quietly tells Yvonne he has a lot of money riding on showing Walt a good time. When Seymour tries to cut in on Gopher by asking Brigitte if she'd like to dance with Walt, she replies with, "Pourquoi pas?", and Walt assumes she's once again insulting his physical appearance and storms off. Yvonne runs after him and Seymour, while Brigitte and Gopher continue to cut a rug and ignore the drama.
When Alex/Ted notices that he and Lilly are wearing the exact same ring, he admits to having no memory of where he got it. Lilly tells him that her ring is a unique treasure that was designed by a friend and then made by a New York jeweller, but Alex/Ted just shrugs and says that the jeweller must have made two of them, which ended up on their respective fingers by sheer coincidence. Lilly somehow refrains from pointing out the implausibility of that silly theory and starts reciting the jingle for Cupid Cologne that he wrote several years ago, but he doesn't appear to recognize it and chuckles over its inanity.
Nick ambles over to Julie while she's filling her plate at the dinner buffet and accuses her of avoiding him all evening. He reminds her that, according to the logic formulated by his 272 MiniScan, the two of them are fated to be together - but she vehemently disagrees, snarls at him to bug off, and tells him that love isn't supposed to be based on logic, but rather spontaneous, crazy emotions. Nick declares that he has a hopeless crush on her, and then kisses her bare shoulder, but she bitchily insists that it's all bull**** before huffily storming off.
Alex/Ted invites Lilly to his cabin so that he can privately play a ditty he wrote for her called Lilly's Song. Lilly blushingly says she's sooooo flattered, but that she can't help noticing the melody is that of the jingle for Cupid Cologne. Alex/Ted mulls that over for a few seconds, realizes she's right, and mutters, "Hmm...weird." Lilly suggests that they team up to create an original song, and he tells her he likes the sound of that, then leans in for a smooch. Lilly pauses to ask him if their smooching reminds him of anything (e.g. their smoochfests pre-amnesia), but he just blankly asks, "Of what?" ... so she's like, "Er, never mind" and continues kissing him.
The next day, Julie wanders around the pool area and notices all of the love-matched couples canoodlishly enjoying each other's company. A few seconds later, she runs into Nick, compliments him on his matchmaking, and apologizes for her bitchitude last night. He accepts her apology and admits that he's probably been coming on too strong, then suggests they have dinner together later...and she accepts - just as they run into Captain Stubing, who says he really really wants another shot at getting love-matched.
Gopher struggles to articulate to Brigitte in French how much he digs her, then gives up and rushes off to fetch his English/French dictionary. Once he's out of earshot, Yvonne walks over to ask Brigitte where she's been all morning...and when Brigitte responds in English, Yvonne shushes her and warns her to not speak English so loudly until after she's off the boat. Brigitte rolls her eyes and says she doubts she can keep this charade going for much longer, then suggests they tell people she suddenly became fully bilingual after studying a Berlitz book she bought in the ship's gift shop. Yvonne gives that idea a hard no, and Brigitte snappishly decrees she's not going on anymore cruises with her, then angrily flounces off.
Alex/Ted tells Lilly he feels like he's known her for years and that they're meant for each other...and she refrains from reminding him that he has actually known her for years, and instead declares, "I love you." He proposes marriage and invites her to move to California with him, but she points out that she has a very lucrative career in New York and suggests an alternate plan: he move to New York and become her ad agency partner (again). Alex/Ted nixes that idea and says he doubts he'd fit into the New York scene and has serious doubts about his jingle writing abilities, and a fed up Lilly angrily asks him why he refuses to remember that, not so long ago, he was the best gosh darn jingle writer in the New York advertising world. Alex/Ted stubbornly insists he's not Alex Fowler...and that that's his story and he's sticking to it.
Heather drops by Daryl's cabin as he's shaving, and quickly gets annoyed by how frequently he seems to love looking at himself in the mirror. Daryl gets insulted and snarks back that she's a boring egghead with no sex appeal, so she retaliates by spraying shaving cream all over his face before storming out.
As Gopher struggles with his limited French, he wearily tells Brigitte he wishes she could speak his language, so she blurts out something in English - just as Yvonne, who's eavesdropping from a nearby table, distracts Gopher from realizing that Brigitte is a native English speaker by pouring wine all over his uniform. As Gopher gets up to change out of his wet clothes, Yvonne tells him she has something that can help get the wine stains out, then shoots Brigitte the stink-eye before racing out of the lounge after Gopher.
Julie is happily dancing with Nick and telling him she now firmly believes that his computerized matchmaking service wasn't bull**** after all. But while that's happening, Sam chides Penny for constantly droning on about sex and makes it clear that he's no longer into her.
Yvonne lures Gopher into her cabin to get him undressed and reveal that the jig is up. She haughtily tells Gopher that she can't get rid of the stain, but can get rid of him...then gathers up his uniform and exits the cabin, leaving behind a bewildered, underwear clad Gopher.
Lilly tells Doc she blew it with Alex/Ted when she suggested he live and work with her in New York - but adds that, in her defence, she knows for certain that he has a brilliant mind and can make it on Madison Avenue as a hot jingle writer. Doc points out that perhaps it was the pressure of trying to make it on Madison Avenue that broke his brain in the first place, and Lilly mulls that over and concedes that, yeah, maybe she has been putting undue pressure on him. She then decides she actually loves the man who's now passing himself off as Ted Wilcox, and has come to the realization that she wants more out of life than jingle writing. Doc concurs with that sentiment and urges her to give up everything she's ever worked for to follow her new [er, previous] man to California.
Captain Stubing asks Nick if he fed his information card into the computer yet, and Nick just mumbles something noncommittal as he beats a hasty retreat with Julie.
Gopher puts on a woman's coat he finds in Yvonne's closet and exits her cabin - just as Captain Stubing happens to walk by. He's all 'the fuck?' and orders Gopher to report to his office pronto to explain why he's in his gitch wearing a female passenger's outerwear.
Julie is hanging in Nick's cabin, enjoying a cup of cocoa, when three couples who were love-matched by his computer interrupt their canoodling to bitterly complain about how intensely they suddenly hate each other.
Lilly apologizes to Ted for trying to turn him into the man she once knew and loved, then asks him if his marriage proposal is still on the table. He says it is...and that while can't give her Manhattan, he can offer her a rocking chair and a sunset for inspiration for song-writing, and she's like, "Sounds fab. Count me in, Gramps."
As The Love Boat approaches the port in Los Angeles, Seymour and Walt overhear Brigitte admonishing Gopher for abandoning her on the dance floor last night. The two men are all, "Wuh? You speak fluent English?" - just as Yvonne emerges from the gift shop with an expensive piece of jewelry she's hoping her new sugar daddy will purchase for her. When Seymour tells her to take a hike and storms off, she cries, "There goes my millionaire!" and chases after him. Gopher, meanwhile, chides Brigitte for making a fool of him by pretending to not speak English for days on end, but she just shrugs and says it was all Yvonne's idea, then placates him with a kiss.
Lilly says goodbye to Doc as she exits the ship with Ted/Alex, who plants her lips with a smooch before declaring, "I love you...more than I did before." As Lilly somehow refrains from shrieking, "I knew you were faking!", he admits that, yeah, he remembers that he's really Alex Fowler from the tri-state area, but would much prefer to continue identifying as Ted Wilcox, aka a Californian who likes sitting in a rocking chair all day 'cause he's metamorphosed into a 30-something going on 80.
Nick flushes with embarrassment at how badly the computerized love-matches panned out for several couples, and Captain Stubing says that the machine is obviously broken, 'cause otherwise it would have been able to match him up with someone. A few seconds later, the three unhappy couples have re-shuffled themselves and are now paired with different mates:
Nick says he's surprised by the re-coupling, not least 'cause the computer would never have paired those combinations of people together...then admits to Julie that he rigged their hook-up 'cause he developed a crush on her the moment they first met. Julie beams happily at that pronouncement, then clutches his hand as she escorts him off the ship.
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